THE TEASE SPOONS A Drama in One or Three Acts by John Lawrence Nazareth Page 1 of 38 Copyright © 2015 by John Lawrence Nazareth All Rights Reserved CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that THE TEASE SPOONS, being fully protected under the Copyright Laws of the United States, the British Commonwealth, including the Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Berne and Universal Copyright Conventions, is subject to a royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, and radio and television broadcasting, and the right of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Inquiries regarding performance and public reading rights should be addressed to the author at P.O. Box 10509, Bainbridge Island, WA 98110, USA or via e-mail to [email protected] NOTE: This is a work of fiction. The characters and events in it are all fictional. However, liberties have been taken in using the actual names of places, institutions, politicians, and philosophers. Page 2 of 38 CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY Act I: HAROLD, also called HARRY AMANDA, his wife, also called AMMEY BEVERLEY, endearingly called BAD DEREK, her husband Act II: MARCEL, a moniker, or nickname, for COLLECTIVE MEMORY and the characters of Act I. Act III: PROPRIETOR, an unnamed owner of a Mexican restaurant UNNAMED SERVERS in the restaurant and all the characters of Acts I and II. Page 3 of 38 NOTES and CONTEXT FOR THE PLAY A distinguishing feature of this play is that Act I---four scenes on a single set---can be performed independently as a one-act dramatic comedy that requires very modest staging resources. Alternatively, Acts I, II and III comprise a full-scale dramatic play. The characters and events in the play are all fictional, but the setting for the play is real and uses the actual names of places, institutions, politicians, philosophers, and even the author’s cat. ------------------------ The setting for Act I is Bainbridge Island, a bedroom community to the west of the city of Seattle in the State of Washington, USA, and a short, 35-minute ride by ferry across a separating body of water known as Puget Sound. The island’s downtown area is called Winslow, formerly a small, self-contained town beside the main harbor, which later incorporated the remainder of the island into a renamed City of Bainbridge Island. The island is about 12 miles long from north to south and 4 miles wide, with a land area of roughly 30 square miles, and its population of approximately 25,000 is highly- educated and prosperous. A bridge of less than a hundred meters across Agate Pass connects the island’s northern tip to the mainland west of Puget Sound, which is known as the Kitsap and Olympic Peninsulas. On the far side of this bridge lies the reservation of the Suquamish Native-American tribe and a few miles beyond is the unique little town of Poulsbo, also mentioned in the play, which is located on fjord-like Liberty Bay and was settled in the 19th century by immigrants from Norway and Sweden. This town grew much more organically than the City of Bainbridge Island and retains and celebrates its Scandinavian origins. The action takes place soon after the 2008 United States Presidential Election. ------------------------ Act II is a dream act with only a single speaking actor and it provides considerable room for directorial imagination. ------------------------- Act III takes place in a Mexican restaurant in the little town of Moab located in the state of Utah. Moab is the gateway to one of America’s most beautiful national parks known as Arches and not far from another spectacular sandstone formation known as Natural Bridges. -------------------------- Page 4 of 38 If this drama is performed in its full three-act version then the character Marcel of Act II could come on stage at the very beginning of the performance and provide the overall context for Act I. He can be attired as described at the start of Act II and introduce himself with a simple “Bon Jour, my name is Marcel,” then present the contextual discussion for Act I as given above, and conclude with an “Adieu, for now. We will meet again and get to know one another much more intimately very soon.” ------------------------------ Page 5 of 38 The Tease Spoons: Act I Copyright © 2015 John Lawrence Nazareth Four scenes performed on a single set Scene 1: Harold and Amanda (Harry and Ammey) are a couple, now in their sixties, who married in middle-age and are set in their ways. The scene takes place in the living-cum-dining room of their two-story townhouse. The living area is in full light, the dining area is dimly lit, and a doorway in the latter leads to an adjoining kitchen that is not visible. The front door of the house opens into the living room. Both Harry and Ammey are well attired, Ammey wearing a protective apron. They are expecting overnight guests, Beverley (Bev) and Derek. The first letters of their names spell Bad, and Harold and Amanda affectionately use that acronym for Beverley, who has a wicked streak, and likewise refer to their two visitors as B&D or the Bads. The set can be minimalist, if desired: a settee or couch and two easy chairs with a cocktail table between them in the living room; a dining table and four chairs in the adjacent dining area; and an oil painting (appropriate for the script below) on the wall of the living room. HAROLD: The Bads will be arriving before long. Gosh, I wish you hadn’t invited them to stay! It’s not as though they are old friends. Couldn’t they have put up at a motel? AMANDA [exasperatedly]: For heaven’s sakes, Harry, it’s just for tonight. And it’s not as if they are complete strangers. We’ve known them for over a year. HAROLD: Just those couple of months when they were selling their house here on the island and moving to their Wyoming ranch! AMANDA: Yeah, but wasn’t that a fun time! Dining out together at all those restaurants! And Bad has been a telephone friend ever since. Didn’t you enjoy our rendez-vous with them last summer at Bryce and Zion? HAROLD: Well sure, she’s bursting with life. But all the same, I wish they hadn’t timed their return for the day after the election. They’re such conservatives! It’s going to be Page 6 of 38 hell keeping our mouths shut about Barack whipping the pants off McCain. Oh and by the way, shouldn’t we be removing that Obama/Biden sign from the yard? AMANDA: You know, I’m sure they thought McCain could not lose. Probably part of the attraction of their return swing past here was the opportunity for a silent gloating session. I try never to talk politics with Bad if I can help it---you know how she feels about Bainbridge liberals! HAROLD: God, can you imagine! McCain sworn in next January by the Chief Justice, a rush of blood to his head, he keels over from a stroke or a heart attack, and suddenly we’d have President Sarah Palin right there on the podium! AMANDA: A rush of blood to somewhere else made him choose her as running mate in the first place. HAROLD: Well, Sarah sure has patability! AMANDA [looks confused]: HAROLD: You know… that old saw: “They are an incompatible couple---he has the income and she has the patability”. Gosh, even your brother had a crush on her and he’s more liberal than we are. AMANDA [shrugs off this levity with disdain]: Anyway, she’ll never be President now. Let’s have some tea. I’ve put the kettle on. [A couple of seconds later there is a whistle from the kettle and Harold goes into the kitchen.] AMANDA [calls out]: By the way, be careful not to slip up and call them B&D. Or Bad! Remember it’s Beverley and Derek. Bev and Derek! But she sure lives up to BAD! [Harold re-emerges with two cups on saucers with teaspoons in each saucer. He gives one to Amanda.] AMANDA [irritably]: That’s not my teaspoon! You’ve brought two of yours. [She gets up, goes into the kitchen, there is rattle of cutlery in a drawer, and she returns holding up a different teaspoon.] AMANDA: They are all jumbled up in the drawer as usual. I’ve used my cutlery for years! I’m not changing horses now just because we are married and our stuff has gotten all mixed up. There must be twenty teaspoons in that drawer! Page 7 of 38 HAROLD: Well I much prefer mine. A better brand, you know that! You always choose to lay out my cutlery for dinner when we have company. I prefer my green plates too. AMANDA: Oh for gosh sakes, they are made by Corning---that horrible unbreakable, shiny white with just a little ribbing of green. I know your mother preferred them when she was here. Everything subdued, everything in good taste! I love my pink plates. I need some color, a little pizzazz! AMANDA [sits down again on the sofa, settles down stirring her tea, and changes the subject to reminiscences]: Remember the first time I met Bad at the pottery studio? She was bursting with energy. So dominant! She’s the only person I’ve met since leaving the Bay Area who reminds me of my dear old friend at the Berkeley College Club, Mrs.