THE D E F I N E D C O M E D Y of KEITH H. PETERSON ——————— ————— ——— People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament. — A.P. Herbert. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always drawn. — W.S. Gilbert. Being a parody, in light verse, of Dante's LA DIVINA COMMEDIA, set to the tune of Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor ("Sin"), Op. 67, and annotated to within an inch of its life. [ Date: February 14, 1976 ] The First Anniversary of P.G. Wodehouse's Death. © Keith H. Peterson 1985 Infunno © Keith H. Peterson 1976 Perkistorio © Keith H. Peterson 1978 Parodieso © Keith H. Peterson 1984 PUBLICATION OR PERFORMANCE OF THIS WORK WITHOUT THE PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE ANNOTATOR IS PROHIBITED. THE POET AND THE PILGRIM, FRANKLY, COULDN'T CARE LESS. NOTICE The depictions in The Defined Comedy of real persons, formerly in the public eye, are not intended to be accurate representations of those persons. The Poet has imputed to them acts, words and characters that are entirely fictitious, for the purpose of creating an absurd effect. TO M.J.S.1 "Se fosse tutto pleno il mio dimando," rispuosi lui, "voi non sareste ancora dell'umana natura posto in bando; chè 'n la mente m' è fitta, e or m'accora, la cara e buona imagine paterna di voi quando nel mondo ad ora ad ora m'insegnavate come l'uom s'etterna: e quant' io l'abbia in grado, mentr' io vivo convien che nella mia lingua si scerna." —Inferno, XV:79-87. "Believe me, Nick, that, if I'd had my druthers," I answered him, "you'd never've been banished from here, where alle Närrchen werden brothers; for from my heart of hearts has never vanished the tintinnabulation of your chortle as, day by day, my tarnished wit you planished and taught me how to make a jest immortal; so, while I've yet a tongue to sing your praises, If anything can last, your good report'll." —Homemade translation. 1Well—to S.L.B., actually. PERFORMANCE NOTES The Defined Comedy is set to Beethoven's Fifth, as interpreted in the 1961 recording by Leonard Bernstein and the New York Philharmonic (Columbia Records ML 5868/stereo MS 6468; Sony CD SMK 47516). Bernstein's tempos are best suited to the abilities of "the amateur tenor"; he repeats the exposition in the last movement; and, of the several versions I considered when I began the work, he best expressed my perception of Dante. Because I wrote with it in mind, any merit The Defined Comedy may have as a lyric to a pre-existing tune would be entirely lost, if it were sung to any other rendition. Through most of the Fifth, Beethoven makes this or that voice so dominant as to suggest at once the melody to which the words are set. (You may fake it where the tune is unsingable; I do.) When two voices are more or less equally emphasized, I have sometimes set words to the tune of the one more easily sung, using the rhythm of the other, and the words should be sung accordingly. These passages occur as follows: LINES MEASURES MELODY/RHYTHM Infunno, 68-75 I:109-117 strings/winds Infunno, 146-153 I:109-117 strings/winds Infunno, 294-301 I:361-369 strings/winds Parodieso, 225-233 IV:132-140 winds/strings Parodieso, 367-369 IV:349-361 strings/winds Parodieso, 379-381 IV:378-389 strings/winds In Parodieso, lyrics are sometimes set to melodic phrases that answer the phrases of the primary melody; the "answering" lines are indented and in italics. "Thus" (Infunno, line 179; mm. I:149-150) fits the melody only if one ignores (as I did) the tie joining its note to that on which "Euk" (line 178) is sung. "I/Just" (Parodieso, lines 402-403; mm. IV:430-432) must be sung to but a single note; Bernstein gives the cutoff there with such vigor, that I fancy I hear a second, separate note. Curet licet non de minimis lex; at ioca curant. APOLOGIA PRO VERBIS SUIS Meet Calliope, Euterpe— She's Vergilius's gal. Give Euterpe, here, a chirpy "Howdy," not-so-silent Cal! Though you've suffered an estrangement Since old Homer "knew you when," Here's a modern-day arrangement To unite you once again. It's a swipe at solemn Dante To the tune of Ludwig van (One, a moral vigilante; One, a mighty music man); An interminable lyric Born of one colossal Pun, Part pooh-pooh, part panegyric— All supposedly for fun. For, let's face it, Dante's GLOOMY. (And, besides, he's nice and dead. So, I ask you, who can sue me? [His Executors!!—ye Ed.]) Girls, you know I love the Poet, But his grimness goes too far; As for Ludwig! An inchoate Carol lurks in every bar! * * * * Gentle Reader! Pass me over, If you're certain you would writhe As I mow such precious clover With my sophomoric scythe. Shun the silly dilettante, If you think his jingle jars; I'd not have you end as Dante Did—he wound up seeing stars. THE SYSTEM OF KEITH'S INFUNNO SINS AGAINST SINS AGAINST SINS AGAINST PHONOLOGY SYNTAX SEMANTICS Humorous Serious Serious Serious Serious Tacit Tacit Explicit Explicit Explicit Acquired Acquired Acquired Innate Innate Honest Honest Honest Honest Dishonest LIMBO: William Schwenck Gilbert a VOCATION: b J. Pierpont Morgan RELIGION: c Dante d SNOBBERY: the pilgrim e MORALITY: Percy Bysshe Shelley Baron Acton F.I.S.H. f Points of Interest: LOYALTY: a. Repeat of Exposition Begins Bismarck's dupe b. The Gorgon g c. Development Begins ATHLETICS: d. Gate of Dis; Hon. Galahad Threepwood Sonny Liston e. Recapitulation Begins h f. The Styx g. Beelze Pub; the Centaur CONCEIT: h. Geryon; Coda Begins Geo. Bernard Shaw i. Jehovah and His Seven Seraphs i DECEIT: Will Rogers Oscar Hammer- stein II the Snark Victoria Regina a Pope [HERE BE DRAGONS] THE STRUCTURE OF KEITH'S INFUNNO: HOW COME? by the Annotator [In the beginning was the Word; but whether the Word actually was God or was merely with God is a moot point. I'm told that what John meant was that God was both Word and Referent. Now, philosophers may dispute whether referents exist, but they all agree words exist. Making God a referent would cause controversy, and the way I feel this morning, I don't need any controversy. If we're agreed He's a word, let's leave it at that.1 We thus avoid ontological chasms, which wins the empiricists over and puts us that much ahead of Tom Aquinas. Your catchy Theology, then, must be very, very simple. Well—here goes nothing:] The Word is triune: Semantics (Father), Syntax (Son), and Phonology (Holy Ghost/Holy Spirit/Holy-Owned Subsidiary of Father & Son, Ltd.).2 A person who twists subjective truth3 sins against Semantics. A person who values innate traits over acquired ones sins against Syntax, which embraces all acquired traits, not just grammar; although, in a Theology of words, grammar is central. In any case, Syntax is not what the IRS withholds from the Wages of Sin, which is something else entirely. A person who inflicts his words on others sins against Phonology. Thought words are sounded sublimely, while expressed words are sounded imperfectly—especially if you're from Brooklyn.4 Owing to Original Sin,5 though, even the sound of thought words is imperfect. To compensate for the low-fidelity of the human brain, which keeps us from doing right by the Word in all its aspects, we were given a sense of humor when we fell from grace. Only Humor can save our souls (such as they are) from damnation. Humor allows us to pull an end-run around the requirements of the Word. Humorists never mean to be taken seriously (Ha!), so it is meaningless 1This is known as "Consensus Theology." 2See? No referents—no ontological chasms—just words! 3And no objective, universal Truths, either. I'm dogmatic, but I'm not crazy. 4Don't ask me to explain this "tacit-explicit" dichotomy further, because I can't make heads or tails of it. All I know is that, when I read anything aloud, it never sounds half as good as when I read it to myself. 5If you thought this Theology never dealt with cold, cruel facts, think again. Fortunately, I haven't invented the history of Original Sin yet. to classify their words as honest or dishonest. Words that spark laughter are phonologically etherealized by that laughter, so whether the words were originally tacit or explicit becomes irrelevant. As for Syntax, if something's funny, who cares if it offends William Safire? In the words of St. Augustine of Hippo, ish kabibble. Until P.G. Wodehouse proved it, though, people could only guess that Humor meant salvation. It would have been unseemly to allow good guessers into Heaven. No religion has ever taught that people can be saved by sheer dumb luck, and I'm not about to start a new trend. Hence, Humorists who died before Wodehouse's Passion were judged by the impossibly high standard of the Word, and were cast into Limbo to await His Coming; for Wodehouse, if you haven't guessed, is the Syntax Made Flesh, the Everlasting Grammarian, the Prince of Wit, amen. Wodehouse made salvation possible, which was awfully decent of him.