0 All articles in this ebook are copyright © 2017 V.W.P. Khambatta All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. All intellectual properties relating to Warhammer 40,000, including but not limited to GW, Games Workshop, Citadel, Black Library, Forge World, Warhammer, the Twin-tailed Comet logo, Warhammer 40,000, the ‘Aquila’ Double-headed Eagle logo, Space Marine, 40K, 40,000, Warhammer Age of Sigmar, Battletome, Stormcast Eternals, White Dwarf, Blood Bowl, Necromunda, Space Hulk, Battlefleet Gothic, Dreadfleet, Mordheim, Inquisitor, Warmaster, Epic, Gorkamorka, and all associated logos, illustrations, images, names, creatures, races, vehicles, locations, weapons, characters, and the distinctive likenesses thereof, are either ® or TM, and/or © Games Workshop Limited, variably registered around the world. All Rights Reserved. Other intellectual properties and their trademarks are property of their respective creators. Basically, the author is well aware he’s referring to stuff he didn’t create, and so this free ebook uses copyrighted material under ‘fair use’, which means this ebook is not intended for resale. Like, AT ALL. Basically: please don’t sue me Games Workshop. Or Marvel, or Jordan Peele, or honestly, anyone else. I’ve not made a penny from this, and honestly, I’d be surprised if I did. If you’re not Games Workshop, Marvel, or some other mildly terrifying corporate entity set on fiercely guarding its copyrighted material, and you’re reading this after paying someone money for it, then I don’t know what to tell you sister, but you done goofed. You should’ve got this for free off my website. Pictures of models are from the author’s own collection. As above, all copyright resides with the manufacturing companies. 1 By the same author: The Qlippothic Engine series: A Qlippothic Engine – Alpha Sequence: DEREVNYA A Qlippothic Engine – Beta Sequence: OSTROV A Qlippothic Engine – Final Sequence: SEPHIROTH The Seven Hills series: Seven Hills: The Steel, The Stone and What They Shared Seven Hills: Hiding From The Devil In Claywood Drive Seven Hills: Tending The Fleshly Garden Seven Hills: The Things I Will Tell God 2 This book is dedicated to all the women and men who’ve worked for Games Workshop over the years, but most especially to Andy Chambers, Jes Goodwin, and Jervis Johnson. 3 Contents: The Original Columns: Abaddon’s bolter is crap. Page 7 Why don’t they put their helmets on? Page 19 Safe, sane and consensual Page 35 Faintly aggressive society claims it's extremely moral Page 53 It's like a huge miniature golf course Page 71 Why does he stay with her? Page 86 Games Workshop makes games for kids Page 105 Frodo will never get to go to the moon Page 122 An imaginary story Page 140 It is impossible to balance 40K Page 157 Why are there so many skulls? Page 173 A barely-commented upon evil Page 192 Zombies, Klendathu and the absurdly violent intergalactic Page 213 space fungus The definitive Warhammer 40,000 recommended film list Page 226 John McClane's feet are more dramatic than an Eldar Page 248 Wraithknight Captain America needs to die Page 264 On maturity Page 279 Humanity wears many hats Page 292 Why I only really buy Games Workshop's products Page 317 The third rail Page 332 He's not The Messiah; he's a vicious prick in power armour Page 350 We cannot know someone until we have seen them fight Page 364 Notes on the pantheon of Mhurkan deities Page 381 Wolverine - the original faster horse Page 394 Argue on the internet better Page 407 I'm calling it right now: 'Get Out' is the greatest horror film Page 426 of this generation One life, steeped in early Rogue Trader Page 451 The Bonus Material: The strange case of the Warheads and the Grey Knights Page 472 Loginquintas Page 481 The Warhammer 30,000 film list Page 490 My OCD Page 499 Thanks Mantic! Page 514 The Demon and Michael Gove Page 519 4 Foreword: So not a lot of people seem to write critically about Warhammer 40,000. Now, to those of you going ‘But I’m critical of Games Workshop all the time!’, well, yes, you are. As we all know, Games Workshop’s fans are… well let’s euphemistically call them ‘passionate’ and walk away before they murder us for the fillings in our teeth. But writing critically isn’t always the same thing as writing criticism. The English language is unhelpful that way. Sure, the two things can be the same, but in the same way that not all humans are women, not all critical writing is criticism. Critical writing – more commonly called ‘critique’ – is where someone uses their brain-thinking to look at something artistic and analyse how it works. It’s a bit like being a mechanic who’s taking apart the engine to see how the car works. By deconstructing the mechanism, we can identify which bits work well, and which bits are causing problems. Other mediums have plenty of critical discourse written about them. There are scholarly articles about music, about film, about literature… but almost none about wargaming, and even less than that about 40K. And it’s not a surprise. If you’re a fan of the Warhammer 40,000 hobby, then you’re part of a very small crowd; if you’re an adult fan, you’re part of an even smaller crowd. If you’re an adult fan with a background in cultural critique, well: that makes for just the two of us, sister. As a result, there’s just not the kind of critical, analytical literature out there to enjoy that other subjects have. This book is my attempt to redress that. There’s an old idiom that you should write the sorts of things you’d like to read yourself. Well, what I’d like to read is some really detailed breakdowns of the various aspects of this strange little hobby of ours. Not just nitty-gritty, ‘crunch’-based articles (which are everywhere), but the sort of aesthetic and 5 artistic critique I grew up on, looking at issues of representation, of narrative, of thematic concerns and the like. I don’t know how successful it is, but I do know it’s the only book of its sort out there. I feel I can confidently state that you won’t find anything else like this out there. Whether that’s something for me to be proud of or not, well. I leave that evaluation to you. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to download this collection of essays, and I hope you enjoy it. Trigger Warning: This book contains what can charitably be described as dangerous levels of opinion. Every single word in here is absolutely subjective, and as a result, the columns herein have caused more than a few heated arguments online. So, to avoid any problems, let me give you the disclaimed: I am a middle-class, middle-aged, politically left- wing, white, middle-class, LGBT+ feminist ally. If any of those words trigger feelings of rage, hate or disgust in you, then I advise you to please, please, put my book down and find something else to read. You’re not going to agree with anything I have to say, and that’s genuinely okay. It’s not my intention to ruin anyone’s day, so please, don’t put yourself through an emotional wringer, mate. Just go off and do something better with your time. For the rest of you, please: enjoy. 6 Abaddon's Bolter Is Crap Or, Why Chaos' Greatest Strength Is What Means It Will Never Win. Originally published February 2015 In many American cities (and in all Western cities to a lesser or greater degree), there is a war that is fought by two huge armies. It is fought daily, in a variety of urban landscapes, everywhere from the rooms of the city hall, all the way down to the ruined couches on the projects and council estates of the poorest boroughs. One of these armies has extremely competent soldiers. Educated, intelligent and capable, these infantry are significantly more competent than those of the opposing armies. This is because the first of the two armies can call upon significantly better resources, supply lines, and, most importantly of all, has a significantly greater portion of control than their opponents. However, this army has two fatal flaws. The first is that the very control it commands, also stifles it; caught up in it's own successful use of bureaucracy, it can often be enslaved to that same system as effectively as it is its master. The other problem – and often the more damaging one – is that to rise to a position of command does not call for battlefield skills one might assume. In fact, it call for skills with politics; the ability to play the social games of those with real power. Needless to say, this does not attract the most competent soldiers, but the best politicians. Thus it is that the first of the two armies, seemingly the most powerful, is hamstrung by corruption amongst those who should be leading it. Effective at the bottom, but deeply inefficient at the top, this army could easily rise to 7 dominance, were it not for the nature of its own internal bureaucracy. The second of these two forces is almost the polar opposite of the first.