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FREE 08/03/01 Issue no: 1005

Green Life after the Comic Barearts Week Womb Relief p4-5 p17 p18 p7-14 GU2 has Landed Last Wednesday night saw the broadcasting studio, production launch of the new student radio studio and administration area. station, GU2 1350AM here at the Speaking at the launch party, sta- University of Surrey. At midnight tion manager Gareth Davis said: " GU2 officially went live on air with It's been a long process but the a party in the students' union and a late nights and commitment are synchronized Launch jingle being certainly paying off now." played in the Students' Union and On Wednesday night 1000 stu- on air as well. dents enjoyed the launch party Earlier in the day, the Vice with DJs Bentley Rhythm Ace. Chancellor Prof Patrick Dowling VP Communications and recorded the first ever interview in Marketing told barefacts, "This the new station and was shown project has taken a lot of people an around the newly equipped sta- awfully long time to put together tion, based in Battersea Court but the enthusiasm for the new reception, as well as taking the station is enormous. It's not every- hotseat in the broadcasting studio day you get the chance to be for awhile. involved in something like this." It has taken three and half years GU2 can now be heard 24 hours since the conception of the new a day, seven days a week across radio station and £40,000 to build campus, broadcasting all types of and equip. The station is located in music and a news show every the heart of the campus under- Monday, Wednesday and Friday at neath Battersea Court reception 5pm. and boasts a state-of-the-art Vice Chancellor Prof Patrick Dowling with the GU2 team and Union staff International Week Foot and Mouth Ian Gribben more and more expensive, cheese) but will remove it By Luke Hickey week began with an interna- night was a chance for stu- Interim Bar & Catering the availability becomes altogether from the menu if Deptuy Editor tional quiz, won by an English dents from many nations to Operations Manager less and the quality could the price gets too high. The team by the name of ‘Chee promote their countries and be affected. We are deter- steaks may get smaller for There are many times when Chee’ (a panda for those of culture. The significance of We are currently facing mined not to let this hap- the same price, but just this journalism lark is superb: you wondering). There were the evening was not lost on yet another food crisis that pen. There are problems wait until you see the size free CDs, free t-shirts, hospi- about a 10 teams at the quiz the Deputy Mayor, who told could have impacts for enough out there and in of the onion rings. tality at press events, getting where people of differing barefacts, ”This is an months to come. This one here without adding In short, we will try to to interview Drew Barrymore nationalities made up the absolutely excellent project; it however can have the dra- expensive bacon or short- avoid raising prices, and in (well I can dream, can’t I?). questions. is a chance for us all to bene- matic effects of hitting the er sausages. But we are some instances have no This week saw another high- Tuesday then saw what for fit as we learn so much about more hidden elements not in control of the supply choice, but wherever pos- light as International Week many is the highlight of the different countries and cul- such as milk, cream, climate, and could fall vic- sible, if we can limit launched with a bang as over week, the ‘International tures. Even though I am cheese and other goods. tim, as everyone else reduced portions of meat a dozen international soci- Exhibition’, which was wit- involved with the university, I The most worrying side would, to a shortage of and keep the prices low, eties flooded the Students nessed by a packed union. was not aware of this week effect of such a crisis is the decent quality and decent we will. Union building with a mix of With The Deputy Mayor Cllr and its events but am delight - impact it has on our pock- priced meats and goods. We also received this dance, music, food and drink. Mrs Jennifer E Powell and ed that it takes place. ets. There is not many To react to this problem statement from Simon On Monday (5th March) the other VIP’s in attendance the “I was also particularly among us who eats any before it becomes one, we Booth, Acting Director on impressed with the amount of meal on any day that has are looking at many varied Hospitality Catering preparatory work that has not a single ingredient from ways of tackling this issue Services : gone into this evening and any farmyard animal. We head on, and stopping it at Due to the Foot and the levels of enthusiasm with have already been wal- the security gates, before it Mouth Disease outbreak which the students involved loped by severe price starts to affect our pockets wholesale prices of fresh have shown tonight. They all rises, bacon for example and stomachs. Turning the and frozen meat products came across as really proud (45%) in the last few whole menu into Fish and are sharply increasing. to be telling us about their weeks. The more a prod- veg is a possibility if this Hospitality Catering countries.” uct is in demand or is diffi- escalates to a more seri- Services will continue to My first port of call was the cult to supply, the more ous issue, but there is still hold its present prices to its Hellenic (Greek and Cypriot) expensive it becomes. The movement in meat, and we customers for as long as Society who supplied an more animals affected by are not yet shaping corned possible. array of travel magazines and this bug, the more prod- beef into burgers and bid- We promise not to a selection of food spanning ucts we may see disap- ding for bacon down by the increase prices except starters, main course and pearing off our shelves. river. However, just in case when it becomes unavoid- deserts together with a selec - This of course means that anyone is wondering how able and then only to tion of local wines. the food we sell here in the this could affect us, then of reflect the increase in raw Union will (if the current course, we won't sell burg- material cost. continued on page 15 trends continue) become ers for £19.99 (24.99 with

[email protected] News 1-3 n Features 5-6, n Barearts 7-14 n Lifestyle 16 n Sport 18-20 News 2 08/03/01 Editorial

You maybe wondering why barefacts is a tad green Editorial Team this week, well it’s because it’s Green Week next week and hence the change in colour. So watch out Editor for the exciting events happening in the Union and Kevin Marston around campus.

Deputy Editor Thanks to all the International societies who have Luke Hickey submitted articles over the last week and good luck with the Gala on Friday Night. ps the food was great Production Editor on Tuesday, cheers. Andy Thomas Anyway just thought I would remind you all that if you News Team would like to write for next ‘phased’ magazine which Mike Rolfe will be coming out in May then please email me at James Buller [email protected] or pop into my office. Cheers

Political Editor Kev Reuben Thompson ...News In Brief...News In Brief...News Features Editor David Abbott Bookies stop taking bets on who killed Phil tion for each other with their constant name-calling. Biggest Mistake: Their mutual identity crises. Music Editor William Hill have stopped taking bets on who shot Phil Christina looks and sounds just like that other teen Owen Hazelby Mitchell in Eastenders’, after a series of bets were singing sensation, Britney what’s-her-name, while placed on Gareth Hunt, an actor who is not even in the Eminem worries we might forget him and is constant - Film Editors soap at the moment. Dozens of calls were received by ly reminding us, “My name’s Slim Shady, and I’m Slim Libby Hurt the bookmakers after a price of 16/1 was quoted. The Shady.” We got it, Slim Slady. book on ‘who shot Phil’ is to remain closed until it is In 25 Years: Opposites attract. Eminem and Sports Editor clear who is actually going to be in the show. Dirty Dan Christina overcome their differences and preach a Dave Chapman Sullivan remains the prime suspect, however. He message of peace and love. She gives birth to a brood received 29% of the votes in a poll conducted by BBC of Slim Shorties, and he mans the phones at a gay cri- sis centre. Marketing Team News Online. Ali Danby Sarah Michelle Gellar Ellen van Keulen Politician not lying? Career Highlight: Slaying bloodsuckers while wear- The official enquiry into the Hinduja passport affair has ing stilettos and hot pants, Gellar turned Buffy the Vampire Slayer into a kick-ass television show. Take Contributors cleared Peter Mandelson of any wrongdoing. Mandelson resigned as Northern Ireland Secretary in that, Kristy Swanson. Tom Sugarman January, after being accused of attempting to speed In 25 Years: After tripping over a gravestone and breaking her hip, a middle-age Gellar decides to retire Sam Clarke up the application, by Mr. Srichand Hinduja, for a CU British passport. Mr. Hinduja was part of the Hinduja from fighting the forces of evil and goes into seclusion. She spends her time relentlessly watching Buffy GU2 Foundation, which donated £1m to the Millennium reruns and talking to her cats Spike, Angel, Willow, Greensoc Dome’s faith zone, while Mr. Mandelson had ministe- All the Sports people rial responsibility for the project. and Xander. All the International Societies I’m no atheist, I’m a Jedi Will they ever learn? Attempts are being made to get the Jedi philosophy of New(ish) plans from the government to introduce con- barefacts the Star Wars films to be officially recognised as a reli- gestion charging and a workplace parking tax have Union House, University Of Surrey gion. E-mails have been sent to more than 8,000 New Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH come under fresh fire from the Conservatives. Zealanders asking them to declare Jedi as their faith Shadow transport minister Bernard Jenkin said that on this week’s census forms. It is, however, an offence the proposals will mean motorists face being “taxed if Tel: 01483 879275 to enter false information in the census, so anyone Fax: 01483 534749 you move, taxed if you don’t”. He continued saying who goes along with the request may find themselves “Labour’s double whammy is that whilst the motorist is email: [email protected] explaining their actions to the authorities. paying more and more in taxation, traffic jams are get - Deadline for Publication ting worse”. He also added that “there will be no hid- Germans hold Britain to ransom Monday 12pm ing place from this government’s stealth tax plan”. However, Transport Minister Keith Hill accused the British television companies are being “held to ran- Tories of a “cynical and nonsensical” U-turn. Labour Submissions say the Tories supported congestion charging during som” over the rights to screen World Cup football, the 2000 London mayoral elections. according to Peter Salmon, director of sport for the preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, BBC. The rights are currently held by the Kirch Group, Text in Arial, size 9 font Of course your cannot expect any politician to stick to one policy, keep their promises and not change a German media company. Kirch are challenging cur- rent British legislation which allows the public to watch barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. their mind constantly. events like the World Cup and Olympics for free. The The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union Future predictions for celebs media group is seeking a payment for the 2002 World or the University of Surrey. Cup, that is estimated to be 40 times more than the

This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission price paid for France ’98 coverage. of the publisher. Here are a few predictions about what the stars of today will be doing in 25 years, courtesy of MSN’s All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. New Footie Transfer System Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. entertainment section: barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Keanu Reeves & Sylvester Stallone The meddling European Union has only gone and Printed by interfered with another part of British life, everyone’s Career Highlight: Keanu: Playing Neo in The East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT Matrix. (Guess he finally figured out the less dialogue, favourite sport, football. The old transfer system where © USSU Communications Office 2001 clubs paid a transfer fee to obtain a wanted player the better.) Stallone: Doing the knockout role of Rocky from another club is to be replaced with one which - over and over and over again. Biggest Mistake: Keanu: Deciding against more Bill ‘does not infringe on the right of the player to change jobs’ (i.e. allows them to change clubs if they want to). and Ted movies. Dude, that was the role of a lifetime. What the EU wanted and what the footballing world Stallone: Trying to shed his action-hero status for more serious fare in Cop Land. At least he didn’t try would accept were completely different things, so a compromise has been reached. Hamlet. Players will only be allowed to move clubs once per In 25 Years: Keanu and Sly team for a series of Matrix meets Rocky flicks. The special effects are season, with two transfer ‘windows’ for these move- ments. If a player walks out of a club before the end of great—especially the ones that make these geriatric his contract, then that player will be suspended for 4 stars look as if they’re moving. But the extent of the dialogue between them is “Whoa” and “Yo.” months. This is a deterrent to stop players following their wallets every time they receive a better offer. Eminem & Christina Aguilera Career Highlight: Generating tons of media atten- News 08/03/01 3 What is Foot and Mouth, what causes it and Science News By Sam Clarke why is it devastating British agriculture? Science Correspondent By Sam Clarke weight, while those on the feet often result Scientists find ‘conclusive’ evidence of Science Correspondent in lameness. While death from the disease life on mars. is rare, weight loss and lameness mean that Britain is currently in the grip of yet another the affected livestock are usually impossible Scientists at NASA revealed last week that agrarian crisis, hot on the heels of BSE and to sell. The disease itself generally only they had found ‘conclusive’ evidence of swine fever. This time the culprit is an infec- lasts for two to three weeks, but this is primitive life on Mars, from a Martian mete- tion thought beaten in this country until ample time for the virus to spread through- orite. The scientists claim that microscopic cases surfaced in the south of England last out an entire herd and beyond. chains of magnetite crystals found using week. Since then the virus has spread like There is a vaccination for the disease high-resolution electron microscopy prove wild fire via livestock markets, affect almost however, so why has this disease managed the existence of Martian bacteria. More everyone form farmers to supermarkets to to infect and devastate our livestock? sceptical scientists however point to the ramblers. However the vaccine seldom works on all fact that the asteroid was sitting on the Foot and Mouth is caused by a highly animals and even successfully vaccinated mal to produce antibodies to the foot and Antarctic ice for 13 000 years before being infectious virus which afflicts animals with animals can still carry the infectious virus for mouth virus conferring immunity, and the discovered in 1984. They warn that there cloven feet, such as cattle, sheep, goats up to two years, posing a continuing risk to adenovirus is unable to replicate itself. can never be conclusive evidence that the and deer, but more rarely hedgehogs, rats unvaccinated animals. As a consequence Tests show that one shot of the vaccine bacterial traces came from Mars and not and llamas. The virus particles are either vaccinated and unvaccinated animals have could confer immunity within seven days. our own Earth. Scientists around the world inhaled or eaten, and causes painful blister- to be kept apart. Crucially however, as the vaccine only con- hope that samples collected directly from ing to the feet and mouth (hence the name). They key factor against vaccination, tains a few genes for the viral proteins, vac- mars itself will provide the definitive answer These blisters subsequently burst, releasing though, is economic. Initially, the present cinated and infected animals can easily be on Martian life. virus particles which are free to be transmit- meat embargo imposed upon Britain was distinguished by testing for antibodies ted to healthy animals. As few as ten parti- expected to be lifted as early as 1st March if against the missing proteins. NASA deflated but not out. cles are enough to cause the disease in the disease could be brought under control Ultimately, vaccination of livestock should cows. through slaughtering. The embargo is sure prove considerably cheaper than mass The maiden flight of a balloon the size of an The blisters which form in the mouth to have lasted a great deal longer if we had slaughtering and because the vaccine con- Olympic stadium was cut short to just 100 cause the animal to eat less and loose vaccinated animals. tains live virus instead of attenuated virus, minutes last week. NASA’s attempt at send- Additionally, vaccination in the underde- the effects should be longer lasting. The ing an experimental Ultra Long Duration veloped world is much more difficult due to only major concern remaining is that the Balloon which is designed to fly to the edge the cost involved. Vaccination can cost up to seven-day lag period between vaccination of space was in fact a very short duration one dollar dose, which is a hefty overhead and immunity will allow the infection to con- flight when a leak forced a controlled in such countries. tinue spreading. decent of the balloon. The balloon was Hope is on the horizon though as a num- Britain’s last major outbreak of Foot and designed to fly at a constant altitude high ber of groups around the world are working Mouth disease was in 1967, 442 000 ani- above the earth’s surface, allowing on new vaccines. The US department of mals were slaughtered at more than 2000 astronomers to pick up faint signals from Agriculture have inserted genes that encode farms, and cost the farming industry £150 space or observe rare events. NASA plan to for the foot and mouth viral coat into live million. build another balloon which will be adenoviruses. The viral coat allows the ani- launched later in the month.

Your Emails

To: barefacts To: barefacts From: Tim Brown From: Name & address supplied Subject: RE: HRB Express Subject: Union Mismanagement Cc: Cc: I'm responding to K A Warren's email as 11:30pm. I apprecaite the HRB I would just like to thank the no staff but a bored looking - and that there was nowhere to regarding the catering facilities on the express is a good outlet to go to after Union 'management' team Greek girl smoking a fag behind get food until the HRB express campus. It's good to know someone a night out in the union for a burger (used in the loosest possible the bar (which was apparently opened at 7:30. Is this actually feels much the same as me since dur- but being the only catering outlet with sense) for the large amounts of open) and eating a salad. She true?! How much revenue is ing semester time I am sure there are limited range does concern me. I'd comedy value they have provid- didn't say anything to me, but the union missing out on by not many like me who live a very wild stu- say there is scope to have efficient ed me during the last academic went and got another guy in providing such a basic service dent life taking hold of every opportu- and competitive catering facilities on year. As a final year student, jeans and a jumper who didn't at such a potentially lucrative nity because we're only a student campus during late hours in semester I've been at this uni for quite a look like staff either. He got my time? The old Pizza Plus may once. Busy postgraduates like me will time. I question, though, whether peo- long time now, so I think I'm drink and then reached his big have tasted like shit, but at least have to work on campus anything up ple would find this a useful facility, or qualified to say that the running hairy hands into the ice it was open when you wanted to 16 hours a day (when it's really would they still unnecessarily allocate of the student's union has machine to get some for me, it...... Whatever we are paying heavy! - 12 is average) and with all the that money to the 'beer budget' so never, in my time, been so dia- before dropping it in my drink the management of the student meetings and everything to go to it they would not be able to afford to use bolically bad. I used to work as and asking how much I should union, it is far too much. I'm can turn out that I'm not available to it? a member of bar staff until quit- be paying. I didn't fancy my leaving this place in a few go and get some decent food as late ting at the end of last semester, drink now but couldn't be months so I'm not too bothered and I'd heard many a story fucked to argue, so I paid and - but I do feel sorry for the stu- To: barefacts about the way the union was took it - but I'm not very happy. dents that will be here next year From: Name & Addressed Supplied run - but we still had big thick Why the hell did I go through and the years after, unless Subject: Parental Advisory - Explicit books on health and safety to loads of blatantly pointless things dramatically improve.It learn, uniforms to wear, semi- training (since I've worked in will be interesting to see Cc: nars to attend and so on, before bars for years anyway) and whether new president hello all at barefacts. deemed as offensive towards certain we were considered properly hours of seminars and nagging, Jakeway actually has the ideas qualified to work behind the bar. only to get service like this any - to back up his promises, but sectors of society, the articles that This was supposed to be an way? I know there never used from what I saw during the elec- I write concerning the introduction of appeared last week were in no way your advisory warning that refersto offensive, instead displaying the wit attempt to restore both student to be any managers around tions I really don't hold out confidence and management (obviously away enjoying their much hope. Are your cheer- any articles that may inadvertantly and satiricism we usually associate face, I believe. hard-earned salary), but to not leaders any good behind the offend somewhat squeemish readers. with one of his articles. although i feel it is a good idea, i did So may I ask that before deeming However, last friday afternoon have any official bar staff either bar, Adam? I don't suppose I went into Hari's for a pint and is completely ridiculous. you'll be able to destroy the in- happen notice that in last weeks issue any collection of words, be they offen- a game of pool with a friend, On another note, I went into town pub competition with a few (the first one in which this new idea sive to a group of people with an was implemented) the only articles to apparent lack of sense of humour or finding it pretty busy with main- Chancellors to get some food at text messages, either...... ly Hellenic students. Going to 5:30 on saturday, only to be told receive the 'explicit' accolade, shall simply subjective, could their classifi- the bar to get a drink in, I found that they had stoppped serving we call it, were ones written by a cer- cation of 'explicit' be put to a demo- tain Rich W. cratic decision at the wekly editorial Please send all responses to emails to barefacts not the author. Now, for all I agree that at previous meetings. If you would like to write a letter then please send it to [email protected] junctures he has been what could be Thanks for your time Greensoc 4 08/03/01

Hello and Welcome to the Green Week Bare Facts Special 2001! Genetic Engineering:... This Green Week is shaping up better than ever! We’ve got all the usual favourites planned, such as winning a bike, the green trade fayre and ARE THE SCIENTISTS Chancellors Challenge! We’ve also got some great new events for you TRYING TO PLAY GOD? as well – with lots of lovely beer sloshing all over the place! If you think by Robin Harvey you can drink more beer than the rugby team, then Wednesday night in the Union is the place for you! “The Genie is out of the bottle. Pandora’s Box has been opened. You can’t have failed to notice that there are plans to build a waste incin- There’s no turning the clock back erator in Guildford – is this a good thing? Will it solve the county’s waste now on Genetic Engineering. The problems? Or will it create greater health and environmental problems? impact of biotechnology will be as Find out – come to what’s likely to be a lively debate on Monday night great, if not greater, than the in the Union. If you care about animal rights then you’ll want to come microchip revolution.” to the talk and presentation by the excellent Monica Lilley on So say many of the specialists in Wednesday. And you won’t want to miss Greenpeace and WWF in the research and development in the Union on Thursday, all washed down with some more beer too! biotech industry. The question for She and her successors Polly and est number”. many people is how far should Tracey blazed the way for produc- This has all been brought to you by ‘GS’ and the numbers 6.30 (every these developments be allowed to tion of the human enzyme needed COMMUNITARIANS: Thursday in Roots..) Green Soc are a very active and dynamic society go? Just because the techniques to treat patients with debilitating “Your actions should be deter – and just because we care about the environment doesn’t mean that are available does not mean that it emphysema and cystic fibrosis. mined by what most benefits the we’re weird members of the great unwashed who last bought shampoo is right to apply them. There are Rats and mice are now genetically community - and the community hair when Sheffield Wednesday were a good football team..! We have important ethical decisions to be engineered on a large scale for must have the power to decide”. great social events, have a lot of fun, and always welcome new mem- made here. Who will make them? research into human diseases bers. If you want to find out more, email mu91ev, or just come along and Will reference be made to the such a cancer, Alzheimer’s, and SURVIVALISTS: join us over a drink at one of our meetings! great moral principles of the major muscular dystrophy. Proposed “Do the things that promote the religions of the world? stem-cell research with human tis- survival of your family, community Lookout for more articles in next week barefacts We have already seen some sue holds out even greater hopes or ecosystem”. remarkable developments in the of developing successful treat- genetic engineering of plants and ments. CONCORDANCE ETHICISTS: animals. Of course, human beings Undoubtedly the most significant “Find out what is acceptable to the have been selecting animals and break-through during the year majority and put that agreement plants for genetic improvements 2000 was the unravelling of the into practice”. Cotton Pickin’ Bad since they formed settled rural 30,000 or so human genes, whose communities. The great difference ‘dictionary’, based on the combi- RIGHTS BASED ETHICISTS: by Robin Harvey defects. now is that we can make changes nation of amino acid bases CATG “Base your decisions on whether Greensoc Cotton is an important source of in a single generation to target has now been sequenced by inter- or not the new developments vio much-needed cash for small farmers. genes we couldn’t do by selective national scientists, opening up late human or animal rights”. Did you know that the cotton used in It also adds to the national economy of breeding. Provided these new prospects for gene screening your T-shirt might have been produced many poor countries in the two-thirds changes can be shown to be envi- and therapy in human patients. A number of members of Faith using large quantities of the most world. For example in Mali, 50 percent ronmentally safe and given a rigor- How do we respond to these communities today, including acutely toxic pesticides? The demand of export earnings are derived from ous health-check for human use developments and what ethical those associated with the for cotton clothing is now so high that cotton and textiles. In Pakistan it is they would seem to have great framework do we use to make Biological Sciences would deny many farmers in the two-thirds world more than two thirds. Cotton still pro- benefits for food and pharmaceuti- decisions about the application of that Genetic Engineering is are spraying their fields with increas- vides about half of all global fibre cal production. new techniques for bioengineer- “Playing God”. They would argue ingly potent insecticides in order to requirements. Look around the Crops can be given extra resist- ing? Some would argue that that God has always engaged in safeguard their yields. University of Surrey campus - cotton ance to weeds, pests and disease. genetic modification (GM) is genetic engineering, through natu- Endosulfan, banned in many coun- based clothes are very popular. Plants can be made to grow in wrong in principle. Among them ral processes, to achieve genetic tries, has been reintroduced to West What can we do to discourage the hostile environments where there would be members of religious change. Human beings, made in African cotton production to combat increasingly heavy use of highly toxic is little water or too much salt. The faith communities who would say the image of God, are here to co- American bollworm caterpillars, which pesticides in cotton production? We flavour, texture and appearance of that GM violates moral principles operate with God in bringing about penetrate cotton flower buds and bolls can insist on it being Organic. Yes, food can be enhanced. Fruit and enshrined in sacred books such as further genetic modification. In a and destroy them. As a result people there is a momentum for change, and vegetables can be transported the Hebrew Scriptures, the Bible creative, caring and imaginative have been suffering from pesticide poi- farmers, companies, informed con- longer distances without deteriora- and the Koran. Others would take way we are to act in nature on soning, which has included deaths sumers and environmentalists are tion. The nutritional qualities of a different view. They would be God’s behalf to continue our stew- among children playing around the cot- beginning to lobby for organic and pes- foods can be increased, for exam- mainly concerned with the conse- ardship and to care for the earth’s ton fields. Farmers in the region know ticide-free cotton products. Look out for ple extra vitamin content in rice, quences of GM on the environ- ecosystem in ways that are sus- only too well what endosulfan does to the labels. Some of the farming meth- richer protein or amino acid con- ment, on human health and animal tainable and retain genetic diversi- wildlife. One farmer observed how ods in West Africa that are now used to tent in other cereals. Plants can welfare. These are some of the ty. Our actions should be consis- even the earthworms died as they combat pests organically may not be engineered to produce vac- categories into which some of the tent with the nature and purposes emerged from the contaminated soil sound too attractive - for example treat- cines, anti-cancer and anti-HIV “consequentialists” might fall: of the God who moves us con- and then the birds which ate the earth- ment with extracts of neem tree, drugs. Bacteria now produce stantly in the direction of healing, worms died too. ‘Fields smell awful two crushed papaya leaves, cow urine and human insulin for diabetics and GOLDEN RULERS: wholeness and integration. or three days after spraying because garlic. However, after processing and hepatitis B vaccine for vital inocu- “Do unto others as you would have virtually every living thing has been milling, by the time it reaches the shops lations. others do to you” killed and starts to rot’. it will be as fresh as a daisy and ‘cotton The potential benefit list from ======The environmental and health effects pickin’ good’. genetic modification of animals is VIRTUE ETHICISTS: of massive pesticide use on cotton are If you would like to know more, visit just as impressive. Growth hor- “Go with your conscience, emo- The author is grateful to Professor Raymond not confined to Africa. In Uzbekistan the Pesticides Action Network (PAN) mone genes can boost the devel- tions, desires, instincts. Empathise Spier of the University of Surrey for his sug- intensive pesticide use and poor irriga- International Website www.pan.inter- opment of lean meat in pigs, cows, with others and work for harmony”. gestions on the different “Consequentialist” tion practices have led to such high lev- national.org. Dorothy Myers, from chickens, turkeys and fish. One of categories. els of contamination that fields have whom the information for this article the most publicised developments UTILITARIANS: become totally barren and drinking came (New Internationalist No 323 in genetic manipulation occurred “Do what is most useful and This article is an extract from “Genetic engi- water supplies over vast areas have May 2000) can be found at dorothymy- in February 1997 when Dolly the makes you happiest. neering; are the Scientists trying to play become polluted. There has been a [email protected]. sheep, cloned from a ewe’s udder Work for the greatest good or God” in The Herald (Guildford Diocesan frightening increase in the incidence of cell, was introduced to the world. greatest happiness for the great- newspaper), No 156, February 2001 childhood blood diseases and birth Green Week Planner MONDAY – 7:30pm Main Union Stage Chocolate for every team. All the usual UNION – GO GREEN IN STYLE and THURSDAY – Green Fair Trade PLUS all week there will be Green – Presentation by GAIN and University rounds plus three extra ‘Green’ rounds WIN A BIKE (by completing the cross- Environmental Fair 10-3, Main Union Ribbons available from the Main Union expert Prof. Roland Clift on incineration all with additional ‘Green’ prizes. word published in Barefacts. Deadline Dance Floor – Stalls by Tradecraft, reception and around campus – spread and the proposal for Slyfield (with pos- 11.30 pm Wednesday night). £1 off WWF, Greenpeace, GAIN, Animal the word, think Green, and use this as sible contributions from Thames Waste WEDNESDAY – 7pm LTJ - usual entry fee if you are wearing a Rights campaigners and more! Free a week to launch your own Green Management). Organic beer available! Presentation on Animal Rights, anti-vivi- ‘Green ribbon’. How much organic Fair Trade tea and coffee all day. Initiatives, be it recycling in your halls, section, Vegetarian and beer can you drink? Beat the Greensoc 7:30pm Main Union Stage – sharing a lift to work, eating fair trade TUESDAY – 7:30pm for 8:00pm Veganism by Monica Lilley. team! Challenge the Rugby team! Presentation by Greenpeace and chocolate….. Chancellors – ‘Green Chancellors Come in Green and see the Union all in WWF on current campaigns and Challenge’ with free Fair Trade WEDNESDAY NIGHT OUT IN THE Green. Drink it Green on Organic Beer! issues. Organic beer available! BE GREAT – BE GREEN! Greensoc 08/03/01 5 The Down Sides of Pesticides Did you know that over half cancers, deformity in unborn children sive production method that often the fruit and veg we buy in supermar- and infertility. Or they may cause imme- accompany their use results in a num- kets comes with a pesticide dressing? diate symptoms such as sickness, ber of other costs – soil erosion which Even low levels of pesticide residues in headaches and vision disorders. Or clogs up waterways, degraded soil foods can have serious effects, espe- you may just die. quality, loss of natural nutrients creating cially on vulnerable groups such as In the 1980’s, the Pesticide a dependence on further chemical use, babies and children. A report produced Action Network (PAN) drew up a list of etc. this year by Friends of the Earth inves- the 12 most dangerous pesticides that In developing regions chemi- tigated pesticide residual content of fruit they sought to ban. Of these, four cals are used by multinationals, encour- and vegetable samples from all the remain in use today, others have been aging traditional farmers to do the same leading supermarkets and this is the developed, and some are so persistent in order to either compete with their result: in the environment (i.e. build up in soils yields, or work for the companies – it is and waterways rather than decompos- a choice between that and going out of Asda 54% ing or dispersing) that there are still business. The chemicals are expensive Marks and Spencer 68% residues in our food supplies. and many small-scale farmers can Safeway 53% Toxic chemicals sprayed barely afford them. There are few, if any Sainsbury’s 54% onto crops soak into the soil where they controls on the use of hazardous pesti- Somerfield 70% may accumulate or infiltrate deeper or cides and the users generally know all organic foods yourself, there are at a lower cost, and reducing the harm- Tesco 54% wash off into water systems. River life is nothing of the risks attached. Basically a ways you can influence the situation, ful impacts of pesticide use and inten- effected – eutrophication (nutrient lose-lose situation. and as more organic crops are pro- sive farming. Before pesticides were intro- enrichment) leads dead lakes such as There are other options. duced, the prices will come down. The duced, farmers used natural methods has happened in the Norfolk Broads, Recent changes in public opinion have Organic Food and Farming Bill aims to Write to Nick St.Aubyn asking his views. to control crop pests and diseases. Use and polluted waterways, devoid of fish led to increased demand for organic have 30% of UK farmland concerted Encourage him to support the Bill by of chemicals aims to maximise crop or animal life. There have also been foods (foods produced without use of and certified as ‘organic’ by 2010. At the signing the Parliamentary Petition yields by making growth and control instances of contamination of domestic any chemical) and this is a market that moment 70% of our organic food is EDM51, and if he is not in favour, lobby more predictable, faster, and with high- water supplies resulting from pesticide is increasing every year. Organic farm- imported, which adds to the consumers him until he is! er yields, therefore making greater prof- use, such as Collaton in Devon. ing practices rely on traditional methods costs and transportation has it’s own its. But at what costs and are there alter- It is not just crops that are of pest control and soil quality mainte- quality and environmental disadvan- Buy organic as much as you can – as natives? The World Health effected – once pesticides get into the nance – attracting natural aphid tages. Besides, why should the UK well as eliminating the risks of pesticide Organisation estimates that annually food chain they become more and removers in the form of ladybirds, crop continue with the effects of pesticides in related ills organic foods over 3 million people are poisoned due more concentrated the higher up you rotation to protect soils by allowing them our soils and food chains while support- tend to be fresher, with higher nutrition- to pesticide use and over 200,000 die. look. Thus chemical residues used on time to recover nutrient supplies, using ing their absence in other countries? al value, and better flavour. A win-win Other estimates suggest the number of fodder crops (produced for animal good-old chicken manure to enhance Why not just produce our own!? The Bill situation. agricultural workers poisoned every foods) get into meat and onto the growth. There is a whole range of non- will address areas of research, infra- year could be as high as 25 million! human dinner plate in carnivorous deli- harmful methods to keep the crops structure and marketing needs related Write to Tony Blair urging him to encour- Pesticides may build up in cacies. growing well and our foods healthy and to organicising our countryside, making age the Bill through Parliament. the body causing permanent, long-term Pesticides break down the chemical free. organic farming more profitable, pro- IT’S MORE HUMANIC TO GO and degenerative illnesses such as natural structure of soils, and the inten- Even if you can’t afford to but ducing organic foods on a greater scale ORGANIC!

Roll UP, Roll UP! Suspending Your Money In An Eco-

Loo roll – effectively some- Since shorter fibres are a requirement their own brand last Autumn. (“Why?”, Manor thing we buy simply to throw away of tissue paper, loo roll makes an excel- we ask – it was very competitively again. Also a product that is the subject lent use, at the same time creating a priced, good quality and came on more Poorly insulated and energy inefficient have been replaced with organic and of many jokes and ‘amusing’ com- larger market demand for paper to economic ‘double-length’ rolls…..) homes contribute to around 50% of natural paints – all non-toxic and with- ments questioning its quality. In many recycle. Even forests managed and Other supermarkets, Sainsbury’s and this countries carbon dioxide output – out petro-chemicals and harmful sol- instances all criticisms are invalid, or endorsed by the Forest Stewardship Safeway for example, also have their in other words, quite a lot. And the vents. can be applied equally accurately to Council are not altogether in the best own recycled brands, but the overall more inefficient we are, the more CO2 Of course, alterations like many brands of ‘virgin’ loo roll – at the interests of the environment. While they best buys from an ethical and environ- we create, causing more global warm- this are far from cheap, and the family end of the day you only get the quality may be controlled in such a that felled mental view are Essential and Suma ing, needing more air has spent around £50,000 on the that you pay for, and there is no reason trees are replaced, the species planted which are usually only available in conditioning/heating, demanding more house – a figure beyond the reaches of why the recycled option should be any are fast growing spruce and non-native health food stores – or else there is energy, generating more CO2…….. A many families. But, they have also less soft, absorbent, quilted or prettily varieties, changing the natural forest Tradecraft’s own version ‘Luxury vicious circle. halved their water consumption, and coloured than any other type – and it ecosystem that would otherwise cover Recycled Toilet Tissue’ which will be So a family in Nottingham reduced their energy requirement to isn’t! our counrtyside. In addition, recycled available at the Green Week Fair Trade have committed themselves to an just a third of what it was. In the long- There are many reasons tissue is less likely to have been Fair on Thursday. Incidentally, maybe energy efficient lifestyle and complete- term, these both constitute significant why the consumer should be support- bleached with chlorine, which has envi- the ‘Economy’ or ‘Value’ packs may ly re-fitted their 5-bedroomed Victorian savings. As they say, they were envi- ing recycled toilet tissue. Firstly, it ronmental risks and also health risks look like a bargain in comparison, have house in an eco-retro manner. ronmentally not economically motivat- reduces the amount of virgin wood pulp when you consider the intimate func- you ever noticed how much faster you The first step was to thoroughly insu- ed, showing people what it is possible needed, thereby reducing deforesta- tion loo roll plays! get through the rolls as opposed to buy- late the whole building using ozone- to achieve in terms of minimising your tion. The last 5% of ancient So, what to buy, and where ing a slightly better quality product? friendly foam in the walls and a recy- environmental impact. At the end of the Scandinavian forest is currently being to buy it? Personally, the current ‘fave’ Ethical Consumer Magazine cled paper version in the roof space. day, it is all a case of priorities. If you chopped down to provide paper to the in our house is Nouvelle (£1.75 for 4 carried out a critical survey into the loo The house will be sufficiently heated by want to see a change you have to UK – we are one of the worlds greatest long rolls) which happens at the roll companies, and the ir results can be the families own body heat, the sun make it yourself as the government paper consumers. The paper recycling moment to be the only recycled option summarised in the following table; through the windows, and by any heat and authorities are not going to do it for process shortens the fibres of paper. available in Tesco since they stopped given off by other electrical appliances you! around the house. No need for any The house holds open days form of central heating as the overall to educate the public on the interior Green Competition heat loss is so minimal. A solar hot workings of the house and how all this water heating unit provides enough hot can be achieved. They have also Win a Bike! Protects us from harmful rays (5,5) water for the family all summer, and established a website that details all the All you need to do to win is to complete the crossword Renewable energy source (4) 50% throughout the year. work on the house so far. Check it out and be the first to be drawn from the hat at midnight Collected rainwater, stored at on Wednesday night in the Students Union! Send your entries to Greensoc pigeon hole in the in two huge tanks in the cellar, is used www.msarch.co.uk/ecohome/tour.html Entries must be received by Greensoc by 11:30pm union with your name, address, phone number and in the house’s three low-flush loos, – maybe you can’t do it yourself, but Wednesday so we can check your answers (and find email. washing machine and even a garden there are serious initiatives here that a hat……..) 1There will also be a runners-up prize for tap. Also in the cellar is a sturdy con- we can all learn from and explore. the Greatest Green Initiative (this winner will be crete composting chamber, home to announced after the event) – so get on your thinking thousands of keenly digesting worms heads and conquer the crossword! and biota that break down all the household waste, including solid toilet Across: waste, to produce a rich compost used Tropical rainforest in Brazil (6) in the garden. Because of the rapid A fab society at UniS (8) decomposition it also only needs to be Poisoned (8) emptied every three years. The third ‘R’ (7) As far as the interior design Without chemicals (7) and decor goes, all the old paint and Down: wall-coverings were removed and Biologically changed [abrv.] (2) Christian Union Survey 6 08/03/01 What are the beliefs and influences of the modern student? Does anyone believe in any- dictable) difference. Who is Jesus? - Overall Answers thing anymore? The What the lads thought The guys who took Christian Union decided to was important part in the survey don’t know other try and find out. 1. Academic Studies rated both sex and good man legend/myth If you live on campus, then a cou- sport as greater con- ple of weeks ago you may have 2. Career cerns to students than con man 3. Friendship the environment, had a visit from a couple of religious lunatic Christian Union (CU) members 4. Debt whereas girls thought with a questionnaire about your 5. Family Issues the environment was teacher/prophet beliefs. They may have promised more important. that the results would be published 6. Sex Academic studies was in barefacts, well after a couple of 7. Image the greatest concern weeks waiting, here they are. 8. Sport for both sexes, per- haps proving that not The questionnaire was part of the 9. Environment all students are here CU's Mark Identity mission week 10. Spirituality to laze around and go out partying. that took place in weeks 5, with fol- 11. Other Son of God low-up events in week 6. The aim of the mission week was to give a The Girls opinion Influence from out- free copy of Mark's gospel to 1. Academic Studies side Who is Jesus? - The Guy’s Answers everyone who was interested and The second question wanted a copy to read for them- 2. Friendship asked students to rate don’t know other selves. Then if they had questions 3. Career how much various dif- good man legend/myth or wanted to know more, there 4. Debt ferent factors had were several discussion groups influenced their own con man 5. Family Issues and seminars organised in the fol- spiritual beliefs. Four religious lunatic low-up week. 6. Image of the categories (par- The intention behind the question- 7. Environment ents, friends, formal teacher/prophet naire was to ask every student on 8. Sex education and previ- campus about their beliefs, in addi- ous religious experi- tion to asking as many off-campus 9. Sport ence) got mostly mid- students as possible. The final total 10. Spirituality dle-of-the-road of responses was 625, quite a few 11. Other answers (about 3 out less than was hoped for. This was of 6). The survey largely due to lots of people being Students Concerns seems to disprove the out when the CU members came The first question asked the popular theory that TV Son of God round (on Mon, Tues and Weds respondent to say what they is a big impression on evening) and also the fact that thought were the greatest con- young people with some court wardens would not allow cerns of students today. The 61% saying that the Who is Jesus? - The Girl’s Answers the CU to knock on doors in their responses from the guys were sim- media had little or no court. The 625 responses were ilar to the girls, although there was influence (rating 0 or 1 don’t know other made up of 300 lads and 325 lasses. one main (and possibly pre- out of 6) on their good man legend/myth beliefs. Personal con- con man To what extent have you investigated clusions received the the historical evidence for Jesus? Ratings highest rating, so the religious lunatic given in students asked, seem response to be thinking about teacher/prophet to question things for themselves when it comes to spir- itual beliefs, rather than relying on the ideas and/or beliefs of others.

Who is Jesus? Son of God Up next was the ques- tion - Who do you Investigation of Jesus a fairly even spread across all the think Jesus is? Many people's Not many people said that they possible answers for both sexes. response to this question was that had (or were not willing to admit to About 6% said they had read all of How much of Jesus’ teaching have Jesus is the Son of God (about having) researched the Jesus' teaching (which is con- 46% of guys and 54% historical evidence about tained in the four Gospels at the you read for yourself? Ratings Girls rate the given in of girls said this). The the ministry of Jesus. Far beginning of the New Testament of second most popular environment response more of those who the Bible). A further 16% said that to question was teacher/prophet, higher than sex answered the question- they had not read any of the then legend/myth and naire went for mid-range, non-com- Gospels. These were the people good man. Three students mital responses, as can be seen who the CU's mission week was responded to the question by say- on the diagrams. designed to reach, by giving them ing that they thought Jesus was a a copy of Mark's Gospel, enabling religious lunatic and five (out of the Read the Bible? them to read at least some of 625 questioned) said they viewed Finally, everyone was asked "how Jesus' teaching. Jesus as a con man. Also 16 were much of Jesus' teaching have you not sure, one thought Jesus was read for yourself?" The average for Thanks to all who helped to do this just a clever bloke and another the answers given was just below research by asking questions, said He was a magician. 3, again rated out of 6. There was answering them and compiling results.

Do you want to become a Millennium Volunteer? email: [email protected] Fetish Night Pics This Week in barearts: Computer Games Music Reviews, OFU & GU2 Music 8 08/03/01 Music News Shaggy, it definitely is him “Nothing ever lasts for ever” sang Echo & shots were fired? It’s gripping stuff, if only The Bunnymen, and they were right. Atomic because the prosecution and defence are Kitten’s four week run at the top is over, telling totally different stories. Mr Puff beaten down to second place by the unstop- escaped any injury during the alleged inci- pable Shaggy with, “It Wasn’t Me”. First dent, we can only guess as to what a tribute week sales for Shaggy topped 300,000 record would have sounded like if he’d died. showing that the single is anything but a Surely rapping over his rap over an old dying format. Police track would have epitomised the Michael Jackson flew into the country last extent of his talent. Tuesday to talk at Oxford University on one Dr Dreand Metallica files are still paddling of his favourite subjects, children. The utter- around the cyber swimming pool that is ly disputed “king of pop” is currently giving Napster despite assurances from the swap- talks about the lack of love in the world for ping service that they would filter all illegal children and is urging society to change in files out of the system. Even though Napster response to this. Quite how this can be done have promised to clean up their illegal deal- hasn’t been totally formalised by Jacko yet, ings they still face legal actions from the although it no doubt involves monkeys and majority of the “big 5” music companies. not sleeping with your wife. Lastly, it has become clear that Ronan Sean “Puffy” Combs is still in the dock. Keating will not be taking part in the pro- pounds to the band. Needless to say that the ment. Don’t worry guys, you say it best when Did he fire a gun, did he respond to abuse, posed Boyzonetour, effectively canceling it. other members are less than happy with the you say nothing at all! was he anywhere near the club when the The tour was reputed to be worth 3 million decision, although they won’t publicly com- Andrew Thomas Competition Time!!! Alas poor competition, I knew him well. Welcome to this week’s page. Once again I appear to be somewhat competing for space, so I’ll keep it brief. Well done to Daniel Bashford for winning the cocktail shaker, ‘Sex on a beach’ is peach snaps, gilliano, vodka and orange juice. Well done also to Emma James, who won the other two prizes, she picked up the Lenny Henry tickets for deciding that he is married to Dawn French and the 6 FNO tickets (for tomorrow) for saying that her one wish would be ‘free entry to the union for as long as I’m a stu- dent’. Well, at least we can make that one wish come true for one night. This week, Levellers tickets, two bottles of vodka and 6 FNO tickets to give away, so why go anywhere else? As usual all entries in to [email protected] by 5pm Monday 12th March, editor’s decision is final. Win The Levellers Tickets

As advertised in a very fine and well- written column last week, I have two tickets to see the Levellers at the Guildford Civic on Tuesday 20th March. Fancy them, well answer this question:

Which week are we currently cele- brating?

Freshers Week International Week Graduation Week

Win a bottle of Vodka?

Those nice chaps at Smirnoff have given me not one but two bottles of their red labelled vodka to give away,if you want one just answer this really really really easy ques- tion:

Which country is famous for drinking vodka?

Russia Wales Scotland

Win 6 FNO tickets

Do you want 6 FNO tickets for Friday 16th March, with no queuing? Do you? Well you can,just answer the following question in the funniest, wittiest and most original way you can.

What is your favourite pastime and why? GU2 08/03/01 9 March 14 University of Surrey Main Union

Cream and present CreamLive Tall Paul Yousef Meeker James Zabiela £4 before 10:30 £5 after 10:30 Guests £7

Over 18s only. Photo ID required. Entrance maybe subject to search.

For full listings go to www.cream.co.uk

www. checkyourlife. com

Music Reviews 12 08/03/01

time is now. 8/10 S.R. SUNNA – I’m not trading (Melankolic) Single of the Week Sunna return with another release from their Singles incendiary debut ‘One minute science’ and I DAFT PUNK - personally think that it’s the best song off the Aerodynamic (Virgin) album. Although in a weird time signature, Pure eccentric vibes pul- EVERLAST FEAT. B-REAL - Deadly this is rick that you can’t help nodding along sate from the netherworld Assassins (Tommy Boy) to as you listen to it in the comfort of your B-Real from Cypress Hill contributes to this of the Daft Punk realm to world. 7/10 O.H. ominous floor stomp of a rap. Basic in exercise the sounds of arrangement it struggles to build on it’s initial PLEXIQ - Criminal Arts (Clearspot) ‘One More Time’ in this impact but this is still one for the chilled Taking elements of rock and lumbering futuristic soundscape. 8/10 moments on the dancefloor. 8/10 A.T. dance this comes across as Papa Roach K.M covering Primal Scream. Though Interesting Terris – Fabricated Lunacy (Bianco Y to listen to, it’s not particularly attention grab- Negro) bing. 7/10 A.T. NME darlings Terris return after a year of nothingness with new single ‘Fabricated FRANCOIZ BREUT - Vingt a Trente Mille selle) its an open and varied collection of 8:58 – The Weakest Linc (Riveria) Lunacy’. Is it worth the wait you may ask, Jours (bellacd25) songs with a distinctively french taste, a If tacky dance songs with amazingly cheesy well with its swagger and stomping melody This is Francois’ third album, ( in case any unique fusion of french cool and desolate lines are your kind of vibe, full steam ahead Terris have perhaps been waiting and matur- of you are wondering Francois is a madmoi- americana. 5/10 J.F. old boy! You are going to love this! 4/10 J.H. ing their talents till the time is right. And that

hop vocals, and its sheer bounciness; the album has one big downfall – aren’t you all a bit tired of rappers going on Album of the Week Albums about their weed, fast cars and sexy PAPA ROACH – Infest girls? 6/10 J.H. (Dreamworks) Although no-one’s heard of FIGHTCRANK – Beyond All KRISTIN HERSH - Sunny Border Blue them before, this is Papa Reasonable Doubt (Copasetik) (4AD) th Ranging from break-beat folk, influ- Roach’s 5 album, although This is sweet singing original composi- their first on a major label. This enced by the Folk Implosion, to subtle tion with some praiseworthy songs like soul and lo-fi indie (see Mojave 3), with album is churning, angry rock “Spain”. The album is a little quiet but at it’s greatest. Big, heavy gui- collaborations from Lee Perry and ‘The for all of you who have heard and like Very’ Mad Professor, this is one of those tars; solid drums; and a singer this young lady then I doubt you’ll be whose shouts are so powerful rare CDs you actually adore on the first disappointed. On the whole a good listen… Extremely good 8/10 O.C. he can’t have recorded this album, above average. Blue candy. album without shredding 6/10 C.H. FUN LOVIN CRIMINALS – Loco something in his throat. To put (Chrysalis) POPWIRE - Compilation no. 3 (S.P.A) on at a party, this album rocks. But sit down, put on a pair of The kings of coo-oo-ool are back with This is a collection of songs from the another album full of laid back grooves. student press association which to try headphones and listen to the album. It takes on a whole new They claim to have tried to go back to and get bands and artists through to the the style of fun, sing-a-long writing that public. They are relying heavily on a dimension. It’s powerful and emotive and comes across so made their debut, ‘Come find yourself’ web site popwire.com and this and such a smash. I beg to differ. There’s future compilation cds to try and get much better. The lyrics are all about Coby (Dick, singer)’s unhappy childhood. This is a great album from a band nothing in this album that stands out some of these artists heard. Are they and screams “LISTEN TO ME”. It’s an worth listening to? Well the answer is who could go VARY far in the rock world. As long as he doesn’t turn into another Jonathon Davis by moaning all the bloody time about his unhappiness, I’ll be fol- album that you put on and switch off to, some of them do. There’s all sorts of only aware of it’s presence from the fact styles here on the cd including, well lowing them. 8/10 O.H. that you feel yourself completely relax- dance, techno, ballads: a healthy mix- ing and drifting into a world of your own. ture which I’d say for anyone looking for another with some songs which sound I wasn’t as impressed as I was by ‘come new stuff, listen to it or checkout the like they should be in a musical. “The find yourself’, but I’m impressed all the web site. 5/10 J.F. albulm sleeve picks up the theme- a girl This week’s reviews brought top you by: same. 7/10 O.H. and her guy behind the wheel of a Buick Owen Hazelby, Andy Thomas, Simon SANDY DILLON - East Overshoe caught in the glare of a flashbulb by a Robinson, Juan Fanals, James NELLY GRAMMAR – Country This is one hell of a weird record. This photographer who might as well be a Hemmingway, Oliver Chamero, Christian Grammar lady has been doing theatre for along wegee looking like their on the lam”. No Hunter This is NME’s ‘album of the year so time and you can sort of feel it in this I didn’t enjoy it and no I wouldn’t buy it , far’…while this album has definitely record. It goes from one extreme to but hey, who knows somebody might some very good points, like its laid hip enjoy it….. 3/10 C.H.

Coming this Sunday to USSU... The Mau Maus! The Mau Maus: a London based four-piece who take the steamroller disco sequencers, strobes and coke-like snorts sounds of seventies glam rock and disco and give them a of Chic-type strings coming atcha like something from Robot 21st century twist. Wars, it's rank with the sleazy smell of the new club culture The band formed in 1998 when vocalist Peter De Havilland of London and began working with former Wildhearts guitarist CJ on the New York. Soiled, tacky and tacked together from cast-off score to the (banned) drug information movie Drugworld. bits of pop past, this somehow manages to come up funky The band is completed by drummer Pat Walters - you may fresh.’ have seen him playing a bodhrán during Ross’ wedding on Organ said ‘The Mau Maus just might have got near to Friends - and bassist James Bales, formerly of Bernard something so many have been trying to touch for what Butler’s band. seems like ages and ages’ and suggested that ‘Anthemic The Mau Maus released Disco Suxx, their debut single in addiction’ was ‘guaranteed’. February, instantly receiving much praise. NME described The Guardian suggested you should buy the single if ‘you the Mau Maus sound as ‘the bastardised, many-headed off- would love to stomp round your room yelling ‘Disco Suxx!!’ spring of ELO, Alice Cooper, Sylvester and The Human to a storming electro-pop soundtrack and the bewilderment League among others’ and added that the song ‘with its of passers-by.’ Computer games & OFU 08/03/01 13

Intro Barefacts Pipe to the Gaming World This area is aimed at all you students out there who spend lots of time twiddling your [PLATFORM] 129 thumbs (on analogue sticks!). Hopefully you will find the short articles of interest. I'm no expert, but simply enjoy gaming. If anyone can contribute via the form of reviews, com- ments, letters etc...don't hesitate to send them to: [email protected] . Enjoy...

Sega Saga

Upon reporting the news of Sega's step down from console manufacture I was happy to receive an email from a passionate Sega fan. For those of you who failed to read the previous [PLATFORM] 129 and have no clue of what's going on in the gaming world; Sega, famous for its 16 bit Megadrive, have stepped down from console development. Last issue I branded the Saturn (previous Sega console) as an 'unsuccessful exploit'. Richard Benson (Stage manager / Sega pro) was quick to contact me with his view: "Firstly, the Saturn was a success- ful enough console. It appealed to the hardcore gamers, but unfortunately for Sega, not to the casual gamers that the Playstation snapped up. It was hard to develop for and was pri- marily a 2D machine (at which it was unmatched even by Playstation). But how can you count out Virtua Fighter 2, for example. A breakthrough game, which looked and played incred- ibly, as did Fighters Megamix. The Saturn was always for the hardcore gamer, they are the people that bought it, it was Sony's marketing decision to make the Playstation a machine for people who had never played computer games before, that caused the Saturn to not perform as well." Ok, so who owned a Saturn? Who is a hardcore gamer? The Saturn was a "2D powerhouse in a 3D world" say Edge magazine, "Saturn was a technical nightmare for developers. Playstation, however, was not…" Its simple to conclude here that Sega made a mis- take. Yet once again we are reminded, by Richard, that their software development is, and has always been, top notch. Shifting attention to the Dreamcast, and its financial loss, I stat- ed: "The underlying problem came from bad publisher support." "Hardcore gamers never caught the wind…" These comments came under quick scrutiny when Richard replied: "…the financial loss you speak of was not caused by bad publisher support, it was because Sega sold the Dreamcast at a loss" "The hardcore gamers bought it, not as many of the casual gamers did." "But it was far more popular than the Saturn and Sega didn't run out of stock when it was launched…" Once again, who is a hardcore gamer? Are all Sega fans anti Sony!?! I have to disagree here. I still believe that publisher support was the main let down. Sony's PS2 was on its way. Publishers could see that the public was willing to forget the Dreamcast and wait. Who wants to spend big money on a machine that's short lived (they knew Sega would pull out). Fair enough, loads of games are still coming out for the platform and Sega's support is still there, but I wouldn't invest in it as a publisher. The Dreamcast will live on: "Sega have huge stockpiles of machines waiting to be released." "..as many as 100 new games are to be released this year." "..the DC will return in a different form. As a set top box. Sega have been working with Pace Micro-Technology…" says Richard. I also stand firm with my comment: "Don't be surprised to see Sonic rise from the dead, and into the Xbox!" One last bone to pick with Richard, who was angry that I had excluded the Dreamcast from the 'next gen' line up. The Dreamcast is " a super-powerful 64-bit machine" says gamespot.com, so let the argument continue…

Yes, Sega's representative is below as before, so please email me ([email protected]) with your choice, as to who will be the leader of the 'next-gen' console battle: 1 2 3 4 5

Classic

This week, time has been taken up with Transport Tycoon Deluxe. Manage your transport company to success. Buy up rival companies. Run air, train and road services and make mil- lions. Great fun!! This game is available for the PC. You need a low spec Pentium.

[PLATFORM] 129 Supported By Contact : Dan Mascall : [email protected]

A Saucer of Milk at Table Two, please

Sternly refusing to write the word cryogenic suspension, only to be Cinema shall be showing Orson dio and long-thought lost, this is a Theatre G at 8pm this Wednesday. "shagadelic" more than once, this thawed out, with 60s attitudes and Welles' "The Magnificent fairly exclusive opportunity to see week OFU bring you the more-fun- 60s libido intact. Ambersons", the evocative portrait one of the most mythologised films [column by Tzoq] than-a-barrel-of-greased-gerbils On his release, he proceeds of the decline of a grand Southern in cinematic history University Arts Mike Myers flick, "Austin Powers 2: much as before, shagging and family that saw his fall-from-grace Cinema will be showing "The The Spy Who Shagged Me". wisecracking his way through his in Hollywood. Butchered by its stu- Magnificent Ambersons" in Lecture For anyone who hasn't seen the arch-nemesis Dr. Evil's army of original film, a brief recap; Austin secret agents, henchmen, and Powers is a British secret agent fembots with .306 calibre nipples. last seen in action in the late That was "International Man Of 1960s. James Bond in green Mystery". In "The Spy Who velour socks, he was placed in Shagged Me", it's more of the same. Austin's fearless pursuit of Dr. Evil has taken him back in time to the 60s once more, teaming up with Felicity Shagwell (Heather Graham) to bring the evil overlord to his knees. The relentless pursuit of sex and/or massive tits; midgets; eat- ing babies; family therapy for crim- inal masterminds; James Bonb films. All of human experience is in this film. And ignorance of your culture is never considered cool. OFU will be showing "Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me" in Lecture Theatre G at 8pm this Sunday. Meanwhile, University Arts

International Page 08/03/01 15 International Week Continued continued from page 1... given the honour of hosting the smoke itself was very pleasant “Credit should be given to all proud. If the week continues like The Afro-Caribbean tables saw tournament, and although we’re with a cherry aftertaste, and yes it societies but especially to Latin this it will be the best ever.” posters showing their heritage on not expecting to win the cup, we was perfectly legal. America and Korean who both the wall, with a selection of tradi- think we’ll do quite well.” So all in all a fantastic evening were only formed last week. Many tional foods and the obligatory The Latin America society with loads of free food and drink on thanks to all societies; they all did rum-punch. They also showed excelled themselves with their offer. My thanks do go to Susie their countries and the university videos of some of their rapping food, including Arepas, aWestwell for pointing out that I stars as an example of more Venezuelan corn based food con- should stop eating as my belly was Hellenic Society recent times. taining cheese and various nachos expanding before she tucked into The Korean society had a video and dips. The Asian, Palestine and her ninth waffle. Afterwards, and leaflets about their country on Iranian societies also had an array barefacts spoke to next year’s display, in particular a number of of sweets and dishes from their President Adam Jakeway, “It’s brochures about the 2002 World countries, together with some wonderful to see so many of my Cup, which South Korea will be ornaments to show their heritage. friends so proud of their heritage. If jointly hosting with Japan. One of The Malaysian society produced only they handed out recipes as their members told barefacts, Cute Rice to go with their chicken well as food.” “We’re very proud to have been curry, peanut sauce and Ropi Lucy Andrews who as VP Canai Bread. They also had Onde Societies and Culture was Onde for desert and Air Bandung, involved in the organisation of the a sweet drink made from the juices night, spoke afterwards of her of the meat, as a beverage. The delight at seeing it all go well, “I am Saudi Arabian society was writing thoroughly proud of everybody’s peoples names into Arabic. efforts and absolutely amazed at NORSOC (representing all the the food, costumes and displays Scandinavian countries) put on a by all the societies. All the VIP’s buffet to challenge Hellenic. They I’ve spoken to were amazed at the Norsoc Society had Norwegian cheese, smoked diversity this university has and salmon and fish soup, Finnish dark how well we enjoy it all. I think all bread and Lapinkulta Beer (which the people in the union were fit to translated means Darling of burst with all the food but it was Lapland), Danish red sausages great to see everybody enjoying it. and beer (Carlsberg) and Swedish “My personal favourites were meatballs, cookies and waffles. Hellenic for their amazing display The table was hosted by girls that of food, especially the French one VIP described as ‘the four best bread with the garlic sauce, Susie looking girls in the Union’. and I went back for eighths and The Egyptian society took a dif- Norsoc for their meatballs and waf- ferent slant with a Shis-shar being fles. I’d like to thank Mona used by visitors, so I was forced to (Sahlabadi – International enter into a photo opportunity Students Chairperson) and the The Deptuy Mayor Cllr which will doubtless come back to international office for their help haunt me some time in my life. The and support. Recipes from Jamaica

Jamaican ¼ cup soy sauce Preheat an outdoor grill tity of dry spices. 1 cup coconut milk Jerk ¾ cup white vinegar Remove the breasts from the 2 lbs. Potatoes, peeled and diced Chicken ½ cup orange juice marinade and grill for 6 minutes on 6-8 cups steamed rice Juice of 1 lime each side or until fully cooked. Jamican Mango chutney, coconut milk and Makes: 1 scotch bonnet pepper While grilling, baste with the mari- Curried yoghurt to garnish 4 servings 1 chopped white onion nade. Chicken 3 green onions, finely chopped Heat the leftover marinade and In a stew pot, heat the vegetable Ingredients: 4 chicken breasts (6-8 oz each) fat serve on the side for dipping. Makes: oil. Add the garlic, scallions, pep- 1 tbs. ground allspice trimmed off NOTE: This recipe is as listed in 6 servings per, curry, allspice and ginger and 1 tbs. dried thyme the cookbook. Personally, I would cook for a few minutes. Add the 1½ tsp. Cayenne pepper In a large bowl, combine the all- NEVER heat the leftover marinade Ingredients: chicken and simmer, covered on 1½ tsp. Freshly ground black pep- spice, thyme, cayenne pepper, and serve on the side for dipping, 2 medium sized frying chickens low heat about 10 minutes. Add per black pepper, sage, nutmeg, cin- especially something that you 3 tbs. vegetable oil the coconut milk and potatoes and 1½ tsp. Ground sage namon, salt, garlic powder and have marinated poultry in. A much 2 cloves of garlic, chopped continue to cook for 30-40 min- ¾ tsp. Ground nutmeg sugar. With a whisk, slowly add the better idea would be to reserve 2 scallions, chopped utes. Serve hot over steamed rice ¾ tsp. Ground cinnamon olive oil, soy sauce, vinegar, some of the marinade (BEFORE ½ tsp. pepper with a selection of condiments 2 tbs. salt orange juice and lime juice. Add you put the chicken in) and save it 1 tbs. curry powder such as mango chutney, coconut 2 tbs. garlic powder the Scotch bonnet pepper, onion for serving. 1 tsp allspice milk and yoghurt. 1 tbs. sugar and green onion and mix well. Add This recipe is not as hot as you 1 inch piece ginger, peeled and ¼ cup olive oil the chicken breasts, cover and would find it in Jamaica. For the finely chopped marinate for at least 1 hour. authentic flavour, double the quan-

Food for Thought A Taste Of Senegal

Puff-Puff (I've heard that if you use quick- in the oil, sort of in the shape of a Caramel Bananas (Senegal) dish. Spoon 3-4 tbs. caramel rising yeast, you don't have to ball. sauce over bananas. Sprinkle 1- Makes: 40-60 balls wait, but I've not tried it yet). 6) Fry for a few minutes until the Makes: 8 protions (1/2 banana 2tsp. Chopped peanuts over 3) Put vegetable oil in a pot, until it bottom side is golden brown. each) caramel sauce. Ingredients: is at least 2 inches (about 5 cen- 7) Turn the ball over and fry for a 2 cups (or about ½ litre) flour timetres) high (too little will result few more minutes until the other In a small pot heat: 2 cups (or about ½ litre) water in flatter balls), and place on low side is golden brown. ½ cup (or about an eighth of a heat. 8) Use a large spoon or something ½ cup WHITE sugar litre) sugar 4) Test to make sure the oil is hot like that to take it out of the oil. I 1 cup LIGHT BROWN sugar 2 teaspoons yeast enough by putting a 'drop' of batter usually place them on napkins 3 tbs. evaporated milk Some vegetable oil into the oil. If it is not hot enough, right away to soak up some of the 2 tbs. butter the batter will stay at the bottom of excess oil. 1) Mix the flour, sugar, water, and the pot rather than rising to the 9) If desired, you can roll the fin- Cook until sugar caramelises (i.e. yeast together until the batter is top. ished product in table sugar to melts and starts to turn brown). smooth. 5) When the oil is hot enough, use make it sweeter. Stir in 2oz. of white rum and cool. 2) Wait until the dough has risen. a spoon to dish up the batter, and Slice 4 bananas, arranging ½ About 2½ hours or so should do. another spoon or spatula to drop it banana per person in compote Lifestyle 16 08/03/01

Dr Russ

Dear Russ with a blank sheet of paper Generally speaking, people With the "old boy network", and write down the names of love giving advice. They are jobs often came to people on a A friend told me that she all the people you know who also usually happy to talk plate, but then, they didn't nec- got her job by network- are in any way connected with about their own work, unless, essarily end up doing some- ing. What is this and how the kind of work or the kind of of course, they're going thing they really wanted to. does it work? employer you have in mind. through a bad patch at the The modern equivalent is Try using your Christmas card time! Gradually, you pick up harder work, but at least you Dear Christina list, relatives, friends of the information about the overall remain in control and when family, contacts made through recruitment situation. They something finally turns up, you Networking is really only an your Professional year, mem- might even invite you for lunch feel as if you've really earned abbreviation for what started bers of academic staff and so or a drink after work so you it. life as the "old boy network". on. can talk for longer. Better still, Equal opportunities policies they might know someone and enlightened recruitment The next step is simple in con- else who could help you even Russ Clark practices have fortunately con- cept, but a bit threatening in more. And so your network of Careers Service signed that particular form of practice. You need to contact contacts grows. Eventually job-hunting largely to the past. as many of the people on your one of these might mention a But it lives on in a new form list as possible. Let them specific vacancy which you which is a lot fairer and just as know the kind of work you're could apply for, or they might effective. looking for and then ask them be able to offer you a period of how they would advise you to work experience. This is how it works. Sit down go about job-hunting. AGM’s GMR 7.30pm Final Years In Campus Nightline PAKISTAN STUDENTS Nightline ASSOCIATION Week 9 Wed 6pm ASSOCIATION Venue tbc Accommodation Monday 12th March - In response to recent comments distance will be decided when the one subsequently needing to seek 6.30pm LTB Canoe Club Canoe Club and last week's letter in Barefacts total number of applications is housing off campus. For example, Wednesday Week 10, Atheletics regarding Campus known. Students on placement or a student home address is actual- 1pm Haris' Bar Accommodation (or lack of) for studying within the qualifying dis- ly in spain but who is doing his 15th March some final year students this year, tance will be eligible to enter a bal- placement within 25 miles of TB18 6.30pm Ultimate I felt it only right that I write this lot for any remaining places. The Guildford for the year is going to Monday Week 10 article to give the facts and rea- ballot will also be used to deter- have a far better opportunity to Womens Football 19th March 8pm sons behind the allocation system mine a waiting list." actually look for and find a place Week 9 (15th March) Venue TBC to avoid any unnecessary confu- The decision to go to a ballot off campus than a student who is 8pm Varsity sion. Just so you all know what system was made by the on placement in spain til august Archery you can have expected as final Residential Accommodation but who's parents happen to live MADSOC Sat 5th May years, here is an extract from the Committee about three years ago near Guildford. Monday 19th March TB18 5pm back of the final year application after much discussion because, as I hope this all makes a little more 7pm TB forms just in case you missed it you can all hopefully understand, sense to everyone and I am sorry Rifle Club when filling it in…! unfortunately there just aren't for anyone that has not been given GameSoc Wednesday Week 10 "All prospective UK/EU final enough rooms on campus to a place on campus next year. LTA on Sunday 18th March at 6pm GMR years are eligible to apply. There house everyone. This year, the Anyone having trouble finding 3pm. are a limited number of places qualifying distance had to be 25 housemates or a house, then an available for final year students mile radius to take in the reason- accommodation forum has been Elec Eng Soc and priority will be given to those able number of applicants for a fair set up on the union website bul- Fencing Tuesday week 10, 1pm, returning from placement outside ballot - this takes in places like letin board - www.ussu.co.uk - to Thursday Week 8 Grant Mitchell Room the area. In determining who will Reading, Basingstoke, Crawley help you all find housemates and 7.30pm, UniSport be allocated accommodation, con- and south west London and is 25 hopefully houses. Main Hall sideration will be given to where a miles as the crow flies (which NOTICES student is studying or working in should not be confused with the Susie Westwell Ski Club the spring semester before their distance by Road). March 19th final year. Students who are work- The applications entering the Thurs 8th March - 5pm - GMR GMR 6pm ing on professional placement at a ballot are all the students who are UNION EXECUTIVE location that is beyond the qualify- living within the qualifying distance COMMITTEE No Wave ing distance from Guildford will be during in the second semester as 22nd March allocated a place. The qualifying this is the fairest all round for any-

International Week Page Continued: Korean Society Korea is a country with nearly nomic giants in the world, has gone 5,000 years of history. The word through a revolutionary economic How to make "Kim-chi" - the typical daily Korean cuisine-.The special taste of "Korea" refers to both North and development boosting electronics, fiery spice given by Kim-chi is truly unprecedented. The main Kim-chi vegeta- South Korea, but here in the South shipbuilding, communications and bles include radish, Korean cabbage and cucumber, which are soaked in brine it usually means the Republic of automobiles industries, which has and mixed or stuffed with seasoning, made of powdered red pepper, sliced Korea with its population of 47 mil- made it a model for national devel- green onions, crushed garlic and ginger and many more kinds of seasoning lion, of whom 10 million live in the opment world-wide. In the year and garnishing options varying by region. Sliced fruits, salted fish and shellfish, capital, Seoul. The city of Seoul 2001, toeing the line for a new start or even meat may also be added. boasts a 600-year history, and in for the New Millennium, the Korean 1988 it became famous throughout government has designated the the world as the host of the 24th year "Visit Korea Year 2001" hop- Summer Olympic Games. Korea ing to show visitors as much as will once more become a focus of possible about the country. We worldwide attention when it hosts spread our arms to warmly wel- the 2002 FIFA World Cup Soccer come you all in "Visit Korea Year Tournament. 2001". Korea, as the one of the 12 eco- There are 41 full-time Korean stu- dents on campus and the number has kept growing every year. More than half of them study tourism and hotel related science because the reputation of Surrey in hospitality is believed to be the best in Europe. The department of electronics, also with a good reputation, has 5 stu- dents from Korea. Gossip, Sex & The Universe 08/03/01 17

Big Sister LIFE AFTER Many of the guys on campus have been getting comput- haired fella. The e-mails we've received about you two! THE ers installed in their rooms. Why you may ask? A new The ladies toilets wasn't the most discrete place you could breed of internet dating, is upon us. It seems the only way have chosen.... Whatever floats your boat.... to get a w.w.woman is through idle chat. Just make sure The Naked Chef certainly had our boat bobbing around WOMB they send you a recent picture or you could end up with furiously, with his 'boxer shorts off, or on?' dilemma. You by Rich W the dodgy women that only come out on fetish night. can come and cook for us anytime. As always, Drag and Fetish night was a resounding suc - Maybe you could help the Flinger prepare her flans - not cess on Friday night in the Union, with your deepest that we're ever going to get to taste them. We're on to you My housemate has developed a rather wor- desires bubbling to the surface to show off your true Flinger. Don't even think about it! rying habit over the past few weeks and it is colours - many of which we wish we hadn't seen! What So is the gorgeous HF going to the Union on Friday this that I would like to share with you, the was he thinking in that thong? night? Helga wants to get the drinks in if you are! Take a fine student-folk of the University of Surrey. Bad boy Mo, with the dodgy eye make up, maybe you chance on him, dancing queen. Very much in a Jeremy Clarkson kind of way, he has had the could get a job as a prostitute but with legs as thin yours, And finally a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to tendency recently to, for no particular reason, microwave any- we can't see why a woman would want you let alone a MaIMINTHEARMYrk. Didn't think we'd forget about it did thing that he happens to think would cook nicely in the little box man. Not so rich now! you? Why is it such a big secret? What's are you so wor- thing that sits on the top of most people’s kitchen surfaces at Unicorn - did anyone actually believe you? We thought ried about? Apparently you're not actually intending to home. not! It was never going to happen really was it? grow up anytime soon anyway! Now, to a certain degree, I agree with him that microwaving Especially not in that dress! By the way who shot Phil Mitchell? certain objects and foods, in the hope that they may explode or Then again, at least you kept your clothes on - which is react to the heat in a fairly amusing manner, is an enjoyable way more than can be said for a certain curly gem and her dark [email protected] to pass some spare minutes you may happen to have. Indeed, whilst any unfortunate food-type is finding itself bombarded by electromagnetic waves, we often have lengthy conversations Caught on Camera discussing the effects of the microwave on modern societies nutritional intake and whether or not it is somehow responsible for the vice-like grip the advertising and marketing agencies of our corporate world have on us, the unwitting consumer, due to us spending more time in front of the television while our dinner cooks instead of us doing the cooking. (It is fairly ironic, is it not, that such a discussion occurs by the microwave and not, as you may expect, whilst sitting in front of the tv). The point at which I draw the line over the microwaving of random things, though, finally arrived at the start of the weekend we’ve all apparently managed to live through: there we were, my housemate and I, sitting down, not really doing a lot, when he suggested we should microwave a random object. Fair enough, I thought - the bread had been fun, the pringle enjoyable and the shredded wheat somewhat of a spectacle - what could he come up with to push the boundaries of the experiments we were undertaking? You’ll understand my disappointment when he suggested one of those lovely crisps we all used to eat as kids - a hula-hoop. It’s not that it wasn’t a good idea, it’s just that we had already done a pringle before, and as far as I could see, it was pretty much the same thing - a crisp; but we decided to carry on with the experiment anyway, so in went the hula-hoop (original flavour) and on went the microwave. For five minutes or so, nothing - not even the slightest hint that anything was going to happen. I’ll be honest: we were disappointed; but then, a change in pitch of the humming of the lovely machine and within seconds there were flames - the hula-hoop had spontaneously combusted under the intense heat the microwave was providing. There was momentary panic - did we need the fire extinguisher? How were we going to explain to our landlord that we had burnt the house down whilst amusing ourselves in a light-hearted, microwave random things kind of way? What if we died in a house fire? How would we be remembered - as an embodiment of the student spirit or as a couple of idiots who had nothing bet- ter to do than cause wilful destruction? What would our mothers say? What would our friends say? What would that bloke who claims to be a fire-inspector say to all of the freshers for the next twenty years when he’s doing his boring fire-safety rubbish? Why were we asking so many questions instead of sorting out the problem at hand? Why didn’t Craig David win any Brit awards? Because he’s crap, maybe? So finally, after what seemed an eternity, but in reality was in fact about twenty seconds, we removed the flaming hula-hoop, doused it in bucket loads of water and wafted a towel roughly in the direction of the microwave, which, at that point, had an entirely unhealthy smell coming from it. After a few minutes, we If you have any photos or personals that you would like to see in bf, were through it and everything was ok: the panic was over. Our only issue was this: as far as we could see, there was not please pop into the office or send us an email to [email protected] one warning on the hula-hoop crisp packet that you should not microwave a hula-hoop, and there were certainly no references to the dangers that such an event may involve; so my house- This Week’s Personals mate and I have decided to write to KP, the makers of hula- *Anybody heard the rumours that Ben persistent stains). Matching shoes avail- hoops, and tell them what happened to us in the hope that Mac is collecting to see Jo N. gunged? *WANTED! Companion for leopard-skin able. Quick sale required. Call A. Hill on maybe we can get a warning printed on the crisp-packets and dressed dwarf-bitch seeking (any) 53138 everyone can be safe in the future...it’s like that bloke who sued McDonalds because some coffee he bought was hot and it burnt *Bring it on Pete, go on try it you dare! Friendship (and more...... ?) Phone Fat him, but we’re not serious. Andy on 53138 *FOR HIRE. 17 year old 'trumpet blower'. ...and while we’re at it, we’re probably going to phone one of *I may have behaved like an arsehole Nice tits and hips. VGC - never been those ‘where-there’s-blame-there’s-a-claim’ thingy-ma-jigs, butit's only because I love you. All I want- *Wildish8, Innes7, Chan7, Hill2, Fisher4, used. Unwanted Christmas present. Call because we reckon we’d get a sack load of money. So then we ed was a chance and you wouldn't even Shaw4, Hemmingway5, Wehr6, Gary5, Pimp Probert on 52335. could use our claim as a blackmail and say to KP that if they give that to me you've ruined me life Stillwell8, Nick6 -All should do better.. don’t put that warning on the packet, then we’ll sue. Imagine - thanks MC *Congratulations to RD Singh for receiv- you’ll be eating your hula-hoops and you’ll see that warning and *SEEKING. Kinky dwarf-bitch for fancy- ing a job offer with Satchi & Satchi- you’ll know exactly where it came from - that’s what we’re setting *What noise does a tiger make? dress frolics and anal action. Phone Anyone ever heard of them? Hmmm out to achieve, and my God, we’ll do it if we put our minds to it. Duncan on 54458 Of course, we could try to use our time more effectively, but that *Don't worry Dunky, we're not dissapoint- *Lick me Bud shirt girl, how about that wouldn’t be fun - let’s face it, if we did that in the first place, then ed, more filled with murderous *FOR SALE. Leopard print dress. Only drink? I wouldn’t be writing about microwaving hula-hoops, would I? rage. 70 x 4, or 80,80,80.....40. worn once. VGC (apart from a couple of God, I’m so sad. Comic Relief & Sport 18 08/03/01 Comic Relief - The (Almost) Final Countdown

Hiya, it’s little ol me again. Before I go any further I have two things to say: 1) Sorry for the delay in getting the voting slips ready, I made the mistake of assuming that there would be some ink in the printer, which would allow me to print them off, there wasn’t so I had to wait a couple of days. 2) Apologies to all my fans who noticed the deliberate mistake in last week’s award winning column; (Lovebite / Kev delete as necessary) was an instruction to the ed and dep and should itself have been deleted. Lovebite assures me it was entirely Kev’s fault, so Mr. Editor, watch out. So anyway, thanks to all those who have voted so far, there are twelve candidates:

Kevin Marston (current Comms sabb, long haired scruffy bloke who, despite moaning about having too much work to do, is always playing with his frisbee when I visit him). David Abbott (union chair, the real goatee and doing a Masters in Electronic Engineering – surely he deserves being splatted just because of that). Bulent Yazici (union technology officer, the Sex God of the Sailing Club who describes his pastimes as getting wet). Adam Jakeway (president-elect, rugby player and security – must get your vote if you’ve ever been thrown out by them). Logan Hillier (star of Guys and Dolls playing a slimy greasy gangster – want to see him slimy in real life?) Spenser Theobald (a man so laid back, he’s virtually horizontal all the time. Will the sunglasses still be on his head when he’s gunged?) James Buller (societies-elect, have you seen his new sexy haircut? it would be a shame to ruin it). Tristan O’Dwyer (comms-elect, bit worried about this one, should I gunge the bloke who’ll be my boss next year? Yeah, of course I should) Denise Goodwin(sports-elect, the blonde bombshell on crutches, surely we need to do something to spoil her looks if only for a few minutes). Lisa Widdows (education-elect, the girl usually found behind the union bar with the butterflies in her hair). John Geeson (finance-elect, the jack-the-lad always up for a laugh, fancy seeing the ‘yoke’ on him?) Dave ‘Chops’ Chapman (current sports ed and surfing hero of many, far to nice and sweet to be gunged, or is he?)

You will probably see some posters around campus soon, so do as they say, go to Union Reception hand over 50 English pence, tick one box on the slip (preferably that of the person you want splatted) and hand back the voting form to the nice person behind the reception and be on your merry way. Then wander along to the Union on Comic Relief Day (16th March) to watch the fruits of your labour. Back to the flans, Chef - I’m after you, in more than one way. GU2 team what’s this I hear about incestuous going-ons in the studio? You would have thought Big Sis would have picked up on that; I’ll have to think of an appropriate punishment. And speaking of Big Sister, girls, girls, girls, I have already proven to you I know exactly who you are and I also know where you live and what courses you do. I have also promised not to get you until the end of the year so that you can keep you identity secret, so why all this hot air in your column??? I also know full well that you have no idea who I am since only my male bodyguards do know my real identity and they wouldn’t blabb. Having said that, although I wouldn’t be up for any rough and tumble, I know my bodyguards would be, maybe we should organize it. Only one problem, more boys than girls, how on earth will you cope sisters? As ever, all requests for flanning to [email protected] SurreySurrey PridePride Colours Tickets & Crate Pink 473 Yellow 171 of Smirnoff Ice Collected Green 103 Bottle of Red Wine Yellow 158 Signed Tottenham Blue 210 White 26 Hotspur Shirt Blue 167 Orange 216 Bottle of White Wine Pink 430 Blue 197 White 90 Signed Charlton Shirt Green 211 Salmon 25 Bottle of Red Wine Blue 330 Green 257 Pink 375 Rip Curl Sports Bag Yellow 57 Blue 97 T- Shirts Green 207 Jose Cuervo Cap Bottle of Sparkling Wine Pink 328 Pink 121 Formula 2001 You either love it or loathe it; stay and some amazing blagging skills, hate each other that much? I was sixth consecutive win, followed who at 19 years is the youngest up 'til 4am drinking black coffee to I set off on a Barefacts mission. assured this was merely a media- closely by the British/Scottish driver, showed great talent by catch the live action, or retire early I felt very much like a formula 1 fabricated story and they are, choice Coulthard rollling in sec - coming in 6th. deliberately forgetting to set the racing driver myself by the time I infact, good friends (oh, and ond. The final place on the podium Let's hope that Singapore brings video player. Yes, it's motor sport's arrived at the NEC having spent 2 Saddam Hussein is a great guy I was taken by Barichello, another yet more exciting duels like that of most glamorous and expensive hours dodging manic motorists on suppose). good result for Ferarri. Montoya Coulthard and Barrichello and no offering, the Formula 1 Grand Prix. the M1. I recommend the train if Despite using all my journalistic seemed to cope well with the pres - more fatal accidents. The season The heady season of fast cars, you go next year! skill and charms I wasn't able to sure of his first race but the new has begun and so have the 2am exotic locations and Murray The show is a racing enthusiasts discover anything really sensation- kid on the track, Kimi Raikkonen, viewings! Walker gaffs left the starting line dream come true with it's collection al about our F1 heroes, well not this weekend in Melbourne, of F1 cars, displays, stalls and anything you could repeat in a Libby Schumacher Australia. As the Ferrari, Williams testosterone filling the exhibition newspaper. However, I must say it and Maclarens passed the che- hall. I spent my afternoon sitting in was a great day out for anyone quered flag you might have won- Colin McCrae's rally car, being remotely interested in motor sport. dered what really goes on behind given tons of freebies (how much It's well worth a visit, especially if the scenes to make the teams a windscreen wash does a girl you like celeb spotting. roaring success. need?!) and chatting to the head of Back to this weekend, it was a lit- Your intrepid correspondent PR for Williams. tle disappointing that despite all decided to track down some inside He gave me the low down on the improvements made by every info and up to date gossip on their progress, including how they F1 team and the launch of their Schumi, Coulthard and co by are practicing at least twice a week new cars, the result was still quite zooming off to the recent Autosport and of course, what we all want to predictable in Melbourne. The first Show at Birmingham's NEC. know, do Montoya and Grand Prix of the season saw Armed with my NUJ press pass Schumacher (the little one) really Michael Schumacher gaining his Sport 08/03/01 19 Sports Profile: Ski Club New Jive Night ‘Private’ in practices within Surrey. able!! 16th March at the Varsity Centre Physio and Sports Therapy Holistic facial massage is one of Warm up… 7pm to 11pm. Tickets available play a very close ‘role’ which com- the most relaxing and stress from the Sport Centre. This night plement each other. releasing forms of massage. The Name & age: Dave Jenkins, 3 1/2 promises to be a right laugh. Ticket Physiotherapy concentrates main- therapist works on the shoulders, (age not “size”) Don’t price includes a shot of vodka, les- ly to ‘joint’ and ‘skeletal’ related chest, upper back, and face, con- run away son and a meal. Don’t miss it. conditions i.e. Spinal disc displace- centrating on the areas where Nickname: Tiny, Slag, Baby Face, I have a ment, knee and ankle problems, stress and tension accumulate. Mr 5 seconds, Mr Dusty Wallet porshce you Sports Day due to injury or overuse. The Benefits know! Entries are now coming in for Therapist will look at ‘posture cor- - IMPROVES SKIN TONE AND Best feature: NA sports day. This will be Wednesday rection’, full examination of condi- HELPS ELIMINATE FINE LINES 21st March at the Varsity Centre. tion and history. Treatments may (And ‘bags’ after too much study What you look for in a man or Anyone can enter a team from then be applied; Acue Pressure, - FANTASTIC FOR RELIEVING women: A pulse sports clubs to department, friends Ultra Sound, Manipulation and SINUS PROBLEMS (AFTER FLU to residence. Contact the Sport Mobilisation. OR COLDS!) Availability: Should have an opening Centre or Varsity Centre Sports Therapy is the - LYMPHATIC DRAINAGE TO at about 6.30pm for 5 minutes (does- Receptions for more information. Manipulation of superficial and THE CHEST AREA FLUSHING n’t normally take any longer than deep tissues (muscular spasms, OUT TOXINS AND WASTE that!) New at Optimum Fitness; scar tissue breakdown, muscle PRODUCTS Physiotherapy tightness) which may be treated by - PRODUCES A FEELING OF A huge welcome to Richard Brown applying Sports Massage/Stretch, WELL BEING, LEAVING THE 110%… BSc(Hons) MCSP who has joined mobilisation and mobility. With FACE WITH A REFRESHED the team at Optimum Fitness, these two very important treat- APPEARANCE! Favourite position (this question applies to relevent sports only – no innu- after graduating from Leeds ments we can get people back on DON’T FORGET MONDAYS ARO- endo intended honestly): No. 69 in Karma Sutra for 1 University 1996 in completing a the road to recovery! MATIC MASSAGE OFFER!!! BSc Physiotherapy course. Over £5.00 OFF FIRST TREATMENT! Best thing about your sport: Race captain feels sorry for me so lets me the last 4 years Richard has been Holistic facial massage THAT’S ONLY £7.50 FOR A race anyway operating in ‘outpatients’ at Yet another new treatment avail- 45MIN TREATMENT!!! COME Farnham Road Hospital NHS, and ON!! Worst thing about your sport: Sore arse

Best single moment in your sporting life: Claiming to race Jensen Button

Ultimate sporting dream: To parallel turn

Worst injury: Does thrush count? (No “Tiny” Sports injury - Sports Ed)

Sporting idol: Rest of ski team (beginners included)

Most embarassing moment: Mum catching me shaking hands with the unemployed

Tip: If she snoozes, she loses

Hidden aspects to your sport: Snowplough stop. How do I do it?

Cool down…

Worst fear: Being dumped – by the team and a bird

Chancellors or Roots: Anywhere as long as I’m not paying

You in three words: Tiny Incompetent Tightarse - TIT (see above). You in ten words: Single Male Always Looking for Love Probably Footie: UniS 3-Hamnbledon 2 Rather Impitant Clearly a Knave (n. cocksucker) - SMALL PRICK Freddy Star Ate My Hamster! grim realisation that we would be halftime. After last weeks somewhat con- walking to the ground set in and we The 2nd half saw more backs to fusing piece of headlining by enjoyed a lovely stroll through the the wall than a night out in Brighton Chops, I decided to write a far green pastures of Surrey before and our defence was reduced to more relevant one for him. Not eventually stumbling like savages some excellent cynical fouling. The SportingSporting quite sure what narcotics were in in ‘Lord of the Flies’ upon the pitch. skipper was once again forced to use in the bf office last week, but it We were missing several key retaliate whan a young scamp (at just goes to prove the old adage personnel this week including the least 17 this time) threatened his about never sending a sub-editor three Andys: Solley deciding that ‘career’ with a late challenge. Mark VernacularVernacular do a journalists job...This week the England v Scotland in the rugby Shaw seemed to take the team of So we had problems with the (Disability Challenge) and £5 is mighty 4th team had suffered a was more important! (what was the orders of ‘go out, enjoy yourselves Colours Ball tickets. They should returned to you as bar vouchers. mid-week mauling at the hands of score again Rab?) and viscous and try a few tricks’ a little serious- be available at reception now. Surrey sport is looking up again. UCL and were looking to bounce rumours circulated that Andy Bray ly, as he promptly made himself Hurry and get yours as they might Having avoided getting anyone back against fellow relegation can- had been quarantined with sus - invisible for 45 minutes. go even quicker after the delay. I sent off, Men’s Football (my head- didates Hambledon Reserves. To pected foot & mouth. Luckily the Fortunately for us, Grant Wildish hope you all enjoyed the Colours/ line was better than yours) claimed say that team confidence was low Maths department came to our res - was on top of his game and he GU2 launch party. The atmos- their first victory in a while (despite would be a gross understatement, cue and David Chan & Jamie Innes pulled off numerous theatrical phere in the Union was great and I yet another sending off). Ski club as our recent form had plunged like proved more than adequate full- saves. Hambledon did get a sec- certainly had a great time. Cheers look set to reach the final, Golf are a bus on a Portuguese bridge. back replacements (we wern’t ond to make things interesting late to everyone who put up with our top of the league and both Mens The day started well enough with quite despirate enough to call on on in the game but we stayed com- raffle ticket selling. It was very and Womens Surf teams had a the new meeting spot of the deputy editor), at times resem - posed and snatched all three successful and will help ensure surprisingly good first National Chancellors proving popular with bling the Carlos-Cafu pairing for points. My man of the match award that in addition to making the ball Championship. all. Many of the team looked suspi- Brazil. We started the first half went to Ben Stillwell who was extra special, we will be able to Having recently re-formed, Riffle ciously like they were still sporting brightly and soon took a shock lead involved with all three of our goals donate a decent amount to our club have been shooting on make-up from the night before, through an excellent goal from and was probably also our best charity (Queen Elizabeth Wednesday afternoons. If you most worryingly Matty Fisher who Ross Wehr. Unfortunately our defender despite playing as striker. Foundation, Abracadabra appeal think you might be a good shot, get when questioned replied ‘what attacking flair was concealing a Just a reminder, all players with 2 and leukemia research). in touch. drag night? do these trousers complete lack of defensive mettle or more caps for the 4’s this year Social Sports Day is just under Keep the profiles coming, we are make my bum look big?’. We all and Hambledon eqalised almost are invited to our pre-end of sea- two weeks away now. Entries starting to run low again and need then trekked down to the railway immediately. Luckily for us our son, fancydress party in Week 10 need to be in next Friday so get a entertaining. station and got the first slow train to Nick ‘Heffner’ scored soon after (yes Matt, you can come in drag). move on and get it organized. £5 Whitley. On arrival in Whitley, the and Wehr added another before Jez Hill of your entry fees will go to charity Chops SURREYSURREY PRIDEPRIDE SKI SET FOR CHAMPIONSHIPS GOLF TOP LEAGUE A couple of Saturdays ago, a larg- er gathering of the Surrey Ski Club Golfers Go Top drinking early, he found that the turned up to race in the last Kings Last Wednesday saw the second match had already fin- Ski Club race of the London and University of Surrey regain their ished, with Andrew Lukey’s oppo- South East regional champi- rightful top place in the South East nent sitting happily in the bar after onships. If we did well enough, BUSA Merit League with a close dispatching a 7&6 whipping and then we would have enough points win over top of the table Kingston, leaving Andy on the practice to get through to the national finals 3.5-2.5. With Surrey’s top player, ground in the rain trying to figure (and not have to blag it!). If you Richard Caldwell, away playing in out what went wrong. James Lloyd can’t tell from the photo, the theme the Spanish Amatuer came in the third match with a of the evening was a Mexican Championship in Barcelona, and much deserved win (about time theme. A number of universities many players from last years win- too). So with everything level it turned up with Sombreros and ning squad away on placement was down to the last 2 matches. Ponchos, and one team of board- Surrey had to scrape together a Rumours were that they were ers turned up in very smart tweed team calling up Pugh at the last close with Dave down but battling suits, claiming to be asylum seek - for the evening’s racing were ing likely. Then after much persua- minute to make up the numbers. hard and Nikki keeping her nose in ers! We put in two mixed teams Surrey 2 - 6th, Surrey 1 - 7th, and sion we squeezed all eleven of us Luckily when Kingston arrived they front. Then from the dryness of the and a ladies team, but sadly could the ladies team came 4th. This into Pizza Hut where we proceed- only had five men, so Pugh was clubhouse, Nikki appeared, looking not get another two snowboarders, meant that after all the calculations ed to eat, drink and eat again. relieved to go off with his girlfriend very wet but happy, with her win so our two snowboarders did the were over, in the London and Then came the off road driving while the rest of us had to put up sealing victory for surrey, with sensible thing, and started drink - South Eastern region Kings Ski across the pedestrianised pave- with the rain. Dave coming in a close second. ing. Club championships, Surrey 2 ments of Wycombe in an attempt Neil ‘birthday boy’ Summers had Having regained top spot in the With shouts of “Heeeey Gringo”, came 15th overall, and Surrey 1 to find our way back home! to take Caldwell’s top match, play- league, Nikki insulted the other and “Ariiiiiba!” the racing com- came 8th, out of a total of 24 uni- Hopefully when the results have ing an ex England player and team and we all left for the varsity menced. Despite Surrey 1’s boast- versities. been confirmed, we will be back for going 3 down after 3, but fought his to get very pissed for my birthday ing, Surrey 2 won their first race, After the racing came the tradition- the national finals! (for more pho- way back for an honourable half. and I don’t remember much else !! and then the next. The ladies team al trip to a place of eating. After tos and info, www.surrey- Having run around the course in 2 tried hard, but faced some strong numerous attempts to find a suit- ski.org.uk). and a half hours so he could start Moish opposition. Surrey 1 had some able establishment, a trip to a good races, and won the last three Wycombe Kebab house was look- Chris Hunter races in a row. The final positions SKI SET FOR CHAMPIONSHIPS As of last Week and after lots of riffles), so Vicky turns to Ben an hard work, Surrey University has a just says ‘we have got the bolts ‘Riffle Club’. Last Wednesday saw haven’t we? Ben looks in the top the first of hopefully many suc- of his bag, and under his breath cessful trips out too Cobham riffle hoping no one would notice mut - range. ters something like ‘Pluck it’. The first trip started off well, we When we finally made it to the signed all the bits of paper and vis- range we were greeted by a very ited the armory remembering to friendly guy who showed us the turn the alarm off first. We decided range, then how the range worked, that we would take two of the then how the range could work, Bulls eye from 25 yards Clubs riffles. For security reasons then what to do if the range didn’t the bolts for the riffles are kept sep- work, then what to do if we had any yards, is a lot harder than it seems, arately in a case, rather than left in problems, then he just told us, then you have a bulls eye which meas- the riffles. Well we put the riffles told us some more, and finally we ured 12mm across and a bullet into their sleeves and I asked Ben were left to do some shooting. which is 5.5 if you break the line of whether we have the bolts, he The range is lovely and the Club the circle its only a nine rather than replies ‘yep just a sec.’ We got the is privileged to be able to use it. a ten so for those of you who like mats, and I asked Ben ‘have we Some of the not so bright member trigonometry it’s not to hard to work got the bolts’ and Ben replies ‘yes’, of the Club still have to work out out that the riffle can’t move more So we pack the scopes and jack- that to open a sliding door you than 0.01629 of a degree in any ets, and then as a joke to test push it to the side, instead of grab- direction with out it breaking the Ben’s patients I asked ‘we have got bing the handle and yanking, line and potential losing points. So the bolts haven’t we?’ and a ‘we because when you do that all that when Ben is scoring 100 and Vicky have the…..bolts’ echo’s from the happens is the whole door falls of and myself shooting 98’s then you back of the over-heated-hot-as-an- its runners and it requires a small might appreciate the skill involved. oven-broom-cupboard that we army and several talented engi- However if this hasn’t put you off refer to as our armory. So we col- neers to put the thing back togeth- and you are interested in shooing, lected the ammunition and locked er….mentioning no names. or if you have a fire arms certifi- the door. This was the point at After not having shot a .22 riffle cate, and would like to become a which I turned to Vicky and said for almost 2 years, and the other member of our Club then please ‘wouldn’t it be funny if we got to the members not having shot for about email us at [email protected] range and we didn’t have the bolts’ 9 months we were all expecting to (As we wouldn’t be able to use the be a little rusty. Well shooting at 25 Tom SURF: BUSA NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS TEASER Keeping all juicy details for next week, all I will say is the men’s team & women’s teams did great. This is the largest competition in Europe and includes the likes of Sam Bleakley the European Longboard Champion so its very tuff going. Here are a few non surf related photos. The wet stuff will feature next week. Get involved by e-mailing [email protected]. The teams pose Student Surf Nationals = surf, beer & traffic cones Chops