Top 10 Relationship Movies Of All Time Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks www.hendricks.com When we give talks and seminars, we often illustrate the points we’re making with clips from our favorite movies. People have frequently asked us to make a list of our favorite relationship movies. This task proved harder than it sounds, because there are so many wonderful movies to choose from. After working on it for a while, we decided to do a Top 10 list first, then add more later. First, how did we choose the movies? Our criteria combined artistic merit with the ability of the movie to shed light on the inner workings of relationships, and how to maximize their potential. In addition, all the movies we selected share that elusive quality known as heart. We’ve watched hundreds of movies during the nearly 30 years we’ve been together. These are the ones that moved us deeply as works of art and inspired us to recommend them as teaching-tools at seminars and professional conferences. Any Top 10 list is arguable, subjective and highly debatable. If you’re a relationship-movie enthusiast, we look forward to hearing about what your favorites are. Please send your nominations to us at [email protected]. Here’s the list, followed by short write-ups about why each movie was chosen and what you might learn from it. 1. Moonstruck 2. The Holiday 3. The January Man 4. Truly, Madly, Deeply 5. Monsoon Wedding 6. Love Actually 7. Tootsie 8. All Of Me 9. Jillian’s Vantage 10. A Cool, Dry Place Moonstruck This masterpiece has many things to recommend it, but if we were going to pick just one thing it would be the tour-de- force speech about victimhood and responsibility that Nicholas Cage gives in the basement of the bakery. Everyone interested in relationships should watch this scene (we’ve probably watched it 100+ times.) It’s not only brilliant acting but also shows exactly how people can get trapped in a painful moment in the past that causes them to adopt a view of themselves as victims and reject love that’s being offered to them in the present. Also, the ending scene around the dinner table is ensemble acting at its exquisite best. The Holiday What a treasure! Nancy Meyers wrote, directed and produced this warm-hearted miracle of a movie. It’s got a lot of useful wisdom in it about how to get unstuck from past relationships so you can be present in the moment to give and receive love. Kate Winslet and Jude Law give luminous performances. Pay particularly close attention to Kate Winslet’s tirade toward the end when she’s finally closing the door on her boyfriend, the quintessential handsome cad she’s been putting up with for ‘way too long. If you’ve ever been lied to by someone who’s says they love you, you’ll laugh and wince and learn a lot at she gives him his come-uppance. The January Man This overlooked gem is a thriller that we recommend primarily because of one brilliant scene. It takes place toward the beginning, so if you don’t like the thriller aspects of the movie you can skip the rest. Watch closely the scene between Kevin Kline and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in the restaurant at the ice-skating rink. It has one of the best examples ever of how to speak honestly in relationships. If people could learn to talk to each other like this, there would be far fewer problems in relationships. Truly, Madly, Deeply This heartful drama, directed by Anthony Minghella, is one of the most beautiful movies we’ve ever seen. It not only has magical performances from Juliet Stevenson and Alan Rickman, it also teaches powerful healing-lessons about how to come to terms with loss and grief. One high moment of the movie comes when the characters quote a poem from Pablo Neruda. Just thinking of that moment brings tears to our eyes. Monsoon Wedding This comedy/drama, directed by Mira Nair, is a loving look at the complexities of an Indian culture in which arranged marriages often match partners whose hearts belong to others. But this wise movie speaks to a universal problem: when you withhold a truth from your partner, you pull back from the relationship and project your own fears and fantasies onto the other person. The film shows a beautiful example of how to resolve this problem through authentic emotional expression. When the truth is finally spoken, the betrothed partners find a depth in each other (and themselves) that had gone unseen before. Love Actually Oh, how do we count the joys of this multi-faceted heart-fest? First, you get to feast your eyes and ears on some of the greatest actors of our time: Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman and Colin Firth. Second, there is a wildly funny turn by Bill Nighy, an aging rock star who makes an improbable promise he ultimately must make good on. Third, the movie touches on themes that everyone has confronted at one time or another: the challenges of communication, forgiveness after a betrayal, the healing power of love, even the transformation of a feisty secretary (nicknamed “Plumpy” by her father) into a Prime Minster’s consort. Full of good old-fashioned cheer, this movie is a good one to watch during the holiday season. Tootsie In our opinion, the most perfect comic screenplay ever written. Then, when you add Dustin Hoffman’s performance, one of the greatest in the history of film, you have a movie for the ages. The primary relationship-wisdom explored in the movie is the search for authenticity. It captures brilliantly the struggle for authenticity that happens in every close relationship. Each of us is wrapped in layers of persona, the masks we wear to get through the rigors of childhood and adolescence. When love emerges and takes us on its eternal journey, the masks are revealed as what they are: covers for the inner conflicts we fear and the inner magnificence we deeply seek to express. If we remove the masks, we set about the task of resolving our inner conflicts and expressing our true potential. If we choose to cling to our masks, fearing what lies beneath, we continue to obscure our true identity and rob ourselves of the ability to make our creative contribution to the world. Tootsie’s got all that in it, plus some of the funniest, wisest dialogue ever written. All Of Me The Buddha taught a crucial piece of relationship wisdom that’s brought to life in this comedy classic: each of us must integrate the masculine and feminine elements within us to be fully enlightened. The story is that, due to bizarre circumstances, half of Steve Martin’s body is occupied by the spirit of a wealthy rage-aholic (played to mean-spirited perfection by Lily Tomlin.) This leads to many complications, many of which come to life in Steve Martin’s inspired body- language throughout the movie. The relationship wisdom you gain from the movie is important, even life-changing: until we become one with all parts of ourselves, we cannot be fully present for the one we love. Jillian’s Vantage One of the greatest short films ever made, this movie was in the first collection sent out by The Spiritual Cinema Circle, www.spiritualcinemacircle.com. Made by a gifted filmmaker named Geno Andrews, Jillian’s Vantage brings together a man and a woman who are dealing with their life-challenges in very different ways. This movie’s “reveal,” the Ah-Ha! Moment, is one of the most satisfying we’ve ever seen. From a relationship perspective, Jillian’s Vantage touches on a crucial issue we all face in relationship, how to come to terms with the flaws we perceive in ourselves. The movie shows us, with great sensitivity and wisdom, how to shift our view of those flaws, and by doing so, heal them. A Cool, Dry Place This is one of the best movies ever made about the realities of commitment. The characters in this movie reveal complex layers and committed lives. We love it that the dad lives out the job loss and child-care issues that usually appear in the woman’s role. We love it that the characters are intelligent and that we can learn something about deep bonding from a film that is so entertaining. We also love seeing a soft, caring relationship between a father and son. Vince Vaughn gives a stunning performance here, the best work we’ve seen from him. ©2008 The Hendricks Institute, Inc. www.hendricks.com .