The Triumphant Child Helping Your Child with Special Needs A 7 Step Strategy There are many incredible books available today that offer exhaustive help for parents who have children with special needs. We encourage you to read as many as you can, and become an eager student of all the knowledge that is right at your fingertips. This small manifesto is not meant to replace those by any means. This is not a “what to do” guide as much as it is a “how to approach” guide.
Our hope is to offer you the perspective needed to help you face your challenges in a whole new light. We hope to become one more voice in a conversation built around helping children become what they were meant to become. We don’t pretend to be the only voice, or the loudest, nor do we pretend to have all the answers. All we know is that children deserve more. And we want to help in our own small way.
If you find this manifesto of value, please share it with others. Using This Guide Using
1 Hope sees the invisible, “ feels the intangible, “and achieves the impossible.
Anonymous There is no one road to success, any more than there is one road to happiness, or one road to good health. If there was, we’d all have the same lives, with the same talents and obstacles. But, truth is, we each come into this world with different strengths and challenges, all leading us toward the life we were meant to live, and the unique magnificence we were meant to express.
And while our strengths empower us and lead us toward our goals, our challenges are often a whole other story. If left undirected or misinterpreted, they can easily make us feel alone and isolated, even stripped of joy and separated from life itself.
Nobody knows this more than a parent of a child with special needs.
You have a dream for your child. An imagined future. And you’d like it to be as easy to reach as it is for those around you. But, that’s not always the case. And, sometimes, no matter how small or large your particular challenge may be, it’s easy to buy into that feeling that you’re staring up at Introduction a distant star in a galaxy you’ll never visit.
If you measure the distance and do the math, it’s easy to become discouraged, frozen with worry and doubt, which can easily transform into hopelessness. 3 But, that’s not what this guide is about. This is a manifesto for what is possible. A journey of hope. It’s about transforming challenge into strength, and strength into purpose, and purpose into a life of meaning and joy.
We won’t tell you it comes all at once.
It’s a process to redefine challenge into something that not only brings our lives back to wholeness, but moves us forward, and enriches the very fabric of our being.
But, it’s possible. We’ve seen it too many times to doubt it. Fear becomes strength. Despair becomes hope. Struggle becomes enlightenment.
It takes persistence, resolve, intuition, also community, friends, and family.
It also takes a plan. This manifesto is that plan. It’s a way of living and thriving with the challenges you face.
It’s a way of turning challenge into triumph...
...your child’s triumph.
4 www.webwisetherapyservices.com Introduction Lesson #1 Take Care of Yourself First
Your finest work, your best movements, your joy, peace, and “ “healing comes when you love yourself. You give a great gift to the world when you do that.
Melodie Beattie 7 Lesson #1
Take Care of Yourself First As inself-less. Truth is,it’s literallysayingyou’re losingyourself.Make thatlostyourself. just thatyou’re kindandthinkaboutyourselflessthanothers. at the word selfless. What is it really saying? And I’ll give you a hint: it’s not And wecanbeginbystoppingright now, andtakingalonghard look In fact,weshouldmakeitourmission. Just thesame,weshouldtry. We shouldtrywith everyfiberofourbeing. words, it’s impossibletoalwaysputourselvesfirst. isnecessary.back burner Soisprioritizing.Andgoingwithout.Inother of timeandeffort tocare foraspecialneedschild.Puttingthingsonthe And thisseemslogicalenough.Afterall,ittakesanextraordinary amount with theneedsofanotherthanone’s own. easily comes to mind, as in selfless devotion, or a life that’s more concerned that word a is selfless children, needs special of parents to comes it When Blasphemy. We know. But,hearus out. Take care ofyourselffirst? Any way you look at it, this isn’t a good thing. I mean must we really lose ourselves to give our children a better life?
Commitment I get. Dedication? Devotion? Purpose? Boundless love? Absolutely.
But, selflessness? I don’t think so.
In fact, I’m just going to go ahead and say the unthinkable. Selflessness is overrated.
It might do some good in the short run, but long term, it can hurt us more than it helps.
In the same way, you can’t teach a child to be a better human being without being a better human being yourself; you can’t help your children become what they’re capable of becoming without helping yourself become what you’re capable of becoming.
If you want their best self, you need your best self. Your whole self.
A child doesn’t need a parent who sacrifices his or her own magnificence for the sake of another. A child needs a parent who models growth and embodies possibility; who embraces change and seeks wholeness.
Lesson #1 8 Take Care of Yourself First A child doesn’t need a parent who has little time for herself, or lives in a constant state of self-denial. A child needs a parent who values herself the same way she wants the world to value her child. A child needs a parent who is in a never ending and passionate pursuit of joy, peace and meaning.
Your child doesn’t just want it.
She needs it. Craves it. Lives off of it.
Think about it. What does an airline tell you in their preflight safety spiel, right after they explain how to use the seat cushion as a flotation device? They instruct passengers, ”should the cabin lose air pressure, to put your own oxygen mask on first, and then assist others.”
There’s a reason they tell us to put our own mask on first: we’re not going to be of much help to anyone if we’re passed out and useless.
Likewise, we’re of no use to our children unless we’re conscious and full of air. We need to be at our best to offer our best. We need to be stronger so our children will be stronger. Your child needs the light in you to burn as bright as it possibly can. Recognize that and your world will change forever.
Lesson #1 9 Take Care of Yourself First Of course, let’s be real: sacrifices will always need to be made. Lots of them. But, that doesn’t mean we need to sacrifice our lives in the process. And it also doesn’t mean we should hop on our Harley Davidson and head for Las Vegas anytime we feel like it. It means we need to strike a balance between the needs of our child and our own magnificence.
It means we need to care for ourselves—physically, emotionally and mentally, recharging ourselves at every opportunity. It means valuing ourselves and our own individual journey as much as we value our children’s.
Let’s make today the day we shed our selfless cloaks forever, fully committing ourselves to taking care of our bodies, feeding our minds and uplifting our spirits. Let’s do it for our children, and, more importantly...... let’s do it for ourselves.
Lesson #1 10 Take Care of Yourself First To get started:
Do something each week that’s just for you. Find a hobby. Cultivate a new friendship, revive an old one, join a support group, start a garden, join a book club. Anything that’s just for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s 20 minutes a week or 2 hours. What matters is that you start to value yourself in whatever small way you can. Let it grow from there.
Allow others to help you. Learning how to receive is as important as giving. They’re two sides of the same coin. You can’t have balance in your life without making room for both. People want to help. Don’t deny them that opportunity to serve.
Take three small steps each week to become more healthy. Start walking, drink five glasses of water a day, add more greens to yourdiet, do yoga, meditate. Again, it doesn’t matter what you try, only that you put the wheels in motion.
Lesson #1 11 Take Care of Yourself First Learn to say no. Unless you’re a superhero who can be in ten places at one time, your time and energy is limited, and so must your choices. We all have things in our life we know we shouldn’t be doing, but we still do anyway. End that today. Say no to overtime, unreasonable deadlines, and impossible workloads that leave no time for joy in your life. Say no to friends who infringe on your space, covet your time, suck your energy, and give nothing in return. Say no to always being the knight in shining armor. It’s great to help out and be there for others, and we certainly need more of it in this world. But don’t get trapped into thinking it always has to be you who is the shoulder to cry on, or the only one who can make cookies, or coach little league, or house-sit the neighbor’s pet.
Saying no can be one of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to family and friends, but if your no comes from the place of your own truth, it’s the right thing to do. It’s not just about freeing up time, it’s about restoring energy for things that really matter.
Above all, seek for yourself the same things you seek for your child. Opportunity. Hope. Joy. A better life. Do that every day and you will become a bright sun from which the world around you will grow and blossom.
Lesson #1 12 www.webwisetherapyservices.com Take Care of Yourself First Lesson #2 Find Your Own Game Plan Knowledge is love “ and light “ and vision.
Helen Keller 15 Lesson #2
Find Your Own Game Plan When itcomesto ourkidswedon’t want to makeamistake. guess oneself, stop, start, switch gears, and thenbegin all over again. they don’t knowifthey’re headedintherightdirection. It’s easyto second- Often parents have no idea where to begin, or if they have already begun, comprehensive strategy. Ittakesagameplan. That’s anoceanofwork.Andlikeanymonumentalchallenge, ittakesa child athome. all atthesametimethey’re tryingtocare for, motivateandsupporttheir they needtobecomeexpertsonhowadvocatebehalfoftheir child, for anassessmentandhowtounderstandwhattheresults mean.Inshort, will bereceiving. Theyneedtoknowhowpickatherapist,whenask but whatservicesare availableandtheamountofassistancethattheirchild Parents notonlyneedtoknowwhereandsupport, togoforinformation The worldofSpecialEducationiscomplicatedandchallengingto navigate. But how? done. well Now, it’s way, timetogetthematterathand—helpingyourchildsucceed. Either first. yourself putting to committed you’ve the very least, at or nap, unselfish long, a from awoken just you’ve Hopefully, We want the perfect ”start here and you’ll get there” road map. Put in your GPS coordinates, click return, and then wait until the friendly voice tells you that “your destination will be on the right in 2.3 miles.”
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way, especially when it comes to Special Education, where there is no perfect map. Sure, they’ll be similar roads and common pitfalls. Roadblocks. Red lights. Gridlock. But each family will have their challenges and triumphs arrive in their own time and manner, and no matter how much we may want it, no book, Google search or how-to-guide, including this one, will deliver a game plan that works for everybody. They may offer valuable tips and point the way, but the final path is yours to discover.
Now, if that sounds intimidating, it’s not meant to be. In fact, this act of discovery, challenging as it may be, is an empowering part of the journey, and a key to helping your child succeed.
Discovery brings ownership, not only of the rules and nuances of the game, but the truths that lie behind them.
Lesson #2 16 Find Your Own Game Plan If we simply act on what we’re told, or follow someone else’s path blindly, it’s easy to second-guess our choices, because these choices are not earned, and are built on someone else’s truth.
But if we slowly discover the path for ourselves, through hard work, research, personal investigation, and even trial and error, we build a foundation of knowledge and awareness that builds solidly upon itself, making our convictions stronger and our path clearer.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get help to get started, or all along the way. On the contrary, we need as much help as we can, from as many different directions and sources as possible.
It simply means that we should process all that help and information and make it our own. The knowledge we gain is only as good as the degree to which we own it.
Lesson #2 17 Find Your Own Game Plan You can start with these five simple tips. They’re a combination of outlook, attitude, and the right tools. Put them all together and you have the beginning of a game plan you can call your own:
Tip #1: Begin as a Beginner I know. Very Zen. But, there is a simple wisdom here that applies to us all. We don’t have to be experts, or have all the answers. In fact, recognizing you’re just starting your journey, or seeing yourself as a beginner, regardless of where you may be in your life, is not only liberating, but conjures up a humility that opens the door for guidance from the most unlikely sources. Think you know it all, and you always will. Believe you’re always a beginner, and you’ll always find something new to learn.
To get started: Give yourself permission to not know everything, and don’t judge yourself for it. In fact, wear your “open and eager” mind as a badge of honor, a reflection of your desire to help your child. Allow yourself patience, which, combined with persistence and strategy, will eventually give you all the information and tools you need.
As the saying goes, this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
Lesson #2 18 Find Your Own Game Plan Tip #2: Accept Your Feelings, Then Move On Any lasting plan to help your child should begin with a check on emotions. It’s normal to feel alone, isolated and scared. Even angry, bitter, or jealous. Emotions are not the enemy. We all have them. They let us know we’re human, release bottled up energy, and allow us to gauge our feelings and recalibrate our actions. They’re touchstones that life is good and we have much to be grateful for, or that life is out of balance and we have things to work on. Either way, we need them, even the unpleasant ones.
The key is to not become slaves to them, or let them run our lives, directing us to do things we don’t want to do, or avoid things we do want to do. A healthy emotional life is good for us, which—as we learned in step one—is always good for our children.
To get started: Commit to watching your emotions as closely as you can, not with judgment, but with gentle detachment, like a kindly observer. Each day, take one small action to bring your emotions back into balance. If you feel alone, call a friend, sign up for a class, make a point of chatting with others; if you’re scared to do something, choose a bite-sized challenge that you can tackle in a comfortable way; if you’re angry or resentful, do something kind for a friend, volunteer, give back, open the heart center.
After you take that one small action, the next day, take another. Remember......
Lesson #2 19 Find Your Own Game Plan ...transformation doesn’t happen over night.
It takes one small victory built upon another.
Consistency and repetition make all the difference.
So does showing up.
Also, be strong enough to recognize when you can’t deal with your emotions on your own. Seek out friends, support groups, or therapy.
Make peace and balance in your life your ultimate goal, and all those around you will benefit.
Lesson #2 20 Find Your Own Game Plan Tip #3: Become Collaborative The most productive way to start a game plan is to begin with a simple realization: you don’t have to do everything yourself. You don’t have to have all the answers, all the therapeutic wisdom, or even all the inner and outer strength to deal with your child’s needs. There are people out there who are uniquely qualified to help. Teachers. Specialists. Advocates. Neighbors. Relatives. Friends. Friends of friends. Be brave. Be humble. And ask for help. Dealing with your child’s special needs is a collaborative affair. Realize and accept this fact and your game plan will unfold on its own, and be far more powerful than if you were to go it alone.
Tip #4 Find the Right Therapist At the end of the day, you’re looking for comfort, peace of mind, solutions, and perspective. Ultimately, that means finding the ideal therapist/teacher for your child. Sooner than later, you need to bring a trusted professional into your circle, individuals who can help you see your child clearly. Sometimes your emotions can cloud your vision when the solution is just around the corner. Having people like speech therapists, occupational therapists, and physical therapists will help you sort out what is a true challenge for your child and what might be more related to behavior and preferences.
Lesson #2 21 Find Your Own Game Plan Choosing a Therapist: Finding and selecting a therapist to help your child, yourself, and your family is an important decision. Professionals differ in training, philosophy, and personality, and the best choice for you is a good “fit” for your child and yourself, someone you and/or your child likes and with whom you feel connected. You will also want to look for a therapist who follows methods known to be associated with effective treatment.
Make sure your therapist:
1. Provides a comprehensive evaluation before you begin treatment and delivers it in easily understandable, written form. If there is jargon that you don’t understand, ask for an explanation before agreeing to treatment.
2. Makes parent education an integral part of the treatment program, and we don’t mean five minutes at the end of a treatment session. Parents need and deserve much more than that. Parent participation, feedback and education should be built into the treatment plan.
3. Provides written goals for treatment before you begin treatment to assure that everyone is “on the same page” about priorities.
Lesson #2 22 Find Your Own Game Plan 4. Documents changes with post-treatment testing so everyone knows how treatment is helping your child and your family.
5. Uses play and success to produce change and foster self-esteem. During quality therapy, children think they are playing. If a child is crying during most treatment sessions, the therapist may not be skilled in providing challenge with success, which is a keystone to treatment effectiveness.
6. Asks questions that will lead to effective understanding of you, your child, and your family. Don’t be afraid to ask questions yourself either. If you don’t understand what your therapist is doing, it is crucial to confirm that his or her methods and activities are grounded in sound therapeutic concepts and are part of a well-defined strategy.
If the therapist cannot clearly answer your questions, it may be a red flag that he or she lacks the training or understanding to provide effective intervention.
7. Listens to you, and fully believes in the potential of your child to change. The outcomes of therapy are functional changes – differences that you, your child’s teacher, and others can see. If you can’t tell if your child is improving, he or she is not improving enough.
Lesson #2 23 Find Your Own Game Plan Tip #5: Be Your Child’s Detective Whether it’s watching a child do homework, brush her teeth, or interact with other children, the role of a parent begins with an awareness of the child’s entire universe. This takes being more than a casual observer, it takes being an unrelenting detective. When it comes to your child with special needs, you need to dig as deep as you can, observing all the small and large moments in her day.
Is your child acting out and, if so, when, what’s happening, how is this time different than the last time? Is she having attentional issues, struggling in school, having problems with behaviors, or accessing curriculum?
Conversely, where do you see your child thrive? What makes her eyes light up? What challenges her? Frustrates? Inspires? While most parents will instinctively notice the obvious, make it your mission to pay close attention to the subtle, and almost imperceptible behavior that happens every day. Look for the moments between the moments.
The more you know your child, the more you will be able to help her teacher/therapist set up a strategy that will help her succeed.
Lesson #2 24 Share: www.webwisetherapyservices.com Find Your Own Game Plan Lesson #3 Use Your Intuition
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a “ “faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Albert Einstein 27 Lesson #3
Use Your Intuition with intuitionas your guide.Afterall,itwasintuition thatbrought you or ignore logic.Infact,you’llprobably useyourmindmore than ever, only whatever youwanttocallit.This doesn’t meanyou’lldismiss theexperts It’s timetohonorandcultivateyourintuition—heart, gut, instincts,or as theadvocateforyourchild,can’t letthemdoit. all theycanprocess. But,itdoesn’t matterwhy. Whatmattersisthat,you, own intuitionfallasleep,orthey’re soruledbythemindthat theintellectis And they’lldoitbecausetheydon’t understandyou,orthey’velettheir whatever theycantomakeyoufeelguilty. your imagination. They’ll smirk, or shake their head everso gently, doing those who will try. They’ll call your intuition emotional, or a product of And don’t letanyonemakeyoubelieveotherwise.Andthere willbe And never is this truer than for the parent of a child with special needs. ally, andgreatest toolforlightingourpath. brain canonlytakeyousofar. Attheendofday, intuitionisourbest much research you’vedone,orhowmanyexpertslistenedto,the have knownforyears. It doesn’t matterhow many booksyou’veread, how Thank youAlbertEinsteinforsheddinglightonwhatmothersandfathers to a particular therapist in the first place, or moved you to read a certain book, or visit a particular website. Honoring your intuition means you will not give away your power, or responsibility to someone outside of yourself.
This is part of the ownership we talked about in the last section. Whether you’re in a doctor’s office, at an IEP, or out with family members, you know what your child needs. Speak up, and don’t apologize for your insight. It’s just as valuable, if not more, than any degree someone may hang on his wall.
And if you should be made to feel less than for those feelings, I hope you will recognize that tiny twinge in your stomach. That, too, is your intuition, whispering in your heart that this is someone who cannot help you.
Your true self always knows.
Lesson #3 28 Use Your Intuition But, beware: sometimes your intuition will betray you. It gets muddled in the business of worry, second-guessing, and overthinking. It gets tangled up in what others think and what you want others to believe; that or it becomes short-circuited with emotion that has gone out of balance. It’s not like your intuition goes anywhere, it just becomes disconnected.
For the sake of your children’s well being, do whatever you can to reconnect your intuition, starting with your commitment to:
• Practice Using It. Intuition is an art form, and like a garden, it needs cultivating and tending. We need to work at it. Start using your intuition with small things: what to eat, what book to read, workshop to sign up for, door to walk through. All day long we’re given opportunities to practice our intuition. Recognize these moments and use them as often as possible.
• Look for Signs. The guidance we receive from our intuition doesn’t just arrive in the shape of an inward nudge, it also reveals itself through all the small and large signs the universe is sending to us everyday—conversations, billboard signs, bumper stickers, cryptic phone calls, newspaper articles, a book suddenly opened to the right page.
Lesson #3 29 Use Your Intuition And while it’s easy to dismiss these as coincidence, or New-Age figments of our imagination, even Einstein, the ultimate scientist, would argue that these “signs” are essentially part of the same fabric from which our intuition is born. As he so poetically put it, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
The more we see answers everywhere—from a trained professional to an inner nudge to a cryptic message—the less we will rely entirely on the mind, which ultimately cultivates our intuition even more.
• Be Open and Flexible. It’s hard to be intuitive if you come to life with an agenda, which is the firm belief that things should be a certain way. And this is not a commendable conviction of thought we’re talking about, but a hardening of thought. We can all be guilty of this at one time or another. And the damaging result is that we limit our intake of positive, helpful information.
When we think there’s only one way, we’re shown only one way. When we think we have all the answers, no new answers arrive. Conversely, the more open and flexible we are to where and how information comes into our lives, the more places there are for truth to enter.
Lesson #3 30 Use Your Intuition • Connect Body and Spirit. There is nothing that connects us more to our intuition than when mind, body and spirit are one. It doesn’t matter whether you follow a spiritual practice or not. What matters is that you connect the body and mind with the deeper, higher part of yourself, the part of you that has the answers.
In practice, this will mean something different for everyone. Spirituality. Meditation. Nature. Yoga. Marathons. A good laugh. Use what works for your life. Just know that behind the daily struggle of life, there is a peaceful, knowing guru who has the answers. That person is you.
The more you use and trust your intuition, the stronger it will become and the more confident you will feel using it.
But, remember, sometimes your intuition will defy logic and common sense, forcing you to buck convention, or family and friends.
That’s when you need to be strong and remind yourself that your intuition is born out of a deeper connection than anyone else can see—the invisible thread that connects you with your child.
Lesson #3 www.webwisetherapyservices.com 31 Use Your Intuition Lesson #4 Take Time to Play
Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious “ “learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.
Fred Rogers
34
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In the world of play everything has meaning. Playing with Legos is more more is Legos with Playing meaning. has everything play of world the In building on skills that will help his or her particular disability. disability. particular her or his help will that skills on building
Take Time toPlay
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It’s easy to get locked into your child’s disability child’s your into locked get to easy It’s to become so overwhelmed overwhelmed so become to — Story time teaches creative imagination, while a game of freeze tag or Simon Says encourages children to control and inhibit movements. It all has purpose, each activity allowing the parent to connect emotionally with the child, while serving to enhance specific developmental skills.
Now, we won’t attempt to go into an exhaustive treatment on why and how to use play in your daily life. There are hundreds of brilliant and informative books that will help you get started. Find the ones that speak to you, then read, learn and apply.
Our mission here is to simply help you shift your strategy so that you commit to incorporating more play into your family’s life.
Parents of special needs children can no longer leave play to therapists, teachers or a child’s friends. To make meaningful progress, parent-child play should become an integral part of a family’s daily activity.
Yes, schedules are impossible. Life is crazy. But, the time and energy is worth it. All of the therapies, education, hard work and effort will be enhanced ten-fold when you start connecting and engaging with your child through play.
Lesson #4 35 Take Time to Play Here’s how you can get started.
1. Begin with floor time. Volumes have been written on floor time. Simply put, it’s spending 20-30 uninterrupted minutes when you get down on the floor with your child and interact and play. Read Stanley Greenspan’s immensely helpful book, “The Child With Special Needs,” which offers chapters full of healthy suggestions on floor time. But, don’t wait until you read the book, or any book to start.
The idea is simple: Lie on the ground, comment on what you see your child doing, and smile. That’s it. Don’t over think it. Truth is, not even the activity matters. The goal is to find ways to turn the activity into an interaction. The goal is togetherness. Connecting.
As Greenspan puts it in his book, “Your job is to follow your child’s lead and play at whatever captures his or her interest, but to do it in a way that encourages your child to interact with you. It’s interactions you want to achieve—back and forth communication that capitalizes on emotions and helps the development process.”
2. Be conscious of how you play. Be patient, relaxed, and aware of your own feelings. Monitor your tone of voice and gestures. Use eye contact, laughter, and touch. Be spontaneous. Have fun. Use props. Don’t amuse or entertain, rather join your child’s activity. Follow their need. In short, be fully awake and present during the play process.
Lesson #4 36 Take Time to Play 3. Become a student of play. Once you’ve committed the time, and see the value, now go back and become a student of play. But, don’t just read, seek advice from therapists and teachers. Find out what play works best with your child’s needs, and then incorporate it into your day.
Here are a few more valuable “play” tips from Stanley Greenspan’s book:
• Position yourself directly in front of your child • Invest in whatever your child initiates or imitates • Do not treat avoidance or “no” as rejection
• Expand, expand, expand; play dumb, make the wrong move, do what your child tells you to do, interfere with what she’s doing. Do whatever it takes to keep the interaction going. • Do not interrupt or change the subject as long as your child is interacting • Use sensory-motor play—bouncing, tickling, swinging, and so on—to elicit pleasure • Use sensory toys in cause-and-effect ways: hide a toy, then make it “magically” reappear; drop a belled toy so that your child will hear the jingle; bring a “tickle feather” closer, closer, closer until finally you tickle your child with it
Lesson #4 37 Take Time to Play Remember, listening to all the authorities in the world, or reading all the books in the library, means nothing if you don’t apply them. At the end of the day, read less, apply more.
Work less. Think less. Do less. And play more.
And never underestimate the power of play to change a child’s life.
You’ve chosen the right therapist, have the right team, but there’s nothing more
important than your time on the floor, face to face with your child. The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen“ “ or touched, they are felt with the heart. Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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Lesson #4 www.webwisetherapyservices.com 38 Take Time to Play Lesson #5 Become Inspired Our chief want is someone “ who will inspire us to be “what we know we could be.
Ralph Waldo Emerson 41 Lesson #5
Become Inspired a lotmore energy thanfeelinggood. especially whenwe havetheawareness to knowthatbeingmiserabletakes ourselves, it of out snap can we time the of Most figuratively. or literally depression spiraloutofcontrol untilwecan’t getoutofbedanymore, It happenstoallofusatonetime oranother. We letourtiredness and into afull-blownattackofinertia and apathy. into a slumber,when ournap turns whichevolves into afunkthat blows up Of course,theproblem comeswhentherest weseekbecomeschronic, part ofrejuvenation, andavitalcomponentincaringforourchildren. the game.Acceptance,alongwithrest anddecompression isanimportant sometimes alittlewallowinginourshirtsleevesisallweneedtoget backin foratimeoutand agoodlongnap.And,fortunately,to sendusthecorner It’s thepointwhere wecan’t goanyfurther, andallwewantisforsomeone depressed. we can’t takeitanymore. That’s theexactmomentwegettired, cranky, and until up fill that’sit’sto anything over-saturated,eventually going like And And itmakessense.We getoverworked,overstretched andoverindulged. Some dayswejustwanttodonothing,thinkbenothing. On the other hand, there will always be those times that no matter what we do, or how hard we try, it’s still going to be difficult to pick ourselves up and get moving. At times like this, we need to be our own best motivators. We need to find a way to put the defibrillators on our chests and jump-start ourselves back to life. In short, we need to find ways to inspire ourselves into action.
And while inspiration is not something we can always call up out of thin air whenever we feel like it, it is something we can incorporate into our lives on a regular basis, and even have ready for moments we need it the most.
This begins by consciously becoming aware of what inspires us.
Start by making a list of absolutely everything that inspires you, then go out and ask your friends and family for their recommendations. Always be adding to your list. This is your medicine cabinet, and go-to-list, not only for when times are tough, but for an everyday boost to your morale.
Lesson #5 42 Become Inspired And by inspiration, we mean anything that gives you a pop in your step and moves you to act, anything that uplifts and brings you to life.
It could be twenty minutes with your favorite niece, or an afternoon with a positive friend. It could be words from your favorite author, a particular hike you enjoy, a meaningful blog, favorite movies, a playlist that makes you dance; it could be a documentary, a flash mob musical on YouTube, artwork, inspiring quotes, a trip to Cirque du Soleil, star watching, bird watching or a leisurely stroll through a flea market.
It could be absolutely anything.
The key is to learn what inspires you and motivates you to feel better, then spend every second you can around them. It not only brings restoration to our own lives, but positive change to our families.
Lesson #5 www.webwisetherapyservices.com 43 Become Inspired Lesson #6 Be Present Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s “ the future, but today is a gift. “That’s why it’s called the present.
Bill Keane Being a parent of a special needs child takes a lot of strength, inner and outer. You need ten hands and a positive attitude, not to mention infinite patience and a lifetime of dedication. But, it also takes a secret ingredient that is rarely mentioned. It takes being present, which is our ability to be completely centered in the here and now. To live in the moment. Fully. Wholly.
In theory that doesn’t sound too difficult. Just be where you are and nowhere else. End of story. But, between theory and practice there is often a different reality, a gap that can be as wide as the Grand Canyon.
If you’re a parent with a special needs child, you understand that gap. It’s hard to always enjoy the moment, let alone live in it. First of all, you’re extremely busy. And not just busy, but stretched and pulled in a thousand
Be Present different directions. It’s hard to concentrate on a “singular” thing when there are so many things to do, or things you think you should be doing. Lesson #6 Lesson Because we want so much for our children, we’ve become efficiency experts, workaholics and time management gurus. Somewhere along the line, we have unwittingly bought into the idea that we are only moving forward if every moment of our day is productive, if every moment has a return on investment. Forget about smelling the roses, many of us can’t even carve out a few minutes for a quiet cup of coffee on the porch. 46 Of course, it’s not just busyness that keeps us from living in the moment.
Worry is just as big a culprit. We spend so much time and energy worrying about what has already happened, or what we think might happen in the future, that we have no time for today. This not only keeps our worries spinning alive, but weakens us, kills our spirit, and robs us of joy.
Anxiety makes us want to be somewhere else in our life. And that place is either locked in the past or living in the future. Anxiety messes with our heads, and makes us feel as if there’s no time for other things in our lives. No time to go to a movie, take a walk, enjoy a sunset, or a nap, a long lunch, time with friends.
Any way you look at it, our ability to be present—to live fully in the moment—is at the heart of a happy and productive life. It’s what allows us to appreciate beauty, and what brings balance into our life. It’s also what makes us strong for the challenging journey we face.
Make no mistake: living in the present moment isn’t a luxury reserved for children, yogis or retired millionaires, it belongs to us all. It’s our birthright, and we need it as much as the air we breathe.
Lesson #6 47 Be Present Here is what you can do right now to become more present in your life:
Engage in activities that keep you in the moment. Deep breathing exercises work, as will yoga, meditation, gardening, reading, running, swimming; a walk in the woods, a bike ride at the beach. Nature helps, so does humor, volunteering, and doing virtually anything you’re passionate about.
Embrace the babysitter. Find help. Get a babysitter. Barter, trade, give up Starbucks, collect aluminum cans. Do whatever it takes to give yourself space to breathe.
Surround yourself with people who live in present moment awareness. Children are good for this, so are older people, outdoor types, athletes and creatives. With a little effort, you’ll find your own role models. Spend enough time with them and it’ll rub off.
Catch yourself living in the past or the future as often as you can. Notice regret as it pops up, or guilt, or longing. Recognize when you start thinking about what might or might not happen tomorrow. Catch all these “past and future” moments, and then bring yourself back to the moment you’re living in.
Lesson #6 48 Share: www.webwisetherapyservices.com Be Present “Catching it” is the first step to living it. Let go of perfection, having to do it all, and being all things to all people.
Lose the Superman Complex. This is an illusionary trap with a moving target you’ll never hit. Remember, sometimes progress (and always perfection) can’t be seen by the naked eye.
Turn off the noise. Turn off the loud world around you, slow down and block out distraction. That means turning off your phone, stereo, computer or TV on a regular basis. Like a chain reaction, silence leads to peace, which leads to receptivity, which leads to awareness, which leads to joy, meaning and purpose in our life.
Practice. Now, that you’ve turned off the noise, quieted the mind, and hopefully started to enjoy the small moments of life, it’s time to put “present” moment awareness into your life. This takes practice. And we can practice where it matters most—with our children.
Shut out the world as often as you can and simply sit next to your child. Be wholly present. Do this for even 10 minutes a day and you’ll be thoroughly surprised at how your child responds to you the rest of the day. It’s the best present you can give to your child, and yourself.
Lesson #6 49 Be Present Lesson #7 Choose To Triumph We delight in the beauty of the “ butterfly, but rarely admit the “changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.
Maya Angelou As much as we try to resist the urge, it’s easy to paint the world black and white, to draw lines in our head and divide the world between those who have disabilities and those who don’t, between those who are parents of children with special needs and those who are not.
It’s hard not to look at other parents—and their children without disability— and not feel the pang of separation. To not feel as if you’re playing a different game than everybody else, or living in a parallel world.
The feelings are natural. Don’t deny them, or pretend they’re not there.
But, also, don’t let them define you and determine how you will live your life. If we’re not careful this can easily happen.
The thing about dividing lines is this: the more we believe them and buy into them, the more we unwittingly start living a separate life, one that is devoid of the same richness that others enjoy. Lesson #7 Lesson
Choose to Triumph This is how we become isolated. This is how we become invisible.
Contrary to what we’ve been told, invisibility is not really about how others treat us, it’s about how we look at ourselves.
52 Yes, life can be impossible. Undeniably difficult. Emotionally draining. Financially burdensome. And, yes, there will always be those who have no idea what you’re going through, or will treat you or your child in ways that are less than sensitive, but you must never lose site of the fact that you are not living in a different world, you’re living with different challenges in the same world.
Inclusion in that world begins with you. And how you choose to live.
Choose wisely. Choose honestly. Choose bravely.
Choose to acknowledge pain and struggle, not as a burden, but as an avenue toward strength and a deeper understanding of ourselves and our potential.
Choose to focus less on disabilities, labels, and diagnosis, and more on the little person inside.
Choose to celebrate real achievement—not medals, awards or arbitrary benchmarks of success—but effort, passion and intent, and all the quiet moments and little victories.
Choose to live by the credo that celebration is any moment you choose to notice and give thanks for, and that what we celebrate says everything about who we are and what we value.
Lesson #7 53 Choose to Triumph Choose every opportunity to laugh with your child, express joy and share wonder for the every day miraculous.
Choose to see your life, and all its crazy, hectic, twists and turns, for what it really is—a walking masterpiece of creative expression.
Choose to be just as kind and patient with yourself as you are with your child.
Choose to search for peace and meaning that goes beyond physical and mental limitations.
Choose to be a tireless advocate for your child—calm, diplomatic, and fiercely unrelenting.
Choose to remember that progress can’t always be seen by the naked eye, and that it must sometimes be felt, internally known, and truly believed.
Choose to recognize you are not separate from everyone who walks into your world, but part of the same thread that weaves us all together as one.
Choose wisely. Choose honestly. Choose bravely. And then watch as the line between you and the rest of the world disappears. Finally...
Lesson #7 54 Choose to Triumph Choose to believe that love conquers fear, hope prevails over despair, and that with hard work and infinite patience, your child will not only triumph, but bring much needed love and joy into this world. www.webwisetherapyservices.com 855.355.9473 6711 Forest Lawn Drive, Suite 205 Los Angeles, CA 90068
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