2 NICKY DRAYDEN TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION: Delightfully Twisted Tales Collection Also by Nicky Drayden THE PREY OF GODS TEMPER TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION 3 TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION: Delightfully Twisted Tales Collection NICKY DRAYDEN 4 NICKY DRAYDEN TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION: Delightfully Twisted Tales Collection by Nicky Drayden PUBLISHED BY: Nicky Drayden Twisted Beyond Recognition: Delightfully Twisted Tales Collection Copyright © 2016 by Nicky Drayden All rights reserved. Robot Photograph by Sebastian Lund, Creative Commons Firedancer photograph by Taro Taylor, Creative Commons Doorknocker photograph by Dominic Alves, Creative Commons Mushroom photograph by Lindsay Dee Bunny, Creative Commons Zombie Doll Photograph by Keng Susumpow, Creative Commons Fuzzle Photograph by JD Hancock, Creative Commons TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION 5 Table of Contents Volume One: Close Encounters of the Worst Kind...................... 9 WINNING STREAK................................................................. 10 MEMORIES AND ALL THAT............................................... 18 THE PUDDING MASTER AND I ........................................ 23 WRATH OF THE PORCELAIN GODS .............................. 30 Volume Two: Fire, Fangs and Brimstone ..................................... 35 WITH GOOD INTENTIONS ................................................ 36 FORGOTTEN PRAYERS ....................................................... 39 HELLHOUND RESCUE ......................................................... 44 BLUE MOON ............................................................................. 46 Volume Three: The Weirdos Next Door ..................................... 56 EXTREME PIRATES ............................................................... 57 BURT'S HOME HYDROPONICS ......................................... 60 POST: APOCALYPTIC ............................................................ 67 A PEACH FARMER'S PREDICAMENT (or HOW STELLAR GOT HIS GROVE BACK) .......................................... 69 Volume Four: Wisps, Spells and Faerie Tales .............................. 83 LOW-CARB CHEESECAKE .................................................. 84 WIZARD FIGHT ON SIXTH STREET ............................... 88 UP IN SMOKE ........................................................................... 90 JACK AND THE STEAMSTALK .......................................... 92 Volume Five: Love and Other Filthy Habits ............................. 111 YOU HAD ME AT RARRRGG ............................................ 112 6 NICKY DRAYDEN MOTHER TENTACLE .......................................................... 117 NO MORE GOLD STARS .................................................... 119 TIME'S JEWEL ......................................................................... 123 Volume Six: Family Antimatters .................................................. 145 EQUILIBRIUMS ...................................................................... 146 CHILD HOUSE ........................................................................ 151 ANTIMATTER IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND ................... 156 Volume Seven: The Wide, Wide World of Weird .................... 168 OF IN-LAWS AND CLOSE ENCOUNTERS .................. 169 THE LAST PHARMACIST .................................................... 177 THE AUBERGINE WOK ..................................................... 182 THE UNDYING FANS OF AN UNKNOWN COVER BAND ................................................................................................. 192 LILITOL THE CURMUDGEON ........................................ 194 DOUBLE RATIONS ............................................................... 201 THE MYSTERIES WITHIN ................................................. 207 SEED MONEY ......................................................................... 232 WELCOME HOME ................................................................ 238 A STITCH IN SPACE-TIME ................................................. 241 NAYANI .................................................................................... 248 SKINNY JEANS OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE..... 266 Volume Eight: The Worst of Both Worlds ................................ 273 OUR DRUNKEN TJENG ..................................................... 274 BIPEDAL ................................................................................... 283 THE ATMOSPHERE MAN .................................................. 291 TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION 7 BREVA ....................................................................................... 304 Volume Nine: The Future of Future Planning .......................... 336 PRACTICAL COLLEGE MAJORS IN A ROBOT- DOMINATED SOCIETY .............................................................. 337 AN UNPARALLELED REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY .............................................................................. 340 UNNATURAL FAMILY PLANNING ................................ 344 INVESTMENT STRATEGIES IN A POST- APOCALYPTIC WORLD .............................................................. 348 PLANNING FOR YOUR RE-RETIREMENT ................. 352 EARTH'S DESTRUCTION, A CROWDFUNDING CAMPAIGN ...................................................................................... 355 8 NICKY DRAYDEN TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION 9 Volume One: Close Encounters of the Worst Kind 10 NICKY DRAYDEN WINNING STREAK BY NICKY DRAYDEN First Published by Daily Science Fiction, 2010 Seven security gargoyles stare at me from atop the elaborate sandstone columns lining the casino's walls. Their sharp eyes and oversized talons flex ever so slightly in anticipation of snatching up cheaters like unsuspecting prey. They've moved closer since I first sat down at this slot machine, the only place in the casino that hadn't had line-of-sight thanks to a fortunate arrangement of overgrown palm fronds and the gritty haze from a gaggle of feathered Gwiffahs smoking silvawax from a hookah. But the gargoyles have been swarming to my location ever since my machine passed 87,000 kalax, its blinking lights and wailing sirens announcing my winnings to the entire casino. TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION 11 The pit boss watches me too, now, and for good reason. I'm an Ittari after all, a shapeshifter, just as they'd identified me with the DNA scan when I'd entered this fine establishment. Traleel Az, their biometric readouts had said, and along with my name and race, they'd listed half a dozen details – birthdate, gender, height, mass, skin color, eye color – all inaccurate and irrelevant to my kind. As I redouble my winnings, the management must really be sweating. They tempt me with free drinks and tickets to an impressive buffet featuring delicacies from every corner of the Cascade. They'll do anything to knock me out of this winning streak. "I don't drink," I tell the waitress, a Krellian girl with silver skin and a prehensile tail holding a cocktail that looks strong enough to peel the paint off the hull of my space cruiser. "I don't eat either, actually." Not humanoid food anyway. They'll have to do better than that to stop me. I pull the lever on my slot machine again and watch the symbols fall into a line – three Bulouvian cherries, all in a row. Jackpot. Now I stand at 415,000 kalax. When I hit 1.2 million kalax, the pit boss comes down to congratulate me himself, a six-footed Crawvite, a smile on his long equine face. But he can't stop his nervousness from showing as his hooves clack apprehensively on the casino's slick granite floor. "I'd like to offer you a three-night stay in our penthouse suite," the pit boss says, shaking his luxurious 12 NICKY DRAYDEN mane in an obvious boast. The suites here are renowned across the Southern Cascade, not a single amenity overlooked. "Why don't you get a little rest, then come back to the floor when you're refreshed?" I smile back at him. "No thanks," I say. "I'm sort of on a roll here. And besides, Ittari don't need sleep. I just hope your casino has enough money in the vault to cash my voucher." And with that, I pull the lever, and what do you know, another jackpot. I can't lose! The gargoyles flock to my machine, dozens of them, heads cocked, eyes sparking like struck flint, muscles tensing beneath stone. But they only suspect. The crowd behind me cheers me on, eighty or so witnesses that make any illicit means of prying me from this seat pretty much out of the question. Losing thousands of kalax is one thing, but having a reputation for strong- arming patrons would be even more damaging to the casino in the long run. Nevertheless, three consecutive jackpots later, I'm being scanned and poked, prodded and searched. "He's a no-good, dirty shapeshifter!" the pit boss says to the disconcerted crowd, as if that would get them on his side. They gasp at his words, and I roll my eyes ... I mean literally pop them out-of-socket and into the palm of my hand. I close them into my fist, and when I reopen it, they're a pair of dice. I give them a shake, then toss them into the crowd. My audience shuffles out of the way as the dice tumble across the floor, then finally skid to a stop. TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION 13 "Lucky seven!" an old Gwiffah biddy clucks. She's so excited that her yellow feathers molt all over the place, and she can barely keep her wingtips from shaking as she scoops the dice up for a souvenir. They won't be much of a souvenir once she's on her way home, though – just a small puddle of oily, black goo when the dice leave the range of the coalescence