FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME Social Work Department NEWSLETTER OCTOBER 2017 Welcome to the September newsletter of the Family Bereavement Support Programme. We hope that in reading the newsletters and being a part of the groups you will find connection with other parents, support and encouragement to help sustain you as you grieve for your child. “What can we learn from differing cultural expressions of grief, death and mourning” With the end of October/beginning of had a mixture of people – mothers and November approaching when different fathers, people new to the group and cultures and traditions typically have a others more familiar with the group. time to remember those who are no Some were recently bereaved and had not longer here or to acknowledge death in yet experienced many anniversaries and some way – All Saints Day and All Souls others had more experience with coping Day, Halloween, The Day of the Dead, with the relentless passage of time. We we decided it was an appropriate time were introduced to children whose lives to consider different cultural expressions had been very brief and others who had of grief and different ways of coping lived for varying periods. with and acknowledging death. Those in the group agreed that in mainstream, All those present in the group said they did modern Australian culture we do not not come from a culture or faith group that have any clear rituals or guides to had clear, predetermined rituals regarding provide us with a ‘roadmap’ for grief what to do when a death occurs, funerals, following the loss of someone we are or grieving. Some felt that this could be a close to and certainly not to assist with good thing as they were then free to the death of a child. We create their own rituals. wanted to explore if One parent reflected – there is anything we can “You can create your learn from other cultures own culture including and the rituals that whatever you can adapt people create in the and embrace from absence of a culturally other cultures”. Some determined ritual or people in the group had series of rituals. family members who had As in most groups we different cultural beliefs from themselves and had 1 different ideas about what happened after the hospital if she wanted to give her child death. Initially this could be a source of a bath. She said she did not want to do frustration and even anger, but after a this at the hospital, as she wanted to give while, a parent told us, she came to him his final bath at home. She was reflect on and appreciate these different therefore very distressed to find that when perspectives without feeling she had to the funeral director brought him home to adopt any of them. She said: “Culturally them after he had been embalmed, his legs we have made our own way along”. were wrapped in cellophane and they were unable to bathe him. No one had told her People in the group spoke about what that this would happen. “My child’s they did in the days immediately favourite thing to do was have a bath following their child’s passing and how and I feel horrible as he loved baths. they now felt about their decisions. One That really broke me”. Some other couple spoke of their experience with people in the group said that they also taking their child home from the hospital. would have liked to bring their child home They were asked after he had died what but either did not realise that this was an they wanted to do next. They really had option or were unable to do this for other no idea but were very clear that they reasons - “Sometimes the decision is wanted to take him home with them. taken away. My daughter had to go to “After my son died I didn’t have a the coroner and was there for 6 days. guide. If I speak of him proudly, how Those immediate decisions were taken we got him embalmed and took him away”. Another parent told us – “We home, it may be strange to some took our child for a walk in a pram people. No one had anything bad to after he died”. say about our decision to have him at home, but we were given incorrect It is not only general cultural beliefs that information and he was taken away can influence people but also beliefs earlier than we wanted”. Without a peculiar to our own family. A parent spoke clear guide, people struggled with of how her upbringing had influenced her knowing what their options were at the time her daughter died. Her mother regarding their child in the immediate was very clear that it was not a positive time following their death and what the thing to view a body due to a bad implications and details of a particular experience she had in her life and this course of action would be. Some parents belief had been transmitted to her children had regrets about their decisions during and influenced this parent at the time of this most distressing and difficult time her own child’s death – “I grew up with while others were confident that they had not being around dead people and I been able to do what was right for them regret not spending more time after and their family at the time. One parent my child died”. In the absence of clear in the group commented “It’s great that rules and in such unique circumstances one you don’t regret your decision to take parent said “At those moments you him home. I felt if I brought my child have to go with your gut”. In our home I would never have been able community today it is not common practice to give her back”. to have a body at home but in many places this is exactly what is expected and it Even when you know what you want to would be considered very strange to have do and are supported to do this, a lack of the body of your relative at a funeral comprehensive information can still lead parlour. In some cultures the family and to regrets. The mother who did bring her even the community gathers to take part in child home told us that she was asked at a vigil with the body of the person in the 2 room. In such circumstances the person this and knows it will be quite a process – is not seen as a body but as the person at least 10 weeks, but she knows this is they have been and this time is a time to an option when the time is right. Another show respect and to farewell. parent who has done some work with a funeral director told us that people ask to The most important thing for parents was have their relatives exhumed more often that they did not have regrets. It is, that most people think. As we discussed however easy to look back and feel you the attitudes of others to the decisions would have liked to do things differently grieving parents make someone said – but at the time there is so much emotion “There is no book to say what’s right and confusion that it is not always easy to or wrong”. In the absence of a clear think clearly, especially when you may not instruction book parents can doubt their know what all your options are. A father own decisions. A member of the group whose baby died suddenly told us that his said “I remember thinking, am I doing wife is Japanese. It was only when they the right thing, but now I think I did returned to Japan for her mother’s funeral it the right way”. that he realised that there are rituals associated with death and funerals that A number of cultures have some way of are not generally practiced in Australia. showing others that an individual is He wondered if there were rituals his wife grieving. This is most commonly in the would have liked to have when their baby form of wearing black or dull clothing for a died. He said “thinking about culture, I prescribed period after the death of wonder how it was for my wife”. As a someone close to you. While those in the number of people said, we often create group thought there could be some our own rituals, using what feels right at advantages to having a way of showing the time. others that you are grieving, most did not think the wearing of black was As we continued to talk the issue of appropriate. “To wear dark colours cremation or burial and what to do with goes against everything about her. the ashes when you do cremate was She was colourful and at her funeral raised. Some people had experienced colour was everywhere. I couldn’t pressure to make a decision about what to wear dark colours”. Other parents also do with their child’s ashes before they felt commented on colour at their child’s they were ready for this. One parent told funeral. us that her child was a young adolescent and was aware that he would die from his There was a feeling, however that if other cancer. He asked to be with the family. people can see that you are grieving that Another parent has her child’s ashes in a may change their expectations of you.