Pickles _________________________ A 10-minute play A crisis at the Christmas dinner table tests the love an aunt has for her niece. Characters: BAILEY A 20-something college student who is finally fed up with constant verbal abuse by her mother. AUNT RUTH A 40-something single woman. She, at the surface, seems like your every-day, run-of-the-mill Aunt. She’s had a life. Time: Present Place: The roof of a typical house (can just be played at the apron of a stage/blank stage) 1 SETTING: The roof of a house. AT RISE: It is evening. We hear a slight commotion coming from in the house, then BAILEY storms out onto the roof and heads straight for the edge to jump. AUNT RUTH is right behind her but stays at the window/in the house. AUNT RUTH Bailey, stop! You can’t commit suicide over a bowl of pickles! BAILEY Oh, can’t I? It’s not so crazy! John Doyle jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge because he had a toothache!! AUNT RUTH John who?! BAILEY John Doyle!!! AUNT RUTH Who is John Doyle??! BAILEY I read about him a few weeks ago! AUNT RUTH That’s what college is teaching you?!? BAILEY I didn’t read that at college—it was on tumblr! AUNT RUTH What is “tumblr”?!! BAILEY It’s a website—nevermind! The point is there are stupider reasons than I have for ending it all, so I’m ending it all!!! AUNT RUTH It’s ‘more stupid’, not ‘stupider’! BAILEY Are you joking?! Are those going to be your last words to me??! 2 AUNT RUTH No!!! Bailey, you can’t do this. She didn’t mean anything. BAILEY Why does everybody always say that? Does it matter that she doesn’t mean anything? AUNT RUTH Of course it does! Yes, it matters! BAILEY Not to me, it doesn’t! It feels the same. AUNT RUTH Stop! God, I sound like a really bad TV show here, but we can talk through this. Just talk to me. BAILEY Why? What good does it do!? I talk to you, you say, ‘Poor Bailey, you have to put up with so much’ then you go back to your house, I stay here, and it all keeps happening. AUNT RUTH But you’re in college now! Will you please at least sit so you don’t accidentally commit suicide?? BAILEY (not yet sitting, but softening) It’s still happening! I told myself when I came back for Christmas break it would all be different. College made me stronger, so I wouldn’t put up with any of her bullshit (insane crap) any more. I wasn’t going to take anything anymore. AUNT RUTH And then she yelled at you. Again. BAILEY Yes. Because I put the wrong stupid pickles on the table. Bread and butter, dill—how was I supposed to know which one she wanted? I was trying to help! AUNT RUTH I know, honey. BAILEY I put a stupid bowl of stupid pickles on the stupid table and then she rips into me like I’m the devil incarnate that she’s trying to wipe off the face of the earth. What the fuck (hell) difference does it make which pickle is on the table?? 3 AUNT RUTH It doesn’t, Bailey. Honey—it’s not really about the pickles. BAILEY Of course it’s not. (as Bailey tries to sit, she slips a little) Oh, my Lord!! AUNT RUTH Bailey!! Just sit, okay? BAILEY I am sitting! I’m trying to sit! AUNT RUTH I’m coming to save you!! AUNT RUTH steps gingerly out onto the roof, saying something continuously under her breath. BAILEY (seeing the ridiculous rescue attempt, rolls her eyes) My hero. (pause) You know, if you rescue me much slower we’ll have to pay rent up here. AUNT RUTH Ha, ha. Very funny. (continues mumbling) BAILEY What are you saying? AUNT RUTH My ‘Hail Mary’s. BAILEY Aunt Ruth, you’re not Catholic. AUNT RUTH I used to be. Used to be a card-carrying Catholic, my dear. BAILEY I think your card expired years ago. AUNT RUTH That doesn’t mean She won’t hear me. BAILEY 4 (with laughter and love in her eyes) Oh, okay. AUNT RUTH (sitting) Okay. I’m here. Whew. This is really high. I can see you’re already sitting. BAILEY Thanks for rescuing me. (AUNT RUTH waves her off. Pause) You came out here. AUNT RUTH Of course I did. BAILEY Thanks, Aunt Ruth. (BAILEY gets crumbs of bread from her pocket and starts throwing them off the roof) AUNT RUTH It’s what I do. What are you doing now? BAILEY I’m attracting birds to our back yard. Mom hates that. AUNT RUTH Bailey, you have to stop this. BAILEY Throwing bread off the roof? AUNT RUTH No. Not just that, no. Bailey, you’ve spent most of your life doing things to spite your mom. BAILEY That’s not true… AUNT RUTH Second piercings, cartilage piercing, hair coloring, tattoo, first, second, third, and fourth boyfriends. BAILEY The third wasn’t just out of spite. AUNT RUTH Bailey… 5 BAILEY Okay. AUNT RUTH I don’t know if I can get this through to you before you hurl yourself off this roof, but I’ll try. You’re doing everything you’re doing, making every life choice you’re making, to spite your mom or to do what you’re doing because it’s exactly what your mom wouldn’t do. BAILEY So? AUNT RUTH So, you’re not creating an authentic self. You’re not becoming YOU. You’re, like, a…a…negative of you. Like a photo negative—just an outline and all based on negativity and dark and shadows. You’re not making decisions based on what you WANT to do. Your decisions are reactions. Is that what you want? BAILEY I don’t believe you. AUNT RUTH Name one decision you’ve made just for you. BAILEY I bought my car. AUNT RUTH It’s red. BAILEY And? AUNT RUTH Your mom hates red cars. She told you that when you were thinking about buying it. BAILEY It’s a great car! AUNT RUTH It’s a red car you wouldn’t even have looked at if your mom didn’t hate red! BAILEY That is a bare-faced lie! AUNT RUTH 6 Why would I lie? BAILEY I don’t know! Why would you lie? Why would you defend her all these years? AUNT RUTH She’s my sister, Bailey! BAILEY So whose side are you even on here, Aunt Ruth? AUNT RUTH I don’t want to take sides!! Oh, damn it. I wish I could tell you... BAILEY Tell me what? Why you defend my horrible mother every chance you get? AUNT RUTH I’m not trying to defend anyone. I’m out here with you, Bailey! I’m out here talking to you!!! BAILEY Why??? AUNT RUTH Because I…!! BAILEY …tell her how horrible she is. Help me explain to her that she spews venom on me all the time and it hurts me! AUNT RUTH Bailey… BAILEY You won’t do it! Are you a coward? Are you weak? You pretend to be on my side, but you won’t help me! No one will help me and she won’t ever change. (starts to get up) You know what, I was right. It may be over a bowl of stupid pickles, but I’m done. AUNT RUTH Bailey, stop it! Please, I don’t know how to be strong! I don’t know which side to take or who to defend… BAILEY You’re a spineless sorry excuse for a person, Aunt Ruth! If you really cared about me, you’d choose a side because you know which side is the right side! 7 AUNT RUTH Believe me, it’s not as simple as that. I try so hard. BAILEY But you don’t try! You hear the same things I hear and you just expect me to take it! You’ve seen her sit on me and drive me into the ground time after time after time and you just let it happen!! You’ll always let it happen and so will everyone else! I’ll never get past her, never get past this…NEVER! BAILEY makes a move to jump, AUNT RUTH grabs her desperately. AUNT RUTH Please don’t!!! BAILEY Let go! Let go of me! AUNT RUTH I can’t hold on much longer! BAILEY I don’t want you to! Just let me go! I want this! AUNT RUTH Stop! Stop this right now! You can’t kill yourself over her. BAILEY Why the hell not? AUNT RUTH Because she’s not your mother! Giant pause. BAILEY What are you talking about? What did you say? AUNT RUTH I said she’s not really your mother. BAILEY She’s not my mother? AUNT RUTH 8 No. BAILEY Who is? Who is my mother? (AUNT RUTH just looks at her.) You? It’s you, isn’t it? AUNT RUTH Yes. Oh, God. I wasn’t supposed to tell you. Oh, shit (good Lord in Heaven). BAILEY You’re my…mother? AUNT RUTH I couldn’t take care of you. I didn’t have anyone…except your mom. And she was…stable. And willing…and… BAILEY Stable? AUNT RUTH Well…willing. You can’t know what it took to do that, Bailey. BAILEY For you or for her? AUNT RUTH Both? Yes, both, really.