News | Issue 1 2 EDITORIAL Boomers Are Upset About Something By Charlie O’Mannin Buying drinks in a bar is like artificial insemination. environments, people tend to buy cheap alco- instrumental in closing down some of the most It’ll cost more than your entire student loan and hol at liquor stores and get wasted on the street iconic student bars back in yesteryear, with you’ll end up being disappointed. and at house parties, which are absolutely not the Uni buying up a lot of them for prices no safe and regulated environments. one else could compete with just to shut them Last week the media latched onto OUSA point- down and turn them into study centres (shout- ing out that buying alcohol in a bar costs too Look, it’s not as though making bar prices lower out my main boi, the Marsh Study Centre). The much. The ODT ran the inflammatory headline is flooding the market with cheap alcohol. I can rationale was that closing down bars would end “Students call for cheaper alcohol,” which was already go and get dirt cheap alcohol. It’s not student drinking. Except of course it didn’t. republished by the New Zealand Herald and going to taste nice, and there’s a good chance Radio New Zealand. it’s going to be a goon, but at least I can still pay Honestly I don’t really care that everyone in the rent afterwards. media jumped on what happened to be kind of Stuff ran a long story ripping into OUSA, bring- a throw-away point by OUSA, taking up only a ing on experts left, right and centre to discredit All lowering bar prices does is move people few minutes of their half-hour submission to the the idea, including Nicky Jackson, Director of indoors to safe environments where if they DCC. So the media ran divisive and misleading Alcohol Healthwatch, who said that the idea pass out someone’s going to notice and take stories for clicks. What’s new? It’s what makes would contribute “to significant death in our care of them and not leave them in the gutter. people read the media; it’s how they’re still alive. country". Fuck off Nicky. Providing a safe space for people to drink was the whole rationale behind OUSA buying Start- We’ve got to remember that just because a OUSA’s proposal wasn’t to make all booze ers in the first place, and it’s good to see them bunch of boomers are pissed off at something, cheaper so people can get pissed more (hon- still pushing the issue. doesn’t mean it’s wrong. estly, Critic also supports this), what they said was that because people can’t afford to The boomers in the Uni and the DCC are drink in bars, which are safe and regulated a real part of the problem here. Both were News | Issue 1 heinous things? The latest that I’ve heard is LETTER OF you’ve started a nudist club! I guarantee this wouldn’t have happened if you grew up in a THE WEEK proper household! I’m writing this from my school email I firmly believe that Critic needs to reevaluate address so my mum doesn’t see me itself. Pull your bootstraps up, and take a firm writing it on the computer at home. I stance. University is for learning, not ‘Moaning- plan to delete it from my sent box, so ful Confessions’ or ‘Pokemon Go’s’. You should please don’t reply or tell my school. be preaching discipline, honour, and diligence. I hope that you consider how your actions affect I’m a student at King’s whose parents our community as a whole. are very strict on internet regulations. I do not own my own laptop, and the wifi Please email letters to at home blocks any ‘adult’ websites. As [email protected] a result my wank bank is limited to my Letter of the week wins a $30 voucher from Dear Critic biology textbook, and the memory of University Book Shop! that one time I kissed a girl on school The art for the Pokemon Go article this week is camp. so incredibly lovely!! It's so cute and colourful and I love it. I can't wait to put it on my wall :) I would like to thank you for your sexy LETTERS TO THE confession stories. Every monday on the Thank you! way home from school I duck into the EDITOR university and rip out the moaningful confessions page, then fold it up really Alright ‘Charlie’, Mr. ‘Critic Editor’, I’ve gosh really good and slip it in my wallet so my darn well had it. Dear Critic, mum won’t find it. It has provided me with many satisfying orgasms. Your magazine in its current state is a disgust- Not to be weird or anything, but if you have time ing stain upon our city. You write about doing for one minute out of your day, google Robert The sex issue was particularly good drugs, you encourage occultism with your ghost Lawson Dunedin. He's my not-so-secret crush. too, I managed to hide a copy in my old stories and your stone chakras, not to mention Not to flex or anything, but without him Dune- maths workbook. You have taught me the time you put a v*gina on the cover. It’s dis- din would be a massive shithole (well, more so more about sex than anyone else. graceful. than it already is.) He was the architect for First church, Knox church, Larnach castle, Fortune Thanks, James _____ (please don’t pub- Did your mother never teach your respect? theatre (r.i.p) and Otago Boys high school, lish my last name) What is wrong with you? Why do you encour- amongst many, many others. Take those build- age the young people of today to do such ings away and Dunedin would fade into the sad 4 News | Issue 1 THE CRITIC TEAM southern landscape to join the likes of Inver- inept at formatting (only occasionally though) ISSUE 11 cargill or Gore. Justice is demanded for Robert cooler than salient Lawson, a true Dunedin hero. What a fucking EDITORIAL good cunt (I don't know if you can say that Yours sincerely, EDITOR Charlie O’Mannin word in print, but if you can, say it for Robert.) Critic NEWS EDITOR Esme Hall FEATURES EDITOR Chelle Fitzgerald Love, CULTURE EDITOR Henessey Griffiths Lawson Lovin' SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart Hey Critic CHIEF REPORTER Sinead Gill STAFF WRITERS Did you know that ENG323 Fantasy and the Caroline Moratti, Erin Gourley, Nina Minogue, Owen Clarke An Ode to Kickons Imagination has Harry Potter and the Phi- losopher’s stone as a set text? What kind of CONTRIBUTORS Wyatt Ryder, Kelly Stitely, Ceri Giddens, Kick sick joke is this? This scrub level ‘novel’ has James Joblin, Oscar Francis, Joel “Chirp- Kick Ons no business as a 300 level text. Please send up” MacManus Kick Ons Kicking one of your top investigative journalists over CENTREFOLD: Kick Ons Kicking Off to the Department of English and Linguistics Dushanka Govender Neigh to blow this scam wide open, stat. I'm a little horsey DESIGN NEIGH Thanks, DESIGNER Jack Adank I can't feel my legs Yours sincerely, Oscar the Grouch. ILLUSTRATORS Saskia Ruston-Green, Asia Martusia Put me out of my misery PHOTOGRAPHER Aiman Amerul Muner With dissociative anaesthetics FRONT COVER Asia Martusia & Saskia Ruston-Green, can we petition the university to stop putting PRODUCTION in some stanky hand soap in all the dispensers around campus because I can smell my hands ONLINE Alex McKirdy DISTRIBUTION Rosie Sullivan Dear Critic from my keyboard as I write this and honestly that smell is now associated with skid-marked === The Coalition Government’s decision to drop toilets in central library and is giving me a the CGT policy is a damn shame. Not only headache. Pls Otago Uni give us some scent ADVERTISING SALES Tim Couch does it prove that a racist boomer is pulling the free soap for all those with sensitive noses Jared Anglesey strings, it also makes the whole ‘transforma- Peter Ramsay [email protected] tive government’ thing a bit of a joke. I got an - at least I wash my hands x Phone: 03 479 5361 eviction letter the day after it was announced so now me and my flatties all have to find a CONNECT new place to live in second semester. Oh, but Read Online I’m sure it’s just a co-incidence, and Labour Critic.co.nz, Issuu.com/critic_Te_Arohi is actually playing an extremely complicat- ed-yet-sure-to-be-effective game of 5D chess GET IN TOUCH [email protected] to reduce wealth inequalities and ensure well- Facebook/CriticTeArohi being is foregrounded over profits for investors. Tweet/CriticTeArohi 03 479 5335 P.O.Box 1436, Dunedin Thanks for nothing Jacinda. Yours sincerely, Pissed Off. Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Disclaimer: the views presented within this publi- NOTICES cation do not necessarily represent the views of Dear Critic. the Editor, PMDL, or OUSA. Referendum: 28-30 May 2019 online: NZ Media Council: People with a complaint Cruel to ODT voting.ousa.org. against a magazine should first complain in writ- ruthless editorial policy /risqué ing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the NZ Media Council. insecure (IDK probably) Remember to vote and go into the Complaints should be addressed to typical example of exceptional student journalism draw for vouchers the Secretary, [email protected].