ABSTRACT A PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR THE GUILTY: CONFESSIONS OF AN UNORTHODOX KILLER This work is a comprehensive examination of guilt that relates to the life of the author and those around him. The many facets of guilt are examined through short confessions which link together several essays. These essays cover a multitude of subjects from being the child of divorce, to the complexity of identity, and the relationship between hope, faith, community, and religion. The work covers larger questions as well, such as morality, mortality and the human condition. Several different forms are used in the project, such as a court report and an OkCupid profile, as tools to express larger themes. The project contains several different elements of the author’s own life as well, such as his work in the casino gaming industry, his participation as a juror in a celebrity murder trial, and a near death experience. Samuel Bruce Cosby May 2017 A PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR THE GUILTY: CONFESSIONS OF AN UNORTHODOX KILLER by Samuel Bruce Cosby A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing in the College of Arts and Humanities California State University, Fresno May 2017 APPROVED For the Department of English: We, the undersigned, certify that the thesis of the following student meets the required standards of scholarship, format, and style of the university and the student's graduate degree program for the awarding of the master's degree. Samuel Bruce Cosby Thesis Author Steven Church (Chair) English John Hales English Christi Henson English For the University Graduate Committee: Dean, Division of Graduate Studies AUTHORIZATION FOR REPRODUCTION OF MASTER'S THESIS I grant permission for the reproduction of this thesis in part or in its entirety without further authorization from me, on the condition that the person or agency requesting reproduction absorbs the cost and provides proper acknowledgment of authorship. X Permission to reproduce this thesis in part or in its entirety must be obtained from me. Signature of thesis writer: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS First I’d just like to thank all of my peers. Without all of your efforts and help in workshop none of this would be possible. I’d especially like to thank Samantha and Ryan for allowing me into your home and helping me understand all the things about the Bible that didn’t make sense to me. Big thanks to Arturo Morales as well for being the best roommate I could ask for and a valuable writing friend and confidant. I’d also like to thank all the wonderful faculty here. John, thank you for all of your support. You find ways to like my writing when even I don’t like it. You’ve pushed me to stop thinking about my issues as issues and to move beyond therapy. Steven, thank you for pushing me. You’ve pushed me to move past my boundaries as a writer and you showed me that I could write things I didn’t even think were possible. I’ve learned more from you than I’ve ever learned from anyone. Thank you to my wonderful girlfriend Katherine. You’ve been my sounding board and put up with my temper tantrums and mood swings while I put this project together. You’ve been more understanding than I could ever ask anyone to be. Lastly, thank you to my mom. You’ve always pushed me to do what makes me happy. You’ve supported me and given me so much, and I could never thank you enough. This project wouldn’t be possible without you pushing me in the right direction. TABLE OF CONTENTS Page A Brief Introduction to Original Sin .................................................................... 1 Omens, Pareidolia, and Tarot Cards ..................................................................... 4 Confession – My Original Sin ............................................................................ 27 The Multiverse of Me – Understanding Chaos Theory ...................................... 29 Confession – Empathy and Atlas ....................................................................... 41 Because of the Internet ....................................................................................... 43 Confession – A Practical Handbook for the Guilty ............................................ 52 A Study in Sexisami: A Catfishing Story ........................................................... 54 Confession – O.J. Simpson and Me ................................................................... 70 Reasonable Doubt ............................................................................................... 72 Confession – Wet Spot ..................................................................................... 112 How to Be Cool – A Guide to Smoking In Your 20s ...................................... 114 Confession – My Own Milgram Experiment ................................................... 121 What I Think About On Dead Spreads; Or How I Really Feel About Taking Your Money .................................................................................... 123 Confession – My Guilty Dreams ...................................................................... 139 The Church of Baccarat .................................................................................... 141 Confession – Freud, Happiness, and the Inherent Moral Compass ................. 155 Basic Applications of Time Travel in a Vacuum ............................................. 157 Confession – Survivor’s Guilt .......................................................................... 172 Memento Mori – A Guide to Contemplating Your Own Mortality ................. 173 A Final Confession – My Guilt ........................................................................ 187 A Brief Introduction to Original Sin If you ask most Christians about the origins of guilt and shame you will be referred to the Original Sin, the “Fall of Man,” as some call it, or “The Ancestral Fault.” Many believe that Adam and Eve’s transgressions in the Garden of Eden, namely the sin of disobedience in consuming from the tree of knowledge to be the direct cause of all sin, guilt, and shame thereafter. It was when Eve consumed from the tree of knowledge that she first realized her own nudity, and felt shame for it. Adam then points to God and blames him for his own defiance, claiming that it was God’s fault for giving him this woman. Whereupon Adam and Eve are both banished from the Garden of Eden. It was this action that caused both Adam and Eve to feel guilt for their transgressions against God’s will. And these transgressions are said to be passed down to the generations after Adam and Eve, eternally cursing the human race. These ideas of Ancestral Fault stem back further even, to the religious doctrines of ancient Greece. “The mills of the gods burn slowly. To the children’s children, and to those who are born after them,” said 2nd-Century Greek philosopher Celsus. Ideas of Original Sin can be traced through the history Christianity and Catholicism. Some in Orthodox Judaism even place the blame on Adam for the corruption of the world. Muslims believe that Adam and Eve were forgiven for their Original Sin. To me this is so riddled with sexism and entitlement. It absolves “God” from the responsibility of the creation of evil and places it on the shoulders of a woman. It places the blame of the sins of the father on the son. This notion 2 of inherited guilt and corruption has always been something that has plagued me, at least since I began to understand it. We are not responsible for the sins of our parents. Yet here we are. As someone who’s only ever been vaguely religious, this isn’t something that’s always made sense to me. It got to the point where I had to ask friends to explain it to me. My awareness and true realization of Original Sin began sitting on the couch. I was trying to make sense of it through its Wikipedia entry and I was pulling my hair out trying to make sense of the language. “I don’t think I get this,” I said, banging my hands on the keyboard. It felt like something I had to understand, but something that wasn’t coming to me easy. “Can you guys just help me make sense of this in terms I can understand?” I rattled off the entry to Sam and her husband Ryan, knowing that they had a better understanding than I did, especially with Ryan being the son of a pastor. “It’s more this idea that after consuming from the tree of knowledge Adam and Ever started becoming more aware of their shame. It’s when they first realized they were naked,” Sam said. “Yeah ok, I think I get that, but what does all this have to do with guilt?” “Well, that’s when they first realized they had done wrong, and they felt guilt for their actions,” Ryan explained. This went on for hours, we spent that whole night getting into moral debates on Original Sin and trying to make sense of it in ways that I had never 3 thought of. We touched on topics like morality, truth, human nature, and collective guilt. “I think that’s all bullshit,” I finally decided. “It doesn’t make any sense for all of guilt and shame to be created and passed down by the actions of two ‘fictional’ people.” But even then, I felt inklings of truth in the ideas of the Original Sin. I saw ways that these ideas had affected me in my own life. Especially when it came to awareness, shame, and guilt. I’ve spent years telling myself, I will not end up like my father. I will not be unhappy, stuck in a dead end job, living a life that has no purpose. At least, that’s what I want to believe. In many ways, perhaps I did inherit the sins of my father. Left as a sign of a failed marriage, tasked with finding a way to avoid all that he had done wrong. What I draw from the story of Original Sin is that it is not until we become self aware or self-conscious that we can truly feel and understand guilt. When we first understand that we have done wrong is when we can truly make sense of our actions and to feel regret, remorse, or shame for them. We all have our own Original Sins. Which leads to me to question; What is my own Original Sin? When was it that I first realized that I had done wrong? In my mother’s case, her Original Sin was her own birth.