FIGURE 1: CANDY HIERARCHY CIRCA 2015 [1] DESPAIR (D C ) NET FEELIES (NF = |J C - DC |) JOY (J C ) !6000$#VOTES 400!4000$ 0 200!2000$ 0 00$ 20002000$ 40004000$ 6000$ Any full-sized candy bar [2] Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Kit Kat Twix Superius Snickers Cash, or other forms of legal tender [3] Pecunia THE CANDY HIERARCHY Peanut (2012) M&M’s Regular M&Ms [4] Nestle Crunch Layer TOP TOP TIER Butterfinger [5] Milky Way Lindt Truffle Tolberone something or other (caramel, chewy, elegant) Rolos [6] [1] [2] Three Musketeers [7][3] --- Caramellos Skittles [8] [4] [5] [6] Starburst --- Goo Goo Clusters York Peppermint Patties Dark Chocolate Hershey QUASI-SILURIAN Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Nerds 100 Grand Bar Great Mars Junior Mints Mandibular Caramellos [9] Heath Bar Jolly Ranchers (good flavor) --- Mint Juleps Layer Milk Duds Hershey’s Kissables Cadbury Creme Eggs [10] POST-TERTIARY Gummy Bears straight up Smarties (American) [11] Swedish Fish [12] Sea-salt flavored stuff, probably chocolate, since this is the "it" flavor of the year LemonHeads Glow sticks (not surprisingly, it’s predominantly chocolate-based) Vicodin [13] THE PETERSEN INFLEX (where J = D or N = 0) Mint M&Ms [7] --- Three Musketeers[8] C C F Peanut Butter Bars Runts [9] Pixy Stix Post LaffyTaffy SECOND TIER Mint Juleps Mastication Licorice (not black) Lollipops Minibags of chips [14] Epoch POST-TERTIARY Bottle Caps IRONIC(oh look,FRUCTOSE mostly SEDIMENT chocolate, just not as good) Candy Corn [15] THE MARCELLUS WALLACE CUSP Mounds --- Tootsie Rolls --- Whoppers[10] --- Fair Trade Chocolate[11] Now'n'Laters [16] [12] [5] Mint Kisses [13] Swedish Fish Smarties --- (Commonwealth) Ferrero Rocher Dots Kinder Happy Hippo [17] THIRD TIER Hard Candy Fuzzy Peaches Peanut Butter Jars Pre Necco Wafers Goo Goo Clusters [18] Mastication Licorice (the chewy range or, in some circles, the Upper Chewy or Upper Devonian)[19] Data was pulled at Chiclets 9:35am EST on Good N'[14] Plenty Epoch Candy Corn? October 30th, 2015 [15] Bubble Gum Mary --- Janes100 Grand[20] Bar --- Heath Bar Candy [16] Trail Mix Total number of voters: Brach products (not including candy corn) [21] 5459 Chick-o-Sticks (we don’t know what that is) ~5% going trick or treating BOTTOM TIER Hugs (actual physical hugs) [22] ~1.4% under 15 and going. Reggie Jackson Bar Ribbon candy Sweetums Total number of Joy versus Healthy Fruit [23] Despair votes: 518,605 Zone of Maynards (the Lower Chewy or Middle Crunchy Tart Layer) Senior Mints Plumbum Bonkers [24] [17] Mint Leaves Vials of pure high fructose corn syrup, for main-lining into your vein Banality Those odd marshmallow circus peanut things TIER LOWER Peterson Brand Sidewalk Chalk American Smarties[18] --- Chalk[18] --- Jolly Rancher (bad flavor) Pencils Black Jacks Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction JoyJoy (Mit Iodine) “Omnes Generic Brand Acetaminophen Whole Wheat anything [19] [28] TIER SO LOW IT DOES NOT REGISTER ON OUR Lapel EQUIPMENT Pins Desperatio” Box’o’ Raisins Spotted Dick [25] Anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers Creepy Religious comics/Chick Tracts [26] White Bread TIER SO LOW IT DOES Benjamin R. Cohen and David Ng [20][21] [21] Dental paraphenalia Kale smoothie[22] [27] Gum from baseball cards NOT REGISTER ON OUR Candy that is clearly just the stuff given out for free at restaurants Broken glow stick EQUIPMENT [29] By BenjaminDescription R. Cohen of footnotes and David can be Ng, found presented at boingboing.net by Boingboing.net.