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VOLUME XXXIX · NUMBER 1 · 2017

Ignoble, Noble Sangha by Roshi Bodhin Kjolhede 3 One World, One Sangha by Sahaya Jeevan 8 Becoming Sangha by Larry McSpadden 10 Breaking the Silence, Trusting in Sangha by Anonymous 14 Gratitude for Sangha by Vondell Petry 17

COPYRIGHT © 2017 ROCHESTER ZEN CENTER EDITOR : Donna Kowal ❖ IMAGE EDITOR : Tom Kowal

COVER : Gretchen Targee ❖ PROOFREADING : Chris Pulleyn ❖ John Pulleyn

The views expressed in Zen Bow are those of the individual contributors alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Rochester Zen Center, its members, or staff. Danne Eriksson Ignoble, Noble Sangha

roshi bodhin kjolhede It’s Sunday morning in late November, and with most of ’s 2,500 years this has meant the opening of Thanksgiving week people are the monastic order. Monks were ‘the sons of trickling into the zendo for our annual Cer- good family’—the Buddha’s family—and re- emony of Gratitude. The ceremony includes a ferred to as the ‘Noble (Arya) Sangha.’ They chance for participants to offer brief vocal state- were ‘homeless ones,’ which in early Buddhist ments of gratitude. Speaking in random order, India meant itinerants ; they were not to spend one-by-one they single out family members, more than one night in any single place. In the friends, teachers, co-workers, and fellow Sangha colder climates of China, Tibet, Korea, and Ja- members. It is possibly the most moving twen- pan, monks (and later nuns) gathered in monas- ty-minute gathering of the year, and by the time teries, but were ‘homeless’ inasmuch as they had everyone has had a chance to speak—when ‘the left their parents’ home and, in taking vows of popcorn has stopped popping’—our hearts have celibacy, foreclosed their own bloodline. grown intertwined. This is Sangha nourishing With the migration of Buddhism to the itself. Americas and Europe, ‘Sangha’ has changed The word ‘Sangha’ means, literally, in meaning in two ways. It has broadened to a community that joins and lives together. For include non-monastic practitioners, since here

3 there are virtually no true monks or nuns— full enlightenment, it seems, every one of us is no home leavers. Secondly, we’ve come to use stained by the three poisons—greed, hostility, ‘Sangha’ as a synonym for one’s own local con- and delusion. We all are susceptible to any of gregation, tacking ‘my’ or ‘our’ before the word. the many forms of greed, and at the top of that In using Sangha this way, we’ve self-centralized list are the Big Four singled out in the oldest the word, and shrunk what in Asia is an ex- : craving for money, for food, for pansive collective to one of personal reference. sex, and for sleep. In addition to those, we tend But it’s given us a distinctly Buddhist term for to grasp at all manner of things that promise ‘congregation,’ even as live-streaming of sittings, security (cars, clothes, pets, tools, furnishings, teishos, and other zendo events expands the gear) and experiences that offer a shot of do- term again. pamine—the pleasurable sensations of sports, Now, it isn’t enough to just have a Sangha. To music, travel, screen entertainment, shopping, enter the Way, we have to take refuge in Sangha states of tranquility and excitement (in just the as one of the Three Jewels that are our inheri- right balance), novelty and routine (in just the tance. What we translate as ‘refuge’ originally right balance), and pleasant states of meditation. meant ‘protection,’ so taking refuge in Sangha These desires are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ in them- implies going to the Sangha for protection from selves. But our attachment to them, and what suffering. This can sound a little like running we’ll do to gratify them, can cause suffering, for cover from the wider world. But instead it even if only to oneself. means placing our faith in the community of Ill will (enmity, hostility), the second poison, practitioners. It’s not a running from, is also our common lot. We may be spared the but a throwing oneself into. Refuge in Sangha, worst forms of it—rage, fury, malevolence, mal- then, is ultimately realized in the pure practice ice, resentment—but none of us, no matter how of sitting and active Zen. This means non-sep- long we’ve been in Zen practice, is beyond at aration, or non-attachment to thoughts. This is least occasional flickers of irritation, annoyance, what Hakuin was pointing to when impatience, and other vexations. he declared, ‘The gateway to freedom is As for poison number three, every one of us .’ succumbs, if only infrequently, to states of delu- In taking refuge in Sangha we are joining sion, which include confusion, folly, and spaci- with others who have chosen to align them- ness. selves with Buddha and Dharma, the other Even those of us in the Sangha, then, have two ‘jewels.’ This means affiliating with those lifetimes of deep cleaning before us, like Her- who place their faith in their Buddha Nature cules shoveling out the Augean stables. And and in the Way—things as they are. Myriad thus has it always been. Zen master Dogen, in books have been written about the Dharma, but his Shobogenzo Zuimonki, notes, ‘If you look at a basic way to understand it is in terms of the the elaborate regulations of both the Three Characteristics of Existence : suffering, and the precepts, it is obvious that the , and no-self. In principle, then, monks of the time were moved to perpetrate the Sangha are those who have accepted the incredible indiscretions.’ He also said, ‘In the inevitability of suffering (in human terms, dis- Buddha’s time … there were some monks who satisfaction, anxiety, frustration), the transitory were extraordinarily depraved and of low char- nature of all animate and inanimate things, and, acter,’ and that even among the buddhas and pa- by extension, that no one and nothing has any triarchs ‘some were guilty of evil conduct and enduring self-existence. evil thought, some were dull and others fool- It’s a good thing that what we call the self ish.’ In the Zen records, after koan pres- actually has no fixed nature to it, because until ents us with monks mired in ignorance. These

4 go back all the way to the assembly on Vulture to make ends meet, and for that form of con- Peak, when all of those except Mahakashyapa tribution alone we look to the Sangha for pro- were struck dumb at seeing the Buddha hold up tection—refuge. Even more important, perhaps, a flower. In 8th-century China, the Sixth Patri- we place our faith in Sangha in tribute to its arch, after receiving the robe and bowl of trans- own faith. That faith—in Buddha, Dharma, and mission, was urged to flee his jealous brethren yes, Sangha—is implicit in the contributions of and was still relentlessly pursued by the fearsome money or labor or goods by inactive as well as Myo, who had been a general before ordaining active Sangha members. Even if that faith does as a monk. In the we also meet argumen- not manifest yet as actual practice, it must be tative monks, arrogant monks, devious monks, there in some degree. And like the countless and confused and lazy and smart-ass monks. To members of fitness clubs who seldom if ever use liberate these members of the Sangha from their their clubs, non-practicing Sangha members stubborn afflictions, we see the masters meting know that the resources of their member center out harsh words (referring to them, collectively, are there for them whenever their underlying as ‘mash eaters,’ ‘snakes,’ ‘asses,’ and ‘maggots’) aspiration for the Way grows into the need to and blows of the stick. A Buddhist proverb in practice it. ancient China suggested, ‘It is easier to save the We also take refuge in this non-practicing beasts than to save mankind.’ Sangha, then, for sharing in our Dharma vi- If people in the Sangha are laced with defile- sion—call it moral support. These people must ments like everyone else, why do we take refuge recognize at some level that the conventional, in the Sangha alone ? This leads us back to what dualistic paradigm of self-and-other, us-and- we mean by Sangha. Those who are maintain- them, success-and-failure, right-and-wrong—is ing a regular sitting practice—actually walking incomplete, and that there is a reality beyond the path of liberation—comprise the core of the what can be understood with our ordinary mind. Sangha. They are dissatisfied with themselves— Many may also recognize the simple truth to with life—enough to be actually doing some- Zen master Hakuin’s pronouncement that ‘the thing about it. Recognizing that ‘looking over a cause of our sorrow is ego delusion,’ and, like menu doesn’t satisfy hunger,’ they’re not content practicing Sangha members, are not satisfied to merely read about the Dharma. Nor would with their judgmentalism or laziness or anxiety just attending a weekly service (for what may or dishonesty, their jealousy or anger or lack of be social reasons more than anything else) be generosity. enough for them. They’re sustaining the actual The most liberal understanding of Sangha physical discipline of Zen in an effort to spend could include those of any religion—or no re- less time in their thoughts and purify their char- ligion at all—who are sincerely working on acter. We take refuge in this working Sangha themselves in their own way. We Buddhists can because of the intangible but very real support feel kinship with anyone striving to overcome it offers not only us but the whole world. This selfishness. But can the definition of Sangha be would be true whether the practitioners are sit- stretched to the breaking point ? That would be ting alone or with other Buddhist groups, no the case, it seems, with the so-called Buddhists matter the affiliation or remoteness. of Myanmar (former Burma) who are driven Within a Sangha more loosely defined as a by such a virulent, tribal hatred of the Muslim- particular congregation of local and out-of- minority Rohingya people as to carry out wide- town members, there may be many who seldom scale atrocities against them. How could the if ever actually practice, but maintain their affili- Buddha or anyone who understood his Dharma ation for other reasons. Without their financial not disavow the perpetrators of such heinous support, the center or temple wouldn’t be able violence ?

5 Gretchen Targee

Besides our Ceremony of Gratitude, another do better. At the end of this segment of the eve- popular date on our calendar of annual ceremo- ning, we recite the following lines in unison : nies is New Year’s Eve. This, too, is an event at The opportunity to practice in the Buddhist which gratitude can flow like melting ice. Every Sangha is rare and precious. year, once the evening is launched, I’m envel- oped in a feeling of privilege to be bringing in We ask the buddhas and to the New Year in the company of Sangha. I’ve support us sometimes voiced this appreciation in the zendo In upholding the Dharma with energy and at the time, contrasting our zazen and rituals to devotion. typical, worldly New Year’s Eve activities. This drew an objection once—‘Were you suggesting May our bodies be kept healthy. that we were better than others ?’ ‘Better,’ no, May our speech be clear and compassionate. since obligations as well as preferences can come into play. But for a clear-eyed, uplifting way to May our minds be pure and understanding. mark the occasion—the transition, allegorically, May we always be aware that everyone we from death to —what secular activity practice with could be as richly inspiring as this evening of zazen and rituals ? Is a Dharma sister or brother striving for In keeping with the spirit of New Year’s more self-completion. broadly, a key element of our own observances is Let us honor the Buddha-nature of all of us. that of resolution. In the zendo, after acknowl- edging past mistakes we vocalize our resolve to May all beings attain !

6 0c- means that our involvement in the actual prac- tice of Zen may change at any time. People who From time to time at the Center one will hear a even as Sangha members cannot seem to ground reference made to ‘staff’ and ‘Sangha’ as though themselves in daily practice may later feel drawn separate from each other. This is a misleading to the mat every day. Likewise, local members distinction. Yes, those living and training full- who’ve succeeded in sitting regularly for years time at the Center follow a daily schedule with can start skipping zazen and see their practice responsibilities in common that are different dwindle to just occasionally sitting when they’re from those that Sangha householders have in in the mood. common, but how is the staff not also Sangha ? It’s regrettable when local people who’ve been Now that we in the West have expanded the away from the Center for a long time come definition of Sangha beyond the early Buddhist back feeling sheepish—or skittish—about hav- monastic order, let’s not linguistically exclude ing been away. If only they knew that their re- those who are following a semi-monastic life- turn is all that matters. My own feeling, upon style at the Center. At those infrequent times seeing them in the zendo again after so long, when it makes sense to verbally differentiate be- is simple—‘Oh—you’ve come back ! You were tween residents and others in the Sangha, the missed ! Thanks for joining us tonight !’ That, least misleading phrase may be ‘staff and non- and also respect for their willingness to hit the staff Sangha,’ as wordy as it is. reset button—a measure of their faith. The rea- Nor would it be true to suggest that the staff sons people have for steering clear of the Center as a group have a special status. They’re in the are their business. The Center’s business is to zendo more than non-residents because they’re provide space for them and be welcoming. required to attend all formal sitting, and they can However we define Sangha, to take refuge get to more sesshins (though are not required in it is to place our faith in the True Nature to attend any), and share a workplace with the of each of its members, no matter what afflic- teacher. But these shared circumstances do not tions they still bear. Ultimately our afflictions necessarily mark any given resident as more ad- are no-afflictions ; our True Self and our illusory vanced in her practice or even of higher aspira- self are no-self. The Avatamsaka , which tion than anyone else. constitutes the basis of the Chinese Hua Yen Just as for the residents of any monastery of (Jap., Kegon) school of Buddhism, puts it this any period in Buddhist history, we can’t make way : ‘All sentient beings are tossing in bound- any evaluative generalizations about residential less karmic consciousness, with no foundation staff. Like others in the Sangha, some are car- to rely upon.’ rying more karmic baggage and some less. Ro- Since this nature with which we are all equally shi Kapleau used to muse that all of us in the endowed is ever in flux, we place our faith in the Sangha, whether living at the Center or not, are capacity of all beings to reach Buddhahood. As as though in a halfway house. We’ve recognized Yasutani Roshi says in The Three Pillars of Zen, the problem—addiction to our thought-emo- the teaching of Buddha Nature means that all tional habit forces—and we’re trying to get free beings can become buddhas—that is, enlight- of them. The only thing we know that staff have ened ones. Even more, all of us, in our original in common is, plainly, an affinity for residential nature, are enlightened. We remind ourselves of training. Those of us who live and work in this this in our chanting services when we declare, environment simply need to do so. Enough said. with hands pressed palm-to-palm, ‘Ten Direc- What we call ‘I’ is not a thing but a process tions, Three Worlds, all buddhas, - that exists only in relation to changing causes mahasattvas’—that is, throughout limitless and conditions. This dynamic nature of the self space, there is only Buddha Nature.

7 Tom Kowal Tom

One World, One Sangha

sahaya Jeevan Sitting by a Chicago river walk cafeteria, sipping tunity ? These are some of the questions I have on my decaf coffee, I have a desire to pen down been pondering ever since my return from the a piece to share my spiritual journey from East Zen Center. to West. Watching the sun’s reflection on the Traveling the length and breadth of India for river, my mind reflects on the training I recently my work as a mental health therapist, I have had completed at the Rochester Zen Center and on the privilege of participating in many Indian being a Sangha member in America, a coun- subcultures, witnessing celebrations and cer- try I was visiting for the first time. I wondered, emonies of birth and death. My personal jour- can I really belong to the Sangha of the United ney of healing brought me to the feet of many States, a country I have questioned for its his- masters in India and Europe. It must have taken tory of prejudice in politics and business ? On lifetimes of strenuous effort to find Zen Bud- the other hand, can I surrender to the Sangha dhism ! And it so it happened that on a family in India, where my freedom of expression as a visit to the United States, I found my way to single woman is constantly hampered through the door of the RZC. Who would have thought regressive views ? Then again, which Sangha do that the United States would be the land where I seek refuge in when all societies are wounded my spiritual thirst is quenched ? After all, I come by a violent history, and when we, the inhabit- from the land of the Buddhas. And yet I find ants of earth, discriminate on every given oppor- myself seeking hungrily in a new land, thou- 8 sands of miles away, a land that carries the spiri- live by rules—like a family—and these rules are tual energy of 50 million indigenous people who perhaps co-created by an unknowable source. inhabited her before European annexation. The world is a family The training program I did at the Zen Center One is a relative, the other stranger, in the spring of 2017 was one of the most pre- say the small minded. cious times in my life. For many years, I had The entire world is a family, been struggling to release myself from an intrin- live the magnanimous. sic wound that affected my life, my career, my Be detached, relationships as well as my ability to simply feel be magnanimous, anchored. One day while sitting idly in Chicago, lift up your mind, enjoy I discovered the RZC through a random internet the fruit of Brahmanic freedom. search. Upon arriving in Rochester for training, I surrendered myself to Zen practice and expe- Our world family is confirmed by modern rienced a significant shift in my spiritual growth science as well through a forensic technique during a seven-day sesshin—for which I will al- called DNA profiling, which is used to identify ways be indebted to the practice and to the RZC individuals by characteristics and ancestry of Sangha. their DNA. It uses advanced DNA science with In all , with each pros- the world’s largest online family history resource tration the seeker takes refuge in the Three Jew- to predict genetics by mapping the ethnicity of els. We surrender to the Buddha, the teacher ; an individual going back multiple generations. the Dharma, the teaching ; and the Sangha, Often the result of DNA profiling reveals that the community. In olden times Sangha was each of us is connected to someone in another comprised only of ordained monks, nuns, and part of the globe and to another race. Only to teachers. Today, the concept of Sangha is more reveal that all beings are interdependent ! broadly interpreted by many Mahayana and Regardless of our nationality, race, or culture, Western groups to include all those who em- we will have to learn to seek refuge in the global brace the Dharma because the Buddha saw in- Sangha. We must let go of the fond opinions teraction with others who are on the Path as be- of the discriminating mind and awaken to the ing essential for practice—the Path that leads fact that Mother Earth, though divided by bor- us to realize our True Nature, the homecoming ! ders and nations, is but one land and breeds one Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam is a Sanskrit phrase, Sangha. Interestingly, in Zen the turtle is used or sloka, which means ‘the whole world is one as a metaphor for our True Nature. A turtle is single family.’ The original verse is contained mostly a ‘still’ reptile and is thus portrayed as in the Mahopanishad, an ancient Hindu scrip- completely versed in the Buddha’s teachings. ture. The sloka says that those who can bridge The simple thread design on the back of the the minor differences of humanity go on to find rakusu strap is a stylized reference to a turtle, and the Brahman, the one supreme. Such individu- reminds wearers that they are at home wherever als enjoy the sweet fruit of experiencing non- they go—and that one’s actual home is our True separation from the physical world. The second Nature. verse describes attributes of an individual who This earth where we stand is the pure has attained the highest level of spiritual pro- lotus land, and this very body—the body gression to be able to perform his or her worldly of Buddha. duties without attachment, as unconscious ac- tions lead to conflicting emotions and desires. Sahaya Jeevan is a trained Alternative Therapist The phrase is not just about peace and harmony who has worked with various teachers across India. among the societies of the world, but also about Her mental health therapy practice includes work- the truth that somehow the whole world has to ing with women trauma survivors 9 Becoming Sangha

larry mcspadden All buddhas study together, the self does not tire books about Buddhism, and one even about study together. There is a difference between Zen 2 ! I devoured their contents and finally mus- speaking of yards and speaking of feet, between tered the courage to try meditation on my own. saying ten and saying nine. What is not study- I rolled up a blanket and headed into the closet ing together, that is self. What is studying to- of my dorm room (somehow I imagined it must gether, that is all buddhas. be dark to do it properly), and sat. —Dogen Zenji 1 ‘ What next ?’ I thought. And I had no clue. Buddha ? Check. Dharma ? Check. Sangha ? Imagine, if you will … Not so much. A world without zafus ; no introductory That could have been the end of it for me. workshops, no private instruction ; a world with- In college I continued to seek out sources for out teisho, or the encouragement stick ; a world Buddhism and Zen, and amassed a shelf full of without Zen jokes (or ‘in’ jokes) ; no sesshin to interesting (but mostly unsatisfying) readings. attend, no Buddhist memorial services ; no joy- One of my favorites was D.T. Suzuki’s Manual ous picnics with fellow practitioners, no one to of Zen Buddhism, which contained, among other give the precepts or to hear our repentance. gems, a translation of the Ten-Verse Kannon It seemed I was born into such a world. As a Sutra. 3 Going through a rough patch in the young boy growing up in Indiana in the 1950s, I summer before my junior year, I felt the need heard the word ‘Buddha’ and a spark inside me to find comfort in that chant, but my copy was started to glow. I asked around, but my parents locked in storage, so I headed to the college and teachers had nothing to share. I went to the bookstore and picked up another. I chose one library—nothing, save a couple of articles in the of seven or so check-out lines, where a young encyclopedia about Shakyamuni Buddha and lady was at the cash register. She noticed the Buddhism, which served only to add oxygen to book’s title, and exclaimed, ‘Oh ! Have you ever the smoldering coals of my mind. read The Three Pillars of Zen ?’ In my early teens, a friend told me of a book I replied, tentatively, ‘Uh, I think so, isn’t it by his mother had been reading, about some Nancy Wilson Ross ?’ strange people called ‘yogis’ sitting cross-legged She laughed happily and responded, ‘No, my in the Himalayan Mountains, and my heart uncle wrote it !” leapt. I had to see this book ! I hopped on my And the universe tumbled. It was real ! There bike and sped to his house (his folks were out), was a Sangha for me ! … although I didn’t have and searched up and down for it, to no avail. the word for it at the time. When his mom got home, I eagerly asked her I located a copy of Three Pillars at the book- about it, but she denied ever having had such store across town, raced to my apartment, and a book (probably in order to spare my tender, read it through, for the first time, in one sitting. Presbyterian sensibilities). What a disappoint- When I saw on the back cover that the author, ment ! , was holding forth in Rochester, Through serendipitous coincidence (or kar- New York, I looked it up on a map and imme- ma, if you will), I went ‘out east’ for my last diately made plans to hitchhike there. year of high school, and found they had a fine Two weeks later, on a mid-August morn- library—one that included two or three en- ing in 1969, I walked up to the front door of 10 David Merulla 7 Arnold Park and rapped loudly. An answer- for helping to haul ashes and charred wood from ing couple of loud bangs on the door came from the attic, because he said I could attend morn- inside. Puzzled, I knocked again. Again, ‘Bang ! ing and evening sittings and the noon meals, if Bang ! Bang !’ echoed from the other side. I joined the work crew. Sounded good to me ! This went on for a little while (I figured it was I still remember how deeply struck I was the a Zen riddle of some sort), until I saw someone first time I heard the man who was to become walking up the driveway where ‘the Link’ be- my first teacher speak in the zendo. His words tween 5 and 7 is now, and I asked a few ques- went deeper than my heart. Something in me tions. It turned out that, after a big fire, a com- was cracked open, and the spark from my child- plete remodel was underway. When I walked up hood had become a little flame. to what had been the front door (now behind When one has confidence in the the main altar), the volunteer Sangha work crew Sangha was nailing it shut ! Ha ! I was instructed to wait on a bench in the And one’s view is straightened out, driveway, and after a couple of hours a small They say that one isn’t poor ; group of men walked up to me. I stood up and 4 was asked some questions. The one asking the One’s life is not lived in vain. questions, I eventually figured out, was none It took a year and a half, which included other than Roshi Kapleau (I was a bit fuzzy- dropping out of college, participating in po- brained at the time, typical for college kids of litical protest, narrowly avoiding the draft, and my generation). Eventually, he looked me up hitchhiking to and from Idaho and South Caro- and down, and I surmise concluded I would do lina, but In January, 1971 I found myself back at 11 the Zen Center. My quest at that time seemed and then a better trainer, and have been work- to be all about me—finding peace, working on ing assiduously on developing and maintain- something that wasn’t doomed to perish, get- ing strength, flexibility, balance, and mobility. ting enlightenment (whatever that was), and be- I developed and extended a network of support ing a little special and different. Unbeknownst among friends and family (including Sangha to me, however, the ‘wisdom and warmth’ of the friends), and leaned on them frequently. I used Sangha started to seep in : through a lot of sit- Facebook as a journaling tool, sharing some of ting, chanting, bowing, taking the precepts, get- my feelings about our ups and downs with doz- ting accepted as a formal student and attending ens of friends (many of whom I’ve never met !). dokusan, then a couple of sesshin, and then a I studied, and Jane applied, everything I could few more. find on how to slow down the progression of In 1974, life circumstances pulled me back dementia. I believe we extended her ‘glide path’ home again to Indiana (where ‘it seems that I by several years through the combination of can see / The gleaming candle-light, still burn- strength training, food choices, supplements, ing bright / Through the sycamores for me’ 5). hatha yoga, balance work, music, nature walks, Since then I’ve maintained a long-distance conversation, chiropractic, allopathic medicine, love affair with the Sangha. Finishing college, petitionary prayer, massage, cranio-sacral ther- starting a career, getting divorced, and married apy, acupuncture, and a constant flow of love, and divorced again, and married again, helping sweet love. raise a wonderful bunch of children, all kept me Four years ago, when Jane could no longer be pretty busy … but not too busy to travel, again left by herself, I found a caregiver, who became and again, for lots of sesshins (multiple times in a great friend to our family. Missy’s dependable Chicago, Rochester, New Mexico, Mexico City, help allowed me to continue part-time at my Tepoztlán, and Cuernavaca), for holidays, and to job, and to play an occasional round of golf. be with so many who have become the dearest Last winter, though, it was becoming too of friends. But for decades it really was a Sangha much. 24 / 7 / 365, either caring for (while worry- that was ‘out there’ for me, not really my own. ing about) Sweet Jane, or working at the office, Ten years ago, twenty years into our wonder- I was noticing that I was coming apart at the ful marriage, my wife Jane and I discovered she seams. In February, I found the best place avail- was coming down with Alzheimer’s. Her father able close to home that provides what they eu- spent the last five years of his life with us, with phemistically call ‘Memory Care,’ and I moved Alzheimer’s, and died in our home ; as a result, her in. That was tough. I still see her a lot, and we knew firsthand what we were facing. Shit those visits are wonderful in their own way, but just got real. My world seemingly got smaller, they are tough, too. and the focus of my life narrowed . Take care of But I have taken seriously my motivation for her ! Cherish every golden moment ! Be present ! moving her—to care for myself and live the best This wasn’t a test of my faith : rather, it revealed life I can. And in the course of doing so, I am my faith. I knew what to do. Moment by mo- finding my relationship with Sangha is evolving. ment. Lately, I’ve come to recognize some of my own After three or four years, as her slow decline responsibilities as part of the Sangha. accelerated a little, I recognized that I needed This past summer, I was able to join the to take better care of myself, or that we’d be in Ralph Chapin Memorial Work Week at Chap- a heck of a fix. I sat more, and more regular- in Mill, for the first time. I experienced joy in ly (blessedly, she slept well, giving me time in ‘cleaning the temple’ and in being with so many the late evening and early morning to do this). good friends. This October, I got to participate I radically changed my diet, I found a trainer, in my first sesshin in 12 years, and was deeply re-

12 freshed and encouraged by that experience. To And having undertaken to win supreme, my delight, I found that my motivation to do perfect enlightenment, and having done sesshin had changed : it seems now to be much homage to those Bodhisattvas of great more to find ways to help, to generate energy, mercy who have entered the Great Stage, and to help radiate our collective intention out I go forth after them. Having gone forth, into a world so much in need. a Bodhisattva am I, a Bodhisattva. From In closing, I want to share something that now on may my teacher support me.7 warmed my heart when I ran across it recently This feels right to me now, and appropriate in ’s classic, The Three Jewels (a for my life. And it dawns on me, that I am an book I recall Roshi Kapleau recommending to active, important, significant part of the Sangha. us as a good introduction to some of the con- This delights me. How may I be of assistance ? ceptual underpinnings of Buddhism regarding Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha). The author ex- Larry McSpadden reports, with gratitude, that plains that the term ‘bore … the gen- Indiana is no longer a twilight zone for Sangha. He eral import of the way of life conductive to the is happy to be taking care of himself and his many Master’s teaching.’ 6 He goes on to explain, ‘As friends there, and wherever he happens to wander. time went on, a common vinaya, … whether for monks or laymen, was also evolved’ (in the Ma- hayana tradition). He quotes a short extract, a part of a vinaya ceremony that a dedicated Bud- References dhist would undertake : 1. Taigen Dan Leighton and Shohaku Okomura, Transla- tors, Dogen’s Extensive Record : A Translation of the Eihei I (person’s name), who have thus caused Koroku, Wisdom Publications, 2004, p. 82. the thought of enlightenment to arise, ac- 2. Chang Chen-Chi, The Practice of Zen, Harper Brothers, cept the infinite world of living beings 1959. as my mother, father, sister, brother, son, 3. ‘The Yemmei Kwannon Ten-Clause Sutra,’ D.T. Su- daughter, … and having accepted them as zuki, Manual of Zen Buddhism, Grove Press, 1960, p. 16. far as in my power, strength and knowl- 4. Bhikku Bodhi, Translator, The Connected Discourses of edge, I cause the roots of goodness to grow the Buddha (a translation of the Samyutta Nikaya), Wis- in them. From now on, whatever gift I shall dom Publications, 2000, p. 332. give or moral rule I shall keep, or act of pa- 5. ‘Back Home Again in Indiana,’ composed by James F. tience I shall perform, acting vigorously, or Hanley with lyrics by Ballard MacDonald. whatever meditation I shall attain, or act- 6. Sangharakshita,The Three Jewels : The Central Ideals of ing with wisdom shall learn skill in means, Buddhism, 4th ed., Windhorse Publications, 1998, p. 177. all that shall be for the profit and welfare of 7. Ibid., pp. 198-199. living beings.

13 Breaking the Silence, Trusting in Sangha

Anonymous In March 1993 I attended a sesshin that turned indeed valuable, although not in the way I had out to be my last contact with the Rochester Zen imagined. When I arrived in Rochester, I did Center for 23 years. Shortly afterward, I lost my not say a word to anyone, not even to then Sen- bearings as a depression that had started a few sei Bodhin. I thought the Sangha was for tough, months before enveloped me. It began when the silent, samurai-types and that I should keep my administration of the university where I worked mental problems to myself. Moreover, silence is asked me to give testimony against my director the norm for sexual abuse. I threw myself into (a tenured faculty member) for embezzlement, just Mu—and it brought comfort, release, even and he retaliated. For me, the most difficult part strength. was that, with few exceptions, I was not allowed At home, with sesshin’s wind in my sails, I to talk about it with anyone. decided to do as the executive had asked and One of those exceptions was the minister at file a formal complaint. I knew it would be the Unitarian Universalist church where I took hard but I thought I could sit my way through my children. At first he was quite helpful, but the pain. Wrong. I also thought if one wom- then he tried to seduce me, which caused flash- an stepped up then it would be easier for a few backs to sexual abuse by a teacher when I was more. Wrong again. No one else did. My name 16. I was traumatized by the minister’s behavior was made public and I became a scapegoat. I and fled. was shunned at work, at church, even at the gro- Three months later, the minister told the cery store. Then the mass mailings began. One church’s board that he was ‘addicted to lust.’ The was anonymous—purporting to be a copy of my board arranged for a district executive who was confidential complaint. Others were signed by experienced with clergy misconduct to talk with the minister’s supporters and told outright lies. possible victims. As a result, I went to a meeting And one was a letter castigating all the women, with the executive and 20 women from the con- signed by about 30 local ministers and rabbis. gregation. We went around in a circle, sharing Meanwhile, as my complaint was proceeding, our eerily similar stories of his coming on to us. the denomination assigned to the minister yet That small group of women turned out to be another prominent minister to be his formal ad- my primary resource. They were a wonder. We vocate, while refusing to assign anyone to me. I would get together occasionally, listen to each became terrified of clergy. My office was near a other, learn more about clergy sexual abuse, and divinity school and when I ran into a man in any even laugh at times. Compassion flowed freely. kind of clerical garb (collar, robes, etc.) I would The district executive encouraged us to file panic and flee, even though they were strangers. complaints, but we were either too frightened or For several weeks after sesshin, I continued to did not have enough clear evidence for a viable do zazen, however within a month I had stopped, complaint. I was in the former category. All the as my faith in almost everything broke—many while, the minister was still in place, inflaming days it took all I had to simply brush my teeth. the congregation and portraying us as trouble- The only things that kept me going were my makers. As more and more verbal shots flew our sweet children and husband, plus the kind Mes- way, we named ourselves ‘The Messengers.’ sengers. My solution was to go to sesshin—hoping it Eventually the minister was found ‘guilty of would rein in my mental collapse. And it was conduct unbecoming ’ and the board forced his 14 Donna Kowal resignation, but the congregation was in sham- Teachers.’ It was led by the Rev. Dr. Marie bles. For six months, his embittered and angry Fortune, the foremost expert in clergy sexual supporters remained. They portrayed me as a misconduct, with Roshi Jan Chozen Bays and puppet of a ‘man-hating lesbian conspiracy’— Soto Zen Priest Yvonne Rand as co-leaders. weak and crazy. But I learned (from Newsweek Looking back at the retreat, two things are of all places) that this is just the way it is when etched deeply in my heart. The first is witness- women speak up about abuse : we are portrayed ing the meeting of a pair of survivors who were as either ‘nuts or sluts.’ Somehow that phrase abused by Eido Tai Shimano. One was young, said it all to me. The stranglehold of shame and recently abused—the other older, abused 30 self-doubt loosened and I was starting to heal. years earlier. The older one was beside herself The reason I share this distressing story is to see face-to-face a recent survivor. She had because it is a fairly extreme example of how re- tried for years to put a stop to his abuse, but like ligious communities may respond to allegations me, was minimized and marginalized. I loved that their leaders are sexually abusive—high- her spunky outrage ; repeatedly she would spit lighting a pattern that occurs across all faiths. out the two words ‘Mister Shimano’—refus- This pattern includes secrets, factions, denial, ing to call him Roshi. My second memory is collusion, minimizing, marginalizing, and at its of Chozen Roshi saying to all of us, ‘Don’t let core, breaking of sacred trust. these men rob you of your practice. It’s your I learned how it can manifest in Zen Bud- spiritual birthright.’ I wish I could say that with dhism when I attended a 1996 ‘Retreat for those words I jumped back on the cushion. But Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Buddhist at least it planted a sturdy seed. 15 Instead, during the intervening years, I That phone call and the first few times I re- focused on restorative justice for clergy abuse turned to the Center gave me a startling, yet survivors and their congregations. It was a time clear, sense that I had ‘come home.’ I believe the rich in strengthening my communication skills Buddhist term for this finding home is ‘taking and understanding of the dynamics of power. In refuge in Sangha.’ However, until writing this particular, I learned how to speak truth to power article, I have also been leery of Sangha because in a way that is more likely to be heard. The clergy sexual abuse had broken my trust in re- essence was centering firmly in compassion for ligious communities, too—and I was equating specific leaders who were misusing their power ‘Sangha’ with ‘Buddhist religious community.’ I and then holding those leaders accountable. It know first-hand that religious communities can was deeply fulfilling work. I was even happy be dysfunctional and dangerous. much of the time. And yet … To connect with the word Sangha, I have Every so often I would sit again for a few had to take a deep breath and say to myself that weeks or months, but eventually fizzle out. Sangha cannot be Sangha unless there is a rea- Then on January 1, 2015, I promised myself sonable degree of safety. ( I say ‘reasonable’ be- that I would sit at least a few minutes every cause are not perfect. They are human.) day—and I did. At the same time, I finally did As best I can tell, this was actually an intent of what most survivors of clergy sexual abuse do. I the Buddha himself. He specifically created a walked away from the congregation where the flexible regulatory framework called the Vinaya misconduct had happened. as an integral part of the original Sangha. The While I no longer have panic attacks when Cardinal Precepts, including the third (‘I resolve I see clergy, I remain to this day leery of reli- not to misuse sexuality’) and fourth (‘I resolve gious professionals. But can one practice with- not to lie’), are distilled from the Vinaya. out a teacher ? I tried books, podcasts, apps, even The bigger challenge for me, though, is ‘tak- an online seminar. It left me confused. Which ing refuge,’ since that requires trust—the very Buddhist practice do you do when ? And how ? thing that was broken. I returned to the Center Then I stumbled across a Wikipedia page about because of my trust in Roshi. Sangha was not Bodhin Kjolhede. I read that he was both Roshi on my radar at the time. However, even though and Abbott of the Zen Center—and had been I was not looking for it, this Sangha has been for many years. I sat up in amazement. I knew steadily earning my trust. How ? Foremost is that he was absolutely trustworthy and, more the humility that I run into in a variety of con- importantly, at long last I knew I could trust texts. Second, is the way women are included— myself. It felt as if I was emerging from a fog particularly in the new (to me) ending of the into hope and possibility. Ancestral Line : ‘And to the unknown women, Even so, I was fearful, being habituated centuries of enlightened ones, whose commit- to a congregation that treated me like a hot ment to the Dharma nourishes and sustains potato. After weeks of dithering, I finally picked our practice—you who handed down the light up the phone and called the Center. I’d never of Dharma, we shall repay your benevolence !’ It met either of the people who fielded my call sent shivers down my spine the first few times I but both were kind, easygoing, respectful. The heard it. Third, the Center’s leadership is honest second even got me laughing when he called me about the past—including the samurai culture ‘a strayed sheep.’ Heaven knows I felt sheepish. of the early years and the sexual misbehavior of Then, even though we had never met and only one of its former senseis. Fourth, there are solid talked for a few minutes, he said, ‘You should go ethics and sexual harassment policies shared on to sesshin.’ I was flabbergasted. And that eve- the RZC website. Finally, the Center has a dif- ning I applied. ferent ethos than it did in the 1970s ; I’ve been

16 astonished by many acts of warmth, kindness, stumbled back into this vibrant community— and welcoming. and through it I glimpse what appears to be a While I remain cautious in chanting ‘I take fathomless well of possibility. refuge in Sangha,’ I recognize that healing With hands palm-to-palm. takes time. I know I am most fortunate to have

Gratitude for Sangha

vondell petry Like so much that is complicated, the notion of come fairly consistently and then disappear ; and Sangha is not only complex but infinitely rich in a few come weekly, monthly, or yearly. But it the myriad ways it can manifest. And, for this does not matter because Susan, who is the leader now long-time student of Zen, it continues to of the Cleveland Zazen Group, as we’re called, evolve. gives each person her full attention and full Over several decades that include living for measure of ardor. And, Larry is the exceptional the most part in Cleveland, Ohio with a five- life partner and zazen support guy. His resonant year stint living overseas in my twenties and bass, for example, always lends its own magic to thirties, there was always Sangha. Specifically, our chanting services. Cleveland has been fortunate to be blessed with I am just guessing that this long-term com- the unqualified dedication and support of Susan mitment by the Rakows is a critical component and Larry Rakow. The Rakows attended a lec- when new practitioners come to our group. New ture and workshop that Roshi Kapleau offered folks will comment that they are impressed that in the early 70s at the University of Buffalo there has been a Cleveland Zazen Group for so and ever since then they have tirelessly worked many years, and that somehow or other it keeps to create a sitting group and Sangha patterned rolling along when everyday life seems any- by the model followed at the Rochester Zen thing but consistent. One suspects this helps to Center. They subsequently hosted sittings both draw practitioners here to zazen and make wherever they happened to be living and how- a case for sticking with it. If anyone has been ever their life circumstances permitted. I have doing zazen for the length of time that Susan sat with them on apartment floors, in their liv- and Larry have logged, then perhaps, goes the ing rooms, dining rooms, in an attic zendo (by rationale, there must be something worthwhile far the venue with the greatest longevity), and going on. now in a proper, more spacious zendo that occu- While it is impossible to determine the pies most of the ground floor of a house directly thoughts of short-term sitters who come once across the street from the Rakow’s current home and do not return, or perhaps for a few months in Cleveland Heights. before they depart, one hopes for a couple of During all these years they also have cared for possibilities : that a seed may have been planted family, managed demanding careers, and juggled for practice and that on some level they know the logistics of practitioners who are sometimes that they were helpful to us in supporting the uneven in their commitment to regular zazen. Sangha with their energies and attendance, no Some come only once and never return ; some matter how brief. From this perspective, the

17 Cleveland Zazen Group has been touched by The energy from the mat carries over to the hundreds of souls, some for a short time, some dinner table and a sense of ‘just being there’ en- for longer—it all counts and makes a difference sues. It could be my imagination, but it seems on some level. We’ve all heard stories about in- on the following morning there is renewed en- dividuals who read Roshi Kapleau’s The Three ergy and focus, especially among those who ate Pillars of Zen but did not actually begin to prac- dinner together. tice or hook up with a Sangha for many, many These local intensives also underscore that years. Wondrous are the ways of karma and of as grateful as we are to receive Roshi and the Sangha, too ! attendants who make these events possible, all A discussion about the Cleveland Zazen the zazen practitioners who have supported the Group must also include how we have been Rochester Sangha spanning 50-plus years are consistently supported by also lending support with the larger Sangha in Roch- ‘ I take refuge in Sangha, energy that is dynamic and ester. Roshi Kjolhede makes and in its wisdom, example, often palpable. I recall spe- an annual pilgrimage to and never failing help, and cific instances with specific Cleveland to preside over a Rochester Sangha members Weekend Intensive. This is resolve to live in harmony that were pivotal for me, such a shot in the arm for every- with all sentient beings. ’ as when I did my first seven- one in Cleveland’s Sangha, day sesshin in my twenties. as for these ‘ intensive events’ —The Three Treasures It was difficult for a number the zendo is full to bursting, of reasons, and the only thing stretching the capacity of our two small rooms that got me through, I am sure, was that my mat to accommodate the 18-20 practitioners who was positioned between two women who were attend. With amazing agility, Roshi and his then in their late 60s. After a while, it was clear attendants, backed by the Rakows and others in to me that their compassionate support was the the Cleveland Group, offer all the ingredients of power that inspired and supported my resolve, a full-length sesshin, including formal rounds of and made it possible for me to go on and com- sitting, dokusan, teisho, and practicing in silence plete the sesshin. throughout. Arguably, one can extend that notion of But Cleveland also does something in the Rochester Sangha support to the hundreds of middle of all this tautness that adds a local thousands of practitioners going all the way back flavor. On the evening of the second night— to the Buddha. The combined energies of ALL usually Saturday—Roshi, his attendants, and who have ever struggled, who have persevered, whoever else wishes to come, enjoy a family- and grappled on any level with the fundamen- style dinner at a local Indian restaurant. After tal questions that lead anyone to sit are there. the hours of zazen on Friday evening and all day Without a doubt, the energies of these countless on Saturday, this informal interlude suggests a beings help create the compassionate support of great deal about the benefits of Zen practice, es- Sangha from which we all draw. pecially for newer participants. There is much The final gift of Sangha is the reality of good food, happily enjoyed, lively conversation, gratitude, whether from those individuals with laughter, and an abundance of warmth. It hon- whom we sit daily, from the larger Rochester estly feels more like a family reunion—and I’ve Sangha, or the men and women that followed heard so many newer as well as long-term sitters the example of Gotama Buddha ages ago. The comment that they had so much fun. While these debt is always there and is only paid by fully re- dinners may not be designed for the purpose of alizing our True Nature. We are told there is no Sangha building, they achieve as much anyway. beginning to practice and no end to awakening.

18 The same can be said about gratitude for teach- mindedly contributed to practice and a sense of ers, the teaching, and for Sangha ! Sangha wherever and whenever it was possible, How does one sufficiently thank Roshi including the Rakows, who have been at it here Kapleau, who sat and shivered in various in Cleveland for over 40 years ? Japanese Temples for thirteen years before he Gratitude girds and inspires practice, and was ready to return to the United States and sustained daily practice, especially with the bring the teaching to Rochester, New York ? support of Sangha, manifests the moment-to- While I cannot put words into Roshi Kapleau’s moment benefits of using one’s energy in this mouth, I can speculate that his answer, if he of- amazing and miraculous, and yet down-to-earth fered one at all, would have resonated with put- practical way. With hands palm-to-palm, gas- ting oneself squarely on the mat right here, right sho in the ten directions for the teaching, to the now. teachers, and to all those who for any period of Similarly, how does one thank the subse- time joined other like-hearted souls in helping quent teachers that Roshi Kapleau trained, in- us all to wake up ! cluding Roshi Kjolhede who has for over 30 years been selling water by the Genesee River Vondell Petry has been a member of the Rochester and creating Sangha in Rochester, and in all the Zen Center since 1974 and met Susan and Larry other affiliate groups that he and the Rochester Rakow shortly after that time. She is the mother Sangha support ? Additionally, how does one of an adult son and does transition coaching in thank the countless beings who have single- Cleveland, Ohio.

333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 3 3 3 3 3 Countless Good D eeds. 3 3 3 3 If you’re thinking about financial planning, estate planning, or both, please remember that there are 3 3 myriad ways you can help the Rochester Zen Center through planned giving. The right kind of plan 3 3 3 3 can help you reduce your taxes significantly while providing for a larger, longer-lasting gift to the 3 3 Zen Center. Because there is a wide array of bequests, annuities, trusts, and other financial vehicles to 3 3 consider, you’ll want to work with your financial advisor to decide what’s best for you. Long-time Zen 3 3 3 3 Center member David Kernan, an attorney who concentrates his practice in tax law, has generously 3 3 off ered to help point you in the right direction at no charge. For more information about planned 3 3 3 3 giving and David’s o ffer, please contact the Center’s receptionist. 3 3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 3 19 NON-PROFIT A PUBLICATION OF ORGANIZATION U.S. POSTAGE THE ROCHESTER ZEN CENTER PAID PERMIT NO. 1925 ! ROCHESTER, NY VOLUME XXXIX · NUMBER 1 · 2017

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