THESPIS THINKS _______________ a play in two acts by Tom Eubanks Tom Eubanks 8823 N. Ventura Avenue Ventura, CA 93001 805-701-7576 [email protected] Cast of Characters Davis Cotton: Coastline Theater Company (CTC) Artistic Director; an even- tempered southerner and widower of 40-50; and a man on the verge of dropping the safe life. Hillary Hampshire: CTC Associate Artistic Director; a complacently single and attractive woman of 40-45; unable to fit her work into decent companionship with the opposite sex. Miranda Warner: CTC Board member and Marketing Director; New York transplant; rowdy, rough-around-the edges woman of 40-50. Nona Waugh: CTC production assistant; a modest, good-natured and slightly over- weight woman of 35-45; her need to be loved is subordinate to her willingness to love. Ron: CTC Master Carpenter; an old-guard theater craftsman in his 50s, with an old-fashioned view of the world. Thespis of Icaria: The historical first Greek actor of the ancient Athens stage; an authoritative and opinionative risk-taker, he fully acknowledges his anachronistic presence. The play’s narrator and pathfinder. Jerry Slaate: CTC Board member; an unscrupulous businessman and opportunistic lover in his 40s; he is often the smartest, if not the least liked, man in the room. Karen Smith: Nemesis Theater Company (NTC) Board member; a well-liked, plain-spoken woman in her 40s; her feelings of inadequacy in her work have affected her ethical judgment. Brock Navarro: President of Theater Matters, an arts marketing firm, a wheeler- dealer lobbyist of 35-40; manipulative and conspiratorial, he wears his ego on his sleeve like solid-gold cufflinks and hides his purpose under a garment of deceit like dirty underwear. Beverly Hillstrom: NTC Artistic Director; a bohemian feminist in her mid- to late-50s; the woman warrior activist of the worst and rare kind–dishonest, self-serving and unable to nurture those who count on her the most. The slash ( / ) is the point where an overlap begins. That is, the actor with the next line begins speaking. 1 ACT I SETTING: Night. Coastline Theater Company’s stage. Five chairs and a long table cluttered with water bottles, pizza boxes and cookies. Perhaps in the midst of set construction. Or not. AT RISE: DAVIS, MIRANDA, HILLARY, RON, and NONA sit or stand around the table. They are all talking at once as the LIGHTS come up. DAVIS / It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! We’ll still–hey, listen! We’ll stand up to them and parlay this year’s internal changes into new beginnin’s. It doesn’t matter at this point what Stage Quest writes about us. Folks, listen–hey! Hey! Settle down, settle down! MIRANDA / There’s no question they got someone makin’ this up–it’s all lies!–trying to make us look like we’re in chaos! We’re not in chaos! Let’s fight back, kick their butt! Let’s be warriors! Throw ‘em to the lions! Yeah! LET’S GET READY TO RUM-BLLLLE! HILLARY (angrily to Ron) / Are you trying to piss me off, Ron? I’m Associate A.D., and when I say something, when I throw in my two-cents’ worth and you go, “Let’s keep the meeting in order,” that pisses me off–do you see how that could piss me off? RON (calmly to HILLARY) / Did you hear what Davis said? Yeah, right, I’m just trying to piss you off. Well, I don’t give a damn how many shows you’ve done. We’re not discussing–Hillary–Hillary. Jeez. No one can talk to you when you’re like this. NONA (going through pizza box) / What happened to our strategy meeting? Anyone want this last piece? Anybody? Hello? Why is everyone talking at the same time? Hey, everybody! (lofting pizza) Going once, going twice . ! NONA takes bite. RON One at a time! 2 NONA Cold but good! RON Stop! HILLARY Don’t tell me to stop, / you stop! DAVIS Hey, hey, hey, / please, please! MIRANDA Knock it off, / will ya? RON (triggering drill to make it whirr) Screw it! RON throws drill on table and pops cookie in mouth. NONA The alfredo chicken’s wonderful. ALL look at NONA. What. Someone wanted the last piece of pizza? MIRANDA All yours, Nona. That ain’t pizza. I know pizza. You want pizza, you go down to Carmine Street–New York City–Joe’s Pizza. That’s pizza. RON I need a cookie. HILLARY throws a cookie at him–he ducks. DAVIS Hillary, / please sit down. HILLARY He better be respectful, Davis, or I’m leaving. RON She assaulted me with an Oreo! 3 HILLARY You said you needed one! DAVIS Y’all’s gonna be respectful–okay, Ron? RON Yep. R-e-s-p-e-c-t. DAVIS gives HILLARY “satisfied?” look. HILLARY sits. NONA hands RON a cookie and starts cleaning table. HILLARY Nona. Later. NONA I’m just / cleaning up. HILLARY Nona. NONA Okay–sheesh. DAVIS (holding up papers) All right. Stage Quest. Question is . if this goes any further, will it affect the Foundation’s decision? And how do we stop it? RON It’s a dumb online e-zine, Web-zine–whatever-you-call-it. If no one reads it, who cares? MIRANDA I read it. RON You’re our Marketing Director, you have to read it. MIRANDA Whole damn theater community reads it. RON It’s fake news! 4 MIRANDA And this makes us look like we’re a bunch of bozos piling out of a Vee-dubya. RON It’s a smear! It’s gossip! MIRANDA Davis just gave ya the Reader’s Digest version, but you gotta read all of it! RON They repeat it until it’s believed to be the truth. / It’s theater politics! MIRANDA We gotta stand up to them. It’s / enough to– RON And we gotta fight fire with fire! DAVIS Gotcha point! (Beat.) But I worry. If members of the Foundation read it. Look, I’m new to the area, and I don’t know if we gotta fight back or not. I know, I’m waverin’ here and it’s not very leader-like, / but– HILLARY I think I speak for everyone when I say we like working with you Davis. Taking over as Artistic Director for Courtney is, well–Coastline Theater Company is–we’re blessed to have you here. We have nothing but respect for you. RON R-e-s-p-e-c-t. DAVIS Thank you, I ‘preciate it. MIRANDA Can we get back on the choo-choo? You know what we gotta do with this article? We gotta bag this shit and burn it on Stage Quest’s front porch, that’s what we gotta do. Damn! Google screwed up everything! DAVIS I’ve read it, but lemme read it to y’all so we’re on the same page. HILLARY Can I go back–before you read it–can I go back to my two cents’ worth? 5 NONA Whaddaya mean about Google? RON Google’s like a bird dog pointing–“over there, shoot it!” But instead of a bird, you cornered a bear! HILLARY She means you can find things you aren’t actually looking for. RON Bad things. NONA Oh. NONA checks her iPhone. HILLARY Here’s my two cents’ worth: Kenny Kobalt deserved to be ousted for being a petulant little poop. DAVIS chuckles at her characterization. HILLARY tries to keep a straight face, then waves him away from staring at her, to keep from laughing. NONA frowns. RON Read it, Davis. HILLARY (regaining her composure) Read it, please. DAVIS (reading) “Despite their award-winnin’ season last year, sources close to the Board of Directors of Coastline / Theater Company–” HILLARY See what I mean? How is Nemesis behind this when it clearly reads “sources close to the Board of Directors of Coastline Theater Company?” It’s us–it’s internal. We have a traitor on the board. MIRANDA I’m on the Board and no one on the / Board would do this! 6 HILLARY Yes, Miranda, we know you’re on the Board, / you tell us every chance you get. DAVIS Ladies, please, y’all let me finish, all right? (reading) “. Sources close to the Board of Directors of Coastline Theater Company report that Artistic Director Courtney Manchester was fired and replaced after comments she made on Facebook in June about Kobalt’s bein’ /fired–” HILLARY You know, Jerry’s been mouthin’ off about Courtney / all year– MIRANDA Hey, look. This board is committed to this theater company. Every member of the board, including Jerry. Jerry’s gung-ho for Coastline–gung-ho! HILLARY Gung-ho, my butt, Miranda! DAVIS is openly amused at HILLARY, but she waves him off and goes on: It was Jerry who wanted to dismantle our Hispanic theater program–which I fought for–and it was Jerry who openly complained about doing theater in Spanish because he thought it encouraged not learning English. Jerry Slaate’s a fake, a pseudo-intellectual. Give him a topic and he’s got an opinion, a ruling, / a principle– MIRANDA All right, Jerry’s cheeky. But Jerry’s one of the smartest guys on the board / and he wouldn’t– HILLARY He’s one of the smartest people on the planet–just ask him and he’ll tell you so! DAVIS puts hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. What’s so funny? DAVIS I’m sorry. This is serious. (Beat.) Go on. MIRANDA Jerry wouldn’t talk to Stage Quest about internal stuff like this.