When Family Mess Is Handed Down Rich Nathan September 12, 2010 Genesis: Family Mess Series Genesis 12.10-20

There was a film that came out in 2003 titled: “It Runs in the Family.” It featured three generations of the Douglas Family – son, Cameron Douglas, father Michael Douglas, and legendary grandfather, Kirk Douglas. The film could have been about the Douglas Family’s other legacy which is a legacy of addiction. Cameron, the son, has had frequent run-ins with the law concerning cocaine possession and drug-dealing. His father, Michael Douglas went into rehab for alcoholism back in the 90’s. Michael’s half-brother, Eric Douglas, died of a drug and alcohol overdose at the age of 46.

The pattern in the Douglas Family is not unusual. I’m going to talk about the handing down of the family mess of addiction from generation to generation a little later.

Completely apart from addiction, we see the impact of the mess of our families of origin all around us. It is common knowledge that former President Clinton’s childhood years were spent in the house of an alcoholic stepfather, who was violent, abusive, and unfaithful to Clinton’s mother. President Clinton’s stepfather actually fired a loaded shotgun at Clinton’s mother in the house. Bill Clinton’s job as a young boy was to take care of the rest of the family, to protect his mom, and to act as a father in the situation. This was an unbelievably unnatural and unhealthy childhood.

But when Bill Clinton was asked about it later on, he said he lived a normal childhood, in a happy home. A psychologist assessing Clinton’s growing up years said this:

The perception that he had a normal childhood indicates Clinton’s deeply ingrained denial of his youthful experiences. But one must grasp his deep-seeded love of denial when he describes a childhood of repeated episodes of abandonment; parental alcoholism; marriage of his mother, divorce, remarriage; his stepfather’s death, violence directed at his mother, brother and himself; his second stepfather’s death; gunshots discharged in his home as a normal life. A true description of Clinton’s childhood would be chaotic and highly abnormal.

Bill Clinton’s ability to deny what was real and to describe his childhood as normal was developed at an early age to help him cope psychologically. But this pattern of denial and avoiding reality did not serve him well as an adult or as a leader.

Do you see the legacy of family mess in your own life ?

Often, especially during times of stress or when we reconnect with our family of origin, we become painfully aware of patterns and unconscious drives which have controlled us since childhood. So, for example, if you grew up in a home with a stern and demanding father, who could never say “I love you,” you might see in your life an unconscious drivenness to gain approval or to gain a sense of self. The drivenness might result in you being constantly on a performance treadmill. Good enough is never good enough.

If you grew up in a family where you were frequently left alone, or you were abandoned as a child, you might discover in yourself patterns of fear regarding being abandoned. You might always have to be around people and activities. You might struggle being alone with God.

If you grew up in a home where there was an expectation that you would always be good and always behave perfectly, you might have unconscious drives towards perfectionism. And you could end up hurting yourself and others through unrealistic expectations.

This autumn I’m going to do a series titled “Family Mess.” It is taken from the first book of the Bible, the book of Genesis, and we’re going to look at the family of the patriarchs – Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph. You were handed a card on your way in listing the series sermon titles. If you might see a title that you think would be helpful to a friend or family member, invite someone to church. And we are going to be doing follow up events and seminars to dig more deeply into most of the subjects I will be speaking about. So, today, my message is titled “When Family Mess is Handed Down.” Let’s pray.

We see the family mess of the patriarchs handed down generation after generation. We see it in their parenting styles generation after generation. We see it in the playing of favorites. Abraham had a favorite son, Isaac. Isaac had a favorite son, Esau, while his wife had her favorite son, Jacob. Jacob had a favorite son, Joseph.

We see family mess handed down in sibling rivalry: Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers.

We see the family mess in the stress of infertility and schemes to get pregnant. We see it in the ways that husbands and wives related to each other. And we see family mess in our own lives.

How many of you are parents? So often we see in our own parenting style either a repetition of or a reaction to the way we were parented when we were children. Have you ever found yourself as a parent saying, “Oh my goodness, I sound like

my dad, or I sound just like my mother.” Have you ever said, “I hated when mom did x. It always embarrassed me.” Or “I couldn’t stand when dad did y, so I vowed that I would never be like my parents.”

We frequently hear people say, “That’s the way I was raised; I’m going to do it with my kids” which is great if the way you were raised was healthy and life- affirming and caused you as a child to grow and flourish. If you had a dad, who before a big test, put his arm around you and said, “Don’t worry, I believe in you and whatever happens, you can know that your dad is proud of you. I want to pray for you that God would be with you and give you peace during the test so that you can do your very best” you might do the very same thing with your child. If mom held your hand every time you had a shot, you might hold your child’s hand when they get their shots.

On the other hand, there are some parenting behaviors that a wise parent would never want to replicate. “Well, my dad hit me with a belt, and you can see it didn’t do me any harm. I didn’t end up going to jail.” And, “My grandmother used to lock me in a closet whenever I was rude; I turned out to be a perfectly healthy adult.”

That’s the way I was raised is not always the best way to raise our children.

Let’s look at the story of Abraham and how family mess is handed down.

Genesis 12:10-20 10 Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. 11 As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. 12 When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live.13 Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.”14 When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was a very beautiful woman. 15 And when Pharaoh’s officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. 16 He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels. 17 But the Lord inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai.18 So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? 19 Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!” 20 Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.

Why was the story told?

The past doesn’t stay past

The way the writer of Genesis tells the story, it is clearly shaped to parallel the later story of the experience of the Israelites in Egypt. In Genesis 12:10 we see that there was a famine that drove Abraham down to Egypt.

Genesis 12:10 Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe.

And it was a famine that a couple of generations later drove Jacob and his 12 sons down to Egypt. I would just say parenthetically that one of the many things that makes me tender-hearted to recent immigrants to America is that our fathers in the faith, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, were all economic immigrants. They were all driven by economic necessity to another country in order to feed their families.

We read in Genesis 12:16

Genesis 12:16 He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels.

Abraham acquired sheep and cattle in Egypt. And the Israelites grew wealthy and acquired sheep and cattle during their stay in Egypt.

But because of a threat to Abraham’s bride, Sarah, God sent his plagues upon Pharaoh.

Genesis 12:17 But the Lord inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai.

And, of course, when God’s own bride, the nation of Israel, was enslaved and threatened by a later Pharaoh, God sent plagues as judgment. And then we read in v. 19,

Genesis 12:19 Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!”

These are the very words spoken generations later by the later Pharaoh to Moses, “Take your flocks and go.”

Why does the author of Genesis shape the story of Abraham to exactly parallel the later history of Israel? Because his point is that our pasts never stay entirely

in the past. Abraham is the true father of Israel. What his life was like, in all of the ups and downs of his obedience and disobedience to God, forms a pattern for the later history of the whole nation. The pattern of his life was handed down – the good stuff and the bad.

Shakespeare once wrote that, “What’s past is prologue.” In other words, all of our past, all of our life history sets the stage for our present experiences. But we’re not the only ones who are the same. God also wants us to know that that the same God, who was faithful to Abraham and loved Abraham in spite of Abraham’s faithlessness, will be faithful to us and love us. Our past is not someone else’s life. It’s our life.

What sin was handed down ?

What particular sin tripped him up? Abraham was plagued by fear. He was a foreigner in search of food and he was aware that he had no rights in Egypt. So he feared for his life. He was particularly afraid of the fact that the Pharaohs were always interested in adding beautiful women to their harems. They paid handsomely for the privilege. And so he determined, accurately as it turned out, that his wife, Sarah, would attract notice. He thought, “What’s going to prevent these Egyptians from putting me to death in order to present my wife as a present to the Pharaoh?” He didn’t care about his wife; he was totally self- centered in his approach. How am I going to protect myself? And so he tried to deceive Pharaoh by saying Sarah, his wife, was his sister.

This was a scheme that not only endangered his wife, but endangered the promise of God. God promised through Abraham and Sarah, that he would create a nation which would bring light to the whole world. The promise of God to bring about the restoration and salvation of the world was in danger because Abraham, the father of faith, couldn’t believe that God could protect and provide for him and his wife. So he had to lie. He couldn’t trust God enough to keep his promises. He had to cut corners and deceive.

Our inability to trust God is always at the root of our own cutting corners. We can’t trust God to provide us with a job, so we have to lie and cut corners and deceive on our job applications and on our resumes. We have to lie about our experience. We have to lie about our pasts. We can’t trust God to provide for us, so we have to cheat on our taxes. Or we cheat God out of our tithes. We can’t trust God to protect us when we are going to lose face because we are caught in a sin, so we lie. The evidence of my sin isn’t really evidence. I didn’t do it. It’s the first time; the only time.

The enemy of our souls knows our weak points. Have you noticed that the enemy comes back to your weak point over and over again? The place where you’ve given way in the past to faithlessness. The inability and unwillingness to trust God is the point at which you are tempted over and over again.

The inability to trust God with his life and with his wife became a grooved out area in Abraham’s life. When I talk about a grooved out area, I mean there are these ruts that are formed through habitual sin in our lives. And every time you drive down the same road, the tires of the car go naturally into those ruts. Do you see that in your life? Do you see any grooved out places? Any ruts in your thinking? Any unhealthy place where your mind just naturally goes?

In Abraham’s life there was this open door to the enemy. Every time he feared for his life, he lied. Friends, do you see any open doors in your life to the enemy? It is almost like, to switch the metaphor, like a trick knee or a bad hip. Whenever the pressure built in Abraham’s life, or whenever you are loaded up with pressure, the same joint gives way. Look at the repetition of this sin in Abraham’s life.

Genesis 20:1-2 Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.” Then Abimelek king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her.

This time Abraham is in Gerar which is the land of the Philistines. It is an area in today’s world that is called Gaza. It is controlled by Hamas. This time Abraham is not dealing with Pharaoh, but with a King named Abimelek. But Abraham is afraid again because he has a beautiful wife. He lied and said that Sarah was his sister. Judgment comes to the house of Abimelek, just as it came to Pharaoh.

But there is a pattern in their lives.

Abraham had Sarah lie for him everywhere they went. We would call Sarah an “enabler.” They conspired together.

What were the consequences of Abraham’s sin?

Abraham’s sin doesn’t stay in his generation. His sin became a pattern for his son’s life. It was passed down to his son, Isaac.

Genesis 26:1, 6 -9 1 Now there was a famine in the land—besides the previous famine in Abraham’s time—and Isaac went to Abimelek king of the Philistines in Gerar. 6 So Isaac stayed in Gerar. 7 When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, “She is my sister,” because he was afraid to say, “She is my wife.” He thought, “The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.” 8 When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelek king of the Philistines looked down from a

window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. 9 So Abimelek summoned Isaac and said, “She is really your wife! Why did you say, ‘She is my sister’?” Isaac answered him, “Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her.”

This time Abraham’s son, Isaac, is down in Gerar in the land of the Philistines again because famine. Like his father, Abraham, Isaac also had a beautiful wife. Her name was Rebekah. Like his dad, Isaac was afraid for his life that the men in the land of the Philistines would kill him in order to take his wife. So he resorted to the same ruse, the same lie that his father told a generation before.

Family mess; liars begetting liars. Do you see this, friend, in your own life? Do you see any places where some of the problems that your parents had have shown up in your own life? Do you see this in your children’s lives? That some of the struggles, some of the issues that you’ve wrestled with and have not overcome, are repeating themselves in your children’s lives? The same perfectionism; the same anxiety; the same addiction; the same promiscuity; the same weakness regarding money; the same materialism. Do you see any family patterns from your parents to you, to your children? What’s going on?

Turn with me to Exodus 20:4 - 6

Exodus 20: 4 - 6 4 “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

We are reading the second of the ten great commandments – the commandment against idolatry – making some visible image of God and then bowing down and worshipping the image that we make. The command against idolatry begins by telling us that God is a jealous God, Exodus 20:5

Exodus 20:5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,

When we read that God is a jealous God, it doesn’t mean that God is petty; God is insecure. It does mean that God wants our whole heart and our whole devotion. God wants an exclusive relationship with you. He doesn’t want you and me, to use a biblical somewhat, archaic expression, “whoring after other gods.” The Lord God wants to be the only God in your life.

God hates “mix and match” religions. He hates when we say, “Well, you know, I’m going to obey this and this that Jesus said, but this other stuff about having to forgive people, or my anger, or always worrying, or my sex life, or how I spend my money – that’s really up to me.” I give God 10% of my money. I can give him 10% of my obedience.

God is a jealous God. Jealousy is the other side of the coin of love. When you passionately love someone, you hate everything that hurts that person and you hate everything that gets between you and this other person. And to protect the exclusivity of his relationship with us, God warns us:

What does that mean? What absolutely does not seem fair is that God would hold me responsible for what my father, grandfather, or great-grandfather did.

What does “punishing the sins of the fathers” mean?

This Hebrew verb for punishing is used over 300 times in the Old Testament. It has been said of this verb that there is probably no other verb that has caused translators as much trouble as this word. It could mean “numbering”. It could mean “reckoning or visiting or appointing.” But however we translate this verse, in some sense we have to say that children suffer for the sins of their fathers and grandfathers. And there is obviously a sense in which innocent individuals are carried along in the judgment that falls upon their parents and grandparents.

I think about modern warfare. There were many Germans, who didn’t agree with Hitler, many children whose moms and dads didn’t vote for Hitler; didn’t like him or want him. And yet, they got swept up in the sin of the nation and many of these innocents lost their lives.

The same idea, by the way, happens regarding righteousness. We can be bad people and yet be swept along into blessing by the goodness of a society. We can stand on the shoulders of brave men and women of prior generations and inherit freedom and the good life that we didn’t pay for and we don’t deserve. It can work in both directions.

Let me try to hone in on what I believe is the meaning of “punishing the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.” One thing that it certainly means is that our parents’ sins have consequences for us.

Our parents’ sins have consequences for us

Remember, ancient households were not nuclear families. It wasn’t like America today where we live in a separate house with mom, dad and one child, and the rest of the family is spread across the country. You might see grandma one time a year at Christmas; or visit great-grandpa in the nursing home, but they really don’t affect the lives of their grandchildren or great-grandchildren very much. Ancient Israel was more like families today in the Middle East, Indonesia, or Africa where three or four generations live together in a house, so that the behaviors and attitudes of grandparents and even great-grandparents had consequences 3-4 generations down line.

The point is that what we do affects others. We can’t do whatever we want and say, “Well, our sins just affect us.” Our sins are between us and God.

Back in the 70’s state after state liberalized their divorce laws. People used to say, “Well, divorce doesn’t really affect children very much.” Experts used to say that a parent’s divorce was like giving a cold to a child; the child would quickly recover.” They used to say: if the parent was happy, the child would be happy. If the parent was in an unhappy marriage, the child would be unhappy and prefer their parents to get divorced.

In the last 30 years almost all of the studies have run in exactly the opposite direction. Judith Wallerstein completed a 25-year study of children of divorce. She concluded that far from giving a child a cold through your divorce, it was more like you were giving your child a lifelong disease. In interview after interview adult children of divorce said they would have much preferred their parents stay together even in their unhappiness than experiencing the devastating consequences of their families being divorced.

The old advice from generations ago of staying together for the sake of your children, researchers have concluded that the old advice was pretty good advice.

Obviously there are qualifiers to what I’m saying. The advice doesn’t apply if there is domestic violence, or sexual abuse, or if there is severe addiction.

But you see, the point of Exodus 20:5 is that our sin doesn’t just affect us. Unless you live in a cave, or on a desert island somewhere, our sins have consequences and they have consequences for our kids and our grandkids.

A picture that God gave me years ago was of a man standing by a pond with a large rock in his hand. The man has a choice regarding whether to put the rock down or to toss it in the water. If the man decides to toss the rock in the water, once it hits the water, the man has no choice regarding how far the ripples go.

Friends, if you are a parent and you are choosing to sin – an affair, a divorce, through constant fights with your spouse in front of your kids – your choice to

throw those rocks is going to result in ripples that you can’t control in your children’s lives.

And it is not just that our parents’ sins have consequences for us, ripples in our lives, but,

Our parents’ sins form patterns for us

Addictions specialists tell us that if you have an alcoholic for a parent, you are 4x more likely to end up with alcohol problems than the general population. Violent juvenile delinquents are 4x more likely than other youths to come from homes in which their fathers battered their mothers. 81% of wife batterers had fathers or stepfathers who battered their mothers.

Our parents’ sins, our grandparents’ sins form patterns in our lives – a grooved out area that we walk in. That’s why scripture tells us in Exodus 20, verse 5:

The punishment falls on those who walk in the sins of the parents. Praise God that his mercy always triumphs over his judgment. We read in Exodus 20, verse 6:

Exodus 20:6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

The scripture is telling us that if you do right, if you change, the ripple effects in your kids’ lives are so much stronger than the affects of your sins. If you get your finances in order, when you break an addiction, when you heal your marriage – these ripples will continue for a thousand generations.

Well, here is the question and I’m going to wrap this up.

Can the generational chain be broken?

Is it all determinism? We can’t help but to repeat the cycle of the past, the mess that gets handed down generation after generation – is that it? Do we all just throw up our hands with one great shout of collective irresponsibility and say, “Well, I can’t help it. I’m not responsible. It was my father. It was my grandmother.”

Centuries after the 10 Commandments were given, God spoke through a prophet named Ezekiel. One of the most important chapters in all of the prophets, Ezekiel 18, God corrects a total misinterpretation of Exodus 20. Here is what we read in Ezekiel 18.1-2:

Ezekiel 18:1-2 1The word of the Lord came to me: 2 “What do you people mean by quoting this proverb about the land of Israel: The parents eat sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge?”

People were saying, you’ve read Exodus 20, haven’t you? Hey, we are not responsible for the judgment that has fallen on our nation. Judgment is our parents fault. It was our grandparents, our great-grandparents. What can we do? There was this family mess handed down generation after generation.

God says, “No, no…that’s not the way it works.” Ezekiel 18 tells us two things: first,

We can break the chain of our families

Ezekiel goes on and he tells us the story about three generations of men. In the first generation is a righteous man, who does what’s right, and who enjoys God’s favor. In the second generation is a son who turns away and does what’s wicked. In the third generation is a grandson, who rejects his father’s wickedness, and instead does what is right. Ezekiel concludes this three generation saga saying this:

Ezekiel 18:20 20 The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them.

God will not punish you for the sin of your parents. You can break the chain in your generation. You don’t have to walk out their sin or live out their destiny. You can choose a different way.

And not only can you break the chain of your family, but the rest of Ezekiel 18 goes on and says,

We can break the chain of our personal lives

If you have a grooved out area of your life; you’ve been walking a certain pattern; there’s been an open door in your life – you can shut that door. You can be healed and God will rescue you. Not only don’t you have to live out the script of your parents, you don’t have to live out the script of your own past.

Ezekiel 18:21-23 21 “But if the wicked turn away from all the sins they have committed and keep all my decrees and do what is just and right, they will surely live; they will not die. 22 None of the offenses they have committed will be remembered against them. Because of the righteous things they have done, they will live. 23 Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign Lord. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?

No determinism, no fatalism, no” this is just the way it is”; no “this is the way I’ve always been”; no “this is the way my family has always been.”

How do we change? I don’t think anyone changes until you become aware of your need to change. Until we see the patterns of our lives, until we slow down and get alone with God, we won’t change. Until we slow down and get quiet, and alone with God, and we ask God: Will you reveal to me the patterns, the unconscious drives, the family mess that has been passed down to me and that I’m passing down to my kids, we won’t change.

Friends, I believe that change begins by us getting alone with God. Taking a long walk and saying: God, in your mercy show me the patterns. Show me the drives. Pull the cover back of my own life. Let me see me; let me see the mess. Friends, it’s not always obvious. Many of our surface behaviors are driven by much deeper forces in our lives. God can show you what the deeper forces are, but only when we are alone with him. And when God shows the mess you can pray: “Father, give me the courage; give me the courage to not run from what you’ve shown me; give me the courage to not lie about myself; give me the courage to not cover up and pretend I haven’t seen; give me the courage to do whatever it takes to get well. I want the mess to stop with me.” Let’s pray.

When Family Mess Is Handed Down Rich Nathan September 12, 2010 Genesis: Family Mess Series Genesis 12.10-20

I. Do you have the legacy of family mess in your own life ?

II. Why was the story told? (Genesis 12.10-20)

A. The past doesn’t stay past

III. What sin was handed down ? (Genesis 20)

IV. What was the consequence of Abraham’s sin? (Genesis 26)

V. What does “punishing the sins of the fathers” mean? (Exodus 20:4 - 6)

A. Our parents’ sins have consequences for us

B. Our parents’ sins form patterns for us

VI. Can the generation chain be broken? (Ez. 18)

A. We can break the chain of our families

B. We can break the chain of our personal lives