Waiting 1 The University of Alberta Press rona altrows & julie sedivy Editors WaitingAn Anthology of Essays Published by A volume in the Robert Kroetsch Series. The University of Alberta Press Cover image: Alex Pinna, waiting for, Ring House 2 2015. Patinated bronze and iron, 11 x 42 x Edmonton, Alberta, Canada T6G 2E1 52 cm. Used by permission. www.uap.ualberta.ca All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be produced, stored Copyright © 2018 The University of in a retrieval system, or transmitted in Alberta Press any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without prior written library and archives canada consent. Contact the University of cataloguing in publication Alberta Press for further details. Waiting (Edmonton, Alta.) The University of Alberta Press supports Waiting : an anthology of essays / copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, Rona Altrows & Julie Sedivy, editors. encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. (Robert Kroetsch series) Thank you for buying an authorized Issued in print and electronic formats. edition of this book and for complying isbn 978–1–77212–383–8 (softcover).— with the copyright laws by not isbn 978–1–77212–418–7 (epub).— reproducing, scanning, or distributing isbn 978–1–77212–419–4 (Kindle).— any part of it in any form without isbn 978–1–77212–420–0 (pdf) permission. You are supporting writers and allowing the University of Alberta 1. Canadian essays (English)— Press to continue to publish books for 21st century. 2. Waiting (Philosophy). every reader. I. Altrows, Rona, 1948–, editor II. Sedivy, Julie, editor III. Title. IV. Series: The University of Alberta Press gratefully Robert Kroetsch series acknowledges the support received for its publishing program from the Government ps8373.1.w35 2018 c814’.608 of Canada, the Canada Council for the c2018–902563–8 Arts, and the Government of Alberta through the Alberta Media Fund. First edition, 2018. First elecronic edition, 2018. Copyediting and proofreading by 6 7 Meaghan Craven. Book design by Alan Brownoff. For Lucy and Grace, my beacons of hope. —ra For Ian, who was—and always is—worth the wait. —js Contents Preface rona altrows & julie sedivy ix Acknowledgements xiii Burgeoning 1 | Bill of Fare susan olding 3 2 | Saturday anne lévesque 17 3 | Waiting for Now: Four Stories steven ross smith 20 4 | The Escape edythe anstey hanen 27 5 | Waiting for Alexandra glen sorestad 32 Scope 6 | The Art Hospital, the Floating Hospital, and the Burning House elizabeth haynes 41 7 | The Past Was a Small Notebook, Much Scribbled-Upon cora siré 50 8 | Beyond the Horizon julie sedivy 62 9 | Two Women Waiting rebecca danos 69 10 | Esperando patti edgar 75 11 | Currents alice major 80 Moment 12 | Letter of Intent rona altrows 93 13 | The Next Minute jane cawthorone 100 14 | Frozen lorri neilsen glenn 103 15 | Harder, But Still Not Painful robin van eck 105 16 | Alterations wendy mcgrath 118 Soul 17 | Who Will Find Me weyman chan 123 18 | in the event of stuart ian mckay 137 19 | Whisper Talk anne sorbie 141 20 | Waiting for the Impossible aritha van herk 148 21 | On the Pleasure of Waiting richard harrison 152 22 | Storage sharon butala 155 Irretrievable 23 | Heavy Weight of Silence lee kvern 171 24 | Impressions margaret macpherson 179 25 | Telling vivian hansen 183 26 | Tom Petty Just Isn’t There for You: Riffs on Waiting leslie greentree 196 Guts 27 | Wait Training samantha albert 207 28 | Waiting for a Hero jane harris 216 29 | Bones, Honey roberta rees 221 30 | Undeterred john graham-pole 242 31 | Sa Ta Na Ma kathy seifert 247 32 | We Come and We Go kelly s. thompson 253 Notes 263 Contributors 265 Preface rona altrows & julie sedivy we do it in the crib, at the airport, at the graduation ceremony, in hospice. At every stage of life, and in umpteen circumstances, we find ourselves waiting. Waiting is common to all ethnicities, all social and economic conditions. Even in our hyper-efficient age, when we are taught that every moment should be filled with the productivity of doing, we wait. At every turn, the flow of our lives is interrupted by forces outside our control. But these periods of suspended time are far from empty; what happens within them reveals and shapes us. Waiting may feel like pain or pleasure, may bring us agonizing apprehension or joyful expectancy or both. It may last for a brief but intense moment, or stretch out over lifetimes. We may wait alone, or collectively. In some languages, the word for waiting is also the word for hope. In this anthology of personal essays, thirty-two writers present their own encounters with waiting and share their lived experi- ences of this universal human phenomenon. The book is divided into six parts: Burgeoning, Scope, Moment, Soul, Irretrievable, and Guts. In Burgeoning, writers explore how travelling the path from childhood innocence to adult experience involves much standing still, whether it’s the frozen dread of a child waiting for adult events she can’t control, the bristling impatience of a teen waiting to seize the reins of her life, or the transformation of a ix young man into an artist as he reflects on the creativity that dwells in suspended time. Growing and waiting, so inextric- ably woven together, continue throughout life, as we discover from a retired teacher who continues to learn from his long-ago students. In Scope, writers grapple with the sometimes wide cultural, historic, and geographic reach of waiting. Individuals’ experi- ences of waiting are embedded within broader communities and cultures, intertwined with language, art, and politics. In these essays, waiting is a serious business and cannot be accom- plished quickly or resolved with certainty. In Moment, writers dive into the kind of waiting rooted in the here and now—on the threshold of spring, in the minutes before a grim diagnosis, in pregnancy, before an interview, at the tailor shop to pick up alterations. The essays in Soul focus on waiting as it relates to the self. A child in care yearns for family love and a sense of belonging, a writer with disabilities embraces slowness and finds his voice, an insomniac separates her private and professional personae to reflect on her life. Deep frustrations of waiting, surprising pleas- ures of waiting, discovery of what the wait has been for and how it can be moved through—all find a place in Soul. Irretrievable takes us to places of waiting and deep loss, as writers recount their feelings about the last days of a mother, the recent death of a father, the theft of a woman’s sexual agency, a traumatic rescue attempt by a daughter, the funeral of a less-than-perfect ex-husband. In Guts, we learn of acts of bravery. A writer living with chronic illness becomes a seasoned waiting-room denizen. A victimized person is surprised to learn the identity of her deliverer. A daughter supports her mother through chronic illness with careful listening, uncensored conversation, shared laughter. A terminally ill teen- ager uses her short remaining time to contribute art, humour, and love. A worrier confronts her phobias. An army spouse, x herself a veteran, awaits her beloved’s upcoming dangerous deployment. Waiting, like breathing, gives rhythmic structure to our lives. Like breathing, it is rarely written about. The writers of these essays are Zen masters who turn our attention to the details of the human experiences that take place in the in-out, in-out, in-out moments of waiting. xi Acknowledgements the idea for this book struck me while I waited for a train. My family agreed that I was on to something and have never flagged in their support of the project. I am grateful to them. In Julie Sedivy I found an editing partner with commit- ment, competence, compassion, and a great big brain. It has been a delight to work with her. Thank you, Julie. —Rona • A hunk of joyous gratitude goes to Rona Altrows for sparking the idea for this anthology and inviting me to join her in fanning its flames. It’s been a deep pleasure and privilege to work with someone of her intelligence, wit, precision, and humanity. Ian Graham, as always, granted me unlimited access to his loving support for this project, simply because I found it worth pursuing. Cafe Fresco in Calgary provided the coffee, food, sunlight, and warm human contact needed to complete my share of the work. —Julie • We are both grateful to the University of Alberta Press— in particular, Peter Midgley, Cathie Crooks, Mary Lou Roy, and Monika Igali. Thank you to Meaghan Craven for a thorough, thoughtful copyedit. Thank you to Alan Brownoff for the great design and to Alex Pinna for the stunning cover image. Huge xiii thanks to our contributors, who have made Waiting the rich and varied anthology it is. And thank you to all who submitted, even those whose work is not included in the book. xiv Burgeoning 1 Bill of Fare susan olding Appetizers Pimento-stuffed olives Celery with cream cheese Julienned carrots chilled in ice water Angels on horseback Pigs in blankets Your career begins early, before your head even clears the kitchen counter. The crystal dish your mother places in your hands feels much heavier than you expect. Pressing it to your chest, you look down at your red patent party shoes, nervous you might skid on the kitchen’s vinyl tile or trip on the lip of the living-room carpet. Music greets you, music and smoke; clinking ice cubes and the smells of mingled perfumes.