Movie Analysis 'Hn: Void:, For Students, ByStiiAente 11 By le Snarty Libertarian (.)h Kirsten Dunst. you had a promising THIS is also Venom: Andrew, Garfield: Spidcmian. He's as recogntji^ble as Bat^ cart er. a child actress you were honestly ni;y; v ithout the gadgets); tli0 iisrtoriety of quite giftt?fl: Jumanji, Interview with the ■>! siiel without that whole ice cave of Vampire iheSv- were good films that while liN.ithok"--. 'Shift)' eyes* Re\ ie\v time! taking fh«mselves seriously still managed to inc<}rpOratt' heart and a degree of humor Spiderman 1, within tiiem. Banderas as Armand stole the show and truly did convey Anne Rice's vi­ Spiderman 2, sion ef romanticized vampirism perfectly, THIS is not Venom: and left tliat sparkly garbage at the door. Spiderman 3 .Maryf Jane Watson...1 do not solely put the blame onto Dunst for this Mary Jane should ' 'ii director Sani Raimi. You were on top n|ver fiick. ,oun€sj^ of en.w^p«cfe».orx . i'thc lo'A budget subculture prior to filming Itls onFtMng to take creamv l)ctnse.i.ii^h Dude looks B.e a leer*, n*'"’ Instead o f being ttie stereotypical geeky thi' I'rtH-ious stinft bomb o f a trilogy. And a franchise, but it is a totally different ani- ounesyof coUkkrxom '*> yn lop of thif low tjudgct subculture,*^ 1 mal to alienate one's target demo- kid in high sch ^ l, Garfield plays th:« more ■ course am referring to you being the Gran j^raphfc entirely: naniely tlie fans of the com­ Why would Raimi believe such a scrawny realistic. Parker is a skateboarder who has a i hi’h Poobah of nerds. ics. chump like Topher Grac^»|^(siid play^ne jj||Wiingly uoraquiied crush op (wait Sc." itj... No. I'm for serial. Rami's got the crown Civven Stacy, iParkgr's first love of the most recogni^^e, beloved afli^l^i ijwen Stacy!! Finalfy!! •ind evervthmg. WAAAAAAAY before the redheaded al­ :ifoimd requestedjjsHains o f all time? V% * Emma Stone plays this Gwen Stacy s. Soooooo how dot^ Rami go from be- batross found its way around his neck, was Diessl. even .M.irt Wahlburg would Jiai-e bit different..-Alright, totally dUTerent than iiij; the reason Bruce Campbell, (who is in nailed superbly by not only Bryce Howard niade a better ^n om than TG. Venom is Bryce Howard did. Instead o f f i n g Pretty .'Vi;ry Rami film) is relevant by ushering in in numero tres ^yes, Opie's S3d) but Emma like eight feet u® and built like a tank. He Girl Stereotype #431, she has w identity. tho nichi> culture of the Evil Dead trilogy, to Stone u^ ^azing Spide^ also. is NOT five ft^t nothing and built like lin- She is not the fcap^Cdamsel in dSstress ei­ filmin;: not one, not two but three. .THRHE Why i,s this a pi'oblem\Gwen Stacy was guine. ‘ V V ■* ther. She is an mtelKgent, tesourcefiM. tovim® low budget TV shows based loosely aroun^ KILLED by the Goblin in ^ e comics and Now, if Raimi wanted to, THIS is Car­ and devoted woman wfio (though imsnenseh ' .Greek mythology ancf lifvso doing being the cartoon. Yes, w'ay to screw the pooch on that nage: terrified of the Liisar^fSoes her best to s t ^ placed Xena) fotie Raimi and put a dead girl in your third staying in is reljSvaMt i'telatively «:peak)nji). to filming film after Dafoe Dafoe'd his last as Goblin THRFE of the most inane, inaccurate; plod­ and seppuku'd hirnsel^jikith tots own glider, ding. stupid superhero films to ever plague w hen that sam^Dafoe shotiiS have been the Ctirt C o«*m (Lizard) is a MUCH m»ne the silver ‘-creen? Well, let's ask ourselves: one to end her life. Telatable and sympathetic 'villain' than Cjob- one Ilf these things is not like the other, so' f)h yeah, SPOli^jil^ Oops. Couneryof p«i ’ lin, Ock, Sancfenan. Hobby or Venom. Instead wAiich is it? Is this nitpicking'’^'o. No^t isn't. This is ‘ o f be'mg driven by hatreJ or,.e\il because Oh wait, thal'^ right: low budget direc- common Spiderman know ledge that the fan- Notice tli^sfee differential. C l^ s Cas- ' the plot says .so he is driven to find s m i- •oi, unfamiliar with the realm of blockbuster basofwho went to see thi|fe films DID pick sidy (the man in ^ e suit) is scraw^^ Eddie tagen that will grow back his niis'irig ,»rm. filnib gi\en full reign to do as ht saw fit to up on. ' • Brock (Venom) il%ot. Quite the diSfetence. This is no! a man bent on globa! cc-no.kra or ■ lie first, muhimillion dollar Spiderman film. "There is creative li.^ se and then there is Any w ay, movie ra^mero dos now . killing because argle feigle bargle. This is a Only y;iK)d will come from this! being so inept at knowing who comes where Doc Ock, .Alfred Molina, could not man who wishes to change the wofki im­ words why this series is abysmally in the comic time line that perhiips creating been more perfectly c«st. He was the b esf. plementing an inter-species giT>\\^' .atrocious Tobey. Maguire. If Elijah Wgod a film about that vefy comic character is not cast of any of the villains in the series. WTiici^ 'K<5»tracted from a lizard. He's not ev>L idit is .-.lid .Macaulay Culkin had a loye child, it the best of options. Nor was including the brings me to Hany Osbc^e. the classic mad scientist merely mis- " .luld be this guy His wide-oyed. pieiting Sandman.„the Sandnian in the third film. Why Janies Franco? O f ANYONE to por­ :d. And he looks like David <.7anadlac Tt bores into your soul aj^ that tyrd eating Metallica this character ain't. tray Paxker's best firiend ^at is a 1 EEN Fran­ iUBUL jir^n reeks of self satisf^i^tion. He can say a prayer but we forget him, co looks even less like a teen than Maguire ih-. - Just like.„{lmage of Culkin and Wood son. does' At least Maguire c » rock the babyface thrust into an atomizer and their features Oh yeah, the Biii^o: N31. BINGOI! and make it believable. Ff.mco.,iso. just no. morphed into one api>eais).,.Ugggghh, never Nothing against Thomas HadeivChurch You're not Hobgoblin material. mind. for his portrayal of this character, E.\cept one This is the Hobgoblin: Now, while Maguire may not be a down­ thing ..WHY HIM?! Church was squandered right horrendous actor, the roles he consis­ in this CG-laden, lack of a story piol' that tently finds? himself In lends the question:^ was the trainwreck of Spiderman 3. He went Have no shame, man? I from a good film like Sideways to this...It ??pidaTn;in 1-3: Tobey. you're just too old^ causes one to wonder if he lost a bet with Paul Giamatti when he signed on for this Pleasantv ille: .lustj^zarre... i TWiesy o f bnvfnewtfljf Jl >txom Fear and Loathing in Lsj Vegas: (Takes role. ^ i^ ile Thji Amaring S^ntennan may sirr- breath) Actually, this one isi|gute good, but O f all o f the Spiderman rouges gallery, M lpais Rainj^lihn in pl>^ri» acctiracy tc- only because .lohiuiy Depp portrt^a cokej why Sandman'’ What, was Kingpin too dig­ comioj^^flliavmg M a^i Sheen »s out nutcase nified for a film that has Parker taking dantie B e n iS P w>t Iran, I can see aft Maguii« is honestly a fairly decent Spjder- moves from the Beegecs while a perpetual Owrtesv o f en.w ikipediajjrf w buff would other ihre«- man...lf SpiJermatt were a 25-year-old play­ Lmkiii Pa! k collection is playing in his head. V excftiog and with pfcn- ing make believe that he is 16. CTawiingJin his skin that symbiote wa,s, but This is f'^T Hobby: us tha «w <|u«isbte and A e Nov,'. Le;'s plaj|'Spiderman Bingo'! Fori they even got Venom wrong. n K S & id r a w s A e exact those new p the game, place a chip cxery,; Oh. sure the black suit was ovemil fine, U : SB »i> LibeiSJBWm aad wne the plot could, be resolved in 10 second^ except for that whole part about m>t es«f tie afeaW rip * or there is stane pointles.s cameo firom a guyS ting on a DEAD woman. that owes 5iam Raitni money, or Willem D.i- Why Topher Grace as Venom? Vi'a.s A-sfe- lo.'just decides to,i)hcw tlirough sccnci-y like ton kutcher busy that weekend with l-*unkd? .1 rabid dog. OkiesLet's start. What other fhat 70’s Show cast you ivant to I’aiker gels bhl|i|by a radioactive spider; bring in, Raimi? May be Milj kanis to pi*r- IC5 tray Black Cat or Laura Prepon to be Ma­ Bruce C'ampt>ell makes hi.s oblig:itory dame Web. cameo, as he promptly does in every single First of all. THIS is Venom: Covass<^ ,s||? piccc of Raimi's work ,&om the beginning of , lliev liniLV .asa wtestling annouiKer'.’: 110 Note iv) Rumi Ihs- .K-Uouw.' i Macho Man Randy Savage is uiili/ed w.ttu fhe:r l^ck properly, shock, and promptly cuts a ITie .^nuu'ing Sf5idcra:„.ti.