Manuel Ramos da Cruz Exam # 50050600 1 Student #706793933 [email protected] 524 Unit D Greenfield Avenue Kitchener, Ontario N2C 1G2 Ontario Canada REQUIRED RETAKE INSTRUCTIONS ENG300: 500506 Comparison/Contrast Essay Student name: Manuel Ramos da Cru Student number: 70673933 Grade: 33% Date: 4/4/17 Evaluator: VGG Dear Manuel, Unfortunately, you earned a failing grade on this submission. According to the Academic Policies in the Penn Foster Student Handbook, you must prepare a retake submission. Since the goal of this course is to help you improve your writing, you will continue working with your current submission, completely revising and editing it at all levels. Merely applying the instructor’s corrections in grammar, spelling, or format will not show sufficient evidence that you have improved your skill level and therefore will not result in a change to your grade. Please carefully review all rubric, marginal, and in-text comments below for specific revision guidance. Review the textbook and assignment directions. Following are key revisions you must make to ensure a passing grade on your retake. If you do not understand how to rewrite your paper in order to accomplish these goals, please contact the school. Purpose: Compare or contrast a novel and the movie based on the novel, drawing conclusions about what effects the changes have on plot, characterization, and theme. Strong thesis: State a specific thesis in your introduction which states the novel’s title and author as well as the movie’s title and director, especially if the title of the movie differs from that of the novel. The thesis must state whether the writer is comparing or contrasting the two pieces of literature. Development: Using the thesis as the guide, prove to the reader, through research opinions, and/or personal details how the changes from book to movie affect the reader’s/viewer’s understanding of the plot, characters, and theme. A combination of all three is most helpful. Manuel Ramos da Cruz Exam # 50050600 2 Student #706793933 [email protected] 524 Unit D Greenfield Avenue Kitchener, Ontario N2C 1G2 Ontario Canada Satisfying conclusion: Provide a satisfying conclusion to close your discussion, reinforcing your thesis, and closing with a final thought. MLA Citations: Using MLA, offer internal citations and a properly formatted Works Cited page to avoid plagiarism accusations. Editing and proofreading: Read papers aloud to check for clear sentence structure and conventions. Include this set of instructions with your retake submission, or there may be a problem completing your evaluation. For electronic submissions, copy and paste just the first four lines of text (from "Required Retake" through the evaluator's initials) at the beginning of your retake document. As part of your file name, include “Retake” after your last name. Then submit your retake essay for grading. Instructor (VGG) Penn Foster College ENG300: ADVANCED COMPOSITION Comparison and Contrast: Novel and Film Skill Skill Skill Not Novel/Movie: Realized Developing Emerging Shown Thesis: Audience, Purpose, and Topic How well does the thesis establish a clearly defined, analytical focus unique to the assigned topic, purpose, and audience? There is no clear thesis present. You have several different ideas (from previous drafts and here) that could help you develop a 10 9 8 7.5 7 4 1 proper thesis for this exam. But you must choose a single thesis focus and argument you want to make, and you must state the thesis up front at the end of your (single) introduction paragraph. You must also make it clear in your intro and thesis which single book and single movie adaptation of that book you will compare and contrast. Manuel Ramos da Cruz Exam # 50050600 3 Student #706793933 [email protected] 524 Unit D Greenfield Avenue Kitchener, Ontario N2C 1G2 Ontario Canada Here are the possible thesis options from the many ideas you have present here (and had present on previous drafts). Choose and develop only ONE of these ideas as the thesis and main focus for your retake revision: 1) Argue that the book version is “darker” in theme and tone than the movie version, and make some specific argument about the effect or significance of the book being darker than he movie. 2) Argue that the book version forces readers to use more “intellectual skills” than the movie version does, and make some specific argument about the effect or significance of the book forcing readers to use more of their intellectual skills than the movie version does. 3) Argue that the movie version is much more realistic and relatable than the book version, and make some specific argument about the effect or significance of the movie version being more realistic / relatable. *No matter which argument option you choose, make sure your thesis also lists the types of differences you’ll discuss in order to prove your argument (such as plot differences, setting differences, narrative structure differences, etc.) Development How effectively does the writer present evidence that illustrates the similarities and differences between the book and the movie? You attempt to state some differences between the book and movie, but those differences are not clear and are not backed with evidence and specific examples. 30 25 20 19 17 10 3 Did the writer draw conclusions about the significance of the changes were made in the adaptation of the book to the movie? No—there is no sense of unity within your content, and you do not provide concrete examples of differences and then analyze those differences in order to prove a thesis argument. Incorporation of Source Material How logically and effectively are paraphrases, summaries, and direct quotations from varied, relevant, and reliable sources 10 9 8 7.5 7 4 2 integrated with the writer’s style for purpose and audience? Sources are included but are not used toward the purpose of the exam—to persuade the audience to believe your thesis argument. How well did the writer incorporate elements from the primary sources (the book and the movie) into the essay? 5 4.5 4 3 1 0 The essay does not include or appropriately use specific Manuel Ramos da Cruz Exam # 50050600 4 Student #706793933 [email protected] 524 Unit D Greenfield Avenue Kitchener, Ontario N2C 1G2 Ontario Canada examples from the book and movie to meet the goals of the exam. Organization How gracefully does the writer incorporate transitional words and connective phrasing with appropriate paragraphing to guide the reader through the presentation? There is no sense of organization or unity in this essay. Ideas are not unified, as you do not have a thesis. Body paragraphs do not each focus on a single point, nor are all paragraphs fully 10 9 8 7.5 7 3 2 developed. For your revision, make sure each body paragraph focuses on proving a SINGLE difference between your chosen book and movie and on analyzing how that difference proves your thesis argument. Style and Voice How energetically and consistently does the writer interact with both the topic and audience while using varied, concrete, active diction? To what extent does the writer achieve a natural, pleasant rhythm, particularly through sentence fluency? 10 9 8 7.5 7 5 0 You have improved much of your diction tremendously since your initial prewriting attempts. But there are still many places where your diction is hard to follow and makes it impossible to access your ideas. MLA Citation Did the writer accurately and correctly document at least 6 sources sources using MLA citation style, both in-text and on the list of Works Cited? 10 9 8 7.5 7 3 0 Other than one or two places where in-text citations should be included or not, you did an excellent job using MLA formatting for both your in-text citations and your Works Cited page. Terrific work in this area! Conventions At what level does the writer demonstrate correct and effective standard written American English? As noted above, there are still substantial diction issues at the sentence level that impede your ideas. There are also 10 9 8 7.5 7 5 0 punctuation, sentence-structure, and grammatical errors throughout your work. Please proofread and edit carefully before you turn in your retake revision. As you do, review Part 7 in your textbook, which provides refreshers on proper sentence structure, punctuation, grammar, etc. Manuel Ramos da Cruz Exam # 50050600 5 Student #706793933 [email protected] 524 Unit D Greenfield Avenue Kitchener, Ontario N2C 1G2 Ontario Canada Format and Length Did the paper meet the required length (1,800-2,000 words) and 5 4.5 4 3 1 0 formatting requirements? Exam grade: 33% Date of evaluation: 4/4/17 Evaluated by: VGG IMPORTANT NOTICE Along the right-hand side of your evaluated exam, you should see marginal or "bubble" comments from your instructor. You should also see a series of highlighted numbers in the evaluation chart identifying the rating you earned on each trait. If you don't see this feedback, click on the "View" tab and "Print Layout" or click on "Review" and the option "Final Showing Markup." If you still cannot see the feedback, please contact the school for the complete evaluation. Nothing Lasts Forever Roderick Thorpe is a novelist, most of his written work focused specifically in the Crime Commented [VGG1]: This is not a full and appropriate introduction. This intro does not lead into your topic, tell genre. In addition to his writing, he also spent some time lecturing and exploring creative readers what this essay will be about, nor state your thesis. An intro should normally be a single, 5-7 sentences paragraph. Please review Chapter 7’s section on “Writing writing.