ABSTRACT AN OX ON FIRE Many of these poems begin as a stream of conscious writing, allowing for the emotional and visceral moments to be the first movement toward a poem. Once this preliminary work is done I will allow for a day or two to lapse in order to reroute my efforts towards form and structure, discovering perhaps what the poem decides what it wants to be. This manuscript is made up of the last eight years of writing, as an undergraduate and a grad student. The beginning of this manuscript consists of mostly family narratives and ekphrastics, based off of old family photographs that I handled and meditated on. Other works are dream poems, which I found useful in exploring major themes of love, loss and death. Later works of this collection are inspired by loved ones, come and gone, with a gaze towards reconciliation, sublimation and a need for order. Victor Arnoldo Perez May 2015 AN OX ON FIRE by Victor Arnoldo Perez A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing in the College of Arts and Humanities California State University, Fresno May 2015 APPROVED For the Department of English: We, the undersigned, certify that the thesis of the following student meets the required standards of scholarship, format, and style of the university and the student's graduate degree program for the awarding of the master's degree. Victor Arnoldo Perez Thesis Author Tim Skeen (Chair) English Corrinne Hales English John Beynon English For the University Graduate Committee: Dean, Division of Graduate Studies AUTHORIZATION FOR REPRODUCTION OF MASTER'S THESIS I grant permission for the reproduction of this thesis in part or in its entirety without further authorization from me, on the condition that the person or agency requesting reproduction absorbs the cost and provides proper acknowledgment of authorship. X Permission to reproduce this thesis in part or in its entirety must be obtained from me. Signature of thesis writer: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Cactus Heart: “Dream of Tió Bebo” appeared as “Tripping over a Cord” Echapbook: “Photograph of Nueva Rosita Mexico, 1953” appeared as Photograph of Mexico, 1953 Foothill: “In a Dive Bar near Delhi” Ram’s Tale: “The Fall” TABLE OF CONTENTS Page ONE .......................................................................................................................... 1 The Fall ................................................................................................................. 2 January Cold ......................................................................................................... 3 Dream of Tio Bebo ............................................................................................... 4 Maria’s Kitchen .................................................................................................... 5 Photograph of Nueva Rosita, Mexico 1953 ......................................................... 7 In a Dive Bar Near Delhi ...................................................................................... 8 An Ox on Fire ....................................................................................................... 9 Photograph from Hume Lake 1968 .................................................................... 12 Present Like Mosquito ........................................................................................ 14 The Speed of a Backswimmer Nymph ............................................................... 17 Uncle Javier as Chaperone ................................................................................. 18 Love Song for Baby Snowshoes ........................................................................ 19 Hunkered Down at the Woolfe’s Estate ............................................................. 23 TWO ....................................................................................................................... 25 Another Poem About Ants ................................................................................. 26 They Rise Like Giants ........................................................................................ 27 Gallery Deer ....................................................................................................... 29 Gallery Etiquette ................................................................................................. 30 Stay Strong Like Hemi ....................................................................................... 31 First Kiss ............................................................................................................. 32 A Heart Shaped Uterus ....................................................................................... 33 vi Page A Dream of Missing People ............................................................................... 34 THREE ................................................................................................................... 38 Mucho Means a Lot in Spanish .......................................................................... 39 A Man Wants My Children to Call Him Pops ................................................... 41 Dog Attack .......................................................................................................... 43 I Wore My Father’s Gloves ................................................................................ 44 The Story of the Cat and the Dog ....................................................................... 45 Navel to Apocalypse ........................................................................................... 46 This Song ............................................................................................................ 47 ONE 2 2 The Fall The soy and Tiger’s Milk will not save you here it is time for you to start thinking about what you left beyond the bones and blood and your reflection on your most recent past your evasion of reality your money your stop signs I will not deny my complete failure that brought us together my bike my jousting with herds of steel buffaloes my presence I commanded on the sidewalk my full speed vulnerability my full speed break in the chain But if you decide to fall turn your body into the fall do not try to outdo the inevitable that you will be on your back again staring into the sun Let this be Like the inevitable phone call let this be a reminder that there are so many things to do still like lose your job and convince your love that you have lost your anger that you have lost your absence 3 3 January Cold The tallest parts of Fresno drown in the cold of this night. The palm leaves quiver like tiny hands reaching out to somehow escape the cold. The backyard moon faceless, hides within its shadow again, revealing only its pock marked back, its disease. And on these nights when the clouds have scattered into the Sierra Nevada, the cold metastasizes frozen white onto the rooftops and cars. There are no harmonics to staying outside, but sometimes you can catch a jet rising in its trajectory southbound with a steady rumble streaming above, mocking the immobility, and stoic servitude of the ground. Yesterday I asked her to stay, and it is uncertain if she will return, perhaps after she has run her course. Even the sun has its predisposition for spoiling, mounted in its sliver of sky far towards the horizon. Fresno, like the old Chihuahua mother’s who don’t want to be held, coddled, that need only snap their teeth to make the stars recede. Maybe in a week this will all pass, but the cold hunkers down tonight, finally finds its bed among the streetlights, and parking lots, with a wind passing through like a violent dog, twisting, and scavenging finally trapped within the net of the trees. 4 4 Dream of Tio Bebo Tripping over a cord the lamp crashes down, sending the few inside running for cover. Sleeping, I can still hear the rustling overhead, dwellers deep and digging in the sticky dampness of sleep, stocking within the black eyes of a skyscraper, heavy, against the darkness behind. So I rise. I rise with somnambulant wings, with eyes wide like stereo speakers, sifting through the sidewalk trees and street lamps. And I couldn’t help but think Tió Bebo, dead now for years, unshaven, with body and apron arched over the hum of machines. How can anything so mortally severed reunite again? And back under the florescent lights I could see Abuelito Galaviz, a man I never knew, but could imagine somehow, more like symbol, less like person, sitting alone on a small wooden stool steady with hands as big as boxing gloves. He spends his years trying to recall faces, shucking the insides of time pieces, tossing their tired shells onto the floor, flecks of gold spilling like light from his waist. 5 5 Maria’s Kitchen My Grandmother says a desert can swallow a man whole, like a great open mouth with chapped lips turned towards the sky, with a long cactus tongue to pull you down. She says they would wait for him, sitting together framed by a small kitchen window behind the laundry line. Sometimes the only mementos from work are born from bars: perfume from a woman’s neck, papers for rolling tobacco, broken glass from alleyways hitched in the grooves of work boots. Over ribbons and fabric, near the warmth of the kitchen oven she unravels her childhood memories. This is Nueva Rosita, without roses, where the women are waiting for the man of the house, waiting to take his pay into town. There is no precision to coming home, and