HOW TO BE A WIDOW: PERFORMING IDENTITY IN GRIEF NARRATIVES OF AN ONLINE COMMUNITY DISSERTATION Presented in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree Doctor of Philosophy in The Graduate School of The Ohio State University By Nancy McDonald-Kenworthy, B. S., M. A. Educational Policy and Leadership ******* The Ohio State University 2012 Dissertation Committee: Dr. Patricia Lather, Co-Advisor Dr. Amy Shuman, Co-Advisor Dr. Richard Voithofer, Committee Member Copyright © Nancy McDonald-Kenworthy 2012 Abstract: “How to be a widow: Performing Identity in Grief Narratives of an Online Community” Through analysis of a qualitative online ethnography in an Internet text-based website message board database called “WidowNet” (http://www.widownet.org/wnbb3), I studied online text conversations of adults who lost their life partners to death. This online autoethnographical research investigates how and why online widows/widowers perform their changed identity status after spousal death, and what the educational implications of an online self-help network are. This online ethnography project implements textual analysis of a registered Internet community of practice where members write to each other in the format of an asynchronous, text-based message forum. In 1993, a widower, who still owns and administers the database as his avocation, founded this non-profit online group now consisting of over 4,000 members. These online community members are registered with only one exclusive qualification: they lost a life partner to death. As a widowed “insider” myself, I analyzed the online conversations to see how this type of narrative developed meaning to the widowed who are constructing their new identities as widows/ers. Further, I determined how this particular online community functions as an informal learning community for the members. After I analyzed the WN narratives, I conducted follow-up member checks via instant messaging, email, or Internet chat rooms, and face-to-face group participant observations and follow-up focus group face-to-face interviews in get-togethers occurred in various locations around the US, as well. ii Dedication The ones I love, despite their deaths: To my Gram, Adelia Keogh, who gave me stories, attention, devotion, and the love of reading folklore when I was a child. Gram guided me to that and other books when she introduced me to the central city library. Gram would be cheering loudest for this my latest project. I also dedicate this work to my first husband, Jim Christoff, who was the father of and hero to our three beloved children, Jean, Michael and Jeffrey; Jim showed me the love of garden, being close to the earth, of being one in a community, of steadfastness, continuity and loyalty. I also dedicate this work to Noreen Murphy Christoff, my dearest, oldest friend and close sister- in-law. Noreen and I shared books together every day of our childhood lives, and grew to be family members in our adulthood. Her intelligence, kindness and goodness was always a model for me even though my shortcomings failed her. Noreen’s mother-in- law, and mine, Barbara Christoff, gave me the story of Ruth and Naomi that lived in our own time. She gladly took me to be with her people. Finally, this work is dedicated to Allan Kenworthy, who in his passing is the inspiration for this project, who is a soul mate, and who is forever in my heart. Thanks for constructing our lives together, however too short it was, and thanks for still guiding me in the construction of this new identity. Your spirit is strong. iii Acknowledgements I honor the late Professor Suzanne Damarin, a mentor who gave me deeper thought to this project, and who dubbed my favorite nickname, the graduate student emerita. We spent many summer afternoons in Mozart’s patio, where she pointed me to ideas of feminism, technology and community of practice. She left us far too soon. I also thank Dr. Patti Lather for welcoming me back into this scholastic place, working with me on this project from the start, and guiding me to focus. To Dr. Amy Shuman I thank for a title, insights and encouragement that have urged me to think in creative ways, bringing me to this point where I never thought I could. I also thank Dr. Rick Voithofer for guiding me in the scholarship of technology, and for innovative understandings and invaluable exchanges that are far beyond this quick mention, and this long project. To my fellow participants, the WidowNetters, all of you, and you know who you are now, for allowing me to share your stories, opening your hearts to this project, and pushing me to get it done. It is your work that makes it. I am only the messenger. I also thank my fellow dissertation writers, Fawn, especially, for her ongoing special above-and-beyond editing tips and great conversation; I thank Sara, Debra and Sharon, too, who went through this with me, and exchanged more than they’ll ever know. Lastly, I thank my new partner, Bill Keating, who has had the patience to wait while this project was formed and reformed, thanks for his sharp-eyed skills editing this iv seemingly endless writing into clean prose, and who has had the empathy and awareness of being a fellow widow to have given me feedback to clarify my uncertain and ambiguous thinking about what we both have experienced. A dieu, Allan In the beginning of this project, I talk of endings… . With Derrida’s influence, in this “work of mourning,” I must address a most important person, without whose influence I would not have reached this level of courage so as to write this dissertation. I name you, in grief, Allan. My adieu here, Allan, whom I never say goodbye, because you are always in my heart, my soul, my spirit. Levinas has taught me a-Dieu. No material silence from you will keep me away from thoughts of you or away from your spirit. Where words fail me, my sorrow will last as long as I live. I sing with you, as we did before, in our beginning, and at your end… “like a red, red rose.” Burns helped me believe what you sang—that you will “come again, though it were 10,000 miles.” There are no goodbyes…. Grief does not end, but only metamorphoses… and with grace, into another with more comfort and solace. So my solace is that I still have your love, and I still love you; our spirit still lives. This project has given me the hope that my loss is not complete, that your love still exists. To quote T. S. Elliot, a song that we sang together, “And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from… . The last thing you said to me as I was leaving the room, was “just call me if you need anything…” You are at my back. v Vita 1979………………………B. S. Education, Concentrations in English & Music, The Ohio State University 1982………………………M. A. Philosophy of Education The Ohio State University 1980s……………………..Teacher, Elementary & High Schools, Los Angeles United School District 1991-94……………………Instructor, Lecturer, English & Women’s Studies, The Ohio State University, Lima Campus 1994-2003…………………Technical Writer, Project Manager, Telecommunications Industry 2003-current………………English Instructor, Columbus State Community College Publications "Prize the Doubt: Critical Thinking Across the Curriculum," from Los Angeles Unified School District Office of Instruction, Publishers, 1991. "Reasoning or Evidence: What Does One Possess?" From Proceedings of Ohio Valley Philosophy of Education Society, D. Senchuk, Ed., 1983. 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