Dear Young Rocker (Chapter 1 - Steam) I’ve gotten good enough at playing bass that I don’t have to look down at my hands anymore. I’ve been practicing almost a year now. A Smashing Pumpkins song is playing from a CD in the stereo sitting on the windowsill in front of me and I’m playing along. I love this album even though I was only 2 when it came out in 1991. <music> I look out into the backyard as the rhythm of the song creates this gravity that is sucking me in. The way the drummer plays pulls my insides and my whole body feels like it’s getting rocked to the beat. I can kind of see my reflection in the window. I’m twelve, I have this boy-short haircut that sticks out all over the place and I’m wearing my rainbow tie dye pajama pants and an extra large black t-shirt with the periodic table of the elements on it, pretty dorky, I know, but, I don’t care what I look like right now. I feel like I am part of the music. The drums pound out the beat and the bass line i’m playing matches up with it. I like how heavy and loud it is. It stomps the stupid thoughts out of my head. The anger and tightness in my ​ ​ body I feel when I think of what the popular kids see when they look at me flies away. My muscles relax and I let the music pull me and push me. I feel secure with the heavy instrument strapped to my body. I like the feeling of the dense wooden instrument in my hands and how it covers my body and the strap pulling down on my shoulder. Usually I don’t know what to do with my hands, they awkwardly go in and out of my pockets when i’m standing around at school I feel so vulnerable, but now I just feel like completely locked-in. I start moving more with the rhythm. I can finally jump around when I play without messing up instead of having to sit down and look at each note. I spread one leg forward and one back and rock from foot to foot. I think about the Smashing Pumpkins bass player D’arcy Wretzky and how I want to look that cool. She’s tall and thin though like a rocker is supposed to look, and I have this stupid ​ ​ curvy body. But right now I don’t really care. I’m starting to feel cool. I start hopping as I yell along to the lyrics “I am one as you are three.” “Tryna look for something in your city to burn.” I feel part of something - connected - connected to the other people playing the song, and to something even bigger. It’s not a normal feeling for me. But right now I feel the layers of the song and my role in it. The world outside of music scares me. It seems so disorganized and I don’t have any idea where I’m supposed to fit in, not that I even want to. I want to stop existing out there and just live in this song where everything makes sense. I feel in control of myself and I start to feel like a rock star. I am IN the Smashing ​ ​ Pumpkins. When the bass solo comes in I kick my right leg high in the air and swing the neck of the bass up. God it feels good to thrash around. At school I feel so clenched, so tight, but here I can let it all out. I do a headbang and as i’m coming up I see a man looking at me through the window. CRAP. I dive below the windowsill and on the way down register that he had a jumpsuit on. It’s the oil man coming to fill the tank. Sitting under the window I reach above my head and turn the volume down on the stereo. ---No one was supposed to see that --- (guitar theme, typrewriter sfx...) Dear Young Rocker, I’m so so so happy you’re discovering music. It’s going to take you places you can’t even imagine just yet and more importantly it’s going to transform the pain you feel but don’t know how to express to anyone around you. By the way – I’m the older you. You probably won’t believe me but I’m the 30-year-old you. Weird, I know. This podcast is partly your story which I’ll let you get back to in a minute - a memoir of the anger, isolation, anxiety, ​ ​ body issues, and other crap of adolescence and how playing rock music transformed the pain of growing up a loner. Yours isn’t a sad story, though – it’s about survival and ultimately learning to flourish in your own weird way. It’s also about a topic I’ve never heard discussed before – that it’s not just boys who deal with anger and aggression issues even though when they act aggressively it’s seen as a normal healthy part of growing up and are way more likely to be pushed toward an outlet for those feelings - like hey son bang on the drums or try out for football, while those of us elsewhere on the gender spectrum get labeled as problematic or crazy if we dare let our anger out so we often end up pushing all that unplaced aggression inside ourselves until we internally combust. Because we’re told it’s normal for boys to want to hit others but not for the rest of us right? Wrong. I dedicate this story to anyone who’s ever felt out of place or wrong or weird for something they can’t change about themselves and found a home in music. (Typewriting SFX) Dear Young Rocker was born from an idea many of us share – that I wish I could go back and tell my younger self a lot of things. And that’s the other half of this. I want to talk to not only the kid me but every kid out there who wants to be invisible, who feels strange in their growing body, who might imagine everyone hates them or that they hate everyone else and feel like no one on earth would ever get it. I want to tell them that they actually aren’t alone. I want to tell them that the pressures put on them as a girl or a boy or whatever their gender identity or sexual orientation or race or class or culture - those pressures aren’t always right or fair no matter what their parents say. And though this is my specific story, I hope it might help anyone who struggled or is struggling with those pressures. Music, specifically rock music, is what got me through it all and my dear young rocker it’s time for you to tell that story … Trigger warning for the rest of this episode for mental health and body issues, but I promise there’s a happy ending and to understand how important finding music was for me, you’ll have to understand how badly I … needed it first Ok young rocker back to you. … (transition) ---- So -- I have this thing where I want to be famous but I don’t want anyone to actually see me. Maybe I can tell you a story from when I was little to explain. One time my mom brought me along with her when she was shopping. (DRESSING ROOM MUSIC STARTS) While ​ ​ she was in the changing stall I played in the hallway with the big mirrors while the women were coming in and out. (DOORS) There was a leather ottoman to sit on for people waiting and I climbed up on it and jumped off over and ​ ​ over again. I pretended it was a tall building and I was actually flying down. I wanted to fly so bad back then. I ​ ​ thought about it constantly. So while I was doing this I said “I’m the flying girl. I’m so amazing! But no one even wants my autograph.” And I sighed really loudly. (SIGH) I don’t know how to explain it but I wanted all the women to see me -- but I didn’t at the same time. I pouted and sat down on the ottoman. Then a woman came out of a stall and said “It’s the flying girl! Can I have your autograph!” I turned bright red and my heart started racing. I dove to the floor (obviously a recurring theme in my life) and crawled into my moms changing room. I felt so ANGRY at the woman but I didn’t know why. (ANGRY GUITAR STARTS) My face burned and I felt this thing like hot ​ ​ steam rising up in my chest and pushing its way out of me through my head and my limbs. It felt like I could hurt someone without trying. BASS/Guitar Transition It was the same feeling I had when Mikael said that dumb thing about me in Algebra class. OK, I have to explain my body to you first so you get it. It’s like as soon as I got my period I went from a kid to a middle aged woman with these WOMANLY hips. By sixth grade I was curvy but not in the good symmetrical way.