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FamilyMatters By Viva Hammer

Making a Meaningful Bat Mitzvah

Bruria delivering a devar Torah at her Bat Mitzvah Photos courtesy of the Bleich family

ood frum girls don’t make Bat member thinking as I stood at the mitted. But there is no concept or basis Mitzvahs–such was the prevail- threshold, “I’m a Jewish adult now, re- to consider this to be a . . . seudat mitz- Ging view when I was growing up. sponsible for my deeds, both good and vah, because it is only like the simchah And so when I turned twelve, I was bad.” I was so relieved that I was not of an ordinary birthday party . . . [He proud to mark the occasion by doing– obliged to read from the Torah in front discusses how he would eliminate Bar nothing. At the Australian day school I of all those men. A private coming of Mitzvah celebrations as well, but can- attended, this gave me the status of a age was a mercy. not because there are halachic sources draft dodger (or conscientious objec- My attitude toward the Bat Mitzvah for it], but to innovate the practice for tor). The other girls missed months of celebration was not a mere idiosyn- girls, where there is no source at all to Jewish studies classes rehearsing for crasy: Rav Moshe had denounced it in a consider it a mitzvah, even in the house, their Bat Mitzvah pageants in which famous responsum written in 1959. certainly it would be better to prevent it, they dressed up in white wedding- About the matter of those who want even though there is no prohibition.1 cake dresses to sing and prance in a to make it customary to make some kind In the era when Rav Moshe penned sanctuary before a mixed audience. of . . . celebration with girls when they his responsum, the Bat Mitzvah cele- The Shabbat after my twelfth become bnot mitzvah. This should not bration was linked to the Conservative birthday, I separated from my father at be done in a synagogue under any cir- and Reform movements’ efforts to the shul door and climbed the stairs to cumstances. . . because a synagogue is modernize and Christianize ritual in the ladies’ gallery. I had sat next to my not a place to do reshut [optional mat- an attempt to “normalize” Jews in father with the minyan most mornings ters], and the ceremony of Bat Mitzvah America. Orthodoxy was engaged in a since I was a toddler, but now I was is certainly only a matter of reshut [op- battle for authenticity, fiercely pre- grown and belonged upstairs. I re- tional] and hevel b’alma [futility]; there serving its distinctiveness. The pre- Viva Hammer is a partner in the New York is no source to permit this in a syna- vailing opinion in frum circles was that and DC offices of Crowell & Moring, and is a gogue. How much more so this is the it was better to avoid celebrating the research associate at the Hadassah-Brandeis case since the source comes from Reform Bat Mitzvah altogether. Certainly a Institute of Brandeis University. She is cur- and Conservative [movements]. Only if pageant with white wedding dresses rently working on a book on fertility in the the [girl’s] father wants to make some was far too close to the Catholic con- Orthodox world. kind of simchah at his home, it is per- firmation for comfort.

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We began thinking about our So the decision to do something our daughter after the preeminent fe- daughter Bruria’s Bat Mitzvah nearly was an easy one. The difficult question male scholar in the , and envi- fifty years after Rav Moshe wrote his was what to do. The constraints were sioned a learned future for her. But responsum. Today, the Jewish world is formidable. My husband is stringent despite much coaxing, we could not transformed; Orthodoxy is ascendant.2 on matters of Jewish law and would tempt her to study any text. Negotia- It has triumphed in its struggle against not agree to participate in anything tions swirled unproductively until my the other denominations, and no with the slightest halachic taint. mother intervened. “What about a

The prevailing opinion in frum circles was that it was better to avoid celebrating the Bat Mitzvah altogether.

longer has to judge itself based on the Bruria resisted the idea of a celebra- chesed project?” she asked. The im- practices of others. tion altogether and certainly objected passe broke; Bruria was happy with Prominent posekim published re- to a large party or public event. And I the idea and we began looking for an sponsa disagreeing with Rav Moshe, wanted to find a way for Bruria to dis- opportunity where she could sometimes vociferously, permitting tinguish the day she became a Bat really contribute. and even encouraging the Bat Mitzvah from any day that came be- I found a couple with a baby who Mitzvah celebration.3 fore it. cried incessantly because of a chronic In his zeal to stem the post-war The first order of business was illness that made it difficult for her to flight from Orthodoxy, Rav Moshe ap- finding a learning project. We named fall asleep. For a year and a half Bruria parently believed that the community cared for the baby on Sundays so the was best served by doing nothing for parents could some rest. But al- girls reaching maturity. By maintain- though the volunteer work was a fit- ing this position, he discounted the ting prelude to Bruria’s Bat Mitzvah, it Orthodox tradition of celebrating the did not solve the problem of recogniz- Bat Mitzvah that existed in the early ing, in some way, her transformation part of the twentieth century in from girl to woman. Ashkenazic communities in Russia When a boy reaches Bar Mitzvah, and , as well as in Sephardic the halachah offers a myriad of oppor- communities in Egypt.4 tunities for signaling his change of sta- My husband and I believe that the tus. At thirteen, he becomes obligated spirit of the current era is expressed in mitzvot and can discharge the ob- well by the Seridei Eish, ligations of the community. He can Yechiel , who represent the minyan in prayer, read wrote passionately in support of the Torah and blow the shofar for Bat Mitzvah festivities. others. A boy’s transformation to The logical and straight way man can be immediately broadcast and the principle educational obli- to his community.6 gation almost requires [that we] How could the same kind of an- celebrate also for the girl her be- nouncement be effected for a girl? coming obligated in mitzvot, and Upon becoming Bat Mitzvah, she this division made between boys and too becomes obligated in mitzvot girls in connection with the celebra- that never applied to her before, tion of coming of age has a harsh but these mitzvot are expressed impact on the sense of humanity of exactly the same way they were the maturing girl, who, in other before she turned twelve. Most areas, has already halachic authorities conclude been emancipated . . . .5 that before her Bat Mitzvah, a While Rabbi Weinberg’s girl observes halachah as part of words were written in the her father’s obligation to educate early part of the twentieth his children. 7 After Bat Mitzvah, century, they are even more she observes the mitzvot on her relevant today. own account. The halachic sys- The Bleich family at Bruriah’s Adar tem made it difficult to find an Bat Mitzvah observable way to mark

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Bruria’s change of status at twelve, but both her learning project and the Bat beaten into ploughshares and missiles I was determined to keep trying.8 Mitzvah speech she delivered during into windmills. Every hour we antici- Then I learned the laws of mourn- the celebratory meal we prepared the pate that day.  ing, which are unique in halachah be- evening she turned twelve. Notes cause a parent is not obligated to The morning after the meal, we 1. Rav Moshe, Iggerot Moshe, Orach educate a child regarding those laws. 9 drove to the Mount of Olives, which Chaim, vol. 1, p. 104. My translation. This principle extends to the rules re- provides a panoramic view of the 2. See “The Orthodox Moment,” Jack garding mourning the Destruction of Temple Mount. As we ripped our gar- Wertheimer, Commentary (February 1999). Jerusalem, which require Jews to tear ments and recited Tehillim, we were 3. Rabbi Yechiel Yaakov Weinberg, their garments if thirty days have inundated with offers for camel rides Seridei Eish, Yoreh Deah 39; Rabbi Ovadiah elapsed since they have seen the deso- and souvenirs. It was a marvelous Is- Yosef, Yabia Omer 6:29, Yechave Da’at 2:29; lation of the cities of Judah and the rael moment. Afterwards, we de- Ben Ish Chai, Shanah Rishonah: Reah 17. site of the Beit Hamikdash. Minors are scended to the Kotel and davened with 4. Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky is re- ported to have held a family melaveh exempted from mourning for the De- my parents, who had traveled from malkah in honor of each of his daughters’ struction, including the requirement Australia for the occasion. Bat Mitzvahs–one in Lithuania and one in 10 to tear their garments. That Friday, Bruria’s great-aunt of- Toronto; Rabbi A.N. Schwartz, founder of After learning these laws, I had the fered to make challah with her. Only the Talmudical Academy in Baltimore, held inspiration that if Bruria viewed the an adult is obligated in “taking chal- a melaveh malkah for his daughter when Temple Mount on the day of her Bat lah,” and Bruria was now able to ex- he was rav in Ukraine. See Margie Pensak, Mitzvah, not having seen it in the pre- empt us all by performing the mitzvah. “Raising the Bar on Bas Mitzvas,” Where vious month, she could publicly mani- Coincidentally, she had just learned What When 19:10 (May/Sivan 5764):102; fest her coming of age by tearing her the Rashi which discusses that taking Rabbi Eliahu Hazan held a shul celebration for bnot mitzvah in Alexandria, 1907. See

I wanted to find a way for Bruria to distinguish the day she became a Bat Mitzvah from any day that came before it.

clothes in mourning. The day before challah in Israel is a Biblical com- “Bat Mitzvah” entry Encyclopaedia her Bat Mitzvah she could not perform mandment, whereas in the Diaspora it Judaica, 2004, Norma Baumel Joseph. this act of mourning, but on the day of is rabbinic. Suddenly, the theoretical 5. Seridei Eish, Yoreh Deah 39. her Bat Mitzvah, it was her obligation discussion came alive in her aunt’s 6. See how this plays a role in the Bar to do so. kitchen, and that Shabbat we had the Mitzvah rituals: Magen Avraham, Orach Chaim 225:4; Rav Moshe, Orach Chaim, vol. Honoring Bruria’s Bat Mitzvah pleasure of being the beneficiaries of 2, p. 97, makes this the lynchpin of the dif- around this observance appealed to us the first mitzvah Bruria performed on ference between the Bat and Bar Mitzvah. all. We would celebrate in Jerusalem. behalf of others. 7. For further discussion of a father’s We would temper our joy with sadness And so Bruria’s Bat Mitzvah was obligation to educate his daughter, see over the Churban, and Bruria would transformed from a single ritual into a Moshe Bleich, “Responding Amen to the avoid a big party and public perform- season of celebration. Following her Blessing of a Minor,” Ten Da’at, vol. XV ance. I planned a family stay in Israel lead, we emphasized the Jewish tradi- (December 2002): 29-31. It is a matter of for a few weeks and even arranged for tion of chesed, helping others in the controversy whether a mother is obligated Bruria to attend school in Jerusalem. Diaspora and in the Land of Israel, in- to educate her children. See, for example, Once we had settled on a meaning- termingling our joy with remembrance Rabbi David Auerbach, Halichot Baita, ful focus for the Bat Mitzvah, Bruria of our losses. Bruria was rewarded chap. 27, no. 4, 5 (Jerusalem, 5743). felt comfortable participating in a with an unexpected welcome from the 8. For a similar analysis, see Rav Moshe, Orach Chaim, vol. 2, p. 97. modest celebratory meal. Inspired by Jerusalem school that hosted her dur- her volunteer work, she asked that our 9. Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 396:3; ing our visit. cf., comments of Taz ad locum, and Pitchei efforts be made within the framework Soon after we returned to the Teshuvah, Yoreh Deah 396:2. of chesed. We sent out invitations that States, I started to think about our son’s 10. Mishnah Berurah, Orach Chaim were hand-made at a workshop em- coming Bar Mitzvah. It will be hard to 561:17. In fact, children might be forbidden ploying individuals with special needs, create any event as complete and as to tear their clothes because of ba’al tash- and Bruria chose two Israeli charities perfectly suited to our dreams as the chit, the prohibition against wanton waste! to which guests could donate instead Bat Mitzvah celebration was. Unless, of See, for a related analysis, Minchat Chinuch of bringing gifts. The themes of chesed course, our son is called to the Torah in 264:34 (Machon Yerushalayim edition, and also became the core of a rebuilt Jerusalem, where swords are [Netanya, 5748]).

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