Fred Stoeker’s evil Calling all “Angry twin Ned speaks out! Birds” champions! pg. 3 pg. 6

How many times can you spot Rebec- ca Black throughout the Zircon?

Dordt College Z i 14rcon April 2011 Issue 6 Once you go black, you never go back Abraham Calvin ginning of many more efforts negative move. As for now, Staff Writer made to honor the great Ms. students seem to be respond- Black.” ing well to the new terms. But Fridays will not be “The way I see it,” sopho- In a duo so powerful it has meant for playing video more Trevor Boon said, “its not been witnessed since the games, watching TV, or even about a three minute video. If days of Mantle and Maris, catching up on homework. I watch it ten times, that’s only President Zylstra has struck a “All students will be re- 30 minutes out of my hour. I friendship with Youtube phe- quired to listen to the song a can spend the rest of the time nomenon Rebecca Black. minimum of ten times . . . per honing my computer hacking It has been reported, fur- hour,” Mrs. Zylstra said (her skills.” thermore, that in honor of his husband was too busy playing He declined to tell me why new bff, Zylstra has decided to campus golf with Rebecca to he wanted to hack computers cancel class on all remaining comment). but had a creepy grin on his Fridays for the rest of the year! Furthermore, each stu- face, so all you readers should That’s right people, Rebecca dent will be given a “Rebecca probably be on the look-out. Black actually accomplished Black is my Homegirl” t-shirt Others students have re- something positive. and be required to wear it ev- sponded well, and there is even “I just couldn’t think of any ery Friday. a petition going around cam- better way to honor my new “Failure to adhere to these pus to have Ms. Black record bestie than to cancel classes on new policies,” Mrs. Zylstra a new song entitled “Monday.” the day her song praises,” said said with a straight face, “will Zylstra when asked about the result in a level 3 and a life- I know I wouldn’t complain major decision. “She’s a leg- time banishment from my cup- about a three day week. end in the music industry, and cakes.” the world has failed to honor Only time will tell whether that. I hope that this cancelling President Zylstra’s new policy of classes is merely the be- Photo edited by Aanna Stadem will prove to be a positive or Dordt changes view on predestination: Science Building “off-limits” to idiots Didn’t see this one coming Jeopardy Joe Abraham Calvin choices when it comes to my Staff Writer Staff Writer life. I realize I have the ability to make either the right or wrong A group of professors re- In an unprecedented and choice and I am excited for the vealed their plan to make wholly unpredictable move, challenge of making godly deci- changes to Dordt’s Science President Zylstra has officially sions in my life.” Building. changed Dordt’s view on the However, not all students “The objective is to make controversial topic of predes- are excited about the change. the building a little more es- tination. “Our students were “I enjoyed knowing my eternal teemed,” said Physics pro- getting too lazy,” Zylstra stated, plans,” one student told me, fessor John Zwart. “We want “they needed to learn to make “and not having to worry about average students to respect some choices of their own.” the caliber of people that walk any of the stuff I did. Who cares The official change came these sacred halls.” about those unfortunate ones just last week, even though the The plan they have drawn that get left out in the rain, I thought of it has been in the up will use a system of tiers to knew where I was headed.” making for quite some time restrict dumber students from or cougar-related question. books to prepare for the big President Zylstra knew that now. According to President getting into certain places of Questions and GPA minimum change. Biology professor his decision would not be held Zylstra, the excuse of “I guess the building. Barricades will requirements will increase the James Mahaffy found himself in high standards but had a that’s just the way it was meant be set up at entrances to main farther students get into the locked out of his own office in quick response when I asked to happen” after Dordt’s Cana- hallways with electronic pass- building. a trial run of the new system. him if he had anything to say to dian flag was stolen last semes- code locks. “I’ve always thought I was “I just couldn’t remember those opposing his controversial ter one again became just too “SB 101 will remain an all- too stupid to be this deep in Parseval’s Theorem from Fou- change. much. inclusive ‘Tier One’ location,” the Science Building,” said rier Analysis,” Mahaffy said. “I have nothing against those sophomore Joe Venhuizen af- “But life could be worse.” Students, for the most part, explained Engineering pro- who still believe in predestina- ter his Core Physics lab. “I’m Similar barricades will use seem to be reacting very well fessor Kevin Timmer. “After tion,” said Zylstra. “There are just glad Dordt cares enough questions about pop culture to to the change, accepting the that, we start to weed out the multiple ways to interpret the idiots.” to recognize that.” keep the science students out challenge of actual decision Bible, and everyone is entitled Students wishing to get But the new change won’t of public hangout places on making with open hands. As to his or her own opinion. I through the barricade will need only affect students. Faculty, campus. one student was kind enough to guess they will just have to ac- to present their current GPA professors, and even mainte- tell me, “it’s liberating to know cept the fact that this was sup- and answer a specific science nance workers are hitting the that I have the ability to make posed to happen.” Page 2 News 14 April 2011 Doc’s, Tofhers, K-Cattle and 56th?! Moet naar beneden te krijgen op vrijdag

conference games. Coach Wilhelmina Catharina Den Heavner also expresses Vandamdenhoekdeboerstra- jansma confidence in the future of Staff Writer his Dutch team, mentioning that their losing record will definitely be turned upside- Provost Erik De Hoekstra down by the uniform addition. and Mrs. Bethany Van Schut- “Klompen are actually quite tinga recently announced that light and versatile,” he com- Dordt’s rumored plans to cel- mented. “Our opponents will ebrate its rich cultural back- simply be too shocked to even ground by more than just fac- compete.” ulty and student heritage are Casey’s Bakery will take indeed true. Sokka of the Watertribe purpose is due to basements’ folded up into the walls, like over campus meals, and the Beginning next fall, Dordt Editor tendencies to flood in the magic!” exclaimed Hington- menu will be primarily Dutch. will be known as Dutch Col- Every meal will feature sev- summertime. son. lege. Plans include teaching eral choices of bread (brood), Dordt College has begun “I’ve looked at the sche- “We believe that some of classes in Dutch, requiring sausage (worst), and cheese secret construction of a bar matics and it doesn’t add the alcohol that is meant to students to speak (and learn) (kaas). Poffertjes, olliebolen, beneath 55th Ave. up,” said Bill Hingtonson, stay underground was acci- Dutch and celebrating Dutch stroopwafels, and Wilhelmina This underground bar, a homeless man who re- dentally poured into smooth- holidays and cultural norms. Peppermints will be special All professors who are creatively named 56th Ave., sides in the hidden tunnels ies. We had to keep the bar features. not currently fluent in Dutch was created as a means for beneath Dordt. “I’ve slept secret so we made up some The new clock tower will will be forced to either resign feature the Dutch National professors and staff mem- in that basement countless stupid idea about fermenta- from their positions or take Anthem, “Het Wilhelmus,” bers to get away from their times when it rains, and it tion,” said Director of Stu- an eight-week intensive lan- played every hour on the hour. students and problems by never once has flooded. The dent Life Robert Taylor. guage course instructed by The Dutch flag will also be drowning them in a fifth of schematics of the building Now that the secret is out, Prof. Leendert van Beekma in flown next to the tower, higher jack. say the construction workers Dordt is planning on capital- the heart of Amsterdam. Prof. than both the United States James Vander Schaap’s vari- “How something this epic put in state-of-the-art, anti- izing on their newly discov- and Iowan flag. However, the ous Dutch relatives plan to fill could be kept secret so long flooding technology.” ered bar. “We will be offer- Canadian flag will now fly the any positions left open. highest. is beyond me,” said Alex Hingtonson also installed ing bartending classes in the In addition to academic The President and Admin- Updike. a hidden camera to watch his fall of 2011. This may be the changes, the Athletic Depart- istration are confident that the The creation of the bar stuff in the basement while biggest thing to hit campus ment is excited for a couple changes being implemented was a stroke of genius. he would be out exploring since The Gift or the naked new alterations. Dordt’s will be beneficial to the- di When building the Kuyper the tunnels. After viewing man, which I heard were go- Dutch Bingo team will join the versity needed in Northwest collegiate line-up. Northwest- apartments, Dordt specifi- the footage on the camera ing to fight each other over a Iowa. ern College is the only other cally requested a giant base- when he returned, the secret naked woman,” said Taylor. “Adding more culture to school to boast a Dutch Bingo this town will add thrill to the ment-a giant basement few was out. team. regular humdrum in Sioux have seen and is rumored to “I saw tons of people sit- Coach De Bouma is confi- Center,” said De Hoekstra. be extremely large. Accord- ting at this bar called 56th dent in the team’s future suc- Van Schuttinga, although ing to Dordt College staff, Ave. I had never seen it be- cesses: “Northwestern lacks fully supportive of the cultur- the reason the basement has fore. I kept watching the a strong Christian Reformed al changes, worries about the background, so Dordt will nat- been left unused for any is video and eventually it all heart attacks that may occur in urally advance as the GPAC the community due to all the leader in Dutch Bingo.” excitement and change. The Dordt Defenders, soon to be known as the Dutch De- Any Medium or Large’s fenders, will also be required Pizza Just $10 to wear wooden shoes during Stuffed Crust $ 2.00 Extra

Free Family Order of Breadstix with any Medium or Large Pizza $5.00 722-3000 Free Delivery to Dordt Dorms College Buffet (with college I.D.) Order Online www.pizzahut.com Offer Ends 10/15/10 Coupon coupon valid Required for Offer one time use only not valid with other offers valid only at Sioux Center Pizza Ranch 3/31/2011 - 4/30/2011 14 April 2011 News Page 3 Stoeker’s evil twin encourages promiscuity at Dordt

Dordt will be bringing in an- topics including how to dress from his creepy kidnapper other author to speak on this in the dark, escaping her van. His lectures will start at topic…but from the other apartment in the middle of 8:30 PM on Thursday April side. the night and avoiding angry 28 and will end whenever the Dordt College will be boyfriends and husbands. co-ed discussion ends in lots hosting guest speaker Ned His lecture to the women of crying, regret and really Broker, author of the popular will focus on the topic of awkward apologies. series “Every Man’s Battle: “skanking it up.” How To Make It To First Base “Skinny jeans are child’s and Beyond” and, according play,” said Broker. “More to unconfirmed reports, Fred women around here need Stoeker’s evil twin brother to break out the micro-mini separated at birth in a tragic skirts, tube tops, and hooker hospital mix-up. He will be boots. This campus is T-A- speaking to students about M-E tame, and that‘s just not promiscuity and, as he puts right. What you need is more it, the need to “get jiggy with blatant sexuality.” it.” Afterwards, Broker plans “Sexual purity? That’s just to host a co-ed “discussion” for people who can’t get any,” which will consist of turn- said Broker. “I haven’t had a ing off all the lights in the clean thought in 20 years and BJ Haan, playing sleazy jazz look at me! I didn‘t grow this music and seeing what hap- The Wolf Master molestache for nothing!” pens in the dark. your tastes? Well, disgrun- Staff Writer Broker will speak to the “I’m really hoping a lot of tled students, your time has men and women separately. people participate,” said Bro- Do you feel like Fred come. In the interest of pre- His lecture with the men ker. Stoeker’s talk on sexual pu- senting multiple perspectives will focus on how to pick Broker will be on campus rity wasn’t your cup of tea? and facilitating more discus- up women without crying or all of Dead Week trying to Was he too conservative for sion on this important topic, begging and other important spy into girls’ dorm rooms PLIA going to infinity and be- yond!

Black-hatted Wookie and pants of PLIA engage in are blasting off into space and Bot Final-E diverse and can vary from be ready to further the king- Staff Writers site to site. dom of God as they learn “Activities range from more about who they are and working with extraterres- who they want to be through trials, constructing atmo- Jesus Christ in space!” said PLIA is adding several spheric processors on Mars, area leader Ackbar Van Tre- new sites for students next setting up holographic pro- pasti year, and this time, they’re jectors, working with Pluto- “I am doing 0g back flips setting their sights on the nians to restore their world and barrel rolls in excite- heavens themselves. to being recognized as a ment for this coming PLIA Those signing up for planet again, helping space year!! I believe God is going PLIA will be able to extend charities, space colonies, to do some really cool things deadline for space applica- your hometown or wherever a helping hand to the people and putting love into action in space so be ready if you tions passed April 1. Those your spring break leads you of Mars, Jupiter and Pluto. anywhere needed even on plan on blasting off!” said who missed the deadline on Earth. The mission field PLIA is an acronym for planets far far away,” said O’Solo Mio. will have to wait to apply in is everywhere,” said Wolf Putting Love Into Action. Peppy O’Solo Mio, area Those who signed up for two years, but that does not Vader Chief, co-chair and It is a spring break service leader for the Jupiter site. PLIA help to further God’s mean they cannot serve else- area leader of SPACE PLIA. program that sends groups PLIA leaders have high kingdom while growing in where this break, on Earth. of college students to sites hopes for next year. their faiths IN SPACE!!! “You don’t have to go on across the solar system to “I hope that Dordt stu- Unfortunately for those PLIA or in space to put love help where they are needed. dents and the people that who may be interested in into action. You can serve in Activities that partici- they affect, will have a blast signing up for PLIA, the Zircon Staff 2010-2011

Head Editors: Layout Editor: Staff Writers: Photographer: Advisor: Rebecca Black Rebecca Black Rebecca Black Rebecca Black Rebecca Black Becky Black Web Editor: Columnists: Becka Black Cartoonist: Rebecca Black Rebecca Black Reba Black |Rebecca Black Becca Black Copy Editor: Ad Manager: Rebecca Black Open (Rebecca Black is quit- ting) Copy Editing Staff: Rebecca Black Page 4 Features 14 April 2011 Who (or what) is on Facebook at Dordt? We asked: What do you Lady Bon Bons “Mine was taken away from put in on campus during the love most about being Staff Writer me, so being able to reunite summer. Some of its interests with it through Facebook defi- include counting, listening to on Facebook? Have you received a Face- nitely fills a void in my life.” “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha, and let- book friend request from an “This is taking social-media ting off annoying chimes sev- inanimate object on Dordt’s at Dordt to a whole new lev- eral times an hour. campus lately? You are not el,” said director of resident Even President Zylstra was alone. life, Robert Taylor. “Students caught Face-booking The Everyone and everything at are interacting with the things Gift statue while in a meeting 55th “fermented” smoothie: Dordt is creating a Facebook they encounter every day. I Monday morning. An anony- I love that I can express myself account. Before you know it, think this will really bring us mous source reported that they freely. For example, I can let the world know that I was not you will be able to befriend all together as a campus and were setting up poker night fermented. just about anything on cam- build a greater community.” with “the guys.” Zylstra has no pus. While many students may comment on this issue. Some of the most recent jump at the opportunity to There is truly something Facebook members on campus form relationships with things significant happening on cam- are the four campus squirrels, around campus, some are rath- pus. Students and faculty alike the East Campus mold, the li- er skeptical. can just feel the togetherness. brary mints, and Robert Tay- “I don’t want the mold of “My side-burns already lor’s side burns. East Campus knowing where I have 352 friends,” said Robert Some students and faculty live, let alone my name,” said Taylor. “My personal Face- are thrilled about all their new- Janie Panie. “Why would I be- book doesn’t even have that Robert Taylor’s sideburns: found friends. come friends with something many! It’s just incredible how The fact that I have more “Never in my life did I think that could kill me?” this is bringing students to- facebook friends than Robert I would be able to be friends There is rumor of a Face- gether in camaraderie.” Taylor himself. with a 55th fermented smooth- book page being created for ie,” said student Jim Beam. the clock tower that will be Blocked, collaborate and listen

Library mints: On Facebook, people cannot eat me. It’s that simple.

The Gift Statue: People actually talk to me on Facebook. No one ever says a word to me in real life. It’s like they think talking to stat- ues is weird or something.

Sokka of the Watertribe Editor stuff right in my own home!” think it is blocking enough,” Although the reasoning be- said Director of Resident Life East Campus mold: User/Machine: IPGroup. hind the blocking system is Robert Taylor. “It should block Well, supposedly, Dordt Category: General Pornog- commendable, when put into everything and I mean every- plans on getting rid of me raphy. And all you wanted to practice, it only hinders the av- thing. No more Facebook, no this summer, but I have dif- do was check the stats for the erage student. Students who more Google, no more Wikipe- ferent plans. I’m thinking Brewers game. want to research cheats for rated dia, and I am sick of DENIS. No about sticking around for a Anyone who uses the inter- M video games may even be more DENIS!” while and there’s no better net at Dordt College has inevita- blocked due to the title of the However, not all staff are as way to do that than to stalk bly come across the screen that video game. enthusiastic as Taylor. “No, we where people live on Face- says a website is blocked for “All I wanted to do was play can’t block everything!” said book. Muahaha. “General Pornography.” ‘Viva Piñata’ but Dordt said that President Zylstra. “How am I “I wasn’t even searching for was general pornography. So going to listen to ‘Friday’? All pornography. I wanted to go then I tried looking up cheats for of my weekends will be ru- to anatomy.com so I could re- ‘Tiger Woods’ PGA tour 2012’ ined if I can’t worship Rebecca search the nervous system for but that was blocked too. Well Black.” my anatomy class,” said sopho- now that I think about it, I can Unfortunately, the decision Campus squirrel: more Cesar Gomez. “I feel like understand why they block a has already been made. A few I can just stare at people like a pervert now.” Tiger Woods video game,” said engineering majors, upset by the this all day without them try- “Men and women have these Gomez. new policy, have projected that ing to scare me. sexual parts and I’m pretty sure And although the students if things like this keep happen- we all know what they look say the blocking is too control- ing at Dordt, eventually Dordt like,” said homeless man Greg, ling, staff doesn’t think it is will ban cell phones, Xbox live, who resides in the basement of blocking enough. “We don’t snail mail and smoke signals. Covenant. “I’ve seen tons of this 14 April 2011 Opinion Page 5 A Dordt Kid's Adventures at Dordt...Wait, What? Dick Tator following email address: cros- of expression or civil discussion; Columnist [email protected]. whereas all we have are Bethany I've been back at Dordt for Your comments will be appreci- Schuttinga and President Carl just over a week now, and there's ated, then largely ignored. But Zylstra. Insert joke here. one thing I miss the most about hey, you're Dordt students, you Finally, we need something the Middle East: the revolutions. should be used to that by now. to burn. Why? Because lighting Aside from mindless Face- To really bring our revolu- things on fire is a time-honored book games, getting psyched for Lottery Crisis - the tion into the 21st Century, we'll show of rebellion that instantly the NHL Playoffs, and searching need to start a Facebook group makes any revolution cooler. End is Near for Cheetos in the couch cush- to coordinate things like rallies, Compare the following news sto- Lottie Houseman ions, my life has generally been marches, and to share funny You- ries: 1. Students have occupied Columnist void of any substantial social tube videos we may have found the lower floor of the campus I looked to my left. Five girls upheaval. But why should it be? while sitting around. Day 5 of the center, or 2. Students have occu- The End of Sex Today, I have decided to start a stood in a circle, arms around Revolution: “Guys, guys, check pied the lower floor of the cam- err... Men revolution at Dordt. this out...they put cats...on the pus center and are burning things each other, heads down. They Drema Femail Here's how things will go internet.” while Dordt's security forces rain were weeping. Columnist down: first, we need a central A revolution theme song will tear gas down from above and I looked to my right. Two area to take over, preferably one be in order too. Barring the inev- corrupt, heartless administrators Want a baby but not the man? guys sat on sofas directly across dominated by a statue so it will itable original compositions that look down from their ivory tower Not a problem. A new medical from a sofa bearing the load of be easily recognizable once the will accompany the publication offices and cackle at the students break-through could mean the four more guys. They looked at international news media shows of this article, we might need to below. Which one of those news end of men. each other with fear and trepi- up. And by international news find an already-produced song to stories would make you spit out Yeah, yeah, I know, we heard media, I of course mean KTIV, dation. Some were twitching. symbolize our cause, at least for your morning coffee in cartoon- all about it from Hanna Rosin News Channel 4. I guess “the the moment. I vote for any song ish surprise? Exactly, number 2, back in August when her article Others gritted their teeth and Gift” will have to do. We can put that's sung by someone over and all because it involved fire. “The End of Men” appeared in clenched white knuckled fists. a couple cute kids holding flags 19 years of age (if someone so Mind you, our target for in- the Atlantic, but this time it’s for Directly in front of me was a in the Gift's arms too, that should much as mentions Friday, they cineration has to be something real. We finally have the means long table covered with papers. make for some irresistible propa- will be found guilty of treason that we as students won't actually to back it up, sort of.Medical ganda. Four chairs spanned the oppo- against the revolution and most need to use in the near future. It researchers at Yokohama City Speaking of flags, we need a site side of the table. From their likely guillotined). should be something that's most- University Graduate School new flag, something aesthetical- seats, four beady pairs of eyes Our most important task, ly symbolic, and doesn't actually ly pleasing yet deeply meaning- of Medicine, located in Japan, stared out into the crowd ready to however, is finding a target for serve any real purpose. Like a have successfully grown sperm ful to symbolize our revolution. our malcontent. Egypt and Libya clock tower. crush any glimmer of a hope or a in a laboratory dish. I vote the Canadian flag. Why? were lucky enough to have cor- So what are we waiting for? An enraged Stephen Colbert drea. Their tool: the lottery box. Because it's the coolest flag in rupt, malicious dictators who The time for civil discourse spoke out on behalf of all men, As we all know, the lottery the world, that's why. Anyone held on to power indefinitely and has ended , the time for burn- saying on his show, “Great. box signifies the system used who cares to disagree can freely used the tools at their regimes' ing things and causing needless Give women yet another reason by student services – along with submit their objections to the disposals to crush any freedom property damage has begun! to turn us down for sex.” ¡Viva la Revolución! grouping tactics – to designate Too much, too little: Yep, ladies, you might as well who lives where on Dordt’s vast add another one to the list of rea- campus. A Marketing Major’s Senior Project: Pizza Ranch CRC sons not to have sex—now or As freshman we wondered, ever. Abstinence all the way. Af- of Dooyeweerd at their students ity of Sioux Center’s population as sophomores we became ner- ter all, sex isn’t needed to pro- with precision aim. But us re- in our Kuyperian clutches. Soli vous, as juniors we were terrified create anymore. And that’s, uh, formers forget that such heady Deo Gloria! to see what the day of the lottery the only reason people are doing stuff only sticks to the nerds who If some don’t love Pizza it anyways, right? would bring. actually like reading. Ranch’s melt-in-your-mouth As seen in The Switch, wom- In light of the psychological This advertising strategy for- chicken (which, really, I can- en who hear their biological tyranny presented by the system, gets two key facts: 1.) For folks not believe), then let’s open up clocks a-tickin’ can already do rumor has it that Student Ser- like Kuyper, a worldview is a CRC hair (and tanning) salon what Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) vices has come up with a new much more than clever intellec- for the pristinely groomed fake- did and go to the local sperm approach. bank and pick out some nice, Chim Ritchalds tual book-smarts, and 2.) Those bakers. Next year, lottery numbers Columnist healthy err…sperm. But you nerds who talk constantly in For good measure, we ought still need a man for that. will be assigned by category. I love the reformed stuff. I re- GEN300 are the minority in the to open up a CRC mechanic And well, okay, we might as Students of Dutch, Reformed, ally do. Every time I hear some reformed community. Where’s shop for the motorheads. well come out and say it, mak- and American roots will be given Dutchy raging against the evan- the quality advertising for the On second thought, how ing lab-grown sperm would still the first set of numbers, after the gelical “personal relationship rest of us normal people? about a peaceful takeover of involve some man parts too, and non-Canadian international stu- with Jesus is all that my faith Here’s one quick fix: open the all Sioux Center in the name of the whole process works a lot dents of course. needs” stuff, I want to—in the first explicitly CRC Pizza Ranch. the Christian Reformed Ch—I like in vitro fertilization. Those of Dutch-American de- words of the Dutch-reformed Literally plaster that reformed mean, God! So really, medical science is cent will be given the next set of just trying to take all the fun out rock act Van Halen—jump! badge of honor onto the sign I can see it already, a mar- numbers. of baby making. Because I really do think that hanging out front: Pizza Ranch velous Jake-Van-Wyk-original That doesn’t sound like the Next, the American athletes the Christian faith is vastly more CRC. The entire chain was start- city sign, perhaps held high by end of men. That just sounds will be factored in. Football play- than an individual relationship ed in Hull by a couple of Dutch a second androgynous Gift-like like the end of sex. Meh, same ers will go first, followed by the with Jesus, I believe that a true fogies—how hard can it be? statue—“Sioux Center CRC: thing. rest. faith manifests itself in the work Sioux Center already has a “Siouxli Deo Gloria!” Now in the name of full dis- The Canadian lottery will go you do and the cultural institutes Pizza Ranch? Big wup. Open a Let’s stop kidding ourselves. closure (because that’s what in the order of those of Reformed to which you contribute. Hoo- CRC Pizza Ranch right across If we really want to change cul- we do here at the newspaper), decent starting, followed by Ca- rah—let’s go redeem some cul- the street. A good Kuyperian ture, let’s literally change it. Slap the ability to make lab-grown nadian athletes, and finally the sperm is hoped to help infer- ture, Dutch marines! I love me will know that making pizza is them three golden letters on ev- rest of the Canadians. tile men fulfill their dreams of the reformed brew. God-glorifying and will make ery business in town and watch fatherhood and have their own The rest of the population will But I think our advertising is the best friggin’ pizza in town. that Kuyperian worship-through- kids. make up the last group and will all wrong. The CRC-less Pizza Ranch will work grow. So guys, in the end, it looks go in order based on Biblical Sure, we advertise to the intel- be out of business in a month *The author is currently ac- like you’re not going anywhere. Foundations grades. lectuals wonderfully. We have and—because the best way to a cepting shareholder offers for But to be safe, you might want Dry your tears Dordt College, lovely separate reformed insti- man’s worldview is through his the very first (of many) CRC to go work on those cooking and the lottery is over. Happy Hous- tutions for academics—Dordt stomach—we’ll have the major- Pizza Ranches. cleaning skills. You know, just ing. College. Such places lob chunks in case. Page 6 Sports 14 April 2011 Angry birds battle East Campus pigs Ask An Athlete - The Gift

Alex Updike Staff Writer

Me: So GIFT, what sport to you play here at Dordt? Me: That’s really interest- GIFT: ing. Why would that be? GIFT: Me: So what’s that like, being a statue and trying to Me: Well thank you for the be active? interview. Is there anything GIFT: else you want to say? GIFT: Me: Really? Was that the case in high school for you as well? GIFT:

Me: With that being the Danielle Richards “We’re still forming ranks “Something must be done,” case, do you have any Staff Writer and assembling our army,” said East Campus resident quirky pre-game rituals you P.S.A. - Statues can’t said Professor of Philosophy Max Vander Splode, captain of go through? talk!!!!!! And the fact that I Within the past 6 months, and Angry Birds Scare Tactics the Angry Birds Squad, “their GIFT: still had an ongoing con- evil pigs have infested the Neal De Roo, “but our strike cackles have haunted us for far versation with one about East Campus apartments. In- will be sudden and powerful, too long.” Me: What are your plans athletics only proves that nocent students lying in Twin like a barrage of exploding Students have been en- post-college? my next interview should XL beds have reported hearing eggs from the sky.” gaging in virtual practice on GIFT: probably be with a mental evil cackles from the walls and Dordt has plans for a giant phones and computers for health professional. floor. slingshot to be constructed months now. Practice times Me: If you could play one In response to mass hysteria near the Kuyper Apartments. usually occur during afternoon other sport here at Dordt and fear, Dordt’s Athletic Pro- Armed with angry cardinals, lecture classes and boring what would it be? gram has immediately called geese, sparrows, finches, and dates. GIFT: for Angry Birds champions to toucans. Angry Birds cham- rise up and defeat the angry pions plan on collapsing the oinkers. Hundreds of students East Campus apartments and have responded to the call. exploding the evil pigs within. Let’s Go Fly a Kite A. Ginger winds. Along with the increas- will halve the number of kite- Staff Writer ing wind and warm days, the related concussions, loses of upcoming sale of new kite eyesight and horrible, gory, Due to the large increase models has just been released. Mortal Kombat-style kite fa- in wind, Dordt students have Leading kite producers talities. Dordt is taking all of suggested the introduction of a have begun “tricking out” this into consideration so as to new sport: kite flying. kites with carbon composite allow all students to have safe A group of students pre- frames and accessories includ- fun. sented their idea to the Student ing kite bling, fancy ribbons Although the final deci- Activities Committee, and the and unbreakable kite string to sion is yet to be announced, board is currently researching prevent the illegal kite cutting SAC has stated that the com- the pros and cons of adding the that competitions dealt with petition with Northwestern in new sport to Dordt’s campus. last year. this sport is “expected to be a According to the most pres- As kite flying becomes more heated one.” tigious and academic Wikipe- and more popular, companies dia, Iowa is the first state to have taken huge precautions, have more than 10% of its to- one of which includes the re- tal generated electricity come quirement of a bright orange from wind power. This spring kite and/or tail to warn ground- is no exception as there have lings of any inbound kamikaze reportedly been good seasonal kite attacks. This precaution 14 April 2011 Fine Arts Page 7 Proposal to construct naked woman statue getting more publicity than unheard. Bethany Schuttinga hardcore advocators of cre- the naked man ever did. Most will not stop the construction ating the naked woman, but people are in favor for the of the statue. “We are getting his hopes and dreams may be construction. “I can’t believe a clock tower, which is being shattered quite soon. The na- Dordt won’t even consider donated, and a naked woman ked man has thrown his hat in building a naked woman. I can statue, which is being paid for. the ring and declared he wants understand the naked woman to be not building built near him. a naked man. “She and I have Naked men “I say build her and build more in common than are disgust- she and The Gift will,” ing,” said her fast! I need something said the naked man. Bill Hington- “Seriously, look at our son, home- else to look at other than names. I’m the NA- less man who KED man and she is resides in the those two stupid trees the NAKED woman. hidden tun- What is The Gift? It’s nels beneath all the time!” not a man or a woman. Dordt. It’s some freak that is However, there are some If we were to deny the dona- supposed to represent men in the community that feel by tors and sponsors of every- AND women.” creating a giant, naked woman thing they were to offer Dordt, Dordt College will shut would cause men to slip in we wouldn’t have anything on down in order for the two of their walk for purity. A few campus,” said Schuttinga. them enough room to spar hard core masculinist (the op- “I say build her and build across the entire campus. posite of feminist) have de- her fast! I need something else “That little weakling won’t cided that if a naked woman to look at other than those two know what hit him/her,” said is created, she should at least stupid trees all the time,” said the naked man. “I’ve got this wear skinny jeans and a tank The Gift. “My hands have been in the bag.” Sokka of the Watertribe proved the construction of a top. spread out waiting for some- “If he wants a fight, I’ll give Editor giant, naked statue of a wom- “She should at least wear one to embrace me. Can you him a fight. I’ll smash him into an on campus. “We thought it skinny jeans and a tank top,” imagine being built with your the ground with that oddly If you remember the giant was time to join the Greeks said sophomore Joe Venhui- arms extended like I have? All shaped wheel thing that’s be- naked man statue that caused and model our celebration of zen. “I don’t need her bits and these years, I’ve just wanted a hind me. Seriously, what is so much controversy on cam- the human body after their ob- pieces showing for me to lust hug but people keep leaving that thing?” asked The Gift. pus last semester, get ready for session with it,” said art pro- at every time I walk by the things on my hermaphroditic Don’t miss the fight on round two. fessor Jake Van Wyk. classroom building.” body.” Saturday, April 30th. Dordt College has just ap- However, this is already However, his cries may go The Gift was one of the The Ghost Within opened my eyes to see what Tommy nodded and pointed it was when I saw a shadow at his father. “It said it would leaning over you and Mom. take care of you.” I tried to wake you up, but I Steve looked at his son. The couldn’t talk or move.” fear in his eyes told him he “Son, what are you talking wasn’t lying. He rushed back about?” to the bedroom, only to find an Tommy looked away, tears empty bed and pallet. Sheila running down his face. “It and Benjamin were gone. He talked Dad. It talked to me.” couldn’t believe this was hap- He began to cry uncontrolla- pening. As soon as he real- bly. He lurched forward and ized the room was empty, he wrapped his arms around his rushed back to the bathroom her. “Steve, he’s eight years there was nothing to worry father. After Tommy had set- only to find the bathtub now Sokka of the Watertribe old. You know he has prob- about.” He leaned down to tled down, Steve asked him filled with water and no trace Editor lems with sleep walking. What grab him, but right before again. of Tommy at all. if something happened to him? he wrapped his arms around “What did it say?” “The Alumni house at “Where is Tommy?” asked Go check the bathroom. It’s him, Tommy’s eyes opened. Tommy shook his head Dordt College is possessed,” Sheila. She looked at the emp- where he always goes.” His eyes were bloodshot and back and forth. He couldn’t he said. “It’s possessed.” He ty spot next to her bed. “Frank, He slowly crawled out of his entire body was shaking. bring himself to repeat what looked behind him to see a fig- he is missing. Where is he?” bed, accidentally stepping on Tommy stared at the side of the creature had said. He ure staring at him from down She leaned over her hus- Benjamin on his way to the the tub and continued to rock looked at his father’s smile the hallway. The creature be- band’s body to look on the bathroom. The bright lights of back and forth, unable to look and was comforted. He took gan to walk closer and closer other side of the bed. Their the bathroom blinded him as at his father. a deep breath. “It said, ‘Shh.. until Steve was staring it face eldest son, Benjamin, was he squinted to see if he could “Son, did….something hap- don’t tell Mommy.’” Tommy to face. The creature leaned sound asleep from his tour of find Tommy. He blinked a pen to you?” Steve asked. He raised his pointer finger and down, stared into Steve’s eyes, Dordt College, but there was few times and, after adjust- was sure that Tommy had just put it against his lips, mim- and sneered. still no sign of Tommy. ing his eyes to the light, saw a woken up after sleep walk- icking the beastly shadow’s “Welcome to Dordt Col- “He probably just got up to silhouette on the other side of ing and forgot where he was. motion. “It picked me up and lege.” go to the bathroom,” mumbled the shower curtain. He pulled “Well whatever the problem moved me here. It said that it In one swift move Steve Steve, her husband. “I’m sure back the curtain to see Tom- is, you are safe now.” would be back as soon as it had joined his family, chained he is fine. We are in the mid- my curled up like a ball, eyes “No we aren’t. No one is,” had taken care of something.” beneath the basement of Cov- dle of a cornfield on a college closed, his arms gripping his whispered Tommy to himself. “Taken care of something? enant. campus in their alumni house. legs so hard they had turned “I saw something… in the Did it say what? What is it Everything is fine. Just try to white. house. When I was sleeping going to take care of?” asked go back to sleep.” “There you are son. I knew I heard a noise in the room. I Steve. His words didn’t comfort Page 8 Amusements 14 April 2011

Comic Mishaps By: Meghan Aardsma

Out of Context Keys to Fake Success

Because Professor Jim Schaap died, we need you to send us

Dave De Wit your favorite funny professor Columnist

quotes. Thank you. Today’s lesson: Writing a Humor Column

Step 1: Keep annoyingly asking the paper’s editor if you can write a humor column week after week until they let you do it.

Step 2: Create a humorous environment; surround yourself with comedy, i.e. rubber chickens, whoopee cushions, or pictures of Justin Bieber with Steve Buscemi’s eyes (Google search it).

Step 3: Make up whatever you want and pass it off as fact. Pref- erably by saying “FACT!” right before an obviously ridiculous statement.

Step 4: Drink lots and lots of Vitamin Water. FACT! Vitamin Water increases the production of humocin in the body, a chemi- cal that actually makes you funnier.

Step 5: Always wear a seatbelt. You can’t write a humor column if you’re dead.

Step 6: Stop! You will never be able to finish a humor column if you don’t stop writing it at some point.

Congratulations! You’re now a fake successful humor colum- nist!

Perfectthe love the ring the diamond

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