Fire in Our Eyes, Flowers in Our Hearts Tantric Women Tell Their Stories Fire in Our Eyes, Flowers in Our Hearts Tantric Women Tell Their Stories Edited by Jennifer Jayanti Fitzgerald & Marcus Bussey Published by Gurukula Press PO Box 879, Maleny, Queensland, 4552, Australia gkpress@gurukul.edu © Marcus Bussey 2007 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by information storage or retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the pub- lisher or editor. National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Fire in our eyes, flowers in our hearts : Tantric women tell their stories. 1st ed. ISBN (PDF) 978-0-646- 46969-0. ISBN (hardcopy) 978-0-646-47102-0. 1. Ananda Marga (Organization). 2. Feminist spirituality – Social aspects. 3. Women in Tantric Buddhism – Australia. I. Fitzgerald, Jennifer Jayanti. II. Bussey, Marcus. 294.3442 Cover design by Victor and Chiara Bussey. Title page and cover (‘Shakti’) artwork by Marjorie Bussey. Art within text by Alison Bussey. Back cover image by Premasargar (http://premasagar.com), ‘At The Feet of an Ancient Master’ (Roshnii meditating in an old Bombacaceae tree in Bangalore, India). Ordering information: www.futuresevocative.com In this Book Acknowledgements ix Preface x Jayanti’s preface xiv How to read this book xvii PROLOGUE ‘Turn and Face the Light’ by Jennifer Jayanti Fitzgerald 3 PART ONE: Finding Our Way I ‘My Path Finds Me’ by Gaotamii Pfeiffer 9 II ‘Love is the Answer’ by Didi Ananda Giitimainjusa 16 III ‘My Spiritual Journey Unfolds’ by Didi Ananda Laghima 25 IV ‘Homeward Bound!’ by Didi Ananda Ragamaya 33 V ‘The Mirror at the Crossroads’ by Didi Ananda Devapriya 43 v In this book VI ‘From Heaven to Hell and Beyond’ by Ivana Milojević 65 VII ‘Nothing that Comes to You is Negative’ by Rukminii Athans 75 VIII ‘The Green Glass Ring’ by Kaoverii Weber 82 PART TWO: Facing Our Challenges IX ‘Life is Beautiful’ by Didi Ananda Ujjvala 95 X ‘Beyond Miracles’ by Jennifer Jayanti Fitzgerald 103 XI ‘An Island of Gold’ by Maniisha Yamaoka 120 XII ‘My Last Moment with My Mother’ by Asha Brown 128 XIII ‘My Five Miracles’ by Jody Wright 132 XIV ‘A Tantric Birth’ by Anjali Natarajan 139 XV ‘Didi Ananda Sukriti’s Dreams’ by Didi Ananda Sukriti 150 XVI ‘Hearing the Truth’ by Margaret Rathwell 154 XVII ‘Sweet Dawn: Birthing into Wholeness’ by Kamala Alister 165 vi In this book XVIII ‘A Flower has Grown from the Tear that God Shed on the Desert of this World’ by Didi Ananda Devamala 172 XIX ‘My Experiences in Congo’ by Didi Ananda Bhaktidhara 189 XX ‘Sweet Gympie’ by Didi Ananda Mainjusa 197 XXI ‘Tantric Struggles: On a Roller Coaster Towards Heaven’ by Didi Ananda Udaya 202 XXII ‘Didi Ananda Kalika: A Life of Service’ by Kate Kazony 209 PART THREE: Feeling Our Love XXIII ‘World Without Walls’ by Didi Ananda Gaorii 219 XXIV ‘The Road to Heaven’ by Didi Ananda Arpan’a’ 226 XXV ‘Through the Eyes of a Child’ by Didi Ananda Prajina Paramita 232 XXVI ‘Darkness Before Dawn’ by Sundarii Earles 238 XXVII ‘Did You Hear Me?’ by Didi Ananda Kaomudi 245 XXVIII ‘Tantric Reflections’ by Didi Ananda Nivedita 255 vii In this book XXIX ‘The Fire of Spirituality’ by Didi Ananda Rama 262 XXX ‘On Being Loved by Lord Shrii Shrii Anandamurtijii’ by Garda Gayatrii Ghista 268 EPILOGUE ‘Into The Fire’ by Jennifer Jayanti Fitzgerald 287 References 291 Glossary 293 viii Acknowledgements Creating a book is like lighting a karmic match. Conceived of nine years ago, this book became a tapestry of promise and passion as people’s stories criss-crossed throughout it. Specific people stand out however, notably: Kamala Alister and Gaotamii Pfeiffer, who both believed in the book from the beginning and helped in so many ways to see it to fruition; Didi Ananda Gaorii, who gently reminded me over the years and who proofread the entire text in various incarnations; the Ananda Palli Master Unit, who were so inspired by the project that they helped fund the publishing; my family members Victor, Marjorie and Chiara Bussey, who worked on the cover; my wife Alison, who provided illustrations for the sections; and Eve Wit- ney, who pored over the text and brought consistency to the voice. Of course the book would be nothing without the women whose stories bring it to life. Many thanks to all the contributors. Finally, and most significantly, there are two who need special recognition. To Jennifer Jayanti Fitzgerald, whose story this book revolves around, we owe our collective thanks. To the Guru, Shrii Shrii Anandamurti, Baba, whose life and presence inspired the stories told here, let us pre- sent in gratitude the garland of inspiration that we draw from these words. ix Preface This book began nine years ago when my wife Jayanti was struggling with breast cancer. She had been reading Bud- dhist Women on the Edge (edited by Marianne Dresser, 1996) and was struck by the intellectual nature of the stories. Her experience of spirituality was very different. For her, spiri- tuality was intensely personal and revolved around an intimate relationship with her Divine guru, Baba. She was ultimately a bhakta yogi, one who approaches the Divine as lover, intimate friend and confidant. She could be a jinana yogi, one who finds the Divine through the use of intellect. She could also be a karma yogi, one who achieves Divinity through physical action. But essentially she was a bhakta: one bound in a romantic rela- tionship with Divinity. This romance was a passionate dance that was filled with struggle and personal conflict as she strove to overcome the impediments of her own body’s illness and of her ambivalent relationship with the world. She felt everything intensely: the injustices suffered by the powerless, the injuries inflicted on body and soul by the structures of the world (patriarchy, institutionalism, na- tionalism) and the difficulty of balancing family life, work and her own spiritual drive. So as she sat, crossed-legged on the lounge room floor, and talked with me about her dissatisfaction with the book x Preface she was reading, we decided it would be good to create a book that drew on the Tantric tradition she knew and lived. A book that was built around the unique experiences of women on the spiritual path of Ananda Marga. Once con- ceived, the idea gripped her with immense force and she pursued it until the pain and force of her illness brought her work on the book to an end in the months before she died in September 2000. She left a collection of stories from women from all over the world. So the task lay unfinished. After one year I took up the pieces and, following her guidelines, shaped them into three sections. I then looked around for other women to work on the text. I felt that as a man it was not appropriate for me to drive the project forward. This was women’s business. Many offered to help but the project stalled before again falling into a deep slumber. Dreams are a recurring theme in this book, generally heralding a significant insight or transformation within the dreamer. So it is fitting that the first dream recounted here should involve Jayanti herself. She came to me in a dream and asked how the editing was going! I awoke immedi- ately, aware that it was now my job. Other factors also converged to make it clear that I had missed a significant point: I had been with Jayanti when the project was first conceptualised and now it was up to me to complete it. Gender had nothing to do with it. This was a personal service to her memory and to the work of all those who contributed to the text while Jayanti was alive. If there is a law of the universe it must include change and the challenge and struggle that accompanies change. Without meaning, struggle and suffering appear as random xi Preface events. For a Tantrika, one who practices tantric meditation, all experience is rich in meaning. Experience is woven into the fabric of life as a conversation with the Divine, as a process that builds depth into all we do and cements a relationship with the Divine, the Beloved that becomes the essence of who we are. For Jayanti, her struggle with cancer was one such quest for meaning. Two of her poems which appear in this book were written in the months leading up to her death, as she watched the inevitable approach. In these poems, the per- sonal is burnt away, shrivelled by an eternal now that cannot be escaped. She was patient and dignified to the very end, clinging desperately to her two sons (Ajit who was 13 and Krishna who was 10) and all those she loved, but fiercely shifting her love from the possessive tense to a more expansive expression of gratitude and surrender – the eternal tense. She marked the following passage in one of Baba’s books (Subhasita Samgraha Part 1, 1992: p.78): Do you love your son? No, no, you don’t love your son. You love Brahma in the form of your son. By loving your son as a son, you cannot love the Lord. Where there is the feel- ing of son, there is no Lord, and where there is the Lord, there is no son. Where you exist He does not and where He exists you are no more. This was her final understanding as she melted into the Divine.
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