the bully, the bullied, and the not-so-innocent bystander

by Barbara Coloroso

, 2015

Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2005, 2009, 2015 www.kidsareworthit.com [email protected] 800.729.1588 permission granted for school and parent use Brave-hearted Witness, resister, defender dislikes Bully/Bullies the and Plan and/or helps or tries to help start the bullying the one who is bullied. and take an active part

Henchmen The Target Take an active part The one who is bullied but do not start the bullying

Active Supporters Cheer the bully on and seek social or material gain Potential Defenders Oppose the bullying and know they ought to help, but do not act

Disengaged Onlookers Passive Supporters Like the bullying but do not show open support

An adaptation of The Bullying Circle by , PhD used with permission Illustrations by Joey Coloroso

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The bystander is afraid of getting hurt. T1 B&'*%,+7'7)'5%7'4)7-'.,37$%&'7)'#,"5-1 C1 Y,$+7,$+&'7-%'4,&$('/$5+$7;')> 4)7-'.%3&)+&1 &%+&$7$8%#;',+/'()+&$&7%+7#;'7)'4"##;$+51 2. The bystander is afraid of becoming a new target of the bully. 3. The bystander is afraid of doing something that will only make V1 B&')+#;','&*,##'.,37')> 7-%',(7$8$7$%&'&-,3%/'4;':$/& E1 B&'*%,+7'7)'4%'>#,77%3$+5',+/'()*.#$*%+7,3;1 E1 _3)8$/%',/%e",7%',/"#7'&".%38$&$)+< .,37$("#,3#; the situation wors e. =-)'-,8%'&)*%7-$+5'$+'()**)+1 T1 B&',+'$+8$7,7$)+'7)'-,8%'>"+'7)5%7-%3',+/'%+K); $+'#%&&'&73"(7"3%/',3%,&< &"(-',&')+'7-% 4. The bystander does not know w hat to do. X1 B&'$++)(%+7'$+'*)7$8%1 %,(-')7-%3H&'()*.,+;1 .#,;53)"+/',+/'$+'7-%'#"+(-3))*1 A s legitimate as they are, these reasons do not shore up the Z1 B&'/$&()+7$+"%/'=-%+'.%3&)+'7%,&%/'4%()*%& V1 B+8$7%/'&%L",#',77%+7$)+1 T1 B*.3)8%'.,3%+7,#',=,3%+%&&')> ,+/'$+8)#8%*%+7 s elf-confidence or self-respect that is eroded when a child witness es $+'=)3:$+5')+'7-%'.3)4#%*1 a bullying incident and is unable or unwilling to respond effectively ".&%7')3')4K%(7&'7)'7-%'7%,&$+51 X1 B&'$+7%+/%/'7)'*,:%'7-%')7-%3'.%3&)+'>%%#'=,+7%/< to stop the cruelty. A ll too often these fears and lack of skill can turn ,773,(7$8%< ,+/'$+'()+73)#1 into apathy—a potent friend of contempt. Contempt grows best in .+%,!(,6 Z1 B&'/$&()+7$+"%/'=-%+'7-%'.%3&)+'=-)'$&'4%$+5 -#EA-(!(,6/!"#/*@-(9! a climate of indifference. ?1 B&'4,&%/')+',+'$*4,#,+(%')> .)=%3',+/'$&')+%9 >#$37%/'=$7-'4%()*%&'".&%7< )4K%(7&'7)'7-%'>#$37$+5< Bys tanders have more excuses than valid reasons for not intervening. &$/%/J 7-%'4"##;'7,"+7&< 7-%'4"##$%/':$/'$&'7,"+7%/1 )3'$&'+)7'$+7%3%&7%/1 D-%'4"##;< 7-%'4"##$%/< 7-%'4;&7,+/%3G7-% These excuses help poison the social environment, increasing $+7%3,(7$)+&'$+8)#8%/'$+'&"(-'3)#%9.#,;$+5< 7-)"5- the likelihood that bystanders w ill side with the bully and eventually A1 B&'$+7%+/%/'7)'-,3*1 d#$37$+5'-,&'.#,;>"#+%&&',4)"7'$7'7-,7'&%L",#'4"##;$+5 ass ume the role of bullies themselves. They include but are ()**)+.#,(%'$+')"3'("#7"3%< ,3%'+)7'-%,#7-;< +)7 C1 B+8)#8%&'-"*$#$,7$+5< (3"%#< /%*%,+$+5< )3 /)%&'+)71 B7'$&'+%8%3'$+7%+/%/'7)'-,3*',+/'$&',+'$+8$9 certainly not limited to these nine: +)3*,#< (%37,$+#;'+)7'+%(%&&,3;< ,+/'$+'>,(7',3% 4$5)7%/'()**%+7&'7-$+#;'/$&5"$&%/',&'K):%&1 7,7$)+'>)3'7=)'.%).#%'7)'5%7'7)':+)='%,(-')7-%3'4%79 1. The bully is my friend. /%8,&7,7$+5'7)'7-%'(-$#/3%+'.#,;$+5'7-%*1 F%',& E1 B+(#"/%&'#,"5-7%3'/$3%(7%/'-* 7-%'7,35%7< +)7'1+*" 7%31 @&'=$7-',+;')7-%3'$+8$7,7$)+< $7'(,+'4%',((%.7%/')3 2. It’s not my problem! This is not my fight! .,3%+7&',+/'%/"(,7)3&'(,+'3%=3$7%'7-%'&(3$.7',+/ 3. S he is not my friend. 7-%'7,35%71 3%K%(7%/G,+/'7-%'.%3&)+'=-)'$+$7$,7%/'7-%'>#$37$+5 (3%,7%'>)3')"3'(-$#/3%+',#7%3+,7$8%< -%,#7-$%3'3)#%&'7-,7 4. H e’s a loser. T1 B&'*%,+7'7)'/$*$+$&-'7-%'&%+&%')> &%#>9=)37-')> -)+)3&'%$7-%3'3%&.)+&%1 5. H e deserved to be bullied, asked for it, had it coming. 7-%'7,35%71 3%e"$3%'+)'.3%7%+&%',+/'+)'8$)#%+(%1 F$7-'(,3%',+/ 6. Bullying will toughen him up. 7#D%+&/5%&&'(,6 7. K ids have a deeply embedded code of silence. V1 B+/"(%&'>%,3')> >"37-%3'7,"+7$+5')3'(,+'4%', ()**$7*%+7< =%'(,+'3%(-,++%#'7-%'4%-,8$)3&')> 7-% ?1 B&'4,&%/')+',+'$*4,#,+(%')> .)=%3',+/'$&')+%9 8. It’s better to be in the in-group than to defend the outcasts. .3%#"/%'7)'.-;&$(,#'4"##;$+51 4"##;'$+7)'.)&$7$8%'#%,/%3&-$.',(7$8$7$%&6 ,(:+)=#%/5% 9. It’s too big a pain in the brain. A dded bonus—the headache is gone. &$/%/J 7-%'4"##;'&%L",##;'7,"+7&< 7-%'4"##$%/':$/'$& X1 B&'&$+$&7%3'$+'*)7$8%1 7-%'+)+,553%&&$8%'4%-,8$)3&')> 7-%'4"##$%/'(-$#/',& /%*%,+%/',+/'/%53,/%/1 Taken together, these reasons and excuses contribute to the erosion Z1 I)+7$+"%&'%&.%($,##;'=-%+'7,35%7%/':$/'4%()*%& &73%+57-&'7-,7'(,+'4%'/%8%#).%/',+/',3%'-)+)3%/6 of civility in peer group interactions. When civility is diminished, A1 B&'$+7%+/%/'7)'-,3*',+/'%L.#)$71 it is replaced by a false sense of entitlement, an intolerance /$&73%&&%/')3')4K%(7&'7)'7-%'7,"+71 ,+/'73,+&>)3*'7-%'3)#%')> 7-%'4;&7,+/%3'$+7)'7-,7')> C1 B&'$+8,&$8%',+/'$+7%+/%/'7)',&&%37'7-%'&7,7"&')> toward differences, and a liberty to exclude that allow kids to harm ,'=$7+%&& 7-%'7,35%71 273)+5'&%+&%')> &%#>< 4%$+5','>3$%+/< -,8$+5',7'#%,&7 X1 B&'$+7%+/%/'7)'*,:%'7-%')7-%3'.%3&)+'>%%# )+%'5))/'>3$%+/'=-)'$&'7-%3%'>)3';)"'7-3)"5-'7-$(: 3%K%(7%/< "5#;< .)=%3#%&&< )3'"+()*>)37,4#%1 ,+/'7-$+< ,+/'4%$+5',4#%'7)'&"((%&&>"##;'5%7'$+7)', Z1 I)+7$+"%&'%&.%($,##;'=-%+'7,35%7%/':$/'4%()*%& Excerpts from The bully, the bullied, and 53)".G,+/'5%7')"7'=-%+'$7'/)%&'+)7'&%38%';)"'=%##1 /$&73%&&%/')3')4K%(7&'7)'7-%'&%L",#'()**%+71 the not-so-innocent bystander Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2015 B+'&%L",#'4"##;$+5'7-%3%'$&'+)'$+8$7,7$)+GK"&7',+ w w w.kidsareworthit.com ,77,(:1 D-%'7,35%7'$&'%*4,33,&&%/< -"*$#$,7%/< ,+/ \ [email protected] &-,*%/',+/'7%+/&'7)'>%%#'.)=%3#%&&1 B7'$&'+)7'7-% 800.729.1588 B##"&73,7$)+&'4;'c)%;'I)#)3)&)'a'A\\A $+7%+7$)+')> 7-%'4"##;'7)'%+5,5%'$+'-%,#7-;'&%L",# WL(%3.7&'>3)*'!"#$%&''()$*"#$%&''+#,)$-.,$*"#$%(/*-.,#0< >#$37,7$)+'=$7-',+)7-%3'.%3&)+G7-%',77,(:'$&'*%,+7'7) !,34,3,'I)#)3)&)'a'A\\A -"371 B> 7-%'7,35%7'.3)7%&7&< -%f&-%'$&')>7%+'#,4%#%/', ===1:$/&,3%=)37-$71()*':$/&',3%'=)37-'$7< $+(1 Q4$7(-R =-)'$&'".7$5-7',+/'(,+H7'7,:%','K):%1 Z\\1XA[1?TZZ'b''>,L'C\C1[XA1?A\E The Net Neighborhood Ways and Means of Cell Phone Bullying Children are doubling up on their media exposure—watching TV Many models of today’s cell phones while plugged in to the Internet, are actually powerful, miniature, text messaging while listening to handheld multimedia computers music—and packing as much as that kids can use to talk to one 8.5 hours of media exposure into another, chat via IM, send text 6.5 hours a day, seven days a messages with still and video week. Kids are plugged in, turned images, chat online, surf the Internet, on, and tuned out for the equivalent ©Joey Coloroso 2007 download songs, and watch TV. of a forty-five-hour workweek, every week. Cyberbullies Bullies use any and all of the following to target their peers: Media technology has the power Bullies are using high tech tools to to help define reality for our kids; threaten, stalk, ridicule, humiliate, • Abusive, insulting, or threatening it also has tremendous influence on taunt, and spread rumors about voice messages. who our kids become and what their targets. The characteristics of • Abusive, insulting, or threatening kind of world they inhabit. bullying—imbalance of power, the text messages. intent to harm, the threat of further • Silent calls. Connecting to the Internet is like , and the creation of • Stolen identity--sending text opening the door to a new--and terror—are magnified with the user message through a Website using vast—city. of electronic technologies. the name and phone number of the • Some parents look at the ugly and target in order to get the target into absolutely scary stuff out there and Faceless and nameless electronic trouble, spread a rumor, or tempt refuse to let the Internet be a part transmissions make it easy for others to retaliate against an of their family life at all. bullies to torment their targets unsuspecting target. • Some parents are so ill-informed anywhere and at any time. • Numerous calls or text messages and have so little desire to be to a cell phone in order to run up a computer literate that they allow Bullies are: large phone bill for the target. their children to roam any and all 1. emboldened by apparent • Photo-bullying—using cell phones streets, back alleys, and freeways anonymity afforded them in to take compromising or humiliating of the Internet. cyberspace pictures or videos of the target, • Some parents who know how 2. removed from the immediate sending those pictures or videos to ignorant they are, make an effort to reaction of the target, everyone in their address books and learn at least as much as their young 3. far often not held posting these pictures for perpetuity children know, and more—especially accountable for their actions. on file-sharing service (such as about Net safety and Net etiquette. Kazaa) for anyone to download or They realize the Net is here to stay, Faceless and nameless electronic view. and that teaching children to use it transmissions make it easy for excerpts from the bully, the bullied, and to their advantage, to get the most bullies to torment their targets theexc not-so-innocenterpts from the b ubystanderlly, the b ullied, and the out of it, and to be safe requires the anywhere and at anytime, with byby sBarbaratander, ColorosoBarbara C ©ol o2015roso © 2005 www.kidsareworthit.comwww.kidsareworthit.com same tools that other communication apparent anonymity, distributing of [email protected] are worth it! inc. 800.729.1588 and relationship skills require. irretrievable messages worldwide. 800.729.1588fax 303.972.T1204 p.o. box 621108 Littleton, Colorado 80162

Internet Gaming • Closely monitor your child’s TV How to Respond viewing, video game playing, Games played on gaming devices computer activities, and music. The situation is often made worse such as Sony PlayStation 2 Network • Engage in more constructive, by responding to the cyberbully, or Xbox Live allow players from entertaining, and energizing whether that response is passive, around the world to play together or activities. aggressive, or assertive. in competition with one another. • Teach your child to “will good.” Cyber bullies who frequent gaming SCBT (Stop, Copy, Block, and communities taunt, threaten, lock The discipline involved is a Tell a trusted adult.) targets out of the game, or hack into constructive and compassionate their target’s account. response to that takes • Stop. Don’t respond. into consideration the intent, the • Copy. Make copies of all messages Not all Internet games are violent, severity of the cyberbullying, and and pictures, and save cell phone but those that are, greatly impact the the restorative steps needed to help text and voice messages. bully, the bullied, and the bystander. the cyberbully to take on a more • Block or filter communications Not only do these games normalize prosocial role in the face-to-face through IM contact list or email. violence and make it routine, they encounters with peers and in the • Tell a trusted adult. set up other people as adversaries, virtual neighborhood. prey, or targets; they may even help If the cyberbullying is threatening create neural pathways that connect Helping the Cyberbullied or vicious you may need to do the violence with pleasure and rewards, following as well: rather than fright, sadness, and Being targeted in cyberspace can • Change email address, account, sympathy. have devastating and sometimes username, phone number and/or deadly consequences. SIM (subscriber identity module) Stopping Cyberbullying for cell phone users. • The warning signs that kids exhibit • File a detailed complaint with the Whether the cyberbullying is done when being cyberbullied are similar school. via the cell phone or any other to those exhibited if they are bullied • File a complaint with the Website, electronic tool—or combination of in any other way, but the spiral down Internet service provider, or cell tools—the response should begin into , illness, and phone company. with the loss of privileges related to academic failure is usually • Contact the police if the the use of those tools. The following accelerated when cyberbullying is cyberbullying appears to be steps are the same used to hold involved. criminal. any bully accountable for any form • Cyberbullying can and does • Contact an attorney. It is possible of bullying: happen anytime and anywhere—no to seek financial damages from the escape. cyberbully and his or her parents. • Intervene immediately with • All of the reasons for not telling discipline utilizing the three Rs: about being the target of low-tech Bystanders restitution, resolution, and bullying are the same for reconciliation. cyberbullying. They can be willing or unwitting • Create opportunities to “do good.” • Added fear that if targets report accomplices to cyberbullies. Bullies • Nurture empathy and sympathy. being cyberbullied, their parents can use bystanders to do • Teach friendship skills—assertive, will take away their cell phones and “cyberbullying by proxy.” respectful, and peaceful ways to restrict their computer access. relate to others.

From Bystander to Witness Three P’s: must be educated not only about the Policies, Procedures, and dangers of low-tech and high-tech It is never easy to stand up to a bully Programs bullying, but also about the world or defend a target. But just as there of high tech in general as both an are ways to act courageously in the Even though most cyberbullying environment and a tool for real world, there are ways to stand occurs outside of school, it socializing that the younger up, speak out, and defend a target in negatively impacts students and the generation has fully embraced. the cyberworld. school environment. It has already led to violence—including murder Decoding the Code Tactics and suicide—in schools throughout the world. Kids use shorthand to quickly send • Don’t contribute to a blog or Web- text messages to one another. It is poll that denigrates or humiliates a If your school already has an important to know the lingo. A few target. Sign off or click “end.” antibullying policy, procedures in common codes used: • Don’t forward or copy-and-paste place for the bully, the bullied, and derogatory, harmful, or hurtful e- bystanders, and programs that help • HHOJ: Ha, ha, only joking (or JJ: mails, text messages, or pictures to break the cycle of violence and just joking). Both are used to absolve another site. create a more caring, inclusive cyberbullies of any responsibility for • Save, copy, and print out such environment, it is important that an their taunts. examples of cyberbullying and give electronic component be added to • LOL: Laughing out loud. them to the target so he or she can all three P’s: • BRB: Be right back. be aware of what is happening. • WTGP:PTextOS: P aWantrent oveto gor s houlprivate?der. Sharing such information in a caring • Policies must include a sanction • 9: Parent in the room. and supportive way will help the against cyberbullying as well as • YRDM: You are dead meat. target feel less isolated and alone. other kinds of bullying. Students • YBS: You’ll be sorry. • Tell a caring adult you trust who and parents need to be informed that • ASL: Age/sex/location. will keep your identity confidential, cyberbullying will not be tolerated. • LMIRL: Let’s meet in real life. who will act to support the target, • Procedures for restorative justice • F2F: Face to face. and who will make sure the must be tailored to the unique • SOHF: Sense of humor failure. cyberbully is held to account. problems and possible solutions • RUITD: Are you in the Dark? • Tell the cyberbully that you are not required to repair the damage done comfortable getting involved in the through cyberbullying—especially CCheckheck out Wwebsitesebsites suchsuch as:as cyberbullying. the very public and potentially wwww.netlingo.comww.netlingo.com. permanent aspect of it. www.commonsensemedia.org Kids have to trust that telling an • Programs must address what •www.StopCyberbullying.orgAsk your kids to teach you a few of adult will make a positive difference. cyberbullying is; how it impacts twww.EndRevengePorn.orgwww.EndRevenge.Porn.orghe shortcuts on the cell phone. It is Once they have shared information students; what students are to do if iwww.RedHoodProject.commportant that you know and make with you, talk with them about what they are targeted or if they are aware the effort to keep up with the lingo they can do and what you are going of another student being targeted; your• Ask ki yourds a rkidse us itong. teach you a few of to do. and ways to use cyberspace in a the shortcuts on the cell phone. It is creative, constructive, and eimportantxcerpts from thatthe b uyoully, th knowe bullie dand, and make the the beffortystande tor, B keeparbara upCol owithroso ©the 20 0lingo5 your If your child begs you not to get responsible manner. www.kidsareworthit.com involved, hear them out, and then kkidsids ar eare wo rusing.th it! inc. 800.729.1588 share your concerns about possible What is needed is a comprehensive fax 303.972.1204 p.o. box 621108 Lexcerpts i t t l e t o n , C from o l o r a tdheo 8 bul016l2y, the bullied, and consequences of not acting and the school-led/community-based the not-so-innocent bystander possible actions you both can take. approach. The adult community by Barbara Coloroso © 2015 www.kidsareworthit.com [email protected] 800.729.1588 Three P’s for a school-led/community based approach

Anti-bullying Policy: Must be clearly articulated, consistently enforced, and broadly communicated. It should include a clear definition of what bullying is, the types of bullying, and the overlays that often increase the cruelty and impact of the bullying.

Sample: Bullying is a conscious, willful, deliberate activity intended to harm where the perpetrator(s) get pleasure from the targeted child’s pain/and or misery. It can be verbal, physical, and/or relational; have as it’s overlay race, ethnicity, religion, gender (including ), physical, or mental ability; includes all forms of and cyberbullying. It can be and often is continuous and repeated over time, but does not have to be. Once is enough to constitute bullying.

Include in the policy a statement of responsibility of those who witness the bullying to seek to stop it by intervening, helping the targeted student escape, and/or telling a caring adult.

Anti-bullying Procedures: Clearly outline the consequences for the bully—and any henchmen or other bystanders who played an active supporting role in the bullying. These procedures should include discipline measures that will be taken to hold the students accountable for their actions. (I recommend some form of restorative justice, i.e. Restitution, Resolution, and if possible, an attempt at Reconciliation at the targeted student’s behest.) Procedures for restorative justice are tailored to the unique problems and possible solutions to repair the damage done. It is helpful to incorporate into the plan the six other ways to reform the perpetrator(s). Parent are notified of the bullying and asked to take measures at home that will help in the restorative justice process.

Clearly outline what measures will be taken to keep the targeted student safe at school, give him or her tools to stand up to the perpetrators, and support to keep the targeted student from succumbing to the bullying. Identify a person or persons to whom the student can safely report any further bullying incidences. Notify parent(s) of incident and school’s plan. Give parent(s) the method to use to report any further targeting of their child. (see how to report)

Programs: Develop programs that back up and reinforce the policy as well as help to create a safe, caring, and welcoming environment for all students.

It is the school culture and social environment that these policies, procedures, and programs create as well as reflect. We can rewrite the script and create for our youth alternative, healthier roles that require no pretense or violence. We can rechannel the behaviors of the youth who bully into positive leadership activities; acknowledge the non-aggressive behaviors of a youth who is bullied as strengths that can be developed and are honored; and transform the role of the bystander into that of witness, resister, and defender. A daunting but necessary task. Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2005, 2009, 2015