"Graduating in four years is like leaving a party at ten sober." ~ Ancient wisdom Oil Discovered on Endowment Lands! Tuition could be cut in half!
Bob D. Fibble lar!" said AMS President David Strangway, "The money will gathering place. view at The Pit Pub (next to the Borins. still be used to make student's discovery sight) Tuesday "Hey, Senile Correspondent "And when all the oil has been Borins also released a docu lives better while they are at removed, the land could then thanksh for all the bzzrh. Yeah, VANCOUVER (AP) ment outlining a comprehen UBC. But I don't think we'll see be sold off as condos. Just think anyway, I'm supposhed to go sive development plan for the anything like Mr. Borins is pre of the profit opportunities! It's out there in a few minutesh and uring recent excavation resource and emphatically dicting. prime real estate!" tell everyone that we'll be doing underneath the new pointed out the paragraph in "Fees have to be paid. Taxes an extenshive environmental noodle bar in the An earlier draft of the UBC Oil D the release stating that "essen take their share, and there's the impact shtudy. But that'sh hig- Student Union Building, a con Development Plan proposed tial SUB services such as The Pit university faculty to consider as wish.. hogwast... that'sh just a tract worker was surprised to putting the full size oil rig in Pub will not be affected by this well. I mean, we're not exactly crock to get the environmental- find oil oozing out of the McKinnes Field to preserve the discovery." rich. Well, maybe we are rich, ishts off our back. Heck, for ground near a new pipeline. Student Union Building. This but not that rich." thish much money we'd strip The thick crude "I feel that we can extract the draft was quickly rejected after mine Pashific Shpirit Park. Shay, was coming • u oil without dis Under the UBC Oil it was pointed out that this do I know you? What'sh that from, a previ rupting student Development Plan, drafted and placement of the rig would whirring noishe?" ously unknown life too much." cut by the Ad Hoc Advisory cause a 1% reduction in the seam of oil Woohool" said Borins "By Committee for Policy Analysis speed of oil extraction and on A more detailed breakdown of located below - Dr. Dave Strangwaydrillin g when and Natural Resource account of the fact that the the government's proposed uses the north end the SUB is Assessment (AHACPANR, a new grass is "just so darn pretty." for the proceeds from the oil ii — ,_ closed, between site show that only 2% of all of campus. ————— ; committee) within twenty-four No sooner than UBC's official one and seven revenue would be directed back hours of the discovery, the plan was in the hands of the "I sure as hell was surprised to in the morning, students will at the post-secondary education see it gushing up, but it did entire Student Union Building media, the BC Government notice very little actual differ system and that UBC students mean an early lunch" stated the would be torn to the ground. stepped into the matter claim ence. Except for the fact that would see no benefit at all. worker. Says committee chair Ralph ing that the terms of the the noodle bar will never actu Peterson, "We can't efficiently University Endowment Act of However, it is interesting to AMS executives were very ally open." extract the oil with the current note that over 50% of the rev quick to react. 1921 clearly states that the min Within hours of the AMS's structure still standing. It will eral rights of the land remain enue is to be used for some "I really think that this repre press release, the University of have to be removed to allow the with the BC Provincial thing called 'Forestry Renewal sents a potential solution to British Columbia elegantly erection of a full scale oil rig to Government and that all, if any, Fund Payback.' every student's financial night pointed out that the land on expedite the procedure. It's not development should be con The whole plan was called off mares at UBC. Not to mention which the SUB resides is actual like it's a big lose, I mean, we've ducted qnder the supervision of after a closer analysis of the assured re-election for myself. ly being leased to the AMS and been trying to get rid of that the Ministry of the black fluid determined that it Just think about it! Tuition cut that all mineral rights to the oil SUB for years. We find that stu Environment. wasn't oil at all, but was, in half. Subsidies for on- and still reside with the university. dents are less likely to get orga indeed, stale Pit Bzzr that had off-campus housing! Pie R Hon. Paul Ramsey, BC Minister "Don't get me wrong" stated nized to oppose fee increases seeped through the floor over Squared pizza for under a dol when they have no common of the Environment, stated in UBC President David an exclusive 432 candid inter years of spillage. Liferafts to be Installed in SUB! ^z^ TV r^\. Maurice Spoonbender ~ "It was unlike anything I've When asked if there was a ever seen in my life." states the potential risk to students Roving Correspondent student. "There was this incred attending these events, ibly loud rushing sound and VANCOUVER (SP) Boetzkes replied "Absolutely, then all I could see for a while and that's why SUS is trying to s part of upcoming safety was red. get the fluid from the kegs into renovations to campus, "It was so overwhelming. I the student's stomachs as fast as liferafts, life-preservers A think I'll become an engineer." possible to limit the potential and other floatation devices will for accidents. be installed in both the SUB Events such as the Science Partyroom and Ballroom.for use Undergraduate Society's "But, if something did go in emergency situations that upcoming Oktoberfest routine wrong, the student body has may arise during events held in ly move well over 1,000 litres of our complete assurance that those rooms. soft alcohol into the ballroom we've been trained in the prop a for distribution. er use of the new safety equip "Last year we almost had a ment. I even learned how to tragedy on our hands when a "That's enough refreshments row, neat, huh?" first-year student was nearly to give one thousand people drowned after three kegs over three drinks each," stated SUS Each year, over forty thousand turned near him" says AMS Social Coordinator Mike litres of bzzr is senselessly lost "These birds are getting bolder..." President David Borins. Boetzkes. in spillage related accidents. THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 16 OKTOBER 1996 Greetings Yet another earthlings. editorial
Jennifer Babiak befriend me?" As for myself, it mate's ear, and then pour in a John version of the contest rules. came in second year, finding little water, they'll jump about HALLETT Lots of prizes are waiting to be Sadistic Columnist out my mark for thermodynam six feet in the air and probably won and entry is free, so why ics. Most of us know what it's start banging their head on the not? ith graduation loom like to be relatively young and ground to try to make the Oktoberfest is fast approach ing at the end of this unjaded, to have never failed a excruciatingly loud noise stop. year for me, alternate h, has it been two longs ing, and I thought "Hey,, what W course in your life, to still naive Very entertaining (at least up to weeks already? It seems better way to promote it than to ly looking like a life preserver to ly think of learning as fun, and the point when they do get the a drowning woman, or a gaping Alike only yesterday I was give out free tickets?" then to suddenly find yourself sound to stop and turn toward chasm of unknown depth to a pasting up the last issue at four So, 1 in 900 papers will have a mired in the life-sucking slime you, dripping venom and look in the morning. falling woman, people are of university final exam season. ing for blood...). If you drill bona-fide ticket to Oktoberfest beginning to ask me the dread At some point-your mind snaps, appropriate holes into a plastic Well, time moves forward and hidden somewhere inside! ed question: "So what do you and in this broken, gibbering, funnel (while you're barricaded another issue is out for your What a deal! want to do after this?" To which ceiling-clawing state, you find in your closet waiting for your reading enjoyment. If you're not lucky enough to I keep stubbornly answering, "I (to your surprise) that all that room-mate to stop stabbing the What's new this issue? Well, win a ticket, they can be bought don't know." This is not true of crap they've been teaching you door with that butcher knife), we have lots of new cartoons in SUS or at the door for only course; I know what I want to makes more sense. So this is and put two loops of surgical for you to laugh at, groan at, or $6. do, it's just not socially accept why mad scientists are so bril tubing through them, then find rip out of the paper and set on On page seven, you will find able to say it. Besides, anyone liant, and why all the really a couple of heavy somebody's fire. Just remember, kids, fire = The Drawers of SUS. Those of who says that they know what good mathematicians go insane to use as anchors, you've got a hot. you who are new to UBC may they're doing after they gradu by the time they're thirty. This water balloon cannon that can Dead Giveaway, The 432 Dead not realize that this is a regular ate is either lying, dreaming, or is the trick. There I stood on bomb people two parking lots Pool continues. Look for an feature of The 432 that gives going to grad school (transla that momentous day, quivering away from out of a clear blue update on who's alive and you an inskie look at what's tion: putting off answering the with dread in front of my prof's sky. No one is safe; except you who's not in this issue along going on in SUS. question, and dealing with real door, ready to burst into tears, because you have a good head with a more comprehensive ity, for as long possible): But preparing myself to have failed start. Fire it a little closer to the Enjoy! regardless of what I end up for the first time ever at any person and you can probably doing after I get out of this fine thing. I raised my woeful eyes crack bones. And it is intellectu institution, I do know what I to the marks posted on the door ally stimulating (n'est-ce pas?) want to be. I want to be a mad and...50%? I got 50%? I passed to know that the pteraster tes- scientist. thermodynamics? salatus starfish secretes large amounts of thick, rubbery, poi And I don't mean like the ones I don't really remember much sonous mucus when it is dis we've got around here at UBC, after that; something about turbed (say, by being dropped either. Not that I'm slagging capering up and down the hall onto a sleeping friend's face), them mind you, but a true mad ways, cackling gleefully and and that this type of starfish is scientist could never obtain rep clicking my four-colour keener found on the west coast of utable, gainful employment like pens like maracas, at least until North America. I haven't that. Our profs are pretty cool, some profs tackled me to the caught one yet, but I'm sure though. Some have Einstein floor and sat on me while I that being gone fishing all the hair, some are hard-core experi calmed down (no doubt they time is lulling my room-mates mentalists that have it in their had seen that sort of behaviour into that false sense of security wills already that they want to before and knew how to deal which I find so important to the be buried in their lab coats. I with it). And I knew right then enjoyment of the final out Scientists photograph the elusive 'humour' gene. know of at least one that can that I wanted to be a mad scien come. tell you first hand how sticking tist. your head between the big mag Think of all the cool stuff you Electricity is a wonderful thing nets at Triumf makes bright too, but it bites back a little too lights flash in front of your not only get to know about, but get to implement. often. Always take precautions: eyes, and another that writes attach one end of a piece of pun-laden poems and sticks his If you mix ammonia and string to yourself and the other hand into molten lead to iodide crystals, you get a purple end to the plug when you're demonstrate how if you do it precipitate that is stable when working with the juice. That fast enough, and preferably it's wet and goes boom! when it way, when you electrocute with sweaty palms, it doesn't dries out (good-bye, neigh yourself, the spasming of your burn you (he's my hero). But bour's cat). If you feed seagulls body will jerk the plug out no, as fine a flock of nutty pro enough alka seltzer, they blow (works well when you're doing fessors as UBC has, I don't see up too (you can get arrested for it for personal recreation too; myself as one of them. I aspire that, be forewarned). I used to keeps you from lighting your instead to be one of those Tesla- work with a guy who had once self on fire as often). brilliant, maniacally grinning, made some diamonds out of (I "I just built a death-ray; let's am not making this up) Skippy See? It's so much more fun to find a really tall tower in a pop peanut butter. Apparently, once use your powers for evil. ulous area to climb" types. you get the temperature and Welcome to the imaginary axis! pressure right, you can make May you cross and recross the It's surprisingly easy to decide line between sanity and mad to become a mad scientist. Not man-made diamonds out of just about anything that has a high ness so many times, you all but just because some twisted little rub it out. part of your psyche has been enough carbon content. Like, screaming since kindergarten "I for example, that English prof know they're not teaching me who thinks anyone that knows Jen hasn't been taking her med the good stuff! When do I find what a force diagram is must be ication lately. We're all rather out how to blow up the neigh illiterate. Cackle, cackle, cackle! scared by this. MAN-made diamonds! bour's cat?" or "Wouldn't it be -ed. Somehow Billy knew that he wasn't going to pass fun to start a campaign of terror If you pour crushed alka seltzer against those foolish enough to tablets into a sleeping room Chemistry lab this year...
BUI Clinton Lukes, Tracy MacKinnon, Blair All views expressed are strictly strict deadline requirements John Hallett McDonald, Kathryn Murray, those of the individual writers. and should not exceed 700 ([email protected]) MicahReid, Jason Robillo, not If you wish to take legal action words. All submissions must Matt Wiggin against them, by all means, do make the editor chuckle at least Various Bob Doles Campaign Platform (mostly lies) so. But, be warned that they are thrice and have your real name Mikey Boetzkes, Phil Ledwith, politicians, and have the vast attached (legal stuff) before Jeremy Thorp The 432, if elected, promises to legal resources of both the being printed. not only cut taxes, but to also Republican and Democratic Republican Party Press The 432 does not support Bob be the official publication of Parties at their disposal. All Dole for the US Presidency. We College Printers, Vancouver, BC the Science Undergraduate rights reserved The 432 1996 Society. It would be printed don't support Bill Clinton Voters twice monthly from our cam Writers and columnists from all either. In fact, we feel the VOLUME TEN ISSUE FOUR Tessa Arnold, Jen Babiak, Doug paign headquarters beneath faculties are encouraged to sub whole world would just be bet 16 OKTOBER 1996 Beleznay, Jay Garcia, Leslie the Chemistry Building. mit material to The 432. ter off if the US was run by a Gold, Jake Gray, Kathy Lo, Matt Submissions must meet the mink. - 16 OKTOBER 1996 THE FOUR THIRTY Two It, ifc ) A lesson learned from love.
Leslie Gold was no longer pleasurable for the course of our relationship, generally things end for a rea and no bald-headed, skinny- either of us. Again, in my and the blister spots I had got son and just because lots of legged, bio-chem geek is going No foot fetish. Really! defense, to continue our rela ten where they had rubbed me time has passed, it doesn't to stop me, even if they have tionship would only have (mental note: spend less time the wrong way healed. My mean that those reasons have. been writing for this paper resulted in both of us getting writing the article and more time point being that by the time my Matt says that I can't end there longer than I have. And even if hurt... they were coming apart thinking of less cheesy, less relationship with the Reeboks because it's too serious and not I am using their computer to at the seams and I was getting a cliched titles) was over, the Nikes and I had in the spirit of The 432 but I say write this." nasty case of shin splints. become fairly close friends. Our "piss off Matt, I'm tired and I o, in my defense, our rela Enter the Reebok ERS 3000, Goodnight. relationship was strictly platon- want to go to bed and if I want tionship was mostly over stable heel counter, forefoot ic, we'd go to class together or to have a serious ending I will Swhen I left my Nike cushioning, fully board lasted, else we'd go window shopping Pegasus's for the brand new pair aesthetically pleasing and on downtown, we'd hang out, like of shiny Reebok ERS 3000. We sale for $69.99. Okay come on, old times but we never crossed The Faculty of Science Presents (me and the Nikes) had been tell me honestly that you could the line, we kept our relation together for longer than was have passed them up. So it ship on a non-running plane. A lecture Series really natural or healthy. came to be that my Nikes were This is the part where I screw Although it was only one of a for Ml Science relegated to the closet and I, a up. I really cannot defend my myriad relationships, it was the little shook, a little heartbroken actions from here on. Without a most memorable; it was the UndefgradBates and very much on the rebound pair of real running shoes in my first. took up with the Reeboks. life, I found I was really missing It's new and it's for yon! We met in high school and hit In terms of trouble-filled rela running... a lot. I really really it off right away. I'm not embar tionships, it was one. Right felt like I needed the occasional rassed to admit that the physi from the start cooperation was satisfying run. So it came to be cal part of our relationship was basically zero. The problem was that the Nikes and I crossed the COMMERCIALIZING SCIENTIFIC the most important. The run that I am a biomechanically line. We began to run together ning that happened between us efficient runner and the again. It was the end of what was nothing short of mind- INNOVATION Reeboks (well, bear in mind could have been a long friend blowing (especially considering that you are only getting my, ship. Apparently the Nikes were that it was both of our first - A dangerous Hot exciting endeavour" obviously biased, side of the still stinging from the abuse of times). Our relationship wasn't story) were just too controlling. our relationship and were still only physical though, we really They were hard, rigid and unable to give me the kind of liked hanging out together and unforgiving. I felt like I had no support I needed. Borderline watching TV or even just bum A Science First! Lecture by say in the relationship whatso shin splints turned into severe ming around the mall. ever. The relationship fizzled stress fracture and I was out of Dr. Lome Whitehead Whatever we did we always felt quickly. action for the rest of the season. Department of Physics and Astronomy very comfortable together. The Nikes suffered as well, Meanwhile, while I had been, But,as is sadly the case with although the time apart had ahem, getting acquainted with Thursday, 17 October 1996 most monogamous relation done them some good, the the Reeboks, the Nikes and I 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. ships, things began to fall apart. underlying damage was still had taken some time apart. there and they wound up IRC Lecture Hall 6 Suddenly my Nikes no longer However, after awhile they rid offered me the support and sta falling apart completely. themselves of the foul stench PARTICIPATE bility that they always had and caused by the many miles we So that's my sordid tale. What after those went, the running had been through together in I've taken away from it is that QUESTI0NS7 CHLL BZZ-9B76 Time management.
advanced physics in play that on this paper. Not so bad. But I Wine Drinker." As much as we can't know everything. If you're keep me on the ground aren't somehow manage to use up would like to be like the Greeks, still confused about exactly why necessary for my day to day life. over sixteen hours a day doing we would actually have to read your feet are stuck to the In fact, the only situation that I these things. I can't figure it the material. And that whole ground instead of spinning can think of where knowing out. I've tried the whole 'sched scenario just reeks of effort. freely two hundred feet over exactly how gravity works ou know, there are certain ule every minute of you life' idea, Next! head, don't worry about it. Just things in this life that might affect things would be if I and I saved over fifteen hours in be glad that your shoes think Ymystify me completely. were a cartoon character hang a week. That's on paper, of Solution Two. that the ground is a particularly It's not that these things are ing in mid-air off of a cliff. And course. It doesn't apply to real Consult experts. good thing to hold on to. in thaf case, knowing how grav life, especially when you throw unknown to mankind in gener Pros: They say that ignorance ity works might not be such a out the paper shortly after com Let's face it, as smart and con al, just unknown, or at least not ceited as we may be, there are is bliss, but I haven't the foggi understood, to me personally. valued piece of knowledge. pleting your schedule. Enough about gravity. lots of things in this world that est idea who 'they' are. Things like "Why gravity "So what am I trying to say?" we don't know that other folks Regardless, it is rather pleasing works?", for instance. We've all There are other things that I You might ask. I'm saying that specialize in not only knowing, to sit on our collective rump accepted the trend that when just don't understand. Like the there are relatively simple but also delight in nibbing that twiddling our thumbs all day. you drop things, they tend to concepts of effective budgeting things in life that seem to elude fact in our collective faces. In fact, we could take a lesson and time management People even the most scholarly of us from the ancient Greeks and fall downward. With a few Pros: There's something to be that know me will be slowly all. So what can we do about it? drink wine, too! Talk about notable exceptions (birds go said about letting other people nodding their heads as they Let's take a look. bliss! sideways, bullets go up, and do all the research for you. In feathers kinda move all over the read this, but the rest of you aren't blessed (or cursed, Solution One. fact, there are large institutions Cons: After a little of this, Dan place), this rule applies evenly established around this country Quayle-level questions start to to everything we might depends on how you look at it) Learn it all. with this knowledge. So, here's for just such a purpose. UBC is become legitimate challenges encounter in our daily lives. But Yes, all of it. Everything you one such institution. If you and you begin to think of have you ever stopped to con a quick summary of my finan don't know. If something puz cial situation and current sched don't know something about Homer Simpson as a peer. This sider why? Can you actually zles you, sit down with a book Stellarmagnetphyrdodynamics just can't do. explain how come things move ule. and read until you find the (it's a real field of Physics, trust Solution Four. in the direction of each other? I I ran out of money last week. answer. me), just knock on your Prof.'s know that items of mass will Now, when most people say door {until s/he answers and Give up and move to a accelerate towards each other at Pros: This is what the ancient; that they've run out of money, Greeks used to do. Well/ they question him/her to your hearts deserted Caribbean island a rate proportional to their they mean that their flow of content. where you will survive by respective masses. But why? (All didn't actually read everything spending cash has slowed to a in sight because most reference collecting shellfish during you physics majors just shut up Cons: When somebody has trickle. I've run out of money. books available today hadn't the day and trading rare for this one.) something you want, say In fact, I have no food and five even been thought of yet. They; plants for manufactured knowledge, and you are contin dollars to last me until my next mostly sat around all 4a%&farik goods with the overwhelm How come when I let go of ually bugging Ihem for it, it's paycheck, which is a few weeks wine, and theorized what might ingly attractive all-female something, say a fruit salad, it only a matter of time before away. Don't worry, I'll survive. be right without haying to go to local population at night. doesn't take all it's rich vitamins they figure but exactly how Lots of people in and around all that unnecessary bother of and fruity goodness skyward? much money they can make by Pros: 'miff said. Kerrisdale happen to have veg actually proving anything. (Although I admit, one day it charging for giving it to you. Cons: Can't think of any, real just might. I'm prepared for it. etable gardens and I happen to have lots of black clothes. Cons: Okay, it's an attractive Let's try something more cost ly. I believe that we have a win Are you?) idea, I'll admit. But I'm afraid effective. ner. The plane leaves at ten, see As for my schedule, it doesn't I've resigned myself to not that it's hard to make a living in Solution Three. you there! knowing these mysteries in my seem too bad. I have a few class today's world with an occupa lifetime. I've decided that a es, some time spent at work, tion title of 'Theoretical Accept it. deep understanding of the and some time spent working Philosopher and Full Time It's time to face the music. We *. 4 * » i i * f » iSHIUHHUtitt) .f -f f rf-< ( i- * i i 4 * » t ' 4 PACE 4 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 16 OKTOBER 1996 Mountain climbing. A Quick Comparison. Have you noticed how the bottom of those Arts County Fair mugs has been hour tour, it just happened to Really. Territorially protective Jake the Treehugger sneaking skyward over the past few years? Well, we at the Science Undergrad take that long, really. So it was sheep and young men on the Society nave had enough. Not at all normal n't raining when we left, it was side of a mountain is not con actually quite nice out, slight ducive to the interests of either We're introducing the new Industry Standard in BEvERage distribution ou know it's going to be a breeze, blue sky dotted by the the sheep or the young men on technology: the 22oz Science Mug. bad trip if it's raining occasional wispy cloud, crisp the side of a mountain. Now big And just to give you an idea of how big 22oz is, we've provided this handy- Ywhen you leave, or if the mountain air stinging the lungs horn sheep are well named, dandy illustration of where a full mug from our competitors would fill our mushrooms turn blue while the oh so gently, and a nice big they have really big, really hard 22ozmugto. sky turns white, but that's a storm cloud coming up from horns. Sheep are supposed to be completely different story. the south. So, off we go oblivi timid happy little creatures Actually, it's sort of the same ous to the impending down which munch on lichen and story. pour looming on the horizon. leave glossettes for the passers Anyway, my and my friends You know, you'd be surprised by, they're not supposed to one day in August decided it at the plethora of life which chase you down a narrow path would be a good idea to venture abounds on the border of the poking their large horns up forth and snowboard on the heavens. I'd like to go on a field your caboose. They're also sup illustrious Mount Baker Glacier. trip up there for some botany posed to be superlatively
Dead Pool. What a deal! just want to extend a cold worth mentioning here are Xiaoping, by the way; every and clammy hand to all Alan Downes, British TV cam body knows that he is dead, but Ithose sick and twisted people eraman (Yay! a Brit! National it doesn't count until he is who actually went and handed pride stirs) and mystery writer declared officially dead). me a list this past fortnight. Mignon Good Eberhart have Bella, "Various Kennedy's" is There were, in fact, quite a lot of also died this week. not a person. I will publish a list Find Great Research you; so many that I can't list the In addition, sources have come of Kennedy's by the next issue, entries in* this tiny little space up with the following fast facts and you can choose one name Data in Patents! the Editor gave me. What I can to ponder: Tiny Tim has suf from the list. Similarly, you do is give you an update on: ferred a stroke and is presently can't have "anyone who flies The Latest Deaths. said to be in critical condition, with Valu-Jet" as a name. To the Pope recently had to cut clarify this further, I will be In the last two weeks, Robert Drop-in tutorials in patent short his trip to france due to publishing a full list of famous Bourassa, famous Quebec illness. Boris Yeltsin's heart dead people in the Hallowe'en searching using CD-ROM and seperatist, finally found the ulti surgery has been postponed, issue, along with causes of mate way not to be a part of rumours report he is considered death. As a final note, the extra Free Online databases. Canada any more. Robert Cray too sick to undergo the opera- ordinary prediction has to also has gone to that great Mondays/Thursdays • 5:30 to 7:30 PM tion at this time. involve a death. I didn't make printed circuit board in the sky. this entirely clear when I Tuesdays •1:30 to 3:30 PM Inventor of the Cray Super A couple of points of clarifica opened the pool, and if this computer, Cray's death is specu tion came up while reading the affected your entry in any way PATSCAN Service, Science Division lated to be due to natural caus submissions to date. First of all, Main Library please feel free to re-submit a es. His internal processor finally Elvis is dead, whatever I may prediction. I'm sorry, Jason, to became obsolete. Actor and one say in my other column. Okay, you especially, because I really time producer for the Tracy maybe he's not dead; reports liked your prediction. Ullman Show, Ted Bessel has vary. But he's oflcially dead, and died at age 61. Cause of death is that's what counts. (This is the Anyway, that's it for this issue. yet to be determined. Also same rule that we use for Deng Don't fear the Reaper. Oktoberfest ticket? Sorry. You and 899 others lose. Try ripping apart every 432 you see, until you wind up tear ing a ticket into two useless halves. Or you could be more careful. The tickets are out there in 1
out of every 900 papers. Really! Trust us on this one. "I wonder where all the green tree worm things went?" r,>F)iH <•. ' K ktofcerfet FEATURING THE HARD ROCK MINERS CHEAP BZZR & 22 OZ MUGS TIX $6 AT CHEM B160 OR AT THE DOOR FRIDAY, OCT 18 SUB BALLROOM 8- 12 PM 1 P*K6 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 16 OKTOBER 1996 Just donut. Free stuff! number of times the word 'bzzr' Phil Ledwith out of it's still unopened con those calories, slowly piling up s if we weren't giving tainer. It's through disasters like on that already legendary away enough cool stuff will appear in the next issue of Very Thin Correspondent this that I came to the conclu frame, did something incredi Athis issue. But the The 432, write that number sion that there must be such a ble. I think that Elvis managed almighty editor decided that we down and submit it with your t's official. Dieting makes thing as negative food. to evolve into godhood by eat needed to give away even name, phone number and you stupid. I read the article ing donuts. One day, as I see it, email (if applicable) to the Basically put, Bamboo shoots, more free stuff. in Shape magazine. he was chowing down on his editor before the next I riddacio, Pie R Squared pizza So, what kind of stuff is 312th jelly donut with sprinkles deadline. Okay, I didn't actually read the and granola are under the cate up for grabs? Well, letsee... when a vision came to him, and article myself. I was told about gory of negative food in my dic there's SUS 22oz Bzzr Mugs! The person with the clos ten minutes later he was in the the article by a really well tionary. You know what I There's Official 432 T-Shirts! est answer wins! It's that simple! bathroom trying to figure out respected and reliable friend mean? I'm sure you know what And bzzr for your new mug! how to fake his own death And just in case you haven't who is always very careful to get I mean. What I mean is that you while checking to see whether What do you do? It's simple! figured it but yet, the big 21 is her facts right. And who secret eat them, and then you get to there was anything still edible All you have to do is guess the the-number of times bzzr is in ly wants to be Tank Girl. Hmm. feel more hungry/Negative in there from yesterday. this issue. Okay, well, I know someone, food. Watch out for it. It makes and She's pretty smart and only you stupid. If you still doubt me, consider a little crazy, and she told me this: statistically speaking, Elvis about this article and it proba Doesn't it make so much appears most often in a Seven yoxxcAN yowfce bly does exist, you know, sense? I think it really clears up a lot of things. I mean, before I Eleven store. Well, of course he s. srtmi/ -TH* -roNin-ecToMy, •'- because hey, who would make does. The only people who are NOT j.JMrtH, THE v*izvr*t4y ? that sort of thing up? Besides I had this gem of wisdom placed before me, there were so many ever going to see The King are really liked Tank Girl myself, the the sort of people who are especially the rippers. This still things I couldn't understand. I just couldn't wrap them round prepared and willing to under barely not fictional article go the ordeal of eating one of apparently argued that dieters my brain. Like, California, ya know? It's just, like, Toootally those strange near-food deli do not get enough nutrients to items that get sold in all night their brains at the right time. By amaazing, dude. I used to won der how it was possible for stores. There's some special this logic, Homer Simpson is Up nutrient that goes into Seven there with Aristotle as one of Californians and other normal simians, such as you and I, to Eleven burritos that medical sci the smartest men that ever ence hasn't come across yet. But lived. share the same gene pool. I used to accidentally hit across an they will, yessirreee bob, and Isn't this just great? Of course, episode of Baywatch and give when they do Jimmy Hoffa's we always knew that Homer an involuntary shudder as I gonna turn up pretty quick let was pretty smart. realized that there were actually me tell ya. We'll know all the answers on that day. Maybe I always knew, somewhere people like this in real life. (Except the accents are worse. Elvis will appear in person to all deep down in my soul, that of us, Hostess Twinkie™ in dieting was wrong. There is no Ever noticed (I'm sure you have) that tooootally Bill and hand, and lead us on to our good reason why perfectly nor higher destiny. Which I'm sure mal human beings should be Ted way of saying certain words? You actually have to involves a couple of gallons forced to live like rabbits. Ok, so whipped cream, masking tape, sometimes in the lab you wish start the word with a capital let ter, because it so Toooooootally and a.... no, I'd better not say. you were a rat because their life Until that day, of course, we seems easier, but this really is a sounds like that. Like, gag me Post-surgery trauma. with a rubber spoon.Dude.) have to make do with the fridge temporary phenomenon. About stains that are interpreted for us as temporary as the nourish And they were actually on the same continent as I was. God, it by the faithful as being images ment that can be obtained from of "The King". eating little more than the was scary. Like, you know, dude, leaves and roots of a few really penguins look Toooootally just like And let's not forget Homer. CALENDAR Oi EVENTS ugly looking plants. birds. Only, like, underwater, you You know, I think I'd better get know? How comforting to real to the store before the news Occasionally, because I am ize that they really are a product breaks and they run out of basically at heart a really vain Oct. 18 Due date to register for Standard of their own weird environment donuts. And if you find any of person, I have felt the urge to First Aid - a course with St. John's and my kids need never turn that green rabbit food stuff in control my eating habits. It's out like that as long as I am able your freezer, don't give it to me. Ambulance! ($98.00 members, always the same. I'll get this to feed them. From now on, I eat healthy. $100.00 non-members - needs sudden resolve: "I know", I'll say, "why don't I turn over a It even explains Elvis, yes, to be in by 2pm) new leaf? Yeah, that's what I'll Elvis, you know, white shirt, do. I'll stop writing dumb arti sequins, "Thank you. Thank Oct. 31 Due date for $50.00 deposit for cles for student newspapers at 3 you very much".Elvis. I've the Annual Ski Trip to Big White! o clock in the morning, I'll get a worked it out. See, if dieting decent night's sleep for a makes you stupid, then eating more makes you smarter. change, I'll go to all my classes S'V^le Bond: *^ Nov. 21 Lecture with Dr. Carter, Dean of on time for whatever's left of (Unless you're name is Rush UBC's Medical School Admissions. the year. I'll never go out wast Limbaugh; then you don't Will be at 12:30 in WOOD 2. ing my money on drink again, count). At the end there, you and I'll learn to eat healthy know, Elvis was getting pretty food." large. It's no secret I think that Nov. 29 Ski Trip balance of $159.00 due. some donut companies would ttg± «u!T/l«if|'6'' These experiments always end now be out of business were it Voowsi with me staring drunkenly into Jan. 10-12 Off to Big White! not for the selfless dedication of my fridge at 3 am to examine one famous singer from what looks suspiciously like a Memphis. And I think that all new lifeform slowly climbing Bonding for Babies
GooOlOEA: WALKING tbuR. BADIDEA: WOKXIK/£ YOUR All submissions to The 432 must NEKJHSOITS DOG be in Chemistry B160 no later than:
23 Oktober 1996 4:32pm
Submissions should not exceed 700 words in length and should be submitted in both hard and soft copy forms. Please avoid use of prose that make us want to wash our eyes out with soap after reading it. 16 OKTOBER 1996 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO PAGE? ) The drawers of SUS
Tracy MacKinnon Doug Beleznay Mikey Boetzkes President Director of Finance Social Coordinator Tohn, the grumpy editor guy, changed the deadline on us so o it's the beginning of Oktober, (actually the middle by the ell this is the second I now we have to submit our articles a full two days earlier than time you read this), and I'm finally writing my first exec time that I'm writing | usual. He must think that he deserves the long weekend off, or Sreport. So what took me so long you might ask, well, suffice it Wthis report for this Jmething. (Actually, Trac, the paper needs to be at the printers two to say that I've been a bit busy. issue. John complained about days earlie'r, so we're working at 4am Friday instead of Monday. ChangeRes t assured that your money is in good hands, though (the AMS the last one; something about it is good, -ed.) holds onto all the money until the end of Oktober, so I don't get being incoherent or something., Upcoming in SUS this month are SUS elections, although the only to touch it till then... right now we're operating on a loan). And the I don't know but it seemed pret contested position is Microbiology Department Rep. We're also year is getting off to a good start. ty coherent at the time. I don't having our Oktoberfest on Oktober 18th in the SUB from 8 P.M. to remember anything about Entertainment book sales went... well, uh, actually they didn't, Midnight - the Hard Rock Miners will be playing and SUS steins will being incoherent. really. We managed to sell 9 books... maybe next year. make their debut. A SUS stein is a 22 oz. mug (Arts mugs are a mere Anyway, to sum up my previ 14 oz.), and they'll be filled at every SUS event for the price of one T-Shirts, however, are going like hot-cakes. Earlier this month we ous attempt, our next bzzr gar bzzr ticket, from now to eternity, and after (thanks, Orin). had a limited run of a Special Edition SUS T-Shirt and they sold out den is on the 18th of Oktober Don't forget to sign up for Longboat teams (you'll get a 50% within two days. Look for another one near the end of this month. which happens to be this rebate if you sign up under Science)! Also coming up in time for Oktoberfest, 22 oz Bzzr Mugs, and we'll Friday. Now call it a coinci be filling them for you at all SUS bzzr gardens for only one ticket. Another tidbit of interest to science students, is that we have not dence, but it happens to be yet been able to collect the fee increase of $2 that passed by refer Clubs, a reminder that Oktober 24, 6:00 PM is the deadline to get called Oktoberfest. Now we endum last year. We had our results approved by AMS council at your club budgets and membership lists in to me. I won't be able couldn't hold a bzzr garden the same meeting as Engineering and Law, and while their results to extend the deadline this year because of the new system for dis called pktoberfest unless we found their way to the Board of Governors, ours did not. Thus, our bursing fees. Call me or leave me a note in SUS if you have any followed the age old German fee increase was not collected, but we were not told us this until questions. tradition of having lots and lots and lots and lots of bzzr (psider September 27th, 1996. This begs the question does the AMS hate Oh, and I should probably tell you what's happening with the is available for those of you who us, or are they just incompetent? Well, I was talking to an EUS rep fees. Most of you remember the referendum we had last year to have that preference). and he mentioned that one of their fees wasn't collected a few raise the Science fee from $10 to $12. Well anyway, we passed that years ago, and a past president of the Medical Undergraduate on to the AMS and they were supposed to implement it this year On top of that (which is pretty Society told me that this also happened to Medicine a few years (We had even budgeted counting on all the money). Well, it turns hard to beat) we have the Hard ago. You decide. out that the AMS sort of forgot to pass it on to the Board of Rock Miners playing for us. Put This is the part of the article where I desperately try to think of Governors, which means that the fees weren't introduced, which those together and what have something to say so my article isn't minute. Of course, it's hard to sort of means we're in trouble. So as a result they will be voting to you got? Well the last time I really get excited about my article when it appears that no one retroactively collect this fee at the next meeting (we hope), so stay checked that would make for a reads it. Hey, I'll have a contest to see if anyone reads my article tuned. . great party. This one is going to (John has contests all the time, after all). So if you're the first per last from 8 till 12. Tickets will son to tell me the name of the band at Oktoberfest (and if you Phil Ledwith ' be $6 and can be bought in aren't a SUS hack), I'll buy you a SUS bzzr stein and a bzzr to go in External Vice President advance from the SUS office it! Hurrah! I feel much better now. Hopefully someone will read (Chem B160) or for those of you this so they can claim their prize. I'm around a lot. Please respond. et me first of all say that I like cheesecake. I'm now going to who still can't figure out the Can I possibly sound any more needy? Probably, but I don't want tell you about a lot of people who have absolutely no respect room labeling in Chemistry, to sink that low, so be a sport and enter my little contest. Lfor cheesecake. Terrible people. Humourless people. The sort tickets will be available at the door. Tracy has the easiest executive report of them all to write. She just of people I'm talking about here are the sort of people who didn't steals everyone else's reports. All that and she gets to go first in the find anything funny in Bob Dole's presidential debate with Bill This event will also be used for paper, there-by making everyone else look bad. Don't buy it. Clinton. The sort of people who, when Homer Simpson finally the unveiling of the new topped 300 lbs and qualified for disability allowance as a "person Science bzzr steins. We Science -ed. of weight", went to look up the rules on disability allowance students have had enough of instead of cry tears of joy for the birth of a folk hero. I'm talking these little 14 and 16 ounce Blair McDonald about the people who made Science Week stay in the third week cups that are usually sold. This Senator of January. is why we are going to be selling I'm talking about the SAC. wonderfully complete 22oz f you're a thrill-seeker, the Senate is not the place for you. After steins. Now that is a decent size. all, a body dedicated to the "academic governance of the This is a story with its heroes. One of them, sadly, is only the IUniversity" isn't likely to be found doing the Macarena in some singer in a band, but one of them is a sound guy. There are Mikey's previous report attempt seedy downtown bar. At least not most of its members. Heroines. They bring toffee from Heaven. (Thank You Angela), was composed on about 16oz of there are God-like Beings called Sue. And, of course, there are those whiskey. See why I complained? So, once a month, I attend at least two meetings: the first on the evil slimy slinky things that crawl through the night and steel your -ed. Monday before Senate with the other student senators, and the sec bzzr. Worse still, there are The Lowest of the Low who don't want ond, an interminable Senate meeting on a Wednesday where the you to have any bzzr at all. These are the SAC. (did I mention that Kathy Lo primary motivation seems to be rubber stamping decisions made they wouldn't let us have Science Week in the fourth week of behind closed doors. January? eeeeevil). This is the story of The Bookings Lineup. First Year Representative Actually, decisions are primarily made by committee: the Senate loves committees. Committees of every size, shape and colour, In the dawn of time, when the world was young, there was SUB he truth is, we don't have including a new Ad Hoc Committee to review academic advising Bookings. SUB Bookings are done by Sue, She of the Mighty Vorpal a report right now. But if on campus. Pen. Sue is actually pretty amazing, as well as being all-powerful. Tyou're in first year No, I am not sucking up. Because everybody and their dog wants Science, read on if the First Year This Ad Hoc has yet to form; that's still a month or so away. So, in to book rooms in the SUB, it was decreed that mortals should wait Committee sounds remotely the meantime, I'm trying to get as many thoughts from students outside and line up for appointment cards, which Sue would interesting to you. about academic advising. Primarily, this is to understand the issue bestow upon the chosen few who could survive the vigil of wait Hi, we're your First Year better: how many science students use advising, how content are ing. they, etc, etc ad infinitum. Once the committee forms, these opin Representatives for 1996-1997, ions can be presented and worked into the final decisions. Don't From within the halls of the sub I hear again the voices of the Kathy Lo and Edrick Yu. Our job expect results anytime soon: Senate is notorious for running slow. damned: consists of representing your I expect this to be a three year process. Okay, so, there's this girl, Karyn, and I've no idea where she's from or interests on the Science Council. Last we heard, we Second thing: convocation ceremonies are now scheduled for the who the other girl sitting opposite me is, but she's sleeping on theBahaus organize first-years only events new Chan Center (the tin can) at the north end of campus. It's couch that I dragged away from SUS several dozen conversations ago. like movie nights and stuff. unclear what this will actually mean to Science students. The Sitting on the floor in front of me, next to the 51 cards, 30 cups of still We're not sure what's happen doomsayers are screaming that we'll only be able to have two warm 3-hour-old McChocolate, 8 Map-sacs, 5 rain jackets, and 3 shoes, ing this year, so this is where guests {I've heard four, not two), and faculties will have more than is an almost empty 1.14 litre bottle of Seagram's Whisky. you come in. Two people doth one ceremony. This means very little to Science; we already have I want to give some credit to the noble few who stuck it out with not a First Year Committee multiple ceremonies. I think this might be a good thing, if they can me through that night of terror, even though most of them were make, so if you're looking for a figure out the guest problem. Since some people only bring one or rat-arsed before the night was halfway oyer and I never did actual great way to pad your resume, two guests, why not reallocate those tickets to other students? At ly get to go home at any point; this is it. any rate, the Chan Centre is supposedly a beautiful venue, and should be more impressive than a beat up old gymnasium hung Mikey, Jer, John, ScottjsndAi^l^ deserve the highest mention as Come down to Chem B160 with cheap blue and gold banting. I'll keep you posted. they stuck it out the forigest. Anna/Kiin, Taryn, Bella, Jake and and give us a shout if you're Dillon deservethanks for stopping by, especially Taryn and Dillon That's about all I have to report for the last two months. Like I interested. Leave us a message who were arts students and managed to make it when some of my (we're trying to get a box) or said, Senate moves with all the alacrity of an anemic snail. If you other execs didn't even have two minutes for us. Thanks to all have any comments, questions, opinions - I want to hear them. bug one of the executive about these wonderful heroic people, this never happened: us. Or holler anytime, in class, ^ Contact me at SUS (CHEM B160) or email me at out of class, if you have any [email protected] Thanks for recording this, Scott. It's over now, I'm really knack ered, and I have nothing more to say. This article is too damn long concerns. We look forward to Blair is a member of the most elite club on campus: the ex-editors of anyway. Go home. Have some cheesecake. meeting you and possibly work The 432 club. Me? Seeing as I'm only a current editor and not an ex- ing with you this year. Hey, editor, I just get to buy them drinks and bring them fresh towels. This really happened. I was in the line-up from freshly opened until 0.5 litres remaining. It was an interesting experience. You should try it.you'r e only in first year once, -ed. why not make the most of it. -ed. PACES THE FOUR THIRTY Two 16 OKTOBER 1996 < Who is Bob Dole, exactly?
Jeremy prozac. There's a difference. something very important to face it — Bob Dole cannot pos receiving from Industrial Light discuss with you." At this point, sibly be a real person. As far as I and Magic. THORP "I'm Bob Dole. I don't care can tell, he's a masterpiece of 52a about the approval ratings. he notices the sign on the podi Now, if the Republicans would Animatronix (well, they didn't Americans will make their um. If you look carefully, you just catch on to the general ever get that one arm just right, IwMi choice when they make it to the can see his eyebrows raise ever- public's Data-spawned love for so-slightly, in surprise. "I'm Bob but...) hand-crafted in George f you don't have control of ballot boxes." androids, they may actually Dole! I'm going to lower taxes Lucas' special effects studio. your own bodily functions, have a chance. Dress Bob up in Now, this is a man with a seri 15%." Uh-oh, he's fading. One Word is, he'll be in the next Star you should not, under any a Starfleet uniform, have him I ous identity crisis. Most of his more look at the podium. "I'm Wars movie ("Obe Wan, it is circumstances, gain control of a walk a bit more deliberately and sentences begin with 'I'm Bob Bob Dole!" That's just great Bob. your destiny....l'm Bob Dole!") major nuclear power. paint his face an even pastier Dole.' Yeah, we know you're You're doing just fine. and he's already booked for Thankfully,, the American peo shade of white. Have Jack Kemp Bob Dole. The American popu Cocoon 3: Somebody Stop the ple seem to realize this, and it Personally. I think it would be wear a stupid-looking visor, and lation may have an average IQ Pain. The Republicans,, appar looks as though the chances of a pretty funny practical joke to have them beam into press con considerably less than a baker's ently, conceded defeat long ago, Bob Dole winning the presiden replace the sign oil his podium, ferences in a shimmering field dozen, but even monkeys show and are only actually running a cy are about par with those of with one reading.: of tin-foil. signs of basic face recognition. candidate in the elections for Spiro Agnew rising from his And Bob Dole's is one face you YOU'RE MARTHA STEWART. the sponsorship money they're Hey, it's worth a try. newly excavated grave to join can't easily forget (trust me, I've "The American people need Mr. Dole in a canola oil twister tried.) My personal theory is party in the Oval office. strong, responsible leadership. that Bob Dole doesn't really The Republican party can pro This man scares me (not Spiro know he's Bob Dole. I mean, vide our fine country with four Agnew — though perhaps if I he's 78 years old, for crying out years of prosperity and well- did come face to face with his loud. When I'm that old, I'm being. I'm Martha Stewart!" walking corpse I may be a bit sure I won't be able to remem Now that would make an inter disconcerted.) He'll scare you as ber my own name. I can't esting headline. Not that I don't well — just take a few minutes remember my own phone num think Martha would make an to watch one of the over-publi ber now, and I've got plenty of excellent leader of the free cized Presidential debates. time to go until the Depends world — I'm sure she could man comes knocking. "I'm Bob Dole, and I'll reduce draft a Middle-eastern peace taxes by 15%." So, in order to help the old guy accord out of banana peels,, out, his campaign managers (or while paving the Whitehouse Yeah, right. I think you forgot parking lot with left-over saran- to carry the three. perhaps Jack Kemp,, though I'm not sure he can even tie his wrap. But a senile old fart who "Bob Dole will bring America shoes without permission,) thinks he's Martha Stewart — into the 21st century." have taped a large message on 'that could spell trouble (not to Heck, why not, he brought 'em his podium. mention serious mental damage to Mrs. Dole.
Finally, The 432 has come up with a contest to appeal to the morbid little f (expletive deleted)er in each of us. The rules are simple: You contact us with a list of fifteen people who have had the extreme bad taste not to join the choir invisible yet. We keep the list, and every time time someone on it kicks the bucket you get a point. They can not die before midnight Nov. 1 because that's when the competition starts, but anyone can join at any time after that. When we publish the last 432 we will print the winners and give them prizes beyond their wildest dreams. Entry is completely free, and at the very least you will win tickets to the Arts County Fair: What have you got to lose? Only fif teen stupid names, and most of them are well on their way, anyhow. You may be having trouble thinking of people at this point, so here's the official 432 hotlist of 101 promising people for the role of corpse apparent: Chuck Jones (animator) Jack Palance (actor) Robert Blake (actor) Orson Welles (actor/director) Perry Como (singer) Douglas Fairbanks Jr. (actor) James Earl Jones (actor) Richard Pryor (comedian) Victor Borge (comedian) Adam West (Batman) Robert Conrad (actor) Harlan Ellison (author) Dr. Jack Kevorkian (Doctor Christopher Reeve (actor) alive, Ernest Borgnine (actor) Betty White (actress) John Horton Conway (math Erik Estrada (actor) Death) paralysed Tom Bosley (actor) Johhny Whitaker (child actor) ematician) Peter Falk (actor) Eartha Kitt Keith Richards (rolling stone) Ray Bradbury (author) Ted Williams (athlete) Jackie Cooper Betty Ford (political Spouse) Evel Knlevel (damaged goods, alive. Amazing, isn't it? Marlon Brando (actor) Alistair Cooke (masterpiece the Ellen Corby James Garner (actor) but alive) Fred Rogers -*- still living in the Wiliam Brennan (jurist) atre introducer) Walter "Bud" Cort (actor) John Gielgud (british actor) Jack Lemmon (actor) neighbourhood Todd Bridges (actor) William S Burroughs (author) Jaques -Yves Cousteau (scien Terry GWam(animator/directot) Jeny Lewis (actor) William Shatner (alleged actor, Benjamin Spock (doctor) Red Buttons (actor) tist) Mikhail Gorbachev (politician) Rich Little (impressionist) alleged author, alleged Jean Stapleton (actress) George Carlin (comedian) Doris Day (actress) Alec Guinness (actor) Jack Lord (actor) singer) Ringo Starr (singer) Art Carney (actor) Deng Xiopeng. (politician) — Larry Hagman (actor) Shirley MacLaine (actress) — Salman Rushdie (author) Harold Stassen (politician) Jimmy Carter (politician) not at all well George Harrison (musician) alive, again. Frank Sinatra (singer) Cat Stevens (singer) Jack Cassidy (musician) Bob Denver (actor) _ DeForest Kelly (actor) —He's Benoit Mandelbrot (math Buzz Aldrin (astronaut) Elizabeth Taylor (actress) Tom Chapin (singer) John Denver (singer) alive, Jim. ematician) Muhammad Ali (boxer) Rip Taylor (actor) Arthur C Clarke (author) Joyce Dewittt (actress) Various Kennedy's Marcel Marseau (mime) Mary Tyler Moore (actress) Strom Thurmond (politician) Dick Clark (world's oldest Joe DiMaggio (athlete) Tuk the Polar Bear Jimmy Hoffa Jr. (thug) Dick Martin (comedian) Alex Trebec (game show host) teenager) Antoine "fats" Domino (musi Spud Mackenzie Bob Barker (game show host) Paul McCartney (singer) — Dick Van Dyke (actor) John Cleese (comedian) cian) Abigaile VanBuren (DearAbby) Mikhail Barishinikov (dancer) alive: More or less. Caspar Wienberger (politician) Clark Clifford (politician) Kirk Douglas (actor) Bob Sagat (Please?) Ned Beatty (actor) Leonard Nimoy (actor) Tuesday Weld (actress) Gary Coleman (actor) Buddy Ebsen (actor) Dirk Benedict (actor) Yoko Ono (Pretty Please?) Peter O' Toole (actor) Anthony Edwards (actor) Let me stress that just because someone isn't on this list, it doesn't mean that you can't have them on yours. As long as they're reasonably famous, we don't mind; and as long as they are still breathing, they qualify. You can email me a list at [email protected] or you can drop the list off at Chem B160. As people start to snuff it we will publish an official list of famous ex-people, along with dates and causes of death. If we miss someone, let us know. Special Bonus: submit with your article an impossible prediction, and if it comes true before the school year ends you automatically get to come into the SUS office and walk away with as much as you can carry. If we think you have a really sound idea we'll give you some prize or other anyway, because we like you so much. Example: "I predict that, after sumo wrestlers assassinate Bob Dole, Debbie Gibson's love child conceived by Kurt Cob'ain will step in and gain a landslide victory in the American presidential elections. He will dissolve Congress and set up a new communist regime." NOTE: The Grim Reaper, his relatives and his associates are summarily barred from entry in this or any related contest involving the unexpected expiration of various famous people or the contestants who bid on them. Use of Jo Jo's psychic hotline to obtain your list of fifteen is, however, perfectly fine.