OUT OF THE FOG Stories of recovery from London First Edition | Published by CMAUK | © 2018 © 2018 CMAUK http://www.crystalmeth.org.uk Edited and produced by London CMA Book Steering Commitee ISBN 978-1-5272-2824-5 TABLE OF CONTENTS FOREWORD ............................................................................................ 1 Are You a Crystal Meth Addict? ................................................................ 3 STORIES .................................................................................................... 5 A place I felt I belonged ......................................................................... 5 I thought I was in control ....................................................................... 6 CMA saved my life .................................................................................. 9 Brian’s Story ............................................................................................. 13 Conversations... me and my addict ....................................................... 19 Time to walk the walk ............................................................................ 21 Gradual change ........................................................................................ 25 The power of good-bye ......................................................................... 31 Brotherhood bound ................................................................................ 34 Thank you CMA! ..................................................................................... 34 Two and a B or not two and a B? - the daily question ...................... 38 At this very moment ............................................................................... 42 Grateful for my rock bottom ................................................................ 48 Being a newcomer ................................................................................... 50 Recovery has changed my life ............................................................... 53 My story ................................................................................................... 53 The best decision I have ever made ..................................................... 59 Late night storm to calm waters ........................................................... 63 I never had a problem ............................................................................ 65 Gratitude ................................................................................................... 69 My name is Goko, I’m 47. I’m a grateful crystal meth addict. ......... 72 Miracles, one day at a time ..................................................................... 76 Poetry block ............................................................................................. 81 Butterfly effect ......................................................................................... 87 A life beyond my wildest dreams .......................................................... 89 Help came in a glass pipe ....................................................................... 95 I am an addict ........................................................................................ 99 From shame to freedom ...................................................................... 102 I would die if I used or drank again ................................................... 106 Finding hope .......................................................................................... 109 APPENDICES ..................................................................................... 117 What is CMA? ....................................................................................... 119 The Twelve Steps: A plan of Action ................................................. 120 The Twelve Traditions .......................................................................... 123 I Can Stay Sober ...................................................................................... 125 FOREWORD The following pages consist of accounts by members of Crystal Meth Anonymous (CMA) in London, UK. People who through attending our meetings have found solace, support and even a pathway to a brand new life. These are stories of experi- ence, strength, dreams, hopes, daily struggles and recovery. We would like to reach out to people who can, and cannot, get to our meetings at present, including the ones in treatment centres, in cities, or remote areas where CMA is not available. We hope it reaches as many people who are suffering as possible. A Group Effort In the winter of 2012, five of us – Abramo, James, Oliver, Ruars and Victor – felt that the time had come to start CMA in London. All five of us met at Twelve Step fellowship meet- ings. All five of us identified as crystal meth addicts and all five of us felt there was something missing in how we could share and connect. Some felt we couldn’t share where our acting out took us; some felt shame for the depths to which crystal meth had taken us; some felt less comfortable with our sexuality in other rooms; some felt misunderstood when sharing about our using history, when someone suggested that there were CMA 1 meetings in the US; some had already been to CMA meetings abroad and learned about it. From a winter of setting up meetings in our living rooms we arrived at our first CMA meeting in Europe on a Wednesday in April 2013. In the years since, our membership has grown so much, thanks to the service of so many that we now have daily CMA meetings in London that host not exclusively crystal meth addicts, but also people who identify chemsex and other party drugs as part of their story. We at CMAUK do not think our disease of addiction is dif- ferent to other addictions, but we do recognise how the extra identification can be very helpful when trying to connect. We hope these stories move and inspire you as much as they do us. NB: Each story printed is personal and does not necessarily represent CMA as a whole. 2 3 4 STORIES A place I felt I belonged I guess I have always struggled with fitting in from an early age. I was too tall, not laddish enough for my age, not good at sports and too shy. Growing up I knew I was different sexually from everybody around me. I liked boys, they liked girls. I always had a hard time coming to terms with being gay and still do to an extent. I discovered ecstasy and danced my way happily through the late 80s and 90s with all my amazing new friends. An ex-boyfriend introduced me to cocaine and sex whilst high, which I loved. The boyfriend came and went, other boyfriends came and went, and my relationship with drugs and sex became more and more intense as time passed by. Whilst having a threeway with my then boyfriend I was introduced to crystal meth. This sent my relationship with sex and drugs into freefall. I could not stop using and would use for days on end, trying to hold down everything which was dear to me, which I had worked incredibly hard to get in my life – my home, my career, relationships with my family, my reputation and my friends. I lost all of them as time passed by. I have had many rock bottoms and have always managed to pull my- self up from the depths of loss and despair, only to be dragged back down to an even more desperate and lonely place than I was before. 5 I discovered CMA after one of these such times. The rooms were a place I felt I belonged and wasn’t judged, a place where I could sit with other men who had experienced the loss and chaos that addic- tion to sex on crystal meth had taken on them too. I am working the programme and have an amazing sponsor to who I owe my life. His faith in me, and the life that I can have and deserve free of addiction, astounds me. When most people had turned their backs on me, my sponsor was the one who guided and led me back on to the path of recovery. I can now see a life totally free from crystal meth and the dreadful places it took me to. I know that this is possible with recovery and the guidance that I receive from my sponsor and the other intelli- gent, sensitive and struggling souls like myself in the rooms. And that the life I deserve and so desperately want is within reach, as long as I keep recovery in my life. - Joseph R. I thought I was in control I always thought I was in control, but I came to my first CMA meet- ing broken, scared and alone. I’d used chems and sex all my adult life. Life was a party at first, but somewhere along the way I’d found myself unable to have sex without chems. In the end I was no longer having sex, I was using compulsively and unable to control it. Life seemed pretty hopeless. I lived a double life for many years. I threw myself into work from an early age. I later learned I had used work to escape from difficult feelings. At the end of the week I escaped further into a secret world of chemsex. Over the course of twenty years of using, friends and family became distant, many abandoned me altogether. My be- haviour, often out of control, put me in all sorts of crazy and some- times dangerous situations that caused shame, guilt and resentment. Ten years ago I discovered crystal meth and that’s where the trouble 6 really began. I lost control gradually, using more and more, caring about myself less and less. It had the power to cover up all of my negative feelings and magnify some of my worst behaviour. I over- dosed so many times that one London hospital printed off a list of all my admissions to A&E to try and give me a wake up call. I kept using