Tony Anderson GOD’S BLUEPRINT FOR SEX Tony Anderson Welcome I am grateful that you are reading this pamphlet. It is my prayer that it encourages you. God has created and ordained the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy in marriage for a person to physically experience the pleasure of God through, and with, his or her spouse. It truly is a good and perfect gift coming from our Father above (James 1:17). However, like all of God’s gifts, since the fall of man, man’s sin has brought about challenges and hardships in this area. We live in a culture that celebrates sex before and outside of marriage, where commitment to marriage has severely eroded, where large segments of the population are “entertained” by pornography, and sadly, many men and women are exposed to sex through rape and abuse. The influence of culture and our own sinful thoughts have adversely affected how we think and act in the area of sexual intimacy within our marriage. But, God’s Word gives us hope! Many married couples have differences in the area of physical intimacy. If you and your spouse are struggling with differences in this area, you are not alone. It is a common problem (1 Cor. 10:13). Yet, many couples find the topic difficult or awkward to talk about. Due to up- bringing, modesty, guilt over prior sexual sin or shame arising out of wrong thinking concerning sexual abuse you or your spouse may struggle to discuss the problems you have in the area of 10365 Old St. Augustine Rd. Jacksonville, FL 32257 904-262-3000 sex and physical intimacy. So grace and patience will be necessary. However, it is a topic that God wants you to discuss because as we will see, sex in marriage was designed by God as pure and holy and as a means to glorify and worship Him. It is my hope that this resource will help you understand God’s design for sex in marriage and to make it easier to discuss these issues with your spouse. It’s Root not Fruit. It is helpful to understand that intimacy problems in marriage are almost always “fruit” problems and not “root” problems. In the years I have been counseling I have yet to counsel a married couple who states that their “only” problem is in the area of sexual intimacy. In all cases where intimacy was presented as an issue, it became clear that the problems in sexual intimacy were a manifestation (fruit) of other unresolved heart (root) issues. It is common for there to be issues of pride, selfishness, bitterness, idolatry, lack of forgiveness or some other unconfessed sin to be hindering physical intimacy. Think about this. What negative emotions do you experience when you encounter problems with physical intimacy in your marriage? Anger? Fear? Worry? These emotions follow our thinking. Negative emotions such as sinful anger, 1 10365 Old St. Augustine Rd. Jacksonville, FL 32257 Cfcjax.com/HopeCenter God’s Blueprint for Sex sinful fear, worry or hopelessness flow from wrong thinking. When you are sinfully angry in response to a situation involving intimacy in marriage what is it that you want so much that you become sinfully angry when you don’t get it? Physical pleasure? Control? Peace? Rest? That “thing” is an idolatrous desire; something that you have wanted more than loving God and loving your spouse. You can know it is an idolatrous desire because you are willing to sin to get it or sin if you don’t get it. Perhaps physical pleasure is an idolatrous desire that you want more than pleasing God. Maybe you experience fear, worry or anxiety when you encounter problems with your spouse concerning sex. Is there something you fear losing? Is there something you worry that you might never have? If so, that “something” is an idol. In your heart you believe that Christ alone is not sufficient for your joy, peace and blessing. You believe you need God PLUS something else. In the book of Jeremiah you see God saying: “Has a nation changed gods When they were not gods? But My people have changed their glory For that which does not profit. “Be appalled, O heavens, at this, And shudder, be very desolate,” declares the Lord. “For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, The fountain of living waters, To hew for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns That can hold no water. Jeremiah 2:11-13 When Israel forsook the Lord and went chasing after other gods and putting its hope in other gods, the Lord chastised Israel to the heavens. The Lord stated that Israel had committed two sins. First, the people had forsaken the one true God who was and is the fountain of living waters who always satisfies. Second, they chose to dig and drink from broken cisterns that hold no water. Water in a cistern can quickly become stagnant and filled with parasites, and a broken cistern can’t even hold the stagnant water. What we need to remember is that when we forsake God and His plan for our life, including His plan for sex within marriage, and go to some other “source” to have a desire met, we are forsaking God and doubting His goodness and instead we are pursuing satisfaction from a broken cistern that can’t hold water. If, for you, physical pleasure or praise of man or security become more important than pleasing God and glorifying God, the scripture is clear you are an idolater, and scripture is also clear that the idol you worship will never satisfy. Let me ask you another question. Do you ever fight or quarrel or get sinfully angry at your spouse about some aspect of your physical relationship? Sinful anger can include yelling, name calling and clamming up and giving your spouse the cold shoulder. God tells us in the Bible why this happens; why you fight and quarrel. James 4:1-3 says: 2 The Hope Center – all rights reserved God’s Blueprint for Sex [1]What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? [2] You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. [3] You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. God tells us that you fight because you want something so badly that when you don’t get it you will fight and quarrel. Maybe what you want so badly is more frequency of intimacy or less frequency of intimacy. Maybe you have a strong desire for a particular sexual practice. God also tells us that frequently you don’t ask him in prayer for the thing you so strongly desire. Alternatively, you may ask in prayer, but you ask for selfish motives so you may spend it on your own pleasures. God is telling you that when you want something so badly that you will fight and quarrel and you ask Him for it for selfish reasons, you should not expect God to give you that sinful desire. I say it is sinful because the fighting and quarreling and selfishness reveal that you want the lustful desire fulfilled more than you want to please God. If you experience negative emotions concerning your sexual relationship with your spouse, I encourage you to meditate on the these scriptures concerning idolatrous lust and desires and work on identifying and putting off those idolatrous desires in your life and replacing them with the truth concerning God’s character and sufficiency. You may also ask the person who gave you this pamphlet if he or she has other resources concerning idolatry. The encouraging thing about the fact that problems in the sexual relations area are fruit issues and not root issues, is once the root is changed, a new fruit is produced. When a Christian has true heart change and seeks to please God in all areas of life, his heart produces good fruit. It is not uncommon for physical intimacy issues to resolve themselves once a husband begins growing in his role as a learner-living with his wife in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7); as a lover-loving his wife like Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25); and as a leader-exercising headship to the glory of God and for the good of the family (Ephesians 5:23); and as a wife begins growing in her role as a follower-submitting to her husband as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22); as a finisher-be a suitable helper and co-laborer with her husband (Genesis 2:18); and as a fan-respecting her husband and encouraging him when he fails (Ephesians 5:33). Therefore, before we begin to look specifically at what the Bible says about sex in marriage, please understand and remember that as a Christian your primary goal in every area of life (even sex in marriage) is to please and glorify God (2 Cor. 5:9; 1 Cor. 10:31) by becoming more like Jesus (Ro. 8:28-29) in growing measure (2 Peter 1:5-8). That truth is really good news because your ability to achieve the primary goal that God has given you is not dependent on the actions, words or attitudes of your spouse or our culture. You have the ability to love God and love your spouse in the area of physical intimacy because God has given you all you need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).