“GOOD ENOUGH ” MODEL! The Interplay of the Different Factors on the Outcome of Parenting" with Mental Parents without Mental Illness Illness ê ê ê ê ê ê ê ê Unhealthy Parenting Unhealthy Parenting Behaviour Behaviour ê ê ê ê ê ê ê ê Children with Children with Mental Illness Mental Illness

Parenting matters… Counter-Intuitive

Meeting emotional needs is not as easy and intuitive as meeting physical needs. For many, it is actually counter-intuitive…

Subtle and Unintentional

Most mistakes in are not made deliberately, but subtly and unintentionally.

Parenting from the Bible

Paul admonished parents: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21)

Ephesians 6:4

The first part is about what not to do, and the second part is about what to do.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (NASB) And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (KJV) Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (NIV)

ektrephō

The Greek word, “bring” and “up” in Ephesians 6:4, and “nourishes” in Ephesians 5:29 (in NASB) is ἐκτρέφω or ektrephō (Strong’s 1625). It means: 1) to nourish up to maturity, to nourish 2) to nurture, bring up

This Same Word Is Also Found (Greek Concordance Of NASB) In Ephesians 5:29 “…for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.”

Ephesians 5:29

When we think of the way this passage is used in Ephesians 5, where Paul says we take care of and nourish our own body, we can surmise that this means we provide our body with what it needs, not with what it wants. These needs are not just our spiritual needs, but our physical and emotional needs as well.

Don’t Exasperate; Do Meet the Core Needs

These emotional and spiritual needs are what we call the Four plus One Core Emotional Needs.

Just as a plant needs water, air, sunlight and nutrients, children need these core emotional needs.

What Are the Core Emotional Needs? The Four Plus One Core Emotional Needs

1. Connection & Acceptance

2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance

3. Reasonable Limits

4. Realistic Expectations

Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community Core Emotional Needs FOUR Maladaptive Schema Domains

1. Connection & 1. Disconnection & Acceptance Rejection

2. Healthy Autonomy & 2. Impaired Autonomy & Performance Performance

3. Reasonable Limits 3. Impaired Limits

4. Realistic Expectations 4. Exaggerated Expectations

Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community Exasperation Interactions result in Frustration of Core Emotional Needs & Trauma New Testament Ephesians 6:4

Paul admonished parents: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

Ephesians 6:4

Let’s focus on the second part – What Not To Do…

Do Not Exasperate… Do Not Exasperate!

The Bible’s wise » directives to not discourage or » Haim Ginnot exasperate children » has been proven by the work of many » Adele Faber and gifted Elaine Mazlish educators and writers over the last » John Gottman fifty years. » Jeffrey Young

Rudolf Dreikurs

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child…In a thousand subtle ways, by tone of voice and by action, we indicate to the child that we consider him inept, unskilled and generally inferior.” (p. 36-37).

David Elkind

“In effect, adolescents pay us back in the teen years for all the sins, real or imagined, that we have committed against them when they were children.”

Expectations » Each child with each parent once a week » Dinner 5 times a week (with devos for younger children) » Connect with their highs and lows. Accept their feelings but not necessarily their behavior. » Mothers put kids to bed and take time (some of them talk at night) QUALITY TIME TAKES TIME

Commit to a Regular One-on-One time with Each Child

Connection & Morality

» How unalarming unethical behavior is… » Lying and cheating among adolescents is more common than you think… » Motivation? Motivation for Lack of Morality & Ethics 1. Self Protection (fear of shame punishment). » Want life to be easier, safer and better » Which is more important to teens? Lying, cheating or loyalty to friends/ cliques? Impaired Limits

2. Self-Interest Tremendous pressure to succeed… Exaggerated Expectations » Lack of sleep (8 or 9 hours/night).

» Parent dies 100 » Parents divorce 73 » Fight with Parents 65 » Success in exams 64 (Singapore) » Parent travels 63 » Parent remarries 50 » Parents reconcile 45 » Mother goes to work 45 » School difficulties 39 » Teat of violence 31 » Best strategies to cope with STRESS is Connection & Acceptance with Parents, Workers and Spiritual peers…

» More effective than exercise, diet, caffeine, relax… » If child scores over 300 points, overstressed… 3. Parents with Misplaced Priorities Are at Risk in Produces Adolescents with Misplaced Priorities.

Busy parents communicate something… Disconnection & Rejection

With Connection and quality time » Deep talks… » If they were lied to? What does it feel like? » No QTs with them…destructive.

Lack of morality hurts relationship with a good God rather than obeying a rule

4. Lack of Adult Role Models Connection with parent makes all the difference…(honestly, humility, openness, confession…).

» Apple Application – Kids Fathers – capitalize on your strength as a father when it comes to the rough and tumble. For example, Sundays after lunch, small groups can meet for playtime with fathers and children (while mum’s have d-groups).

Figure 6.1: Connect, Work and

Refer to Appendix 2 Processing Difficult Emotions

Appendix 2 Processing Difficult Emotions

Common types of emotions – joy, excitement, happiness, contentment, longing, anger, loneliness, embarrassment, fear, shame, sadness; feelings of betrayal, helplessness, depression; feeling unwanted, or rejected Which ones are you most uncomfortable dealing with when you see them in your children? What is it about these feelings that makes you uncomfortable? Which of the three broad coping styles (surrendered, avoidant and counterattacking/ overcompensating) do you rely on when you see these emotions mentioned above? How do you go about specifically coping with these feelings when you see them in your children? Do you behave in a similar way each time your child experiences these feelings? Can you remember specific incidents involving these feelings from your childhood? (Maybe you experienced these emotions or someone around you did.) Did your parents welcome these feelings? In general, how did your parents deal with your emotions? When your parents dealt with you this way, how did that make you feel?

EXASPERATION INTERACTIONS Exasperation Interactions 1. Belittling 2. Perfectionistic and Conditional 3. Controlling 4. Punitive 5. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting 6. Overprotective 7. Pessimistic 8. Overly Permissive

Mistakes vs Exasperation Lifestyle There is a difference between occasional mistakes and exasperation interactions that come from a lifestyle.

Children should and will go through times of anxiety as a part of life, but hopefully not caused by the parents.