A Journey into Grief A C elebration of M otherhood... A Book for Bereaved Parents and for those w ho Love Them Edition V I Joanne C acciatore, PhD , M SW , FT In Loving M em or y O f: __________________________________________ “T h er e a r e tim es w h en sor r ow seem s to b e th e only tr u th .” O scar W ilde, D e Profundis D EAR C H EYEN N E A Journey into grief A C ollection of angels and m iracles A C elebration of m otherhood By Joanne C acciatore C over Illustration by Linda Schm idt In m em ory of her precious sw eet baby boy, Skyler K irby Schm idt O ctober 25, 1999-January 4, 2000 R em em bered in the hearts of his fam ily A special thank you to Jenny and Gary M cSpadden in loving m em ory of M ikayla K enzie and K ara Jones in m em ory of D akota Publisher: M ISS Foundation C opyright 1996,1997,1999, 2002, 2003, 2007 All rights reserved internationally N o part of this publication m ay be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system , photocopied, or otherw ise, w ithout the w ritten perm ission of the publisher and/or author. For m ore inform ation visit the w ebsite at w w w .m issfoundation.org to reorder copies send check or m oney order to: M .I.S.S. Foundation PO Box 5333 Peoria, Arizona 85385 H elping Fam ilies Facing D eath… Include $11.95 per copy plus $3.00 shipping ISBN 0-9717266-5-5 M anufactured in the U nited States of Am erica C acciatore, Joanne Title 1 8rom the Author I w ould like to thank m y surviving children: rm an, m y first born, spirited child and first true love; C am eron, m y quiet and strong son w ho brightens m y day w ith his beautiful blue eyes; Stevie Jo, m y daughter for her love, courage, and infinite w isdom of the ages; Joshua C heyne, m y subsequent child and the light of m y life. You have all given m e hope and happiness in m y life once again. Thanks to our Board of D irectors for their tireless support. Thank you R ob for your friendship, w isdom , and endless volunteer hours. And to R usty w ho cam e into our lives and supported our cause, helping change the w orld in w hich w e live. Thank you to R andy, m y ray of sunshine and encouragem ent. And m y endless gratitude to D avid, for supporting m e and m y crusade since 1997 and for loving our children to the ends of the earth. To m y PhD C hair, D r John D eFrain of the U niversity of N ebraska-Lincoln for believing in m e, putting up w ith m y incessant questions, and guiding m e, thank you. Jim G regory- thank you for alw ays rem em bering. I also w ant to thank the true initiates, our M ISS Foundation fam ilies, w ho have experienced the death of their child. Your children inspire m e every day to continue on this path. Thank you to the C om passionate Friends- you helped m e find strength on this journey. O nly those w ho have w alked this path can understand the depth of this pain. It is m y hope that in reading this book, you w ill allow yourself to experience the m yriad of em otions of grief: from the denial, anger, blam e, guilt and sadness to the resolution, fortitude, faith, and acceptance. W e do not ever "get over" the death of our child. It is a lifetim e journey to w hich w e m ust yield. And w ords cannot express m y thanks to m y dearest friend and m entor, D r. Elisabeth K ubler-R oss, the w om an w ho planted the seed of com passion in m y heart and w ho inspires m e each day to continue this w ork. I love you, Elisabeth. I prom ise I w ill fight the good fight for the rights of grieving children and their fam ilies. I w ill listen for your guidance from the other side… “T h ose w h o ca n’t h ea r th e m u sic, th ink th e d a ncer m a d .” For my mother, Jo, who joined her granddaughter on November 4, 2001, my dad who died November 4, 2005 And for my beautiful Cheyenne~ July 27, 1994 H er beauty has forever changed our world. I will never forget you, baby. See you on the other side. D ear C heyenne, A Journey into G rief A C ollection of Love, Faith & M iracles A C elebration of M otherhood Edition V I Proceeds from the sale of this book benefit T he M ISS Foundation Fam ily O utreach Program s For its dedication to assisting fam ilies after the death of a child and in the training of m edical professionals w ho care for them . 1.888.455.M ISS 623.979.1000 joanne@ m issfoundation.org O r visit our w ebsite at w w w .m issfoundation.org © 1996, 1997, 1999, 2002, 2003, 2007 A ll rights reserved N o copying or reprinting w ithout perm ission from the author or publisher C acciatore, Joanne ISBN 0-09717266-5-5 C O N TEN TS Prologue: Passages The Journey Through Grief 9-113 Postscript 114 Articles of Interest 115-138 Im m ediate Grief 116 Funeral Planning 118 M usic 123 M em orializing and R itual 124 Am I Losing M y M ind? 125 R esources & Support 127 M yths of Grief 129 U nedited Truth About Grief 131 Subsequent C hildren 134 Styles of Grief 136 Grieving C hildren 138 The Storm of Grief 140 Poetry for C erem onies 141-142 Busiculous 143 Manifesto of My Grieving Heart, Mother’s Day, 2002 This is my path. It was not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully with intention. It is a journey through grief that takes time. Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. I may be impatient, distracted, frustrating, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion. Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me. Please be gentle with me. Please, self, be gentle with me, too. I will not ever "get over it" so please don’t urge me down that path. Even if it seems like I am having a good day, maybe I am even able to smile for a moment, the pain is just beneath the surface of my skin. Some days, I feel paralyzed. My chest has a nearly constant sinking pain and sometimes I feel as if I will explode from the grief. This is affecting me as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Remember that grief is as personal to each individual as a fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be doing it or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me. Surviving this means seeing life’s meaning change and evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child or by an elderly person struggling with the door. So many things I struggle to understand. Don’t tell me that “God has a plan” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes seem far too easy to slip from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now. Oh, perhaps as time passes, I will discover new meanings and insights about what my child’s death means to me. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of her absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder.