HEHATEME •Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 27 New field called NCAA leaves Bulldogs with nothing By Didja Kno most was the failure of even attempt- Due to the drastic number of The capital of North Dakota ing to cover-up the activities that players that have been put on pro- ‘ludicrous’ by opponents were occurring. Campus message bation or are leaving, Coach Richt By J.E. Jones Braine spending late-night hours Tech’s quest to win four in a row boards had contact information for will be forced to start all of his red Luke, you guessed it... at the library. over the UGA Bulldogs has just be- students that wanted to help the shirt players and will have to look to “He’s always researching come a trivial task. It seems like the players pass their classes. The foot- the college campus for walk-ons just Several prominent Atlanta Stephen King,” says Tech’s As- game has already been handed over ball press guides had P.O box num- to completely fill out his roster. He businessmen, including media sistant Sports Information Di- to the Yellow Jackets in a move sim- bers listed for each player for the will have to do so for many years to mogul Ted Turner, have ridi- rector Allison George. “I know ilar to that of a forfeit. alumni, or farmers, to send money come since the school has lost al- culed Athletic Di- King said that he was really up- Last week it was announced by orders. And, while at most schools most all their recruiting rights and rector David Braine for his set when they knocked down the new coach at UGA, the former there are some classes that are said are not allowed to give out any schol- decision to plow under the cur- Fulton County Stadium, and that FSU assistant coach, Mark Richt, to be only for jocks, UGA has actu- arships over the next four years. rent baseball field and build a his dream was always to play for that over three quarters of the start- ally listed such classes as “Counting While this is good news to all new one. the Braves,” said George. ing lineup will be on academic pro- 101: Football Players Only” and Tech fans there is a negative side. Many prominent Atlantians One of the few supporters bation for the duration of the 2001 “Rocks For Jocks.” This may hurt Tech’s strength of figure that Braine, who has helped for Braine has been Baseball football season. This also includes It was also revealed that many of schedule over the next few years. bring Tech sports to new levels Coach Danny Hall. almost half of the second and third the current players were never even And in a controversial rating sys- during his current tenure, has “As long as he doesn’t build a strings. In fact every scholarship play- eligible for college play. Many of tem the points lost by what will simply lost his mind. football field, I’m for it,” Hall er will be eliminated from next years the players had sub-500 SAT scores most undoubtedly be a terrible bull- “I was buying some seed for said in a recent news conference. play. and many others had never even dogs record could hurt the Jackets my flowers at Wal-Mart when According to Hall, Braine will After investigations at fellow SEC taken the test. Because of this and chances for any BCS game. How- Braine asked me if he ever heard tear down the outfield fence and schools Alabama and Kentucky, the the loss of their scholarships, many ever no matter how well the Jackets voices,” says Buckhead resident will simply grow corn along the NCAA investigators headed to Geor- players have been forced to drop do next year they will be able to Elton John, “When I gave him a border instead. Braine could not gia because of a tip made by a per- out of school. A few of which are count on an easy last regular season weird look, he tried to play it off be reached for comment on his son claiming to be George P. Burdell. considering entering the struggling game against what will be a team by saying the sounds were from throw-back decision. Officials stated that once at UGA XFL. Also due to the current cir- that resembles a peewee league team. his tractor and that some two- As construction begins, many they saw more violations than at cumstances the few good players Now, if those NCAA investigators in-one oil should do it.” neighboring business owners have any school they had investigated in remaining eligible have started con- would just go down to Tallahassee “I learned that look from Em- started to put up lawn chairs along the past. What baffled them the sidering entering the NFL draft early. and investigate those “criminoles.” inem. He gave me that look at Fowler Street and watch the the Grammy’s,” added John. progress. Braine, who has been heard “Your plowing under your best telling wild stories of former Tech field ‘ya damn fool,” said cur- “Don’thurtme.” baseball stars Kevin Brown and rent Brave . to his young Braine, who has not responded daughter at the local lumberyard, to the critism as of yet, has been has never done anything out of heard saying to himself “If I build “Comesaveme.” the ordinary in his lifetime ac- it, he will come.” cording to several close friends. “I think he might be talking “I know he tried to like Citar about the Oscar-Meyer Weiner music during the 60’s, but I don’t mascot that came to Tech games,” technique think he ever got attached to it,” said baseball media contact Chris betterthanbeer. said Tech Football Coach George Capo. “I know he loved that guy.” O’Leary. Braine was not available for Many of his friends have seen comment.

"That they were able to do it is proof that highly 28 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Technique HEHATEME

Ventura from page 30 like you are a mature, responsible adult. It’s also very cold in Minne- sota. I think that I’m going to resign as Governor so I can move to Geor- gia and enjoy the warm water.” Durham left Tech to take over play-by-play duties for the Univer- sity of Hawaii. Ventura’s gruff voice will be very different from Durham’s flowing style. One thing is certain, we can “Smell What The Braine Is I am the sports editor. Cooking” with this hire. I like random boxes. Song from page 32 I like Mexico. hated players in intramural history. “The guy wrote Babul on the I like tomatoes. back of his t-shirt and runs around saying he has a ‘killer-j’ so obviously I love the technique. he is talking about Shaun Fein,” said Kevin Hartman, a teammate of Grisham’s on the Baller, Shot-Call- technique By Carrie Chin / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS ers team. “Yeah, they are both white join me. tuesdays. 7 pm This crazed fan ran out on the field during last week’s baseball game with Kent State and after being and tall, but their games are totally apprehended by team players and coaches was asked his name, to which he could only answer “Jelly.” different.” technique: behind the scenes

“I’ve done bath- room.”

“This darkroom isn’t big enough for the both of us”

“I am not a teen idol!”

“He is too a teen idol!”

~John Hall Wheelock HEHATEME Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 29 Expansion plans include installation of Slurpee machines By Bob Jones ing to drink, I couldn’t afford a No, it’s not my university/ Coke or water or something,” said student Mary Lander. After the in- In a Thursday press conference cident concern spread rapidly among Athletic Director Dave Braine an- administrators. nounced that the expansion of Bobby “I couldn’t believe something like Dodd Stadium would include the that could happen at Bobby Dodd, installation of Slurpee machines in I knew we needed to take immedi- the student sections. The move came ate action,” said President Wayne after Braine signed an agreement Clough, “I just wanted to find some- with Slurpee baron 7-Eleven. thing that made the students hap- Student reaction was overly pos- py.” Clough’s team sprung into itive. Third-year mechanical engi- action immediatly, the group took neering major Frank Thomas said, a quick survey of students in the “That’s great! I love cherry; it’s my physics lab and found that the Slurpee favorite.” Second-year Materials was the Tech student’s beverage of Science major Tom Julian added, choice. “I like to watch the wheely thing “I’ve spent my whole life trying spin, I’m glad I’ll have something to find the perfect beverage,” stu- to do.” dent Matt Bryan commented, “I’ve Some students expressed con- settled on the Slurpee and am hap- cern with the presence of the ma- py to see that they will install ma- chines in the stands, Goody chines at the stadium.” Tooshoos said, “What if some fra- What remains to be seen is if ternity boys put liquor in the ma- Facilities employees will be able to chine?” keep the machines fully full of the The agreement came after sever- sugar syrup that we know and love. al students passed out in the after- “I don’t know if its possible, I bet By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS noon heat during this past year’s those students can suck down some Ahh, the land of milk and honey, the nectar of the gods, the sweet taste of a Slurpee. All this will soon be yours Wake Forest game. “There was noth- Slurpee,” Alan Robbins said. as you cross into the promised land that is the renovated stadium. I can taste the cool refreshment already. Congratulations Matt! technique editor 2001-2002

and would suffice 30 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Technique HEHATEME “Body” Ventura replaces Wes Durham as voice of Jackets By Kevin J. Lovering season as analyst for the XFL’s Sat- nastics. I also think that these new Laugh urday night broadcasts. He sits in wrestling fans that I’m going to at- the booth with Matt Vasgersian and tract will help us fill the new stadi- At a Monday morning press con- Mike Adamie. Ventura comment- um when it’s completed. I would ference, Georgia Tech Athletic Di- ed on the differences between his love it if we could pack over 100,000 rector Dave Braine announced that XFL partners and Kim King, “Matt people into Bobby Dodd Stadium former WWF Superstar and cur- and Mike really know what’s going one day to watch Tech bust some rent Minnesota Governor and ana- on in the game. They are so quick to heads on the fields. I can’t stand lyst on NBC’s XFL telecasts, Jesse point out things. Mike is kinda slow empty stadiums; I saw enough of “The Body” Ventura will replace sometimes, but Matt is right on tar- those in the XFL.” Wes Durham as voice of the Yellow get. All I know about Kim King is When asked if he thought that Jackets. that he played quaterback at Tech a he could effectively interview Tech Braine said of Ventura, “Jesse long time ago. I’ve never heard him coaches George O’Leary and Paul brings a lot of knowledge to Tech’s during a game, but I know that he Hewitt, Ventura replied, “Yeah, I telecasts. He will really help us as we has to know a lot to have played think that I can interview them. I try to attract fans in the Atlanta here.” speak English and I don’t drool on area. I also think that he will help us He also answered questions about myself all the time. How hard can it with attracting UGA’s wrestling fans. Braine’s confidence in attracting be?” He really gives them somebody that UGA’s wrestling fans, “All I know When asked if he was leaving his they can identify with. Don’t get is that Tech is really good at foot- post as Minnesota’s Governor, Ven- me wrong, we’re going to miss Wes, ball. Today’s fan loves a winner. All tura commented, “Being Governor but Jesse gives us a lot of things that UGA has done is give us Bill Gold- was pretty hard. I didn’t expect it to Wes never could. Ventura is also a whatever and those stupid hedges. be so tough. The worst part was By This website / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS big hit with the people who listen to Tech puts out a winning product in that they actually expect you to act There are two pictures here because I couldn’t find one big enough to fit 790 The Zone.” football, basketball, and baseball. in the big square I used to have here. I think the dichotomy of these pictures Ventura is wrapping up his first UGA wins only in women’s gym- See Ventura, page 28 is valuable to the statement and quality of the article included here.

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I think the best proof of intelligent life on other worlds is that they haven't actually tried to contact us! -Calvin HEHATEME Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 31 Georgia Tech to be new home of raquetball superstar Larry Clean By X. Posay himself as quite the marksman. In Now you know fact, Clean has made arrangements with professors to miss class during Inside these hallowed halls lies a hunting season. “I told him we could place that many have passed through, work something out. He’s a great and in which many a ball has been raquetball player, and besides he hit. But no raquetball court or stu- always gives me a couple deer steaks,” dent has seen the likes of one man, Aerospace Engineering professor Larry Clean. Neal Baker said. Clean, an all-american hero, hails What’s obvious is that people from Rhode Island where he grew are excited to see Clean perform. up playing the four-wall sport. He Self-proclamed raquetball enthusi- currently holds the International ast Mike Farfield said, “I can’t wait Men’s Singles Title in raquetball to seem him hit that little blue ball , and the record for fastest serve ever. raquetball is SO cool.” Clean made the decision to come Until his first match at the Spring to Tech when his favorite trade mag- Fling, April 6-8, Clean’s biggest worry azine, “R-Ball Luver” ran a story has been the number of women chas- about Atlanta’s prominence in the ing him. “I just can’t shake that sport. “I’m the best ever, and it just Heather Sumrow, I wish she would seemed natural,” Clean said. stop stalking me,” said Clean, “I His decisions was lauded by lo- guess I just can’t help the fact that cal raquetball enthusiasts and greeted I’m beautiful, it’s natural.” upon his arrival with a ticker tape In fact Clean’s popularity has parade. “I love Clean, he is the sex- brought him trouble and now car- iest man alive. I think raquetball ries a hunting knife to fend-off po- players are the cutest,” added Tech tential attackers. “This one time I student Malissa Jones. had to chase this [expletive removed] But Clean doesn’t want to be who tried to break into my house, I By That Guy in Family Matters and Die Hard, what else has he been in? / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS thought of as just being able to hit a guess people just hate me for my This is the only known photo of Larry Clean. Its speculated that it was taken by a disgruntled opponent who had ball with a raquet, he also fancys talent.” just lost 15-0 for the 5th straight time. It is unclear if the Technique will be able to capture a real picture of Clean. technique: behind the scenes

AMT FB I TSE WA R P L A CE R I GGS AREYOUJOSH I NGME SEAL ANTE SOAL RED AL L SNL BCD ESS I AN MAL AAA NOVAE IWASONLYK IDDING ADMAN S I T ANO PIT ODE ALA RAH T I P ML I USES DODO I DES I HATEYOUFOREVER NEVER HOFFA EMU EPA SST N I B

Only after the last river has been poisoned, 32 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Technique HEHATEMEpage 32 Who shot Larry Clean? Field of Screams Find out all about this raquetball superstar. Everybody is upset about plans to tear down HEHATEME His life, his times, his friends, his knife, the outfield walls to plant rows of corn. everything is inside. Page 31 What is behind this new plan? Page 27 Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 Baseball fans caught with their pants down Chess named By K. Horible varsity sport It’s spanish, don’t ask In a surprise announcement Panic spread through the Russ the NCAA decided to include Chandler men’s bathroom at ap- chess as a sanctioned sport and proximately 1:25 p.m. Saturday, will create a Div. 1 champion- about 5 minutes before the start of ship competition. Tech followed the Tech-Maryland baseball game the announcement by forming when the sounds of the national a varsity squad from Tech’s al- anthem could be heard inside the ready existing club team. “Schol- cinderblock walls of the room. arship money was so easy to “I simply did not know what find, I guess Tech grads love do,” said junior management ma- chess,” said Athletic Director jor Drew Hobgood. “I was in the Dave Braine. The ACC looks middle of going to the bathroom, to provide fierce competition and I didn’t know if I should con- with some of the strongest teams tinue or walk outside and look at in competition coming from the flag.” Clemson and Florida State. It is Hobgood decided to finish uri- still unclear if play will be af- nation, deciding that he would have fected by the athlete’s foot out- to wash his hands even to if he just break. walked out till the finish of the an- them and that would add on anoth- er 30 seconds. “If someone saw me leave with- out washing my hands, I just don’t Athlete’s Foot know what I would do,” said Hob- serious good. “It would take me too long to Photo Illustration By Dale Russell / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS explain that I was just going to pay Several students were caught in the act during the Star-Spangled Banner at Saturday’s baseball game with my respects to my country and then Maryland. When the music began to play these students already had a seat and didn’t know what to do. problem finish going to the bathroom.” Fellow men’s bathroom patron absence. made it up to him after I bought Both Magrow and Hobgood were Bill Magrow, a sophomore indus- “I’m not really sure who the au- him a Papa John’s Pizza.” unsure whether they would attend In much the same manner trial engineering major, felt a weird thor is though, I might just type in Many in the crowd of 842 at- another baseball game after the in- as Foot and Mouth Disease the sense of disrespect as he used urinal national anthem,” said Magrow. tending the game were unsympa- cident. Tech community is up in arms three. According to Tech alumni Jas- thetic to the bathroom patrons’ panic “I won’t ever look at this stadi- over a recent outbreak of the “I couldn’t help but feel ungrateful on Goodstein, who was also present attack. um, this bathroom, and this coun- deadly fungus. Showers are be- going to the bathroom while the during the incident, the panic strick- “Anybody knows the anthem try the same,” said Magrow. “I can ing cleansed with bleach and choir sang an ode to our fallen country en faces on the urinal users was comes on five minutes before game only pray to Thomas Jefferson that student’s skin scrubbed bare to men,” said Magrow. enough to make him look away. time,” said Jon Baskon, a self-de- he grants me forgiveness for my uri- prevent the spread. Housing and Magrow said he would go home “I couldn’t look into my son’s scribed ‘baseball addict’. “They nation act.” SAC have taken dramatic steps later and download the national an- eyes when we went to wash our brought it on to themselves,” said “All I ask for is understanding,” to slow the outbreak, including them on Napster to make up for his hands,” said Goodstein. “I think I Baskon. added Hobgood. issuing booties to all residents and patrons of SAC. Confused student fumbles with fight song Booties cause By Squeky Fromme who caught the pass. Second, Wat- I didn’t tell a soul kins is black, Muyres is white,” added Huner. serious The Rambling Wreck fight song Grisham’s worst incident oc- was severally botched by Georgia curred after the 2000 Georgia foot- accident on Tech sophomore Joshua Grisham ball win. Grisham tried repeatedly during a recent home basketball to climb the south goal post but court game. couldn’t get more than 3 inches off “He was mouthing the words the ground before falling to the Booties passed out by SAC and he raised his hand several frac- ground. He continued flaying his officials to prevent the spread tions of a second late during the ‘To arms and screaming, something that of Athlete’s Foot caused chaos hell with Georgia’ part of the fight classmate Ginny Min said sounded in the gym last week. Apparent- song,” said classmate Marc Angel. “more Chinese than English”. ly the booties were required at- Grisham, who tried to hide his After his attempt failed, he ran tire on the court because of apparent miscues, has a history of full speed toward current starting emergency measures to slow the this sort of activity. quarterback and outbreak of the fungus. Unfor- “When he sings Motown grabbed on to his leg and wouldn’t tunatly, the slick surface of the Philly[Boyz II Men’s hit song dur- let go. It took stadium security sev- booties caused players to slide ing the early nineties] he only shouts eral minutes to pry the screaming and break limbs and strech out ‘Motown Philly back again’,” Grisham from Godsey. grouns, several ended up in the said junior Heather Feldkamp. “It’s “Honestly, I think what that id- Student Health Center. not that hard of a song to memo- iot did has never left me,” said God- rize, it just takes a little effort.” sey. “There are nights where I wonder Grisham, who has attended vir- if I will be able to face the morning Hospital tually every home football game and sun.” an assortment of basketball games A member of Swarm, Grisham crowding during his two years at Tech, has tried to join the basketball team as a tried to be an avid Tech fan ever team manager during the 2000-01 creates excess since he was accepted to school in season. December 1999. However, he has “I’ll give it to him, he has enthu- failed to pay attention during sever- siasm,” said basketball coach Paul of Chick-fil-a al key game moments. Hewitt. “However, he lacks most “During Christmas break, he was of the abilities to be a team manag- Apparntly the large volume telling us at a party that he was by er, such as an ability to pay atten- of students in the Student Health the endzone where Jon Muyres tion for a reasonable period of time Center has lead to an excess of caught the touchdown pass at Clem- and basic verbal skills,” added Hewitt. chicken at the Student Center son to win the game,” said Monroe Grisham, also an avid intramu- Chick-fil-a. The Institute has By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Huner, a classmate of Grisham’s at ral basketball player in the C Divi- generated quite a bit of revenue This student was completely confused about when and in what manner to Saline High School. “I didn’t want sion, is regarded as one of the most from selling the chicken as a raise his hands during a football game. Rumors tout that he replaced the to embarrass him, but come on. replacement for the diseased beef words “we’ll drop the battle ax” with “we’ll drop the smack down.” First of all all, it was Kerry Watkins See Song, page 28 in Europe.