An Oversized, Jaunty, and Highly Colorful Compendium Containing over 100 Articles and Essays Comprising an Insightful and Informative Treatise on This Most Personal of Human Bodily Functions. All material copyright © 2007 by Jim Goad. Front and Back Cover Designed by Sean Tejaratchi. Amish Couple and Birds drawn by Jack Pollock. Everything within these covers was written and designed by Jim Goad. Jim Goad...Jim Goad...Jim Goad! This edition published by FERAL HOUSE, Los Angeles, CA • www.feralhouse.com “Requiem for a Heavy Breather” and “Nunfucked” originally appeared in HUSTLER. “Pleasuring Myself in Prison” originally appeared in SCREW. “Ejaculating Blood” originally appeared in the SAN FRANCISCO BAY-GUARDIAN. “Methturbation Blues” and “Hot Muslim Twat!” originally appeared in VICE. “My Cheating Heart” and “Biting the Whore that Fed Me” originally appeared in NEW YORK PRESS. “Women Stink” originally appeared in THE PROBE. "Brass Pole Babylon” originally appeared in HIGH SOCIETY. “Hillbilly Pussy Online!” and “Pornhater” originally appeared on SETGO.COM. Everything else originally appeared in EXOTIC (Portland) and EXOTIC UNDERGROUND (Seattle). REAL FAKE Necrophilia: The Love That Cannot Speak its Name (Especially if You’re the Dead One). 58 OPINION Home Breast-Implant Kits. 6 Rectal Foreign Bodies. 60 Cash4Gash: Prostitution from Temple Harlots PERSONAL to Sidewalk Crack Whores . 158 Adult Films Made by Children. 8 Dirty Words in Other Languages. 62 My One-Night Stands. 116 Man’s Best Friends: The Legal, Ethical, and New Wave of STDs . 10 Sex Toys That Time Forgot. 64 Worldwide Sexual Achievement Hall of Fame . 12 Trying to Make Sense of Women Personal Issues Surrounding Bestiality . 162 Fun ’n’ Obscure Sex Slang . 66 Who Love Bad Boys . 118 Genital Cosmetic Surgery . 14 Women Stink: The Distinguished Gentleman’s The Sad, Lonely World of Biological Sex Freaks . 68 My Cheating Heart: Why I’ve Lost Faith Guide to Vaginal Odor . 164 What Every Man Should Know 100 Famous Quotes About Women. 70 in My Ability to Be Faithful. 120 About Cunnilingus . 16 When Cunts Talk: A Review of Battle of the S&M Titans . 72 Methturbation Blues. 123 The Vagina Monologues . 166 How Your Mouth Can Help You Keep a Man . 18 Understanding the Male Nipple . 74 Squirtin’!: Is ‘Female Ejaculation’ Real, What’s With all the Lesbians? . 168 Penis Sizes of World Religious Figures . 20 Koro, Koro, Koro!: The Wild, Wacky, Weird or is it Just Piss?. 124 Requiem for a Heavy Breather: Virgin Mary’s Face Appears in Wet Spot . 22 Phenomenon of “Penis Panics” . 75 Gay Hamburgers of Portland . 126 Technology Kills the Obscene Phone Caller. 170 Priest Turns Confession Booth into 10 Tips Toward a Tighter Pussy. 76 My Erogenous Zones . 127 The Cocks of Rock . 171 “Erotic Lingerie Modeling Booth Gay ‘Bout Me!: My Sexual Fantasies for Boys” . 24 Queefer Madness . 78 The Vanishing Handjob . 172 About Myself . 128 The Herbal Date-Rape Drug . 25 Girls Just Wanna Have Food . 80 Tits are For Kids . 173 Bird-Doggin’!: The Perils and Pleasures of Funniest yahoo! Fetish Groups. 82 The Catholic Schoolgirl Fetish: P.B. ’n’ AIDS! . 26 Fucking Another Man’s Woman . 130 Fun Vagina Facts . 86 It’s Not Just for Pedophiles! . 174 Nutri-Dick . 27 Test-Driving Viagra . 132 Fun Penis Facts. 88 Catfight!: Why Women Love to Fight Local Couple Tries New Sexual Position 28 Mother Nature’s Viagra . and Why Men Love to Watch . 176 Hot Amish Pussy!. 29 World’s Funniest Sexual 134 Dysfunctions . 90 Muslim Girls TURN ME ON!. 178 Vaginal Palmistry . 30 Three Coins in the Condom Machine . 137 Whatta Way to Go! . 92 Hot Muslim Twat!: Pornography Invades Ex-Slaves Sue In Search of the Prostate Gland . 138 the Islamic World . 180 Leggo my Preggo!: The Disgusting Surfeit of Dominatrix for Reparations . 31 My Teenaged Celebrity Crushes . 140 Hillbilly Pussy Online! . 182 Pregnancy-Fetish Websites . 95 Sharkee’s. 32 A Heat Wave in My Pants . 142 Hand-Held Shower Nozzles: Strange Sex Laws . 96 We Are Family! . 33 In Praise of Mature Women . 143 Demon Enemy of the Patriarchy . 184 A Night at Stinky’s. 34 All the Gay Beasts of the Field The Slut...Reconsidered . 185 In Defense of Women with Bad Teeth . 144 What About Us? . 35 (Homosexuality in the Republican Gash . 186 Animal Kingdom) . 99 I Always Vote for BUSH . 145 100 Years of Oregon’s Le-Turned Out: Analyzing the Sexual Landmarks . 36 Whiskey Dick: The Role of Intoxicants Ejaculating Blood. 146 Mary Kay Letourneau Case . 188 in Sexual Dysfunction . 100 Cafe Beefcake . 38 Faking the Male Orgasm . 147 Did Jesus Have Wet Dreams? . 190 Rage Against the Taking Pictures of My Peen . 148 Man Uses Photoshop to Give Himself a Bigger Penis . 39 Fucking Machine . 102 The Jack Shack . 192 I’m Lousy The First Time. 149 Guide to Summertime Sexual Fun . 40 Wide World of Animal Cock . 104 Religion, Sex & Taboo . 196 Weird Sexual Practices (and How to Perform Them) . 42 A Freaky Kind of Love: The A-Z Guide Losing My Virginity. 150 The Industry . 197 Sexual Myths . 43 to Paraphilias . 106 The Auto-Suck . 151 Pornhater . 216 Pug Porn . 44 Nudism: From the Volleyball Net to the When Spanking Isn’t Wrong . 152 Brass-Pole Babylon . 218 Interview with a Male Prostitute . 46 Internet. 108 Five Seconds of Bliss: My One and Only Experience Biting the Whore that Fed Me: My Self-Imposed Twats wit’ Tats . 48 Nunfucked: The Hidden Story With a Prostitute . 154 Exile From Pornland. 220 Alcoholic Titty . 50 of Sexual Abuse by Nuns . 112 Wiener-Dog Heartache . 155 Nobody Sux Like Pleasuring Myself in Prison . 156 SUX Sux . 52 SuicideGirls: All Girls, No Suicide . 53 My Muscular Ass . 54 CONTENTS.