Election Byrnes —Peter-john down. things those shutting of way a has Nature Mother planet, the rape corporations if because warming global in believe doesn’t ! We poll local comics for their best PRAY TELL Our reporter attempts to decode Mitt election jokes. Romney by visiting this important Mormon temple in Nauvoo, Illinois. ! Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan so he could have someone on the ticket more controversial than a Mormon: a Packers fan. Packers a Mormon: a than controversial more ticket the on someone have could he so Ryan Paul selected Romney Mitt —Tim Slagle A little Mitt country A poor person in Mitt Romney’s family tree? A trip to a seminal Mormon ! Some people are never going to get used to the fact that we’re now we’re that fact to the used to get going never are people Some colony gives context to the inscrutable presidential candidate. By Jake Malooley Photographs by Andrew Nawrocki he most persistent refrain of the 2012 In a last-ditch attempt to better understand the gleaming limestone temple atop a hill. In 1841, election has been a question: Who is GOP nominee, I light out to where the Romney Mitt’s great-great grandparents, Miles Romney Willard “Mitt” Romney? Columnists story begins: some 270 miles southwest of and Elizabeth Gaskell, among the earliest all over the political spectrum have Chicago, in Nauvoo, Illinois. Once Mormonism’s converts to Mormonism, arrived in Nauvoo Tcalled the Republican torchbearer everything principal settlement, today the tiny town stands as from England. But just as the city was from a robot to a human cipher. “Mustering up a sacred tourist destination and the ultimate beginning to flower, Smith was fatally shot by outrage over [Romney’s] nothingness,” Steve historical example of anti-Mormon sentiment— an angry mob. The Romneys and the rest of the Erickson wrote in The American Prospect, with Romney’s ancestors on the receiving end. Saints fled to what would become Utah. “makes as much sense as mustering up In 1839, having been pushed out of New York, The Saints made their voyage in covered outrage over a galactic black hole.” At points, Ohio and Missouri by adversaries, Mormonism wagons, but I head to Nauvoo in a rented GOP-red the former leader of the Boston stake of the founder Joseph Smith led his followers to a sedan. Passing towns with more livestock than Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has swampy Illinois territory, christened it Nauvoo people, the five-hour drive is, as some have said of seemed unwilling to so much as utter the (pronounced “NAW-voo”), a Hebrew word for Romney’s performance on the stump, about as word Mormon. “beautiful place,” and got to work building a inspiring as a cornhusk with great hair. being governed by a black guy living in public housing.—Will Durst ! Q: What does Ann Romney wear to get her husband turned on? A: A pink slip.—Kevin McKillip ! I saw a guy holding a sign 20 TIMEOUTCHICAGO.COM November 1–14, 2012 401.ft.election.nauvoo.layout.indd 20 10/25/12 3:40 PM Election —Emily Galati —Emily Michael —Drew ! ! The GOP GOP The 20. January on starting lease a find to difficult really it’s Plus, sucks. moving much how know I President. incumbent an for vote to tend I tab. LAUGH OF MITT’S LEGIT Nauvoo resident THE PARTY Fred Coté, More comics pictured next to share election jokes at his home, insists timeoutchicago.com/ Romney is a features. “compassionate person.” Arriving in “Historic Nauvoo,” as the area of the century pioneer equivalent of Mitt’s six houses? Wes Fields, a small-business owner from Kansas original settlement is known today, I find a “Oh, no,” Madsen says. “These are tiny portions” City leading a group of adolescent Mormon boys Disneyland for Mormons. The City Hall of land. As tough as it is to fathom that anything out of the Nauvoo Temple, finally rebuilt in 2002 administrator has no data on how many of the less than well-to-do ever grew on the Romney after being destroyed by an 1848 arson and an residents are LDS, but nearly every person I meet family tree, it’s true: Mitt’s ancestors were poor. 1850 tornado. “But people want to know about practices the faith. The acreage is dotted with brick In this year’s The Real Romney (Harper, Romney, and he hasn’t done a very good job of buildings that approximate the Saints’ quaint life: $27.99), authors Michael Kranish and Scott explaining who he is.” a brickyard, a print shop, the former homes of Helman describe the hardship Romney’s A few blocks away, a MITT ROMNEY FOR else’s someone on round the put he’d because Obama pick I’d case, the that’s If with. beer a have could they President a want People ! church notables like Brigham Young. Tours are great-great grandparents (and his great- PRESIDENT sign the size of a mattress is staked in given in an oxen-pulled wagon. Six nights a week, grandfather, then three) faced the yard of Fred Coté, a Mormon year round, the town elders mount musical revue after Nauvoo’s disintegration: Romney Nauvoo resident of 25 years. In Rendezvous in Old Nauvoo, their stab at a “They became part of a wayward hasn’t done a 1984, the year Mitt started Bain “ —Joe Kwaczala humorous play about their faith. band, moving from camp to Capital, Coté had an encounter These sites are run almost exclusively by a camp, with few provisions and very good job with Romney. “My 12-year-old son A little Mitt country pop-eyed bunch of Mormon service missionaries many malnourished Mormons in of explaining and I were supposed to drive a who wear plain clothes, permanent smiles and need of care. It would be four who he is. school bus from New Hampshire name tags that identify them with Latter-day years before the family had ” to meet up with another group of Saint titles (e.g., sister, brother). All of them say enough money to load an ox-drawn wagon for Boy Scouts in Massachusetts,” Coté recalls. Romney has their vote because of his the westward trek.” Voters love these kinds of “There was a communication breakdown and conservative politics, not because he’s LDS. They bootstrap tales. Unfortunately for Mitt, his we were 12 hours early, so we were going to are also aggressively nice. tribe’s rags-to-riches story is inextricably tied sleep in the bus. Well, Mitt’s son was in the “It’s like something out of The Twilight to the history of Mormonism, which he knows troop, and when Mitt found out, he picked us up Zone,” a non-Mormon Nauvoo resident tells is campaign kryptonite. in his Lincoln Town Car, paid for a hotel, then me. (The person requested anonymity; in a Mormonism certainly didn’t aid the political brought us to breakfast in the morning.” town of 1,100, everyone knows everyone.) ambitions of Joseph Smith. When the self- Like similar Romney-as-white-knight accounts “[The missionaries] work so hard to project a proclaimed prophet was shot to death in nearby that surfaced during the Republican National squeaky-clean image. That perfection, there’s Carthage in 1844, he was in the midst of a Convention and the debates, the anecdote begins something about it that’s inauthentic, almost presidential run. Smith’s assassins believed he to melt Mitt’s icy veneer. But again: The subtext of robotic.” Perhaps Mitt’s mechanized persona is was a false prophet using his growing religious all these gushy stories seems to be Romney’s something ingrained in Mormon culture. power to form a theocracy. For Mormons, Smith’s absurd wealth fueling his hard-line Mormon “We don’t drink coffee, don’t smoke, so people martyrdom served as an extreme example of morality, both qualities that have proven to be the look down on us,” says Sister Madsen, a rosy- what could happen if they were too candid about candidate’s most alienating. cheeked woman who helps me comb the Land their faith, especially on the national political “He’s a compassionate person,” Coté insists, and Records Office database for details on the stage. Mitt, it seems, took note. inviting me to see things as a Nauvooian. In this Romneys. One file says Miles Sr., a carpenter, “As a basic rule within the church, we’re not place, at least, looking at Mitt Romney doesn’t owned three plots in Nauvoo. Is this the 19th- out there putting our faith in people’s faces,” says feel like staring into the void. where he’s planning a surprise birthday party for you? Now I bet you feel pretty dumb. comparing Obama to Hitler. That probably makes Democrats angry, but it’s really gotta tick off Nazis.—James Zekis ! I know Obama hasn’t closed Guantanamo, but what if I told you that’s November 1–14, 2012 TIMEOUTCHICAGO.COM 21 401.ft.election.nauvoo.layout.indd 21 10/25/12 3:41 PM.