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4-1-2004

Stagnant, April 01, 2004

University of Missouri-St. Louis

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THEC URRENTONLlNE.COM Kobe's big announcement! DUMSL DUMSL DUMSL DUMSL DUMSL Martha E SABC to be Stewart to disbanded teach ethics SABC chair vows he won't go down without a fight, or at course Battle ongoing over South Campus secession least a hefty bribe BY DARTH GRANGER BY FLOTSAM AND JETSAM ...... - ...... _._-_...... Staff Pollution Tool-a-Riffic

According to some guy talking DUMSL Chancellor Tommy heavily out of his ass, this summer Gorge announced that the Student" there will be a new addition to the Against Being Considerate (SABCJ DUMSL business faculty. Martha will be disbanded. Gorge said the Stewart, billionaire and home reason was they were ')ust not nice decorating titan, will be teaching a people." business ethics course. After last year's budget fiascc Judge Miriam Goldman concerning theUM-St. Louis Currem Cederbaum, with a desire to be tough, (The Stagnant's counterpart) Gorge and welJ , downright annoying, had reportedly been considering sentenced Martha Stewart to a two­ shutting the group down. It was when year term teaching at DUMSL, a fate SABe chair China Yuen called the that some would say is worse than editor-in-chief of The Current B death. "poopy pants" that Gorge decided tc Arnelica, and the world to boot, is take action. losing its faith in the leaders of these 'There is only so much negative empires known as "Big publicity we can take," Gorge said ir Corporations." With the fall of between war meetings and working al ENRON and WORLDCOM, many his piano bar. 'We cannot have these investors are distractions in time of war. So 1 pointing eliminated the little geeks and wa~ their fingers done with it." at the SEC, Yuen said that he would fight tc demanding have SABC reinstated and that he had m 0 r e the support of SGA vice-presidenl stringent Darth Mineshaft and SGA executive auditing committee member and Associat:eC practices, Blacks Only Collegians presidenl and even M.KX. more intense 'We will not take this lying down,' punishment Yuen said while stroking hi ~ Homecoming King scepter. "Whc for these Dick Biglerl The Current does Gorge think he is? Does he thi.ru white-collar A lone cannon lies unmanned near a North Campus fortification last week. South Campus secessionists have brought successive he's in charge? I have the scepter! 1 criminals . attacks on the North during the past few months, causing an ever-increasing number of military and civilian casualties, damage to have the thronel" Stewart is infrastructure, and a strange sulfuric odor emanating from Bugg Lake. Tuition increases are expected in oliter to fund the North's Martha Stewart Minesbaft is taking a little differeD' may serve' time as accused of defense. approach to me situation, indicatin~ DUMSL prof. insider trading and she might use her dark powers of thf perjmy. According to witnesses, she Chancellor sees war as potential Force to change Gorge's mind. sold shares of ImOone stock because Human costs of the ''Let's just say, he might wake uf of information she received from an dead one day," Mineshaft said.. ''1 car informant that the company was going area for growth, tuition increases strangle him with my mind, after all." .... under. She also sold a 1988 Buick conflict Ylon't relent ._--_ _._-- BY BusTY McFEE see SABC ZAPPED, page 9 Sk.-ylark with a busted speedometer. A --- completely unreliable source claims Staff Hothead BY DARTH GRANGER a run since the war began. "Of course I protect myself when I that Stewart sold them a bag of Tool-a-Riffic oregano while saying it was "nothing The war that has led to the get here. Why should I make a target short of Matanuska Thunderfuck! The succession of South Campus from of myself... if they wanna go, I say As the war between North and North Campu5 best weed in the country." North Campus has continued into bring it. I'll kill me someone if they South Campuses rages on, the human Because of these acts of the new year. try and do me first," Nirvana Bliss, toll is beginning to take shape. incredulity, Stewart is being used as an With newly appointed Chancellor sophomore, Amnesty International Students are constantly bombarded by weapons stasb example. In an interview on Thursday, Tommy Gorge coming into office in president, said. ''I mean, seriously, shrapnel, falling missiles and epithets Judge Cederbaum said, "I am using August of last year, many thought peace is overrated. So are human (''North Campus elitist!"), this rich bitch as an example to the rest that there would be a change in riahts " endangering their journeys to and discovered of these corporate whores! You will plans. South Campus still plans to "' Others are not taking quite such a from classes. Students going to South not get away with your dastardly stay independent from North radical position. Some people, like Campus from North Campus are BY PURPLE FLOYD actions." He wanted to hang her, but Campus. associate professor of lawn mowing constantly threatened, harassed and FutZ:re Pai~-in-the-Ass Amnesty International members got When Gorge took office, he Matty Roblester, are praying for an yes, even killed. wind of the idea and lobbied for expressed that he is in complete early end to the conflict. As this historic war rages on, the something that was a little less severe. support of the war, no matter how "I lost two students yesterday The North and South Campti: students, faculty and staff of DUMSL 'We all agreed that an example had long it has to last. when those South Campus bastards conflict has continued to escalate ir appear to have accepted this conflict to be made, but we didn't want to "We cannot just let this campus launched a surprise attack on us," the last few months, and a recen Tommy Gorge, North will go on for quite some time. break any federal laws. Plus, we do whatever they want," Gorge said. Roblester said. "I just hope this whole discovery has only aggravated the Campus Leader ''It's become a fact of life for most couldn't handle the irony of having "Someone had to step in and let thing ends soon, or else there'll be no situation. of us," Lunar Orbit, sophomore, the author of "Living" hanged 'til she South Campus know that we will not fought. 'The Battle of Seton Hill one left to man the John Deers." South Campus reconnaissance astrology, said. "The planets are were dead!" said Mandy Freeburg, an be defeated. They will become a part showed North Campus that we will When asked why she still comes to discovered a stash of weapons ir saying this war could last many years official for, well, who cares? She had of DUMSL again after I fmish this not back down," Yell said. "After our campus while a war is raging, Bliss Parking Garage JK, located next to the with much loss of life." an opinion and that's all that mattered.. war successfully." victory, we are confident that the said, "I have already paid close to Centennial Student Center on Nord Some students have invested in Stewart will be serving her two­ South Campus spokesman Rebel succession will be a success. Long $400,000 in my two years at Campus. The stockpile inclUde{ Yell said that they would not back protection for when they arrive at DUMSL. Why should I leave now?" year sentence teaching an ethics live South Campus I" deadly arms, such as old pizza fron campus. Anti-missile shoulder course here at DUMSL. In this class, down from this war. Since the the Snosh, 313 sharpened pencils. 1 launcbers, Kevlar jackets, Kevlar students will learn about the various declaration of their succession last pink kazoo, unpaid University parkin! see WAR AIN'T ALL BAD, page 12 helmets and gas masks have gone on see COSTS OF WAR, page 13 behaviors surrounding business March 32, many battles have been tickets, a crack dealer from the decisions, actions and the like. The MetroStink and a fleet of papeJ course, by nature, is to have a King Kong airplanes. philosophical focus to it, giving cause perches atop 'We were surprised to find sud for students to think, because right is the SSB lethal weaponry," said South CampU! not always light and reality is not King Kong takes over building leader Gandhi, sophomore, nutritior always as it seems. earlier today. and health studies. "The Sout! BA 666 is to be a course worth Unseen in his Campus side has tried negotiatin~ three credit hours a semester. While it SSB tower at :DUMSL right hand Is peacefully, and this is a huge obstacle may not be required, it is destined to SGA president in our path." be nothing short of entertaining. Misty Also found in the dilapidate{ BY DARTH GRANGER time for North Campus, as the Civil Buntcake. She structure were personal itellll "Where else can you learn how to War has dragged on longer than Tool-a-Riffic was taken suspected to belong to ChancellOJ baste a turkey, stuff mushrooms with leaders had hoped. hostage Curious George, including a fancy per delectable seafood sausage, line your ''This is all we need., I swear to shortly after engraved with the words "ChancelloJ jewelry box with fabric and help to Legendary monster King Kong God," Tommy Gorge, DUMSL Curious George," a bicycle and : bring down the damnable SEC?" said has laid siege to the Social Sexuality chancellor and general of the North her 12:15 tattered copy of ''Men are from Mars Jim Chambers, a guy drinking a Building at DUMSL. Authorities are Campus army, said. "She was class finished. Women are from Venus." cherry slurpee at Seven Eleven. scrambling to find a way to kill him. supposed to be our next pinup girl for It is unknown whether or . Chancellor Curious George wa: see MARTHA STEWART, page 9 "He has a way of popping up like the soldiers. Now how are we not she will not available for comment. this," Sgt. Moe Howard, DUMSL supposed to take the pictures? What be able to South Campus soldiers discovere( police, said. "We have all seen if he bites her head off or something? footage of his attack on the Empire Friggin' great." partiCipate in the stash last Wednesday afteJ .INDEX State Building in New York. Fay Ray People who witnessed Kong's her pinup receiving a tip from an anonymoU! source. The area was heavily gtIatdl!{ Bulletin Bored 2 is still recovering." ascent of the SSB are still in shock. photoshoot Evidently Kong has claimed his He began to climb the building after for the war and several soldiers were wounded b~ O~ 3 effort. Many flying food. Fay Ray for the DUMSL area. Misty 12: 15 classes were let out, scaring QEinions or facts 4 & 5 Buntcake, president of Silly Gropers male students Parking Garage JK was previousl) many into hiding. Some were not in C ~ were 100ki ng thought to be abandoned. The icl~Dce fiction Colum.,-,n__ _ 5 Anonymous (SGA), has been time, however. The Stagnant regrets abducted by Kong and taken to the to report that 20 students were killed forward to condemned building was clOSe{ seeing her in ~~~!_ _ __ 6 & 7 top of SSB where her screams can be during Kong's initial attack. several weeks ago after it started t( a bikini. collapse and squished several can ~.ock Straps 9 & 10 heard at this very moment (and I wish she would shut her cake hole.) it parked inside. S & M 1+2 & 13

i? ~_M ~ _ This event come at a particularly bad see BIG ASS APE, page 12 ______• _ ___.. _____ ...... ''' ___ -'-__1IIl'I ~ see GARAGE HAS WMD, page 9 ·age 2.5 7k Stagnant March 32, 2004

Darth Granger· Tool-a-Riffic Noxious Eclair· Lcu:ky Trainer Wonder Woman- Superman's chick Claric. Kent. 5upemuln Judi Springer - Zoo Keeper

Busty ~:Free • Staff Hothead Chachi • Louf!S}oanie Wed 34 Thurs 35 Sat 36 A.J; • Backstreet Girl Never Coming soon! Piano Day celebr--ation Cheery McPerity. Your fantasy ''Submit an Evenf' Baibaici Streisand per Rally against new Computer museum Join Chancellor Tornmy Gorge today at Casey Schacher .~ & E Editor event fonns atte."ldance policy closes noon in celebration ofDUMSI.:s first­ After a brief 17-day run, the Pt.rple Royd - Future Dictator This event is open to any DUMSL A rally against DUMSL's new atten­ ever Campus Piano Day. Gorge will Computer Center Museum will close Elliott PhOllehome. Gynecologist students who missed the event on Barbra Streisand will perfonn soon at dance policy will take place at 26:45 play a selection from Barbra due to the lack of funds (which, inCi- t Melissa M<..-cra.y • Featu1 T?S A'iSociale Monday about how to submit an the Unpelforming Non-Arts Center. Streisand's many albums on the piano today in the Militant Building. Come event. The event will take place Tickets are $247-$578, and DUMSL prepared to stand with your fellow stu­ dentally. are being diverted to pay fOfl T(liken Jew· Yes, she's a jeu' in his office. The event is open to the the "Feel Good Center " somewhere, sometime, and may be students must pay an extra $75 to cover Dic{( a ;gg/er - BooRie Nights public and the admission cost for stu­ dents in favor of mandatory attendance. protege interesting to some people. Call 516- the cost of the UNAC. dents is $50, which will go toward the Torches and kazoos are optional. Rudy's Passion· Oral Hvgenist 0000 for no infonnation. expense of installing the pianos all Audrey ~ • Higb Class nookie around campus. Sun 37 Catherine • Dr. Frankenstein! Tues 1 Tues 1 Middle-Eastem film 1he Great Inue all Food lecture MMDtalk festival . I Daugherty Feny. Pixie Dust man A lecture entitled "How to Friday 36 A lecture on the widespread illness 34 A Nliddle-Eastem film festival will Monopolize the Food Market" will be Poin star visits DUMSl run tcxlay for 16 bours at the auditori­ March madness disease will be given Geese hearing today Staff Flashers given by a representative from Jerma Jameson will visit DUMSL at I today at midnight on the fourth floor of Don't miss out on this special opportu­ um at Gallery 2010 in the police sta- Tetsuya, Berry Mewlis, Ashley Angela, Chartsmells at I p.m. in the Snosh. 7:30 p.m. to demonstrate proper oral the Militant Student Center. A panel of nity to sit in on the hearing of the 7 tion. The :films will be entirely in Red Devil, Monet Culrife, Pick The lecture is free and open to every­ sex techniques. Sign up early in Student Pocket, Stevie Poo, Feather doctors from some random hospitals geese charged with murderingMartha Urdu with no subtitles--a good time to one. Those who strongly dislike Living because lines are expected to Snowglitter, Naked Ape, Dleidem,eyer, Casey At the Bat tyisorority party Some event was supposed to be here, Sometime American Royalty Thna Dec. '05 A 48-bour nonstop orgy will take place but the sponsors were too slow in get­ University Park raffle Shaun "J.F.K." Kennedy Whole to at the Alpha Beta Gamma fraternity ting us the infOlmation so now we had Soon a raffle will be held on campus campus be house on Urmatural Bridge Road. The this big box to fill up with crap. Dumb and Dumber in which a one-week lease for a revamped Thurs 35 party would take place at a sorority Scud Missile, D

.he Swgront is pLbtlshed wne... we feet like it. Advertising rates an? available T '1.4'00 request; but you won't get them, 'so there. The ~ ?t, financed in part by illegal chlg "J"lning aJ)d bank robbery, is not an official publication of DUMSL The Univef>ity is not responsible fOf" the content of The Stusnant and/or its potides, but blame them anyway. Commentary and columns reflect the opinioo of the individual author, or the Uni¥ernty., but they ~t. ..wOO knows? All materials c0n­ tained in each printI>d and ortline is9.Je are prq:erty of The Sta~t. .. and .Jerry Lewis, t copy is free; all subsequent copies are 25,000 della!> and are available at the offices of The stagnant. Sa there. MC MA ~JJ)

)1~I~I :1118 )I S (~ lINI) 1)llf)l) Vt)IJll (P. ASSOCIATED COLLEGIATE .. ()'I'DI~S I~C)llli '1'11V()lJT. PHO'I'()S PRESS Call The TILJt.. IJI~ rl'llI'I~~:f Ar :fl) Pf)SITIONS 1fl.l.. I.. Stagnant advertising III~ "I~.l TPI~III)II~ll1'EI) "'1"11. department at 51 6-BITEME. f)

YOlJll N)~"TSI)ll- , This is "ital of the 1))UlllllS l?ll'rlU.I a aspect Wan ted: Il Few )~1l11()IlS. I)I..)~\"~I~ news business. 11IUltM'1' rl'nl~ good ma~~eur~ sysr")~)I . II~ 1)1l0nIJ~)1 1l1~(~lJIlS, 1)IJ~lSI~ For new~pa per (~lUJ.I 11I~ 1)lUll SIUl'TJ(~I~. • It's a good thing we ~ta FE ( orne In don't care about the EGG DONORS news here at The MS( 388 iF NEEDED 'Earn $50001 Stagnant No, that is You can make a difference and help our patients reach their dream way to advanced for of becoming parents. If you are 21-33 years of -Don't e-mail us either, i ntere~ted' age you may qualify. us. Don't call us. Cal (800) 731r 1899 because we don't care. March 32, 2004 ~k,. Stagn ant Page 3.14 Killer geese arrested for Chancellor declares bizarre attack on student c~p~~p~~~~r

BY Lucy GANDER New fee will fund new Steinway - . ·- --· ·- Born toFly - - "--·· grand piano in chancellor's office On Monday, Martha Martin, a pre­ veterinmy student, was walking down BY BusTY McFEE Gorge did not think that students to her class when unknown assailants Blonde andBubbly would have an issue with the fee; attacked her. She was taken to a local after all it is for a great cause.. hospital where she died on Thursday. Chanceilor Tommy Gorge has Students have mixed feelings Her parents and two brothers sur­ decided to declare every Wednesday about the Campus Piano Day. Elmer vive her. Police canvassed the area "Campus Piano Day." Gorge and his Johnson, sophomore, piano studies, looking for anyone who saw the so-called assistants decided that this feels that the idea is an excellent one. attack, but no one came forward. would be beneficial to the campus "I think that it is so cool that the Martin's family pleaded for any­ community. chancellor is so open with what he one who had any information to come With the sounds of Barbra wants," Johnson said. "The piano forward to keep this from happening Streisand aileviating out of Gorge's day will be a huge success with all of to anyone else. Reward posters were office, many people felt that some­ us male piano students; we just love put up around the campus in the thing ridiculous like this was in the the idea. I will participate every hopes of gathering more information. future of the campus. Gorge has been week and I am very willing to pay Many calls were received; howev­ trying to push his love of music onto the fee." er, it was an anonymous call that students, staff and faculty since he Other students think that the idea helped to crack the case. The call came into DUMSL on Sept. 1,2003. is completely ridiculous. came in to the station, and the caller Gorge is often seen around cam­ "I think that the whole thing will identified a local group of geese as pus listening to his Streisand CDs be a total flop," Mary Lou, junior, the attackers. The caller said that he and humming the theme song to women's rights, said. "It is a com­ had witnessed the attack, but ran to "Will and Grace." An anonymous plete waste of our money and such a save his own life. source said that Gorge's favorite sexist thing to do. More men can Police decided to call in famed show to watch is "Will and Grace"; play the piano than women and the animal psychic Anna Carper. Carper Chachil Tbe CUITenl he thinks that it is just the greatest whole fee thing is just lidiculous. I A chalk outline marks the spot of a deadly goose attack last week. Police had no suspects until a talked to the many geese that police show ever. pay enough money to fund stupid psychic was called in who noticed a set of gooseprints leading to and from the body. A few of the had brought in for questioning, but The decision to make a Campus things as it is. Do they think we m'e culprits are shown below, with their police booking mugshots. none of them claimed to have any Piano Day was supported by many made of money?" knowledge of the incident. people. Vice Chancellor Vasser Campus Piano Day will include a Forensic scientists were called in Barshodi thinks that this day will performance by Gorge every on Friday to print the bills of the unite the campus in many ways. Wednesday in his office. A grand geese, hoping to match the bill "1 think that this is a fantastic piano, with cost not being disclosed impressions with those left on idea," Barshodi said, "I will have my to The Stagnant, was recently Martin's body. In total, 24 geese were hot tub fixed soon, so anyone is free installed in the chancellor's office. printed, and none of the geese's prints to join me in celebrating this glorious Gorge also ordered the complete first matched. One goose, known as Larry, day." season of "Will and Grace", with the confided to Carper that the geese that Gorge says that this decision was piano and a new television. had carried out the attack were hiding based upon much thought. He feels Gorge also said that he might in an abandoned parking garage. The that students, faculty and staff need even lead a piano class on other geese had been helping them to have a better knowledge of the Wednesdays. He is inviting all of his get the food that they needed. piano. Gorge taught many people at fellow Streisand lovers to come and Police raided the parking garage his previous university about the learn some new music. and found 12 geese. A forensic scien­ benefits of the piano. "Streisand's talent is just so inde­ tist printed the bills of the geese, and '1 think that everyone needs to scribable," Gorge said. '1f anyone seven of the 12 matched the wounds learn how to play the piano," Gorge ever tried to take her music away inflicted upon Martin. The geese were said. "1 am willing to teach anyone from me, I would just go crazy. She immediately arrested and booked. and everyone who would like to is my one true love, besides my Carper met with the geese and their !earn. This day will be dedicated to piano." first began to run toward her and flap Many of the. witnesses were afraid him on many previous occasions and appointed attorney to discuss the all of those other "Will and Grace" This new event wilJ begin this their wings. Probably frightened, to come forward because they were that day, Martin had done nothing to case. fans out there. Oh, and it is especial­ Wednesday. Anyone is welcome to Martin started kicking them, so they afraid that they would be next. With provoke the attack. After interrogation, a picture of ly dedicated to Barbra Streisand, my join in on this special celebration. fought back. Only the seven, whose , the. suspected geese. in custody, many The preliminary hearing is on the attack became clear. Martin was idol." The chancellor encourages alJ to join bills matched, actually attacked her. of the witnesses felt that it was safe to Wednesday. The geese are expected walking to class and crossed between Pianos will be installed all around him in this event; after all, you are all Onlookers who uied to intervene talk to the police. Harry Feathers, pro­ to plead innocent to the charges. the geese, which was close to a nest. campus, thanks to a new student paying for it. were caught in the attack, and the fessor of biology, told the police that Carper will be present to translate for The geese, trying to protect the eggs, piano fee of just $150 a credit hour. geese began to run after them. the geese had been violent toward the geese. South Campus residents upset over Nationalist Act, loss of privacy

BY' M ONET CULP.!FE Hasan, junior, information systems. bail. ~,'/et Blanket "I go to school here like anyone Preacher Casey of Amnesty else. So what if I look a little differ­ International said, "It is a funda­ ent and I live on South Campus­ mental violation of student rights In the wake of recent terrorist that doesn't make me a terrorist." when these people. are basically held assaults on North Campus, The international student organi­ hostage with no legal representa­ Chancellor Tommy Gorge has, zation, All Lands In Everywhere tion. They're not even told what along with the aid of the Student Now, or ALIEN, is outraged at the they are being arrested for. It's Senate, passed the Nationalist Act. Nationalist Act. Among other despicable. The administration has This gives the administration a wide things, it gives the Department of turned into fascists." umbrella of investigative power in Campus Lands and Security the Suspected terrorists fall under the order to keep tabs on possible stu­ authority to spy on student email categDry of unlawful combatants dent traitors. accounts or intercept cell phone under the proVISIOns in the As you know, the civil war at conversations. Nationalist Act. Therefore, the liber­ DUMSL has been raging on for over Critics are worried that the act ties granted to ordinary civilians do a year now. However, there are new will be used to interfere in the lives not apply. The act has given North complications. A group of interna­ of all students. Bob Rim, director of Campus officials the supremacy to tional students who attend North Campus Lands, said, 'That the N/A snatch any student from class, claim Campus have been living on South exists to provide campus depart­ they are suspected of terrorist activ­ Campus at the University Pastures ments with up-to-date information ity, and then they can lock them apartment complex. on possible terrorist happenings to away. Meanwhile, they have no bur­ De-spite attending North Campus, ensure the safety of all DUMSL stu­ den of proving to anyone exactly officials are worried that their loyal­ dents." what they did. It is sensitive infor­ ty might lie with the primitive cul­ However, there have already mation. ture of South Campus. These stu­ been some cases of what critics are "Well, duh," Gorge said. "If we dents claim they are simply students calling an abuse of power. don't keep things a secret then of the University just like everyone Suspected terrorist rebels have been how's we going to trick those old else, even if they come from a dif­ taken from their classes on North terrorists? It's like a game of poker ferent campus. Campus and sent to Guacamole back on the ranch; you can't let "It is infuriating," says Suheir Cove to be held captive without them see your dice." Parking worries no more: student complaints provoke change

BY CHASTITY ISOVERRATED directly on the parking lots. only the science, music, and adminis­ Staff Dimwit' Parking has been a persistent, tration buildings would be spared. perennial frustration on the DUMSL Incidentally, George is a tenured sci­ In response to years of student campus, and student complaints did ence professor alongside his duties as complaints, University officials have not dissipate even after the construc­ chief administrator and his wife, announced a drastic proposal to tion of two 900-space garages during Barbara Bacharach, is an accom­ improve campus parking. At a press the past year. plished noisemaker on the music fac­ conference Monday, Chancellor Tom Some students have voiced con­ ulty. Boy George unveiled a proposal to cerns that the extra five-minute walk At the press conference, most stu­ raze 95% of campus and build one from the new MSC garage might dents greeted the chancellor's propos­ giant lot. . infringe on .their weekday post-school al with enthusiasm and praise. Neve "Frankly, I have never encountered soap opera schedule or permanently Erwalken, junior, alchemy, said she is a bigger bunch of whiny, self-centered callous neatly manicured feet. excited about the changes planned, but lay-abouts in my academic career," "It's an absolute abomination," said wonies that the excess of asphalt and said George. 'The students wouldn't Tippie Calamerican, freshman, physi­ outdoor classrooms may lead to other shut up about parking, so me and the cal education, earlier this year. "TIllS is problems, like excessive heat. suits over at Woods Hall decided to America; we aren't supposed to have "Is it possible to air condition an stick it to 'em and just pave over the to WALK anywhere. Wasn't there a entire parking 10t7" asked Erwalken. whole damn campus. That oughta shut constitutional amendment passed "Maybe it would be even better if they them up for good" about that way back when?" could just create some sort of drive­ According to the proposal, the When questioned about which thru university, you know, like a majority of classes would meet in buildings would be demolished and McDegree or something .. .now, that moveable tarpaulin-covered tents which would remain, George said that would be convenient." Page FOREl messages in my say foul words whenever voice mail telling me I I want really. It's one of suck. I think some pe0- the advantages of being ple have even tried to 24, I am an adult, I'll say send me telepathic mes­ what I want. Stop being Well, ladies and germs, the word and he had a fever and bronchitis at the The bee in our bonnett sages telling me I suck. so toucby, folks, has just been handed dovm from the time, but that is a weak excuse. He After being bombarded home office: it seems all white people should have admitted his racism at the It turns out that all by so many people say­ 4) I don't submit to the are truly racist. very beginning just to get it out of the ing this I have come to administration This stunning announcement puts way, the conclusion that it No, I don't do what manv of the worst events in world his­ In the end, white people should find white folks are must be true, and here' the administration tory' in perspective, For instance, the the announcement very liberating. are ten reasons wby. wants. I do what I feel is National Basketball Association. It They no longer have to pretend to be best for the paper. seems the only reason the three-point polite to the black people of the world. indeed racist. This 10) I look for truth Sometimes that conflicts shot was instituted was so that white Indeed, they can go back to their old Evidently in this day and age, pe0- with what the administration wants, but guys could still compete in the black­ ways. After all, we all know white ple could care less about the truth. Last tough. I refuse to bow to the pressures dominated SpOlt. people never learn their lesson. They after years of spec- year (as news eclitor) I got harassed of administrators, To be fair, I have not It also appears that Hollywood is will surely be clamoring for slavery to about my writing because I wrote sto­ received any flack from our new chan­ out to get Spike Lee after all. The con­ be reinstated and cotton plantations ries that were not necessarily good cellor, troversial and critically acclaimed reDpened, ulation from the news, Boo hoo, Get over it Sometimes (albeit black) director has been Black people, on the other hand, the truth hurts. 3) I'm stubborn snubbed by Oscar many times, and it finally have evidence as to why they black community, Yep, it's true. I am set in my ways appears that it is because he is black, never received their forty acres and a 9) I am a racist and I don't want to change. That's not not because his movies were inferior mule. Indeed this is a day of true reve­ I did not know I was a racist I to say I am against the idea of change. to those released that same year, lations l their suspicions thought some of my best friends were If I was, I would not be engaged light In the most stunning announce­ Black leaders around the world black and Latino, but evidently they now, On the whole, though, I like what ment made by the white people's should rejoice. Lewis Farakhan, AI were just really tan. In fact, I had one I like and hate what I hate and that prob­ headquarters, it appears as though OJ, Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, congratula­ prooved to be true. guy we shall call Geraldo (you know ably won't change. Simpson really clid NOT kill Nicole tions, you were rigbt all along, who you are) come into the office and Brown and her lover and that the real In other shocking news, the leaders yell at me for 20 minutes about how 2) I was against the war killer DOES frequent Florida golf of black people and the leaders of All whites hate all racist (and apparently anti-Islamic) I Yep, I clidn't think we sbould go into courses. white people announced a was before he was escorted from the Iraq, and still don't think we should This announcement also brings stunning trade. The blacks office by campus police. Let us not for­ have. Sure, we caught Saddam, but into sharp relief the n~ to get the rullOunCed they were tracling blacks. get the race relations fOmID either, That where are the weapons of mass destruc­ black players out of the National Jimi Hendrix to was tons 0' fun, tion? I am still waiting, but I'm not Hockey League. Playcrs like the whites for We demand holding my breath. Edmonton's Georges Eminem. The 8) I smoke LlTaque, Los Angeles' legendary Let us all rejoice in That's right, I smoke. I inhale nox­ 1) I'm white Anson Cruter, rock- and­ ious chemicals. I put the c.ancer stick in In case you clid not know, I am a Carolina's roller my mouth and light it. It's my choice white man. In tcxlay's world, being K e v i n Hendrix though, so bac.k off. Let me smoke if I 'white means you suck. I can't really We ekes, will officially newfound freedoms want to. defend my skin pigmentation, so that's Calgary's join the white about it. Jaromc Iginla team while Eminem, 7) I don't like "Dubya" and SI. LDuis' superstar rapper and 'Bow can you not support the pres­ There yon go, 10 reasons wby I Jam a 1 proud papa, will officially of accepting our ident in this time of crisis?" Heard that suck. I hope people have a more thor­ Mayers be made black. one a few time. I don't like his politics, ough understanding of why I suck If will In the end, this should be I don't like his leadership style. I don't you can think of any others, please great for the world. White like his grammar. W11te me. I love hearing I suck. be people no longer have to hate. Let us all pretend to be nice play­ and black ing 1I1 people's revel in the truth a Mud season rules!! league dominat- As the sun kisses the frosty muck season, skiing, our almost-a-Great­ ed by that white people of Mru'ch, and the piquant scent of Lake and summer antiquing is vegetative decay rises. intended to lure the white I cOIllillend myself on uninitiated to the Ego guys, and sus- a fine choice of spring state outside of its Maniacs since all white people ru'e racists, they piclOns are are racist bastards break destination. The true peak season. will undoubtedly clamor for the black finally exorbitant sum spent Vennonters are DARTH GRANGER players to gct the boot. proven. On the whole. this could be on airfare, the frustra­ happy to share the We here at The Stagnant say it's called a banner day for all parties tion of cancelled bounty of fall, winter NOXIOUS ECLAIR about time people came out of the involved. No more suspicious glances, and move on with flights and the shriv­ and summer. They eled houseplants I will will not even PURPLE FLOYD racist closet and admitted who they no more worI)' about which white guy are. You'd think that after this year's has the KKK outfit at bome. TIlEY return home to--all begrudge your stay BUSTY McFEE race relations fomm, white people ALL DO! Hurrah! hope for the future. such trivia fades from into spring, so long as around the world would have come White people have said they still mind as I behold the the snow holds. But SEXY SHOCKER clean and admitted their bigotry. With deny' being racist against Latinos, inspiring phenomenon with that first good such strong arguments made at that Asians and Arabs. That's just a little that is Mud Season in thaw, well, don't CHEERY MCPERKY forum (could be some sarcasm here), side note. The only people they admit PSYCHE! New England, expect such warmth A.d. how could it be denied any longer? It to hating are blacks, so, mum, weird, Though it is out of from your hosts, is laughable. How did that Current Anyway, let us all rejoice in our character for me to be Never heard of Mud The editorial to the right is editor-in-chief Jason Granger, or newfound freedoms! Let us bask in the disingenuous with Season? That just what we think, so bite me. Bastard McJackass as we here at The glory of admitted racism. We don't really care what family, it is true that r shows how carefully encouraged them to believe I made Stagnant call him, leave the room And if you believe what is '.vritten you think, so don't bug us. the secret is guarded. alive? Sure, it was an entire room of above, we have a bridge we'd like to the trip for the pleasure of their com­ Oh, to wade with musical, slurpy Seriously, we were black students going after him at once, sell you in Brooklyn. in the pany. But they must have an inkling, strides along sidewalks, soupy earth E TERS middle of a nap and stuff. and surely, they would do the same if playfully tugging the shoes from they too were mired fru' from the your feet as a festive rooster-spray of MAIL We could care less about what sweet springtime sludge of Vennont. grayish debris speckles the back of vou have to say so don't write us. I may have to sacrifice some time to your coat. To see the grub-pallored It'll save us time going to the dinners and gatherings, but such is natives emerge blinking into the first trash can the price for their hospitality, rays of spring sun, either to search for Vennonters have long engaged in mired pets or wait for tow-trucks, FAX a fonn of tourism subterfuge. The community simply comes alive We kinda forgot. Though they covet the revenue that with goodwill and frivolity, It is not . visitors generate, they are wary of uncommon to see drivers offering a E - MAIL - All white people ARE racist exposing their greatest assets to the refreshing spray of runoff, via a Forgot that too, How do you feel about the masses, It's a small state, after all, qwck swerve to the curb, to pedestri­ - I really suck and they would like to keep some ans. They, in turn, respond with an Letters to the editor will only run topics we've written about? - Vennont mud things for their own. I risk exile for array of hand gestures and greetings if they compliment someone on what I am about to reveal here, so I in the regional style and dialect to staff. If you have something nega­ hope you are duly appreciative of show their appreciation, Old-fash­ tive to say, oh well. You are plum how much I care for you, dear media ioned New England neighborliness at out of luck. All letters should be -Ignore the open door policy consumer. As always, I put your need its best. ZO words and under as we have to be informed above my concern for Unfortunately, I am enjoying but a short attention spans and we tend You can make your voice - Whine to a vice chancellor self (but if this space is blank next brief stay in a brief season, and will to nod off after more than ZO - Tattle to someone you think can week, please infonn the authorities to not have the opportunity for all I words. If you are writing to tell us first calion the \Tennont Department would like to do. But I plan to join in how cool "South Park" and "Crank heard in a variety of ways! control the paper (they can't) of TOlilism). as much revelry as possible this sea­ Yankers" are, we will definitely You see, the truth is." all of that son--after all, now that the secret is run your letter. Both of those publicity and hoopla over foliage out, next year it may be too crowded. shows have funny retards and we like funny retards, like President Bush!

tIIa l'Ie Y bY,fFPornOgrapher Darth Granger Clark Kent staJJ Token Jew Purple Floyd Soon to fail Bound for Glory Second-year Frosh About to fly Wbat question would Campus Menace Window Dressing Sado-Masochistic Studies Lois Studies ----,,------,,------~,,------,,---- Who thinks up these insane ques­ yoU ask for the I'd ask ,'Do you have any pornog­ tions each week? AntJ do you So, do we do it now, or do we Who's yer daddy, baby? Oh yeah! raphy I could borrow for a couple t know of a place nearby to get a wait 'til later? UnderStagnan ,? • of hours?' good kugel? ----,,---- " ---~,,------~,,--- March 32, 2004 <1tw Current Page 55 and sunny D EAR MOTHER E ARTH: The best album that You REALLY SUCK option to the traditional scientific minded about the existence of the you've never heard argument. Great Vacuum at the center of the "Gravity is only a theory," assert­ Earth. There is another way to ed Francine Fundamentalist, a stu­ explain this effect. It is the effect of This week: TIle Beatles' 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' dent at a recent campus protest out­ this force on us all. Simply put, the side the physics department. ''There truth is that the Earth sucks." BY DARTH GRANGER always a recipe for disaster. Huh? No, What about "Weird AI" Yankovic? No are significant flaws in the theory, For the past week, student protest­ T~~i-a-Ri}ji~- -- Mike, I have never heard "Yellow answer, just as I thought. many more than in the theory of evo­ ers have marched outside the physics Submarine." Criminy. Anywho, this Let us now examine "Being For the lution. If others can challenge that department, forcing some sociaIiy­ song isn't too shabby for a drummer, so Benefit of Ml: Kite." This is a lovely theory, why shouldn't we be able to awkward physics majors to make eye Just the other day, a friend of mine I guess I cannot complain too terribly love song written by Lennon. The har­ offer an alternative to the Theory of contact with assertive non-science introduced me to a little-known musical monies and heartfelt lyrics are incredi­ Gravity? There is another way to majors and causing an outbreak of group from across the pond called The bly moving. In this song Lennon says to interpret the evidence." mumbling and sweating as they try to Beatles. Bear with me now, I know they --"-- . his lady fair, ''In my life, I'll love you Dr. Neutron Spin of the DUMSL evade the protesters' pamphlets and have a weird name, but they still put out On the whole, 'Sgt. more." DAMMIT, MIKE! WHAT DO physics department conceded that fliers. Campus police believe that the halfway decent music, and could be a YOU WANT? Mike is saying the song Pepper' is an incon­ I am referring to "In My Life" from BY CATHERINE THE GREAT there are indeed flaws in the Theory situation is under control but are marginally successful group someday. sistent and some­ "Rubber Soul." v,'hat the hell does he Scfe'1ce CoLUmn-1st of Gravity. watching the group. Meanwhile, the The album he played for me was 'We do not fully understand how chancellor has been presented with a "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club what weak effort.... know? Next up is the breakfast cereal com­ gravity works but research continues petition to replace the physics with a Band." Weird name for a weird group, Mike says I am a to improve our understanding of the vacuumology department. but the music was still not too shabby. mercial song "Good Moming, Good phenomenon," said Dr. Spin in a This guy, we'll call him Mike Sherwin, dumbass. What's he Monring." I don't know what it is about recent interview. "However, just "At the very least, the University seems to think that The Beatles are the know? He also goes this song, but it makes me want to eat Several college physics depart­ because the theory is not perfect, could teach the topic alongside the most popular group of all time, they on about some Kellogg's Com Flakes. In fact, the ments have recently faced a challenge have sold more albums than anyone singer, Paul McCartney I believe, actu­ there is no reason to doubt the exis­ Theory of Gravity. We think every quack named Elvis already familiar to biologists, with tence of gravity. It isa very funda­ freshman physics course should teach and blah, blah, blah. Then why have I ally mentions com flakes ... dammit, 11,. the rise of a new religious group that mental principle in our work." both side, so we working to have never heard of them, eh, Mike? Presley, whoever this is making me hungry. claims that a fundamental theory of Fundamentalist disagrees. "The smart vacuumlogy included in all Anyway, to the music. The first song that is. Last but not least is the mediocre their field is contrary to their beliefs fact that there are flaws in the theory future physics textbooks," said is the title track. It's a slow number that song, "A Day in the Life." This song and is offering a new kind of proves there is no such thing as grav­ Fundamentalist. ''The truth is: the struggles to incorporate any kind of --" just fails to get off the ground. It starts research, smart vacuumology, as an ity. Too many scientists are close- Earth sucks." electric guitar at all. That may be the of with some promise, then fizzles its downfall of the entire album: its lack of way down to a lingering note. original effects in the studio. This much, canl? Interestingly, my dog went into convul­ group, The Beat1es, just did not experi­ Up next on our list is "Lucy in the sions while listening to "A Day in the ment enough ...what? Sherwin just told Sky with Diamonds" or LSD as I like to Life." I can only assume she hated the me the title track has lots of electric gui­ call it ... wow, 1 just noticed that spells song. Weirdly enough, she was scratch­ tar and evidently I am a raging ninny. out a drug. How ironic. Anyway, this is ing at her ears like she could hear some The next song is ''With a Little Help a lounge-style tune that would make high piched note. Vice chancellor wants From My Friends." This song features Frank Sinatra proud. In fact, the singer, On the whole, "Sgt. Pepper" is an the vocal styings of Ringo Starr; what John Lennon, sounds almost exactly inconsistent and somewat weak effOlt. the hell kinda name is that? Starr isn't like Sinatra. (Damrnit, Mike, shut up.) There is potential, but these lads from spelled with two Rs, for Clying out Mike says Lennon sounds nothing like Liverpool have a long way to go yet. ; .more bigfoot, less news loud! Anyway, this guy is the drummer Sinatra and Lennon is widely consid­ Jeesie Creesie Mike, what now? Mike for this group and evidently they let the ered to be the greatest songwriter of all says I am a dwnbass. What's he know? Dear Editor, paid to good use. I think it should be trist. drummer sing songs in this group, time. Yeah right, Mike. What about He also goes on about some quack So I have a question. Only I cannot mandatory that the campus newspaper Just some food for thought for the Michael Nesmith of The Monkees? named ~lvis Presley, whoever that is . remember what it was. So I will say report only what the students want to so called real joumalists from a so this, The Current sucks. Really, what's hear. Students want to know how called reader .... Wait, that doesn't ~ the big idea? I like reading about aliens much an impending budget cut is make sense. Damn. abducting women from their beds and going to affect them. They don't want impregnating them. I like hearing to hear that there is some weirdo video Sincerely, about a good Bigfoot or Elvis sighting, taping women answering nature's call Perry Jtubanl not what some people call "real news." (yuck, by the by. Who gets off on stuff Vice chancellor of Academic This is ridiculous. I really would like like that?)They want a distraction. Blunders to see The Current put the money I They want Tom Cruise caught in a gay

Retard pees in pool, loves it Dear lady, I peed in your pooll I peed in you r poo U YAYI I peed in your pool. YA YI YAYI YAY!

Sincerely , Special Ed Wh do the rea ers In Results from the weekly web poll: Geese bearing war's brunt Does The Current suck; com ii, ison to Dear editor, geese have ~n? They used to be so Campus is also haunted. I have seen I would like to comment on the sweet and loving, now they attack any­ the ghosts there myself, so they'll ongoing conflict betwee.n North and thing that moves, including their shad­ come running back soon enough and The StagnalJ(_? __ J South Campus. I think it is time that ows. we get to the task of rebuilding. I'd this whole silly war come to an end. I say let the goofy rebels succeed. also like to ad that I like feet .. .I don't Hell ~ 98% (980votes) Now I know Chancellor Gorge is They will come back soon enough. Do know why, but I like feet May I see yeah!------... happy with the way the war is going, they think they can survive without your feet? but my car was destroyed again two North Campus? I think not. They have days ago. This is the fourth time this to Tou-Pac. They have no MSC. They Sincerely, No, The Current rocks ... ass --••~ 1% (10 votes) year .. .I am getting frustrated. have no bathrooms (Or do they? I may Tootsie McFetish This war has far reaching ramifica­ have lied on that one ...sorry). I would Sophomore, Shoe SaIes tions . Have you seen how skittish the like to point out the fact that South No, but they should be punished ~ . 5% (5 votes) This just in: Arthur------..~.5% (5 votes) THE STAG NANT STAFF ARE SEXY >!

...... - -- ~~ March 32, 2004 1k Stagnant For a good time, page Missy at 777-7777, incalls only DUMSLu veils new housing designs

An artist's ren­ garage because we didn' t want stu­ University Park dering depicts dents to feel embarrassed about their one of the twen­ homes, and we didn't want to scare features comfy ty trailer apart­ away any potential students," he said. ment complexes Fitter went on to say that the view trailer park living that make up of the garage might help commuters University Park, become more acquainted with stu­ the newest dents who live on campus. BY MISSY DITZY campus re:;iden­ The biggest advantage to the new Staff Fetishist tial living facili­ housing is the affordable rates. While ty. Each trailer other residence halls charge more is divided into 3 than a thousand dollars a semester, With the skyrocketing enrollment bedrooms, parti­ University Park provides a triple rate and more students choosing to tioned by 2x4s. occupancy charge of only $200 pel live on campus, DUMSL has decided The idea for the semester. to expand and provide cheaper hous­ complex came "We want students to get the besl ing facilities to students. after university out of their education without being University Park was constructed officials noticed forced to worry about expensive during the 2003-2004 Wrnter Break, a number of housi.ng," said Director of Facilitie, and the facilities were unveiled at the construction and Services Bob Builder. start of the 2004 winter semester. This trailers lay Resident Assistant Bobbi Ray housing community has over 20 dou­ vacant beh ind believes that University Pm'ks is 2 blewide trailers to accommodate stu­ Garage Q. work in progress. dent needs. "I don't mind living in University This new residential community is Pm'k because I grew up on a farm ane idated appearance, "University Park DUMSL officials agreed to pay the bar with a genuine handcrafted stool and is a short walk away from a Tri­ this reminds me of home," Ray said. located right behind the recently fin­ makes other campus facilities, such as company $2,000 and a lifetime sup­ and a port-a-potty located right next State bus stop. ished Parking Garage Q, across from Students interested in living in om Beverly Hills Apartments, seem luxu­ ply of free food from Chartsmells for to the porch. Other amenities include Construction Project Manager of these fmancially economical trail­ the police station and MetroStink riOllS," said Billy Club,junior, martial the use of Boff's condemned and dis­ already-installed Christmas lights and Piper Fitter explained why University stop. ers can visit the main office, locatec arts. continued homes. a pink flamingo in each yard. officials chose the location of this next to the lawn ornament outlet ane Despite the few strong odors, After signing a contract with Each trailer has three bedrooms University Park is conveniently campus residence facility. crawling rodents and a slightly dilap- Parking Garage Q, or call 516 Boff's mobile home retailers, separated by 2x4 bearns, a breakfast located near most DUMSL buildings 'We set the trailers up behind the DUMP. Chartsmells offers new wall- P OOL O F DREAMS, from page 6 Opening ceremonies will take start at 8:00 p.m. 'We want the students to be free and place at noon on August 33rd. The The pool will be 100 feet long by secure in themselves." ceremony will open up with a speech 75 feet wide. One high-powered jet South Campus should not feel and ribbon cutting by Chancellor ---, will be put in each comer to create neglected, though. They will have a friendly dining selections followed by DUMSL faculty per­ waves for kayaking and white-water Sno-Cone stand and hot dog stand fonning synchronized swimming. rafting. The pool will be heated for opening as well. That way, all BY PURPLE FLOYD There will be canoe races, a can­ swimming in the winter. The roof DUMSL students will have some­ nonball contest and a dunking con­ will be a retractable dome for thing to look forward to when they Future Dictator currently the only student group conflict has escalated in the past test. There will also be snacks and starlight swims. Swimsuits will be come back to school for the new required to purchase a meal plan. months, leaving residents with a seri­ music poolside, and a bonfire will optional. Accordong to tbe president, semester. Next year, each resident will be ous risk concerning dining. Several After a mutinous uprising by hun­ obligated to buy a $932 plan. Of this students have admitted to walking to gry students, Chartsmells has decid­ amount, $768 will go toward week­ downtown St. Louis and riding the ed to offer a new dining selection at ANNOYING RANT, end meals, leaving $164 for weekday MetroStink to North Campus to from page 6 the start of the fall 2004 school year. dining. avoid being recognized as a South "Students started to throw more Next year will be the first year that Campus supporter. pizza than they ate," said Joseph weekend dining services are provid- Jimmy Morrison, freshman, Sloppi, manager ofChartsmells. 'We Don't they realize that we're all in a scmy-ass house near the Loop, author, it's these greedy ambitious stu· music theory, is glad that Chartsmells lacking substantially in cer.tain areas? have discussed the issue, and have and we didn't get attacked or any­ dents who've bought into this notior has decided to change the menu. How many people do you know who that it's okay to b( come to the conclusion that we need trung. We were even greeted by a "Right now I'd rather eat out of a own a brand new Jeep, have unlimited to provide a more diverse menu that creepy looking butler named Roger. responsible ... sheesh! --"-- dumpster on the East Side than funds, keep a good-looking figure and Who the hell hires a butler named It's like you all want meaning ane won't do damage if it is flung across We ••. have come to the endure a twice fried potato from a dining room." live in a world without responsibili­ Roger anyway? Still, the worst thing success out of life or something. Wha Chartsmells," he said. "I've heard ties? that happened to us is that my friend, the hell, do your parents actually haVe New menu items will include conclusion that we about some of the stuff they're going I'll bet the answer is If such is dishes such as refried sardine ravioli, need to provide a zero. Linda, who has this aversion to shav­ anything better to do with their hard to serve next year. I'm especially the case, then doe.sn 't that bother you? ing her legs, had her shin by earned money other than give it to yot baked cous cous, artichoke pie, humpen more diverse menu looking forward to the tuna peanut How are we supposed to get attacked Buster, a young Cocker Spaniel. No so that the rest of us can enjoy immea blanched tofu nuggets and green t hat won't do damage butter melts." by estranged issue-ridden demons that ghosts. No crazy scientists. I didn't surable amounts of illegal substances' bean almandine. For the time being, Chartsmells are 6,000 years old if we can't even even find a secret passage into some Tell your parents to share. It is onI] "We feef like this improved menu if it is flung across a and Building Operations have hung afford a daily triple-shot macchiato dark unknown dust-laden laboratory." fair that our campus keeps up with th( will improve student satisfaction dining room. large sheets of plastic in the Snosh latte from the local Starbucks? God., It is disappointing indeed when one rest of the world. It is selfish bastard: with our services," Sloppi said. cafeteria. Anyone wishing to pur­ it's sickening. CDnsiders how mediocre our DUMSL DUMSL is also working with like you and your parents who prohib - Joseph Sioppi, Chartsmells chase food is required to wear a parka Here is an account given by world can be. Perhaps it's the city. it nerds like me from being bedded b) Chartsmells to develop another alter­ manager and goggles. Brandy, junior, education. "The other Maybe the efficient and overzealous busty promiscuous forei gn girls native meal plan. Students on acade­ "The North and South Campus day, six friends and I went and stayed police m"e to blame. If you ask this DAMMIT! mic probation, those who are delin­ war is really intense in that area," quent in paying University fees and --" said Sunny Melanoma, junior, all who are not in favor of building biotanning. "There's food flying the new "Feel Good Center" are a APRIL EVENTS, from page 6 ed. everywhere. Last week I got hit in the part of this menu. "Right now all I eat from Friday eye with a bratwurst." "Tbese individuals are a hin­ afternoon until Monday morning is According to researchers in the drance to the success of DUMSL," grass from the lawn in front of my Feline Phrenology Department, emo­ Another event on the C.(l.mpus calen­ lecture on organizational experience. how to submit an event. said Chancellor Curious George. dorm," said resident of Bella South tions are running high at DUMSL. dar takes place on Wednesday, April 3. Evelything said that it is not hard when Other upcoming events include a "They will best serve this school as residence hall Betty Crocker, junior, The Campus conflict situation is only Interested students can benefit from the writing in what organizations you have turkey-basting contest, the Natural lunch. Studies have shown that col­ invertebrate medicine and theater. aggravated by displeasure with din­ priceless knowledge they will been involved with in your school. Bridge luge competition, tIle 100- lege students are full of essential "I'm glad we're finally getting food ing secv·ices. Researchers hope that a undoubtedly gain at the "Learn what to "Eating in the Snosh is a social meter waddle mld a series of lectures nutrients. I myself make a mean stu­ on South Campus. It's about time. new menu will ease some tensions so v..TIte on an application that a.~l0, 'What event. You can count that. Or grab tIill­ by the ghost of Alfred Hitcbcock. dent souffie." I'm afraid to go over to North that conflict negotiation may begin. organizations have I been involved teen friends mld make up a club. Every Students interested in learning more This development in dining ser­ Campus, what with the war and all." For more information concerning in?'" lecture. This program will help school needs a Jose Cuervo club." about upcoming events for April vices will result in an increase in the Tbe North and South Campus Chartsmells, call 516-TUNA. students gain insight on what CDmpa­ "Submit an Event" is scheduled for should go to the Office of Student price of meal plans. Residents are nies look for when reviewing the job Friday and Saturday, and will take Living, located under the remains of application section concerning place somewhere, sometime, and is Parking Garage JK, or check out the extracurricular experience. about something that should be inter­ campus calendar at their website, A board member of .tvlicrohard, esting to students who may have wwv.'.DUMSLstufftodo.gov.eduievent Iowna Everything, will be giving the missed the event on Monday about sandstulf.

Invite you and a guest to a special screening. Stop by The Current offices at 388 Millennium Student Center to pick up a complimentary screening pass for two to see _11M WU ROCK ST _UP THE FOR \¥!I.AT'S WALKING RIGIIT TALL 7:30 phi • Thursday, April 1st

Come sit back and enjoy 'an evening of comedy featuring Reggie AMC Esquire • 6706 Clayton Rd McFadden, Honest John, and AC. Doors open at 6:30pm show starts at St. Louis, Mo 63 1 17 No purchase necessary. Wh ile supplies last. 7:00pm. Please be advised show may contain explicit material . If there Passes available on a first-corne, first-served basis. are any questions please call 314.516.5291 . For tickets, please visit Participating sponsors are ineligible. This movie is the Blanche M. Touhill Performing Arts Center Box office, or call rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence sexual content, drug material and language. J 314.516.4949. Tickets go on sale March 17th. 6r~~{~~;;:!E~~~;~ IN THEATRES FRrDAy. APRil 2ND!

This event is sponsored by the University of Missouri · Sl LouisAssociated Black Collegians, and the University Program Board. Can you read and write at at least a third-grade reading level?

Then you've got what it takes to work at (he Cnrrenl. S"-peak to OOt Managing EWtoc taday 3-oout employment opportunities. March 32, 2004 ~Ite. Stagn ant Fora good time, page Missy at 777-7777, incalls only DUMSL unveils new ousing designs

An artist's ren­ garage because we didn't want stu University Park dering depicts dents to feel embarrassed about theiJ one of the twen­ homes, and we didn't want to scarl features comfy ty trailer apart­ away any potential students," he said ment complexes Fitter went on to say that the vie\\ trailer park living that make up of the garage might help commuter: University Park, become more acquainted with stu the newest dents who Jive on campus. BY MISSY DITZY campus residen­ The biggest advantage to the ne\' Staff Fetishist tial living facili­ housing is the affordable rates. Whil< ty. Each trailer other residence halls charge mon is divided into 3 than a thousand dollars a semester With the skyrocketing enrollment bedrooms, parti­ University Park provides a tIipl< rate and more students choosing to tioned by 2x4s. occupancy charge of only $200 pe live on campus, DUMSL has decided The idea for the semester. to eXp'and and provide cheaper hous­ complex came 'We want students to get the bes ing facilities to students. after university out of their education without beinl University Park was constructed officials noticed forced to worry about expensiv< during the 2003-2004 Winter Break, a number of housing," said Director of Facilitie: and the facilities were unveiled at the construction and Services Bob Builder. start of the 2004 winter semester. This trailers lay Resident Assistant Bobbi Ra: housing community has over 20 dou­ vacant behind believes that University Parks is : blewide trailers to accommodate stu­ Garage Q. work in progress. dent needs. "I don't mind living in Universi~ This new residential community is Park because I grew up on a farm ant idated appearance, "University Park DUMSL officials agreed to pay the bar with a genuine handcrafted stool and is a short walk away from a Tri­ this reminds me of home," Ray said. located right behind the recently fin­ makes other campus facilities, such as company $2,000 and a lifetime sup­ and a port- a-potty located right next State bus stop. ished Parking Garage Q, across from Students interested in living in Oill Beverly Hills Apartments, seem luxu­ ply of free food from Chartsmells for to the porch. Other amenities include Construction Project Manager of these financially economical trail the police station and MetroStink rious," said Billy Club, junior, martial the use of Boff's condemned and dis­ already-installed Christmas lights and Piper Fitter explained why University stop. ers can visit the main office, locate< arts. continued homes, a pink flamingo in each yard. officials chose the location of this next to the lawn ornament outlet an, Despite the few strong odors, . After signing a contract with Each trailer has three bedrooms Uruversity Park is conveniently campus residence facility. crawling rodents and a slightly dilap- Parking Garage Q, or call 516 Boff's mobile home retailers, separated by 2x4 beams, a breakfast located near most DUMSL buildings 'We set the trailers up behind the DUMP. Chartsmells offers new wall- POOL OF DREAMS, from page 6 Opening ceremonies will take start at 8:00 p.m. 'We want the students to be free and place at noon on August 33rd. The The pool will be 100 feet long by secure in themselves." ceremony will open up with a speech 75 feet wide. One high-powered jet South Campus should not feel and ribbon cutting by Chancellor ---, will be put in each comer to create neglected, though. They will have a friendly dining selections followed by DUMSL faculty per­ waves for kayaking and white-water Sno-Cone stand and hot dog stand forming synchronized swimming. rafting. The pool will be heated for opening as well. That way, all BY PURPLE FLOYD There will be canoe races, a can­ swinuning in the winter. The roof DUMSL students will have some­ nonball contest and a dunking con­ will be a retractable dome for thing to look forward to when they Future Dictator currently the only student group conflict has escalated in the past test. There will also be snacks and starlight swims. Swimsuits will be come back to school for the new required to purchase a meal plan. months, leaving residents with a seri­ music poolside, and a bonfire will optional. Accordong to the president, semester. Next year, each resident will be ous risk concerning dining. Several After a mutinous uprising by hun­ obligated to buy a $932 plan. Of this students have admitted to walking to gry students, Chartsmells has decid­ amount, $768 will go toward week­ downtown St. Louis and riding the ed to offer a new dining selection at ANNOYING RANT, end meals, leaving $164 for weekday MetroStink to North Campus to from page 6 the start of the fall 2004 school year, dining. avoid being recognized as a South "Students started to throw more Next year will be the first year that Campus supporter. pizza than they ate," said Joseph weekend dining services are provid- Jimmy Morrison, freshman, Don't they realize that we're all in a scary-ass house near the Loop, author, it's these greedy ambitious stu Sloppi, manager of Chartsmells. "We music theory, is glad that Chartsmells have discussed the issue, and have lacking substantially in certain areas? and we didn't get attacked or any­ dents who've bought into this notiO' has decided to change the menu. How many people do you know who thing. We were even greeted by a that it's okay to b come to the conclusion that we need ''Right now I'd rather eat out of a own a brand new Jeep, have unlimited to provide a more diverse menu that creepy looking butler named Roger. responsible ... sheesh! --"-- dumpster on the East Side than funds, keep a good-looking figure and Who the hell hires a butler named It's like you all want meaning an· won't do damage if it is flung across We ••• have come to t he endure a twice fried potato from live in a world without responsibili­ Roger anyway? Still, the worst thing success out of life or something. a dining room." Wbi Chartsmells," he said. "I've heard ties? that happened to us is that my friend, the hell, do your parents actually hav New menu items will include conclusion t hat we about some of the stuff they're going I'll bet the answer is zero. If such is Linda, who has this aversion to shav­ anything better to do with their hare dishes such as refried sardine ravioli, need t o provide a to serve next year. I'm especially the case, then doesn't that bother you') baked cous cous, artichoke pie, ing her legs, had her shin humped by earned money other than give it to yo more diverse menu looking forward to the tuna peanut How are supposed to get attacked blanched tofu nuggets and green we Buster, a young Cocker Spaniel. No so that the rest of us can enjoy inID1ec that w on't do damage butter melts." by estrangoo issue-ridden demons that ghosts. No crazy scientists. I didn't surable anlOunts of illegal substances bean almandine. For the time being, Chartsmells are 6,000 years old if we can't even even fmd a secret passage into some "We fed like this improved menu if it is flb!ng across a Tell your parents to share. It is onJ and Building Operations have hung afford a daily tri ple-shot macchiato dark unknovm dust-laden laboratory." fair that our campus keeps up with th will improve student satisfaction dining room. large sheets of plastic in the Snosh latte from the local Starbucks? God, It disappointing indeed when one with our services," Sloppi said. is rest of the world. It is selfish ba~tard cafeteria. Anyone wishing to pur­ it's sickening. considers how mediocre our DUMSL parent~ DUMSL is also working with like you and your who prohit chase food is required to wear a parka Here an account given by world can be. Perhaps it's the city. Chartsmells to develop another alter­ - Joseph Sloppi, Chartsmells is it nerds like me from being bedded b manager and goggles. Brandy, junior, education. "The other Maybe the efficient and overzealous busty promiscuous foreign girl ~ native meal plan. Students on acade­ "The North and South Campus day, six friends and I went and stayed police are to blame. If you ask this DAMMIT! mic probation, those who are delin­ war is really intense in that area," quent in paying University fees and --,, -- said Sunny Melanoma, junior, all who are not in favor of building biotanning. "There's food flying the new ''Feel Good Center" are a APRIL EVENTS. from page 6 ed. everywhere. Last week I got hit in the ---..... - --. ... --.... _...... _.. - ...... _._.. _ . ... _--_..... __._- .... _.-.-_. ... _... part of this menu. "Right now all I eat from Friday eye with a bratwurst." "These individuals are a hin­ afternoon until Monday moming is According to researchers in the drance to the success of DUMSL," grass from the lawn in front of my Feline Phrenology Department, emo­ Another event on the campus calen­ lecture on organizational experience. how to submit an event said Chancellor Curious George. donn," said resident of Bella South tions are running high at DUMSL. dar takes place on VieJnesday, April 3. Everything said that it is not hard when Other upcoming events include < ''They will best serve this school as residence hall Betty Crocker, junior, The Campus conflict situation is only Interested students eM benefit from the writing in what organizations you have turkey-basting contest, the Naun-a lunch. Studies have shown that col­ invertebrate medicine and theater. aggravated by displeasure with din­ priceless knowledge they will been involved with in your school. Bridge luge competition, the loo lege students are full of essential ''I'm glad we're finally getting food ing services. Researchers hope that a undoubtedly gain at the "Learn what to ''Eating in the Snosh is a social meter waddle and a series of lecture! nutrients. I myself make a mean stu­ on South Campus. It's about time. new menu will ease some tensions so write on an application that asks 'What event You can count that. Or grab thir­ by the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock dent souffle." I'm afraid to go over to North that conflict negotiation may begin. organizations have I been involvoo teen friends and make up a club. Every Students interested in learning mono This development in dining ser­ Campus, what with the war and all." For more information concerning in?'" lecture. This program will help school needs a Jose Cuervo club." about upcoming events for Apri vices will result in an increase in the The North and South Campus Chartsmells, call 516-TUNA. students gain insight on what compa­ "Submit an Event" is scheduled for should go to the Office of Studenl price of meal plans. Residents are nies look for when reviewing the job Friday and Saturday, and will take Living, located under the remains oj application section concerning place somewhere, sometime, and is Parking Garage JK, or check out thE extracurricular experience. about something that should be inter­ campus calendar at their website A board member of Microhard, esting to students who may have wwwDUMSLstufftodo.gov.eduieveul Iowna Everything, will be giving the missed the event on Monday about sandstuff.

Invite you and a guest to a special screening Stop by The Current offices at 388 Millennium Student Center to pick up a complimentary screening pass for two to see I!I!E !!WI WIll STAL UP THE ROCK FOB W!t~T'S WALKING RIM TALL 7:30 pm • Thursday, April 1st

Come sit back and enjoy 'an evening of comedy featuring Reggie AMC Esquire • 6706 Clayton Rd St. Louis, Mo 631 17 McFadden, Honest John, and AC. Doors open at 6:30pm show starts at No purchase necessary. While supplies last. 7:00pm. Please be advised show may contain explicit material. If there Passes available on a first-come, first-served basis. are any questions please call 314.516.5291. For tickets, please visit Participating sponsors are ineligible. This movie is the Blanche M. Touhill Performi~g Arts Center Box office, or call rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence, sexual content, drug material and language. 314.516.4949. Tickets go on sale March 17th. ~ ~~~~~~~E:~7.!! IN THEATRES FRIDAY, APRfL 2ND!

This event Is sponsored by the University of Missouri - st. LOUis Associated Black Collegians, and the University Program Board. Can you read and write at at least a third-grade reading level? Then YOlt'Ve got what it taRes to work at the C,ttTent. Speak to our Maml-ging Editar today about employment OfJIJDrtunities. ge 8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8.8 ~k. S ...... :::;a gua--- nt. March 32,2004 Bryant to give up rape for ent

different story. It will be tough for me Women around to make sucb a sacrifice, but 1 think Colorado rejoice down the road I will be able to say that I grew and matured from this experi­ at lVBA supersiar's ence," Bryant said. Despite Bryant's recent encounters announcetneni with the law, he says that he will be BiI' DAVID BECKifAM able to move on and build from this expelience. The Lakers office is posi­ vtaj! Flasher tive about the whole situation and Kobe Bryant is notorious for his hopes that he will be able to be seen as hard work ethic on and off the basket­ a role model. Phil Jackson, cunent ball COIlL1, but what you my not know Lakers head coach, enthusiastically is that Bryant also has a very good stated that he "hoped Kobe's example spiritual self-concept Rai5ed in a strict could be followed by current and Catholic neighborhood, Blyant is no future NBA stars" and that "this could meathead when it comes to church and be seen as a move in the right direction spirituality. Bryant often attends for the young star." church twice a week and goes to con­ His fellow teammates all think that fession at least three or four times dur­ this is the best thing for him and for the ing a nOImai week organization. When asked about Lent, Bryant Longtime friend and fellow Lakers said that he had something special this star Karl Malone had positive feed­ year, and that it is not something that is back about Kobe's newest endeavor. velY easy for him to give up for such "With a guy as young as him, it is an extended period of time. surplising to see him give up some­ "I would have to say that this year thing that he is so good at Most guys Photo illustration by Jason GrangerI T~C/lm>n1 will be the toughest one for me yet. 1 his age would not have the guts or the National Basketball Association superstar Kobe Bryant has decided to give up rape for Lent, a move am giving up something that is so nat­ tenacity to try and accomplish some­ widely supported by his teammates and colleagues. Mike Tyson refused to comment. ural and appealing to me. Usually I thing as tenacious as Kobe is out to do would give up something that was not right now. This truly shows his morals place: ' Malone commented. hope to check in and report on Kobe's umental goal and on the Lakers' quest such a burden, but this year is a totally and responsibilities are in the right Throughout the period of Lent we progress and attitude toward this mon- for the championship. He's baaaaack! . Jordan retires from retirement

BY DAVID BECKHAM of multiple retirements on his body. asked about his plans for the futme, Staff Writer His doctor was quoted as saying, Jordan seemed enthusiastic and "Michael was getting an unusual eager to move Qn. After many years of retirement case of laziness and arthritis. It is not "Life is hard when you retire all parties and champagne on ice, leg­ velY often that you see someone of the time. People don't realize that endary NBA basketball Michael this is a day-in and day-out routine. It Jordan has decided to finally decide does not get any easier when you to call it quits from the game of --"-- retire and if you think that retiring again and again will make things bet­ CHEERY MCPERKY retirement Rumor has it that Mr. It was a tough deci-' Jordan had been contemplating this ter, you are just fooling yourself. It is Your Fantasy move since the end of the '02-'03 sion for me to make. not about wiruUng or losing for me retirement season. I had a lot of pres­ anymore. I made this decision for me phone: 516-blah blah "It was a tough decision for me to sure from famiiy and and I look forward to spending some fax: Like you'll fax us make. I had a lot of pressure from time away from the game. In a few friends and family to come up with a f riends to come up years I will be able to reflect on my w ith a decision soon. retirements and say that I did the Questions decision sooa ltis hard retiring all of the time. It starts to wear on you after It is hard retiring all right thing," Jordan said. or a while," Jordan said. So after four retirements from Comments? After his first few retirements, the time. basketball and a short stint in the life Jordan took it easy for a while and of a retired baseball player, Michael We don't care! pent his time golfmg, playing with - Michael Jordan Jordan has fmally decided to hand [email protected] .. . his children and fi shing, just as any over the keys to his golf cart for the other retired person does. It seemed --,, -- last time. His retirement from retir­ that another retirement was exactly ing leaves us with many lasting what Jordan needed to relax and take retire this much and have so many memories of his long and multi­ WEB his mind off his most recent retire­ negative side effects. It just does not retired career, and he ""ill always be ment, which involved a divorce and happen." remembered as the greatest retiree of Let's be honest; you courtesy google.com multiple charity golf tournaments. After only his fifth retirement, the all time. We may never see this kind Michael Jordan has decided to retire from retirement. He said, aren't gonna go to the Shortly after the '02-'03 season, pain of the game was finally too of retiree again; he has truly left a after much pressure from family and f riends, it was time to un­ Jordan started to feel the first effects much for Jordan to handle. When legacy for all of us to share. games anyway. retire.

'ailed homer quaIs dead kid Beerpong sweeps he nation fully doing their job and communicat­ they are supposed to flip the cup and BY DAVID BEC KHA M ing. The team game is not just about have it land on the open end, so that the t1 Columbus, Ohio Staff Flasher you; it is about everyone else. It makes bottom of the cup is now facing up. winning worth it and after a long hard The next person may not start drinking Students around the nation are com­ night of beerpong games you can be until the person in front of them bas peting in the newest fmm of college BY CHEE RY M C PERKY satisfied with your results." flipped their cup successfully. Once drinking fun: it is called beerpong. Your Fantasy There are several in-game rules to this is done you go down the line of Unlike most sports that are limited to follow while playing the 2 vS. 2 game. team until the last per­ one or two styles of playing, the game The game starts with a sort of son on your team com­ A slugging outfielder for the of beerpong gives each student an throw-off, to see which team the flip. linar league Columbus Tigers opportunity to find and perfect his or shoots first. Players from Whichever ,ayed a major role in a little boy's her own style of playas the night goes both teams shoot back team flips all of :ath this weekend when he failed on. forth one by one, and its cups first For those of you who are unfamiliar I fulfill a promise to hit a home run one team makes it, wins. The los­ with what you need to play and the If the child. other has to follow with . team only rules of the game, let this be a sort of Josh Uasha, age seven, had make or the other team rpn""'p~ one of "ocerpong for dummies" reference for ;ked his hero, Michael Bamley, to starts with the first shot. the three cups if ,t a home run for him hours before you. Beerpong consists of a 4x8 piece Once this is determined, the team that won unday afternoon's game. But sec­ of plywood decorated with your own the game is simple: both play­ the team that logo or drawingo..--__ lds after Bamley struck out for the ers from each team shoot at the shot So, if any shoot­ y mrth and fmal time that day, young arti s ti c all other team's cups until one team runs er shot and his team won, )sh took several last, painful painted out of cups. Whatever cups are left on the other team would remove a cup, but a ~e aths and died. 1 I the winning team's side of the table are if someone shot and the other team "Josh was a very sick little boy," over to be chunk by the losing opponents. won then the other team would not tid his doctor, Dr. Mark Jacobs. it , The lone rule about bouncing the ball have to remove a cup and the shooter aut he wasn't on his deathbed. I 2 0 is that the team who was bounced on would just get the ball back to shoot m 't blame anything else but will have to remove two cups if they again. This is played until one team amIey's pathetic display at the are scored on. If the ball is bounced, loses all three cups and then the game late for Joshy's demise." you may swat it away from the cups in IS over. Josh's parents said their son was the air to prevent the two-cup penalty; This little known team game is velY ; excited as they have ever seen good advice says to be aware at all simple and easy to play, but tends to im upon meeting Bamley on o times. leave everyone more drunk at the end Ping-Pong unday morning. "He's a big Tigers Another way of playing the game of the night which is not such a bad balls. It is that simple. Ul and Barn1ey was his favorite involves teamwork Teams can consist thing, considering that most people The game can be played several layer." dif­ of as many people as you would like, probably set out to obtain drunkenness It turns out that Josh did not w­ ferent ways depending on the size of The way to play this type of beerpong in the first place. ally ask Barnley to hit him a home the crowd and the seriousness of your is to set up three cups on opposite sides Now that you know your basics to players. The game can played as 2 m . Instead, Barnley himself be of the table. Each . team selects one at least two types of beer­ vS. 2 or with a team. The easiest and rought up the idea and told Josh he shooter and the other teanunates garnes, what most basic way to play is the 2 on 2 'auld hit a home run in Sunday's stand on the one side of the table you waiting method. TIlls consists of two teams of ame for him. across from the other team. Go out and two players standing on opposite sides "Josh told him that wasn't neces­ The idea for the team in this enjoy a night the 4x8 table, Each team has ten cups ll)'," tvlr. Tyler said, "but Barnley. game is to be able to of endless set up on the table's edge, as pins in a ept insisting, so eventually Josh and flip your cups eerpong. bowling alley would be. The idea of the ,ked him to do it. He was so excit­ than the other team. your game is to try to throw or bounce Ping­ j," . Once a ball is made in a and Pong balls into the other team's cups. Hours later, the boy was dead. cup, whatever side of the hopefu1Iy this An avid beerpong enthusiast com­ "1 blame Barnley," tvlrs. Tyler table the ball is made on .is well-loved mented, "My personal preference is lid. "Josh was so sure Barnley where each team starts to drink. will be rec- definitely the team game. It gets every­ No game of Beerpong is complete without the most important .' 'auld do it for him, even when he The first person from both teams on U"-LllL,,<;;U for its ath­ one at the party involved and gets ad an 0-2 count on him in the ninth the side the ball was made drinks their and competition piece of equipment... BEERI The Stagnant staff recommends Sam mingo Barnley sucks." everyone to let loose for the night. The cup and places it with its bottom facing and can become the newest addition to Adams Brewing's fine line of products. They taste great and will Barnley refused to coJIlIiIent team game really relies on everyone down on the edge of the table. Then, the athletic department. get you drunk to the bejeezus. March 32, 2004 "lite, Stagnant Page nyne

This Medical profes­ human sionals believe March, madness disease reaches liver cell the best form of is infected action with with March March Madness epidemic levels at n UMSL Madness is to let it run Its Disease. course. By mid­ BY DAVID BECKHAM Scientists April, most peo­ ------..~ ~---- ple will have Staff Flasher across the nation for weeks now and now seen up to 20 people diagnosed say the has finally reached the outer limits of with the same problem within only disease recovered. Too many basketball games and our own campus here at DUMSL. the last 48 hours. Doctors are saying springs up too little time have been the symp­ Peter Nordby, student, says that he to keep off your feet and to drink plen­ this time toms of the latest March madness had no clue he was sick until he real­ ty of fluids. They are strongly advis­ each year, cases breaking out on campuses all ized that he could not leave his televi­ ing no usage of television or radio, hence the across the nation. The symptoms start sion. and will tie you down with a restrain­ name. around the second week of March "It is the strangest thing that I have ing order if the problem becomes too every year and doctors have no way ever been sick with. I cannot even get serious. of knowing how to find a cure for this up to eat breakfast in the morning; I Within the last 5 years, the death very rare and unfortunate condition. just go straight to the television with­ estimates of the March madness dis­ an uncontrollable Many of the symptoms include out even thinking about it. I have con­ ease have risen dramatically. Doctors urge to watch laziness, eye soreness from too much stant eye- and headaches. I simply are still struggling to find a remedy for Scientists have college basket­ television, oversleeping, sleeping watched too much basketball," this monumental problem, but have yet to nail down ball and also to with a basketball, leaving your televi­ Nordby commented from the com­ all agreed that for the time being, the an origin for the bet ten dollars in sion on 24 hours a day and constant forts of his couch. best thing to do is keep watching the disease, but they some sort of eating of potato chips, just to name a Nordby was not the only one diag­ games as you normally would but to suspect Duke pool. few. The condition has been sweeping nosed with the problem, as we have try and at least turn down the volume. University. Abhhbbbhhh1!!! Riverpup goes on rampage Bertozzi make a gesture for forgiveness BY DAVID BECKHAM police chief Bob Roeseler was asked asking that you hold them until fur­ .. _-----. - ... -...... ------Staff Flasher about the situation, he responded ther notice. Vancouver Canucks briefly and patiently. superstar and cheap­ "It is some­ shot artist Todd Bertuzzi makes a ges­ The DUMSL Riverpup has been thing that we ture of forgiveness to known throughout the community as have never dealt fans and the Colorado a calm and well-liked pup. The pup with before. Ow' Avalanche last night had a clean image and had become a police manuals as he skated to the role model for all mascots to follow. do not even The university's well-acquainted touch mascot­ injured Steve Moore of the Avalanche with mascot had everything going the related vandal­ right way until just this last week. ism, so right now a rose in his mouth. Said Moore, "It was Although the pup had a few we really have very sweet of him. instances in the past of violent acts our hands full. It How can I hold a toward opposing fans, he had not will take tough grudge against him? been known to cause trouble off the police work to Seriously, look at court. This all changed within the bring this pup those puppy-dog eyes. last week as the mascot heard of the in," Roeseler He really is a nice guy. possible layoff headed his way. said. He sent me choco­ When the Riverpup caught wind of Police want lates while I was in this, it sent him into an immediate all students and the hospital, you rage across campus, tearing up faculty to be everything in his path. aware of the know." Bertuzzi said he The police have been trying' to crazed pup as hopes this can help track down the crazed mascot for you are walking atone for his actions. days now. Things such as broken through campus. "Hopefully this will windows, empty liquor bottles, along They are also show the whole world with various other things have been advising any how truly sorry I am," frequent with these acts of vandal­ females who are Bertuzzi said. Bertuzzi ism. Srudents and members of the walking alone to then dropped community have already reported carry mace or Avalanche superstar public urination and graffiti. some sort of Teemu Selanne with a Local police forces ask that you weapon for self­ two-handed slash. repOlt any sightings of the mascot on defense. If you Good t ry though, the loose, and will reward you hand­ have any ques­ Todd. somely for your efforts in helping to tions or concerns, the police are Menacing, idn't he? caprure the pup. When DUMSL , t (fA fo rum for stuaents) Leadership Awards Banquet Questions, con cerns, opinionsr "Igniting The ,Leadership Flame"

When: Tuesday, May 4th, 6:00 p.II1.-S;uo p.m. Where: Centur Room ~ MSC Why . Because we apIf'reciate out student leader Special Presenter; ChancelloTThoma s George 'To RS\I"P call (314) 516-51;91 or stop by the Student. Life Office. V ~t e t~ClV\,tellor for Sh{~ eV\,t AffCl~V:; Go online now to nominate your orga...nization for:

UMSL Student Organization of the Year 'f ClJ\.rt CoOV\tvo~ II Best Campus Community Building Program Ad~is()r of the Year Best Su.stained Program ~fost Innovative Program Tuesday, 13 Cultural Awatness Program of the Year April Program of the Year 1:30pm- 2:30pm Winnets Will Be Announced i\ t The Banquet 366 MSC All Student Leaders & Organization Members A:fe

Encouragedo To Attend c~Lt Sh.(~~~t LLfe @ 5:2)1 to regtster Nominations Forms Available At w-w\V; utnslO'edtl/ studendife /osl/ban net/ age 2+8=10

- - -- 'Htl"" ';'?," =1%;; '2':" HeyMA! Dining at The Rents': A slice of home fare

BY TETSUYA Stall Flasher Sunday I had to park my motorcy­ cle on the sidewalk when I pulled up to The Rents' for lunch. As I stuffed my gloves into my helmet and opened the door, I thought that management should probably look into starting valet parking. Maybe work an agree­ ment with that uber church down the block and mn lunch-goers' cars over there, But management probably fig­ ured that their customers could park on both sides of the street like everyone else there, and leave only enough room for one car to squeeze through. Management at The Rents' could be like that with rules, but people usu­ ally go to restaurants for food, even if the place the food. comes from contin­ ues to sing stupid birthday songs even though everyone hates them by now, requires their staff to wear bright uni­ forms and card anyone ''without gray EDITOR hair," or hanging a canoe (clearly ignoring the very purpose of it) upside down on the ceiling. For instance, right SEXY S HOCKER .-.....__ ..... across the soccer field at Obirin, the A&E Editor university I attended in Tokyo, this lit­ tle gremlin of a granny ran an phone: 1-900-SPANK okonomiyaki (noodle) joinl She fax: 1-900-LUVIN refused to be friendly, but my friends insisted on patronizing her cramped restaurant because, they.said, her food. was too delisch. The student body agreed and packed that place for lunch. No chef can ever comp..."1te with some good 01' homestyle cooking out of momma's cast-iron skillets. Our culinary expert puts mom to BLEH So, when The Rents' recarpeted their the test. Letls nope she can stand the heat... because she knows we're not going to let her out of the kitchen. restaurant in ivory-color, you either Calendar agreed to the new rule of de-shoeing way. I allotted the extra few minutes , for the reflective or asocial patrons. In Rents' fits. disregard her inside-voice to have yourself at the door or you could just for the requisite chatting there, and the largest room, however, potential Characters sit around the big oval some fun. If you want to talk (debate, find your BBQ pork steak and potato was bappy to see that no one had exists for sharing the lounging and the tables. You might happen into "Gram," heatedly) politics or religion, then you salad somewhere else. stolen my place in the dining room. gonzo-sized TV with the other half of who reluctantly accepts any game of should look for HBJ," who often sits at After I put my shoes on the desig­ The Rents' operates like a St. Louis management---known as 'The Rev." spades you throw her way and then my table. Movies nated mat and socked my way into the Bread Company in some ways. The But The Rents' leans heavily to those dominates, "Elaine," a local jeweler reception area, half of the management dining areas are clearly marked by people who want chat with their grub, and official cat -person, infuses the sur­ Film openings are subject team--we call her "Mom"--greeted tables and chairs, but sofas and such Since I am known often to do more roundings with some of her contagious ------,------o change. me as always in that "Cheers" sort of are spread around in quieter comers gabbing than eating anyway, The energy, like electricity, and will gladly see EAT ME, page 11

Week of MOVIE REVIEW March 32 rhe Passion of the :hrist 2: Jesus' Tiger Woods shines in 'Caddyshack' remake tevenge- Jim to finally dis­ end of the short film. Apart from that Just as good is hardly a persuasive BY CHEEKY M ARQUEE­ :aviezel returns as patch the Tiger shows real promise to make this argument for an improvement, and for H ECKLER naughty rodent transition to movie star, should he many films, especially those with big lesus Christ in Mel Film Cynic seems exces­ choose to do so, The film also disap­ sweeping vistas in location shots, the sive, even in points in that the animated gopher is superiority of real film is indisput.1ble jibson's sequel to Recently, I attended a screening of this day of not more realistic than in the original for pure visual beauty. Curiously, the a feature-length film that was preceded overwhelming ,he smash hit origi­ hy a short subject film, Although I film, which surdy could have been makers of commercials recognize the presence of done with modem digital effects. power of this greater visual beauty and lal. Jesus opens a don't often review short films, I product place­ The piece looks as if it might have generally spring for the expense of thought I would make an exception for real ment, One been shot on film rather than the film to achieve the right look, just as :an of whoop-ass on this one since it features the big-screen almost gets the debut of golf great Tiger Woods, increasingly popular and cheaper but the makers of this short film appear to :he people who sense that one have done. Of course, we are talking It seems that Tiger is following in lailed him to the the footsteps of so many athletes has paid good about a smaller expense for total money to watch footage with a short film, or a com­ :ross. Jesus is back before him, and launching a movie star It--"-- seems that Tiger an advertise­ mercial, but the lack of venues and career. Many athletes have tried thi~, ment Yet how md he is pissed. some more successfully than others. is following in the lower revenue-producing power of the could this be John Wayne was once a football star footsteps of so many rarer short film still makes it just as so? and Arnold Schwartzenegger was a athletes before him, hard to justify the expense for a cost­ .ord of the Rings Tiger, who conscious filmmaker, Of course, with champion bodybuilder, but not every and launching a athlete has succeeded in this leap. is the soul of commercials the expense is not a fac­ t: Tolkein Didn't restraint on the Tiger is certainly photogenic and movie star career•••• tor. Some big advertisers, such as links profes­ Nrite Four, Did charismatic enough to have a shot. Tiger is certainly Anheuser Busch, have been known to For his debut, Tiger has been cast in sionally, does a hire Hollywood. production companies ~e?· Peter Jackson bit too much photogenic and a shortened remake of the comedy to shoot several high quality commer­ mugging at the md his gang of classic "Caddyshack," playing Bill charismatic enough cials on film and then just select the camera at MurTay's part as the obsessed to have a shot, best one to broadcast, a lavish expense ~obbits, Rangers, times, even for groundskeeper at the golf course in no budding filmmaker working in a comedy of Nizards, Ents, escalating battle with the elusive short films could afford. this nature. Part gopber. Keeping Tiger on his familiar But this short comedy cannot be a ]ves, Dwarves and of the problem links might make the transition easier simple piece of advertising, a commer­ with this is the --" cial spot, since we paid admission to )ig flaming eyes are for both audience and Tiger himself, abbreviated visually inferior cligital video. Yes, yes, and the choice of a comedy role seems the theater to see this. Who would pay lack again. It seems nature of this there are defenders of digital, who cite a good fit for Tiger's appealing natural to be exposed to advertising? Still, that remake, where its greater flexibility for speciill effects, :hey just cannot let personality. While the short film is final product placement is so over­ there is not which makes it the clear choice for sci­ amusing overaIl, it has a few problems whelming, that it aIrnost wipes away enough time to ~o. Seriously folks, that cannot be entirely overlooked, ence fiction/fantasy and affects heavy our appreciating of Tiger's comic per­ build to the films, generally the arguments are put nake a new movie. For one thing, the ending of the fonnance and undermines an other­ crescendo of in terms of how the cheaper cost wise good idea for a short comic ,film. piece gives one the distinct impression CADDYSHACK is receiving a face lift with the mental unbal- makes it more affordable for a greater that it is all about the product place­ Tiger shows promise in the film but addition of Tiger Woods. ance in pursuit number of filmmakers and that it is ment. The prominent use of the credit maybe he could look at bit closer at the card at the end to hire an extenninator of this gopher foes he shows near the almost as good, or even just as good. next script. Ongoing Spear's new autobiography is one hot -litler's Spri ng keak· See rare piece of ass for middle-aged perverts BY SEXY SHOCKER feminine looking towel~boy from an Spears graphically details her les­ )hotos of Adolf Pizza exclusive country club, was in the mid­ bian interaction in- a chapter titled, dle of downloading when Spears' com­ "Cherry-flavored Lip BaIrn and Tartar ~itler's trip to the What do you get when you cross puter froze. "I was so pissed," relates Sauce." Spears later confessed that ~lps to practice his lesbianism with a semi-talented blonde an emotional Spears. "With only half while she never read the entire book, bombshell? No, not cheap porn. You the picture on my screen, it looked like she is sure the experience was well ¥atercolor tech­ get Britny Spears' new autobiography, Madonna was making out with explained in the chapter's title, which liques. See home "Different Strokes: Coming of Age in a Christina Aguilara and I thought, she proudly thought up herself. And Material World" 'What does that slut have that I while Spears admittedly had "a lot of (ideos of Hitler's The book, recently given "two don't?'" Then it hit her: "I rea1ized that help" writing the autobiography, the ~xcursion to Poland strokes up" by The New York TImes, my ticket to individualism laid in the last sentence she swears is all hers: "I recounts the pop diva's struggle with gay and lesbian community, and I sure came, I saw, 1 conquered. The only md the wackiness sexuality and conformity. She tells the as hell wasn't going to let Christina get question that remains is whether or not :hat ensues. You'll all-tOD-familiar tale of trying to stand the upper hand in that market." I'll ever get this taste out of my out in a world of individualists. ''When Immediately, Spears had ber agent mouth." augh, you'll cry, 12 Bey once showed up to the music contact Madonna's, who readily set up While some critics have argued that nil lion people will awards wearing the same chandelier a meeting between the two. "At first it "Different Strokes" is a superficial eanings as me, I knew something had was like hanging out with the coolest publicity ploy instead of a useful addi­ jie. This is the feel­ to be done," explains Spears on the first mom in the world," Spears writes of tion to literature, those of us who ~ood movie of the page of her 52-page epic tale. the older Madonna. "When someone understand how oppressive cherry-fla­ Her quest for individualism comes said we should kiss on T.v., I was like, vored lip baIrn can be may want to pick (ear. Bring the fam­ to a head in the second chapter, in 'Hell yeah! ' The only question was up a copy, which can be purcbased on ly. which she describes a violent addiction when and where. A nosy maid suggest­ eBay starting April 1st. Also, keep an to eBay and a life-altering experience ed the Oedipus Complex, but I had eye out for Madonna's own depiction she had while trying to bid on a press never heard of the place so we all Photo of the experience in a book titled, 'The . The men (and some women) of this staff have agreed that this photo of Madonna The photo, which agreed on the MfV Video Awards Tartar Sauce Was All Britny," due to be was the hottest moment of 2003. depicts Madonna tonguing a rather instead." released later this fall. March 32, 2004 banjo accompa­ was a simple carbonated beverage event? Charity, of course. All proceeds ''Blanche,'' which, despite the bright, niment by named "Flo Glo." The drink, when from the Celebrity beauty expo go to cheery falsetto of "Sweet Lips" Vanna Redhead ingested orally, deposits a glow-in-the­ EMMA, an organization that sends Shoester, is lyrically a tortured and sor­ and an impres­ dark compound into the bloodstream. celebrities overseas to perform rowful cxle to 'The sparrow who flew/ sive beat-box The compound is then purged from the extreme rnakeovers on the repressed my Blanche-a-doo/Always Chancellor beat by ''Baby body via the sweat glands and the uri­ women of the Middle East. ''It's of in my heart!My love will ne'er part." The debut album of the coolest cats since K.C. and the Sunshine Band, Blue" Barshodi. nary and reproductive tracks. The overwhelming belief amongst celebri­ "Ain't MisapproPliating," is a Administrative Blues' Swingin' Soul, will soothe you, love you, rock you, and then Although the product, Oliginally designed by the ties that with our help, the women of poignant dirge about the close fiduciary cuddle up for a night of TV. Available 'in Woods Hall for $14.95. inaugural U.S . military to detect homosexual Iraq will be eager to take off their scrutiny placed on department adminis­ release of slightly suspicious ''1' d Break In to a sprightly lads and an excellent warm-up behavior amongst soldiers, leaves a veils," explained EMMA representa­ trators, and the difficulty in trying (and "Administrative Blues" contains a few Car or Two to Get You Back," the disk for the group's cross-quad tour corning long-lasting, glowing trail on all sur­ tive Shirley Face. "Our success will be ultimately failing) to please everyone. missteps, including an ill-timed and is a solid first-time effort by these five this April. faces touched by the user of "Flo Glo." a victory for women everywhere."

EAT M E, from page 10 - .. --.... ---..- .-- --..-. -~- -- _.. __ .__ ..... __ .... _---_._. .. _.... . _...... __... _.. _.. __ .--_... _. __ .... _... _._.. ..._ ._- _. - --- ._-_...... _._ _._ .. _.. _. __._ ...... __ ..... _.... __...... _..... - ... _._... _.... -- _._--...... -_. ..._ ... __ ...... _-_._-

His crotch-rockety R6 screams come with vegetables that you must and milk to pie to instant-tooth-decay Management sympathizes for oldsters trading a bit of your stubbornness for Rents' delivers on. Promises that when doing anything more than eat For those people on the counterin­ double-dark-chocolate cake with ice and students, so, believe it or not, if a hearing aid or why to immediately include closeness, good talk, and 5 mph, and as he and his windscreen tuitive Atkins diet, The Rents' is not cream. you have wrinkles and complain about cut up those credit cards that come in hearty, luscious foods. Unfortunately sticker will attest, "Loud pipes save talking your language, because This sort of unique place may be getting up from a seated position or if the mail, depending on who yo u are. for you, Mr. And Ms. Stranger, The lives." My sister shows up off-and-Dn "Mom" throws in more fresh breads, sounding pretty dandy right about you are questioning the meaning of For the rest of you out there, prices are Rents' is open by invitation only, and brings her fiance and daughter in rice, and pastas than you can ingest now, and I can say more: I have not life and wondering how enduring more fitting. Meals run $5 for kids up unlike that mcanie's okonomiyaki tow. comfortably. And, as 'The Rev" will ever heard a single bad word about the another lecture with Profes or Stale to age 12. Adults not yet pmned pay place but similar in some ways to titzy And there are many more people explain, chicken just isn't chicken food. It is purely delightful, and you will help you figure things ou r, you are about $15. Why? Because, as "The counuy clubs. That said, you need to there for lunch, of course, but I cannot without sauce, so they provide plenty never walk away hungry. Prices vary eating free. Nevertheless, in exchan!!e Rev" points out, they can afford it. latch onto someone who goes and get neglect the food. ''Mom'' loves her of that too. Nothing is available a la depending on what sort of person you for such generosity, "Mom" and/~r Many people willingly fight park­ them to invite you. And I am not even mammoth grill, and she filled the carte. Des sert, unlike most restaurants, are. and the- decisions, they tell me, "The Rev" will likely prea h a bit at ing predicaments and wear slip-on close to exhausting my allowance for menu with offerings from it. All meals is included, and ranges from cookies may change without notice. you about, perhap, the benefits of shoes for promises like the ones The invites for the year ...

• Julia Stiles This fairy tale is about to get real. • IS ere

ace •

• •

. , _ov e a. '11:.e S t agnant Page 12,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall

SABC ZAPP ED. from page 1 o! I would not ike a flyer to =----- X had only this to say about the sit­ just keeps asking for more and more uation (which he repeated over and money, and wbat'm I gonna do, say over and over and over. .. ): "FlGill no?" he next 'sexy legs' party! THE POWER! FIGHT THE MAN! Yuen said he is planning a protest FIGill THE POWER! FIGHT THE in the coming days to voice his dis­ but took this avoiding to an extreme. The conversation was very non night'" This armoyed Martin and MAN!" pleasure. BY DREAMY GENIE The student's name was Billie Jo sequitor. Billy would ask whether or many other students trying to get to Yuen said he interpreted X's enthu­ '''The Homecoming King has spo­ Staff Irregular Martin. Martin came from Parsons, not any novelists, such as Toni work after class. siasm as a good sign and hopes the ken and all must bow before the might Kansas and spent a lot of his time as Morrison, ever visited DUMSL, and A group of about four students have SABC reinstated shortly. that is my scepter," Yuen said. '1 will Over the past four years, there has the drummer of an erno-core band Bell responded with scripted dialogue decided to ask Chancellor Tommy However, there is one man fighti.ng have my SABC back and I will rule been much talk about Greek life at named llis Hero is Gone. about how much fun Greeks are. Gorge if he could build a new walk­ against Yuen and the SABC. the world .. .. Wait, forget I said that I DUMSL. Some say it is essential in Martin turned down the chance to She showed him a list of all the way for students wanting to avoid the "I was thrilled to find out we would mean, unfair and unjust and blah, blah helping the school escape from its study at the University of Kansas parties and all the activities the Greeks Greek set-up. This way the Greeks no longer live under the specter of the blah. Ha ha" commuter status. Others say it seems because he heard how strong the do together. The two were very con­ could have their walkway. The rest of SABC," Jason Granger, editor-in.­ Indeed, this has become a divisive pointless to have Greek life at a school social sciences, especially criminal fused by each other. Steinem, junior, the students could have their own chief, The Current, said. "After the issue around the campus, with 45 per­ where most students leave their justice and psychology, were at communicatioIlS, wondered why any­ walkway adjacent to the one that con­ fiasco of last year, I was hoping they cent of the campus believing SABC Calculus lecture and walk quickly DUMSL. During orientation for the one in their right mind would cover nects the Millennium Center with would get their comeuppance, and should be reinstated, 46 percent agree­ through the Millennium Student fall 2001 , Martin was anticipating a their body with tattoos and piercings. Clark and Lucas Halls. Gorge answered my prayers. In your ing with the decision to do away with Center, desperately trying to avoid day of meeting the best professors and Martin wondered how exactly one The proposal was mocked and shut face, Jess Greasemonkey! I win, you it, ~ and nine percent said they prefer :ontact with anyone. hearing about the best academic could construct an entirely new face doWD. After this, Martin and his lose! Ob yeah, I am still mad at you satellite to cable. Getting to work on time is the departments. out of make-up. Shortly after this, the friends realized they would just have about the letter you wrote earlier this Strong numbers support all sides, main priority for most of these stu­ As he went to the refreslunent two parted with the intention of never to get along with the Greeks and year .... So there." though Charter CommunicatioIlS is ients. DUMSL is strictly school for table to get a cookie, someone tapped seeing each other again. Martin began accept them for wbo they are. Many With the SABC on its way out, debating the numbers. Mineshaft said many students. A lot of students either him on the back. He turned around to look at Greek life with more dis­ students at Du}"1SL have different some students are curious as to who the battle for SABC has just begun. '!Void Greek life and fraternity parties and a student volunteer asked him if dain than he had previously. opinions of Greek life. will be doling out the money and how "Just like the battle for the Death Jr condone them by passing out flyers he had any questions about Greek life As the semester progressed, Part of being in college is to avoid organizations can pitch the clubs for Star, this will be hard-fought and dan­ md recruiting new students to join a or living on campus. . Martin noticed that every Thursday, classification and stereotypes. Greeks cash. gerous," .Mineshaft said. "But like my ;orority because it builds "life-long The student's name was Bell two Sigma Pi men with matching really are no different than anyone ''Quite simply, we'll do away with great predecessor Darth Vader, we ITiendships. " Steinem. She is a member of Delta hairstyles and clothing would attempt else. They are just trying to make the all non-essential organizations at this shall reign victorious." When some­ A few years back, a new student Zeta sorority and a connoisseur of the to give him a flyer, while simultane­ most of their college experience by time," Gorge said. "What with the war one told her Darth Vader and the 'ell into a group that avoids Greek life, finest Max Factor make-up products. ously chanting, "Party on Friday making friends and getting involved. effort, we really cannot afford to have emperor lost, Mineshaft backpedaled a 24D different student associatiOIlS. So, little bit the only organizations that will receive "Oh ... well .. . I am sure we will win ... ummm . ...uhhh .. .SHUT UP!" WAR AIN'T ALL THAT BAD, from page 1 money wilJ be SGA, Student Afterlife, --~ ' --- ' -----' -~--' ------'---" " ""------'---- "' - - ."------_. Unfair Prideful Bollocks (UPB) and Mineshaft said. the newspaper. .. if there is anything Stay tuned to The Stagnant for left for the newspaper, that is. UPB more information on this huge issue. Vice Chancellor Vasser Barshodi has led to the destruction of a new classes in over a year. One faculty Point continued a war like this for 10 n sW] in favor of the war, although building. Both campuses have very member, John Doe, professor of dog years, and I will do the same here if I :ome unnamed students destroyed his few whole buildings left intact. training at DUMSL, said that he is need to." M ARTHA, from page 1 lot rub. His take on the war was stat­ Students have mixed feelings on still completely in favor of the war. "1 After the discovery of nukes on ------:d as, '''There is still nothing to worry the continuing war. Kannen Ruins, don't care how long this thing goes South Campus last year, the war has tbout, there is no way that this war Student War Association leader, on for, just as long as I'm getting paid gotten significantly worse. A North ~'ill have any effect on our campus, I agrees with the war. "We have to do for it," Doe said. "I know that we here Campus spy who spotted them at the Some fear that Stewart, with her used that thing wa, in '72 at a toga ;till support my statement that South what we can to stand up for what is on North Campus have a stronger observatory discovered the nukes. fame, power and charisma will warp party. I woke up next to an eight-foot :ampus is too dumb to win tlus." right," Ruins said. "I think that the army. I will bring in my dogs to help The spy has continued to investigate the fragile little minds of DUMSL stu­ olive green onyx shrine along with Just last week, the two sides bat­ war must continue for a long time. All if need be. I am willing to do the situation, and has stopped the dents. This notion was quickly fourteen other students, a llanJa and led at the Lucas Battle, where North of those southern folks need to under­ absolutely anything to defeat those South from hiding any other missiles smashed down though, as everyone four geese. It was awesome'" :ampus came out victorious. General stand that they do not rule Dillv1SL. I Japanese." in the observatory. knows that the minds of DUMSL stu­ Members of the business faculty at ,f the North Campus army, Boob can't even understand what they are (yes, he said Japanese. This war is The next battle will occur down dents are anything but fragile. As one DUMSL are in support of the inclusion ticeJer, led the battalion through this thinking." not with the J apenese, but the South. Hopefully, people driving by student, Gary Newman, put it, ''Fragile, of Stewart, thinking that this might lard battle. He will continue to lead Other students do not agree with Southerners of South Campus) on the Natural Ridge will continue to hell; my brain is way too dense to be actually help them. As one professor ~orth Campus through these hard the war even after it has gone on for Continuing this war is the main ignore the noises. Up to this point, no affected by the likes of Martha put it, "Next to her I'm bound to look imes. almost a year now, with no accom­ priority of Gorge. He feels that one has complained of the significant Stewart I" even better, which is a difficult task "I will continue to serve as gener- plishments. "I think that the whole Dillv1SL needs to do everything in its noise disruptions in the area. The war Stewart was quoted as saying, indeed. I mean, c'mon, Martha Stewart 1 of this army," Riceler said. thing is just ridiculous," Howie high powers to continue this war until is scheduled to continue infinitely. ''Well, at least I get to stay in the dorms. teaching Ethics? That'd be like Tom "We will win this fight and Todothat, junior, brain surgery, said. there is a victory. Gorge says that Visitors are encouraged to come out Money aside, I'm bound to be the most Cruise teaching a course in acting!" eclaim South Campus as part of "As a member of South Campus, I although the South may have and watch or even join in on their popular girl on campus once students Supporters for Tom Cruise were out­ )UMSL again. I plan to launch sev­ know that us here southerners are unpaved roads and crappy buildings, favorite side. get a taste of my scrumptious Jell-O raged by this remark. Even morons ral more attacks within the next cou­ mo' th an willin to give into this here they are still a part of this campus. "As leader of this University, I Shooters. Also, I'm excited to resurrect have feelings, it seems, but they'll get lIe of days and we will be victorious war. If them northerners would jus' "We may not have the money to will do all I c.an to continue in this my three-story beer bong. Last time I over it. ~ these attacks. I will attack for as understand that we jus' need to be restore the SDUth, but they are still a fight," Gorge said. "More than any­ Jng as thi s needs to go on." independent, then there would not be part of DUMSL," Gorge said. "We thing, this will cause a dramatic Meetings between the two sides any mo' problems." will continue this war for as long as 1 increase in student fees. I think that B IG A ss APE, from page 1 ave been unsuccessful. Neither side Faculty and staff of North Campus can take it and I can take it for a very the students can handle this, as they ------15 students were smashed under ago, and damn, that man is rough. ,ill give into the other. Each meeting are happy that they have not taught long time. My last university at West have handled the war." Kong's size-l,4oo feet. tllree were Constantly telling Kong to do this, go eaten and two were tossed like a there, eat that, stomp here. Kong is a salad. monster, he knows how to wreck GARAGE HAS WMD, from page 1 --- - _ .._ --_._ ... _------_._. ...._ _.... _ ----=------''It was terrifying, absolutely teni­ havoc, for crying out loud." fying," Lacy Underall, junior, house­ Godzilla said he thinks Jackson's work, said. "My best friend Peggy brain may have been addled by the "A lot of people are surprised that the so-called 'weapons' in Parking Haze, junior, pharmaceuticals. ''I've and chartreuse-colored paint We also Sue was crushed like she was a crou­ "Lord of the Rings" project. forth Campus people risk going in Garage JK." already got enough parking tickets to have to pay to get the new River ton. I saw some guy munched down "Look, I loved 'Lord of the Rings' lere at all," said James Hendrix, The recent attack on North Campus payoff. I can't afford dessert in my air Badger mascot airbrushed onto the like a Tootsie Roll. It was gross." just like everyone else; they were ~nior, string instrument education. '1 vehicles has caused many students to filter. " cars. " Howard said this attack rivals that great," Godzilla said. "But seriously, link they faked those car-squisbings express concern for their safety. The DUMSL police department has The stash was brought into the of the infamous 1989 attack of the man spent the last seven years ) that nobody would find their stash." Several cars were covered with over­ issued a statement declaring that these South Campus computer lab for test­ Mothra and the 1978 attack of the working on that project. He's got Officials have not ruled out the pos­ priced salad toppings and hamburger concerns are not valid safety issues. mg. Wolfman. It evens rivals the hysteria Hobbits on the brain. Kong told me he lbility that the car incidents were grease, which was traced back to the "We have stepped up security in "We will get to the bottom of this of the Bathroom Peeper of 2003. tried to get him to wear Hobbit feet lanned. Snosh grill. parking lots, but our main focus right issue," said Jack Daniel, freshman, dis­ ''I swear to God I have seen some Hobbit feet' He's a lOO-foot gorilla. ''This is all a big misunderstand- "I worry that 1'm going to walk out­ now is getting our patrol cars painted tilling. 'We won't stop until every stash stuff in my life, and I have seen some He doesn't need Hobbit feet." 19," said Student Anarchy Association side and find Krispy Kreme doughnuts with the new school colors," said of weapoIlS is found and North stuff at DillvISL, but man. .. " Howard Authorities are struggling to find resident Misty Lunde. "North stuck in the engine of my car," said Police Chief Bob Dole. ''It hasn't been Campus has paid the price of all of the said ''This is horrific. I thought I had some means of defense against the :ampus leaders had nothing to do with North Campus frequenter Lavender easy fInding 300 gallons of fuchsia- food they've wasted." seen the worst of the worst when we massive primate, saying the situation had the Bathroom Peeper, but nope. is different here rather than in New Along comes King Kong and 1 am York. wrong again." 'The Empire State Building is a According to good friend good 1,300 feet tall. SSB is not that Godzilla, Kong has suffered a break­ tall so we can't send planes in, and our down due to the hectic filming sched­ bullets are just bouncing off," Gorge ule of the new King Kong movie said. 'Why couldn't he have gone Iti'S you rs. The Current. directed by "Lord Of the Rings" after the Arch instead?" director Peter "Sauron" Jackson. Indeed, that is a question many of Lon do n ...... 30 6 "He's a task master, that Jackson," us will ask ourselves in the coming Mexico City ... 315 Godzilla said while luxuriating in a days. Why couldn't that big, smelly, Paris ...... $ 527 hot tub the size of the Savvis Center. hairy ape have attacked the Arch Frankfurt ..... $544 "I visited the set a couple of months instead? Air. accommodations & transfers: GUATemALA 7 night Amertspan program Cusumano's Pizza From: We will rock $707 LonDon 2 for 1 Longneck Bottle Beers 1/ 7 nights at Trta Hotel !:'=::.."':'=~.. From: 2 for 1 Ra il Drinks ...... ,~ .. ' mll.a___lftr....,. _IWl~"""".... _- $750 your world. ---tnIIm\_ ...... "IIIMMy ... t-n.r Every Night lOpm t:illam must be 21 to enter - must have Missouri ID (If you're a complete tool) 11111!lfiti'TRAVEL I 7147 Manchester Rd in Maplewood 565 Melville I www.statravel.com ltl ~ntertainment every night 4 pool tables and game room (:514) 721.7779 OPEN 1()p m645-5599 close at 3am every night STUDENT TRAVEL & BEYON Office bitch needed to complete menial tasks for . mentally unstable editor-in-chief who is under heavy . dosages of prescription medication. Call 516-5174. March 32,2004 ~I..e. Stagnant Paging Mr. Herman, 13 tin A weekend with the Flloyds: New bio­ pic tackles UM's notorious president

BY CHASTITY ISOVERRATED gular comic and dramatic aspects of "There'll be elements of 'Dead Poets Missoura TigeI'Z© sporting apparel, the Flloyds' situation and has bought Society,' the tumult of life as a basket­ Ozark Hills© wine coolers, and Useless Boob the rights for a biopic to be released at ball player in 'He Got Game,' a little Secure-Tape© prison voice recording some date in the future. Black bit of 'Mrs. Robinson,' a helping of systems." Stagnant September Pictures spokesperson 'Animal House' and definitely some Although Nelson Flloyd could not Certain que~tions are almost uni­ Catberine Pearson says she was 'Beach Blanket Bingo' for good mea­ be reached for comment, his wife versal among academics: What is the immediately interested in the story sure. For the character of Nelson Car'alllello Flloyd was more than will­ most efficient and effective way to after reading a cover story in the Flloyd, we are trying to coalesce the ing to share the scoopon the couple's impart knowledge upon the unknow­ Chicago Tribune. "To be honest, I did­ strength and resolve of Principal Joe sale of the movie rights. ing? How best to manage teaching and n't even know Missouri had a univer­ Clark in 'Lean on Me' with the bedo­ "Nelson is still pretty upset over all personal research projects? Does the sity until I read about the Nelson nistic-yet-sophisticated revelry of the bad press," said Flloyd, "and I am houndstooth or the corduroy sports resents Flloyd scandal. I didn't think farmers Hugb Hefner at the Playboy getting really tired of all the post-it jacket best project an aura of wisdom? went to school after about fourth Mansion." notes [Nelson] leaves around the Comb-over or clean shaven? grade. Anyway, immediately I saw a Although casting is still under way, house saying 'No more accused felons Conversely, few in academia will world of possibilities." the tentative line-up of actors includes over for supper, dear'est,' or 'No racial wrestle with other questions, such as Pearson says Black September Billy Dee Williams as Nelson Flloyd, epithets today, sweetheart.' Really, "Should we invite students accused of Pictures envisions the Flloyd bio­ Halle Berry as Caramello Flloyd, after the whole ordeal with that felonies over for barbecue?" or "Are comedy-drama as a combination of Mekhi Phifer as Mickey Clemson, and Clemson boy, Nelson and I just fig­ jailhouses really the best place for you with multiple successful blockbusters Cameron Diaz as Clemson's ex-girl­ ured that we should just try to forget utmost candor?" However, as the U1\1 encompassing a variety of themes: friend. all about it. The $400,000 that Black chancellor and his spouse can readily strong educators persevering through Pearson noted that one of the September Pictures paid us for the attest to, perhaps sucb questions ought troubled circumstances, basketball, attractive prospects for pursuing the movie rights should more than help to to be contemplated (preferably in general college mayhem, relationships film. would be the preponderance of put the past behind us. And off the advance) by all professional educa­ spanning generations and motor paid-product -placement possibilities. record, I'm most grateful that the press tors. sports, "Already," says Pearson, "we have and the university never found out Predictably, Hollywood has picked free "I see the Flloyd production as under contract Freefall© All Ten'ain about Nelson's Bob Marley commem­ this up on the unique conundrum and sin- spanning the spectmm," says Pearson. Vehicles, Saf-T-Lok© handcuffs, orative bong collection."

COSTS OF WAR, page 1

Bliss also bad this to say about the lost her kitty cat to the war effort. the war truly hits home. New NOlth Dishonors College (free Volkswagen stupid banner hanging over the rail­ "He got mn over by a tank," Campus Chancellor and five-star Jetta with every enrollment). He then icture ing in the MSG that says "Humyn Buntcake said, ''I just happened to general Tommy Gorge was unaware gave North Campus the fmger and Rights," look out my office window and see of Buntcake's loss. slammed his door. "It's actually a spelling error; we him crossing Supernatural Bridge, "I did not know Misty lost her cat; So now, both North Campus and had someone dyslexic write the ban­ and, SPLAT, no more Mr. Snuggle that is truly horrible," Gorge said. South Campus are settling in for the ner, our mistake, I guess," Bliss said. Bug. I cried for minutes." ''But rest assured, we will punish long haul, anticipating more devas­ "I mean, do you really think we'd be Perhaps that the true measure of those responsible ... THE SOUTH!" tating losses to come. More building so ignorant and dumb to be so wor­ how war devastates people. Sure, South . Campus leader Modd destroyed. More people killed. More frame. ried about the fact that 'man' appears soldiers are dying in combat for the Waylor refused to comment on the potholes on Supernatural Bridge. in human? Especially while we have North and South. Sure, innocent situation of the dead kitty, but he did More kitty cats flattened by tanks. a war to worry about?" bystanders are going down by the say that if need be, they would flatten "I just hope this ends before Other people around campus have thousands, sure tuition has gone up 500 more kitties to gain indepen­ something really bad happens," felt the war on a far more personal 1000 percent to fund the war effort, dence. He then went back to his Buntcake said. "Maybe we should level. Misty Buntcake, president of but when an innocent young woman office in the South Campus launch Gorge's piano at South Silly Gropers Anonymous (SGA), loses her kitty cat, well, that is when makeshift headquarters, Dick Dean Campus." Cut it out! Your horoscope: You will eat ostrich soon. 'age 14 years old ~he stagnant March 32, 2004

~ _ ~~ PRESIDENT BUSJ..ij rI ACREE. "TRICKlE DOWN" ECoNoMIC POLICY I ~~lR ~ 15 A BRILLIANT 1 15 FIScAlLY SOLVENT. IT'S TJ-iE LIBERAl I _ t>~AN-PR08A8LY MEDIA TAAT'S MAliGNING TH~ SO-CAlLED I TJ-iE SMARTEST "RECORD DEBT" J..iE ESTA8LlSJ-iED. BY .1 · MAN AlIVE. I CUTTlNG TAXES AND INCREASING SPENDING II Q v \VE'RE SURE TO AA \IE A BETTER AJv\ERICA. .. Would you ,~ -lJ@u[}; lia· . - . : l ,- 1 ~ \.. Y believe we

r ~ ~ - WAIT, WE'R.~ DOING , OKAY, WfiER~ WAS I? OJ-i, IRAQ 1 V-JE HAD TO INVADE TI-1AT COUNTRY. SAD DAM AAD VlEAPoNS of MASS TI-1E "STAGNANT" ISSUE " DESTRUCllON TAA T COUlD REACJ..l TJ..iE U.S. IT'S TJ..lE TI-1IS WEEK RIGI-1~ LIBERAl MEDLA. LYlNG TAAT WE CAN'TRND TtiEM, AND T!-1AT I-1E NEVER I-1AD TJ-iEJV\ TO BEGIN WJTJ.1. AND oNLY totally forgot \ \ [OFCO~ TERRORISTS WOULD NEED TI-1E CML RIG!-1TS WE LOST 1 \ ----~ - ARGll CAN'T WAIT FOR TI-11S WEEK V TO BE OVER WlTI-11 about this .- space here , on this page?

Well believe AnJ 1. ~tM +0 -rJ.,e5 ~ fopnl-FOo ls d ~y .:;e-f • I • be ~t'c""':"'j '" <:o"":c.> oj.." ''I'tr 5 a.,,., ;v-sf \...I or-se e. ve"'Y II +... ; I! \Jh ",·e ,$f"~-t-0',.,e00/,, '1 e q.. r c.. O>V1 b I.A S -t--ed. ) it. That is ) why we are typing this totally' use­ less filler of s'pace. Just lmag·• • ne be·eng that desperate to fill space. March 32, 2004 ~Ite Current Page 15 .... She's jailbait

~ ~~using Seeking Roommate Aparbnent for Rent Rock'N Roll Laundry Clean and cozy 2BR apartment, Needed: Female roommate to 8639 Natural bridge. CLASSI FI EDS Forest Park metrolink station, share a 3BR/2BA duplex in U City. Located just 1/2 mile from with 40 words or fewer qUiet, nice and safe area with Spacious, beautiful hardwood UMSL, across N. Hanley. good public transportation to gro­ floors, and two fun roommates We offer dry cleaning services. cery stores and downtown (10 who keep clean but can still kick Discount on drop off service are free to minutes by metrolink to UMSL). it!$250/month + utilities. Call 314- with student ID . Please come There is a product store near the 229-6553 and ask for f.l.ary Beth. in and ask about our free wash students, faculty and staff building. Laundry, dishwasher, program. Call us with any cable TV, phone, DSL, furniture­ Room for Rent! questions (314) 429-6126 All classifieds are due via email by 5 p.m. on the Thursday before the publication date. . $295 + utilities. 64xxx Arsenal, In addition to the name(s) of the advertiser, each classified submitted must contain $342+utilities. Call now (314)361- a student number or faculty/staff department and title(s) prior to publication. 1142 or email tatyanasv@hot­ just of 1-44. Spadous, two large Traffic Defense mail.ru closets, hardwood floor, nice yard Traffic ticket or DWI? Don't go http://www. TheCurrentOnline.com [email protected] and patio area, modem kitchen, to court by yourself. Don 't pay Seeking Roonvnate off· street garage parking. the fine and get points on Roommate needed to share 3BR Students or young professionals your license. Do call Attorney INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL house, one mile west of UMSL. preffered. Call (314) 646-1905 Louise Ryterski for help. Washer, Dryer, Dishwasher, Deck, (636) 477-6400 or email Bartender Trainee Needed Air Fares at significant Fireplace, Finished Basement. Appartment for Rent ! [email protected]. $250 a day potential SAVINGS are available to $250/month + deposit. No pets. 2- bedrooms appartment, hard­ 433 Jackson, st. Charles, MO 314-426-7471 , ask for Amy. Local Positions. STUDENTS & FACULTY .NOW! wood floors, washer-dryer, 63301. Student Discount. 1-800-293-3985 ext. 144 large rooms, backyard. Nice For Rent Contact me for Pricing. neighborhood, a block from Two units, one bedroom each. Radio Advertising Sales Metrolink, by the Loop. Both recently remodeled. Very Representative Wanted Price $650. Call 863-6504 800 LYN SMITH Toll Free close to UMSL and the airport. Local morning radio show with 618266-7929 Fax Students wecome. Private street well·known host, contributors, 618771-0213 Cell w/ yard , separate driveways . . GET SMARTER & STRESS FREE and sponsors seeks sales staff. Other properties in St. Louis LYN SMITH [email protected] in one easy session at the Brain/Mind Spa. Work for yourself and make available. Call Patrick 544-1711. your own hours! Prior experi­ Since 1991, the Brain/Mind Spa has used the most ence in radio or sales is not For sale Seeking Roommate advanced biofeedback technologies, energy interven­ necessary! Email Jack at 2 bedroom apt. downtown tions, and holistic solutions to produce powerful, posi­ [email protected] Entertainment Center Drawing Boards Ferguson, minutes from UMSL, tive change instantly. A brain tune-up and profound m with interest and/or ques· 66x48x15, holds up to 35" TV, lots 9 drawing/drafting boards. city buses stop at front door tions. of storage, one door for storage, Adjustable, $75 .00/ea or best and drop off at Metrolink, full relaxation . SPECIAL STUDENT GROUP RATES, oak veneer, close to campus. Only offer. John. Sommer (636) 561- kitchen, cable, DSL, phone and $89 each for 3 person group (reg. $175 each) Red Lobster Restaurant $50 obo. Call (314) 381·2856 2718 utilities all included. Looking Deposit Required. Most innovative and practical way Now hiring servers. We offer flex­ for born again female to ACE EXAMS. DONT WAIT. CALL 636-458-9427, Gateway 2000 [email protected] for ible schedules, day-one benefits, '95 Camero and a supportive management Gateway 2000 solo 233 Pentium more info. [email protected]. 1995 Camaro Red T-Tops. Processor. 64 megabites of team. Apply in person at 11088 Forest Light Sanctuary Mind Spa, Wildwood. Clean, maintenanced. $4000 RAM, 3 gigabite hard drive. New Halls Ferry Rd. in Florissant, Apartment for Rent MO. 314-355-2520 (314) 614-9952 Serious emails, ····Normandy Apartments···· msgabrieL [email protected]. Recently updated 1 &2 BR. Personals Free beaut y con sultations 1995 Lexus ES 300 Best offer Walking distance to UMSL and And makeovers!. Come to one Student Assistant Dark green, 109K. Very good con· Metrolink. Easy access to major Get Paid For Your of our parties or host your own Wanted student to assist dition. 6 Disk CD changer, loaded '94 Chrysler LHS highways. Central AlC & heat. Opinions! on campus. Contact me for National Honor Society in reg­ all power, sunroof, leather interi­ 130,000 miles, green 4 door, 6 On-site laundry. Garages, car­ details online at istering and acting as local Earn $15· $ 125 and more per or. $7100. Call (314) 651-2336 cylinder. Leather interior and ports, & storage available. Make survey! www.marykay.com i tighew or representative. 3.0 GPA removable face CD player an appointment to see your new 618-570-8835. Chances to earn Misc. Hems www.paidonlinesurveys.com required; Sophomores pre­ included. Serious em ails at home today! Free product! ferred. Reply to SELL SELL SELL msgabrieL [email protected] Call for specials 314-210-2558 [email protected] Furniture, TV's, Beds, Lamps, Would you like to quit For Rent Are you interested in join­ Tables, Etc. .. .. smoking? If so, contact Exceptional room for rent in ing an on-campus Adult Lifeguard Call James @ 314-249-7107 Michelle Schmidt at the Wellness . Website for Sale Ferguson. Minutes from Children of Alcoholic Support CERTIFIED LIFEGUARD needed for Resource Center for more infor­ Over 1,000 members so far. University, quiet neighborhood, Group? If so, contact the UMSL indoor pool: Mon·Thurs '90 Honda CRX mation on free services offered. www.epayfunds.com. If inter­ spadous beautiful home. Cable Wellness Resource center for 11 :30-2PM. $6.30/hour. Apply in Own a CRX! 1990 Honda CRX SI for [email protected], 516-5380. ested please call 314-749-2883 TV, utilities, washer/dryer, more info @ x5380 or email Rec Sports Office 203 Mark Twain sale. High miles, but lots of new and leave a message. Buyer will phone, security system, fumish ­ Michelle Schmidt at (516-5326) parts, including a newer engine. remail anonymous. in gs, fireplace, nice yard, and [email protected] Runs really well, and gets GREAT much more all induded in Restaurant gas mileage (32+). Would be great, monthly rent. Contact: Jill 314· Hannigans Restaurant (celebrat­ '90 Acura Integra LS cheap, commuter car! $800 obo. 521·5307 or [email protected] ing 25 years) has immediate (314 ) n4-9918. Champagne in color, 2-door, runs openings for day and evening good w / great stereo and clean servers. Flexible schedules and 1997 Audi A4 interior. $2000. Call Denny at (314) great money! Must be experi­ 1.8T. cactus Green, auto, heated 731 -7554. Leave message. enced and available this summer. seats, trip computer, climate con­ Apply in person. 719 N. 2nd St. , trol, OEM spoiler, air conditioning, Lacledes Landing 314-241-8877 1995 Chevy Camero alloy wheels, 70,000 miles. Hop. $6,500 o.b.o. 314-614-9952 $8500.00. (636) 946-2789.

MOVIE EXTRA'S I 1995 Ford Mustang Mitsubishi Galant ES 94 MODELS NEEDED 3.8 V6, replaced 70K miles engine, 124,000 miles. Runs good. For State & Nation Wide auto, AC , blue-green metallic, Good Condition. $1950 O.B.O Call (314) 229-9941 Productions Seeking loaded-all power, spoiler, tinted New Talent for windows, alloy wheels. $4350. (314) 255-3637 All Types of Auditions '00 Honda Shadow Spirit Good Opportunity for 2000 Honda Shadow Spirit for Exposure No Exp. Req'd, 11 998 Ford Mustang sale. 1100cc engine, 15,000 All Looks & Ages Silver, 5·speed, CD player & cas­ miles, very fast bike in excel­ EARN UP TO $300 I DAY sette players, power front seats, lent condition. Has cobra "slash 103K miles-highway, 1yr old cut" pipes, blue engine light Contract Jobs Also clutch, dual air bags, small ding effects, trailer hitch, and sad­ Available left front fender, and split rear dle bags. Asking $5500 obo . 1-800-818-7520 seat. Only $4600 obo call (314) Call Derrick at 636-443-3827 771-1953. Cars for Sale! 1999 Pontiac Grand AM SE UNIQUE INTERNSHIP OPPORTUNITY (Metallic Blue), Mitsubishi Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide seeks interns for Eclipese 1997 (Black) . All cars 2004 to implement an award winning public relations are in excellent condition and campaign. Internship work is conducted on campus, inspected. Special rates for stu­ primarily between September and December 2004. dents. Call (314) 583-2557 For p\ctures and description Open to undergraduates entering their junior or senior visit:www.autostlsaleszone.com year of study. Students with majors in public relations, 9 communications, marketing, advertising and journalism are especially urged to apply. E-mail resume to: intern­ [email protected]. Deadline: March 31,2004. Finding cash for college is child's play_ Class· eds are free to students, faculty &staff Register now and search thousands of nd ads to [email protected] scholarships worth over $3 billion

www.thecurrentonline.com Page 16 candles cJl..e St-ag,nant March 32, 2004

ANC EM. L PERFORMING ART T AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI-ST. LOUIS

o au TET Welcomed by KFUO-FM/Classic99 Wednesday. March 31. 7:30 p.m. With David Harrington and John Sherba on ·viofin-l Hank Dutt on viola and Jennifer Culp on cello, the Kronos Quartet has been expanding the minds of musical risk-takers for over 30 years, combin.ing claSSically associated instrumentation with the cutting-edge sounds of comm issioned works.

" Saturday. April 3. 8 p.m. Comedic legends and ragtime! An evening to delight film and music lovers alike as the Paragon Ragtime Orchestra accompanies the silent films of Chaplin, Harofd Lloyd and Buster Keaton.

EAT 0 LI I 0 d'EUR PA PRES TS "RIG LE TO" t , Welcomed by KFUO-FM/Classic99 Sunday, April 4, 7 p.m. With the gripping ingredients of sex, deception,

murder and revenge l Verdi's masterwork intrigues to the bitter operatic end. Performed with full orchestra and supertitles by the acclaimed Teatro Lirico d'Europa. And coming this spring •.. • sac present s "Moving Arts Dance," April 14 - 15 • UMSL Dept. of Theatre & Dance presents "Cabaret," April 22 - 24 • American Indian Dance Theatre, April 30 ... and much, much morel

. \ Call 314.516.4949, Toll-free at 866.516.4949 for tickets or to request a Touhill Magazine! www. touhill.org

With the exception of UMSL students, a $1 Facility Operatiofls Surcharge will be added to the price of each ticket. A $3 processing fee will be added to all phone orders.