6 LOVE iStock.com/PeskyMonkey Do not copy, post, or distribute Copyright ©2017 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. From birth to death, love is not just the LEARNING OBJECTIVES focus of human experience but also the 6.1 Identify various definitions of love and discuss three life force of the mind, determining our key theories that categorize types of love. moods, stabilizing our bodily rhythms, 6.2 Discuss the cultural and and changing the structure of our historical trends around the conceptualization of love. brains. The body’s physiology ensures 6.3 Explain the basic biochemistry underlying that relationships determine and fix our love relationships over time. identities. Love makes us who we are, 6.4 Discuss the interpersonal and social contexts of love and who we can become. and related therapeutic procedures for improving —Lewis, Amini, & Lannon (2000), p. viii love relationships. WHAT IS LOVE? 6.1 Identify various definitions of love and discuss three key theories that categorize types of love. While most of us have felt something we think is “love,” it is difficult to put into words exactly what that feeling is. Shaver, Morgan, and Wu (1996) define love as a physiological reaction that engenders proximity- seeking behavior. Singer (1987) describes love as a search for friendship, beauty, and spiritual connection. Love tends to include a strong sense of attachment to another person and can involve both extremely pleasurable and intensely painful experiences. When we love another person, it’s like jumping off the high dive into a pool. Love involves risk taking. We risk getting hurt for the thrill of something like flying head first through the air. While most of this chapter will focus on romantic or passionate love (usually involving sexual and amorous partners), it will also explore the strong feelings of love we develop for our parents, friends, and children. Scientists have not yet developed an agreed-upon definition of the Doconcept of notlove. Baumeister copy, and Leary (1995) discusspost, that love may beor distribute a process that provides evolutionary advantages because seeking com- munion with others increases one’s own chance of survival. For now, let’s define love as the subjective feeling of emotional connection with Master the content. another person, often accompanied by intense desire to be near, care edge.sagepub.com/howem&f2e for, protect, or share one’s life with that person. Copyright ©2017 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. 212 Chapter 6 PASSIONATE/ROMANTIC LOVE VERSUS COMPANIONATE LOVE Love: The subjective Long-term romantic relationships often start out pretty differently from where they end feeling of emotional up. When we first choose a mate, we are often obsessed with thoughts of that person. connection with We can talk for hours without sleep or food. We can make love for longer and more another person, often accompanied by intense often than usual. We ignore the bad things about that person and think about our future desire to be near, care together as perfect or fairytale-like. This initial stage of a relationship is characterized by for, protect, or share passion and romance. We often feel as if we are not living in reality, like we are floating one’s life with that person. or dreaming when we’re with our new love. This experience is referred to as romantic/ passionate love. Romantic/passionate love: A type of love When people have been together for a long period of time, say for many years, how- that usually exists with ever, they tend to experience companionate love (Berscheid & Walster, 1978). This type newer relationships, of love is one of affiliation, deep respect, and a “best friendship.” The two people enjoy where sexual excitement and intrusive thoughts of spending time together and feel comfortable being exactly who they really are. While the person are common. passion and romance may not be completely absent from companionate relationships, they are usually less intense and occur less often than in the beginning of the relationship. However, research sug- gests that passion is one of the strongest predictors of rela- tionship satisfaction (Contreras, Hendrick, & Hendrick, 1996). Thus, long-term couples may have to work extra hard to rekindle their passion by scheduling intimate dates, going out of town to hotels, or celebrating anniver- saries and birthdays away from the mundane happenings © iStockphoto.com/PeopleImages of their everyday lives. But don’t feel sorry for people in the throes of companionate love. They are usually quite happy. As people get older and build their lives together, passion and sex may become less essential for maintaining the relationship but those things still carry some impor- tance for most couples. Erik Erikson argued that the key developmental task one needs to accomplish in early adulthood is the skill of intimacy with others. He defined true intimacy as being vulnerable and open and being able to share yourself with another person without losing your own identity. Those who lack the skills or experiences of intimacy often feel isolated and, according to Erikson, can leave early adult- hood feeling a sense of meaninglessness as they enter middle age (Erikson, 1961). Thus, it appears that love, attachment, intimacy, and emotional connection with others are important for both our psychological health Do not copy, andpost, the survival of ouror species. distribute ■ PHOTO 6.1 Companionate Love. Although the need for love affects us all, it’s extremely difficult to define. Many What are the researchers have developed various typologies to attempt to pinpoint the key elements key elements of involved with love. Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory, Lee’s styles of love, and Aron and companionate love? Aron’s self-expansion theory are the best known. Copyright ©2017 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. Love 213 STERNBERG’S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE Robert Sternberg (1986; Sternberg & Barnes, 1988) laid out a triangular theory of love. In this view, love contains three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment, each of which Sternberg considers essential to love. Relationships can be characterized as high or low on each component. Passion includes constant thoughts about the person, Families Today strong desire to be near him or her, and sexual excitement. Intimacy refers to sharing Defining Love one’s thoughts and feelings, as well and being vulnerable enough to reveal one’s true self. © SAGE Publications Commitment means that a couple has decided to forego all other liaisons and live in union with one person. They are strongly committed to the welfare of their partner and view Companionate love: life as a shared journey. Whether a relationship has relatively high or low levels of these A type of love that components determines which type of love they are experiencing. Relationships that are usually exists in long- term relationships where high on passion but low on intimacy and commitment are called infatuation. Infatuated sexual passion may have couples have a strong physical attraction and are often together but they don’t open up to declined but intimacy, share their secrets and they don’t decide to stop seeing other people to build a life together. commitment, and a sense of security are high. Relationships that are high on commitment and low on intimacy and passion are called empty love. Empty couples are monogamous and do not seek to dissolve the relationship Intimacy: The ability to be completely open but they don’t share very much with each other and are not physically intimate. Those and honest with another who are new to a relationship and have great passion and intimacy but have not yet made person, merging lives a commitment are in the grip of romantic love. Romantic couples enjoy spending a lot together without losing one’s own identity. of time together and may talk all night on the phone when apart, sharing all of their hopes and dreams. They have a fulfilling sexual life but have not progressed to building a Triangular theory of love: One typology committed monogamous life together. A relationship that contains all three components of love characterized (high intimacy, commitment, and passion) is most likely to be successful, and is considered by three parts: consummate love. Consummate couples enjoy doing things together, feel sexual attraction passion, intimacy, and commitment. to each other, share hopes, dreams, and secrets with each other, and they do all they can to stay committed and build a secure life with each other. To see the various combinations of Consummate love: In Sternberg’s Triarchic intimacy, commitment, and passion and the resulting types of love, see Table 6.1. Theory of love, the type of love that consists of ■ TABLE 6.1 Sternberg’s Types of Love passion, intimacy, and commitment. Intimacy Passion Commitment Nonlove − − − Liking + − − Infatuated love − + − Empty love − − + Families Today Romantic love + + − Love at First Sight Companionate love + − + © SAGE Publications DoFatuous lovenot copy,− post,+ or + distribute Consummate love + + + NOTE: + means present; – means absent. SOURCE: Sternberg, 1986. Copyright ©2017 by SAGE Publications, Inc. This work may not be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means without express written permission of the publisher. 214 Chapter 6 Sternberg emphasized that relationship partners can have compatible triangular ele- ments or incompatible ones. If one person wants consummate love but another just wants romantic love, this can breed problems.