Robina_S&S Feature Template 04/10/2013 09:59 Page 1 “If you don’t RESPECT YOURSELF, how can you expect others to?” Our new columnist, the venerable Robina Courtin is an outspoken, tough and fiery Buddhist nun. Each month she answers your questions concerning Buddhism in a modern world. Robina is teaching in London, Somerset, This month it’s how to respect YOU! Scotland, France, Denmark and Sweeden remember my mother would For sure, we do get angry, bad-mouth in November. say this phrase to me, but others, make a mess of our relationships, get See her schedule at I could never hear it. I would jealous, and the rest, and need to be robinacourtin.com. desperately want others to accountable for these parts of ourselves. But Iapprove of, love and respect me, we end up feeling guilty instead, and this is but I couldn’t join the dots between useless: it’s not about taking responsibility at that and my own low self-esteem. In all. It merely reinforces our low self-esteem, The Five Top Regrets of the Dying. She said and we believe it’s permanent, and that it is fact, I didn’t know what it meant! It the top regret was: ‘I wish I’d had the courage who we really are. seemed so true that I wasn’t worthy to live a life true to myself, not the one others expected of me’. or good enough. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE That’s the one! It’s huge, actually, but we This is the irony of the ego, according to the But we also do good things: work hard, have no choice. Buddhist way of understanding the human forgive others, practise patience, have There’s a nice saying in Buddhism, that mind. One of the functions of the attachment compassion and show love – so many great a bird needs two wings: wisdom and that he goes on so much about is things! We have to remember every day, compassion. You could say that the first is dissatisfaction, and mainly with ourselves. literally speak to ourselves daily, that these the point: being useful, lightening the load of No matter what we do, get or experience, we qualities are who we really are. As long as we others in the world. But as the Dalai Lama seem to assume it’s never enough: which is keep buying into the misery, we’ll stay stuck. says: ‘Compassion is not enough, you need another way of saying Our attachment to what wisdom’. And the latter part of this involves, we’re always focusing on “One person says others think is huge in our most simply, developing ourselves, growing our bad qualities. a bad word, and we lives, and the source of so our innate potential for clarity, and having Even though we much of our unhappiness. the courage to make the brave choices. And desperately want the run like a magnet to But it’s so, so hard to see: how can that bring anything but huge self- approval of others, when it! What does that it’s our default mode. respect and self-worth – and a lot of we get it, we simply can’t prove? That we What helps us become satisfaction and contentment? accept it. Ten people can strong, and grow into our say good things about us, don’t, in fact, like own true self – which is but it falls on deaf ears. ourselves” another way of saying BIOGRAPHY One person says a bad developing self-respect – is Australian-born Tibetan word, and we run like a magnet to it! We to really know what we think and feel, and to Buddhist nun Robina Courtin believe it totally. What does that prove? That have the courage to follow it, in spite of what travels the world teaching we don’t, in fact, like ourselves. others think. In other words, putting more Buddhist psychology and It’s so sad. In reality, every one of us has emphasis on what’s going on in our own philosophy and helping those in need. Well- incredible potential for goodness, clarity, heads, rather than constantly worrying about known for her work for 14 years with people kindness, wisdom – and contentment. Trouble what those around us think. in prisons in the US and Australia, including is, we have to practise thinking like this to I was very moved when I read in The inmates on death row, Robina’s life and counteract the ancient habits that Buddha Guardian about the Australian nurse Bronnie work is the subject of Amiel Courtin- says we come into life with: low self-esteem, Ware, who worked for years with the dying, Wilson’s award-winning film Chasing attachment, anger, depression and jealousy. and who gathered her findings into her book, Buddha. Visit robinacourtin.com 18 SOUL&SPIRIT.