FromTreating Traumatic Bereavement: A Practitioner’s Guide, by Laurie Anne Pearlman, PhD; Camille B. Wortman, PhD; Catherine A. Feuer, PhD; Christine H. Farber, PhD; Therese A. Rando. Copyright 2014 by The Guilford Press. All rights reserved. HANDOUT 8 Feelings Skills Feelings skills are inner abilities that help people remain internally steady in times of distress. A loss often brings up strong emotions. For this reason, feelings skills are a foundational part of this treatment. Having specific skills to deal with intense or even overwhelming emotions will help you to experience your emotions more fully and with less discomfort or fear. These skills will help you throughout this treatment and recovery process. There are three feelings skills that are essential to this internal steadiness: inner connection (which helps people to stay connected to images and memories of loved ones), self-worth (which helps people to maintain a generally positive and stable sense of being “good enough” individuals), and feel- ings management (which helps people to handle strong feelings). We describe each of these skills and ways to build them below. INNER CONNECTION Inner connection is the feelings skill that allows us all to carry images and memories of loved ones with us, even in their absence. When we wonder what a beloved grandparent, former teacher, or friend might say, we may hear words of love, comfort, or support that reflect a strong sense of inner connection with these “loving others.” That connection can help us through challenging times, guid- ing us and enabling us to feel less lonely. Why Is Developing or Maintaining Inner Connection Difficult? People who didn’t experience much love or affection when they were growing up may not have many positive or loving figures to draw on in times of distress. Even if you have had loving connections with others, you may feel sadness, guilt, or anger when you think of your deceased loved one. This can get in the way of feeling that person’s love and support for you. How Can You Develop or Maintain Inner Connection? It’s important to be creative in thinking about who your “loving others” are. Such a figure may be a friend or family member, a former teacher or clergyperson, a pet, an admired public person, or an imaginary character. The “other” doesn’t have to be alive, and you may never have met. If one of your “loving others” is deceased, thinking about that person may bring sorrow or other feelings. If so, you might want to try to allow yourself to feel the emotions and try to keep this person’s love with you while reminding yourself of loving things the person would say to you and the special connections you had with each other. (continued) From Treating Traumatic Bereavement by Laurie Anne Pearlman, Camille B. Wortman, Catherine A. Feuer, Christine H. Farber, and Therese A. Rando. Copyright 2014 by The Guilford Press. Permission to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for clinical use only. Purchasers can download and print additional copies of this handout from www.guilford.com/pearlman-materials. 281 Copyright © 2014 The Guilford Press. All rights reserved under International Copyright Convention. Guilford Publications No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, or stored in or introduced into 370 Seventh Ave., Ste 1200 any information storage or retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or New York, NY 10001 mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the written permission of The Guilford Press. 212-431-9800 800-365-7006 www.guilford.com FromTreating Traumatic Bereavement: A Practitioner’s Guide, by Laurie Anne Pearlman, PhD; Camille B. Wortman, PhD; Catherine A. Feuer, PhD; Christine H. Farber, PhD; Therese A. Rando. Copyright 2014 by The Guilford Press. All rights reserved. Feelings Skills (page 2 of 7) Exercises for Strengthening Inner Connection You can strengthen your sense of inner connection with your “loving others” by practicing calling upon them in your imagination when you feel good. Then when you need support, it will be easier to draw on this resource. INDEPENDENT ACTIVITY: INNER CONNECTION Find a quiet spot to sit where you can be comfortable and uninterrupted for at least 20 minutes. Write down the names of three positive figures (for example, people you know or have known; animals; figures from history, public life, religion, or fiction). Imagine one of these characters comforting, encouraging, or supporting you. What advice might this individual give you about yourself, your behaviors, your relationship with your loved one, and your life? How might this person demonstrate understanding or compassion for you? When you finish imagining, take one of these positive words or phrases and repeat it to your- self several times. Then practice using that phrase when you feel lonely or lost. SELF-WORTH Feeling worthy or deserving of life and good fortune even when times are difficult is a sign of positive self-worth. It comes from a secure base or deeply felt sense of security in childhood, where adults treat children with love, compassion, and respect. As children grow up, they take in that positive regard and come to feel “good enough” about themselves. It doesn’t mean never having a bad day or feeling bad, but it does mean that even when people feel bad, they know (or can recall) that they are still reasonably good human beings. When they do something they know is wrong, they feel guilty. Guilt is a natural, and sometimes even useful, feeling. It’s easy to confuse bad feelings about what you did or did not do (guilt) with bad feelings about yourself as a person. Why Is Developing or Maintaining Self-Worth Difficult? People who grew up in homes where adults or peers were unsupportive or harsh may have taken in negative messages about themselves. This makes it difficult for them to feel like “good enough” per- sons, especially when things go wrong. It may be natural to move to self-blame or feelings of worth- lessness when bad things happen. How Can You Develop or Maintain Self-Worth? Associating with people who respect you, treat you with dignity, and bring out the best in you is an important way to develop a sense of self-worth. In addition, treating yourself with respect, doing things that are consistent with a positive self-image, and not doing things that diminish you in your (continued) 282 Copyright © 2014 The Guilford Press. All rights reserved under International Copyright Convention. Guilford Publications No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, or stored in or introduced into 370 Seventh Ave., Ste 1200 any information storage or retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or New York, NY 10001 mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the written permission of The Guilford Press. 212-431-9800 800-365-7006 www.guilford.com FromTreating Traumatic Bereavement: A Practitioner’s Guide, by Laurie Anne Pearlman, PhD; Camille B. Wortman, PhD; Catherine A. Feuer, PhD; Christine H. Farber, PhD; Therese A. Rando. Copyright 2014 by The Guilford Press. All rights reserved. Feelings Skills (page 3 of 7) own eyes can increase your self-worth. Acknowledging your mistakes, apologizing, and making amends when you do something wrong can help to build your sense of self-worth as well. Building skills and developing your knowledge and talents can also contribute. Finally, helping others and treating them with respect, compassion, and dignity can increase your own self-worth. Exercises for Strengthening Self-Worth The next time you are in the company of someone who likes you, ask yourself what that person values about you. You may also ask that person the same question. Notice how you feel when you offer someone else assistance or support. What does that say about you as a person? INDEPENDENT ACTIVITY: SELF-WORTH Make some notes about the kind of person you would like to be—your “best self.” This is your ego ideal, something to which you aspire. When you consider various actions in advance, try to follow the path to your best self. As you act according to this path, your sense of value and self-respect will grow. Think about something you did (or did not do) about which you feel bad or guilty. • Write for a few minutes about what happened, why you made the decision or acted as you did, and what your subsequent thoughts have been about your choices. • Think about or write down a few things you might do to make up for your mistake. • Identify one or two things that seem possible to do and not too challenging. • Experiment by doing one of these things, and see whether you feel better about yourself. FEELINGS MANAGEMENT Feelings management refers to the ways people cope with emotions that are particularly challenging. (We use feelings and emotions interchangeably here.) When most people experience happiness, they will express it easily. An emotion such as anger may be more difficult for some people to express, especially if the anger is powerful. If they have trouble experiencing intense anger, they may “bury” it or try to pretend it’s not there. Some people are so good at this that they aren’t even aware that they are angry. Emotions—even strong ones—help you to stay connected to yourself, to others, and to the world. This is important because emotions provide you with information about both the world around you and how you relate to that world. If you are feeling angry, for example, this feeling might reveal that there was an injustice or that someone wronged you.