Difficult Conversations: Authentic Communication Leads to Greater Productivity by Martha Lasley Difficult conversations can lead to crisis or harmony. The Chinese word for crisis combines two symbols: danger and opportunity. When it comes to challenging conversations, we usually only remember the first meaning, danger. Real conversations can become highly emotional, trigger old battle wounds, and motivate us to confront, freeze, bolt, or attempt to smooth things over. Or we can choose lively discussions to explore the tension and discover new options. The piano maker Theodore Steinway said, “In one of our concert grand pianos, 243 taut strings exert a pull of 40,000 pounds on an iron frame. It is proof that out of great tension may come great harmony.” Authentic communication can turn tension into creativity and harmony. Imagine yourself at a tense planning meeting where the financial director reports, “To compete profitably, we need to lay off 20% of the workforce.” The marketing director responds, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. We need to lay you off so we can hire new people who are serious about growing the business.” Are you ready to add fuel to the fire, would you prefer to crawl under your chair, or do you have the skills to facilitate an authentic, productive conversation? How do we develop facilitation skills so that we can embrace challenging conversations rather than avoid them? First, we need an effective process that leads to understanding and productivity. While smoothing things over may look quick and easy, in the long run, radical honesty and directness help teams perform at their highest potential. Roger Schwartz, author of the Skilled Facilitator, says that most meeting facilitators call for a break when the emotional energy escalates, but skilled facilitators know they’ve hit “pay dirt.” Intense emotions mean that people are talking about what matters most. Emotions serve as a barometer indicating the level of importance. Support and understanding are two of the most important universal needs, but we often sweep them under the rug, telling ourselves that we don’t have time for that nonsense, especially in a fast-paced workplace. But the sense that “I matter, you matter, we matter,” gives rise to high-functioning work groups that improve relation - ships, build team spirit, and contribute to the growth of the organization. Steve Bates, a writer for HR magazine, says, “...study after study indicates that employee emotions are fundamentally related to-and actually drive-bot - tom-line success in a company.” Emotions are directly connected to whether our needs are met or unmet. Everything we do or say is an attempt to meet our needs. Sometimes our positions for getting our needs met seem to be in conflict, such as “We need to hire more people” and “We need to fire more people.” However, when we deepen our understanding of each other’s needs, we open to new visions that can satisfy all parties. The key is to understand the needs fully first, and then come up with strategies that will meet everyone’s needs. Authentic Communication The Authentic Communication process, adapted from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, is a powerful way to turn conflict into a productive force that leads to creativity and new ideas. In this process, instead of speaking in ways that alienate others, we connect by sharing our observations and reactions and by ©2005 Martha Lasley. Article reprinted by PuddleDancer Press with permission from the author. To reprint this article, please obtain written permission directly from the author. Difficult Conversations, page 2 becoming aware of each other’s needs. Rather than becoming attached to particular positions, we explore the underlying needs we hope to satisfy. From this shared awareness, we can request strategies that work for everyone. The process for Authentic Communication includes four basic steps: Observation: When you (state your observation) Feeling: are you feeling (guess the emotion) Need: because you need (guess the need)? Request: Would you like (me, him, her, them) to (specific action) ? What do these steps look like in practice? Let’s apply them to the situation above, the planning meeting where layoffs are being considered. The financial director, Susan, has suggested laying off 20% of the staff; the marketing director, Jack, responds by questioning her ability and judgment. Noting that Jack seems the most agitated, you decide to address him first. You: Jack, when you heard Susan say that we should lay off 20% of the staff, (observation), I’m guessing you were feeling pretty alarmed (feeling), because you’re concerned about the company’s effective - ness and growth (need). Is that accurate? (request) Jack: Yes, she’s clueless! Doesn’t she know we’re launching two new products this quarter? If we have any chance of success, it’s crucial that we have adequate staff on board, especially in marketing! You: So hearing this plan (observation), you’re really concerned (feeling) about the life of the company? (need) Jack: Yes, I care about the company-I’ve been here ten years. But I also care about my job and I can’t do it without adequate staff. The last guy in her position made the same mistake and I ended up paying the price. Sales plummeted! We’re still recovering, three years later. You: So you’re worried about the company (feeling) but also want some understanding about what’s involved in adequately marketing products? (need) You want the staffing and resources to do your job well, and feel confident about success. Is that right? Jack: Yes, that’s it. Having heard Jack’s concerns, you now turn to Susan to see that she’s understood what Jack has said. At first, she may need some help; it’s not unusual, especially when tempers are high, for one person to hear a message very differently from what the other expressed. If you’re not confident that Susan has heard Jack, you can check back with him and/or share with Susan what you have heard Jack say: You: Before we go on and I hear your concerns, Susan, I want to make sure that we have clarity about what Jack has said. Could you tell me what you heard him say? Susan: He said that I remind him of my predecessor and that I’m making the same mistakes he did. He thinks I’m screwing up. © 2005 Martha Lasley www.NonviolentCommunication.com Difficult Conversations, page 3 You: Thanks Susan. I’m glad I checked. What I heard Jack say is that he wants sufficient staff to successfully launch the new products this fall. He wants to build an effective department and is worried that he won’t have the resources to do so. Can you tell me what you just heard me say? Susan: He wants to make sure his department can adequately market these new products. You: Right. That’s what I understood. Jack, is that what you wanted to express? Jack: Yes. It’s crucial that these new products do well. Once you’re confident that Susan has understood Jack, you can turn to her concerns. Wanting to include Jack, you can check with him first to see if he’s ready to hear what Susan has to say: You: It’s important to me that everyone is understood (need), so I’m wondering now Jack if you’re ready to hear where Susan is coming from? (request) Jack: A little anxious, but ready... After several rounds of listening to each other in this way, both see that they share similar objectives. They both care for the life of the company, fear for its future, and want to see the company succeed. Having heard each other, they come up with a mutually agreeable solution. Susan agrees to postpone any layoffs in the marketing department for six months, until after they launch the new product line. Jack also agrees to new sales targets and acknowledges that if they don’t reach their goals, some layoffs may be necessary. Jack ends the meeting more motivated than ever to market the new line. Susan has a greater understanding and appreciation of the challenges that Jack faces in his department and agrees to involve his input in the future. It may take several rounds of guessing feelings and needs before both parties feel understood. Once the needs are on the table, you can encourage all those involved to make requests that honor each other’s needs. Because they feel understood, each person involved is much more likely to listen to the other’s ideas and cre - ate strategies that work for everyone. The outline above can be visually summarized in this model: Authentic Communication Adapted from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication TM The inner options in green (observations, feeling, needs, and requests) represent ways of connecting with energizing, productive forces. The outer options in red (judgment, thought, positions, demands) represent alienating forces or habitual ways of communicating. The four steps and choices are: 1. Stimulus: We can either pass moral judgment or notice our observations. 2. Reaction: We can tune into what we’re thinking or what we’re feeling. 3. Awareness: We can decide on a position or explore what we need. 4. Action: We can either make a demand or make a request. © 2005 Martha Lasley www.NonviolentCommunication.com Difficult Conversations, page 4 Components of Authentic Communication Observation Observations differ from judgments. Observations are what you would see and hear in a videotape vs. what you think, judge or evaluate. Feelings Feelings are not the same as what you are thinking. Feelings are your emotions or gut reactions vs.