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'6.J. goes great toith a bora! of the Steio' Volume 5 Mid October
I know the title of this article it's just because I was bom a Trek- pean country like England where Weather channel; CNN, the isn't very revealing but I ker and reruns of "The Next Gen EVERYONE knows that news news channel; C-SPAN, the bor didn't want to reveal to every- eration" keep getting preempted about the royal family is just tab ing channel, AND NOW OJN, the or played any loid junk) Living in a democracy, tabloid channel. I think the cable where from 30 I would hope that if only 33% of companies missed out on a gold minutes to 2 hours people want to see the stupid trial, mine on this one. Oh well, better late because of then the 67%(yes I rounded up) luck next time. (THERE BET "Dateline NBC" would win and they wouldn't TER NOT BE A NEXT TIME) updates on the show a lick. At the very least, This has been more than my min stupidest, most ri the right thing to do would utes worth. Until later, diculous trial in all O.J., all the time have been to let only 33% of the Eric MiNuTe American history. channels cover it. For Christ's coming soon to For those of you sake, the President's who think that State of the Union CENCOM Cable I'm just saying all Address doesn't get of this because that kind of coverage Its just wrong. I'm white and I and if he [sorry no fe one that I am indeed writing about didn't like the verdict, YOU'RE male presidents yet:( (in an admittedly round about WRONG!!! I flat out wouldn't ] decided to talk for way) the O. J. Simpson thingy. give a good God damn if they did 9 months, he'd be What in the hell is the deal? It anything from pay him 3 million impeached on the has been more than a week dollars for his troubles to hanging second day. Person- since the damn verdict was him from the nearest tree. The ally, I think they handed down and still the news point is that for every American should have taken reports continue. who was glued to their television advantage of this op "Today O. J. Simpson brushes set for every new word on the portunity to start an his teeth as a free man for the first case, there were at least 2 people other cable channel. time in 9 months!!!" who couldn't care less, (if i'm I think it would fit OK! ALLRIGHT! THAT'S wrong about this, I will be mak right in. You have the ENOUGH!!! I don't know maybe ing plans to move to some Euro
THE KINGDOM OF SUCK • HIL SIDE • MILITANT LEFTY • ROSES & THORNS • NIMBLEY • IN A PERFECT WORLD •IIIIIII <0> In a Perfect World...
In a perfect world I would Duke's next running mate re dict against lies, deception In a perfect world Nicole not feel s o confused by the ally find the glove like he and poor police work. Be Brown-Simpson would still reading of the O.J. Simpson said he did? Suppose he did. fore we get up in arms, let's be visiting her friend verdict. The first question asked pause and reflect on the fact Ronald Goldman at the res In a perfect world we should be: did the policeact that there are many guilty taurant he worked at. In a would be able to keep an in good conscious? Maybe people in prison. And they perfect world.... open-mind about circum this case wasn't about a were incarcerated by a jus stances until we get a full un white cop trying to frame a tice system that worked derstanding of what hap black man who was married within the framework es VhlttmAn pened, but, alas, we cannot. to a white woman. Me thinks tablished by the Constitu I am writing this on Tues that the jury pondered the tion. If we are honest with The Management here at day afternoon about 4-5 fact that Van Adder and ourselves, can we say that Brain Stew would like to thank the Mattman for royally screw hours after the verdict was Fuhrman entered O.J.'s es we believe beyond a rea ing the O.J. Free policy that has read, so perhaps new "evi tate because the detectives sonable doubt that the state stood here in the newsroom for dence" will come to light be were sure that the spouse did did its best job? If the po the length of the trial. But after tween the time of this writ it. The detectives asserted lice and prosecutors did our initial anger, we realized that ing and the time it is pub that they did it to see if the such a wonderful job then their is no better time for con tributors to The Stew to com lished in the Stew. I said that convicted wife beater was why is there no one in ment, criticize , and/or bitch I am confused earlier, well I okay. Acquaintances of the prison for killing Mr. about something than after it has am also hurt. My head is just victims are always the first Goldman and Ms. Brown- already been concluded. screaming with mixed emo suspect, and for the detec Simpson? Could it be that As far as our take on the O.J. tions. Part of my confusion tives to say otherwise in this the police screwed up and trial we feel that the twelve people who's power it was to stems from the fact that race case was a lie. It was as big allowed someone to get make that decision decided. The seemed to have played a part a bold face lie as O.J.clai m away with murder because jury were the people empowered in this historical event, but I ing to have been playinggolf of ineptitude and corrup to make that decision and since wonder who really brought it at 10 p.m. the night of June tion. One way or another they were on hand for the whole up first. Did Johnnie 14,1994. I think the jury was someone did those two schebang it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Cochran, Jr. play the race looking at the screwed up po people and that person or It seems to us that he should card first by bringing the lice force as being thecrim i persons will not have to an be sentenced to a little time just Fuhrman tapes to light, or did nal. Yes, race became in swer for it on this earth. for beating his wife for the en Mark Fuhrman do it by be jected into this case, but In a perfect world the tirety of their marriage. Love ing the poster child of a wrongly. If you want one police would not do such taps don't cause bruising. The only person that is irrefutably White Supremacist Move more opinion, I think O.J. sloppy police work. guilty of anything in this case is ment as he seems to be? Simpson is not guilty be In a perfect world the Johnnie Cochran, who perverted What if Fuhrman was not a cause the jury of 9 women police would not look so a murder trial into a political racist, would the verdict have and 3 mensaid so, but he did bad in such a supposed statement...but it worked. Oh, been any different? NO, be do it. I think that the police open-and-shut case. and we're real happy the O.J. that you can get only from cause the LAPD allowed force was so anxious to con In a perfect world the Valencia Oranges is still gonna someone to get away with vict Mr. Simpson that they police would not try to be available to all who enjoy it. murder. But it is difficult to took liberties to insure it. make someone look guilty say to what extent racism This was nota verdictjust whether the suspect is in swayed the case. Did David against racism. It was a ver deed guilty or not. IIIIIIII Upon arrival at the world pale at its complexity. The renowned Pierre Laclede Park scene before me is a giant earth ing Lot complete with a make crater waiting to swallow tires, shift race track, hurdles, and or to engulf unfortunate bicy jumping pit. I prepare my clists. With this titanic crate sports attire (2-year-old rubber sprawled before me, I take three worn sneakers and gargantuan big breaths—one, two, three...Hurdling into the air a Okay, enough with the OJ. I you this, what in the world is oversized T-shirt (size XXXL). loud Whomp, Whomp ema will tell you one thing. This wrong with "Light in the Attic" Not to be out done, I quickly put on my dark tinted shades, nates from my shoes. And in country has decided to all of a (by S.Silverstein - who I think is and trot into my starting posi my mind, I hear Bob Costas sudden be overwhelmed and cen awesome) and "Peter Rabbit." I intoning "John Macke contin- tered on OJ. I say - sorry for my find it repulsive that there are tion. Gulping down a swig of blatantness - but who gifes? I parents out there who would even sure don't. Who cares if He was think about censoring such WIDE WORLD OF a football "hero" and I refus<|to things. Where have they been - go any further on the subject. in the dark ages? Did they not « . ^ experience the "sexual revolu- MACKE SPORTS Okay, tally ho!, on wjth them, -|ion" or World War II? riddles, matey! t< My old high schools (I a romp through the rather cluttered Okay onto the riddle for this switched half-way through) mind of John J. Macke week. I was going to include two vet censored any materials. electrolytes, I fall into the start ues his success—he won the of them, but seeing nkijgoodness, if they did I long jump with flying colors!" sponse is somewhat lpw, I will ou Id. have had a cow. In my ing position. With my heart pounding, I With the grace of a gazelle only include one. i J 'irsj h'igH. school (Calif) we (okay so it's more like a lum atched "Boys in the Hood" for gather myself to wait for the bering bear), I trundle towards ing o|t loifcjl All we needed ever-ovascious political correct start pistol (Honk! Honk!), and the next bus for my free ticket "A way to break the bank, Wa permissidn slip from our lean forward eyeball the shuttle to home. The dust form my but chances sure abound, parents.. keKeepepinin g students from (unofficical finish line)-a ten previous endeavor hurls into to master yotir domain She of Americ friost valued the sky a dust cloud of gigantic you'll need-it in the rouri jrature is just asinine, These ton monstrosity that jaunts proportion. As the breeze probably the children' who's around campus collecting un suspecting students for a sce clears the dust, Bob Costas BTW, thIe^qhIsw er to las tents kiep them in the.closet nic tour of the campus. Soon I rumbles on, "and John Macke week's wa| r'The Simps|fe%5"while Bafney is on tv. Anyway. has won the Gold!" The crowd Hey I donJ Write emV'Pjiist, get .the. .book's .f that. are censoredifie gather myself for hurtling over roars loudly its approval. boggled y|em.. f '. Ijje'books that dae^students will the fallen organic cellulose structures (tree limbs) in the Quickly, quietly, I slide into my f j -j check but fijsf from their local seat for the next Olympian Oka&'dnto the real thing. library. The minute you label a unofficial campus hurdles. I'm an fed6 "I'd have a big radius, too if I was as tall as you are." - N. Byrd, on his radius '7 worry about being "She doesn't know what she's called a racist so when I doing either, she's in the Honors College, too." do my laundry / refuse - J. Bullock, to separate the whites on common sense from the colors." "You know, until today I never thought about a whatle takin' a dump." - T. Appel, on eclectic thoughts Quote of the Week "Its just a bra Jason." - S. Satke, on Lisa's bra "We not only played "Yeah, but its attacking my the race card, we foot." - J. Jones, dealt it from the bot on Lisa's bra "I cancelled my golf game tom of the deck." yesterday just to watch O.J." - the QT guy, on being a loser any — R. Shapiro way you slice it Chrematophobia: n. Fear of money. The rarest complaint known to man. Sufferers from this condition, rejoice! Help is now at hand! Send all your money to the author, in a plain wrapper, and you need not know fear again! *from The Superior Person's Book of Words. 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HOURS After hours please contact Monday thru Saturday Pete at 314-842-0669 10 am - 5 pm or Closed Sunday Tom at 314-481-4344 "O O; c CO o t>£ a "U a y Pi 1600-9S6/HC japiing awnsa# am SDigdDJO XL L600-9S6/fLe japiing aiunsag am soigdDj© xi 1600-9S6/HC japiing aujnsajj am sotqdDJO xi L600-9S6/HC japiing acunsajj am soiqdDJO xi 1600-956/fLC japiing aiunsay am SD!gdDJ0 xi Ss 1600-9S6/MC o iapimg aujnsajj am sojijdDJO xi Z O• 1600-9S6/HC NO japiing aujnsajj am S3 ITi SDjqdDJO xi ON L600-9S6MC u japiing awnsag am SD|gdDJ0 xi IIIIIHH £tln Newton Latest Projects: Perpetual student, Secretary of the PLHCSA, writer (usually) of this page. Description: Short, red-haired, freckles, single, and available. Hint, hint. Year: Junior Major: Special Education/Learning Disabilities Favorite color/why? Turquoise, because it is fresh and clean. Favorite author/why? Steven King and Daniele Steel. ot&y: H'tiry Tl CtftDYt 71 Sometimes I'm in the mood for romance, sometime for blood. Sometime both. Favorite book/why? Anne Rice's Inten/iew with the Vampire, or Stephen King's Misery. Both had me biting my nails, and it takes a lot to do that to me. Favorite movie/why? Lady and the Tramp, just be cause they're dogs doesn't mean that spaghetti scene can't be the most romantic movie scene ever! Favorite TV show/why? That would be a toss up be tween Friends and ER. Freinds because my life is that Dear Hil, show, and I can sum up the reason I love ER in two I have these small things that are on my chest. When words: George Clooney. Ooh! I wear rough clothing they get all stiff and sore. I popped Favorite actor/why? George Clooney. Gee, isn't that a surprise? one off and enclosed it with my letter, what is it? Favorite musician/why? Billy Joel, Frente, George Michael, Lisa Loeb, and Nine Stories Favorite song/why? Anything by Billy Joel, but I would -- Body Extras say my favorite right now would have to be the Friends Dear Body Extras, song "I'll be There for You" by the Rembrandts, or "You Its called a nipple and its not supposed to be detach Oughta Know" by Alannis Morriset. able. Thank you for not sending me both of them, and for If you were on the O.J. jury, what color underwear your nifty self-addressed, stamped envelope." would you have worn, and why? Definitely black, lacy ones. It has nothing to do with the trial—I just like them. - Hil Or none...who would have done my laundry? Which Honors student recently got her tongue pierced ...and has been asked repeatedly about "that Pulp friction thing"? Which Honors student had an orgasm while playing with her calculator? Which Honors staffer has no respect for the big, yellow trash can of prosperity Ev•eryda•y w•hen Ihas IcreatedI a worId praisIingI our people open their uniqueness (let me know if you mouths and utter think of one), knowing the history MILITANT "LEFT," handism* oc takes away the estrangement and curs! hostility towards sinistrals. yjm Although no lefty Our word "left" comes from an or lefty-sympathizer old Saxon word "lyft" meaning worthless or weak. Often phrases such as "the left-handed wife" and By: Brian Reed, John Johnson, and Schanda Tierney "the left-handed marriage" are Working on Fred's paper, used to portray illicitness of dis the day before its due... honesty. English speakers are not the only handists. The French word "gauche" meaning left also means crooked, ugly, or uncouth. Our Italian left-handed friends are "manxino" meaning they are maimed (derives from mancus). Lefties, stand up, raise your hand (the left I hope) and shout I will no longer let myself be por trayed as ugly, without worth, or as a klutz. Shout "Yes, I am unique but I am not bad!" *In the last issue I used the term handedism to convey discrimina tion of the left-hand. I was wrong. The actual term is handism. Sorry for the mistake. P.S. All lefties who want to unite and join my battlee-mai l me at [email protected]. Tfht UXHit/mt (-:\ HONORARY LEFTY Starting today, I plan to notice righties, who in my eyes, are good enough to be lefties. This week's honorary lefty is Stanley Coren, the psychologist and author of The Left-hander Syndrome. He is important since his PLEASE SEND ANY SUGGESTION THAT YOU WOULD book is all about handism LIKE TO SEE IN THIS CARTOON TO THE BRAIN STEW and it is the source of much KITCHEN...(all ideas are welcome) of my info. Nutrition Facts Serv. Size 1 issue Amount Per Serving Calories too many Welcome to my world, the Kingdom of Suck. about. Well call me crazy, butI thin kI have a As one of the most sanctimonious pricks you will pretty good idea when someone is intention ever read, I feel it is my personal duty to assault, ally trying to offend me—"F—k y ou, hippie % Daily Value' denigrate, and generally make fun of everything 1 freak!" is generally a good clue (by the way, do not like, and the Stew has generously given me Jason, that w on't work). You know, as a re Total Intellect 15% the space to do it. So, if you are ready for harsh cipient of communication Ihave a responsi ness corruption, and general nastiness, read on. bility to interpret intent on thepart of the com Meaning 25% laugh, enjoy. If you aren't, please, shoot yourself. municator. For example, if someone were to Nonsense 60% Shiny happy people bug the shit out of the rest of refer to me as a R epublican, a term I have found lately to besynonymou s with shit-suck us. Tomfoolery 100g The first topic this column was to address was ing swamp dweller,I would interpret their in political correctness (PC). Unfortunately, it appears tentions as inoffensive, though horribly mis Niferific 100g my esteemed colleague Jason of the column "Real guided, and would forgive their transgression. Hilarious 100g Politics" has beaten me to the punch in Vol 5, Ish 4 The point is, we all havea pretty good idea * of what the intent behind words are. For ex of the Stew. Eric Minute Not that that is going to stop me. ample, if someone use the word "faggot" in * No, this week I'll still talk about PC, but no un your general direction, chances are they do not Militant Lefty til Ihave fin ished with Jason first. Jason's idea mean something nice. On the other hand, it is Sarah Hejkal * seemed to be that people are PC because they are just as easy to use the PC term "homosexual" greedy, and that they are only PC to people they do in an equally negative context. Jason Meyers not know. I can only assume that Jason's motiva Look, people, it is entirely up to you to tion for writing such a load of horse shit is that he is choose to be offended. Yes, that's right,I am Mattman * tired of being PC. With his obvious lack of tact, suggesting the you as hu man begins have Reed/Johnson/Tierney * political intelligence (what the hell does PC have slightly more emotional control than the aver to do with theAm erican Dream!?!) and verbal abil age monkey, and the control makes all thed if John Macke * ity,I doubt he has any friends he can be appallingly ference. It is time we stopped sugarcoating Created by rude to as he suggests the rest of usare to each other. the truth. It is time we hada little faith in each Thompson Knox His ideas were poorly thought out,even more poorly other, a little more trust in everyone's ability written, and by this author, poorly received. (Oh, to determine prick from idiot. Humanity is & and Jason, to answer your parting shot - life isn't denied by its individual differences. We should Dennis M. Hall confusing, idiots are.) revel in their diversity insteadof euphimisizing In all fairness, Jason has his hear in the right them into meaninglessness. Ingredients: Pierre Laclede Honors College Student Associa place; he just had his head up his ass. (Not that I fast* (VHeprs) am apologizing or anything.) tion {Thompson Knox, President; Jennifer Bullock, Now, for the meat. Never in the history of hu We, here at the Stew are happy to see that Vice P resident; Hilary Ne wton, Sec retary; Eric man society has such a wussie concept as PC be just because one person is published on a topic Minute, Treasurer; Beth Versluys, SGA Represen come social convention. Please do not misunder that their opinion in law. Welcome to the pot tative; Lisa Glenn & John Macke, Executive Com stand;I think intentionally offending someone has Jason. mittee Members; Wendy Verhoff & Joanna Webb, only one place-right here. However, unintention CHIC}; Nathan Byrd, Computer Boy; High Fruc yiidyt^ctucytt ally offending someone is what this PC crap is all tose Com Syrup; Monosodium Glutamate; BS; and other natural and artificial colors and flavors. Wednesday, October 11 Brain Stew. October 1995. Published by the Pierre Happy National Coming Out Day Laclede Honors College Student Association. En tire contentsm and © 1995 PLHCSA. This news To borrow the words of Melissa Etheridge, letter is a compilation of student submissions. The opinions expressed in this publication are not nec Yes, I am. essarily those of the Pierre Laclede Honors Col lege or the Student Association thereof. Sensa Sorry I can't stay to chat, but I'm off to see tionalism should be expected and is, in fact, part of David Bowie. Toodle-loo. our charm. • Tilles Park • The PLHCSA will be haunting Tilles Park October 20-22 and 27-29. We need at least sixteen people to be there per night. Bring your friends, bring your families, bring your pets, and most of all just bring yourself. And most of all be prepared to scare the wits out of some little kids. H Hg • PLHCSA fundraisers • FtSf Do your Honors classes leave you begging for a thirst? The Honors lounge is now equipped with all your soda needs. Just make a small 50 cent donation into the jar in the fridge. And when you're done drinking that tasty beverage, toss it into the yellow recycling trashcan. But please do not toss unrecyclables into it. • Stadium Fundraising • The planned stadium training has been postponed to a later date. We just don't know until whe yet. All the schmack that is affecting the stadium, is now affecting us going to work at the games. The dates for the games that we were going to work at are now all up in the air. Information will be forthcoming when we are furjg^pdated.