Drive Around. Take Pictures. Make Money. LESSONS IN VIRTUAL TOUR PHOTOGRAPHY by Chris Bachelder To us, diversity, the right to choose, the fact that we have one thousand builders building one thousand different houses, is the most important thing. Richard Nixon, Kitchen Debate Look askance and it all shines on. Thomas McGuane, Ninety-Two in the Shade Welcome to the front lines of magic! “360 Degrees of Magic and Fun”: The Archimedes Realty Virtual Tour Photographer’s Employee Manual and Troubleshooting Guide Introduction Moving the World Imagine, friend, the affluent and net-savvy apartment-seeker as he visits the Archimedes Realty website (“We make the world move.”™) and clicks Find Your New Home! And clicks Select a Region. And clicks Southwest. And clicks Texas (East). And clicks Houston and Surrounding. And clicks Luxury. And clicks The Watlington Arms. (“When you want to get away from it all…Forever.”) And clicks the yellow VT icon for a virtual tour of the pond and the gazebo, the courtyards, the 2 BR/2 BA model apartment. Keep in mind that his keyboard is ergonomic. The home office lighting is soft and moral. His khakis are pleated. He clicks Kitchen and the kitchen spins around him, seamlessly, three- dimensionally. It’s as if he is standing in the middle and turning slowly. He says, “Honey, come here and look at this.” It’s a walk-through, plenty of counter space, all the modern amenities. In that bowl the polished and unbruised fruit is fake, designed and produced, somewhere, by real fake fruit designers and producers. He watches, fixed above the planks of fake pine. It gleams, this kitchen. You could do fake surgery in here. You could debate Khrushchev in here. He clicks Living Room. It’s real homey. Nice layout. Good flow. Great light. The entertainment system looks very entertaining, though it is fake. That big-screen TV is plastic and weighs two pounds and will forever show that picture of a very colorful sailboat, which is pretty. There, easy to miss, that fake remote control on the arm of the fake couch is a thoughtful touch. Did You Know The peace lily by the sliding glass door is stunning and not real. It is not Real peace lilies are toxic and can make altogether clear how a handsome tenant might get from the living room to your pets ill. the bedroom or to the kitchen. The carpet is pristine, virginal. He thinks the tour is filmed but it is not. It is photographed (by you, friend!) on the front lines of magic. He says, “They must film this.” Always remember that even though he won’t see any parking lots, he should not worry, there’s plenty of parking. Our sessile and affluent apartment-seeker clicks Master Bedroom and Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography by Chris Bachelder page 3 Archimedes Realty “make[s] the world move.”TM He is locked into the room and shown his new life. He says, “Nice.” Walk-in closet, full bath, a sitting area with a bay window, a writing desk, a fake quill pen and parchment WISE WORDS “Our Existential Predicament—perceived, per- paper for the composition of fake letters, of fake novels. The bedroom is haps, as ontological anxiety—is the rope by contemporary, designed for both artificial business and artificial pleasure. which we can climb out of the pit of inauthentic- ity; it is the handle by which we can grip our own On top of the comforter on the four poster imitation oak bed there is a fake beings.” —Martin Heidegger laptop and a breakfast tray and a fake newspaper with a fake twisted green rubber band around it. There is a mountain of fake pillows at the head of the bed, where a robed dandy might prop himself up and check fake stock prices. Implied people are allowed in virtual tours. There is a pair of fake slippers by the bed, there is fake representational art on the walls, familiar objects in familiar colors. He may see a duck by the spinning pond! A real duck, even, if a bit sluggish, if a bit bloated on honey nut rice cakes and sourdough heels. Note: Cranberry scones. He will not see a real person, since real persons are not allowed in virtual tours. It will not occur to our apartment-seeking viewer, thrilled as he is by both the technology and the Watlington Arms—and unable to determine where one stops and the other starts—it will not occur to him as he sweeps majestically past the chest of fake drawers that the mirror does not reflect the tour’s photographer or his tripod. This photographer is invisible, virtual. He has no reflection. He is a magician with downloaded scrolls. He knows all of the tricks. Who is Thomas McGuane? How would a tenant get to the living room from the kitchen? Describe the virtual tour as a mode of Heidegerrian Dasein. Suggest an alternate slogan for The Watlington Arms. Is the virtual tour filmed? ARCHIMEDES ASKS Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography by Chris Bachelder page 4 Lesson 1: Getting Started How to Drive to a Large Market that is Not New York You cannot begin (and end) an exciting career in virtual real estate unless and until you drive to a Large Market that is not New York. There are three important steps to Driving to a Large Market that is not New York: 1. Not Driving There 2. Driving There 3. Not Being There Yet 1. HOW TO NOT DRIVE THERE Lie in bed as the room gets dark. Listen to your neighbors. When the phone rings, don’t answer it. Let the machine get it. Wonder, as your message starts, if there is anyone you would pick up for. Decide no. On the machine an old lady’s voice should say, “Buster? This is Evelyn.” Your name, thank the Lord, is not Buster. You don’t have any older lady friends named Evelyn. Evelyn should say, “Sorry to call so late. I hope you’re not asleep. I just wanted to let you know that we’re going to pick up the cake tomorrow, so you don’t have to worry about it. And we will bring the potato salad, too, the Did You Know kind with the green olives in it. Tell Vicki hi. I’ll see you both tomorrow.” Olive cultivation can be dated to the Note: There is now one person in the universe who can save Buster a beginning of Western Civilization, long trip to the bakery tomorrow and it is you. This is not a responsibility you before the advent of virtual tour photog- raphy. asked for. Get out of bed and pick up the phone before Evelyn hangs up. Say, “Evelyn?” Evelyn should say, “Buster?” Say, “No, this isn’t Buster.” Evelyn should say, “Buster?” Say, “You have the wrong number.” Evelyn should say, “I’m trying to reach Buster.” Say, “I know, Evelyn, but Buster doesn’t reside here.” There should be a pause. There should be no beer left in the refrigerator. CLIP AND KEEP! STEP 1: Not Driving There Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography by Chris Bachelder page 5 STEP 2: Driving There STEP 3: Not Being There Yet Say, “OK? Evelyn?” Evelyn should say, “Well what is Buster’s number?” Say, “Hold on just a minute.” Turn on a lamp and take a phonebook from a drawer in the kitchen. Get back on the phone and say, “What is Buster’s last name, Evelyn?” She should say, “Cox.” Say, “Is his first name really Buster?” She should say, “It’s Raymond. He’s my nephew.” Say, “Raymond Cox.” Evelyn should say, “Oh he was such a cute boy. He’s a welder now. He’s done quite well. He’s got more work than he can handle.” Always remember to look up Raymond Cox in the phonebook and give Evelyn the number. Note: The number should not even be close to yours. Evelyn should say, “Thank you, young man.” Say, “Bye, Evelyn.” Turn off the lamp and lie back down on your bed. Try to be wry and philosophical. Try to know what to do. Try to sleep. Turn the lamp back on. Get up and start packing. Helpful Hint: Driving to a large market that is not New York can be a difficult procedure. If you fail to drive to a large market that is not New York on your first try, repeat the procedure until successful. 2. HOW TO DRIVE THERE Always remember to leave for Houston in a K Car in the middle of a late spring night. What possessions do not fit in the K Car should be placed in boxes and set out on the dark curb. There should be, in the back of a closet, an old Magic Eight Ball from your youth. Shake the Eight Ball and ask, “Should I go to Texas?” The Eight Ball should say, Very Doubtful. Start the car by turning the ignition. Engage the power train or whatever by putting WISE WORDS the car in drive (D). Ease the car out of the driveway, feel the crunch of “If we listen closely to twentieth-century writ- ers and thinkers about modernity and compare gravel, say goodbye to another town. them to those of a century ago, we will find a radical flattening of perspective and shrinkage Note: The air conditioner in the Plymouth Reliant K Car should screech of imaginative range. Our nineteenth-century sporadically, loudly. thinkers were simultaneously enthusiasts and enemies of modern life, wrestling inexhaust- Drive along the dark interstate and feel almost immediately exhausted.