University of New Orleans ScholarWorks@UNO University of New Orleans Theses and Dissertations Dissertations and Theses 12-19-2008 Wholly Innocent James Wesley Harris University of New Orleans Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.uno.edu/td Recommended Citation Harris, James Wesley, "Wholly Innocent" (2008). University of New Orleans Theses and Dissertations. 873. https://scholarworks.uno.edu/td/873 This Thesis is protected by copyright and/or related rights. It has been brought to you by ScholarWorks@UNO with permission from the rights-holder(s). You are free to use this Thesis in any way that is permitted by the copyright and related rights legislation that applies to your use. For other uses you need to obtain permission from the rights- holder(s) directly, unless additional rights are indicated by a Creative Commons license in the record and/or on the work itself. This Thesis has been accepted for inclusion in University of New Orleans Theses and Dissertations by an authorized administrator of ScholarWorks@UNO. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Wholly Innocent A Thesis Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of the University of New Orleans in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Master of Fine Arts in Film, Theatre and Communication Arts Creative Writing by James Wesley Harris B.A. Saint Louis University, 1998 December, 2008 Copyright 2008, James Wesley Harris ii Acknowledgements I thank my parents, Bill and Amelie Harris, without whom the central subject of this thesis, my life, would not exist. I especially thank Mom for endowing me with a vivid imagination, and Dad a steady work ethic. I am eternally grateful for my wife Nicole’s undying support and unflinching editorial advice. In addition to keeping me well-fed, happy, and relatively sane, she has helped me slosh through difficult emotional terrain and make labyrinthine events clear to the reader. While there are literally hundreds of other family members who have impacted this manuscript in various ways, and I am obliged to each one for making me who I am, I would like to single out my brother Peter, whose tireless dedication to music has inspired me to embark on this artistic quest. I also thank: my brother Billy, whose prodigious talents and intelligence have helped to guide me on this path; my sister Lucy, for seeing the gold amidst the unrefined ore; my brother-in-law Woody, an inspiring and energetic writer, who spent countless hours reviewing early versions of this manuscript and ultimately guided me in the right direction; my Aunt Sara, for asking direct questions and assisting with family history; my Uncle Steve, for reminding me that play and work are one and the same; my late Uncle Louis Burton, for sharing the magic of our family lore; my cousin Heather, for introducing me to Nicole and driving me home from the Jesuits; and my Aunt Ginger, for revealing that every moment of life is a teacher. I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the University of New Orleans Low Residency MFA program, which has helped me shape this record of events into a literary manuscript. I’m grateful to Bill Lavender, for his cool leadership of this artistic enterprise, and his wife Nancy Dixon for introducing me to some key literary figures. Jennifer Stewart deserves special thanks for standing behind the banner of this project even when I had given up on it. Jennifer has also iii been responsible for keeping me enrolled in the program and encouraging me to dedicate two full summers to the literary life. Dinty Moore initiated the first broad structural questions leading to the manuscripts current form, and his early supervision continues to guide my conception of the manuscript as a literary work. Jim Grimsley’s indispensable guidance forced me to adhere to logic, which allowed linear structure to drop out and make room for real scenes. Joseph Boyden, in addition to believing in the project, helped me make crucial adjustments in tone and repair myriad grammatical errors. Steven Church helped to clarify one of the most difficult parts of the book, the ending. Finally, I am grateful to Iñigo de Loyola, his Compañia and its associates, and to the mysterious divine forces who have blessed me with this spiritual journey of faith and healing. May we all continue to grow in awareness. iv Table of Contents Abstract.............................................................................................................................. vi Introduction..........................................................................................................................1 Chapter 1..............................................................................................................................2 Chapter 2..............................................................................................................................5 Chapter 3............................................................................................................................18 Chapter 4............................................................................................................................25 Chapter 5............................................................................................................................34 Chapter 6............................................................................................................................46 Chapter 7............................................................................................................................52 Chapter 8............................................................................................................................63 Chapter 9............................................................................................................................74 Chapter 10..........................................................................................................................80 Chapter 11..........................................................................................................................84 Chapter 12..........................................................................................................................99 Chapter 13........................................................................................................................106 Chapter 14........................................................................................................................119 Chapter 15........................................................................................................................134 Chapter 16........................................................................................................................140 Bibliography ....................................................................................................................148 Vita...................................................................................................................................149 v Abstract Why would a relatively normal eighteen year-old boy from New Orleans decide to dedicate his life to God as a Jesuit priest at the tail-end of the twentieth century? What obstacles would he meet along the way? What would sustain him in religious life? Why would he leave after seven years? Can one be sexually and emotionally healthy as a celibate? Is celibacy different for homosexuals than it is for heterosexuals? What is essential in the spiritual life? Key words: Iñigo de Loyola, Jesuit, priest, chastity, sex, meditation, love, spirit, peace, obedience, frustration, gay, Guatemala, Dominican Republic, Indian Reservation, St. Louis, Omaha, New Orleans, Catholic Church vi Introduction I left my family at age eighteen to join the Jesuits, an order of Roman Catholic priests. The Jesuits, though numbering only eighteen thousand men worldwide, wield tremendous influence over one-sixth of the world’s population. Most Catholics will never enter a priestly community in their lifetimes, due to religious communities’ cloistered and secretive nature. I lived and worked within priestly communities for seven years. When I joined the Jesuits, I didn’t know that religion could be an elaborate mask for deep psychological wounds. The spiritual awakening I experienced at age seventeen led me into religious life seeking answers, but the emotional and intellectual work that encompassed my seven years in the priesthood left me with mostly questions. I did learn that the Catholic Church, though a force for much good in the world, also harbored a significant number of sexual predators. I also learned that, in order to be a healthy emotional human being, I had no choice but to leave the priesthood in search of a loving, monogamous relationship. As a Jesuit I strove to imitate the life of Iñigo de Loyola, a Basque courtier turned pilgrim saint at the height of the Spanish Empire. I was fortunate to meet spiritual guides along the way who helped me learn Iñigo’s Spiritual Exercises, but in the end I discovered that my spiritual path diverged from the one Iñigo pioneered. Nonetheless, by leaving the Jesuits and entering a life of poverty and radical solitude, I found that I was more in tune with the life if Iñigo outside of religious life than I had been inside of it. 1 Chapter One 1993. Sister Miranda’s Convent. Omaha, Nebraska. Sister Miranda and I walk down a long hall to the chapel, where we sit next to each other in the front pew and stare up past the altar at a sky of painted stars