2013 THE BEST WOMEN’S STAGE MONOLOGUES 2013 THE BEST WOMEN’S STAGE MONOLOGUES Edited and with a Foreword by Lawrence Harbison MONOLOGUE AUDITION SERIES SMITH AND KRAUS PUBLISHERS CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays represented in this book are subject to a roy- alty. They are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), The Berne Convention, the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention as well as all coun- tries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. All rights reserved. ISBN: 1575258420/781575258423 ISSN 2329-2709 Library of Congress Control Number: Typesetting and layout by Elizabeth E. Monteleone Cover Design: Borderlands Press A Smith and Kraus book 177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755 Editorial 603-643-6431 To Order 1-877-668-8680 www.smithandkraus.com Printed in the United States of America TABLE OF CONTENTS FOREWORD 9 Lawrence Harbison AEROSOL DREAMS 13 Nicole Pandolfo ALL-AMERICAN 15 Julia Brownell AMERICAN STORM BY INTEGRITY OUT OF MOLLY BROWN 17 Carter W. Lewis AMERICA’S BRIGHTEST STAR (2) 18 Alex Goldberg THE ASK 21 David Lee White THE ANARCHIST 23 David Mamet ANATOMIES (2) 25 Don Nigro THE ART ROOM 29 Billy Aronson BETHANY 31 Laura Marks BLACKTOP SKY (2) 33 Christina Anderson BOB: A LIFE IN FIVE ACTS 37 Peter Sinn Nachtrieb BRIDGE AND TUNNEL 39 Anne Flanagan CHECKERS 40 Douglas Mcgrath CHIMICHANGAS AND ZOLOFT (2) 43 Fernanda Coppel CONEY 46 David Johnston CONSTRUCTION OF THE HUMAN HEART 48 Ross Mueller DARK RADIO 50 Colin Mckenna DEAD ACCOUNTS 51 Theresa Rebeck DETROIT (2) 53 Lisa D’Amour THE ELECTRIC BABY 57 Stefanie Zadravec THE FALLEN YASMINE 59 Beverly Rana FEAR AND DESIRE (2) 61 Alana Ruben Free FIX ME, JESUS 64 Helen Sneed A GIRL’S GUIDE TO COFFEE (2) 66 Eric Coble HEADSTRONG 70 Patrick Link HIT-STORY 72 Carter W. Lewis HIT THE WALL (3) 74 Ike Holter HONKY (2) 78 Greg Kalleres HOUSEBREAKING (2) 81 Jakob Holder HURRICANE 85 Nilo Cruz I THINK I LOVE YOU (2) 86 Sharon Goldner IMMEDIATE FAMILY 90 Paul Oakley Stovall JESUS IN INDIA (2) 91 Lloyd Suh JIHAD JONES AND THE KALASHNIVOV BABES 94 Yussef El Guindi LIGHTNING FROM HEAVEN 96 Scott Sickles LIVE BROADCAST (3) 98 John William Schiffbauer LUCY LOVES ME (2) 103 Migdalia Cruz THE LYONS (2) 107 Nicky Silver THE MADRID 111 Liz Flahive THE MAN UNDER 112 Paul Bomba MISSED CONNECTION 114 Larke Schuldberg THE MISSIONARY POSITION 116 Keith Reddin THE MNEMONIST OF DUTCHESS COUNTY 118 Josh Koenigsberg THE MONEY SHOT 120 Adam Cunningham NEVA 122 Guillermo Calderón (Transl Andrea Thome) THE NORWEGIANS (4) 124 C. Denby Swanson OPEN UP (2) 132 Kimberly Pau THE OTHER PLACE 136 Sharr White OUTLOOK (2) 138 Kathleen Warnock PIGEON 140 Tommy Smith PILGRIMS MUSA AND SHERI IN THE NEW WORLD 142 Yussef El Guindi PORT OUT, STARBOARD HOME 144 Sheila Callaghan PRINCES OF WACO 146 Robert Askins RADIANCE 148 Cusi Cram REALLY REALLY 149 Paul Downs Colaizzo SEED (2) 150 Radha Blank SLOWGIRL (2) 153 Greg Pierce SOFT REVOLUTION: SHAFANA AND AUNT SARRINAH (2) 157 Alana Valentine TEN CHIMNEYS 161 Jeffrey Hatcher TERESA’S ECSTACY 163 Begonya Plaza THE FUTURE IS NOT WHAT IT WAS 165 Michael Rabe THIS IS FICTION 167 Megan Hart THE TIGER AMONG US 169 Lauren Yee TIME IN KAFKA 171 Len Jenkin THE VANDAL 173 Hamish Linklater VANYA AND SONIA AND MASHA AND SPIKE 175 Christopher Durang VENUS IN FUR 177 David Ives WALTER CRONKITE IS DEAD (2) 179 Joe Calarco WELCOME TO MY HEAD 184 Sam Bobrick THE WHY OVERHEAD 185 Adam Szymkowicz WILD WITH HAPPY (3) 187 Colman Domingo YOU FOR ME FOR YOU 192 Mia Chung YOUR BOYFRIEND MAY BE IMAGINARY (3) 193 Larry Kunofsky RIGHTS AND PERMISSIONS 201 FOREWORD Here you will find a rich and varied selection of mono- logues for women from plays which were produced and/or published in the 2012-2013 theatrical season. Most are for younger performers (teens through 30s) but there are also some excellent pieces for older women as well. Some are comic (laughs), some are dramatic (generally, no laughs). Some are rather short, some are rather long. All represent the best in contemporary playwriting. Several of the monologues are by playwrights whose work may be familiar to you, such as Don Nigro, Theresa Rebeck, David Mamet, Nilo Cruz, David Ives and Christo- pher Durang; others are by exciting up-and-comers such as Nicole Pandolfo, Adam Cunningham, Greg Pierce, Colman Domingo, Sharon Goldner, Begonya Plaza, Paul Downs Colaizzo and Greg Kalleres. Many of the plays from which these monologues have been culled have been published and, hence, are readily avail- able either from the publisher/licensor or from a theatrical book store such as the Drama Book Shop in New York. A few plays may not be published for a while, in which case contact the author or his agent to request a copy of the entire text of the play which contains the monologue which suits your fancy. Information on publishers/rights holders may be found in the Rights & Permissions section in the back of this anthology. Break a leg in that audition! Knock ‘em dead in class! Lawrence Harbison Brooklyn, NY MONOLOGUES AEROSOL DREAMS Nicole Pandolfo Seriocomic Maria, Twenties Maria is talking to Tommy, the bartender in a joint in New Jersey, with whom she has had sex with the night before, about her former fiancée, Danny, who died tragically in a fall. MARIA: Don’t remind me about Danny. I just . don’t understand people. Like, why do they pretend one thing with you, only to need something totally different? Any- way, I’d rather be alone, really. It’s so much easier. (a beat) Do you ever feel like . like I don’t know. That you missed something that was important? Like on the way you choose left instead of right and missed the way you were supposed to go. Like somehow you accidentally fucked it all up? But you can’t figure out how or where or when it went wrong? (a beat) Fucking cigarettes. I just had to go get cigarettes. (a long pause) If I hadn’t left, maybe we would have went inside. I would have sat on his lap and had another glass of cham- pagne. Maybe we would have went into the bathroom to fuck. We used to like to do that. Have sex in people’s bathrooms during parties. I don’t know why. We weren’t like that, like spontaneous, in any other circumstance, but we liked to fuck in people’s bathrooms during parties. (a pause) We would have gotten married last week. If it hadn’t, you know if he wasn’t dead. Right when I got my ticket to Newark. I was packing my bags to come home about Lawrence Harbison 13 when I would have been packing them to go on my honeymoon. And get this. We were gonna go to Vegas. And get married again by Elvis. We both really wanted to do that—to get married by Elvis, but his mom had a fit and wanted it to be a Catholic wedding—but we both really wanted Elvis. So we were gonna do it. Do both. Catholic wedding in New York and then a honeymoon in Vegas. (a beat) I just love Elvis. And what’s fucked up about life. Fate. The Stars. Whateverthefuck is ruling this goddamn circus—is that I was in Vegas. I went to Vegas. Only there was no Elvis. And no Bobby. But I was there just when I was supposed to be. Somehow. Do you think I’ll ever feel better? Information on this playwright may be found at: www.smithandkraus.com. Click on the AUTHORS tab. 14 2013 THE BEST WOMEN’S STAGE MONOLOGUES ALL-AMERICAN Julia Brownell. Comic Beth, Forty-two Beth Slattery is a former cheerleader and the wife and mother at the center of the play. Beth has just arrived home after making her first big sale at a new real estate job and recounts her day to her husband, Mike, an NFL football player. She’s spent the last sixteen years of her life as a full time wife to her NFL football player husband and mom to her teenage twins, so having success on her own is exhilarating. Mike—who was once the star of the family but is now retired and searching—has just told his kids that he’s planning to ask Beth for a divorce. He tries to tell her, but Beth is so excited she doesn’t give him a chance. BETH: I sold the Ocean Parkway house! The motherfucking bigass loaded mansion, baby! With the motherfucking four hundred THOUSAND dollar commission. I knew it. I knew I was good at this. DAMN, it feels good to be good at something. I’m a breadwinner! I’m winning bread! God, I feel so amazing right now. I want a drink. Want a drink? We should have a drink. We should toast. What did you guys get? I know, I know.