THE GEEK'S GUIDE TO DATING geek_interior_MECH.indd 1 6/24/13 2:24 PM geek_interior_MECH.indd 2 6/24/13 2:24 PM THE GEEK'S GUIDE TO DATING by Eric Smith geek_interior_MECH.indd 3 6/24/13 2:24 PM Copyright © 2013 by Quirk Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2012953989 ISBN: 978-1-59474-643-7 Printed in China Typeset in Kongtext and Futura Designed by Katie Hatz Illustrated by Kickpixel Production management by John J. McGurk Quirk Books 215 Church Street Philadelphia, PA 19106 quirkbooks.com 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 geek_interior_MECH.indd 4 6/24/13 2:24 PM For Miguel Bolivar, Patrick Cassidy, Dario Plazas, Tim Quirino, and Michaelangelo Ilagan. For all those many days and nights filled with nothing but . > StarCraft > Diablo > Halo > Goldeneye > Magic: the Gathering > Pokémon > Lord of the Rings > Call of Duty > Futurama > Final Fantasy XI > Reading GamePro > Gears of War > Star Wars and Star Trek > World of Warcraft . all while talking about girls. This, my friends, is for you. geek_interior_MECH.indd 5 6/24/13 3:06 PM CONTENTS Introduction 009 Welcome, Player One Chapter 1 015 Select Your Character: Your Quest Begins Chapter 2 043 Engage! Plotting Your Course through the Dating Realm Chapter 3 077 Do or Do Not, There Is No Try: Asking Her Out Chapter 4 103 Ready, Player One? Preparing for the Date geek_interior_MECH.indd 6 6/24/13 2:24 PM Chapter 5 123 First Contact: The Date! Chapter 6 147 Beyond Thunderdome: The Day After, and Beyond 179 Chapter 7 Boss Level: Advanced Geek Dating 207 Acknowledgments geek_interior_MECH.indd 7 6/24/13 2:24 PM geek_interior_MECH.indd 8 6/24/13 2:24 PM INTRODUCTION W elc o m e, Pla y e r One geek_interior_MECH.indd 9 6/24/13 2:24 PM layer One, I don’t want to lie to you. Not at the very beginning of this book, nor at the middle, nor the end of it for that matter. This isn’t Portal, and I’m not going to tease you with promises of cake. Within this playfully illustrated, reference-laden tome lies a true challenge. An epic quest that will lead you through the perilous, occasionally disaster-filled world of modern dating. It’s a world as dangerous as Ceti Alpha V, confusing as Crisis on Infinite Earths, and challenging as the Special Zone levels in Super Mario World. Dating has changed. The art of writing long, heartfelt “I like like you” letters has been replaced by the hookup sext message. Thanks to Google and Facebook, the blind date doesn’t really exist any- more. Longing flirtatious stares are going by the wayside, as people become more comfortable with sending an ellipsis in a chat win- dow. And with online dating becoming the new normal, concepts like courtship and chivalry have started to feel somewhat dated. There have been days that I, much like the aging gamer who clings to his original Game Boy with its fading screen, have yearned for simpler times. For the days of old when one could hop into a geek_interior_MECH.indd 10 6/24/13 2:24 PM CH 00 WELCOME, PLAYER ONE 0011 chat room on America Online, type in A/S/L?, and immediately find a soul mate. For a time before Facebook poking and direct messag- ing on Twitter, when getting your crush to notice you required talking face-to-face, or at least passing them a note along the lines of Do you like me? Circle Yes or No. As a lovesick kid, I always tossed a Maybe in there, just to spice things up a bit. So how do you date in a world where people, to some extent, don’t really date anymore? Where they become close virtually rather than in person, via texts instead of over dinner? Where a phone call to say how you’d really love to see them tonight, or a long pause before asking someone to come upstairs, is replaced with a text that says “… sup? ;-)” By embracing traditional rules, and staying old-fashioned in a modern world. Or, better yet, updating those traditions for the mod- ern age. Technology and the gadgets we’ve been blessed with have cer- tainly made life easier and taken us in the direction of making all of Gene Roddenberry’s wildest dreams come true. But as much as modern tech and the Internet have made the world feel a little smaller, they’ve also managed to push us apart. You don’t need to look all that far for proof. I mean, there’s an app called FaceTime just for face time. As a kid, I projected myself into video games (as I once described in detail in the online literary journal BygoneBureau.com). When playing an RPG, I always renamed the characters when given the option. In Chrono Trigger, I was always Crono. His best friend, Lucca, was renamed Darlene, after a girl who’s been my closest friend since I was 8 years old. Robo, Frog, Ayla, and Magus have been given an array of names over the years—always for the people clos- est to me. And Crono’s love interest, Marle? I named her after vari- ous crushes and, later, different girlfriends. During a play-through geek_interior_MECH.indd 11 6/24/13 2:24 PM 0012 THE GEEK'S GUIDE TO DATING CH 00 on my iPhone, as I renamed Marle after my current sweetheart, it hit me: this nearly two-decade-old RPG about time travel has been with me through all of my romantic relationships. And it’s taught me valuable lessons about being brave (Crono goes after and saves the girl), learning to accept yourself (Robo is accused of malfunctioning, of being broken), not giving up on love (Robo doesn’t find his match until after he transcends time), and moving on from the past (Frog recovering from the disgrace of letting down Queen Leene). Technology, games, fantasy worlds, superheroic characters . I love them all. I’m a still-sometimes-awkward 30-year-old man who owns a Master Chief suit and plays Chrono Trigger on his iPhone, and I’m okay with that. Because I use technology as a tool, not a crutch. See, there’s a reason why we geeks always read the book, graphic novel, or comic series before seeing the movie. Why we acknowl- edge the original series before checking out the reboot. Why we take the time to play with Magic: The Gathering cards and Warhammer 40,000 figurines before trying out the various video game adapta- tions. Honoring tradition, understanding the way things originally were—and why—makes embracing modern ideas even better. The same principle applies whether we’re talking about remakes of Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who or about meeting that special someone. In this book, we’ll explore the lessons embedded in the pixels and codes and equations and datastreams of the geek canon. Old-school lessons about love and relationships, honor and allure, heartbreak and loss. Lessons that have stood the test of time (and time travel). What this little book is going to challenge you to do, Player One, is to upload traditional dating rules into the operating system of the modern dating world. This quest will challenge you. It will upset, infu- riate, and frustrate you. But like all good quests, if you undertake it for the right reasons, the experience is its own reward. Your journey is about to begin, Player One. And on that journey, I wish you luck. geek_interior_MECH.indd 12 6/24/13 2:24 PM CH 00 WELCOME, PLAYER ONE 0013 It’s time to press Start. geek_interior_MECH.indd 13 6/24/13 2:24 PM geek_interior_MECH.indd 14 6/24/13 2:24 PM CHAPTER 1 Selecting Your Character: Your Quest Begins geek_interior_MECH.indd 15 6/24/13 2:24 PM 1 ood to see you, Player One. Grab a spot on the couch; help yourself to those chips and some Mr. Pibb. (I know, you wanted Pepsi, but Mr. Pibb was on sale.) We’ll bust out some beers later on; for now, you’ll want to keep a clear head. So, we both know why you’re here. You’re tired of living life in single player mode; you’re on a quest for a Player Two to call your own. Maybe you’ve already tried to recruit a partner at a local tavern or cantina but ended up flying home solo. Maybe you’ve yet to make a first move in the three-dimensional chess game that is dating. First off, relax. Sure, you’re eager to start the search for your smizmar. But Rome wasn’t built in a day—not even Space Rome, where Kirk, Spock, and McCoy fought in the gladiatorial arena. Before you sad- dle up and ride towards adventure with map in hand and longsword sheathed over your shoulder—even before you spend some precious silver pieces on torches, daggers, and a ten-foot pole (to check for trapdoors)—you have to spend a little time assessing your stats and checking your skills. Here’s the thing, Player One: It is incredibly important to get to know yourself and figure out what you want before you start dating. geek_interior_MECH.indd 16 6/24/13 2:24 PM CH 01 SELECTING YOUR CHARACTER 0017 Otherwise, you’re just going to end up wasting time.