▶ diving into a small CANCERKOANS: living with BRONZELOTUSES fly syllable: Roshi Kanja Odland an acute awareness of impending through the air, bloom in mud examines death at Chapin Mill

WINTER2020 | VOLUME XLI, NUMBERFOUR EDITOR Chris Pulleyn | [email protected] Winter2 020 Z E N B O W EDITORIAL CONSULTANT The mind of the adept is taut—ready, like a drawn bow Roshi | [email protected] COPYEDITOR Winter 2020 | VOLUME XLI, NUMBER FOUR Cecily Fuhr | [email protected] AUDIOTRANSCRIPTIONIST Seen any good movies lately? Read any 3 M SOUNDINGS Jennifer Kyker Soundings good books? Had any burning questions How to Sit in a Chair |Term Intensives: ARTDIRECTOR that you would love to ask other Zen The View from Out-of-Town | Q&A: Is Daryl Wakeley | [email protected] practitioners? PROOFREADER Zen a Religion? |The Masquerade of John Pulleyn Now that we have mailed eight issues of Charity | Definition of upaya the revamped Zen Bow, I hope you are CALLFORSUBMISSIONS HOWTOSITINACHAIR Make sure your chair is square to the SOONER OR LATER in Zen practice, we may wall, so that a line between the two front enjoying it and will think of it when All readers are encouraged to submit essays and find it helpful, or even necessary, to sit in a legs is parallel to the wall. If your pelvis is something piques your interest or strikes images at any time and on any topic related to Zen MARKTURSI chair. We might want to maintain aligned at even a slight angle to the wall, your fancy. We welcome submission of all practice. Articles may be of any length. Suggestions for articles and artwork also welcome, as are “found concentration far into the night, for exam- there will be an unconscious effort to kinds of things for Zen Bow, from excerpts Cancer : A frozen objects” such as quotations, haiku, and/or excerpts ple, while needing the relief of some pos- twist the upper body back to square, ro- of books to “found” art to inspirational tree blossoms from articles in other publications. Submission tural variety. Or an injury could temporar- tating it on the pelvis, which can cause guidelines may be found on theZen Bow page of the quotes, poems, photographs, and artwork. ily make chair-sitting the only way to back strain. A new member reflects on his Center’s website: www.rzc.org/library/zen-bow. For maintain daily . For others, joint Move to the front of the chair, set And, of course, original work of all lengths, any and all questions and suggestions, please email harrowing cancer treatments and the Chris Pulleyn at [email protected]. problems or surgeries make sitting in a your feet about shoulder-width apart, including brief book and movie reviews, possibility of imminent death. ▶ 8 chair a more or less permanent necessity. and look down to check that the toes of But chair sitting can also be difficult each foot are equidistant from the wall. reflections, and full-length feature articles. SUBSCRIBINGTOZENBOW This issue’s roundtable, on traveling while and demanding. For a while, attached to Hinge the torso forward at the hips, ROUNDTABLE �e subscription rate below reflects current postage the idea that “real” zazen meant the lotus thrusting the buttocks out behind, and Buddhist, is an example of something that fees: and seiza postures, and physically unable lower them to your cushion. Straighten 4issues 8issues anybody can get rolling with minimal effort. Traveling while Buddhist U.S.: $20.00 $40.00 to sit well on a mat, I just sat less, or not up. If you don’t quite feel like you are at all. Eventually, grudgingly, I pulled up a right on top of your sit bones, do what Just fire off a group email to five or six other How can we ensure that “in going and FOREIGN: $40.00 $80.00 members with a specific question related to chair. I found there were certain knacks folks sitting on a mat often do: hinge the returning we never leave home”? Some Please send checks and your current address to: for sitting in a chair, just as there are for upper body forward again, thrusting the Zen practice and you might be surprised at Zen Bow Subscriptions Desk tips from practiced travelers. ▶ 15 sitting on a mat: little details, that when RICHARDWEHRMAN buttocks out behind (you’ll feel the sit what comes back. And don’t worry if you’re Rochester Zen Center observed and repeated, make a lot of see Esther Gokhale’s8 Steps to a Pain-Free bones make contact with the cushion); 7 Arnold Park not a skilled writer: the Zen Bow staff is very difference in being able to get centered Back, especially the chapter on “Stack Sit- then look up and follow the head up, ROSHIKANJAODLAND Rochester, NY 14607 happy to work with raw material. and stay energetically quiet. ting”, pp. 68–93). slowly bringing the torso to vertical, PLEASENOTE: If you are moving, the Postal Service �ese are general guidelines; if you �e chair you use must be solidly built, keeping your sit bones under you. To those who have already contributed, I A small syllable charges us for each piece of mail sent to your old can't adhere to them exactly, work out not wobbly. �e seat should be firm or �en place your hands, left hand on address, whether you have left a forwarding reiterate our thanks. To the rest of you, of great power address or not. If you change your address, please something similar that makes sitting firmly padded. �e solid, triangular base top of right, with thumbs lightly touch- manageable for your condition. Experi- provided by the lotus posture can be ap- ing, as usual. �e weight of your hands please know that you’re welcome to submit On the stark beauty of Mu.▶ 16 let us know as soon as possible. Send your address something or contact me at any time to corrections to theZen Bow Subscriptions Desk at ment! And keep trying. (For more ideas proximated in a chair by having three should rest comfortably on your lap; if for the above address or email [email protected]. on developing a strong posture in a chair, solid points of contact: the “sit bones” and any reason this doesn’t happen naturally, discuss ideas for Zen Bow. Without you, as the two feet. If your legs are short, find a arrange a cushion to support your hands. writers as well as readers, it would be a 22M SIGHTINGS COUNTLESSGOODDEEDS chair low enough that your feet rest firmly Take a moderately deep breath, hold it lesser publication.—chris pulleyn If you’re thinking about financial planning, estate WESPENDOURLIVES... on the floor, or place a flat cushion or yoga for a second, and roll one shoulder up and Book review |Duke Symposium on planning, or both, please remember that there are We spend our lives trying to discover block on the floor to raise your feet. back, then roll the other shoulder. Exhale | First residential myriad ways you can help theRZC through planned how to live, a perfect way of life,sensdela If your chair’s height and the length of normally. Tuck your chin slightly while giving. �e right kind of plan can help you reduce vie. But we shall never find it. Life is the your shin bones allow it, it’s helpful to lengthening the back of the neck. sesshin in the Scottish countryside your taxes significantly while providing for a larger, search for it; the successful life is that place one or two cushions on the seat. Ar- With this solid base in place, gently longer-lasting gift to the Zen Center. Because there range your cushions so they are slightly rock the upper body to either side until is a wide array of bequests, annuities, trusts, and which is given up to that search; & when other financial vehicles to consider, you’ll want to we think we have found it, we are farthest elevated towards the rear of the seat: put the torso comes to rest naturally and qui- work with your financial advisor to decide what’s from it. Delude ourselves that we have the flat cushion under the back end of the etly in the center. Lower your gaze down best for you. Long-time Zen Center member David found it, persuade ourselves that here at round cushion, or place a wedge cushion the wall a bit, de-focus the eyes, and you Kernan, an attorney who concentrates his practice least there is a point at which we can under a rectangular support. You want are all set for a good round of sitting. in tax law, has generously offered to help point you rest—and life has at once become the tops of your thighs to be slanting Since a traditional lotus posture is op- in the right direction at no charge. For more moribund. Just as to remain in love we down, at least slightly, toward the knees, timal for providing stability, other pos- information about planned giving and David’s offer, must be continually falling in love, so to so that the centers of the hip joints are tures, such as sitting in a chair, put the ONTHECOVER please contact the Center’s receptionist. remain living we must be continually striv‐ higher than the tops of the knee joints. sitter at a modest disadvantage. To mini- PHOTOGRAPHBY Gretchen Targee| The driveway of the residence at233 ing to live. To avoid eye strain and make it easier to mize this disadvantage, don’t move at all. Merriman Street, Rochester, New York COPYRIGHT ©2020 ROCHESTER ZEN CENTER keep the eyes open, don’t place the chair Important for all, this advice is crucial for THE VIEWS EXPRESSED INZEN BOW ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL —Michael Oakeshott,Notebooks, 1922–86 too close or too far from the wall—your those in a chair. Any movement will am- CONTRIBUTORS ALONE AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE face should be about as far from the wall or plify thought activity; the body and mind VIEWS OF THE ROCHESTER ZEN CENTER, ITS DIRECTORS, ITS

PHOTO CREDIT divider as it would be if sitting on a mat. are not two.—Larry McSpadden A publication of the Rochester Zen Center TRUSTEES, ITS MEMBERS, OR ITS STAFF. ■

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TERMINTENSIVES can’t count the number of times when sit- cook, just walk, etc. It all helped, and yet more alive. �is is the combined result of Is Zen a religion? My whole family is Jewish (or Christian/ FROMADISTANCE ting was the last thing I wanted to do, but these didn’t spark what I seemed to crave. having to sit more each day, knowing that Muslim/whatever) and I don’t know what to tell them. EARLY RETIREMENT came suddenly, with feeling responsible to others, I entered the Then one day that spark did ignite in the I’ll be reporting in to Roshi and reading no time to prepare. As I emerged from and, once again, discovered it was guise of an email announcing the next how other members struggle with You can make a dogma or concepts. Rather, Zen is a prac- four decades structured largely around the best possible place for me to be. Term Intensive. At first I thought it just an- the very same issues. Q good case for tice to help us see into the nature of real- career into wide-open possibility, the one In 1980, Alan’s career took us home to other Rochester-specific activity—some- Second, I’ve learned that there are “yes” or for “no.” ity and confirm for ourselves that there is and only thing I was certain I wanted to Tennessee—with no Buddhist group of thing to ignore. However, Alan had read it times it’s okay to reach out to Roshi or Here’s the case no separate self. do was resume my long-dormant Bud- any type within 100 miles of us. �anks more carefully and said out-of-towners other senior staff members. I have a life- for no: If you un- And that leads us to the case for yes:The dhist practice. to the affiliates, my faith had grown and could participate too. When I heard it in- long pattern of not wanting to bother derstand religion direct experience of awakening shows us My husband, Alan, and I first discov- so we made it work, just the two of us sit- cluded emailing Roshi, I was all in. other people—particularly if I know �Ain the usual way—that it’s a shared set of the truth that lies at the heart of all true ered Zen in Ann Arbor at a workshop run ting—that is until we became parents. For those unfamiliar with the Term In- they’re busy. �is ice broke, though, while beliefs about the nature of reality that in- religion. Meister Eckhart, the Christian by Philip Kapleau in the early 1970s. Full-time careers, one baby, then another, tensive (TI) program, it happens twice filling out theTI form for the first time. cludes God, above us or separate from us mystic of the Middle Ages, said this: “The Roshi Kapleau was clearly the real deal— and our desperate need for sleep took yearly, covering a period of three to five Reading the list of possibilities, some an- in any way—then Zen is not a religion. eye with which I see God is the same with not one of the many dubious gurus that precedence. Eventually practice became a weeks. You pledge in writing to extend cient buttons were pushed and I was in a �e three most famous words in Zen are which God sees me. My eye and God’s eye flocked to hippie enclaves during that era. distant memory. your practice in various ways, particularly panic about what to do. I was embarrassed ’s “I don’t know.” �e truth is one eye.” To see with that one eye is the However, the affiliate groups of the Once in a while I’d think back, wist- by increasing time on the mat. �en, once to be in a state over something as simple of Zen has nothing to do with beliefs or business of Zen.—JOHN PULLEYN Center became my bedrock—first in Ann fully, and half-heartedly try to reignite a week you check in, either in person or, if as a form, but, with patience and under- Arbor and later in Boston. I’ve no doubt I practice on my own. With retirement, far away, via an email to Roshi and the standing, John (then Head of Zendo) would have left Zen were it not for them. though, all excuses fell happily away, and Head of Zendo. Over the next few days, called and talked me through it. Between the oatmeal burned onto a pot; protect our shared aspirations and struggles, and �eir dedication and kind spirits reas- eventually I found my way back to the you receive an email summary of every- the lines, I learned that you don’t have to those precious fingers from the sharp neutralizing the 800-mile gap. I love read- sured me that this was indeed the path for Zen Center—once again seeking the guid- one else’s efforts, plus out-of-towners of- wait until things are dire to speak with knife; and smile at the wonder of it all. ing the weekly reports—imagining Jack me. Moreover, just as I depended on ance and inspiration of others. ten get an email back from Roshi. someone senior at the Center. Fourth,TI s can true my practice. In walking under doorways, Keith and oth- them, so too they came to depend on me. Almost immediately, I started going to aside,TI s have become my fa- �ird, TIs are an exercise in learning particular, some years back I discovered ers cutting back on news consumption, a Our numbers were small enough that even sesshin, which, of course, was an enormous vorite Zen Center activity. Here’s why. about myself and my practice, requiring thatmetta (loving-kindness) and other sister not “catching shame” for the sturdiest Zen students drew from the boost to practice. However, after returning First, they make my daily practice an honest assessment of what’s most compassion techniques could open my missing some commitments, Loretta es- encouragement of having others there. home to Nashville, practice was often a needed and what’s possible. Not only that, heart, prying me out of self–other pain chewing her car radio, Phil listening to �is brought me to the mat many days slog. I’d give myself pep talks, read books, it can be fun dreaming up activities likely ▼ A line of prayer flags in the Himalayas. into places of understanding I’d never Joseph Goldstein, Martha working on that I would otherwise have skipped. I listen to podcasts, remind myself to just to boost practice. Its open-endedness Photograph by Dr. Gaylinn Greenwood imagined possible. When I first returned meal chants, Joanne practicing metta, makes it a surprisingly flexible tool you to Zen, however, I stopped doing them, and so on. �ey’re all just like me. can use from wherever you find yourself. since they were practices I had learned Roshi often says that if you can only For example, I frequently yearn to from and Vipassana Buddhist do daily practice or sesshin, but not both, “just cook.” So, I made “Zen cooking at teachers. But then I discovered it works make it daily practice. Perhaps this is why least 30 minutes per day” aTI commit- well to do them as part of TI. In particu- TIs have become my favorite. �ey’re all ment—not just randomly remembering lar, I can check in with Roshi and be sure about daily practice—discovering ways to this possibility, but making it a front-and- what I’m doing is truly complementary strengthen and inspire this most crucial center commitment when entering the to zazen. aspect of walking the Buddha’s path. And kitchen: love that aging sweet potato into Last, but far from least,TI s connect me you can do them from anywhere.—Anna something yummy; blamelessly scrub off to people I know, giving me glimpses into Belle Leiserson■

THEMASQUERADE thing as pure motivation. I’m saying that Coca-Cola; now you’ve grown older and OFCHARITY ordinarily everything we do is in our self- you appreciate chilled beer on a hot day. CHARITY IS REALLY self-interest mas- interest. Everything. When you do some- You’ve got better tastes now. When you querading under the form of altruism.[…] thing for the love of Christ, is that were a child, you loved chocolates; now �ere are two types of selfishness. �e selfishness? Yes. When you’re doing you’re older, you enjoy a symphony, you first type is the one where I give myself something for the love of anybody, it’s in enjoy a poem. You’ve got better tastes. the pleasure of pleasing myself. �at’s your self-interest.[...] But you’re getting your pleasure all the what we generally call self-centeredness. I said there were two types of selfish- same, except now it’s in the pleasure of �e second is when I give myself the plea- ness; maybe I should have said three. pleasing others. sure of pleasing others. �at would be a First, when I do something, or rather, �en you’ve got the third type, which more refined kind of selfishness. when I give myself the pleasure of pleas- is the worst: when you do something The first one is very obvious, the second ing myself; second, when I give myself good so that you won’t get a bad feeling. one is hidden, very hidden, and for that the pleasure of pleasing others. Don’t It doesn’t give you a good feeling to do it; reason more dangerous, because we get to take pride in that. Don’t think you’re a it gives you a bad feeling to do it. You feel that we’re really great. But maybe great person. You’re a very ordinary per- hate it. You’re making loving sacrifices we’re not all that great after all. You son, but you’ve got refined tastes. Your but you’re grumbling. Ha! How little you protest when I say that. That’s great! [...] taste is good, not the quality of your spir- know of yourself if you think you don’t do I’m not saying that there’s no such ituality. When you were a child, you liked thingsthisway.▶

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If I had a dollar for every time I did the lesser of the two evils and I say, “OK, next morning at breakfast (because I’m ACCEPTANCEISTHEANSWER things that gave me a bad feeling, I’d be a come on in.” I’m going to be happy when feeling I was so rude) I go up to him and WHEN I AM disturbed, it is because I find NIGHTPRACTICE millionaire by now. You know how it goes. this thing is over and I’ll be able to take say, “How’s life?” And he answers, “Pretty some person, place, thing, or situation— “Could I meet you tonight, Father?” “Yes, my smile off, but I start the session with good.” And he adds, “You know, what you some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, I come on in!” I don’t want to meet him him: “How are you?” “Wonderful,” he said to me last night was a real help. Can I and I can find no serenity until I accept will and I hate meeting him. I want to watch says, and he goes on and on about how he meet you today, after lunch?” Oh God! that person, place, thing, or situation as be- remember that TV show tonight, but how do I say loves that workshop, and I’m thinking, �at’s the worst kind of charity, when ing exactly the way it is supposed to be at with my breath no to him? I don’t have the guts to say no. “Oh, God, when is he going to come to the you’re doing something so you won’t get a this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, to make a mountain, “Come on in,” and I’m thinking, “Oh, God, point?” Finally he comes to the point, and bad feeling. You don’t have the guts to say happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I with my sucked-in breath I’ve got to put up with this pain.” I metaphorically slam him against the you want to be left alone. You want people could accept my alcoholism, I could not a valley, with my pushed-out It doesn’t give me a good feeling to wall and say, “Well, any fool could solve to think you’re a good priest!—Anthony stay sober; unless I accept life completely breath a mountain. I will make meet with him and it doesn’t give me a that problem,” and I send him out. de Mello, in Awareness: The Perils and Op- on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to a valley wider than the whisper, I good feeling to say no to him, so I choose “Whew! Got rid of him,” I say. And the portunities of Reality ■ concentrate not so much on what needs to will make a higher mountain than the cry; be changed in the world as on what needs will with my will breathe a mountain, I will to be changed in me and in my attitudes. with my will breathe a valley. I will push out upaya \ü·'pä·(y)ə\n [Sanskritupāya , wisdom still have the common wisdom (which is why we ask people not to share Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a a mountain, suck in a valley, deeper than the shout ‘pedagogy’]1: skillful means or method, picked up through life experience. Which with others what is said in dokusan). Such stage, and all the men and women merely YOU MUST DIE, harder, heavier, sharper a mountain than skill in expounding the Buddha’s teach- leaves us with the same task he faced: using is the Law of Dependent Co-arising, a cen- players.” He forgot to mention that I was the truth YOUMUSTDIE. I will remember. My breath will ing2: the ability to guide beings to lib- ittohelpothersasbestwecan.Todoso tral feature of Buddhist doctrine: it is not the chief critic. I was always able to see make a mountain. My will will remember to will. I, suck- eration through skillful means skillfully often involves timing, employed this or that, butthis (particular person) in the flaw in every person, every situation. ing, pushing, I will breathe a valley, I will breathe a mountain. strategically (one translation of upaya is mutual correspondence withthat (particu- And I was always glad to point it out, be- SKILLFUL MEANS REFERS to the “how” of “stratagem”). In parenting, this often plays lar person). Everything is relational. Noth- cause I knew you wanted perfection, just —MAY SWENSON, fromTo Mix with Time (1963) helping. First comes the intention to help, out as knowing when to hold and when to ing stands apart from every other thing. as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught and then there are any number of ways to go fold. In coaching, instructing, and Zen And how is presenting Zen at the same me that there is a bit of good in the worst plain about me or about you, I am com- about it. In more exalted terms, it is de- training, how soon in the process do you time easier than instructing, teaching, or ▼ The Erie Canal in early afternoon during a of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; plaining about God’s handiwork. I am say- scribed as the actions a takes on make corrections? Too soon can be dispirit- guiding in other fields? Because in essence light snowfall, March 13, 2018.Photograph that we are all children of God and we ing that I know better than God.—from behalf of all sentient beings. In teaching, ing, too late will give bad habits time to set. there is nothing to it. Without dogma or by Susanna Rose each have a right to be here. When I com- The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous parenting, or coaching, we draw from our ex- The Hall of Fame baseball manager Tommy any principles that stand on their own, we ■ perience, as well as from our understanding Lasorda was describing skillful means when are free to respond as called for to any given of the person, the circumstances, and the oc- he said, “Managing is like holding a dove in individual at that time. Again, all that mat- casion, to try to reach our charges effectively. your hand. Squeeze too hard and you kill it; ters is what’s practical. Zen is a practice. In , skillful means is one of the not hard enough and it flies away.” This re- In presenting Zen to groups rather than two essential components of the Way, along flects one dictionary definition of manipu- one-on-one, choosing words is trickier be- with wisdom. These have been likened to late: “to work, operate, or treat... with the cause you can’t tailor them to any one indi- thetwowingsofabird.Wisdominandof hand or hands; handle or use, especially vidual. As a result, some in the group may itself is of no use, devoid of force or power with skill.” Manipulative, however, often become confused. After one of the monitors (“virtue” in Chinese terms). Action without suggests using people “for one’s own pur- or I have given a short talk in the zendo wisdom behind it is deficient or worse. poses or profit”—the very opposite of Bud- when there is no chance for questions, some Goethe said, “There is nothing more fright- dhism’s skillful means. people will come to their next dokusan vexed ful than ignorance in action.” Probably the most obvious way to em- with a question, leaving me to either explain Transcendent wisdom (prajna)isthat ploy skillful means is through words. This is what I meant or urge them to drop it and which comes from having seen into the non- challenging enough for parents, coaches, just keep sitting. Roshi Kapleau would often substantiality of the world—the formless- teachers, and mentors, who learn that they cite the way: “Never explain.” ness of form. This is the essential experience can be most effective by finding the right But a succinct explanation sometimes will of the Dharma, realized by the Buddha words at the right time—and knowing enable an American (especially one new to while sitting cross-legged under the Bodhi when to remain silent. In presenting Zen, Zen) to more quickly get back to the business tree. For him this wisdom began function- the job is both easier and harder. Harder be- of no-thought, no-reason. ing when he stood up and walked to Deer cause ultimately there is no dogma to hang Perhaps the ultimate in skillful means, Park, where he employed skillful means in onto, no hard and fast answers. Right and in any type of teaching or guidance, is sim- the form of the . Essence wrong are beside the point in sharing our ply embodying what we’ve learned—be- and function are just words referring to the Zen experience; all that counts is effect, and coming an example of it. We can call it two sides of reality, and these two are actu- that depends on not only the time and situ- upaya paramita—no subject–object di- alized as wisdom and skillful means. ation but the listener. Words that are help- chotomy. No means, all end. Or vice- Those of us without the Buddha’s prajna ful to Jennifer may misfire with Jason versa.—Roshi Bodhin Kjolhede

6 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 7 CAN C E R KOANS A frozen tree blossoms

BEING � TIME “TIME IS SO interesting to me now that I have so little of it,” writes Haruki, a young kami- kaze pilot-in-training in Ruth Ozeki’s novel A Tale for the Time Being. He continues: “Both life and death manifest in every moment of exis- ment in a novel full of insights, and, in particu- tence. Our human body appears and disappears lar, Zen insights. Ozeki is a Zen priest and the moment by moment, without cease, and this entire novel can be read as a Zen Buddhist alle- ceaseless arising and passing away is what we ex- gory that explores time, existence, life and perience as time and being. They are not sepa- death, suicide, zazen, Buddha-nature, enlight- rate.” Haruki’s account is based on letters and enment, and much more. journal entries from actual kamikaze pilots, I discovered this novel while the thought of TEXT BY Mark Tursi many of whom were only 18 years old and forced my own death was dangling above me like the CYANOTYPE BY Anna Atkins

SPENCER COLLECTION, THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY into these suicide missions. It’s an insightful mo- sword of Damocles; that is, shortly after I be-

8 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 9 gan the most difficult treatment for StageIV present. There was one specific moment when from our common humanity, keeping THE PATH TO CANCER head-and-neck cancer. audience members—largely from the Sangha, I them at such a distance from the deaths What I thought was a painful canker sore that A cancer diagnosis is devastating. You’ve heard believe—audibly gasped. It was not, interest- of others that they cannot grieve or wouldn’t go away turned out to be a malignant this before. You’ve also probably read at least one ingly, at the moment of Nesbitt’s diagnosis or the mourn except in the culturally prescribed tumor. The first surgery meant removing one- cancer survivor’s account of his or her struggle wrenching despair he exhibits; but, rather, it was “way.” [page 34] third of my tongue. The post-surgery pain was and ultimate triumph. �is burgeoning genre of when he mindlessly squashes a spider crawling stunning. I dealt with it through the use of opi- cancer-survival literature most often involves on the doctor’s desk. In the discussion immedi- It was cancer that made me see my own mor- ates and simply carried on. �e surgery seemed someone’s heroic journey and admirable survival ately following the film, several members of the tality with painful clarity, acuity, and certainty. a success, and I lived cancer-free for 11 months. “against all odds.” For practitioners of Zen, we audience mentioned the troubling irony of this To see it—and feel it—up close, everywhere in But cancer doesn’t give up so easily. (This is might add another component: finding strength gesture: nearing his own moment of death, one my body. Why hadn’t I seen it before? �is pro- another part of the rhetoric around cancer that and in the Dharma, the Sangha, the Bud- might think he’d be more acutely aware of other found change in my body had an equally pro- can be so troubling. When is one, after all, a dha, and finding sanctuary in zazen and daily living creatures and acquire a desire to sustain found change in my mind: I could not pacify my “cancer survivor” if the disease can return again practice. My story is not that. life, however small. But, alas, this is not the case. mind, and I could not find refuge in meditation. and again?) When it did return, it did so with a One thing that was not mentioned in the Despite all my efforts, my failing body was too vengeance. A disease, of course, does not have a CANCER � CATHARSIS discussion—perhaps because it is so obvious— much to reckon with. Zen, it seemed, had failed will or consciousness—it can’t take revenge— When Roshi Kjolhede gently suggested I consider was the symbolism of the fragility of life itself: me. No, I had failed myself. �is is, at least, what but how easy it is to anthropomorphize cancer, writing about my experience with cancer forZen i.e., how easily the life of any sentient being is I felt at the moment. And it stung. especially when it is actually your own body Bow, I immediately agreed—then regretted it. extinguished. But there is a deeper symbolic The treatment itself—two surgeries, im- that is creating so much destruction. There’s a Some people find talking about their battle with meaning—the metaphor within the symbol— munotherapy, and radiation—turned out to be a deep paradox here: anthropomorphizing is in- cancer to be cathartic in some way. In my least which is how our perception of life itself, of our stunning assault on my body. It far outweighed tended to provide a sense of safety—humaniz- compassionate moments, I call this “disease living as beings in this world, is so easily de- the pain and suffering wrought by the disease it- ing the inhuman, but, in this case, it is the porn,” as it seems to be the inverse of the Bud- stroyed. In other words, how simple it is to self. �e irony of this is hard to reckon with. One opposite. It demonizes the self, or, perhaps dhist notion ofmudita (pleasure that comes from smash our will, our hope, our strength. And of my many surgeons put it this way: “We’re go- more correctly, humanizes the demon. It delighting in other people’s well-being): in other how hard it can be to regain the joy of simply ing to have to make things really bad for you be- seemed as though there was no intruder, no in- words, finding some kind of pleasure or catharsis being alive. This perhaps is my greatest take- fore they can get good again.” He was right. vader but me; it seemed I had done this to my- while wallowing in the fact of one’s own suffering. away from facing cancer: my own perception of It is difficult not to sound melodramatic here, self, so “blaming” added another layer of angst But, in my better moments, I realize that writing life and death shifted. �e certainty of death but the pain, suffering, and subsequent despair to the mix. about one’s experience with cancer can be trans- became palpable. The fact of death became in- were immense. I did my best to remember the �e cancer had grown and moved into other formative for the person who is ill and illuminat- stantly believable. And, correspondingly, what words of one of my favorite Zen masters, the parts of my mouth, including new areas of my ing for readers who might gain insight into seeing it means to be truly alive became a kind of cu- quirky and idiosyncratic Bankei Yōtaku: tongue, gums, and jawbone. Apparently, it was the struggle that results from intense physical riosity, a metaphysical puzzle of sorts. also working its way into my nervous system, suffering and the confrontation with one’s own Being born into this world and having a then who knows where next? My brain? So the mortality. So it is in this spirit—the hope that my IMMINENT DEATH body, we must expect to meet with illness. next phase of treatment was shockingly invasive story might inspire, in some small way, a bit of in- We all know that we’re going to die. I’m going to But when you conclusively realize the and involved surgery to remove more of my sight, awareness, courage, or strength to someone die, and everyone I know and love is going to Unborn Buddha Mind, you don’t distress tongue as well as an entire section of my jaw. In else—that I write this narrative now. die. Writing this thought, at this very moment, yourself over the sufferings of illness: you order to reconstruct the jaw, they would have to I am a new member of the Rochester Zen Cen- puts a lump in my throat. Morbid? Perhaps. clearly distinguish illness as illness, suffering remove the entire fibula in my left leg to use the ter, though I have been practicing Zen intermit- True? Indeed. But it is a truism that we tend to as suffering.[...] Since the Buddha Mind is bones from my own body in hope that I wouldn’t tently for around 20 years. In a recent visit to the deny, forget, or push aside. It seems we never endowed with a marvelously illuminating reject it, as well as harvest arteries from other Center this past spring, I was able to attend want to discuss it until it is imminent—until dynamic function, not only illness but ev‐ areas of my leg and neck. Could I do without my “Movies & Dharma: A Zen Perspective at the Visual we ourselves or someone we love is stricken erything there is can be clearly recognized entire fibula? Removing it saved my jaw but also Studies Workshop,” where one of the short films with a fatal illness or involved in a horrible acci- and distinguished. That’s why, when you’re meant undergoing physical therapy to be able to screened was the 1978 animated film Why Me? by dent. In The Zen of Living and Dying, Roshi faced with the sufferings of illness, if you walk again. Janet Perlman and Derek Lamb. This one struck a Kapleau quotes from James Farrell’sInventing simply don’t get involved with them or at‐ Yet this was minor compared to the therapy chord. The film portrays the realizations and un- the American Way of Death, 1830–1920: tach to them, there’s nothing you won’t be and training I would need to simply speak, raveling of a man who is told he has only five min- able to endure. So just go with the illness, drink, and eat again. To this day, my speech is utes to live. With breakneck speed, the main Keeping death out of mind cuts people and, if you’re in pain, go ahead and groan! slurred and I am able to eat only soft foods and character, Nesbitt Spoon, experiences the entire off from an important fact of their phys‐ But, whether you’re sick or you’re not, drink liquids. I have also lost about 50% of my gamut of emotions: helplessness and grief, angst ical, mental, and spiritual existence. If always abide in the Unborn Buddha Mind. ability to taste. Eating is generally an unpleasant and despair, anger and fury, and, then, ultimately, knowing that we will die is part of what [Location 1152] and, at times, painful experience and will proba- MARK TURSI teaches literature and the resolution to live as fully as possible in the few makes us human, then forgetting that we bly remain so for the rest of my life. writing at Marymount Manhattan College minutes he has left. It was a well-chosen piece and will die threatens our humanity. In the Abide in the Unborn Buddha Mind and endure. Leading up to the second surgery, I was rid- and New Jersey City University. His fourth book of poetry,The Uncanny really does speak to the insight Zen provides about same way, the denial of death in Indeed. So easy to say; so difficult to put into dled with anxiety, as I had an inkling of what to Valley, will be published later this fall. happiness and living fully and wholly in the American society also cuts people off practice. expect from the previous one. �is one would be

10 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 11 significantly more complex, and the recovery the idea of the “self” persisted and became in- RADIATION � POOR, My team of doctors at Memorial Sloane Ket- would prove much more difficult. Aside from a creasingly convoluted. �e great Swedish crime HOLE-DWELLINGDEVILS I turned this tering seemed to conclude that my body was be- fear of dying, the most anxiety-producing novelist Henning Mankell, who died of cancer a �ree months after the second surgery, just as I ginning to reject food. Since I had not been able thought was the anesthesia. I kept asking the few years ago, addressed this notion of self-iden- was beginning to recover, I began radiation into my to eat solid food or even drink liquids for so doctors where “I” went when they put me under. tity and cancer in his book Quicksand: What It treatment. Nuclear war had begun. This is pre- long, I was kept alive with a feeding tube. Unfor- “Nowhere,” they insisted, “you’re just out. You’re Means to Be a Human Being: cisely what it felt like: radiation was literally a own personal tunately, my body did not respond well to the unconscious. You won’t feel anything.” But I per- nuclear assault on the body, 40 days straight of “pure nutrition” formulas designed for use with sisted, “Where is my consciousness when I’m Now that I have cancer I understand that radiation treatment directed at my cancer and “cancer ”: feeding tubes. Consequently, I ate less and less. anesthetized?” (As it turned out, for more than feeling of being lost. I am in a labyrinth surrounding tissue. After a few days, my beard My stomach shrank and I began to lose weight at 12 hours.) “Where does my mind go this entire where there are no ways in or out. Being fell out in clumps, intense nausea set in, and I who is it an alarming pace. I had begun to reject the very time? Where am ‘I’ while you are sawing my stricken with a severe illness is to be lost began vomiting several times a day. �en the fa- nutrition I needed to survive. I lost 75 pounds in bones and cutting out the tumor and my flesh?” inside one’s own body. Something is tigue, weakness, disorientation, and, finally, that drags two months. I was dwindling. And perhaps the most bizarre and irrational happening over which you have no pain. After two weeks, I had so much radiation Often I would simply vomit everything I question I kept asking myself but did not vocal- control. in my body that I was told to avoid public spaces around this pumped into my stomach. It was violent and ize to anyone else was this: “How will I know if and was not permitted to fly on an airplane. I literally gut-wrenching. When I was able to I’m dead?” It is this lack of control that can feel so terri- couldn’t hold my own children or embrace my cancer-riddled, keep the formula down, I went into what the How does one answer such a question? It’s fying and overwhelming. I was clearly dis- wife for fear that I would contaminate them doctors deemed a “food coma.” It was pure confounding and somewhat different than the traught. When I raised these questions with my with radiation. Fortunately, this lasted only a radioactive emptiness, but not the emptiness one some- often-asked question, “What happens after I oncologists, they sent me to a psychiatrist. few weeks, but it felt interminable. times experiences in zazen; it was oblivion, but die?” It’s also rather absurd. There exists an Needless to say, he wasn’t equipped to answer Fatigue and weakness are inadequate words corpse? not even the oblivion of the quiet, sleepy, and added notion of agency and subjectivity outside these questions either. In fact, he seemed an- to describe what was happening in my body. It inattentive mind at rest. I essentially disap- of the self (yet the self) and another metaphysi- noyed by my persistence, then wrote me a pre- was a Sisyphean effort to simply get out of bed. I was using pearedafterIwasfed.Ifellintoadarkholeand cal layer regarding death and the question of the scription for anti-anxiety medication and sent When I moved it was as if through mud or deep simply put my head in my hands and sat immo- identity in relation to death. That is, a keen in- me on my way. In hindsight, I probably sand on a steep slope, or a thick soupy fog that this koan bile, unaware of everything happening around terest in the ability to know oneself in relation should’ve taken the meds, but I didn’t. I wanted made every gesture and every step tedious and me (exterior to myself) and inside (the interior to ultimate reality and the extent to which the more control of my thoughts and emotions, but forced—like trudging through air so humid it as a trick of my own mind). Where was I? I can’t say. For self (the ego) persists without the body and be- not via chemicals. I was already on too many opi- clings to your limbs like tight bungee cords. As- the first time ever I actually understood the ex- yond death. Does the “self” have knowledge ex- ates and other medications and the thought of cending a staircase was like mountain climbing of the mind. pression, “It felt like time had stopped.” What trinsic to that experience? In this, I am more drugs bothered me. Besides, my concerns above the treeline, where the air is thin and the was happening? Was I falling into the mirror? reminded of koan number 55 from theBlue Cliff didn’t seem physiological; I was asking deep trail is steep. A koan from Hsu Yun comes to Was I dying? Record, “Daowu Won’t Say”: metaphysical and existential questions about mind: But I found I had no intention of dying. Not consciousness, mind, and existence. yet, anyway. How did I know this and how did I One day, the Master Jianyuan Zhongxing So I tried more zazen. But it was so difficult to One hour and then another. gather the requisite strength? I don’t know. It’s followed Daowu to a devo‐ sit! �e anxiety was like a physical presence—a Inexorably march, step by step. too easy to say I gathered strength from my tee's family home to conduct a funeral heavy shadow attached with chains and indus- Whenever I meet you, we each smile. loved ones: a loving wife, two young daughters, service. Placing his hand on the coffin, trial glue that sank every thought into an abyss But who is it who drags your corpse around? mother, brother, sister, aunt, cousins, and the Master asked, “Alive? Dead?” and dragged me into the River Styx of apprehen- many friends who came from across the coun- Daowu answered, “I will not say dead or sion and trepidation. Cancer was like Marley’s At the time, I turned this into my own personal try—as far away as California, and Montana— alive.” The Master asked, “Why won't Ghost, howling in anguish and dragging chains “cancer koan”: who is it that drags around this to visit me and give me love, courage, and, per- you say?” Daowu answered, “I won't say! and ambushing me around every mental corner. cancer-riddled, radioactive corpse? I was using haps, many of them thought, to say goodbye. I won't say!” I tried turning these questions into a koan: this koan as a trick of the mind, and it led to Everyone tried to give me encouraging words: where am I, really? What is the “I” in me? I felt, more conceptualizing and more suffering! It’s “You have so much to live for.” “Stay strong.” Why won’t Daowu say? Is the corpse not a as they say, like I was losing my mind. But how clear I wasn’t “using” the koan in the right way. “Keep your head up.” But the deep, boundless corpse? Or is the corpse Jianyuan himself? Is it can I lose something I’ve never found? On and It was at this moment—in the midst of radia- love I have for my two girls, my wife, my family, me? Or is it all of us? Isn’t the question really: on my mind went. tion and this deep suffering—that I seemingly and my friends did not translate into strength am I dead or am I alive? Am I both or am I nei- When the day of my surgery came, I gathered entered a space that my wife and I began to refer and courage. In fact, I never understood this ther? I don’t know how to answer. Aren’t we all, the strength, somehow, and made it through. to as the abyss: a deep chasm that made me feel and I still don’t. Of course, I love my wife and always, already dying? But I think I realize that it When I returned to consciousness in post-op my like I was truly dying. I was in a deep, deep hole. kids.Ofcourse,Iwantedtolive.ButhowcouldI is the duality that is the delusion and it is the jaw was wired shut and my body was attached to Was I, like Hakuin, a poor hole-dwelling devil? take that love and turn it into strength? If I did very notion of “I” that is the challenge or the en- multiple machines: an intubator and ventilator Was the hole I was in very different from do this—if I transformed love into resolve, de- tanglement. It’s the same question I was asking in my trachea to help me breathe, IVs, catheter, Hakuin’s? Was it of my own devising? So much termination, or courage—it occurred on a very the oncologists: how do I know if I’m dead? How etc. I would remain in the hospital for a month. about cancer is about the betrayal of both the unconscious level. It seemed extrinsic or pe- do I know when I’m truly alive? It was a challenging month, but the surgery was mind and body: one’s own body destroying itself ripheral and not a willful, intentional act. Was it Before the second surgery, my struggle with not the greatest challenge I had to face. and one’s own mind thrown into despair. me who was doing this? If not, who?

12 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 13 ▷ ROUNDTABLE: TRAVELING WHILE BUDDHIST

ZAZEN IS NOT ‘POSITIVE THINKING’ side of ourselves and see things “as they are,” Recently Scott Gemmell,a I travel about once a Because travel makes it ex- Like Barry, I tend to think A frozen tree blossoms This sounds or as uncolored as possible by our own member in Madison, WI wrote to month. I find doing zazen on ceedingly difficult, if not im- of travel as an opportunity to in the dead of winter. feelings and fantasies, to understand that the Zen Bow: the airplane to be great. Once possible, to maintain practice with uncertainty, and Rising autumn mist reveals an awful lot world is full of both danger and opportunity One thing I wrestle with is how to I get settled in and the plane structure, I think of “travel recently started calling my a collage of red and gold. —the chance of great happiness as well as deal with integrating practice into starts flying, I meditate. When practice” as an opportunity to trips “travel sesshins.” Some- like Zen the certainty of death. my day when I am traveling for I get to the destination I admit work differently—to be flexi- times with the long layovers, This is the “capping verse” from Dōgen’s True either business or pleasure. I travel to having difficulty finding ble, stay centered and in-the- multiple flights, delays, and Dharma Eye, Case 136: “Zhaozhou Asks About the to me: to see This sounds an awful lot like Zen to me: to see extensively and this is an area that I time, but getting up early and moment, while yielding to the time zone differences, it does Great Death.” The language is lyrical and beautiful things as they are. To experience it directly and really struggle with. Sometimes I doing chair sitting also works challenges of being on the seem quite an ordeal. How- and very much like a haiku. But for me, the con- things as not become attached to the disease, the treat- simply have to accept that I will for me. move. Along the way, there are ever, I’ve found that practicing tent is wishful thinking. I have yet to know or real- ment, the suffering, or any of it. Zen is the Middle have to make compromises. It ALICE PENTLAND plenty of opportunities to do on the plane, especially when ize the blossoming Dōgen describes, yet I remain they are. Way, of course. What draws me to Zen is its rigor would be interesting to me to hear Rochester, NY zazen: in an airplane seat or in I’m about to reach the destina- hopeful. Perhaps this haiku by Richard Wright and difficulty. It is “the work” itself. In Anna from Sangha members who travel airport lounges, particularly tion, creates a great sense of suits my mind more: To experience Karenina, Tolstoy writes: in any capacity how to juggle these This is a perspective of an during the inevitable delays. calm and prepares me for the things—maintaining a sitting prac‐ academic, so it may not apply (Unexpectedly long delays are arrival and the new time zone. What is precious is not the reward but the I am nobody: tice and eating a vegetarian or ve‐ to those who travel for busi- also a good opportunity for Sitting is always challeng- it directly work. And I wish you to understand that. If A red sinking autumn sun gan diet—a bit more elegantly ness. Typically, I'm asked what me to experience gratitude for ing when traveling but the ap- you work and study in order to get a re‐ Took my name away. than I have. my dietary needs are (a lot of the people who are doing their proach that works best for me and not ward, the work will seem hard to you; but Scott went on to mention the folks assume I eat kosher) and best to keep air travel safe.) is doing it first thing in the when you work, if you love the work, you This is the first of over 4,000 haiku written by Happy Cow app as very useful in are fine with providing vege- When out of town, and es- morning. I went through a become attached will find your reward in that. Richard Wright shortly before his death. Wright finding good places to eat, and his tarian. When asked where to pecially when I’m in another phase of packing inflatable is famous for his long books of prose—the novel to the disease, So this is where I am now: working hard at my email then spurred an online dis‐ eat I recommend Italian—I can time zone and out of synch cushions (they work great but Native Son and memoir Black Boy—and is one of practice, practicing hard at my work. Like Haruki cussion among Sangha members nearly always get a vegetarian with my local hosts, the best take space), incense supplies, the most important writers and spokespersons the treatment, in Ozeki’s novel, I am seeing the world, in some who travel frequently. marinara spaghetti or cheese time for more focused practice and mini Buddha statues for for Black Americans of the 20th century. Towards ways, for the first time. My eyes are more open pizza. I do not recommend a is generally early mornings or the trips, but now I just use the end of his life he explored Zen and, according the suffering, than they have ever been. This new seeing has not Idoabitof flying to Swe- ritzy vegetarian restaurant as late at night. pillows and towels as they to his daughter in the introduction to Haiku: The been more joyful or even more enlightened. I have den three or four times a year I’ve found the food rarely to be It’s so much easier now come with the room. Doing a Last Poetry of Richard Wright, he embarked on a or any of it. not experienced what the historian and philoso- plus flying to Canada in the worth the cost. than it was in the past to ob- few prostrations is a great way kind of “self-nurturing” through Zen and haiku. pher Jennifer Michael Hecht refers to as “post- summer and to Rochester I travel almost exclusively serve a vegetarian diet. Nowa- to end the meditation and get In her intelligent and thought-provoking book, traumatic bliss”—the idea that survivors of a once a year. by air and have a routine days, I rely almost exclusively ready for the day, and in the Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking is Undermining near-fatal experience are happier than others due Itrytodozazenonthe where I fall asleep before the on TripAdvisor and Yelp to evenings, I do a few minutes America, Barbara Ehrenreich investigates the toxic to a kind of “exquisite gratitude.” I don’t know why plane and sometimes it works plane takes off. When I wake find solid veggie restaurants of yoga and then sit down to impact of the positive-thinking movement on I never got this joyful jolt, but I didn’t. Suffering well but not always. I some- up I spend much of the time and am hardly ever disap- meditate. American culture generally, but with a specific fo- from the disease persists in all parts of my life, and times take my round cushion doing zazen in my seat. Espe- pointed. You can sometimes Another practice that grew cus on cancer. She goes so far as to suggest that I admittedly remain fearful of its return. with me. But the best thing cially for inter-continental use those same apps to find out of travel is based on the cancer patients are often blamed and chastised if If cancer does return somewhere else in my I’ve learned was to do zazen flights it helps tremendously! decent options at airports, es- fascinating fact that you they are not able to “put a happy face” on their ill- body,I like to think I will be ready for it. But I’m not while lying in bed. I wake up at Also, remember to take aspirin pecially in larger hubs. When might walk by or meet ness. She suggests that the wider culture pressures sure I am. When my death comes, I want to say I’m 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and consider compression I’m traveling through smaller strangers at airports who you people into “staying positive,” and if they don’t, ready to accept that too. But I’m not sure I can say and I do my practice lying in stockings on long flights to de- cities, unless I know for sure may never see again in your they are deemed responsible for their own declin- this either. I don’t feel particularly courageous or bed—really good for working crease chance of clots and pul- what restaurants are in the whole life, but with whom, in ing health. She argues that “the failure to think even resolved. I’ve been awfully angry and irritable on koans. I usually read the monary problems. airport, I’ll pack a couple of that moment, you are con- positively can weigh on a cancer patient like a sec- throughout this whole journey, as well as fearful koan before going to bed and In my room, I use pillows sandwiches ahead of time. nected. So often I will walk ond disease.” It’s a dangerous kind of pressure to and anxious. I am trying my best to experience my keep it in my mind. And plus folded towels for a cush- MostUS and international ho- around airports, bearing wit- just stay positive. She shows the way in which the life directly by doing more zazen and applying the whenever I wake up during ion.AsItendtogetupearlyin tels these days offer a break- ness to these special meetings “sugar-coating of cancer” comes at a dreadful cost same principles of Zen to every moment of my life. the night I pick it up again. the morning and take an early fast buffet that is usually a and providing my presence, a that, in its most profound incarnation, has become My Zen practice went from intermittent and spo- And it works very well. It’s en- morning nap at home and can- vegetarian bonanza: fruit, oat- smile, a conversation. �ere “a tool of political repression worldwide.” This radic for many years to what is now a deeply com- joyable to enter the world of not do this on the road, I tend meal, granola, yogurt, eggs, have been many special en- might seem hyperbolic at first glance, but I don’t mitted and very consistent practice. the koan at night! to sleep in an hour or so extra etc. Finally, as when backpack- counters, and I am deeply think so. Her arguments are sound and valid, and Does this mean I need to admit there is some- MAHER DARWAZEH and then do formal zazen be- ing, I always carry survival grateful for them. one of her most interesting conclusions is this: thing positive about my struggle with cancer? Vancouver, BC (Canada) fore breakfast meetings. food—dried fruit, nuts, pro- VALENTINA KUTYIFA That it is the cause of and impetus for a serious BRYAN ROTH tein bars, etc. Rochester, NY The alternative to both [the delusion of pos‐ Zen practice? I don’t know. Might I have arrived Durham, NC BARRY KEESAN itive thinking on one hand and despair and at this moment—where I am now, who I am Rochester, NY depression on the other] is to try to get out‐ now—without the disease? I can’t say. ///

14 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 15 And just as the little wordfire , when your house is ablaze, stirs and pierces the heavens more quickly, so does a little word of one syllable, when it’s not only spoken our thought, but secretly intended in the depths of the spirit. The depth is the height, for spiritually all is one, height and depth and depth, length and breadth. A small syllable of great power —fromThe Cloud of Unknowing, written by an unknown 14th-century monk or priest fully turn our attention to it and we realize that it means “does not have” or simply “not” or “no.” teachers in the Rinzai tradition of Zen started might interpret as negative or punishing. An- it is not just coming from a space within but ac- But if Mu is a secret, it is an open secret. to use so-called koan curricula for practice. When we other example is: “Why do you wander from tually from everywhere: it is in the depths and Mumon, the master who compiled theMu- These are systems of many koans that people this to that, stop searching for something— heights of oceans and the skies. After some monkan, once wrote the following verse: work with in various Zen traditions even now. have made just Mu!” We might hear it as an accusation, time, the shape of that sound becomes more In our tradition we more or less follow the even though it is just an energetic expression penetrating, like one clear syllable echoing from Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Harada–Yasutani koan curriculum. But the first the decision meant to inspire. within infinity. Mu! Mu! step in koan practice is always a wato like Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu! “(What is) Mu?” or “What (is it)?” Or “Who (am to pick up Zen practice can seem harsh and intense, at A student asked Joshu, “Does the dog have Mu! Mu! I)?” “Who (am I)?” is not originally from the least from what you read in books about tradi- Buddha-nature or not?” Joshu answered: “Mu.” Zen tradition, but it is a natural existential in- Mu, calling out tional Chinese and Japanese temple training. Mu turns up as the first case in a koan collec- In another version of the koan Joshu an- quiry that can be used as a wato. When a �e energetic expressions are easy to misunder- tion called the Mumonkan in Japanese andThe swered “Yes” instead of “No.” Zen teachers say teacher has determined that someone has Mu and stand, sometimes because the translations are Gateless Barrier in English. �e word koan means that Joshu’s answer, be it no or yes or neither- “opened to” Mu or another wato thoroughly not good enough, or because the cultural con- “precedential court case.” Koans are stories that yes-nor-no or both-yes-and-no, is “a direct pre- enough, the teacher will give them subsequent listening to Mu, text is misunderstood. Some translated expres- are often built on dialogues and when they are sentation.” �e great power of this small syllable koans to practice with. sions become more one-dimensional than they used in zazen the person who practices with comes from this alive directness. Its power there’s no were in the original language. When I met Japa- koans often works with the commentaries and comes from your engagement in this very mo- There’s a risk of becoming very goal-oriented nese people in Japan, I experienced that they verses that accompany them. According to some ment. �at it is a dog is not important; it could when we start practicing with watos, and some use getting integrate softness and sharpness in a subtle scholars, the first story about a dog and Buddha- be a crow, a worm, a cow, a tick, or anything else. of the traditional Zen teachings can sometimes way; it’s a culture where falling cherry blossoms nature appears in China over 1000 years ago. In Mumon’s verse for this koan in our version of become confirmations of our feeling of inade- entangled and swords meet, and it’s sometimes hard for us “Joshu’s Mu,” as in so many koans used in Zen the Mumonkan goes: quacy. We ask ourselves (and the teacher): I to really grasp the essence of that. We might see practice, there’s a dialogue between a less expe- don’t get it, so what is wrong with me? Why in questions contradictions where there are none, and when rienced Zen practitioner and a more experi- Dog, Buddha nature—the full presen- can’t I be successful in this practice? Growing up we encounter Zen and hear or read expressions enced Zen practitioner. tation of the whole; with a bit of “has” in a society that promotes personal success and “about” Mu. like “Be like an iron wall,” or “Cut off your delu- So what is this “Buddha-nature” that a dog or“hasnot,”bodyislost,lifeislost. the reaching of individual goals rather than see- sions with the sword of Mu,” we don’t know might or might not have? It is an expression for ing value in the process as a whole, people can- how to interpret them and they can make us the awake nature that is free from misconcep- When we have made the decision to pick up not help but approach practice with a mind set anxious in a negative way. My own experience is tions about a separate self, the always-present Mu, calling out Mu, and listening to Mu, there’s on success versus failure, and sometimes get that if you are already full of energy and have mind that we awaken to when we let go of the no use getting entangled in questions “about” very frustrated when it takes time to open up to reached a deeper level of concentration, strong notion of a solid and separate self. It is the un- Mu. �ey will just create new platforms that we the wato. Sitting with Mu, Who, or What will words as well as quite hard strikes from the hindered true nature of life itself, being itself, hang on to. It’s like any relationship: if you keep bring you face to face with existence itself, with kyosaku can work as an inspiration. But in which becomes naturally obvious to us when we creating too many questions (and answers) life, death, and . It is not about times of more sensitive mind states, they can be let go of knowing and not-knowing and enter about the person and the relationship in your goals, success, or failure, and that is a great chal- counterproductive. the mind of unknowing. Does a dog have that own mind, the actual relationship gets covered lenge but also great freedom. A wato like Mu will Compared to how it was when I started my nature? How could it not have that nature if it is up and the real person is pushed aside. If we carry you beyond all speculations, to a place Zen practice at the Rochester Zen Center in the unhindered and always present? Unknowing want to get to know someone or something inti- where there’s no use for small talk or niceties, mid-1980s, we do things differently and the ap- here doesn’t mean the opposite of common mately we need to encounter it directly. �en we where talent and smartness won’t help and proach is less intense. We use the kyosaku less, knowledge, intellectual or scientific knowledge. need to care deeply about it: being passionate where the ordinary way of approaching things and the fact that more people practice shikan- It is something else entirely: the mind that cuts about communicating and giving it our atten- doesn’t work. We must enter a world of unknow- taza now than before also affects the general at- through and swallows up both knowing and not- tion without letting our preconceptions stand in ing, which can be very disconcerting. mosphere. Maybe the way to express it is that knowing. When Mu becomes fully yours there’s the way. And when we acknowledge that real In some Asian cultures, in spiritual practice people’s practice is still intense, but it is a qui- no division between the one that calls and the knowing is a kind of passionate unknowing, our or education one uses shaming as a device to eter intensity, more like a glowing coals than a one that answers: you call Mu and Mu calls you. relationship will be a true one. motivate people. Someone said that in Tibet, blazing fire, and glowing coals do sometimes “Unknowing space” becomes visible and you ex- Traditionally in Chinese and Korean Zen, the for example, this works quite well because peo- catch fire and a blazing fire produces burning perience a great freedom, because even though most common way of practice with a koan was ple in general are very relaxed. But here, in our coals. What I want to say here is that it doesn’t things, feelings, thoughts, and everything else to take up a so called huatou,orwato in Japa- Western–Lutheran culture, there’s a condition- have to be either/or; sometimes it is one way comes and goes as usual, your experience now nese, which literally means something like ing coming from notions of sin and guilt so and sometimes another, but we do not aim for shows that the unhindered, unknowing space is “word head.” A wato is what is left when all un- that we react negatively when we hear such creating an intense atmosphere by pressure ROSHI KANJA ODLAND is a Dharma always present. necessary words are stripped away and nothing traditional Zen expressions as: “You are use- from the outside. Instead we try to let things Heir of Roshi Kjolhede and a teacher The late Robert Aitken-roshi calls Mu an ar- is there but “the fundamental cry of one sylla- less rice bags, good for nothing—just do it!” happen more naturally, even though some kind at Zenbuddhistiska Samfundet (Zen canum. This is a Latin word that means some- ble.” Mu is such a syllable, a core word, a funda- That style doesn’t work well in our culture of intensity is needed. Buddhist Society), which includes Zen centers in Sweden, Finland, Scotland, and thing like “secret of secrets” or a secret remedy. mental call that we can practice with early on because we take it too personally. What in �e Zen teacher James Ford writes that his Germany. In the everyday use of the word Mu in Japanese, but also for the rest of our lives. In Japan, Japan is called “words without flavor” we teacher told him, “Awakening is always an acci-

18 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 19 ▷ WORK IN PROCESS

The Chapin Mill Retreat Center courtyard dent,” and says himself: “If awakening is an ac- creak and with time I realized it actually had a now features an inspiring centerpiece! On Oc‐ cident, a wato can make us more accident- diving board built into it. tober 28, two lotus-themed sculptures were prone.” installed with the help of a massive crane and Lastly, I will give you my own comments on crew of contractors. The crane operator lifted Zen practice is not about achievement, but the first seven sentences of Zen Master Mumon’s each sculpture over the Retreat Center roof rather about losing or letting go. �is can some- comment on Joshu’s Mu in theMumonkan : and gently lowered it into the courtyard, while times become a tricky contradiction: we are told other workers guided it into position. that there’s nothing to achieve, but at the same For the practice of Zen it is imperative One of the sculptures is concave and will time it is said that we must pass through a wato that you pass through the barrier set up contain a reflective pool once the plumbing is to be able to work on subsequent koans. by the Ancestral Teachers. completed next year. The other is a lotus blos‐ Here we have to develop trust in ourselves, som rising up. The concave pool is the negative the practice, and the guidance from our teach- Can you see that it is a diving board? �en use it! space to the positive form of the convex ers. It might seem like there’s one set way of sculpture, conveying the oneness of emptiness moving through practice, but it isn’t so. And For subtle realization it is of the utmost and form. In Buddhism, the lotus flower rising practice isn’t a quick-fix but a lifelong relation- importance that you cut off the mind road. out of the muddy water symbolizes the purity ship. It can be difficult when other people seem of our enlightened mind arising out of the to move much more quickly than us in practice, To dive, you have to jump off the diving board! suffering of samsara, while not separate from it. but it’s not helpful to question that with a With the support of a generous donor, the “Why?” because we will never know why, and that If you do not pass the barrier of the an- sculptures were designed specifically for the kind of question just becomes a hindrance. If we cestors, if you do not cut off the mind courtyard space by Todd McGrain (below,with play football on a field with others, our playing road, then you are a ghost clinging to Eyrl Kubicka during the installation), the same will not be meaningful if we focus on thinking bushes and grasses. artist who created the centerpiece for the about why others run faster or kick harder. On Founder’s Garden at Arnold Park andSitting Still the surface of things, it seems like the best way If you do not use the diving board to jump, it is on the eastern bank of Chapin Pond. Todd’s is to be fast or kick hard, but this is a superficial useless. other projects include two documentary films, way of looking at it, especially when it comes to The Lost Bird Project (2012), which is based on his spiritual practice or other areas of life that go be- What is the barrier of the Ancestral multinational sculpture installation in memory yond common rules. Teachers? It is just this one word Mu— of extinct birds, andElephant Path/Njaia Njoku But to develop fully we always need to do it the one barrier of our faith. (2018), which documents the plight of elephants thoroughly, deeply, and passionately. If we just in Central Africa due to civil war and poaching. do a little bit of practice now and then, or do it Oh Mu, oh Mu, oh Mu. without real engagement, it won’t transform us in any significant way. Everyone’s practice– We call it the Gateless Barrier of the process in Zen is a mixture of effort and flow, Zen tradition. and for some the effort comes first and the flow later, for some the flow comes first and It is here, now, in the midst of our life. the effort later, and for some it seems like it’s a lotofeffortforaverylongtimeandthere’snot When you pass through this barrier, you much flow. And mixed in with effort and flow will not only interview Joshu inti- are periods where not much at all goes on, mately. You will walk hand in hand when everything is very ordinary, but the with all the Ancestral Teachers in the thing is to stick with it whatever goes on. Peo- successive generations of our — ple are different, depending on many factors— the hair of your eyebrows entangled call it karma if you like, or bio-psycho-social with theirs, seeing with the same eyes, conditioning, or maybe a combination. Our hearing with the same ears. conditioning is what brought us face to face with Mu or other practices. For me personally, Hello, my name is Joshu and all I have to say is Mu! the encounter with my first wato, Who?, was crucial. Even though the breath practice I did Won’t that be fulfilling? Is there anyone for two years before I picked up Who had a who would not want to pass this bar- ▲ Incoming! A crane lifted the sculptures into the courtyard of the retreat center, where they were low‐ deep impact on my life, that small syllable rier? ered slowly, with many micro-adjustments, into place. shocked me in a fundamental way. The plat- form I was living from started to shiver and Splash! ///

20 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 21 ▷ SIGHTINGS Winter2 020 Sightings baby as the bath water drains ◀ After sesshin: Rochester, Sweden, away. �e five talks were: Scotland—Is it the same? Is it “Ferocious Self-Cultivation: Lay different? Zen in Early 20th Century IN PRINT stories and case histories help Department of Religious Stud- Japan,” by Rebecca Mendel- who helped to smooth the way, The book: The Art of Dying keep the book engaging, as ies, where her mentor, Profes- son, Ph.D. Candidate, Duke as well as plenty of people who Well: A Practical Guide to well as illustrating the tasks sor Richard Jaffe, was University could bring a real beginner’s a Good End of Life by Katy that need to be attended to at assembling a leading collection “Philip Kapleau’s American mind to sesshin. Once we got Butler ¶ What it’s about: each phase. Importantly, the of American Zen archival mate- Zen,” by Roshi Mitra started, it felt like we’d been do- This book lives up to its title. author repeatedly addresses rials. Rebecca put Roshi and Bishop, Dharma Heir of ing it for years. Even the occa-

The author has divided the fi- issues which pertain to friends the trustees in touch with Pro- Roshi Philip Kapleau and MARKUS STEIN sional mouse scratching around nal chapters of life into a series and family, making this a valu- fessor Jaffe. After an extended Founder, Mountain Gate- decade or so here in Glasgow seemed to have real promise. under the floorboards was little of phases, from vigorous old able resource for those sup- period to allow a volunteer Sanmoji Zen Center has been about providing an I called on a close friend and distraction. age to final breath. They porting the elderly. cadre of Roshi Kapleau’s stu- “�e Philip Kapleau Papers in opportunity for people in colleague from Germany, with After sesshin—once we had are: Resilience, Slowing Down, Because of the author’s dents to vet the collection for CHRIS PULLEYN Context,” by Professor Jeff Scotland to experience Zen whom I’ve sat many sesshins in scoured the surrounding hills ▲ The Philip Kapleau archive on dis‐ Adaptation, style and practical attention to privacy issues and to scan se- Wilson of Waterloo Univer- practice and training in the Sweden, and asked if he’d be in the darkness looking for the play in Duke’s Rubenstein Library. Awareness of what needs to be done at each lected items that the Center sity (Canada) same way that I have been for- head of zendo (and photogra- housekeeper’s young dog that Mortality, House stage of the dying process, the may want easy access to, the led off the event with a display “Yasutani’s Five Types of Zen tunate enough to experience pher—thanks Markus!). Fortu- had got lost—we finally got to of Cards, Prepar- reader finishes feeling empow- collection of 18 file boxes were of Roshi’s papers, beautifully and Keiho-Zenji,” by Peter it, both in Rochester and Swe- nately, we also had a Sangha light the open fire in the liv- ing for a Good ered. I once had a patient who delivered to Durham, NC, and refiled and sensibly catalogued Gregory, Emeritus Profes- den. Establishing a permanent member training at Zengarden. ing-room. And a chance to use Death, and Ac- told me, “Doc, I know that ev- entrusted to Duke Archivist by the archive team, and with sor, Smith College city center is key, of course, So Anna was sentenced (sorry, the piano. Always handy to tive Dying. Each eryone needs to die but I was Andy Armacost. a detailed explanation of how “Philip Kapleau: Planting Seeds providing the regular chance assigned) to run the kitchen. have a conservatory-trained chapter begins hoping that, in my case, we Professor Jaffe offered the they would be preserved. while Trailing Vines,” by to sit, teaching opportunities Together, we spent many hours pianist in the Sangha! with a brief description of the could make an exception.” Center a wonderful cap to the �e symposium featured Roshi Bodhin Kjolhede, like dokusan and teisho, and, planning the meals and putting What next? Well, regular phase, outlining the accompa- Well... no. But this book will transaction: a symposium at two of Rosh Kapleau’s Dharma Dharma Heir of Roshi importantly, Sangha. together a budget, training her Ardfern sesshins now have nying abilities and disabilities serve as a valuable guide, to be Duke to mark the collection’s heirs—Bodhin-roshi and Mi- Kapleau and Abbot, We’ve been running “city as tenzo (head cook), and try- their place in our schedule. And that commonly appear. This is used in conjunction with that availability to scholars, Zen tra Bishop-roshi—reflecting Rochester Zen Center sesshins” (non-residential ing out recipes on Zengarden it’s great to know that people followed by a to-do list that will most important way of pre- students, and others inter- on the man, his teaching and Rebecca’s lecture and slide pre- practice periods at the Zen residents. Steadily, things fell can get serious Zen practice help one maximize quality of paring for death: zazen.— ested in a glimpse into Roshi its roots in his Japanese sentation were especially fasci- center) for some time now. No into place. and training right here, with- life and independence as chal- GRANT SWANSON Kapleau’s life and thinking. A monastic and temple practice, nating, describing the Zen small thing, but not the same It’s difficult to describe how out needing to spend years lenges continue to accumulate. dozen or so of Roshi Kapleau’s and the huge project of Ameri- boom in early 20th century as the 24/7 experience that is a much work needs to happen traveling abroad. I think of it as Why it’s worthy: �ere has CELEBRATIONS students were able to make canization which he under- Japan which laid the ground- “real” residential sesshin, which just to get a bunch of people to a kind of long-overdue carbon been an increasing stream of Philip Kapleau the trip, and were joined by a took and which each of them work for Philip Kapleau’s being provides the chance to dive in sit still. But, finally, we made it offset for all my own flights books looking at death and dy- Symposium ¶ It took 15 number of Buddhist scholars has continued, all the while able to find entry and accep- and experience the mind in a to Ardfern, got the space set up, and travel over the years. ing since Roshi Kapleau pub- years since Roshi Kapleau’s and by Andy Armacost, who taking care to hold onto the tance into both monastic and different way. I’ve been think- rooms allocated, jobs sorted, But I guess there’s still one lishedThe Wheel of Death in death, but the wait was worth lay practice groups in Japan. ing about this for three or four and ceremonies rehearsed. thing that we lack here that 1972. [An updated version,The it. On this past October 11 and Without that, no Center, no us. years now, and—to be hon- Sesshin itself was six days, give Rochester and Sweden both Zen of Living and Dying,isstill 12, Duke University celebrated In a way, it was like visiting the est—I have been concerned or take. We had a number of have. Maybe we need to make in print.] More recently, we’ve the Center’s recent donation world into which one’s grand- about the work that a residen- people with experience of resi- the owner an offer he can’t seen a surge in the medical of Roshi Philip Kapleau’s col- parents were born and discover- tial sesshin would involve. dential training and sesshin refuse…—SENSEI KARL KALISKI specialty of palliative care lected papers to its archives ing how one’s own conception A couple of years ago, we with a focus on helping pa- with a symposium honoring was made possible.—TOM got a tip from another Bud- tients with serious illnesses the Roshi’s work and legacy. ROBERTS & MARY WOLFE dhist group based in Glasgow examine their personal values The story of how Roshi’s pa- TheURL for the archive is https: about a venue that could and chart their own course in pers found a home in North //asianpacific.duke.edu work. Ardfern is a small village the latter part of life. Carolina is both long and short. /events/philip-kapleau-papers- on the west coast of Scotland, What I most enjoyed about After years of lying fallow, prin- zen-buddhism-post-world-war- around 2½ hours from Glas- this book is the format. In ad- cipally in the Center’s attic and ii-japan-and-united-states. gow. It’s in a valley on a sea dition to the chapters examin- basement, they drew the atten- loch with views out towards ing each phase, an important tion of Rebecca Mendelson WORLDWIDE the Inner Hebrides. Off the section reviews the “trajecto- when she served on the Cen- First Scottish sesshin in beaten track, isolated, and

ries” of different illnesses ter’s resident staff. Rebecca CHRIS PULLEYN the Kapleau tradition with stunning views and walks along with appropriate coping eventually left staff to become ▲ Symposium speakers, left to right: Richard Jaffe, Peter Gregory, Roshi ¶ Everything that we’ve been in all directions (apart from strategies. Numerous personal a graduate student in the Duke Bodhin Kjolhede, Roshi Mitra Bishop, Rebecca Mendelson, Jeff Wilson. working towards over the past one of course!), Ardfern MARKUS STEIN

22 ZENBOW WINTER 2020 WINTER 2020 ZEN BOW 23 ROCHESTERZENCENTER NON-PROFIT 7 ARNOLD PARK ORGANIZATION ROCHESTER , NY 14607 U.S. POSTAGE Address service requested PAID PERMIT NO. 1925 ROCHESTER, NY

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JANUARY 1 FEBRUARY 13 MARCH 7 ▶ FEBRUARY CENTER CLOSED APPLICATION DEADLINE INTRODUCTORY 1 JANUARY 4–11 for February four-day WORKSHOP(Arnold ZCF SEVEN-DAY ROHATSU sesshin Park) SESSHIN with Roshi FEBRUARY 16 MARCH 15 (Chapin Mill) SANGHA MEETING 10:30 SANGHA MEETING 10:30 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 JANUARY 15 AM (Arnold Park) AM (Arnold Park) ZCU ZC ZC ZC ZC ZCF TEMPLE CLEANING 9:45 FEBRUARY 20 MARCH 21–28 Z BGPC ZT ZP AM–12:30PM (Arnold TERM INTENSIVE closing SEVEN-DAY SESSHIN Park) ceremony 7–9PM with Roshi (Chapin 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 JANUARY 16 (Arnold Park) Mill) ZC ZC ZC ZC ZC ZCF Z BGPC ZT ZP TERM INTENSIVE FEBRUARY 25–29 SESSHIN DEADLINE opening ceremony 7–9 FOUR-DAY SESSHIN with 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 PM (Arnold Park) John Pulleyn (Chapin Mill) ZCUS ZC ZDC ZC ZC ZCDF JANUARY 18 ZD BGPC ZDT ZP INTRODUCTORY FEBRUARY 27 WORKSHOP(Arnold APPLICATION DEADLINE 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 Park) for March seven-day ZC ZC ZDC ZC ZC ZCD JANUARY 19 sesshin ZD BH▶ ZD Z ◀H ALL-DAY SITTING 6:15 SESSHIN DEADLINE AM–3PM (Arnold Park) JANUARY 25 Schedulesubject toc hange. For the latestu pdates, please see www.rzc.org/calendar/ TEMPLE CLEANING 9:45 AM–12:30PM (Chapin M A.M. EVENT A ALL-DAY SITTING F FINDING YOUR SEAT E TEISHO Mill) M P.M. EVENT B BEGINNERS NIGHT G GROUP INSTRUCTION T TERM INTENSIVE JANUARY 26 ALL-DAY EVENT CHANTING SERVICE PRIVATE INSTRUCT. WORKSHOP M C P I SANGHA MEETING 10:30 SESSHIN DOKUSAN SANGHA MEETING YOUTH SUNDAY M D S U AM (Arnold Park) Y CENTER CLOSED K W SESSHIN Z FORMAL SITTING