PAGE 12 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY FEATURES November 12, 1996 ■ THE PEEL DEAL / MOVIE PEVIEWS New on Video... Cruise's Accomplished Mission Spy Hard Tries Too Hard, Pinocchio Is Bleak and Wooden Jamie Peck but only periodically, and he be- Retriever Weekly Staff Writer comes the svelte, obnoxious Buddy Love. The Adventures of Pinocchio The plot here is thin and distract- (*l/2 out of four) In this hand- ing. Yet, the zany craftsmanship somely-produced but painfully that the star and director Tom bleak live-action take on Carlo Shadyac display and the fantastic Collodi's classic tale, puppet-maker special effects, which include a Gepetto (Martin Landau) crafts the painstakingly meticulous makeup famous marionette out of an en- job, are worth noticing. Not only is chanted tree stump; it comes to life Murphy Sherman and Buddy, he and goes on a quest to become a also plays a Richard Simmons-ish real boy. Teen sensation Jonathan fitness guru and his own mother, Taylor Thomas supplies the voice father, grandmother and brother in of Pinocchio and is seen later on in a couple of family dinner sequences the film when the puppet's wish is that contain the best gaseous humor granted. since Blazing Saddles. The movie gets off to a good The Nutty Professor is never a start, with Pinocchio looking great smart comedy, but as lowbrow, rau- in close-ups thanks to soaring wiz- cous fun, it's a great time. Best se- Courtesy of Entertainment Weekly ardry by Jim Henson's Creature quence: Buddy avenging Sherman Courtesy of Entertainment Weekly Tom Cruise plays a man on a Shop; too bad all the other effects with a barrage of filthy "Yo mama" Star-crossed lovers Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio meet at the Capulet's costume ball in risky Mission. are from the ILM rummage sale. jokes aimed at a revoltingly snide Romeo & Juliet Most everything else here stinks, gives what may be his finest perfor- stand:up comic (David Chapelle) with the '90s revisionist working mance, getting us worked up to un- who jabbed at the professor's size. Romeo: Much Ado About Nothing pretty clunky, especially when the cover the conspiracy along with As a side note of interest, Jerry magic cricket Pepe (voiced by Ethan. They're two masters in film- Lewis co-produced this remake of The Bard Gets Almost-Bad With a Glittery '90s Reworking David Doyle) spouts wisecracks making and what they do here is his own 1963 film. about Pine-Sol, etc. slam-bang magic. Jamie Peck First of all, the mood Romeo & eras. Last fall, Ian McKellan's Rich- A few of the early segments are The screenplay by David Koepp Retriever Weekly Staff Writer Juliet establishes is often confusing. ard III took place in a Fascist '30s spottily nice, but the movie never and Robert Towne (from a story by Up until they meet at the party, the Germany, and it worked fine. But that quite comes to the life it promises. Koepp and Steven Zallian) is smart, If you think William Shake- movie seems like a self-indulgent movie knew where it was going and The Adventures of Pinocchio is best riveting and complex, and two speare 's Romeo & Juliet (** out of parody. What else can be said when what it was trying to be. This one for undemanding children who breathtaking sequences — a train ride four), director Baz Luhrmann's way Mercutio (Harold Perrineau) dons does not. aren't disturbed that all the bad little finale and a heist where Cruise hangs updated take on the classic tale, is go- drag to perform a disco number, com- I also think that if I wasn't famil- boys on Pleasure Island turn into silently from the ceiling —. are dem- ing to be straight-laced Bard, the plete with background Chippendale iar with the story, I wouldn't have a jackasses, which is, by the way, onstrations of what all action set exactly what you'll feel like for pieces should be. Mission is impos- opening scenes are really going to dancers? Up until then, Romeo is good idea of what was going on. The Courtesy of Entertainment Weekly wasting $3.35 on a rental fee. sibly good, and arguably last disarm you. It's at a gas station with bleeding all over the place. But some- movie's soundtrack pulsates so Spy's Leslie Nielsen sister summer's best popcorn movie. camera angles worthy of MTV. The thing suddenly happens when the loudly that it becomes quite hard to acts with Nicolette Sheridan. whole sequence is inter-cut with star-crossed lovers first lay eyes on understand the speakers. The gunfire goofy freeze-frame character intro- each other. and screeching,cars make the actors The Nutty Professor (•••) Spy Hard (* 1/2) Leslie Nielsen ductions straight out of a 1970s cop It begins through an aquarium scream their lines occasionally — not People came back to theaters to wit- has got to be considered one of show. filled with tropical fish. They ex- a good thing. The group of girls with ness Eddie Murphy strut his come- America's finest funny men, as We're not in Kansas anymore, Nor change gentle, flirty glances, and then,, the teeny-tiny backpacks in front of dic stuff as Sherman Klump, an what he does in these movie spoofs are we in Italy. The movie's action she is dragged off to join the actiofp>. me looked really confused. But. well, overweight college professor plagued is very difficult; but flicks like these takes place in a sun-dappled Verona at the party. Romeo follows, and spies you know. with self-esteem problems. After sur- make you wish he'd reprise his role Beach. The Montagues and Capulets Juliet dancing with another. More Good performers are needed to prisingly attracting the affection of a in the much smarter Zucker- are now rival punk-crime families goo-goo eyes, and momentarily, convey the passion that draw Romeo teacher called Miss Purty (adorable Abrams-Zucker Naked Gun films. complete with dueling skyscrapers they're indulging in a rapturous and Juliet together, and Danes'and Jada Pinkett), he tests a serum on Somehow, he sustains a high that bear their names. The first half- make-out session inside an elevator. DiCaprio are more than capable of himself that has caused his lab ani- amount of watch-ability no matter hour of the film unfolds with quick- The whole scene is scored beautifully this task. Only half the rest of the cast mals to lose weight. It works on him, how banal things get. cut close-ups, fast camera whirls and by Desree's "Kissing You," and un- works: Paul Rudd (he was Alicia In this mediocre farce, he plays Dick Steele (ha-ha), Agent WD-40, loud explosions. This isn't just like everything so far, it fits perfectly. Silverstone's stepbrother in Clueless) Courtesy of Entertainment Weekly Shakespeare for the '90s, it's This leads up to the legendary bal- is nicely aloof as Parris and John an ex-Secret Serviceman called Jim Henson's puppetry gives back into actidn (a la In the Line of Shakespeare for the attention-deficit- cony scene, which, in this version, Leguizamo harbors a nasty edge as Pinocchio life. disorder inflicted. takes place in a swimming pool. The Tybalt; those who make up Romeo's Fire) when an old enemy (Andy Romeo Montague (Leonardo movie soars during these bookends, entourage are allowed to play dumb Mission: Impossible (****) Griffith ... of Mayberry) thought to DiCaprio) and Juliet Capulet (Claire outdoing by far the insufficient open- a little too much. Following one seriously botched be dead, resurfaces and hatches a Danes) are on opposite sides of a long ing with luminous, lush shots of the My advice: Double the evening mission in Prague, Impossible Mis- plan to conquer the world. The film struggle sparked by their parents. two leads in steamy clinches. But just ticket fee and buy the soundtrack in- sions Force agent Ethan Hunt (a su- parodies don't succeed on the large Montagues hate Capulets and vice as things begin to get great, the film stead—it features great songs by Gar- premely energetic Tom Cruise) part, but the Home Alone and Pulp versa. That is, until the two young reverts back into the silly mish-mash bage, Everclear, One Inch Punch and must confront the fact that within Fiction jabs are fun, and there's people meet at a costume ball thrown of the first half-hour. From then on, the afore-mentioned Desree track. his group lies a traitor. Not know- quite a kick to seeing nttns firing by Juliet's family. You probably it flip-flops, and the result is an oft- Besides, we all know that if Romeo ing what to trust or who to turn to, machine guns in the take on Sister know the rest of the story, so I'll spare perplexing narrative drive. and Juliet were alive today, they and he assembles a crack team of dis- Act. you further plot developments. In- For the record, I have no problem their warring families would be on a avowed IMF agents and heads off But there's nothing much to these stead, I'll just go ahead and tell you with putting Shakespeare's words Ricki Lake episode titled, "I Love to Langley, Virginia, to steal a top- spoofs, and when Spy Hard isn't what's wrong with this execution. into the mouths of people in other My Man, But His Clan Gotta Go!" secret list of information from CIA making fun of popular movies, it headquarters.