How Do You Communicate? Verbals vs. Nonverbals

Staff Professional Development Day Styles

1. Assertive Standing up for your rights, without undue anxiety and without infringing on the rights of others. . Requiring RESPECT from others . Giving RESPECT to others . Don’t lose sleep over silly issues . Doesn’t mean you will win every battle but you won’t walk away saying “I wish I would have said something!”

Exhibit the following characteristics: . Express feelings, wants, or needs clearly (no beating around the bush) . Use “I” vs. “U” statements o “Why do you keep interrupting me?” ( U ) o “I get thrown off when I am interrupted because I lose my train of thought.” ( I ) . Listen without interrupting . Listen = Silent . Make good without glaring Be Clear, Concise and Nice Communication Styles 2.Aggressive Direct attack or assault to communicate emotions

Exhibit the following characteristics: . Often try to dominate others or the situation . Use humiliation to control people . Criticize, blame or attack others . Be very impulsive . Have low frustration tolerance . Speak in a loud, demanding or overbearing voice . Use “U” statements often accompanied by a pointing finger . Have piercing eye contact and an overbearing posture

“If you interrupt me one more time, I’m gonna scream!” Communication Styles

Aggressive communicators usually come at you with a very clear motive. Are they trying to intimidate?

Aggressive Postures: 1. Others have no rights… 2. My way or the highway… 3. Inappropriate or foul … • Behavior let go is rewarded, behavior rewarded is repeated. 4. In your face or in your space 5. Idle threats 6. Personal attacks Communication Styles

3. Passive Driven by an emotional response that primarily includes avoiding any type of confrontation. Usually very nice people often dealing with low self esteem, insecurities, or lack of self confidence.

Exhibit the following characteristics: . Fail to speak up for themselves . Allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights . Fail to express their feelings, needs or opinions . Speak softly or apologetically . Exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture

“Oh my gosh, did I interrupt you? I’m so sorry, please forgive me. I did not mean to interrupt. My apologies.” Communication Styles

Passive: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

REALITY CHECK: Assertive communicators know how to say what needs to be said AND how to say it nicely. Communication Styles

4.Passive-Aggressive Outwardly nice, inwardly hostile UNTIL they have brewed and stewed and worked themselves into “mad.” Then they show up and verbally attack people.

“Can you believe her? She is upset because I keep interrupting her. You just wait until she wants my help again!” Communication Styles

Passive Aggressive: . Mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue . Have difficulty acknowledging their . Use facial expressions that don’t match how they feel . Use sarcasm . Deny that there is a problem . Appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy . Use subtle sabotage to get even Engaging your Audience

1. Make eye contact (60%) Whether you are speaking or listening, looking into the eyes of the person with whom you are conversing can make the interaction more successful. Eye contact conveys interest and encourages your partner to be interested in you in return. . You only need 7 seconds. That’s all it takes for people to connect with you through eye contact—to engage with you, deem you trustworthy, and decide you’re worth getting to know. . Imagine a letter “T” on the listener’s face, with the crossbar being an imaginary line across the eyebrows and the vertical line coming down the center of the nose. Keep your eyes scanning that “T” zone. Eye Contact

• Eye contact produces a powerful, subconscious sense of connection that extends even to drawn or photographed eyes; a fact demonstrated by Researchers at Cornell University who manipulated the gaze of the cartoon rabbit on several Trix cereal boxes, asked a panel of adults to choose one, and discovered, as they expected, that the box most frequently chosen was the one on which the rabbit was looking directly at them, rather than away. • We reduce eye contact when we are talking about something shameful or embarrassing, when we are sad or depressed, and when we are accessing internal thoughts or emotions. Engaging your Audience

2. Use These include gestures with your hands and face. Make your whole body talk. Use smaller gestures for individuals and small groups. The gestures should get larger as the group increases in size. 3. Don’t send mixed messages Make your words, gestures, facial expressions and tone match. Disciplining someone while smiling sends a mixed message and is therefore ineffective. If you have to deliver a negative message, make your words, facial expressions and tone match the message. . We know through research on that when one’s body language is not congruent with your words then listeners of the message will lean towards believing the body language. Engaging Your Audience

1. Show confidence • You can’t expect people to believe you if you don’t believe yourself. When you speak, listeners will watch and listen for signs that you are confident about your message. Be sure everything about you shows confidence. 2. Signaling confidence • Make your voice strong and authoritative. • Avoid saying "um," "er," or "you know" again and again. • Avoid letting your voice rise at the end of a statement as if you are asking a question. • Avoid Hedging (using phrases such as “sort of,” “kind of,” or “it seems like” NonVerbals a.k.a. Body Language Outward reflection of your emotional condition

What are we really “saying?” Studies have shown that body language has 4x the impact on the impression you make more than anything you say… NonVerbals

Body language can’t hide your innermost feelings… in fact, in most cases, it reveals them. Establish a home-base position… . A comfortable, confident default position to prevent looking awkward or using unconscious, nervous movements. . Keeps you from sticking your hands in your pockets or crossing your arms for too long—making you look insecure or defensive. NonVerbals What are we really “saying?”

. John F. Kennedy has good posture and is looking straight ahead which displays confidence. Additionally, his ability to cross his legs and cup his hands in what many would consider a high-stress situation gives the perception that he can stay relaxed under pressure. . Nixon’s feet resemble a track runner’s as he/she is about to bolt from the block. He looks like he just wants to get away. Had Nixon put both feet parallel on the ground then he would have looked confident and grounded. . Unfortunately, Nixon’s biggest mistake was clutching a death-grip on the left arm of the chair, which gives off a perception that he is uncomfortable and perhaps nervous. With a quick glance, it looks like Nixon is holding a cane. What's Your Body Language Confidence Percentage? Mostly Column A

OVERCONFIDENT/ARROGANT . You may unconsciously be sending signals of arrogance. When you’re nervous about what others think of you, you tend to overcompensate. It is this overcompensation they may make you look overconfident and it puts others off. . You find it a challenge to acknowledge or come to terms with your own weaknesses, but you have no trouble pointing out others’.

Your Mantra: “It’s only arrogance if you’re wrong.” – Author Unknown

Your Success Killer: Impatience (You might not admit it, but you know it’s true) Mostly Column B

CONFIDENT . You’re a natural leader. You have the perfect mixture of poise and confidence. You accept responsibility for your actions by taking ownership of your life, you evaluate yourself realistically, and you humbly know that you have the power to influence situations. . You have the ability to command attention when necessary, but are flexible, empathetic, and build rapport with ease. You see life as a series of challenges and push yourself outside your comfort zone to get an edge on the next big thing. . People are happy to see you because you’re interesting and you’re a great listener. Your open and engaging posture and gestures makes you easy to be around others, and they don’t feel threatened or judged when they approach you. Your Mantra: “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.” – Peter T. Mcntyre Your Success Killer: When life throws you a curveball, it slightly chips away at your confidence level. Mostly Column C

ANXIOUS . You may be giving others the impression that you lack confidence in yourself, your position, or your company. You may be hiding behind the self-given label of “shy.” You often avoid situations where you fear you might be unsuccessful, humiliate yourself, or let yourself or others down. You think people are constantly judging you and sometimes you feel like you’re all alone.

Your Mantra: When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” – Stephen Wright

Your Success Killer: Negative self-talk. Divided between A, B, and C

SELF ASSURED/ALMOST ALWAYS CONFIDENT . On your way to being all that you can be. You just need to believe in yourself a bit more and understand that you are in control of your life. When you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up—instead, figure out what you can learn from that experience. And stop saying, “Not today, maybe next time” and start saying, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

Your Mantra: “Regardless of how you feel inside, always try to look like a winner. Even if you are behind, a sustained look of control and confidence can give you a mental edge that results in victory.” – Arthur Ashe

Your Success Killer: Giving up on yourself when the going gets tough. NonVerbals

Observing vs. Looking… . Looking is just “seeing" anything without any intention of using it later, when you walk down the street you see everything but you don't actually plan to do anything with that– it's an insignificant data for you and you'll forget about it eventually. . Observing is actually seeing something and taking the time to figure out what it's about. . Necessary to get all the little and sneaky non verbal cues that others display. Of course we prefer to do it automatically and efficiently, without really thinking too much about it. NonVerbals

. There's a little misconception when it comes to perception – we think we get the whole picture, while we can actually miss a lot of info going on.

. We know that non verbal cues are important (don't we?) but we ignore a lot of them, not because we choose to do so, but because we're simply not used to paying them much attention.

. Our brain knows how to do the job, we're not completely blind to it, but when it comes to the small details – we might slip. So the purpose of observation training is to consciously take control and record the details that we consider important. We want to expand our awareness and alert our brain to these details. NonVerbals

So How is it Done? Naturally, the mere interest in body language might help you become more aware to it, just like when you learn any other new info – it makes you suddenly aware to it almost anywhere in your life. But there is an even better observation training technique that found to be very effective – asking questions.

You see, when you order your brain: "be alert to body language now!" Your brain responds by: "Come again? What specifically do you want me to look for?“ By asking questions you direct your mind to look at details you'll otherwise miss. You can ask questions like:

. Posture - How does this person stands? Is he using open or closed body language? . What’s the look on his face? . What does he does with his hands? . What about his legs? . Does he make eye contact? NonVerbals

Train Yourself to Observe Automatically . The whole point of observation training is to help you notice and read body language more easily. If you train your brain to be more receptive and aware, you won't need to work hard to notice non verbal subtle cues. It will become your second nature to get them as soon as they surface. . Observation is a very useful tool if you know how to use it; it's also a component in many learning skills. Master the Belly Button Rule

Our belly button speaks volumes about what we think and feel, and especially where we do not want to be. The direction our belly button faces reflects our attitude and reveals our emotional state. The direction of the torso plays a key role in a person’s level of interest. Four key groups: 1. Approach (interest) 2. Withdrawal (disinterest) 3. Expansion (heightened interest and confidence) 4. Contraction (nervousness and slightly reduced interest) Master the Belly Button Rule To Learn The Truth Watch People’s Feet

. When people try to control their body language, they focus primarily on facial expressions, body postures, and hand/arm gestures. Since the legs and feet are left unrehearsed, they are also where the truth can most often be found. . Under stress, people will often display nervousness and anxiety through increased foot movements. Feet will fidget, shuffle, and wind around each other or around the furniture. Feet will stretch and curl to relieve tension, or even kick out in a miniaturized attempt to run away. . Studies show that observers have greater success judging a person’s real emotional state when they can see the entire body. . You may not know it, but instinctively you’ve been reacting to foot gestures all your life. Power Gestures

Power Gestures not only will help you read others, but also will help you project confidence, assuredness, and power when you're talking. 1.The Two-Handed Broadside Display (a.k.a. the Superman pose) . With hands resting on both hips, this positive posture sends the message that a person is ready to move forward. . It’s the classic sign of confidence. Power Gestures Power Gestures 2.The Full Frontal . When our three most vulnerable areas—the Adam's apple, belly button, and groin area—are confidently and boldly kept open, we call this powerful pose the “full frontal.” . If you see a person who keeps her hands at her sides or behind her back and maintains open body language during an entire interaction, you are looking at either a very confident person or a shy person that has learned to master her own body language. . This pose does 2 things: makes a person seem both approachable and confident. Power Gestures

3.The Power Steeple . Steepling one’s hands fingertip to fingertip is a great way for someone to indicate subconsciously that he’s knowledgeable and has everything figured out—a striking message of absolute belief and assuredness. . If overused, we’re likely to think of the person as a know-it-all . If you are aware that this means power, you will reflect those qualities— power, confidence and authority. Power Gestures

4.The Reverse Hand Steeple . The reverse hand steeple is similar to the hand steeple, but this gesture is used more often during listening, where the hand steeple is used more often during talking. The reverse hand steeple is used more often by women. Power Gestures 5. The Basketball Steeple . Added effect of seeming hopeful, likable, dedicated, and firm in your convictions.

. The most powerful steeple to get others to begin to agree with you and to believe in you. Power Gestures 6. Handgun Steeple

. Can be used almost as an exclamation point, putting emphasis on what you are saying or pointing out something with force . Also used to shoot down someone’s ideas . Seen as overbearing or too controlling Power Gestures

7. Palm-Up Gesture . It's a universal way of seeking cooperation. . You show you're trustworthy, honest and have nothing to hide. . It’s a very strong sign of sincerity that we subconsciously accept as credible. . 40% more retention rate of listeners 8. Palm-Down Gesture . Powerful for contradicting and invalidating others. . “Pay attention to me and what I have to say right now, or there will be consequences.” . Pushing away ideas, concerns, directions, or thoughts. . Using this gesture may cause emotions to escalate quickly. . 4x more power in the palm-down gesture because of the intent Which is your dominant position? Power Gestures

9. Pride Gesture This power pose, called "pride," is instinctive. Congenitally blind people do it when they're victorious in events, even when they've never seen it or been taught to do it. Low Power Gestures

In low power situations, meanwhile, when people or animals are feeling feeble and helpless, they close up.

They wrap themselves up and close themselves off from others. Low Power Gestures