Happily Ever After: Gender, Romance and Relationships in the Christian Courtship Movement Dissertation Presented in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree Doctor of Philosophy in the Graduate School of The Ohio State University By Elizabeth Lauren Shively, M.A. Department of Comparative Studies The Ohio State University 2012 Dissertation Committee: Tanya Erzen, Advisor Mary Thomas, Advisor Hugh B. Urban 1 Copyright by Elizabeth Lauren Shively 2012 2 Abstract Courtship, the practice of forgoing traditional dating in favor of trusting God to choose your mate, has been gaining ground among conservative Christians in the U.S. since the early 1990s, but it has received little attention in scholarship or popular media. It emerged among Christian homeschooling families who were looking for an alternative to traditional dating, which they feared would bring sexual and romantic temptations into the lives of their children. The movement gained widespread appeal with the 1997 publication of Joshua Harris’ courtship confessional I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which went on to sell nearly a million copies. Combining ethnographic fieldwork, including interviews with courtship participants, and analysis of courtship media, including the movement’s popular self-help books, this dissertation is the first to examine the courtship movement comprehensively, including its authors and proponents, media, theology, discourses and participants. This dissertation traces the growth of courtship alongside the Christian homeschool movement, arguing that the movement owes its growth to the proclivity of homeschool students to be both enterprising and voracious readers. Despites participants’ reluctance to embrace the ‘courtship’ label or endorse a particular Christian denomination, I identify courtship’s ties to Christian Reconstructionist theology, and I argue that courtship authors’ reluctance to enforce a courtship formula has actually ii contributed to the successful spread of courtship principles, including parental involvement, physical and emotional purity, and dating only with the purpose of marriage in mind. It also identifies characteristics I call luminous femininity and radiant modesty. Girls in the courtship movement strive to exude a mix of warm nurturing, service, hospitality and radiant modesty, a glowing purity. Contrary to critiques that equate traditional femininity with passivity, I find that girls in the courtship movement actively embrace traditionally feminine characteristics as part of a bargain in which they trade nurturing care for financial security. The Christian courtship movement defines romance as a mix of emotional intimacy and carefully orchestrated gestures of love, and advocates encourage Christian singles to save romance for engagement and marriage with one person. What courtship participant miss out on in quantity of romantic partners, they hope to make up in for in the quality of a beautiful “God-written” romance. This understanding of romance is consistent with messages of love and intimacy in the broader culture, which suggests that rather than sex, romance is the real prize worth waiting for. This dissertation also explores the relation of courtship to the institutions of heterosexual marriage and the nuclear family. By prioritizing family relationships, familiarizing potentially romantic relationships, practicing for future families, surveilling the courtship process in the context of the family home and moving directly from one nuclear family structure to the next, courtship attempts to recuperate what courtship proponents understand as God’s plan for romance and family, including young marriage, early parenthood and large families. iii Dedication For Jon and Jack iv Acknowledgments On the mantle above the fireplace in my living room is a handmade card, covered with the bright crayon drawings of the little girl whose family I stayed with briefly during my dissertation research. The card reminds of the short time I spent immersed in a small community of courtship families, of long days at a local church, of riding past Iowa cornfields under a big blue summer sky with her big sister. It reminds me that, truly, the best part of my seven-year graduate school journey was the time I spent getting to know the people whose stories make up this dissertation. I thank them for their participation, their interest and their hospitality. Beyond these participants, my work was made possible by grants from the Stella Hiltner Fund for Comparative Religious Studies and the Arts & Humanities Graduate Research Small Grants Program. I thank my dissertation committee, not only for providing insightful feedback, but for serving as models of the kind of scholar I hope one day to be. I feel fortunate to have been paired with an advisor, Tanya Erzen, whose work shares not only an interest in the same topics I find compelling, but also a commitment to engage with audiences both inside and outside the academy. My advisor Mary Thomas helped me navigate the rough waters of graduate school with a mix of warmth and practicality, serving as both a cheerleader and the kindest of deadline enforcers. I thank Hugh Urban for his comments on this project and for serving as a teaching mentor. I would not have made it this far v without the support of my graduate school friends and colleagues Lindsay Bernhagen, Kate Dean-Haidet, Katie Rask, Alissa Rubenstein, Stacey Saunders and Rita Trimble. Most importantly, I thank family—my mom, who never gets tired of answering my distressed phone calls and my dad, whose passion I have inherited, my brothers, and their wives, who have become my best friends as we’ve made our way in the “real world,” building families and careers, my husband, Jon, who has seen me through the worst and celebrated with me the best moments for a decade, and our son Jack, who reminds me every day what it’s all about. vi Vita 2004…………………………………………B.A. Journalism, Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis 2007…………………………………………M.A. Women’s Studies, The George Washington University 2008 to present………………………………Graduate Teaching Associate, Department of Comparative Studies, The Ohio State University Fields of Study Major Field: Comparative Studies Other Fields: Women's and Gender Studies; Sexuality Studies; American Studies; Religious Studies vii Table of Contents Abstract……………………………………………...................................... ii Dedication………………………………………………………………….iv Acknowledgements………………………………………………………....v Vita………………………………………………………………………...vii Introduction………………………………………………………………....1 Chapter One: The Movement……………………………………………...47 Chapter Two: Luminous Femininity………………………………………72 Chapter Three: “Guard Your Heart”……………………………………...126 Chapter Four: First Comes Marriage………………...................................173 Conclusion……………………………………………………………… 213 Bibliography………………………………………………………………220 Appendix A: Interview Participants Chart………..………………………227 viii Introduction: A Textbook Courtship Even through grainy home video footage, the sense of anticipation is palpable. The last strains of a processional hymn that accompanied the bridal party down the long aisle fade out, and there is a moment of stillness in the church before the sanctuary swells with the opening chords of Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus.” The large crowd, filling row after row of crowded pews, stands to greet the bride. The double doors open wide, and Lindsay, linking arms with her father, begins her long-anticipated walk down the aisle. It had been two years since Lindsay, 23, watched 23 year-old David’s heroic on- screen role in a locally-produced Christian film, and her feelings for her longtime acquaintance deepened.1 When she saw the film, she says, “My heart turned toward David. And I couldn’t bear the thought of him being with someone else.”2 But because Lindsay was committed to the tenets of Christian courtship, she could not make the first move. Courtship is the practice of eschewing dating in favor of trusting God to choose your mate. Christian singles committed to courtship principles avoid romantic relationships until they feel that God has revealed to them that they are in the “season of 1 I have changed the names and identifying details of the courtship participants I met and interviewed to protect their anonymity. I refer to courtship authors and other public figures by their actual names. Unless otherwise indicated, all quoted material is taken from fieldnotes and interviewed transcripts I collected from 2010 to 2012. 2 David and Lindsay’s story is taken from my interview with the couple, as well as the DVD they produced for guests at their wedding. 1 marriage.” Young men initiate the courtship process, and fathers grant final permission for a daughter to pursue a relationship. Before, and in the early stages of courtship, couples attempt to “guard their hearts” from emotional intimacy, which they believe should be saved for engagement and marriage. Sexual abstinence before marriage is presumed. Many couples refrain from sharing physical intimacy beyond hand holding during courtship, and instead “save their first kiss” for the wedding day. While they are single, Christian young people committed to courtship should practice relationship skills with siblings, parents and Christian friends and devote their single years to service and ministry, such as overseas mission trips. Why Courtship? I will explore in detail some of the key dynamics of the Christian courtship movement in later chapters, but David and Lindsay’s story conveys the basic principles