DANGER MOUSE The Snowman Cometh DM-S1-E38and39 Shooting Script Written by Mark Huckerby & Nick Ostler 14th April 2015 ACT 1 1 EXT. LONDON - DAY 1 A Christmas-tastic picture-postcard snowy, London, with loud <CHRISTMAS MUSIC>. NARRATOR (V.O.) 1 Christmas in London! It’s the most 1 wonderful time of the year. Carol singers! DICKENSIAN CAROL SINGERS sing next to BIG MIKE’S PIE STORE. NARRATOR (V.O.) 2 Big Mike’s Holly and Ivy Pies! 2 A CAROL SINGER takes a bite of a pie, <YELPS> and painfully pulls a bit of spikey holly out of her mouth. NARRATOR (V.O.) 3 Snowmen! 3 The SNOWMAN, initially looking happy and still, next to a outdoor tree, like a real snowman. NARRATOR (V.O.) 4 But that’s no ordinary snowman! 4 His face twists into a sneer and he <LAUGHS> an evil laugh. NARRATOR 5 Yes, it wouldn’t be a Danger Mouse 5 Christmas special without a dastardly seasonal villain! THE SNOWMAN smashes the Christmas tree away, then glides down the road, scattering the carol singers. THE SNOWMAN 6 I AM THE SNOWMAN! Feel the awesome 6 chill of winter’s breath! The Snowman breathes on a Carol Singer’s neck. She simply wraps a scarf a little tighter. The Snowman glides away <CACKLING>. He bursts into a park where Tiny Tim is limping sadly along a path. The Snowman sprays the ground, turning it into ice. The Park now looks like a winter wonderland THE SNOWMAN (CONT’D) 7 Behold a new, icy Dawn of Terror! 7 Tiny Tim <CHEERS> and start skating. He’s not terrified. THE SNOWMAN (CONT’D) 8 That’s right, warm-skins, I shall 8 freeze you in the icy blast of- DM-S1-E38&39-THE SNOWMAN COMETH-Shooting Script-140415 2. Record scratch. NARRATOR (V.O.) 9 I’m so sorry everyone, the Snowman 9 was the only villain available. All the proper ones are busy celebrating the season of peace and goodwill. CUTAWAY - GREENBACK, LOOCIFER, QUARK, THE PRINCESS and COUNT DUCKULA are sitting around a Christmas tree. The Baron puts his arm around Loocifer. DR LOOCIFER 10 Merry Christmas, Baron. And peace 10 on Earth. BARON GREENBACK 11 What!? NEVER! 11 The villains all immediately start fighting each other. BACK TO THE ICY PARK where the Snowman is standing angrily with his twigs on his hips. THE SNOWMAN 12 I AM a real villain! Check this 12 out: Deploy SNOW BLASTERS! He stomps his feet, sending up a shower of snow which he forms into two snowballs. He throws them at the Carol Singers but misses. THE SNOWMAN (CONT’D) 13 Um... that was a warning shot. 13 A snowball hits him. THE SNOWMAN (CONT’D) 14 Ow! Who threw that? 14 Pull back to reveal the snowball thrower: DANGER MOUSE, looking unconcerned. DANGER MOUSE 15 Can we just get on with this? It is 15 Christmas Eve and we’ve got a lot to do before tomorrow. REVEAL: Penfold nearby in the Danger Car wrapping presents. PENFOLD 16 Take your time. I’m still wrapping 16 the Colonel’s present. DM-S1-E38&39-THE SNOWMAN COMETH-Shooting Script-140415 3. THE SNOWMAN 17 Silence non-carrot noses! Soon my 17 blizzard of doom will- hey, give that back! Tiny Tim has pulled out his twig arm and is using it as a crutch. TINY TIM 18 Thanks for the crutch, dummy. 18 DM stifles a <GIGGLE> and soon Big Mike, the carol singers and Tiny Tim are all <LAUGH> along as well, pointing at The Snowman who looks around, angry. THE SNOWMAN 19 How dare you diss my awesome 19 powers! Deploy panic buttons! Pop, pop, pop: the Snowman’s buttons fly off to no effect whatsoever. Everyone <LAUGHS EVEN HARDER> DANGER MOUSE 20 (sighs) Better put him out of his 20 misery... Danger Skates! Rocket Ice Skates pop out from DM’s boots and he zooms across the ice, pirouettes, flies into a triple spin and lands perfectly next to the Snowman, spins him round and throws him straight into the back seat of the Danger Car, where the automatic seat belt grips him. <APPLAUSE>. THE SNOWMAN 21 Release me, or I will destroy you! 21 PENFOLD 22 Can I borrow your twig? 22 Penfold grabs the snowman’s ‘finger’ and uses it to help him wrap the present. DM climbs into the driver’s seat. DANGER MOUSE 23 Honestly, Snowman, I just don’t 23 think you’ve got what it takes to be a super-villain. THE SNOWMAN 24 Lies! One day the world will feel 24 the power of my wintry terr- Are these seats heated? The Snowman melts as they drive off. SNOWMAN 25 I’m melting... 25 DM-S1-E38&39-THE SNOWMAN COMETH-Shooting Script-140415 4. DANGER MOUSE 26 That reminds me we need ice cubes 26 for the Christmas party. PENFOLD 27 I’ll add it to the list. 27 The Snowman is now mainly water and leaking out the door. SNOWMAN 28 I... will... have my revenge... 28 <gurgle> All that’s left is the twig, some coal and a carrot. DM turns and grabs the carrot. DANGER MOUSE 29 Add dips to the list, this’ll never 29 be enough to go round. 2 INT. DANGER HQ - NIGHT 2 Penfold is spotlit, making a heartfelt declaration to his friends. PENFOLD 30 ...and so, in summary, those are 30 the 53 reasons why I firmly believe that I should be allowed to open my presents early on Christmas Eve. Lights up on the Agency’s Christmas party. The HQ is decked out with an impressive tree, presents and tinsel. PROFESSOR SQUAWKENCLUCK 31 No chance. Anticipation is half the 31 fun. Pass me a biscuit. Penfold turns away and Squawkencluck quickly whips out a SCANNER and scans one of her presents. She sighs, resigned. PROFESSOR SQUAWKENCLUCK (CONT’D) 32 Another new hair dryer. Brilliant. 32 They know me so well. Penfold offers Squawk a plate of Christmas-tree shaped biscuits, as DM strides over with a large pile of presents to put under the tree. PENFOLD 33 Remember what we agreed, Chief. No 33 dangerous presents like last year. DANGER MOUSE 34 As if I’d forget. 34 He looks nervously at the pile of presents. He has forgotten. DM-S1-E38&39-THE SNOWMAN COMETH-Shooting Script-140415 5. 3 FLASHBACK. LAST YEAR. 3 Penfold unwraps a present and a long tentacle shoots out and wraps itself round Penfold’s neck. DANGER MOUSE 35 He likes you! Don’t make prolonged 35 eye contact. PENFOLD (V.O.) 36 And the year before that. 36 4 FLASHBACK. THE YEAR BEFORE THAT. 4 Penfold zooms through HQ out of control on a super-fast ROCKET CYCLE - <SCREAMING>. DANGER MOUSE 37 You said you wanted a bike! 37 Penfold SMASHES through the window and DM dives after him. PENFOLD (V.O.) 38 And the year before that. 38 5 FLASHBACK. THE YEAR BEFORE THAT. 5 Penfold looks nervously at a huge present - clearly a massive monster with horns and claws, wrapped up with a bow. DANGER MOUSE 39 Can you guess what it is? 39 The Present swallows Penfold whole. 6 PRESENT DAY. 6 DM, fixed smile. DANGER MOUSE 40 Absolutely no dangerous presents 40 this year, Penfold. I promise. Penfold turns and walks off. DM drops the smile and hurriedly hides the presents behind the sofa. They variously <glow>, <shake>, <growl> and <fizz>. Penfold returns with more biscuits. DM quickly hides a final <ticking> gift under a sofa cushion, and sits on it. A muffled EXPLOSION. Smoke pours out beneath him as Penfold and Squawkencluck look over and DM whistles, nonchalantly. Suddenly HQ is filled with blinding light and tinny, recorded Christmas Music. DM-S1-E38&39-THE SNOWMAN COMETH-Shooting Script-140415 6. COLONEL K (O.S.) 41 Sorry, it’s my new Christmas 41 jumper. Hang on! I’ll turn it off. COLONEL K appears, the LED flashing lights dimming on his oversized, tacky Christmas jumper. COLONEL K (CONT’D) 42 Ah, there you are DM. 42 DM rubs his eyes, focuses. DANGER MOUSE 43 Merry Christmas, Colonel. 43 COLONEL K 44 I wish it was DM! Someone has 44 threatened to KIDNAP SANTA CLAUS! ON CHRISTMAS EVE! DM recoils. DANGER MOUSE 45 <GASP> 45 Penfold hides his face. PENFOLD 46 <GASP> 46 Squawkencluck shrugs. PROFESSOR SQUAWKENCLUCK 47 Big deal. Santa’s not real. Flying 47 reindeer? Magic sleighs? Elves? Give me a break. SANTA, in hologram form, pops up next to Colonel K. PROFESSOR SQUAWKENCLUCK (CONT’D) 48 Pah! That could be anyone. 48 SANTA 49 Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Sorry 49 I can’t be there in person, but it’s the busiest night of the year here in the North Pole. Ho, ho, ho! PROFESSOR SQUAWKENCLUCK 50 I’m going to the lab. Let me know 50 when The Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot arrive. Professor Squawkencluck exits. DM-S1-E38&39-THE SNOWMAN COMETH-Shooting Script-140415 7. DANGER MOUSE 51 If you’re in danger, Santa, you’ve 51 come to the right people. We’re a highly skilled, professional team- PENFOLD 52 SANTA, SANTA, SANTA! 52 Penfold jumps up and down, sprints to embrace Santa, forgets it’s a hologram and SMACKS into a wall. DANGER MOUSE 53 Why do you think someone wants to 53 kidnap you, Mr Claus? Santa holds up a nightmarish-looking, bug-eyed dolly and pulls its cord. The dolly speaks in a disconcertingly low, gruff voice.