Tuesday Morning Quarterback Page 1 of 13 Dumbledore returns, plus cheerleaders from the future travel backward in time to save Star Trek! By Gregg Easterbrook Special to NFL.com (Aug. 10, 2004) -- Thank goodness it's about to end -- that long, lonely NFL offseason will conclude, and the nutty artificial universe of pro football resumes. Not a moment too soon! All the madness, the hype, the ill-tempered gentlemen slamming into each other, the scantily attired cheer-babes. I don't know about you, but I can't wait. In a moment, my annual review of offseason highlights -- actually, lowlights. But first, a Tuesday Morning Quarterback public-policy proposal: uniform amnesty. All NFL teams that have adopted garish new color schemes or monochrome looks, TMQ is proclaiming an amnesty. Return to your old uniforms, and no questions asked. For my money, the Bills, Bolts, Broncos, Cowboys, Falcons, Giants, Jets, Patriots, Seahawks and Titans went downhill with their uniform alterations; only the Bucs, Eagles and Rams look better in their revisionist duds than those that came before. The Cowboys: What, exactly, was wrong with preserving the look that won all those Super Bowls? The Giants: They switched to gray as an accent color, now there's a color that really pops, and made themselves the slowest-looking team in the league. The Seahawks: They look like they just fell into a pot of finger paints Tennessee: The old Oiler jerseys were sleek and glistening, the new shoulder-pads-squares thing makes Titans' players appear to be sewing mannequins escaped from a couturière. The Falcons: Their unis are now so busy, the players look like walking computer screensavers. The Broncos: Sure orange and blue was weird, but it was also bold, and if it was good enough for Floyd Little, it's good enough for me. The Bills: How could a team abandon red, white and American flag blue? Which, not to put too fine a point on it, is the single-most successful color scheme in world history. Please, NFL teams, return to your old uniforms. You can bring the new ones to the league headquarters loading dock and abandon them there. You won't have to give your names. Not only are uniforms now in constant flux -- the Bengals and Falcons seem to have new uniforms every other year -- it is astonishing to think that with 32 NFL teams, not one uses red, white and American flag blue. Jersey/A officially calls its color scheme "blue, red and white," but when I look at G-Men I see a lot of gray. Officially, the Texans' colors are "Deep Steel Blue, Battle Red and Liberty White," but the latter looks like Copy Paper White to me, and the blue is Bridge Abutment Blue. Then there is the annoying new practice of special-occasion monochrome outfits. In recent years, for individual games the Bengals and Jax have gone all-black, the Browns and Dolphins all-orange, the Falcons all-red, the Eagles and Jets all-green, and the Bills have shown a monochrome of their dismal new color, Nineteenth Century Rusting Russian Dreadnaught Aft Bulkhead Cyanic. The Ravens announced they will wear all-black on Nov. 7, when they host Cleveland. If the Browns go all-orange, it would be the Tootsie Roll Bowl. On an exclusive basis, Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned that when the Green Bay Packers host Dallas on Oct. 24, they will take the field in the NFL's first all-yellow uniform. See accompanying photo of Brett Favre modeling the Pack's tradition-smashing all-yellow look. Remember, this is a TMQ exclusive. The only hope is uniform amnesty. Please, everyone go back to how you looked in 1975 -- no questions asked! Page 1 of 355 http://www.nfl.com/features/tmq/081004 2/8/2005 Tuesday Morning Quarterback Page 2 of 13 In other football news, last night at the Hall of Fame game, Joe Gibbs became the first Canton-crowned coach to prowl the sidelines since George Halas. Fans of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons are both excited and nervous: excited because Gibbs' track record is so impressive, nervous because if he can't pull the Persons out of their tailspin, who can? Last year, when Steve Spurrier was moping on the Persons' sideline, TMQ called him Dobby the Elf, after the sniveling, miserable creature of the Harry Potter books. Gibbs will be Professor Dumbledore, after the Potter saga's all-seeing good wizard. There are many positives in Gibbs' record, but the one that jumps out is his 16-5 postseason mark. That's the best of any NFL coach in history who had at least 10 postseason appearances. Tom Landry was 20-16 in the playoffs, Don Shula 19-17, Chuck Noll 16-8, Bill Parcells 11-7, Marv Levy 11-8, Bill Walsh 10-4, Vince Lombardi 9-1. Landry and Shula must be admired for their sheer number of playoff appearances, as must Lombardi for going 10 times and losing just once. But overall, for Gibbs to make 21 playoff games and win 16 is simply spectacular -- in fact, TMQ considers it the single-greatest accomplishment by an NFL coach. And now for the annual TMQ review of offseason lowlights. At Last We Know What Kind of Martini Goes With Pancakes Vermont Spirits began marketing an "ultra premium" vodka made entirely from maple syrup. Your Code Name Is Snowman. The Exchange Will Be in the Park at Sunset. On the Microdot Will Be Plans for a New Toy Steam Locomotive With Realistic Sound. Lionel was ordered to pay $41 million for industrial espionage of -- model trains. A federal court found that Lionel stole design specifications from Mike's Train House, which makes really fabulous toy trains. Just Sell, Baby The Oakland Raiders, who finished 4-12, sold more licensed merchandise than the Super Bowl champion Patriots. They Can Be Observed in Their Native Habitat in Stadiums Scientist Katerina Harvati of New York University found evidence that Neanderthals were not the ancestors of Homo sapiens . The NFL will need to handle this discovery delicately, as Neanderthals are an important part of the fan base. Asked What He Thought of the Two-Deep Zone, Kerry Issued a Terse "No Comment" Ted Koppel interviewed John Kerry at the Pro Football Hall of Fame. TMQ was disappointed that Koppel did not ask, "If elected, will you mandate the run on third-and-short? Will you form a bipartisan consensus for an outdoor Super Bowl in a cold-weather city?" Asked Who His Favorite Football Team Is, the President Tersely Replied, "My Favorite Team Is At an Undisclosed Location" George W. Bush paid a call at the Cleveland Browns training camp. TMQ was disappointed that when Bush tossed the ball around with Browns players, quarterback Jeff Garcia didn't ask, "Um, would you block for me?" Female Fans Demand Justice in Beach Volleyball At the Olympics, all red-blooded Americans will be rooting for the barely-clothed beach volleyball aces Misty May and Kerri Walsh. But bear in mind: By Olympics tradition, May and Walsh are overdressed, since the original Olympics were held in the nude. Tuesday Morning Quarterback cannot help but observe that while the women on the beach volleyball tour perform in microscopic bikinis that could be mailed Page 2 of 355 http://www.nfl.com/features/tmq/081004 2/8/2005 Tuesday Morning Quarterback Page 3 of 13 First Class -- since they only weigh a couple ounces -- the men cavort in knee-length baggy shorts. As a traditionalist, it's fine with me that the battle of the bods is unequal so long as the women show the most, upholding tradition! But now that we're in the third millennia, is it really fair to female and nontraditional male viewers that the men don't match the women in wearing as little as legally possible? Ancient Greek sports promoters would have insisted on it. How Many Signs of the Decline of Western Civilization Can You Find in This Item? The scenic city of Soap Lake, Wash., announced a project to build a 10-story-tall lava lamp. Note: I am being charitable by assuming Soap Lake is scenic; don't sue me if you go there and it's a pit. The project announcement says, "Soap Lake has always been a healing and art community, and the lava lamp is soothing, calming, healing and an art icon." Here is a vision of the gigantic lava lamp at sunset -- sunset on a world other than Earth, apparently. Promoters hope the 1.5 million per year who visit nearby Grand Coulee Dam will detour to Soap Lake to see the gigantic lava lamp. One-and-half million tourists per year come to look at a dam? Eagles to Sell Formula for Vet Playing Surface as Tank Armor Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia was demolished. During the demolition, wrecking balls bounced off the playing surface, while jackhammers, pile drivers and dynamite had no effect. Classified Air Force technology had to be used to destroy the surface. International Mega-Babe Update China Daily described the new Miss Universe, Jennifer Hawkins of Australia, as "a statuesque 180- centimeter blonde." The London Evening Standard described tennis phenom/bombshell Maria Sharapova as "a luscious six foot, nine stone." Now TMQ daydreams of a 180-centimeter, nine-stone mega-babe! Note to NFL.com editors: have just provided a perfectly legitimate international multicultural excuse for cheesecake shots of Hawkins or Sharapova. But What Have You Done for Us Lately? Tim Brown was cut by Oakland, for whom he had caught only 1,070 passes.