THE VARSITY FOUR PAGE PULLOUT TWICKENHAM FULL SQUAD DETAILS MATCH Tuesday 6th December ‘Twas the quiz before Christmas Living with HIV MP3 player, DVDs, The Cambridge WIN! theatre tickets residents whose lives have and much more been irreversibly changed

No. 629, Friday November 25, 2005 The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 DEMANDING THAT CUSU DOES ITS JOB At the beginning of this term, Varsity criticised CUSU for failing to adequately address issues that affect students.As the term ends, college MCRs and JCRs are seriously questioning their relationship with a student union that is ignoring the law and wasting our money.Here are just some of their officers:

Matt Clifford, Union of Clare Students Tristan Collins, Magdalene MCR Guy Willis, Jesus JCR Chris Kellaway, Homerton Union of Students Tom Larsen, Downing MCR

James Cameron, Selwyn JCR Joe Powell, St. Catharine’s JCR Will Barrett, Peterhouse JCR Emile Axelrad, Downing JCR Darshan Brahmbatt,Gonville & Caius MCR

support rather then allowing up fees. This despite the fact sity that motions such as JP’s External Officer, told their time to be wasted debat- that the CUSU website is likely Swain’s are ultra-vires and that CUSU Council on November LEADER ing motions unrelated to to be the first port of call for if CUSU were to implement 16 that “it [is] not practical for Cambridge students’ concerns prospective Cambridge appli- them, it would be acting in CUSU to debate legality. If the as students. cants seeking information on breach of the Education Act of NUS could discuss war, then his week, representatives The Charity Commission financial matters such as the 1994 because the issues “do CUSU should also be able to of student bodies from a provides operational guidance bursaries available to students. not affect the welfare of stu- have an opinion”. Yet this is Tthird of all Cambridge for students’ unions, stating: “a Whilst we recognise that the dents as students”. He also incorrect. According to the colleges have expressed serious charity cannot campaign on an website is newly operational raised the interesting and gen- Charity Commission “the NUS concerns over the current issue which is unrelated to its and that a vast transfer of erally unrecognized fact that is not a students’ union within direction of CUSU. Their pri- purposes, even if trustees may information has been required, the same Act demands that the meaning of the act” and mary concern is that the regard the issue as interesting Varsity would suggest that the JCRs annually re-endorse their does not possess charitable sta- attempts by some to politicise or important.” This term alone, HE Funding Officer make this affiliation to CUSU via referen- tus. Conversely, the role of the CUSU is preventing it from motions have been brought to his absolute priority, over and dum. This threatens to throw NUS is to represent the politi- adequately fulfilling its role of CUSU Council calling for the above the use of his position to any existent doubts over cal views of the student unions providing for Cambridge stu- boycott of Coca-Cola because further his personal political CUSU’s direction into sharper precisely because they them- dents. Many fear that their of alleged human rights viola- Helen Marks, Downing Access officer concerns. A motion of “No relief. Whereas previously selves cannot. Despite such respective college JCRs and tions in Colombia, and seeking Confidence” in the abilities of those students agitated enough clear guidelines, CUSU Student MCRs will be unable to remain to promote a national cam- drawal of troops from Iraq. Yet Swain as HE Funding Officer is to urge disaffiliation were dis- Action Officer, Dave Smith a part of CUSU if this contin- paign on climate change. Last a glance at the HE funding sec- being brought to the next missed as awkward malcon- (who has no legal training), ues. Today, Varsity joins them week a motion was brought to tion of the CUSU website CUSU Council. tents, now mutterings over the described this... in urging CUSU to aggressively a CUSU Open Meeting by reveals coverage of two year Graham Virgo, University possibility may be given a year- focus their energies on supply- CUSU HE Funding Officer Dan old campaigns and no updates Reader in English Law and ly loudspeaker. Continued on page 15 ing students with services and Swain, calling for the with- since the introduction of top- expert in charitiy law, told Var- Lizzie Sharples, Pembroke

www.varsity.co.uk Doris Lessing >20 PD James >16 Andrew Motion >19 Tony Underwood >Pullout Suzy Menkes >11 2 Varsity News 25.11.05

news in brief Ten arrested in drugs swoop

JAMIE MARLAND Elliott truckalready lined up to admitted four charges of sup- Fry praises ARU Steve remove property recovered in plying cocaine, having on Stephen Fry spoke of a the raids, it was felt that more each occasion sold about six "ridiculous sense of elitism" Ten people were in police vehicles were needed. grams to undercover police at Cambridge when he custody last weekend after Three men and one woman officers. A 38-year old moth- accepted an honoury doctor- Cambridge Police's biggest- appeared before Cambridge er of three from Pearmain ate degree at Anglia Ruskin ever anti-drugs sting, code- Court pleaded guilty to five University last week. He said named Operation Arkwright. charges of supplying cocaine, it was an honour to receive This breakthrough comes two cannabis and amphetamines, the award. He denounced weeks after Varsity exposed and a 30-year old man of the "ineffably stupid" people Cambridge’s thriving drugs Leete Road was charged with he had been at Cambridge Tragic death industry. Five properties were supplying a Class C drug and with and said that the best raided at 8am on Sunday possession of cannabis resin. thing about ARU was that Tom, who was from Harrogate, morning, with eight further He has not yet entered a plea. they got to enjoy the architec- Rachel Divall was described by his college as "a raids soon after. The raids and Also arrested on Sunday ture and facilities without highly talented student who had subsequent arrests were the were one man from Cherry being "surrounded by idiots A Cambridge student was killed made many friends at Girton." A culmination of 12 months of Hinton, and three men from who think they are in in a road accident on the morn- short service attended by his par- planning and involved the co- Willingham, two of whom Brideshead Revisited". The ing of November 18. Thomas ents was held on Friday evening. operation of 300 police offi- were released with no further actor and comedian, 48, Mansfield, a 19 year old Natural A statement released by the col- cers, including 40 dectectives. action. graduated in English from Scientist from Girton, suffered lege said: "The chapel was packed Operation Arkwright sought Further arrests are expected Queens' College before ris- fatal injuries as a result of a colli- with students, an indication of to target those “thought to be in December as the police will ing to fame. sion with a lorry just yards from the enormous impact Tom had at the head of Cambridge's interview these initial sus- the college entrance. Andrew made in his short time at Girton." drug scene, including suppli- pects and gather more intelli- Misplaced identity Jefferies, the college's Senior Andrew Jefferies told Varsity he ers of heroin, cocaine and gence. The investigation is An ARU student has become Tutor, told Varsity the whole col- had been "impressed and grateful ecstasy, as well as those who being led by Detective a victim of identity theft. He lege had been "extremely for the care and support which all benefit from the proceeds of Inspector Tony Ixer, who has first realised when his bank shocked by the tragic events". members of the college have drug crime.” described drug dealers and sent him a statement showing The emergency services were given each other" and said "the Battering rams and body handlers as "parasites at the he had spent hundreds of called at around 8.45 on Friday sympathy of the whole college armour had to be used to gain top of the chain". pounds on a credit card he morning and told of a collision at community goes to Tom's fami- access to some properties The police have warned knew he didn't own. Lloyd the junction of Girton Road and ly." A second year Girton student although the level of force that this is not the end of the Mann, 25, has now been sum- Huntingdon Road between a said “Everyone in the college was required varied. The raids operation and other drug moned to court for failing to cyclist and a lorry. The driver, a 41 devastated by Tom's death. included armed police support dealers and handlers in the pay a £150 fine which he year old man from Grantham, However, everyone has pulled units, officers from Essex area should be aware of ongo- claims he knows nothing Lincolnsire, was uninjured. The together in this difficult time.” Police and specialist search Cambridge Police in action in ing investigation. about. The Internet accident is currently the subject of Anyone with any information dogs from Suffolk and Cherry Hinton Technology student thinks an inquest and police have asked should contact Cambridgeshire Lincolnshire. magistrates on Monday. A 27- some tenants of his parents for anyone in the area at the time Police on 0845 4564564. Despite the three vans and year old man who lives at the stole a letter with his details of the collision to contact them. a seven-and-a-half tonne YMCA in Gonville Place www.cambs.police.uk from his old house. The mag- istrates dropped the case when the circumstances were IP debate continues demics because they would auto- Testosterone Breakthrough told Varsity he was convinced by Medics Emigrate explained in court. Sir John Sulston, Nobel Prize win- matically give the university own- Experts at the University’s Autism the findings: “Less testosterone An increasing number of UK ner and honorary fellow of ership of all IP. Sir John, who was Research Centre have discovered a means better human relationships. students are applying abroad to Burrell's Flasher strikes Pembroke, is the latest figure to awarded the a Nobel prize in 2003, link between high testosterone The differences may become even study medicine. Fierce compe- again join the intellectual property said: "This is the wrong way to go. levels in pregnant mothers and dif- clearer as the children in our study tition over here, comparatively Another college has reported debate. He has attacked Cambridge [Reforms] may even prohibit some ficulties which their children might get older. Cambridge is the only low living costs abroad and the an incident of indecent expo- for what he terms their "misguid- academics from doing research experience in human relationships research centre to have tried to bureaucratic ease conferred by sure that occurred on ed" plan to reform IP rights. As Var- because they won't want interfer- and learning. In extreme cases, understand early hormone influ- the admission of a number of Burrell's Walk near the sity reported 3 weeks ago, proposed ence from the university." there might even be a link to ence on the brain and behaviour in East European countries into University Library on reforms have angered many aca- autism. Director Dr Baron-Cohen humans.” the EU have made it more November 22. Two female attractive than ever for students were the target. The Last week’s editorial showed a significant number of Cambridge students to be prospective medical students to police have been informed gain their qualifications else- and advise that any such inci- pessimistic about the state of the Cambridge Union. Defiant, Jenni Scott (Union where. dents occurring in the recent Medicine is one of the most past should be reported. President) and Sarah Pobereskin (President Elect) defend their territory oversubscribed courses in the Cambridgeshire police urge The Cambridge Union is renowned and the EU are just some of the societies and our party room is book requests and suggested UK. At Cambridge alone only victims of this type of inci- for its prestigious history, famous issues regularly and passionately available to hire for free, given a changes. 262 of the 1,390 applicants dent to come forward “even debating chamber and internation- disputed. Union Presidents fight to prearranged level of bar takings. What about long-term change? were successful last year. The if it might seem funny at the al reputation; for nearly two cen- justify debating truly controversial This policy does not diminish our The Union is indeed looking to the prospect of cheaper living time”. turies it has been a celebrity issues, receiving abuse, petitions own events. It simply provides future. In particular by developing a expenses also lures students amongst student societies. Contrary and pressure from exterior organi- more opportunities for the Union to professional strategy plan commis- abroad. One student who was Cambridge sounds better to popular opinion that the society sations - how better to prove that be enjoyed by increasing numbers sioned during the past six months offered a place at King’s College Local Cambridge technology is slipping, the Union has recently such debates are still critically of people. This even includes Varsity through RBS and Accenture. The described to Varsity how she firm '1' have created a Digital made some huge improvements. important? – we are delighted that they have Union was initially created as a turned it down in favour of a Sound Projector TM that will Why do 2 in every 5 students start- Is the Union utterly failing to just booked their Christmas party space where free speech reigned place at Charles University in allow couples watching split- ing in Cambridge join the Union? draw high-profile speakers? It with us. and intelligent debate could be Prague, where costs are as little screen television to each Because it still gets the attention of seems not, given that last term Sex The Union’s C19th grade IIa list- encouraged. Those same ideals are as 30 per cent of those in the experience independent national newspapers, brings in top and the City’s Kim Cattrall attracted ed building has a unique appeal and still the driving force behind all we UK. The introduction of top-up soundtracks without head- debate speakers, and attracts inter- so many members that we had to historic atmosphere. But, like all do today. Keeping this in mind, our fees looks likely to accelerate phones. An array of 22 small- national stars. We’ve included no turn away fans. This term, Sir ancient buildings, it needs ongoing remit has also widened to include the trend. loudspeakers produce sound quotes here – because it’s just too Richard Dearlove and Robert Fisk attention. This is why you may entertainments, facilities and beams, which - like light from easy to find a person to support saw packed chambers. The Union is notice regular repair-work, renova- opportunities to debate competi- a torch - are bounced off whatever you would like believed. clearly not marginal. Attracting tions and maintenance to make the tively across the country and the >>page 10 walls and ceiling to recreate Instead, the facts of what the Union Sven-Goran Eriksson, Hans Blix, Union as functional and welcoming world. There are currently over 60 surround sound. The innova- does really speak for themselves. and the Secretary-General of as possible. The bar has been people involved in running the Simon Calder tion could also be used to Whilst we don’t claim that our rep- NATO, the Union remains a very repainted, with new lighting and Union from college secretaries to send different volumes to utation is pristine, the reality is that successful and popular organization layout, as well as a new sound sys- the committees to the officer-ships The Varsity areas of the room for the hard the Union still provides a crucial for impressive speakers. Pessimism tem and DVD player. Arabian shee- and directorships. We are all work- of hearing. platform for free speech, high-pro- about the Union’s future is shas, cocktails and an extensive ing to ensure that we are meeting cartoonist file speakers and highly popular unfounded. We provide a range of drinks menu are provided by Jason, the needs of our members as best entertainment. debates, speaker meetings, events our bar manager, encouraging our we can. From delivering termcards speaks at last The foundations of the and entertainments that are unique members to enjoy relaxing at the to manning events and organising listen Cambridge Union lie in debating. in Cambridge. Union on any night of the week. speakers, we aim for evenings to Alongside Oxford, we have one of Perhaps the Union is not “with- The Union is not “decaying.” Whilst run smoothly for everyone to enjoy the most famous debating cham- ering” after all? In reality, it is gain- the building needs constant repair- – and tonight we hope to be no You can hear bers in the world. The popularity of ing strength. The Union election last work, the Union’s officers are con- exception. debates was evident this term with week saw the highest election stantly working on improving The Union has come an enor- Varsity on the the annual Footlights v Union turnout in recent history. Serious member’s experiences. mous distance, and it still has a long radio on debate, which saw the chamber about member opinions, we have After years of neglect, the Union way to go. However, with a dedicat- packed out at full capacity. We constant on-line feedback and library now has a spacious and ed team of people interested in the Mondays at make room for comedy these days, questionnaires. In a move to make study-friendly atmosphere. The Society, and sticking to our initial 7pm. but the Union still takes very seri- the Union open to the entire stu- continually updated collection of beliefs in free speech, open debate CUR 1350 ously its responsibility to debate sig- dent population, we now welcome books ranges from Harry Potter to and catering to our members’ nificant and challenging world an increasing number of plays, Piers Morgan, on topics from fiction tastes, we believe that we are issues. Conflict in Northern Ireland, sporting events and art displays. We to travel to popular science. James, increasingly successful in achieving our policy the Middle East, Third World Aid organise joint events with other our part-time librarian, welcomes our aims. The VARSITY IS DEDICATED TO BRINGING YOU THE MOST RELEVANT AND INTRIGUING NEWS AS AND WHEN IT HAPPENS. Week In

THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN OUR CONTENT ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBU- Weather FRI SAT SUN MON TUE WED TORS, AND NOT NECESSARILY OF VARSITY PUB- THUR LICATIONS LIMITED. 25.11.05 News Varsity 3 A BIT OF DUTCH COURAGE Miriam Foster reviews Rembrandt’s Christmas at the Fitzwilliam Museum H IZILA MUSEUM FITZWILLIAM THE embrandt's Christmas is the at the beginning of the exhibition, ally unaware of the complex latest in a series of thematic although an excessive emphasis mechanical process intervening Rexhibitions that the on the technical aspects of print- between the artist's idea and the Fitzwilliam has mounted, allied to making was also its major weak- finished image. Many of his etch- a conservation programme of ness. The etchings need explana- ings have the loose, incomplete their impressive collection tion but the captions accompany- appearance of working sketches, Rembrandt prints. Previous exhi- ing the images would have bene- and all appear extraordinarily bitions have dealt with fitted from a more contextual spontaneous. Rembrandt's prints of landscapes, approach. Rather than concentrat- In his etched work nudes, and the Passion of Christ. ing so exclusively on the processes Rembrandt was particularly The prints in this exhibition illus- involved in creating each image it interested in exploring the trate Christ's Nativity and child- would benefit from more com- power of dramatic light effects, hood, from the Annunciation to ment on Rembrandt's career and and, unusually, in images that the Shepherds, to the twelve year perhaps between the relationship were almost completely dark old Christ's meeting with the of his printed and painted work. except for passages of brilliant Elders in the Temple. These The exhibition suffered from a light. Themes from the nativity themes have been constantly narrowness of focus. offered Rembrandt the reworked by Western artists, yet The biggest treat was hidden opportunity to indulge in a despite the accessibility of their beneath a dust sheet in one of sev- series of dramatic night scenes; subject matter, these images do eral free standing cabinets. The the angel appearing to the not seem familiar, but strange. It Holy Family Sleeping with Angels, of shepherds, the shepherds often takes a while before the c.1645, is a stunningly understat- visiting the stable and the Holy mass of lively, etched lines reveal ed and natural drawing of the holy Family fleeinging etchings are their narrative charge. The prints family. Drawn in brown ink on certainly the most atmospheric are hung alongside relevant parchment, the intimacy of the in the exhibition. As an artist he extracts from the Gospels, which scene is breath taking. Joseph lies was increasingly keen on seems appropriate; Rembrandt has on the floor as an exhausted Mary organising his compositons in almost completely ignored the leans over her sleeping baby in the terms of light and dark. mass of inherited imagery, the cot beneath her. There is no overt Rembrandt constantly revisits thousands of Renaissance and religious symbolism nor opulent the theme of light illuminating Baroque Nativities with which he decoration. The viewer is struck by darkness, as a visual metaphor would have been familiar, and the immediacy and seeming art- for the coming of Christ. taken the Biblical text as his start- lessness of the image, the almost This exhibition packs just as ing point. discomfiting domesticity of the subtle a punch as the delicacies of This exhibition serves well as an scene. What is particularly arrest- Rembrandt's prints. It will defi- accessible introduction to old mas- ing is the apparent effortlessness of nitely get you into the festive spir- ter prints for newcomers, yet Rembrandt's line. The inclusion of it in a cultured and informative offers enough detail to satisfy an drawings in this exhibition shows way. enthusiast. A nice touch was the how close Rembrant's prints are to Rembrandt's Christmas is on until display of a list of technical terms his sketches, the viewer is unusu- 19th February. Entrance is free. The Holy Family Sleeping with Angels of c.1645 DoS accused of assault option to be supervised by anoth- JAMIE MARLAND News Reporter er academic for the time being if they so wish." The College have A fellow of Trinity Hall has been said they do not feel it is appro- charged with indecent assault. priate to comment further until a Dr Hutchinson, Deputy Head of later date when the case returns the University's German to court. The University have Department and Director of declined to comment, saying it is Studies of Modern and Medieval a matter for the relevant college Corn Exchange touts Languages at Trinity Hall, is and department to deal with. accused of touching a woman in Dr Hutchinson teaches "League of Gentlemen", which access to music, theatre and per- a sexual way without consent. German literature from 1700 to Adi Dasgupta are sold by the Corn Exchange formance arts. He appeared in court this week the present day. His particular for £22.50, are advertised on In recent years ticket touting but did not enter a plea. The case interest is literature since 1945, Managers at the Cambridge ticket touting websites at more has moved from the streets to has been adjourned until especially living writers. One of Corn Exchange this week than double the price. the world wide web. Saxby told December 6. his specialist subjects is the histo- expressed concern at the high Although touting musical and Varsity "There are all sorts of Trinity Hall has issued a state- ry of the former East Germany, levels of ticket touting for theatre event tickets is legal, Corn websites. It's completely even ment: “The College is extremely the 'German Democratic Dr Peter Hutchinson events held at the venue. Exchange managers fear that cus- [between street and internet concerned over the charge Republic'. He has edited a num- This comes a few days after Arts tomers may be sold stolen or touting]." The sudden explosion which has been made against ber of modern texts which have Women's Executive from Trinity Minister Tessa Jowell and repre- forged tickets. Saxby stated "The of ticket touting websites such as one of its academics and is in regularly been used at A level Hall to ensure that we're happy sentatives from the live perform- danger is there's no way of know- www.getmetickets.net has discussion with the relevant and in first-year university cours- with the provisions made by the ance industry attended a summit ing how a ticket has been resulted in an increase in the people for academic matters and es. He has been the literary editor college.” She added, "The college devoted to tackling touting. Corn obtained". In a few cases, event- total number of tickets being student welfare." The college of the teachers' journal Deutsch: has said that students will be Exchange General Manager goers at the Corn Exchange have resold in Cambridge. confirmed that the other person Lehren und Lernen, and Editor of given the option of being offered Graham Saxby told Varsity "We actually been stopped at the door Saxby says that if the touting involved in the alleged incident the Bristol Classical Texts German an alternative supervisor, and we support fully efforts to crack down because they had purchased of Corn Exchange tickets contin- was not a University student Series for many years. need to ensure that the responsi- on ticket touting." stolen tickets from touts. ues to increase, he will consider nor a member of staff. Michelle Nuttall, CUSU bility for making new arrange- Ticket touts in Cambridge Managers also fear that high banning tickets purchased from They said "the academic in Women's Officer, said; "We need ments rests with the college and have been buying Corn ticket touting prices will prevent touters altogether: "We certainly question is an excellent and high- to remember that Dr Hutchinson not with the student. In general Exchange event tickets and potential event-goers from being may look to declare tickets ly respected teacher. His stu- has not yet been convicted, but I I'm satisfied by the colleges reselling them at exorbitant able to afford tickets. This, they invalid that have been sold by dents, who are taught in pairs, am working with the Women's response, but we'll have to wait rates. Tickets for the December 5 say, will significantly affect public ticket touts.” never alone, are being given the Officer and members of the and see how things go."

“Oh, sorry!” she muttered, around me, as though I had I was aware of the man being Suddenly, her features relaxed flustered, under her breath as been transported into the fiction- ushered to a nearby table by a and she shrugged her shoulders she leant forward, flashing cleav- al world of a favourite soap waiter and sitting down. I dismissively. “Oh, no-one,” she age, to retrieve it from my hand opera, to ruin the moment by watched Sophie observe him replied, replacing the menu and as I gallantly pretended it had drawing attention to my incon- from out of the corner of her once again raising the cigarette not hit me. gruous presence. eye, completely oblivious of any- to her lips, only this time man- “What’s the matter?” I probed, one else in the restaurant for a aging to set it alight. She took a as her eyes darted back and forth second. I began to feel the deep drag before exhaling a thin between me and a point some- familiar lurch of jealousy in my arrow of smoke from out of the where over my shoulder in the stomach for, somewhat unrea- side of her mouth, while I tried near distance. I heard the clang sonably,I expected her only to my best to stifle a cough. of the door opening behind me, have eyes for me. Suddenly, she seemed to snap felt the chill of the draught on At last curiosity got the better alert and fixed me intensely with my back, and twisted my head of me. “Who is that?” I whis- her uncompromising eyes. “But around to follow her gaze to pered, caught up in her distress. if he comes over, then you’re my where it rested upon a young My words made her eyes boyfriend” she told me. Charlotte Hudson writes the fourth man whose good looks were flicker back to me, with a hint of My eyes widened… diminished by the dour expres- irritation at being pulled away installment, and the last one of term. sion he wore on his face. from the object of her present Next term, you can write the next bit. Immediately, she grabbed a thoughts, and she re-focused menu and held it to her face. I them on me as though trying to Email your 400 words to [email protected] noticed with amusement that it remember what I was doing and if we think your continuation is the best was upside down but decided there, when it had been her who not to say anthing, too intrigued had interrupted me in the first then we’ll print it here. by the drama that was unfolding place! 4 Varsity News 25.11.05

On Campus

Mobile phone to Homerton hoaxer detect illness Notices went up in Homerton No sex Scientists at Cambridge have JCR this week announcing the been awarded nearly £1 million to that the college had begun develop a cheap, portable device "extensive archaeological digs in which has been likened to a a search for tradition". The report please, we’re mobile phone, that could detect claims that following the discov- diseases in humans. The project ery of a letter using "derogatory" is a collaboration between the terms to describe Homerton's University's Department of architecture and "soulless fea- Engineering and scientists at the tures" the college asked its stu- Medical Research Council. It dents to "purloin any item that escorts works by reading the tiny electri- appears to be antique" from "real cal signals which are given off colleges like King's or Trinity.” The when DNA strands interact and is items could then be buried and As more students turn to escort agency work, the first time that a low-cost then "discovered" in front of the method has been developed for local press. Students were told Varsity investigates whether the abstaining detecting these signals. items could be exchanged for Researchers hope the device meal vouchers and were remind- could eventually be used to ed "it is worth mentioning that Cambridge student is welcome detect cancer as well as infec- tapestries can be rolled up". tious diseases like avian flu. Varsity is eagerly awaiting its invi- agencies tend to be much lower Varsity the aim of the Take Me To bid on jobs, services and dates. tation to the dig. Jude Townend down the list of police priorities Dinner new site is to “allow peo- Dekker said, “We hope that the ID cards paper than streetwork or brothels. ple from all universities to sign up, Date Auctions will prove very published Mill Road After one relaunch earlier this When Oxbridge Escorts, not just Oxbridge, with the aim of very popular with our Take Me To Dr Jon Agar, of the Department of Christmas Fair year, Oxbridge Escorts, the “no- recently re-branded Take Me to changing the way we view online Dinner Members.” History and Philosophy of Saturday December 3 will see a sex escort agency”, has this week Dinner, first launched in April dating – no chatting, no waiting, Yet the future of the enterprise Science, has published a paper celebration of all the good things undergone a further facelift in a 2005, it promised to be the “no immediate dating.” Clients and does not seem safe. Beyond initial this week on the use of identity Mill Road has on offer. A bid to attract more business. Varsi- sex” option in escorting. It is the escorts both fill in the same form hype the potential for a “no sex” cards in Britain. He examined the Christmas fair will provide live ty’s investigation into the world of only escort agency Varsity could and students from all different escort agency is limited. When experiences with identity cards music, dancing, beer tasting, student escorting revealed a thriv- find in the whole of the UK to universities are now encouraged Cambridge students on the site during the First and Second roast chestnut sellers, Father ing industry, but one for those actively promote a “no sex” policy. to join, but very little appears to were contacted by Varsity most World Wars, in particular looking Christmas, mulled wine and prepared to have more than just Yet it is undergoing yet another have changed: Oxford and admitted they had only “been on for lessons that the government mince pies. Visit dinner. Researching under the makeover - the site does not Cambridge students are still given one date” or not at all. One can take to ease future imple- www.localsecrets.com for details. Varsity pseudonym, “Kirsty” seem to have attracted the interest “Elite Date” status, not available to claimed to have “completely” for- mentation. Their first attempt at joined Take Me To Dinner (for- or custom it hoped for. On other members. In order to take gotten she had registered; another ID cards was a failure, but the Update on Blag merly Oxbridge Escorts) and November 22 founder Nick out an Elite Date members have said: “I signed up during finals, second a partial success. Xander Bird of Caius College has found that members seemed will- Dekker announced a sister site: to upgrade to Premium member- out of boredom and lack of However, Dr Agar has said "the blagged a car for a pen in the Big ing to flout the company’s strict Quontentio, which will be ship which costs £59 per six money, but as soon as they were latest government proposals RAG Blag. The cheeky freeloader no sex policy. Considering the officially launched in December. months. The site states: over I was too drunk to follow up seem to resemble the first nation- has wrangled a Citroen AX to be number of students tempted to The original Oxbridge Escorts “Following on from the idea the requests which popped up in al register more than the second." collected today. Cambridge stu- enter, or already engaged in, the service was launched to which began with Oxbridge my inbox. I did check out one The article is available online at dents are competing to swap sex industry, Varsity asks whether widespread hype and media Escorts, here at Take Me To guy’s profile, but he was not the History & Policy website - their RAG biros for items worth as Take Me to Dinner actually has attention, culminating in an Dinner we also seek to provide a exactly my type. I did on second www.historyandpolicy.org much as possible. anything different to offer. appearance on the Channel 4 service whereby bright and thoughts begin to think the whole One London based escort Richard and Judy show. The charming young people can get thing was slightly, well, sad actual- owner told Varsity: “in my experi- service was to provide articulate, paid to show off their skills.” ly - the one group pimping them- ence most students leave universi- bright and entertaining escorts for Dekker admits that it is selves (i.e. me!) seemed exploita- ty hideously in debt by thousands wealthy clients prepared to pay up “unashamedly elitist”. He is tive, and the poor bastards we Cross Campus and thousands of pounds. For to hundreds of pounds for the adamant that the “no-sex” policy wanted to take advantage of were many women leaving university privilege. The oddity of the whole is necessary to “allow people to be just pathetic!” Another said he with that kind of debt is daunting. had heard there had only been Extra fibre? Welfare Officer One of the women on my books about 50 dates. Dekker tentatively Students at Vanbrugh attacks staff has just this year graduated from countered that: “the number of College, York, were some- The Durham Student Union Oxford with a Geography degree dates is approaching four figures.” what surprised last week to (DSU) Welfare Officer physi- but she cannot get a job other Gareth*, reading English at witness pieces of the canteen cally and verbally assaulted than working in a department Oxford, notorious among fellow roof falling down whilst they staff at Hatfield College bar store or a bar. You can work in a students for his escort activity, were having lunch. A subse- last week. At the end of a bar and work for £40 a night or go “ would only admit to three dates. quent investigation found that DSU barcrawl the Women's out and earn £200 or £250 an THREE OUT OF FOUR “There’s not really any potential heavy rains in recent weeks Officer was thrown out of hour escorting.” with this site – there are only four had caused a build up of Hatfield College bar for There are 80,000 prostitutes women members other than water on the flat roof above "totally unacceptable" behav- working in the UK and three out WOMEN IN female students. Two of the dates the canteen, resulting in a iour but refused to leave. The of four women in prostitution I had were with journalists. The leak that had loosened pieces Welfare Officer came to her become involved aged 21 or PROSTITUTION BECOME other one, I don’t think she was a of the interior. Although the rescue by attacking the bar younger. journalist, but she didn’t want sex. Vanbrugh canteen roof had staff involved in her removal. Praed Street Project, a clinic for It’s all a lot of hype really. My been identified as unsuitable The Womens' Officer, Hannah prostitutes in London says a INVOLVED UNDER 21 career certainly isn’t in Oxbridge when the building was refur- Al-Othman has since “growing number” of the 2000 escorting.” bished last year, no effort had resigned. The Welfare workers they treat annually are Kay Good, author of In Good been made to repair it. Officer remains in position students. Researchers at Company: An Escort’s Guide and Despite the commotion saying "I think people would Westminster University estimate owner of Good Grrls Agency said, Vanbrugh JCR chair Sarah rather have someone in wel- that three to four percent of “It’s not realistic [a “no-sex” Jones denied any knowledge fare who makes mistakes, but indebted students turn to the sex agency]. I’m not in this industry to of the problem. learns from them, than having industry to earn extra money. provide dinner dates. Occasionally someone who tried to portray Prostitution is not illegal, but endeavour lay in the agency’s proud of their Take Me To Dinner clients ring up, and they do want Perfect Paper this perfect image". many of the activities that sur- insistence that there would be a membership.” to take the girl out for dinner, they Aeroplane round it are, such as controlling strict “no sex” policy. Despite One Elite Date admitted, “it’s do want a dinner companion but Three students at Leeds prostitution for gain. Escort agen- ”widespread interest, the site had pretty much the same as before. that is not the primary need and it Student accused University have designed the of equine cies providing “social escort servic- relaunched itself as Clients pay to take the Oxbridge never has been.” Lottie* a high- "perfect paper aeroplane". es” rather than sexual services are Takemetodinner.co.uk by May escorts, whether you re-name earning student escort working in The plane Avenger is consid- homophobia legal but these are in very small 2005. The £45 student escort them Elite dates or whatever, out Brighton said, “I’ve heard that ered by academics to com- Ex-Balliol College, Oxford, minority (if they exist at all) and sign-up and the £100 clients’ fee to dinner.” there is some market for social bine aerodynamics and ease student Sam Brown was the vast majority of escort agen- (plus cost of the escort) were Now Dekker is launching sister- only escorting in London, but of manufacture. Most paper detained in custody and now cies involve the owners operating abolished. site Qontentio, (pronounced kon- apart from one woman who did it planes follow a basic “school faces court for calling a police illegally. What stops them being Dekker, a Classics graduate TEN-tee-oh) a concept based on a while ago, I’ve never heard any- playground” template starting horse "gay". He has been raided and closed down is that from Balliol College, Oxford, told online auctions where people can one claiming to have done it or to with a central fold down the charged with using "threaten- length of an A4 sheet of ing, abusive or insulting paper, with two more inward words or behaviour within the Advice for a new escort from the online chatrooms folds creating a “delta-wing” sight or hearing of a person shape ( similar to Concorde) likely to be caused distress". and it is this triangular frame On the evening of the incident “If you really want to do that “The sex industry is a tricky one “Dare I say it was I that sug- For sex worker support and which reduces drag. The new he had left Balliol's Cellar Bar [escorting] then fine, ALL the - you can either work in it and gested becoming an escort, advice: design introduces tiny folded and come across two mount- clients will expect you to be a be able to separate the sex from working for a reputable winglets on each side of the ed policemen, one of whom prostitute and the opportunity the rest of your life - or you can't agency will offer good steady In Good Company: An Escorts plane and at the back, as well he asked "how do you feel of actually escorting someone and it can really damage you, money as and when you want Guide by Kay Good, published as cambered wings, which about your horse being gay?" anywhere other than a hotel e.g. you become a victim rather it and security in the form of a on November 28 Fusion Press gives it the killer “air-time” He was arrested after making room will be quite rare. I sug- than a girl making good money. male minder whilst working. edge over standard designs. further comments on the sex- gest that you think about work- As a suggestion why don't you Don’t take my word for it, ask United Kingdom Networks of Sex Directions for making it can uality of the animal and didn't ing for a brothel instead - in dip your toe into the industry a other escorts.” Work Projects (NSWP) be found at pay his fine because he was those situations you are in a bit and try out for lapdancing 0161 953 4107 "skint" finishing his exams. more secure / safe environment club or similar - this will give you “I personally don’t know of any He plans to plead not guilty. as the brothel will have security an idea how you feel about sell- straight escorting agencies and Support and Advice for Escorts measures and you will be better ing yourself without having to not sure there is a big market for www.saafe.co.uk www.guardian.co.uk/education protected than if you are alone go so far as actually sleeping it but I guess there must be one with men.” with the men.” somewhere.” 25.11.05 News Varsity 5 ANHFLETCHER HANNAH Varsity asks: Would you be an Oxbridge escort?

> Varsity asked students if they would consider escorting and how far they would be prepared to go. Below, two very different kinds of escorts tell all

The students: Would you be an escort?

"Damn right. I've definitely thought about it - it's a lot of money for looking good and being desirable. And everyone plays on sex as a way of getting what they want all the time pre- tending that they're not. At least this way you're honest about it." 1st year female, Homerton

"I would definitely consider working as an escort, apparently there are Oxbridge services where you don't even have to Browsing the escorts on offer at Take Me to Dinner. Each member submits a full profile and is encouraged to supply a photograph have sex with them. You just hang off their arm and make know anyone who has. I do get love with you (if possible and after but, “having said that last night a support group or information held polite conversation all night. I What do you think you’d be the odd social only date, but it seeing me) Making love doesn’t girl earned £180 for wanking a about sex workers. With funding used to be a feminist but then I expected to do? wouldn’t even pay my gas bills.” means sex. It is ok just french kiss- bloke off for 40 minutes, at a posh from the Cambridge Action for started living on a student loan." Good says there is “undoubted- ing or petting in the bed. I need hotel too.” Sexual Health group, Dhiverse, 2nd year female, New Hall "I'd expect it to be a bit like a ly a student market and there have enjoy in the bed. Of course, Cambridge has a thriving sex along with other local organisations date, but with no prospect of always has been. I have always at that time, I must show you the trade with independent sex will try to move forward in a con- "I have to fund studying at sex at the end of it." worked with students of one form exceed thanks from my personal workers working from home, in sultation exercise which will look at Cambridge all on loan, so if some 2nd year female, Clare or another. At the moment I have budget. Having a dinner may parlours, and at clients’ homes what has been done in other parts sad old man wanted to pay me to more recent graduates than stu- means a introducing time for each but it is not known whether any of the country, and evaluate the go to a party with him, I would- "If it was with a firm I'd dents. The market is there: youth other. And to say more, if you students are working as escorts sexual health needs for sex workers n't say no. Sounds like easy heard of like Oxbridge escorts and beauty will always be mar- become to like me, I want you to in Cambridge. Anne*, an escort in Cambridge and surrounding money." then I would think it was just ketable.” She estimated that out of become a private business angel agency owner working in the areas.” Their findings will be pub- 2nd year female, Clare dinner or something. the thousands of sex workers in after a couple of months.” Midlands said, “it’s such a small lished in March 2006. Definitely no funny London, the figure for students “Kirsty” also contacted escort place, I don’t think students This week escorts from "Would I be an escort, as in have business." must be very high. “I wouldn’t agencies in Cambridge and would risk their anonymity. I Cambridgeshire and other neigh- sex for money? Well, yes. But my 3rd year female, New Hall want to make a guess but since around the country to find out suspect that they would travel to bouring counties were targeted as upper age limit would be about I’ve worked in the industry 90% what they expected from a stu- London to earn better money part of police raids on what was 45, no older than my mum." "I think that depends on the fall into either students or single dent wanting to join an agency. and in better conditions.” When believed to be the South East’s 3rd Year male, Sidney Sussex type of the agency, but there mothers. They are people who are At one well-known local agency a male member of Varsity rang largest escort agency. Four must be a few agencies where driven by economic necessity, par- addresses in Hatfield were "Not right now, but if I was really it's more just an evening out. ticularly if you’re a foreign student searched in connection with the pressed for cash and there was an I'd like to think that it would when you’re not getting any help agency. In an online chatroom opportunity then I can imagine just involve being the perfect from the government.” one escort from Kent described that I would." gentleman for a few hours." Sarah*, 22, a drama student in how a supposed punter, suspected 3rd Year male, Trinity 3rd year male, Trinity London, told Varsity she escorts “ to be a policeman in disguise, rang because “the money’s so good I her to ask her to go to Hatfield and don’t have to do too much in pressed her for details of other The Oxbridge escort on her He explained that he had a wife, order to live very comfortably - I THINK YOU KNOW FULL agencies in the area. The agency first date: Rebecca Heselton, spending his bonus on shoes, plus I enjoy it. Half my time is in question is alleged to have Newnham three young children, and that spent being wined and dined, women working in Herts, Bucks, “I guess I wasn't quite sure what he hadn't sat opposite an attrac- taken out to the best clubs, and WELL WHATA FULL Beds, Essex, Cambs, Kent, kind of people would respond to tive girl who gave him her undi- the other half is having sex, which London, Berks and Surrey. As a these ads, especially as I'd put vided attention for two decades. I enjoy. I don’t have the same PERSONAL SERVICE IS, result of the operation three men down my main selling feature He was also intrigued as to what “sexual morals” as most people. and one woman are being held at (?!) as 'having the most fabulous kind of girl would actually turn The way I see it, I’d be sleeping police stations in Herts. legs in Cambridge'. James* con- up. I think he was quite sur- with loads of people anyway, why DARLING There is certainly a lot of money tacted me through the site and prised. not get paid for it? I’ve never had to be made in escorting and related asked me out on a date. His At the end, I thanked him for anyone too hideous. Most of them sex industry work for students. Take online profile seemed quite nor- the meal, and explained I had to are just really rich and a bit weird. Me to Dinner does not provide a mal. Once I'd agreed to the date, leave. He didn't try and take I know that if it got really hairy I “no-sex” alternative - at least not for a sum of £75 plus expenses, anything further, and the could just leave.” one which would bring in similar my contact details were made evening ended with a hand- When Varsity’s “Kirsty” joined amounts of money. Many of the available to him which I was a shake and a taxi (he, naturally, the Take Me To Dinner to find out dates on the site are clearly using it bit reluctant about. On the night paid for the latter.) I actually what the members expected, one she was told, “the client pays by one popular Cambridge escort to sell sex and increase their prices I'd told my friends and family nearly missed the train, and Premium member described his ”the hour [£120; £50 goes to the agency to ask specifically for a accordingly. But they would make (not my mum though...) where texted him saying 'Nearly ideal first date: “drinks, dinner at a escort], and during this time you student escort he was met with more money and have their clients I was going to be and when. missed the train, I've caused an nice restaurant, followed by a are required to give them good suspicion, the agency owner properly vetted if they went I knew it would be busy and uproar in first class' to which he play… and ending in lots of pet- company, a full body massage and asking “why exactly would you through one of the established and light. I wore a short black dress, replied 'My dear woman, any ting and some heavy-duty a full personal service.” When want a student?” realistic agencies, rather than being he was, after all, paying for my uproar you cause will be first boy/girl action.” Another interest- “Kirsty” asked what exactly that As of yet there has been no offi- part of one deluded ex-Oxford stu- legs and ensured I looked pre- class'. In a way I felt quite sorry ed member, told her he had a wife entailed she was told “I think you cial study conducted into the sex dent’s dream. sentable. for him. and two children and in further know full well what that is, dar- trade in Cambridge. A spokesper- My first thought was 'omigod emails revealed, after apologising ling.” An escort agency owner in son for Dhiverse, Cambridgeshire *Names have been changed to you're greying and old and what Lottie*, a student escort for his English, “to be frank with the North-East told her that he Sexual Health charity said “as far as protect escorts’ and agency own- on earth am I doing here? Is this working in Brighton gives us you and excuse me, I want make didn’t know of any no-sex agency we are aware there is no specific ers’ identities really worth £100?'. In the bar an insight: quite a few people were looking I see one to three people a week, at us, probably trying to work usually for two hours plus some Prostitution: the law out if I was his daughter/ latest time for preperation and travel. wife/ or actually an escort. If I'm too busy I refuse work. I'm Before we'd even gotten a drink, finding study difficult because Soliciting: JAMIE MARLAND The actual act of thing. The people that are tar- he handed me an envelope this is my first term back after prostitution isn't illegal. geted by UK law are the per- which had the money for the withdrawing in summer 2003, However to solicit in a public sons that run the establish- date in it. I hastily shoved it into and I was a hopeless student place is. Soliciting can be any ments. my bag, feeling that if I did start then. Work isn't a problem, and action by the prostitute to gain Escort Agencies: It is legal to counting twenty pound notes in the benefits to my sanity of attention of another with inten- work from escort agencies. the middle of the Smiths at being self-sufficient are well tion of obtaining money for sex. Pimping and Procuring: It is Smithson resturant it would worth it. Having a real job would Importuning: It is an offence for illegal for anybody to control confirm to everyone that I actu- be difficult. a man to persistently solicit or the movements of working girls. ally was being paid to sit and talk My mum worries. My dad still importune in a public place for It is also against the law to live to him. We spent the evening thinks I'm stripping. I've never immoral purposes [some kind off the earnings of a prostitute. smiling, holding eye contact and had a really negative response of sexual activity]. flirting (but not excessively) and from telling people, it interests Brothels and Parlours: A pros- www.tinyurl.com/8egm5 we chatted about lots of highly them. It's far easier to say I'm a titute who works in one cannot intellectual things(!). I did ask stripper or a whore then to tell actually be held liable for any- him why he came on the date. someone I'm vegan! Client visits a popular “massage parlour” on Mill Road 6 Varsity Features 25.11.05

a final instalment from FITZ THE incidentally... Cambridge’s very own by zoe organ Bridget Jones... BILL here was a young girl The strange thing is that the Carrot. These things do who had a wild affair icons still survive even when happen. Fitzbillies: Restaurant Review by Anthony Marlowe Twith a boy who walked the love has gone. That girl still Perhaps they happen her along the South Bank from cannot do that walk without because love is untenable, and and Joe Schutzer-Weissmann Westminster Bridge to London the ritual wailing around the yet all we can do is grasp. Our Bridge. Once. When the rela- book stores under the bridges; arms are simply not long, or -bay is like a box of Most of us can spend thou- be judged by its cover and tionship went haywire, she the intense sense of emotion metaphorical, or quenchable chocolates- that is, not at sands on cheap Ikea home these sauces promised a great continued to make this walk simply wafts up of the pave- enough not to cling to the real Eall like life. Within those furnishings without ever creat- eat. They exemplified the most every night after school, (fling- ment: the relationship is thing. So we settle for this yellow frames of dreamy pur- ing such a haven and, to be important aspects of a sauce ing her hair against the wind, between her feet and the absurdity. How exacerbated chasing potential prices flutter honest, most of the couples being freshly made of good red-eyed and red-nosed, prob- stone. It would be horrific if this seems to be here, where aimlessly about, cut loose from there seem to be paying for the quality stock. If you’ve got ably beating her breast one’s lover began to wail every the tiny size of the place neces- the ties of worth and wealth. opportunity of a good Sunday space for a pudding have one - inadvertently) before hopping time they ate a carrot, say, sitates a re-patterning of Restaurants are a similar afternoon argument. In both the like most good things they on the tube back to Tooting. because they had once eaten a previously trod journeys with oddity of economics: the cost- cases our Mastercard pays for come with a health warning. The whole thing took about carrot with a lover long ago ever changing faces, but the demand relationship slides the quality experience, not the Wines are expertly chosen two and half hours. I don’t and the vegetable was now same old stimuli of ancient slightly askew and, with it, the product, and that is priceless. and provided by Bachanalia think this is as extreme a case ineradicably laden with emo- hysteria. If we were all to concept of value. In real terms which often throws up some as it might sound. When she tion. Worse, they might even retread our sacred journeys no restaurant in the First World quirky odd-bins- in this case a told me, my own seem to enjoy it- to Relish The with such emotional pomp, is “good value”: most run on a glass of the rich 18.5 per cent mind latched onto our college scarves the vehicles three-hundred percent mark- Muscat is like eating a basket the neglected of an itchy flagellation, the up. Then again you probably “ of fresh figs. There are few Tooting, at which place would look like a buy your ready washed and cut LIKE MOST BOOKS, things better on a Ural-bitter point she would have monastery on Ash Wednesday, 100 gram bag of rocket for winter’s night than a robust ceased her act of ritual (and the Tourist Trade would £1.50 and don’t give it, or its A GOOD STEAK Rioja. In England these wines devotion, lamenting her flourish.) But, con- real value (about 40p) a second CAN BE JUDGED are rarely worth the hangover unmournful, unmeaning- versely, there is a thought. There is the famous E- BY ITS COVER AND but here, however, we enjoyed ful surroundings. That’s tendency here bay example of a man who an Hispanic classic. The staff only because the eastern veg for objects to spent £8 on a five pound note. THESE SAUCES are friendly and efficient with- markets, and the lethal traffic become stale, for A lesson to us all there. PROMISED A out being intrusive. Go to systems that ended another set people to be first preten- Seriously, though, we all know Fitzbillies: you’re worth it. of romantic memories in St tious and then nonchalant couples who religiously chew GREAT EAT George’s hospital, happened to about relationships. There is no the fat over a sinewy Chez In a nutshell ring more pertinent bells in my Relishing, of no Carrot, and so Gerard steak- they are just as separate head. no attempt to accommodate culpable , perhaps more so at Where: Trumpington Street. Stories like this seem to our young collage of memo- eighteen quid a go. When: Restaurant stops serv- invite confession. London is a ries. The recycling of journeys The question then is When is ”In Fitzbillies you will likely find rich place to trace the pattern means that the objects of devo- ing at 9.30pm. an £18 steak worth £18? When both. Fine food and excellent Prices: £5 - £19. of interlinking amorous jour- tion become part of less you go to Fitzbillies it is. And portions. Scallops as they Food Highlights: Venison neys. Probably everyone has ritualistic events, like trips to this is because the normal rules should be: five seconds frying steak and scallops. their own landmark on that Sainsbury’s or to supervisions, of cost and product do not on each side and little else. Wine: Warming Winter Rioja stretch of the South Bank and so we grow old. And apply in this restaurant. Your Pigeon as preferred: dead and and thick sweet Chambers which they have burdened dumb. Objects renew them- £18 pays for a chef’s expertise, covered with a fantastic boozy Rutherman Muscat. with all the weight of intense selves every seven seconds or the finest fresh produce locally winter sauce. Two steaks were love or grief or celebration. so, as if we were goldfish, as if available, the lack of canned tried, venison and beef; both Ratings That particular place is so full this really was the Cambridge music, the relaxed and atten- were perfectly cooked, tender Food 8/10 of beautifully positioned lamp Goldfish Bowl it is claimed to tive staff and the soothing and more than ample. Like Value 8/10 posts, against which to set pic- be. This must be prevented: ambience in which to escape. most books, a good steak can Atmosphere 8/10 ture card gestures of romance. remember, and pay attention. Launch Party MAYSfourteen

Make Headlines. Communicate with over 18,000 readers. Established in 1947, Varsity is one of only two independent student newspapers in the country. It has a great heritage of quality and intelligent journalism, attracting the best talent in Cambridge and ARU.

We’re looking for passionate, dedicated individuals to edit the sections of the newspaper in Lent Term 2006. If you have a passion for writing, photography, production or design and have enjoyed reading Varsity this this year’s anthology term - or have ideas about how you can make it better - then we want to hear from you. No prior experience is necessary, just a genuine interest in journalism and the subject of of new writing by the section you want to work in. Cambridge & Oxford students You can edit any of the existing sections listed below, or even suggest an idea for a new one. at Associate/Deputy Editor Investigations Editor Visual Arts Editor Chief News Editor Science Editor Screen Editor The Vaults, Trinity Street News Editor Comment & Opinion Editor Classical Music Editor Tuesday 29th November, Features Editor Satire Editor Travel Editor from 8pm Arts Editor Restaurant Review/Food & Drink Photo Editor Free copy of Sports Editor Fashion Editor Photojournalists last year’s Production Manager Literature Editor Graphic Designers Mays for the Sub-Editors & Page Checkers Music Editor Cartoonists & Illustrators first 50 to Interviews Editor Theatre Editor Columnists arrive! To apply, download an application form from www.varsity.co.uk and return it by Sunday 27th November, at 5pm. If you have any questions, feel free to contact the Business Manager, Chris Adams, at Find out about how to get your new [email protected], or you can email any of the current team using the addresses on the website and in writing published in MAYSfourteen, the team list in this issue. Be a part of it! then enjoy a night out at The Vaults 25.11.05 Comment Varsity 7 DMWELCH ADAM

CRISIS OF FAITH THE CAMBRIDGE EVENING NEWS RECENTLY REPORTED THAT PETER CAVANNA WAS FAITH HEALING AT LIVING WATERS IN CAMBRIDGE. NED BEAUMAN WENT TO SEE, AND DISCOVERED A DARK SIDE TO THE GOOD INTENTIONS OF A LOCAL CHURCH

oday at Living Waters only there’s even a kid with maracas. me. It changed me totally. The mend that they see the doctor thing. It’s the work of the Holy one woman comes up to be Peter Cavanah, the pastor, gives progress is incredible.” Now she’s after they’ve been healed. Then Spirit to open people’s eyes to Thealed. Sue, 49, has had a sermon entitled “The Fear off her medicine, and she would they can go off their medicine if Jesus Christ.” carpal tunnel syndrome for more Factor”, about Jesus helping us to never go back to it. “Medicine the doctor says it’s all right.” The next day I speak to Tamsin than twenty years. She gets face our fears. “Why don’t we doesn’t give healing. Jesus gives I tell him about Katie, who has Brown, a local GP. I ask her about “dreadful pain” at night and have revivalism in this country?” healing.” She speaks with enor- rejected medicine completely. “I Sue and Katie and Peter Cavanna wears splints. During the day her he asks. “People say ‘It's not God's mous conviction. don’t know really Katie, she’s himself. She tells that the placebo arms often go numb. Her recent time.’ I don’t believe that. The The next day I go back to the brand new. I’ve had one tele- effect can reduce pain by up to “flare-up” was brought on by reason that more people haven’t church to talk to Peter Cavanna. phone conversation with her. 35% in conditions like carpal tun- wrapping shoeboxes that local come to Christ is that believers are He’s thirty-six and comes from None of our team prayed with nel syndrome, which would children had filled with Christmas afraid to show their faith.” At the Devon. “I was an atheist in my her. I would not endorse anyone account for Sue’s “lessening” of presents for Romanian orphans. end of the sermon, those who teenage years. I had converted to to come off medicines before they the pain, and many other “suc- Sue goes up to the front, along have a specific fear to conquer Christianity when I was eighteen see the doctor.” He says he will cessful” cases of faith healing. with three or four people who stand up, and then others stand years old. Some Christians shared follow it up. (Cavanna himself told me that at want spiritual (not physical) heal- up to pray with them. There are their faith with me when I was at But if people come to Living Living Waters “we have not seen ing, and Peter Cavanna, the pas- lots of hugs and a few tears. college, doing English at a poly- Waters and see him promote faith anything particularly dramatic so tor of Living Waters, speaks to her Cavanah is a warm and articu- technic. I was absolutely gripped healing as an easy way of getting far, just relief from pain.”) quietly. “Holy spirit come and late speaker. When I first spoke to by what they said to me.” He start well, then, inevitably, some of Tamsin also says it’s not heal these people,” he says. him on the phone it felt like he to help out at his local church, them will end up endangering uncommon for people to grow “Freedom come into you. Be was there in person, pumping my and ended up training for three their health. He’s in a position of out of epilepsy in their early healed now.” He touches her arm. hand. But he’s not like one of years at Bible College. Then in great responsibility. Does he twenties. Of course, it would be “Be free in the name of Jesus.” His those American televangelists 2000 he moved to Cambridge and accept that there will be more an unbelievable coincidence if eyelids are flickering in a slightly who shout about “JA-EEE-ZUS” became pastor of Living Waters. cases like Katie where people take Cavanna had just happened to eerie way, as if he’s dreaming. and sweat profusely and make At the time of his conversion, the message the wrong way? “We attend a healing service and come “Are you feeling healthy?” he Christianity look like a circus act. he had been epileptic since he was don’t want to play games with off his medication in the very asks her. She says something I He doesn’t feel fake or over- twelve. He had seizures about anybody’s life. So all I can do is try same week his fits naturally can’t hear, and he carries on. A bit rehearsed or melodramatic. He once a week, sometimes lasting as to ensure that it doesn’t happen.” stopped. But it wasn’t a one-off. later he asks her again, “Can you tells little jokes about failing his long as a day, and medical treat- Does he not worry that some- Cavanna told me he had tried to still feel the pain?” But again it driving test and his phobia of cats. ment wasn’t helping. Later on, times he is just soothing the come off his medication many doesn’t seem to have worked. He wears a shirt and jumper, no after Bible College, he would symptoms of illness, without cur- times before, without success, and “Pain, go!” he says louder. dog-collar or tie. When I inter- sometimes fall down while giving ing the disease itself? “I’ve not that his epilepsy had also been “Kingdom of God come!” People view him the next day, he will say a sermon. “Then at a meeting in really thought about that. I am prayed for many times before, in the audience say “Yes!” and things like “I don’t want to do Leiceister on the 26th November, young in this whole area, and I without success. At the service “Amen!” A bit later everyone sits atheists too much of a disservice,” 1991, fourteen years this week - probably will need to consider where he was “cured”, he told me down, and the service ends. and “It's not our job to convince praise God - I was cured.” He has- these things as they arise. People that he had no “great experience”; Sue was “beginning to feel anybody, we just preach the good n’t had a seizure since, and is now should, if in doubt, go back to he “felt nothing”. In other words, despondent,” she tells me after- news about how nice God is.” Not allowed to drive a car. their doctor.” there was nothing to distinguish it wards, when the healing didn’t “how mighty,” or “how wrath- Then, in 1995, “I was praying Is he doing all he can to get that from the failed attempts, except seem to be working. It was the ful”. “How nice”. In other words, with a girl who had been in a road message across? “There’s always that this time, when he’d given it first time she’d been healed, and he’s very English. Mild and mod- accident seven or eight years room for improvement.” A leaflet chance after chance, it finally she was “sceptical”. But by the est. Which is why it’s so strange to before, and since the accident she is available in the church that worked - or he finally got lucky. end “the pain had lessened.” hear him, also during the inter- had no feeling in her face. I warns “until you have been But that’s hardly the point. We (Cavanna will later admit that he view, talk about the extraordinary prayed with her, and immediately checked by your doctor, you can try to explain or debunk as “didn’t have any sense that Sue things he’s seen in his career: “HE TELLS ME HE’S the feeling came back into her should never stop taking any many cases as we like - faith heal- received a cure.”) She would cer- “scores” of crippled people who face and she burst into tears and essential medicines,” but there’s ers will always come up with tainly recommend it to others. got out of their wheelchairs after SEEN ‘SCORES’ crashed on the floor, amazed.” no way to know who’s reading it. something new. The point is peo- The healing comes at the end of Jesus healed them; cases of That was the first time he partici- He doesn’t say anything on that ple like Katie. I ask Tamsin what Sunday morning service at Living demonic possession where the OF CRIPPLED pated in a healing. subject during the service. the consequences would be if Waters, a Pentecostal Church off subject gained “incredible PEOPLE WHO This year, Cavanna explains, So does he think the benefits of someone suddenly stopped taking Mill Road, which lasts two and a strength” and “slithered around some local ministers paid for a faith healing outweight the risks their medicine for an underactive half hours. There are over seven- the room like a snake”. GOT UP OUT OF world-famous faith healer called to people like Katie? “I’m doomed thyroid. “Well, you wouldn’t ty people, including children, in After the sermon there’s the THEIR WHEEL- John Mellor to fly over from if I say yes or no, because if I say notice anything for a few months. the congregation, about half of healing, and now everyone is Copenhagen for some services. yes, then - well, Jesus says the You could easily believe that them black, many with the thick going home. But before the CHAIRS AFTER Mellor brought a “power” with good shepherd cares more about you’d been cured. But eventually accents of recent immigrants. The church empties, I speak to Katie, JESUS HEALED him, and since then healing has the one lost sheep than the hun- your hair starts to thin. You lose inside of the church looks like a 26, who says she was healed at a gone on at Living Waters. “No one dred in the flock, so that one per- your eyebrows. Your skin community centre, with its comfy previous service at Living Waters, THEM; CASES OF is more amazed than me at the son is important. But if we do not becomes dry and coarse. Your blue seats and potted plants. just by sitting in the audience. She DEMONIC POS- things that occur. I don’t like to pray for anyone in our services voice gets lower. Your whole Before the service, Christian rock tells me she used to struggle with think of myself as being gifted. ever again, there will be no more metabolism slows down, and so plays softly and the projector hepatitis, drug addiction, and hor- SESSION WHERE Jesus does all the healing.” What divine healing. Yes, there are does your brain. You become for- screen at the back says “Please mone imbalance caused by an does it feel like? “I don’t feel any- some people who are vulnerable, getful, depressed, unstable. Your make sure your mobile phones underactive thyroid. She thinks THE SUBJECT thing different to how I’m feeling who are more impressionable, heart starts to feel the strain. After are switched off,” like in a cinema. she was probably possessed by GAINED ‘INCREDI- sitting and talking to you now.I people who suffer mental chal- a year or two, if you’re not treat- The service begins with three or demons. (I find out later that, don’t feel a thing.” lenges, and we need to be espe- ed, your heart will fail.” four cheerful pop songs about although Cavanna does believe in BLE STRENGTH’ What does he think about the cially careful to take care of them. Cavanna said he was going to God. A woman called Iris sings demons, he doesn’t believe they AND ‘SLITHERED relationship between faith healing But I’m not a doctor seeing a speak to Katie. But he only heard and plays acoustic guitar, and cause hepatitis.) “I was told I’d be and conventional medicine? “The patient for fifteen minutes. We about her case from me, by there’s also a drummer, a backing on medicine for the rest of my life. AROUND THE Bible does not speak against med- attract crowds of people, so it will chance, and there will be more singer, an electric guitarist, a tech- But it wasn’t helping.” During her ROOM LIKE icine at all. In Acts, Luke is called always be difficult to follow any- people like her. There probably nician, and someone to sit at a healing she felt a lump rising in “ ‘the beloved physician’. If some- body up. People are adults, and already have been. Of course, computer and make sure the right her stomach, which she thinks A SNAKE’ one was reliant on medicine, and we have to treat them like adults.” maybe her health problems really lyrics are projected up on the had something to do with the otherwise they’d have terrible If it were possible to prove sci- were caused by demons, and the screen. Everyone stands up to hepatitis, and afterwards all her problems, we would always - and entifically that faith healing healing prayers really did get the sing along, and a few people in health problems were gone. The any reputable healing ministry works, would he be interested? demons out of her. Then we don’t the audience slap tambourines; healing “drove the demons out of would do this - we always recom- “We’re not trying to prove any- have to worry. 8 Varsity Features 25.11.05 HIV & AIDS: The Facts LIVING,

GLOBAL • At present, there are more than 39 million people living with HIV worldwide • There are currently roughly five million new cases reported each year POSITIVE • More than 70 per cent Next Thursday, the world will observe WORLD AIDS DAY. Every 90 of new cases reported have been transmitted seconds, someone in the UK is diagnosed as HIV positive. Last year, 137 through hetereosexual sex people in the Eastern region were diagnosed. JUDE TOWNEND speaks • AIDS has claimed more than 20 million lives to three people living with HIV in Cambridge, discusses the alarming rise • Over 8,000 more deaths are caused every day by of HIV among heterosexual women and explains her own reasons for AIDS becoming involved in Dhiverse, Cambridgeshire sexual health charity • Five people die every minute because of AIDS here is no safe sex Of course it would be a sad state It is estimated that 13,250 indi- certainly isn’t a comprehensive unless you wear a con- of affairs if partners didn’t ever viduals in the UK are not aware list - I know at least one person “Tdom, and even that is bin the condom: the UK popula- they are HIV positive. who, ahem, should be in there, not 100%.” Even unwittingly, tion rate might suffer some- A 20 year-old female student but has refrained from joining in UK our instinct is to wish they’d what. at Birmingham University told sheer disgust. As I say, I wish I’d change the record. We’ve all But what about all of us at me “I went to the doctors and never used the Facebook, at • There were over 7,000 people in the UK newly been hearing this type of warn- University, in today’s world of asked about contraceptives and least then I wouldn’t know that affected by AIDS in 2004 ing since primary school sex serial monogamous relation- an HIV test, and she sat back and I share so many people’s saliva. education. Fortunately, my own ships, with a significant propor- said ‘well, they’re both big topics Hannah Ford, the outgoing • The biggest increase in contraceptive knowledge has tion of women quite happily -I can give you an HIV test but CUSU Sexual Health officer, told cases of HIV are improved since the age seven, popping the pill every morning? I’d advise you not to - it would me she didn’t know whether amongst hetereosexual when, having been told by a The fact is, even among educat- affect your insurance so much’.” there were any students in people, the diagnoses friend that her brother had ed Cambridge students, we The student insisted on the Cambridge living with HIV. having risen by fifteen found a condom in the street, I don’t practice safe sex. Often, test, telling her doctor that she’d Statistically, it would be very per cent since 2002-03 told her: “that’s for your periods, the number one concern if a just returned from an African surprising if there weren’t. They • Since 1999, the num- my mum’s got loads in our bath- condom splits, or we drunkenly country with the highest rate of might be living in ignorance, or ber of new HIV diag- room.” forget to put one on, is a trip HIV in the world, and please hopefully seeking support else- noses acquired hetero- Luckily, I realised before it down to Boots for emergency could she go ahead with it. The where. sexually has been higher was too late that Tampax wasn’t contraception. My most embar- GP still refused, though gave her Crucially, not everyone is than those diagnosed much of a contraceptive - I hope rassing moment ever must be some clinic contacts. aware that UK infection rates for through homosexual sex she did as well, and that I didn’t crouching down behind the Whilst obviously it is impor- HIV are still rising, and no sector indirectly contribute to local chemist counter, aged 17, tant to give patients the access to of society should consider them- • But there is a continu- ing epidemic among Maidstone’s teenage pregnancy praying my best friend’s Dad confidential testing at a sexual selves immune. It might rightly homosexuals, repre- figures. didn’t see me and which form I health clinic, surely it cannot be seem outdated to only associate senting 1,908 of the But the same opening warn- was filling in. right to turn someone away HIV with homosexual men or 7,136 cases diagnosed ing is wholly more sobering Women might leave the from their own GP surgery on African countries, but it was in 2003 when it comes from someone chemist £25 poorer, but relieved the grounds their insurance pre- clear when talking to people in living with HIV. And, despite to be without the patter of little mium might go up. The student research for this feature, that • 2005 statistics will be having had endless hours of sex one night stand feet. Sorted. concerned has not got round to many still subconsciously do. released by the Health education, played STD team But how many of these women “ visiting one of the clinics yet. Yet the number of people liv- Promotion Agency on THERE IS December 1. building games, put condoms on then make the effort to go and A cursory look at the ing with HIV in the UK has dou- bananas, and worn our red rib- have an HIV and STI test? NO MORNING Facebook reveals that 622 peo- bled since 1998, and this trend bon on December 1 for many 58% people newly diagnosed ple are in the ‘I’ve pulled some- looks set to continue. I was years, the fact remains that a lot with HIV are heterosexual, that AFTER PILL one in this group’ group. shocked last year watching Posi- of us continue to practice unsafe has increased threefold since FOR SEXUALLY A quick explanation for tive Women, a BBC documentary CAMBRIDGE sex. 1996. Two thirds of heterosexu- Facebook virgins - how I wish I which followed the story of • No published statis- Some of us in long term rela- als diagnosed with HIV are TRANSMITTED was you - this strangely addic- three heterosexual women diag- tics on cases of HIV and tionships find it difficult to women. More than one quarter tive, networking website allows nosed HIV positive. AIDS in Cambridge are equate unsafe sex with what we of people living with HIV in the INFECTIONS profiled Cambridge students to Thinking I was fairly well available do with our partners, whom we UK do not know they are infect- join different groups in which educated when it came to sexu- trust and love. But as an inter- ed. For many, this is a conscious they have something in com- al health, I felt little could sur- • Clinic 1A at viewee told me, “you’re not just choice, as one HIV positive mon with other members. prise me. A very ordinary Addenbrooke’s Hospital trusting them, you’re trusting interviewee told me. “Many And whilst I am not suggest- woman told her story - a con- provides confidential everyone they’ve ever slept people, I know prefer to live in ” ing all these people in said group dom splitting after she had slept testing and advice. Tel: 01223 217 774. Open with”. At a recent sexual health ignorance, even when they have had unprotected sex with with a guy she’d met through Mondays: 1200 to 1800 training session the group was know it is extremely likely they the person they pulled, it high- her orchestra, and it suddenly hrs, Tuesday to Friday: divided as to what constituted are infected.” lights how small our Cambridge struck me simply how easily this 0900 to 1630 hrs unsafe sex. Surely unprotected Others simply haven’t got world is, and that we really could happen to me. There’s no sex with your long-term partner round to the test, or for other don’t know where our latest Morning After pill for sexually couldn’t fall into that category? reasons, haven’t visited a clinic. pull has been. And, that group transmitted infection. • Ed Williams is CUSU HIV & Sexual Health Officer. Email him on hiv- [email protected] • Cambridge students supporting • The Cambridge African Film Festival • Sidney Sussex: Karaoke night (1/12) c.uk Dhiverse in their Red and Alive and the Starfish Greathearts Foundation Campaign will be wearing red and present a charity screening of State of • Churchill: will be wrapping the • DHIVERSE, local HIV proudly sporting their ribbons, all week. Denial (2002) at 5:30pm at the Arts Hepworth statue in red ribbons (1/12) and sexual health chari- WORLD Visit www.redandalive.com Picturehouse Cinema. Directed by Elaine ty has grown since 1986 Epstein, this South African film was • St Catharine’s: Bop (2/12), welfare to include health promo- • CUSU Urbanite at the Soul Tree, 9pm- enormously popular when it screened at talks and games tion, support, advocacy 2am. As ever, the freshest urban music the Cambridge African Film Festival in and campaigning. For AIDS DAY: styles - on December 1, part of the pro- 2004 and the Sundance Film Festival in • Robinson: Quiz Night, Red themed general enquiries, email ceeds go to Dhiverse. 2003. The documentary puts a ‘human meal (1/12) info@ dhiverse.org.uk, face’ on the devastating AIDS crisis in or call 01223 508805. South Africa, while also interrogating the • Clare Hall, Magdalene, St John’s, People living with and CAMBRIDGE • Cambridge Stop Aids Campaign will be campaigning outside King’s College overarching structural issues hindering Pembroke, Trinity, Queens’, Newnham affected by HIV should all day on December 1. Their Awareness the fight against the disease, including and others tbc. Wearing Red / Raffle email posoptions@dhi- ParAID is at 2pm and candlelight vigil at the patent laws which prevented all but tickets / Ribbon selling / Bops and more, verse.org.uk or call 4.30 pm, both also outside King’s. the richest South Africans' access to all week. 01223 508806 medicine. 25.11.05 Features Varsity 9 DMWELCH ADAM

ANNA, AGED 23, DIAGNOSED 2003 t was that one night. We’d thought about getting a test. you that you can’t see. It’s the I went home after the diagno- “if he wasn’t already dead, I’d how to react about it. He didn’t been getting on well, and had I was constantly putting it off, strangest feeling to think some- sis, and my Dad was watching kill him” that kind of thing, she want to ask too much, or Isex about four times, twice and then I thought ‘I really thing inside you is destroying the snooker. I got straight back was really really angry about it. assume anything. with a condom. We’d had a bit should do it now.’ Something your immune system as you’re from university on the train and I don’t know why I wasn’t Which is quite nice: for some- to drink, and I’m sorry to say told me it was going to be posi- walking about. It’s so hard to I got in there and I said, “I’ve got angry. Perhaps because it hap- one to say “Yeah, okay” rather alcohol got in the way. tive. Some might err on the side deal with because you really HIV Dad - I’ve had that test, and pened to me. I didn’t feel that than the “Ohmygod!” kind of Afterwards I thought ‘I of caution, but something inside can’t do anything. You just want it’s come back positive”. He said same anger. reaction. I’ve had a range of shouldn’t have done that. I’m me told me that it wasn’t going to stop and start over, but there “oh, all right” and just carried on My fiancé’s been completely reactions: people crying, saying not the sort of person who does to be good news. The day I is really no possibility of that. watching the TV. That was pretty accepting of everything. - I met “oh, what a tragedy!” I never that.’ It did occur to me I could found out was a release. I was It’s the sort of thing any girl much it, and it wasn’t what I him last year. He’s always been saw it as a tragedy: I saw it as a be pregnant - my first concern. crying and I felt numb, but in a can do. For a long time, I felt was expecting. Then, my mum there. It can be tough and I’m bloody stupid girl. HIV wasn’t something on my way it was better to find out and guilty. It suddenly occurred to me came home and just completely sure I can be quite a pain to deal I don’t think about HIV every mind - I didn’t know about it. get on with it. I’d been so wor- that so many girls sleep with men went daft. She was utterly dis- with, sometimes because I day. My fiancé and I are getting I went back to university and ried for so long that I’d actually they barely know. You make a traught. I tried to calm her worry or the medication keeps married next year, and we’re still soon I didn’t feel very well. I got started losing my hair at mistake and you do something down, and sit her down and me awake at night. It’s nice to going to have children. Although tonsillitis, but, when you go back Christmas. It was like an out of stupid. All my friends have done explain it through, but obviously have someone who is patient it’s going to be hard, we’re still to university, you tend to. Then, body thing, like this wasn’t hap- that, but they are not the ones that didn’t really stop her. with you because they love you, going on. Before, HIV was my in November 2002, a guy that I pening to me. with HIV. That’s all it is - the luck My sister was angry, and I and it’s that simple. When I told enemy; now it’s something knew died. I started to worry: You’re going to university, of the draw. It’s still quite hard to think she is still angry now. him he didn’t want to over much easier to control when why had I slept with someone I doing your work, and all the find someone who is like me, my We’re close-ish but we don’t talk react. you’ve got someone to help you didn’t even know that well? I while, there’s something inside age, and has got HIV. about my illness. She just said Later, he said he didn’t know with it. CHRIS, AGED 40, DIAGNOSED 2003 y partner David, is HIV they were dreadful. They didn’t from my HIV. If someone were but just didn’t want to go for the whammy instead. the nature of HIV, and eventual- negative. Sometimes give David any support - no to ask, I would discuss it, but if test. I have heard from him once After diagnosis, David and I ly it is just there and managed. Mwhen we make love, it reassurance. The results came not, as long as each of us since; he went for the test, then went away and stayed with his It becomes like wearing a pair of stops me in my tracks; I can see after a week of hell, thinking intended to practice safe sex, rang me to ask if I could pay the family. While sitting at the din- glasses, you get used to it. fear in his eyes. I’m his first gay about it and dreading it. I will be there is no need to disclose my 150 euros for it! I said no way. ing table, drinking a glass of Not that me and my family relationship; telling him was the eternally grateful that my HIV status. The more people who David has said in the past that wine, I thought “Will they and friends will escape the con- hardest thing I’ve faced in my has stopped with me and that know about my status, the bet- he’d rather not know. Whether guess? Are they seeing anything sequence of taking that one risk life. But he sat there, and said no-one else has to carry the bur- ter. If it stops someone in that that has changed now, I am not different about me? Oh my God, that night back in Spain. I am “How do you know it wasn’t me den of my risk that night in split second of love and lust sure. He is not routinely they know I’ve got HIV,” irra- painfully aware that my life who gave it to you?” October 2002. from taking the risk, that makes checked, as we are always very tional as that is. expectancy is distinctly shorter I will admire that man for the I’ve met men who deliberate- living with my HIV bearable. careful. Ian, my ex-partner of Life goes on. We worry about than if I’d kept safe. I will be rest of my life. He could have ly don’t tell partners, and don’t I caught HIV from a partner I eleven years before David, the mortgage and panic about sorry for this for the rest of my told me to sod off, but he’s stuck practice safe sex. I’ve come was with for a year whilst living would never have tests. I rou- holes in school uniform and pol- life. around. We face it together as a across one man who pierces in Spain. When I told him, I was tinely had check-ups because we ishing little school shoes - nor- HIV changes everything, but a couple, he lives with HIV and holes in his condom before hav- more floored by the implication had an ‘open’ relationship, but mal, routine things don't go lot just stays the same. In the shares every aspect of the dis- ing sex with the partner - who of having HIV than angry. It was he said he’d rather continue in away. I no longer look in the split-second of diagnosis it ease bar in the disease itself. is completely unaware and my body and I took the risk, ignorance. I am certain he was mirror in the morning when seemed ‘oh my God, my life's David has a child also, making thinking they’ve had safe sex. and sometimes there are conse- careful, but that didn’t stop him shaving and feel absolutely gut- over, the world is going to come this even more special to me. But he is a bloody nutcase. quences. But, if I ever did see catching several STIs whilst we ted, or cut my finger doing the crashing down around my ears.’ The day after I'd told David My feeling is that I have a him again, I’ll punch him! He were together. I never caught gardening and go into panic. But everything carries on as we went to Addenbrooke’s and responsibility to protect others knew his ex was HIV positive anything, then got the double You develop a realistic sense of normal. KEN, AGED 57, DIAGNOSED 1993 y initial reaction was death sentence, if you like. But because the medication has lock my front door, I also lock my mum, who had a long-term really.” Gradually, they do see it. “you’re joking!” you here I am, 12 years later, touch advanced so much. Scenarios are my status in the house. illness which had no cure or Some tend to focus on where Mnever think you have MDF! I’m working and carrying nowhere near as severe as they Before my diagnosis, HIV was- medication, but she had a long you contracted the disease. I say been in activity where it is possi- on a normal life. were 10 years ago. I just explain n’t something that figured high life. She's my inspiration. On a “what difference will it make - ble, but underneath you know None of my family know to it to people by saying: “Oh, you in my mind. I was playing a part down day I think of her. From how will it help you now?” you have. You think it’s never this day.I haven’t told my know me, I'm always dashing in a play or a film, it was almost somewhere I have to find the When I have disclosed my sta- going to happen to you. friends. They would have a dif- about, I don't have time to eat!” like I was watching someone same determination. tus it’s given them a light at the Having got the initial diagno- ferent perspective on me and I If anyone still asks, all I tell them else, it wasn’t me. It sank in I’ve revealed my status on two end of the tunnel. That is a sis, my reaction was: well, I was would become the virus I have, is I've got a blood imbalance through the progression of time occasions to people I was sup- reward to me too. What I’ve going to change jobs, now I rather than the person I am. I which needs to be balanced by and my taking the medication. porting, that I am HIV positive. I gone through hasn’t all been in

won’t. I was going to get a new haven’t wanted to. My attitude is medication which means regular There were a lot of things want them to know it’s a ques- vain. NAMES car, now I won’t. My consultant to tell on a need to know basis visits to the blood clinic and the going on over the next few years tion of turning it around. You When I look back it’s like a said, “why not?!” You think, and most people don’t need to hospital. I think the average indi- [Ken’s father, mother and grand- control it, rather than let it con- dream. It’s only time that gives “well, there’s no point, I’m going know. It can make me feel isolat- vidual doesn’t always understand mother died. On the day of his trol you. To one guy, I said, “let’s you perspective. A lot of it is HA to die.” It’s getting out of that ed. - it relates to the stigma thing. I grandmother’s funeral Ken look at today and let’s look at your state of mind. It’s not like VE perspective which is the hardest. I started medication quite don't want to risk people treating received his HIV diagnosis] I look yesterday. Now, today you know that every day- there are days CHANGED BEEN It’s not dissimilar to getting a quickly. The hardest thing to deal me differently by telling them.” back now and think how did I something that you didn’t know when you think “oh dear, why cancer diagnosis - you think with has been the change in my I have this capacity to separate deal with it? All that time I was- yesterday, but other than that me?” My philosophy was to you’re going to die straight away. appearance. I don't want to me from different situations- n’t thinking about me. your life isn’t any different.” At make it a part of my life but not You think you’ve been given a make anyone feaful of outcomes almost Jekyll and Hyde. When I I suppose my one guide was the time, they say “well, no, not the major part of my life. 10 Varsity Features 25.11.05

It’s coming up to Christmas and as always I’m skint and I need to find a way to save SUPERHUMAN RACE money on my presents. I thought I’d give eBay a try but it seems that everything there is still too expensive. SELF-IMPROVEMENT AT WHAT COST? ZOE SMEATON EXAMINES There are a number of techniques people use to try WHAT DRIVES SOCIETY’S PILL-POPPING QUEST FOR PERFECTION and grab a bargain whilst using eBay. Many product listings get misspelled on ur grandparents had LOPEZ JON The authors describe how dis- eBay, which means that they Valium, our parents ease has been normalised by attract less traffic than other OProzac. Now it seems our these companies so that “more items in the same category. generation is searching for its and more ordinary people are Because they attract less wonderdrug. Over ninety per turned into patients.” traffic they also generally cent of Cambridge students sur- In a British Medical Journal attract fewer bids and veyed by Varsity said they article Moynihan discusses therefore are sold cheaply. wished they could ‘concentrate Female Sexual Dysfunction For instance if you wanted to longer’ or ‘have better memory’ (FSD), a condition which sup- buy a Sony Playstation you approaching exams, and, porters claim affects forty-three could try searching for assuming it were legal sixty per per cent of American women. “palystation” and “playsation”. cent said they would consider Moynihan describes a Procter taking drugs to do this. and Gamble campaign to raise It seems like that would Currently, the most well- awareness of the disease, in involve quite a lot of effort if known cognitive enhancement order to promote their new you wanted to go through drug is Ritalin testosterone patch for its treat- and check all the different (methylphenidate), which ment. “Long before its testos- combinations. I’m not sure improves users’ abilities to terone patch had even been I’ve got that kind of respond appropriately to a task, assessed for approval, the com- patience. and to ignore other competing pany’s global marketing had Luckily for you there is a inputs which would act as dis- been strategically targeting website called fatfingers.com tractions. Improvements are health professionals, reporters, that will automate your search seen in working memory, atten- and the general public, seeking for misspelled items. If you tion and inhibitory control. to shape their perceptions of enter the term “playstation” Ritalin is marketed primarily for female sexual problems and and select eBay.co.uk in the children suffering from ADHD, how to treat them.” drop down box the website but a survey of an American The market for such treat- will generate a search term college reported in the Journal of ments by 2008 is projected at that incorporates all the American College Health found around $1 billion, yet there is potential misspellings of that more than 16 per cent of still much scientific disagree- “playstation” and then takes students had tried the drug ment even over the definition of you to that search on the recreationally. FSD. But can anything ‘affect- eBay website. Currently one And therein lies the contro- ing’ almost half of the popula- hundred and twenty-two items versy regarding these drugs - tion of women really be worthy are returned in the search should normally healthy peo- of the term ‘disorder,’ and need results, all with very few bids ple also be allowed to use treatment? Indeed, Moynihan and low prices. them, given that they do seem and Cassels suggest that the to offer advantages in certain pharmaceutical industry really Ok so I’ve found the item areas of life? is “telling healthy people they’re I’m going to bid on. But I In an article published in sick” and “changing what it want to know what the best Nature last year, Barbara means to be human.” way to bid is. Should I place Sahakian, Professor of Clinical Dr Singh said: “It’s a very a large bid on first and hope Neuropsychology at good marketing technique, and that no one matches it, Cambridge’s Department of normalising psychiatric drugs should I bid whenever Psychiatry, began: “Our grow- and psychiatric diagnoses is very anyone else does, or should ing ability to alter brain func- much what the agenda of some I wait for the very last tion can be used to enhance of these companies is. I would- minute? the mental processes of normal n’t want to say that the pharma- It has generally been found individuals as well as to treat ceutical industry is not an that bidding at the last minute, mental dysfunction in people important mechanism for real or sniping as it is known who are ill. The prospect of therapy, because it is, it’s given online, will help you get an neurocognitive enhancement us fantastic drugs and we item for as low a price as raises many issues about what legal, then I think it’s fine.” moving towards a wouldn’t be able to live the lives possible. This is for a number is safe, fair and otherwise Just six per cent of students homogeneous society where that we live without them.” of reasons but the main one is morally acceptable.” thought that using caffeine, everyone is like a clone?” she “But if the pharmaceutical simply that it prevents you But Dr Ilina Singh, Senior itself a mild cognitive asks. “Would it ruin the industry creates the desire to be and other bidders becoming Researcher at the London enhancer, would give people diversity in society if we all took a certain kind of people, that’s a emotionally involved with an School of Economic’s BIOS the same ‘unfair advantage.’ drugs to function so well?” And form of oppression.” auction. When emotion enters Research Centre, and Managing But Professor Sahakian com- if many of us do resort to drug- Clearly, these issues will need the bidding process all reason Editor of the journal BioSocieties, mented that “people don’t taking to improve our to be discussed and some con- can be lost and people end up remarked that whilst the ques- realise the potency of the things performances, she wonders sensus reached if there is paying far more than they tion of whether or not people they are already taking, and that what will happen to our values demand for enhancement drugs should for an item just so they should take such drugs should even things like changes in diet of “motivation and hard work?” to be deregulated in the future. can be the winner. be discussed, “as long as the can have a profound effect on Dr Singh said that question- American consumers are already safety profile is relatively good the brain, too.” “ ing motives for taking enhance- directly exposed to high-profile That’s all well and good but and the side-effect profile toler- But for our students, it IF YOU COULD ment drugs is hugely important advertising campaigns for phar- the auction I’ve picked out able, it’s not really an important seemed simply the availability in trying to understand any maceutical drugs, and it may be ends at 5 in the morning. question whether it’s morally and regulation of the drugs that TAKE A PILL moral difficulties arising from only a matter of time before they This is where a piece of right (for people to use these defined whether or not they taking them. For example, hit our screens, too. software called JBidWatcher drugs), because people will take gave an ‘unfair’ advantage or TO MAKE YOU there are fears that any unusu- Dr Singh said: “It’s comes in. It is a software these drugs if they’re offered not. Many felt caffeine did not PERFORM ally large demand for them important that we talk about program released under the them, just like they take alco- give an unfair advantage might be being cultivated by drug taking in these terms so GPL which means that it is hol, or anything else.” because “everyone could take BETTER IN AN the advertising campaigns of that people can make good, free to download and use. One student agreed: “If you it.” One said “Caffeine, sugary pharmaceutical companies. informed decisions rather than You enter your eBay details on could take a pill to make you foods and the like are all easily EXAM, WHO In the recently published gravitating towards first start up and the program perform better in an exam, available in common foodstuffs Selling Sickness – How the World’s enhancement technologies then retrieves from your who wouldn’t?” and anyone wishing to use WOULDN’T? Pharmaceutical Companies Are and cosmetic surgery because account the details of all the However, other students do them would be able to in small Turning Us All Into Patients, Roy they feel that somehow it items you are currently have concerns about these quantities. Taking a named Moynihan and Alan Cassels makes them better.” bidding on. You can then drugs, particularly with regards pharmaceutical, however, show us the extent of this It seems that discussion and select an auction and enter to them giving users an ‘unfair brings with it ethical issues, and problem. The book begins: raising awareness of these issues your maximum bid. advantage’ – almost 40 per cent I know certain religions would ” “Thirty years ago… Merck’s is vital if the drugs are to be used JBidWatcher will then wait thought that it would. One frown upon drug use. Not aggressive chief executive in a morally acceptable manner. and make a bid at a explained that “exams should everyone would be able to use Henry Gadsden told Fortune “Cognitive enhancing drugs predefined time before the test, as much as possible, your these substances.” magazine of his distress that are a good thing, as there are auction ends (default thirty performance throughout the This was another issue raised the company’s potential mar- lots of people in the world seconds) as long as it is year and under pressure. Drugs by many students - if these kets had been limited to sick with brain disorders,” said running at the time. This will relieve some of that pressure drugs were made widely avail- people. Suggesting he’d rather Professor Sahakian. “But we of course only work if no one and don’t reflect how you real- able, people may feel coerced Merck to be more like chew- do need to consider the impli- else has already placed a ly would cope with deadlines into taking them. One psycholo- ing gum maker Wrigley’s, cations for normal healthy higher bid. and processing vast amounts of gy student said “if everyone else Gadsden said it had long been people too. As scientists we information.” was taking drugs to improve his dream to make drugs for must work together with oth- www.ebay.co.uk But another student felt that their memory, how would healthy people. Then, Merck ers including ethicists, social www.jbidwatcher.com taking drugs is “in a way just someone feel able to compete if would be able to “sell to scientists and even the general www.fatfingers.com like managing your time better they weren’t?” everyone.” Three decades on, public to ensure that our tech- or just being more focused. If Professor Sahakian is the late Henry Gadsden’s nological advances are used to Doug McMahon you want to take a drug and it’s similarly concerned. “Are we dream has come true.” benefit people.” 25.11.05 Features Varsity 11 FROM SUZY Speaks

ON THE LAST MARC TO JACOBS LOUIS VUITTON CAMBRIDGE VERSACE-ESQUE MADLY COLOURFUL, BRASH SHOW: It’s back to the good old Marc leaping through old Bruce Weber pictures and the team going to the vintage stores COUTURE and I thought, “you can only play this trick on us once, Marc.” I got a seven page let- ter from him and thought, “you can’t do that to people and say, ‘this collection has come from my soul and I’ve changed,’ and then go back to making jolly handbags the next season.”

ON THE FASHION SHOWS SHE MOST LOOKS FORWARD TO: In 1966 she was Varsity’s first female editor. Now SUZY MENKES tells Karl Lagerfeld at Chanel is extraordinary. He very rarely BENJ OHAD SEIDLER about being the most respected reporter in fashion misses a trick. In terms of n a late January day in day. It was the time when it was is a great achievement. Of the from LVMH shows, she laughs, showmanship, he’s very 1966, a letter arrived at all about the first woman papers I have worked for, I “Oh yes, and not just them, acute. I once wrote a piece OVarsity. Editor Suzy welder and the first woman - I think I was a very good fit with either!” that prompted the longest Menkes sauntered to the letter- don’t know what - electronic “ON ONE SIDE the pre-Murdoch Times.” “There are so few real design- letter I’ve ever had from Karl, box in white mod Courreges engineer. I was the first woman YOU’RE WRITING Clearly, she remembers fondly ers in the world,” Menkes saying that in the history of boots and ripped open the enve- editor of Varsity. Now, saying her first job after leaving laments. “The ones who have fashion Karl Lagerfeld would lope, skimming the text: “any those words sounds ridiculous. Cambridge. “But,” she adds, “I both the showmanship and ABOUT WOMEN play Salieri to Yves Saint society which allows a woman It’s so historic.” left the Times when the Times design skills are very rare to emerge from domesticity – While at Newnham (studying DRESSING TO left me.” indeed. The really frustrating Laurent’s Mozart, and I still her natural pastures... will History before switching to PLEASE MEN Menkes remembers “there thing is the whole idea of believe that. I do believe eventually become mediocre... English), Menkes secured was a man called Charlie celebrity, and fashion shows as a that, but that doesn’t mean

It was never intended that she remarkable fashion scoops, “I AND ON THE Wilson, a Murdoch appointee. I spectator sport. Fashion is now that I don’t think he’s still should organise or take respon- interviewed Mary Quant. I was had done a profile of Jean Muir more orchestrated and managed making a wonderful contri- OTHER“ YOU’RE sibility... Women who do this so nervous that I got the train and Wilson called me in and and slightly more sinister.” bution. either become extremely about four hours early so I BURNING BRAS said ‘What is this crap,’ and then But doesn’t celebrity spotting unlikeable or buckle up in wouldn’t be late. I still think tore it up, threw it on the floor take up much of the column ON LONDON’S STATUS tears... Yours faithfully, Peter...” that the point about journalism and told me to pick it up. He space of Menkes’ runway AS A FASHION CAPITAL: She published the letter. is that you’ve go to be there. said, ‘what I want on my fash- reviews? “You can’t ignore the Now fashion editor of the You can’t report on something ion pages is pretty girls in short cultural patchwork of your London is in a down stage at International Herald Tribune and after it’s happened.” skirts smiling at the camera.’ ” age,” she rationalises; “it’s stu- the moment. You’ve only got unarguably one of the industry’s Cambridge proved to be a Suffice to say, it wasn’t long pid to be too high and mighty to to look around here and see most powerful women, Menkes fantastic social hub, resonating before she had moved to the mention that Sharon Stone is what people are wearing and hardly remembers that first let- through most Menkes’ articles Independent. sitting in the front row, showing how they want to look like ter she received after being for the paper. “I came from a lit- Although Menkes insists that off her diamonds or her legs.” Tara Palmer Tompkinson and appointed the first ever female tle town outside Brighton - my “nobody is ever indispensable Menkes’ views on what she that’s fine, I’m not arguing editor of Varsity nearly forty idea of excitement was lunch in anywhere, least of all in jour- does are cultivated and clarified. with it, but it doesn’t make years ago. Upon hearing of it, a Chinese restaurant. I think it nalism,” she is generally regard- It is her elevation of fashion as she muses. was a ‘cultural melting pot’ ed as one of the most powerful both a major business and a fabulous shows. “I’d love to find him now. I moment when I went to women in forming what fashion challenging art form that will can’t imagine how anybody of Cambridge. Now, what I did is today, along with Miuccia endure as her legacy. Menkes ON REFERRING TO that age could be so pompous then seems very ‘dolly girl’ and Prada and Vogue’s Anna flawlessly summarises what FACHINETTI’S DESIGNS and have such closed mind. It silly. On one side you’re writing Wintour, perhaps attributable to today’s consumer-driven fash- FOR GUCCI WITH THE stuns me.” She cracks a smile, about women dressing to please her no-nonsense approach. “A ion might mean. “To me, the adding, “I think he’s wrong, by men and on the other, you’re number of people have said to question is not ‘what is high WORD ‘EUROTRASH’: the way.” burning bras - not that anyone me, ‘don’t you ever want to fashion’ or ‘low fashion’, but It sounds like I was incredi- This year, Menkes has been ever did that. I’d like to think I write about something more what is pure fashion?: meaning bly kind to her, really. After all made a chevalier of the Legion wrote something more mean- serious than fashion?’ But when that it actually comes from it’s wonderful to appeal to of Honour in France, received ingful, but I know I didn’t.” you think what the industry somewhere, and is not just eurotrash. They’re the ones an OBE and was awarded the With articles suggesting “the worldwide is worth and how copycat stuff. The truth is that that spend the money.Tom V&A Award for Outstanding ultimate sign of female success many people it employs, it adds these things only happen when Ford’s Gucci was glamorous Achievement in Fashion at the is when a girl gets taken to din- up to serious business.” something is happening in soci- but not trashy and it may 2005 British Fashion Awards. ner,” in her Varsity portfolio, it is Menkes disagrees that she has ety. People feel an anger and Sitting in a special corner hard to contradict Menkes. the ability to destroy a career, or desire to either ignore or kick have indeed been the euro- booth at the Wolsley, her ostrich But her social know-how got that she ever has any desire to against the status quo. In trash who bought the skin purple Prada bag resting her a massive scoop as editor-in- do so. “There’s never anything England now, ordinary dressing clothes but I don’t think I next to her, Menkes reminisces chief, as she recounts. “One personal. I’ve given Armani is incredibly boring. It’s just peo- would ever describe a Tom about her time at Cambridge time time the police came some bad reviews, but I’ve also ple going into H&M trying to Ford Gucci show as some- after leaving Brighton and Hove tramping in because Marianne given them some of the best I’ve find clothes that make them thing that looked like it was High School in the 1960s. “The Faithful’s boyfriend, John ever written, even when the look like an It Girl. Fashion is for the eurotrash ‘look.’ main reason that I applied to Dunbar, had produced a lump of clothing didn’t respond to my about the way you dress and the Cambridge was that my sister hash. I got us on page one of the personal aesthetic. I aim to be way you put yourself together; had applied to Oxford, and equivalent of the tabloids today fair. I would never apologise. I something that money can buy ON THE LATEST PRESS there was sibling rivalry there. with that story.” would always explain.” up to a point, but not entirely.” FASCINATION WITH My mother was an exceptional Menkes pushed boundaries in The fashion Doyenne stresses The Wolsley gets more person - our father was killed student journalism, introducing that she feels her power to crowded as dinnertime STELLA MCCARTNEY: during the war (he was a pilot). features reflecting the sexual destory far less keenly than her approaches. But Menkes I think she has something She always believed in giving us liberation of the age, at the power to help ‘make’ a label. remains fully audible over the to offer at H&M and I like a an education.” expense of making Varsity’s “I’ve always felt that one of the loud clatter of cutlery and gos- lot her sports line for Between bites of her tarte au sports section the shortest it has great things you can do as a sip, booming with excitement Adidas. I think she really citron, she continues to unravel ever been. “I’ve never under- fashion writer is talk about for her subject. her memories with delight; “I stood why they have to be filled somebody who otherwise peo- Suzy Menkes proudly stresses does it well. I actually think was fascinated by fashion and, ,” she maintains. “Does anyone ple might not know about; open that her greatest achievement is that she might be better in what you could now call a really read them?” doors for them.“ her family. With three grown- placed to make clothes gap year, I went to Paris. I went Menkes goes on to speculate Epitomised by her unconven- up sons (all invloved in media) that have got a real femi- to the Chambre Syndicale de la about her star-studded career in tional pompadour hairstyle that and 310,000 words published nine soul at accessible Couture. fashion journalism. In this most seems to challenge ‘Go on then every year, she has always been They were very strict and competitive of industries, there - ask! I dare you!’ one can detect a woman who has surpassed the prices at the lower end of very pompous - just as the six- is no other writer more respect- a mischievous side to Suzy norm. the market than she has ties were breaking out and in ed than Menkes. It is still her Menkes. She seems to enjoy We owe our first female edi- the creative well of inspira- Paris there was that aura of review that counts most to jostling in fashion politics. tor sincerest congratulations for tion to do a high fashion grandeur and couture. When I designers. Yet, she seems more When reminded that, as harm- her recent prestigious commen- collection. That’s what I got to Cambridge [in 1963] it proud of her achievements in less as she thinks they may be, dations, but also for her life as a really think. was really starting to jump. I “giving personality to a newspa- Suzy Menkes posing for Varsity her less-than-favourable cri- pioneer in such a competitive enrolled in Varsity on my first per - to be synonymous with it fashion in the 1960s tiques have seen her banned field of journalism. 12 Varsity Features 25.11.05 SO WHERE’S THE HITCH? JACK SOMMERS can take you to Morocco or Prague and back for free rriving at the Freshers’ their hearts. 25,000 is a pretty small number, ever befallen a hitcher. While AM Fair met by a wild sea of And I spent most of the rest really. The only prerequisites on the road, hitchers must ring Aheaving stalls and over- of that day stuffed into the back are that you raise £300 for Link their nominated, UK-based keen leafleters, it’s very of a hatchback, chatting in Community Development (for contact and the charity itself on

ANDREW T understandable that a daunted German to two Portuguese which the organisers will give alternate days. The former fresher wouldn’t be sure what priests on their way to Lisbon you all the support you need) (usually your parents) confirm to sign up to, or even who to for the imminent Easter week- and that you are over 18. Then to people at home that you’re approach first. This was me last end. Another subsequent lift you can hitch, in a pair or as a all right. The latter allows your year, like many others every was so appalled at the idea of group of three, across Europe to progress to be tracked and year, and it may have been you our hitchhiking on Good Friday Prague or Morocco. checked online. this year. that he gave us seventy Euros to Not that charity can’t often be And it’s important we keep I spied a school friend man- take a bus to complete the rest controversial. On my many up the good work: the hitch ning one of the stalls. I decided of the journey. We pocketed the fundraising tours of Cambridge was born here. In 1990, two to go over and after a lengthy money and kept hitching pubs, I encountered more than Cambridge students decided to series of How are yous, how’s anyway. one punter who thought eco- hitchhike to Africa to raise Natsci treating yous and yeah I We arrived in Morocco. nomic charity ineffective at awareness about educational took a gap year but I’m here combating poverty. I’m afraid I issues there and LCD’s attempts nows, I got round to asking can’t agree. Last year, proceeds to solve them. Now in its fif- about his project. from the Hitch were given to teenth year, nearly 3,000 It was plastered with photos (among others) schools in the people have taken part since, of students standing by road- “ remote northern parts of Ghana and not one has had any serious sides, thumbs extended, WE to fund some of their most difficulty, or suffered any set- holding pieces of cardboard POCKETED pressing needs – schools, class- back getting there. with illegible black marker pen rooms, teachers and even wells. I already know that the hitch scribbled on them. ‘‘So...’’ I THE MONEY Fulfilling a need as vital and will prove the best thing I’ll do asked, ‘’what’s this about AND KEPT basic as a water supply is not in my time here. Talking like a then?’’ HITCHING ineffective, nor is it without gap year bore in the College bar ‘‘You get sponsored to hitch- tangible results. The Masindi is fun, but it doesn’t compare to hike to Morocco or Prague for ANYWAY district of Uganda, an area Link actually living the ‘Backpack charity’’ he said. Obviously my has worked with, has risen from revolution’ Kerouac envisaged reaction was to presume that a one of the worst performing in fifty years ago in his classic year at Cambridge had sent him the country to ranking 8th out novel On The Road. completely to the fairies - he’d ”Obviously it was amazing; of more than 50 districts. At an So I’m going again; this time gone totally mad. Hitchhike? entering cities like Marrakech induction weekend for prospec- to Prague. I’ve heard it’s a fan- Who hitchhikes? I thought. and Fez felt like stepping into tive Hitch reps, I talked to tastic city, but it won’t matter if Hardly anyone these days, it another world of snake charm- people who had visited the it’s not. Because - honestly - turns out. Perhaps that is what ers, crowd gathering storytellers schools, and witnessed the reliving the hitching experience made it stand out from every- and everything in between. changes there. The fervour they is what I’m looking forward to. thing else on offer at the Fair. Camping out in the Sahara, talked about it with was heart- Fast forward to March this complete with sand dunes that warming. I can only imagine www.lcd.org.uk - Find out more year. My hitch partner and I look like they were poached how much more so it is to see about The Hitch’s charity were standing on the Franco- from Disney’s Aladdin and the the communities the charity has Spanish border. For hours, starriest sky known to man, was helped first hand. www.cambridgehitch.co.uk - The trucks had been ignoring our incredible. When discussing hitchhiking Cambridge hitch website pleas for a lift. We switched With such an amazing experi- 1,600 miles with someone, the between the truck and car lanes ence to offer, I wonder why most immediate issue is safety. Hitch socials ar held every Thursday with no luck. Finally, someone more people don’t do the hitch. Clambering into a succession of night at the Bath Ale House, from pulled over to use the toilets, On average around fifty stu- strangers’ cars may not conjure 7:30pm onwards. Drop by to find and the sight of us standing for- dents from Cambridge do it the most secure thoughts but in out more. lorn and looking stranded broke each year, which out of around fourteen years, no harm has a winter warmer

How to turn your ideas into reality A free evening programme to inspire individuals to pursue their entrepreneurial ambitions

15 Nov Mulled Wine what do investors look for? It’s cold outside, it’s week seven, you’re probably overworked and have likely drunk more tea than you can stand. With the festive season approaching (in Cambridge, at least) and the chill of an East Anglian Sherry Coutu, Laurence John, & Prof Richard Friend winter, mulled wine (or grog as it’s sometimes known) seems to be the answer. Even better, it takes almost no time to make. Mulled wines date back to medieval times, where they were named after the physician Hippocrates, and called Ypocras or Hipocris. Thought to be very healthy, considering wine at the time was considerably more sanitary than much drinking water, these heated drinks probably did more than sustain their drinkers’ health through the cold winter months. 22 Nov networking skills I Ingredients I Instructions Cambridge Entrepreneurs 1 bottle dry red wine 0 - 2 mins - Cut the orange and (Bordeaux is traditional) lemon into slices 2 sticks cinnamon 1 orange 3 mins - Pour the red wine into 1 lemon large saucepan and place over a 29 Nov 5 cloves low heat 1/2 tsp. grated nutmeg perseverance & courage 1/2 tsp. powdered ginger 4mins - 17 mins - Put all ingre- 1 star anise dients into the saucepan. Heat Jamie Urquhart & Alex van Someren 75g sugar until warmed to just about sim- mering, stirring occasionally I You will need 17 mins - Pour into mugs, and Open to all students, Cambridge University staff and members Large saucepan garnish with cinnamon sticks of the local business community 6 Mugs Knife 20 mins - a few hours - drink Chopping Board and forget the dark days of www.entrepreneurs.jbs.cam.ac.uk winter.

in conjunction with Lionel Nierop 25.11.05 Comment Varsity 13

TAKE ME Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls TO DINNER PROUD STUDENT Hannah Find the Cambridge that’s right for you ESCORT Fletcher

y foray into escorting Simon Calder began as a joke. MHonestly. The joke didn’t last long, oo often we think of computer room. “What are you though. Three days after regis- Cambridge as ‘unreal,’ doing?” she asked me. tering with Oxbridge Escorts, I and for many of us it too By her smile, it was clear received a call from Richard

T DIXON LAURA / CALDER SI easily becomes so. Whether that she’d already noticed. and Judy asking me to tell the this happens through immers- “Surfing for Spidermen”, I nation about my new day job. ing oneself too exclusively in replied reluctantly (a more It was excruciating. Richard any one of its myriad cliques, embarrassing ice-break than asked me what Oxbridge stu- or whether through devoting I’d hoped for). After having dents could offer as escorts. I oneself obsessively to academic graduated, I found myself try- mumbled something about study, we too often acquire dis- ing to explain to her, I’d good chat. Richard thought I torted and distorting perspec- returned to Cambridge on said shag. I grinned like an tives of Cambridge and - as three conditions: (i) a band imbecile. Cambridge students - of our- would be formed, (ii) sleeping And I may as well have said selves. With half of your patterns would be reformed shag. Oxbridge Escorts, now friends telling you that you and (iii) Varsity would be Take Me to Dinner, is not won’t get ‘The Full Cambridge deformed [I gestured at the about sex, yet the only argu- Experience’ if you don’t partic- Spidermen] by my unusual ment people can seem to find ipate in the college pantomime, illustrations. “Well, better against it is all about sex. and another clique exclaiming luck in the future with meet- When I emailed my dad to tell that what you really ought to ing the second condition” she him about my first date, he do is join the Union, it’s worth laughed at me. “ replied, “That’s nice, dear. NO remembering that even a Actually, I just wanted to ask SEX.” stopped clock tells the right you whether you know of any I have no morals. Which is a time twice daily (in the words clubs that might play anything problem when trying to argue of Withnail’s ‘I’). like The Pixies?” As soon as that escorting is not the same If something pushes a button she’d appropriated my knowl- as prostitution. Because ulti- for somebody else, it doesn’t edge of the Kambar, she mately, I don’t care. I am a mean that thing is for you: bounced back to her essay, cold, unfeeling bitch and I knowing who we are and what leaving me to search for my would sleep with anyone for we want to get from life ought superheroes and consider my enough money. to precede the process of comparative inadequacy. On The thing is, no one’s asked. choosing how to spend one’s weekends, so I hear, she now My first date started off as sor- time at Cambridge. calls herself S. Rosa. did as my wildest fantasies. I The abstract of this article is Perhaps we should reflect picked him up on a London that we ought to be less more about what we believe street corner - a young girl abstract, an underlying concern to be ‘good’, not just in looking to make some cash. He of many of the Varsity Cambridge but in life, not just was 40-something, balding, Comments page features this in Life but for individuals, paunch spilling over his waist- Michaelmas. Mary and Olaf got and not just for that indiges- band. there first with their features “ tion brought on by the Van of Unfortunately, the London on Su Doko and ‘Inverse If something pushes a button for someone Life but for Christmas: having street corner was the corner of Identity Theft’. Then Mungo a dissertation is no excuse for Cavendish Square, W1 and this followed suit in exploring the else it doesn’t necessarily mean that that not stocking up on stocking ugly man in the bad leather link between industriousness fillers. Then, looking at things jacket turned out to be the and deprivation. In all three thing is for you. ultra-rationally (which, roam- ultimate gentleman. He features, the facts that ing around alien colleges at whisked me from champagne Cambridge moulds exist and three in the morning, isn’t and strawberries at Claridge’s that it would (occasionally) be always what I do), it should to sushi and paparazzi at Nobu. fruitful to break free from them across an uncannily similar fig- essay-bingeing her way into bottle, I lumbered towards” a be possible to work from nine He introduced me to the were pivotal. Lamenting the ure - a Miss T. Rasa - when the Arena of the Unwell. But workspace near Teresa’s with to five, to play from five to delights of Ronnie Scott’s Jazz lack of a pivot in my own drunk in the Pembroke com- what could I (a graduate stu- the (once again) abstract inten- one, to sleep from one to House, where I sat, wreathed piece, I thought I might puter room at 3.00 a.m. a fort- dent rampaging round other tion of rescuing her (I had a nine, and not (a la The in smoke, feeling self-con- attempt to track down that night ago. people’s colleges) do to help superhero-complex: an expla- Rakes) to miss out on any- sciously, pretentiously, won- selfsame Blank Canvas who Bags the size of John’s her? Tripping over my Withnail nation follows.) Eventually, thing. Still, encounters in derfully cool. Then, with a complied so well with Olaf. beneath her eyes, caffeine jacket and almost covering a Teresa broke the ice between computer rooms wouldn’t be peck on the cheek, he put me Imagine my surprise then, being pumped into her blood- number of keyboards with the us, the two equally loony anywhere nearly as interest- in a taxi home. when I happened to come stream, Miss Teresa Rasa was wine I was guzzling from its inhabitants of the lunar-lit ing under such a regime. He finished the evening at least five hundred pounds poorer than he began. I, on the other hand, left notably richer - in experience, in confidence and in cold, hard cash. Do We Know Its Christmas Time At All? But not all men are like that, I hear you whine. Some are younger, some are slimmer, Why we should all say goodbye to our humbug some wear nice clothes and some are psychopaths. Not all men are gentlemen. Equally, not all women, and Zoe Smeaton even fewer Oxbridge women, ess than a month to go, and most and things haven’t been the same has some serious benefits at this time ble, and send them small presents are idiots. We know to meet in students are still wondering what between me and Christmas since. of year. (again early) that look pretty from the public places; we clutch our Lall the festive fuss is about. And But I’m not going to try and spread I’ll illustrate by means of an exam- outside; M&S gold-foil-wrapped toffees drinks to our (tastefully cov- that’s putting it mildly. In truth, a large the good news, or the joy, or even The ple. Advent calendars; you definitely stuck on the paper never fail to ered) cleavage; we have con- proportion of my fellow undergraduates Word. All I will tell you is that I’ve dis- need to do them, and make sure you impress. Don’t neglect other areas cerned friends and parents (at least the ones of you I have spoken covered some advantages to celebrating do them properly. Buy two, one for either; manufacture some interest in waiting at home for our hourly to) seem to be actively playing down Christmas. And I don’t mean the satis- yourself and one for another suitable what you mum is cooking up, for toilet cubicle texts. Unless we the yuletide season. faction of giving presents, or even the recipient - I picked my boyfriend but a example, and the result will be effort- actively want to have sex with They’ll talk for hours about the fact comfort of having faith: I’m talking close friend/sibling/parent/kindly god- less control over your noel nosh. a date, it would be very diffi- that everything to do with Christmas about far simpler pleasures than that, parent would work equally well. The Follow these pretty simple rules, and cult for it to be forced upon us. is too ‘gimmicky’ - just a clever ploy far more selfish, and yet somehow far advantage of this move is two-fold, you’re well on the way to a very merry We are big girls, more than to make money out of all those fami- more fulfilling. firstly you can have chocolate for Christmas indeed. capable of looking after our- lies with young children. And sure, it And you too can experience these breakfast every day for the next Now obviously, despite whatever selves. We are smart, lively and might mark the birth of probably the pleasures. Simply stick to a few Blue month, and secondly, someone else, Adam Smith might say, there are clear interesting. Is it really so single most influential person ever, Peter-style guidelines, apply them to thinking what a lovely gesture you downsides to such enlightened self- strange for a man to pay for but, unless you’re a Christian, maybe all aspects of Christmas jollity, and have made, subconsciously pledges to interest. For one thing the overt our company? Does he really there really isn’t anything that special prepare yourself for your happiest get you an extra good present this year. comodification of your life can leave have to be harboring some sick about Christmas. Christmas yet. Speaking from a purely business you with a big, gaping, soul-shaped sexual perversion to want to So perhaps we should all follow The trick to success lies in rising persepctive, I estimate your average £2 hole, and, what’s more, maintaining spend a night on the town Scrooge’s lead again this year? I did it above your smug disgust with advent calendar will get at least a five your cheer for a whole month can be with a bright young thing? myself for a long time, but one glori- Christmas. Embrace all things associated hundred per cent return, and go for one quite tiring. But tell yourself that in The fact is, if a man is look- ous December something happened. with the season (the tackier the better), of those special Thorntons ‘ice a name the end people will be more grateful ing for sex, he won’t be look- Having spent nearly ten years refusing and make yourself the life and soul of on’ jobs and you’re really in the money. for your jollification than resentful of ing at Take Me to Dinner. to enjoy the festivities, avoiding party the occasion when everyone around And the economic benefits don’t the presents you have guilt-tripped There are many easier and spirit like the plague and most defi- you is faltering. stop with buying advent calendars. them into buying. And anyway, keep- cheaper ways of getting it. nitely not being merry, I finally In short, love Christmas, and, in Ensure that every potential present ing busy with all this merriness makes Unless, that is, he strikes lucky snapped; I saw the light, if you will, time, everyone will love you, and that source receives a card as early as possi- the whole bloody thing go faster. and chooses me. 14 Varsity Comment 25.11.05 O KINGSLEY TOM

’m sick of cartographers. It was fine when map-making was just a Ihobby, but now suddenly we’re meant to take it seriously as a career. And all it amounts to is taking simple directions and kicking up an unneces- sary air of mystique around them. They say women want a man with a good sense of humour. This is not true. Women want a man with a good sense of direction: and more impor- tantly a man with a good sense of his own fallibility. Which, incidentally, is why the Pope has never been lucky with the ladies. I don’t think anyone would really have a problem with organised reli- gion if it simply involved alphabetising beliefs. A is for I believe in one Apostolic church, B is for I believe in one Biblical truth, C is for I believe in Cats. The advantages of such a sys- tem are easy to make out. For one, if the organisation system was properly signposted, there’d never be any dif- ficulty finding God. As it is, major religions seem to be CUSU asks: why bother standing up for student concerns when you could be controlling foreign policy in the Middle East or something... organised in order of importance. Christianity is organised something like this. The basic order of impor- tance (with ‘1’ being most important, ‘3’ the least): Why There’s Value In A Shambles

1. Charity Only a precious few are truly deserving of their decadence

2. Faith kay, here goes. Anyone attempt- bit excited his hands become clammy is a problem with the term “decadence” Mungo ing to write anything in defence and his temples start to glisten. It is as it is applied to eating rich foods, 3. Hope Oof Pete Doherty is in danger of amazing, and ever so slightly menacing. enjoying lie-ins and getting extravagantly sounding like an excited teenage rebel I suspect he might be rotting inside. drunk. Of course, nowadays things are more or, worse, a been-there-done-that rock Gosh, well doesn’t this all sound like a Getting your kicks out of luxury while complex and more things have to be roué. Hoping to have grown out of being pretty terrifying ordeal? Surely it makes you can is a pretty obvious thing to do, factored in. The current order is: the former and only half-heartedly aspir- you into a nasty little person inside? and university, to some extent, offers a ing to become the latter, I want to Well, yes and no. It is important to chance to do it. Call it opportunistic or 1. Not allowing homosexual priests defend the bloke only tangentially, not remember that what has gone off might declare it hedonistic, but to make claims into the church to excuse the substance of the man but be nauseating but not necessarily poi- for decadence is simply missing the to endorse his symbolic worth. point. Nobody really wants to rot inside, 2. Not allowing homosexuals Pete Doherty, to my mind, is of because it has got to be a miserable state immense social value as a monument of of affairs: just look at poor old Pete des- 3. Robes human decay. The man fits the bill as a perately riding the drugs wave. sort of pop culture role model that is too Being at university makes those of us “ W 4. Coffee mornings often overlooked in favour of His To become truly with a greedy disposition become sus- Supreme Virtuousness, Chris Martin; or ceptible to excess and surfeit: we can 5. Charity Coffee mornings downright bad boys bent on shame, decadent is the drink, think and do too much.

offence and semi-automatic weapons. Decadence looks so good in the shop oodifield 6. Charity Our Peter is a generation’s rotten-role result of a premature window, but if you’ve not achieved any- model. thing then you can’t really call yourself

7. Faith But what obstructs this view are those existential ejaculation, decadent. To exploit the fruit analogy poor imitators of that rotten spirit, who (finally), how can you possibly be rotten

8. It’ll do fine as it is, thank you get all giddy about decadence and self- after which you are if you were never really ripe? destruction. Well, more about them Well, we’re going round in circles The church I went to when I was later, but first a consideration of what it left limp“ in limbo here. On the one hand, to become truly younger was an example of disorgan- takes to get to Denmark (a horrendous, decadent is the result of a premature ised religion. The priest would often but absolutely essential, rotten state existential ejaculation, after which you forget to enact the transubstantiation pun). are left limp in limbo. Indeed, those that until after the communion, leading to It is a commonly accepted fact that to are the rancid hardcore serve to remind an uncomfortable little wobble in the let oneself rot takes considerable sonous. Rotten souls are not to be con- us of the painful reality that is living out stomachs throughout the congrega- endeavour. I shall tell you forwhy. It is fused with evil ones. It is just that their the postscript to your ambitions. tion as the wafers turn to flesh. fair to say that the vast majority of us springs of vitality have dried up and Alternatively, if you haven’t reached a When it came to Confession, he’d would be happy, over the course of our become fetid. This is the fate of those climax yet then you are just being plain also get a bit confused and start lives, to feel as though we had fulfilled characters, who, in striving too far, have self-indulgent. What to settle on then? telling you his sins. Unfortunately, our potential, whatever that may be. So left themselves without a viable return Well, that decay is obviously secondary they were surprisingly dull. In fact, spare a thought for the select and laud- or a satisfactory repose. Think of Icarus to achievement, and must always be some of them weren’t sins at all. They able few who overreach themselves to as the daddy of this family of over- judged as such. Let’s not cloud our were just memories. Turns out he got the extent that they begin to go off. achievers. If the sun had not melted appreciation of achievement by having a me confused with his ghostwriter and Of course, this is not principally a him, which is admittedly a pretty enor- preponderant obsession with the ensuing was dictating his memoirs. But it’s all physical phenomenon, though the old mous ‘if’, I bet he would have gone on demise. And let’s not all try to get in on right, I’ve jazzed them up a bit. “sickly pallor” is a good clue. It is a to lead a deplorably decadent life of the putrefaction just because we might But now that Christmas is coming, putrefaction of the spirit. I reckon that comparable disappointment. not be able to emulate the genius; there perhaps it’s time to turn back to reli- halitosis might be a symptom, because Comparable, that is, to his near-divine is no reflected glory in trying to imitate gion. Worshipping Santa does not, I every breath must be an exhalation of flying exploits. decadence. So go produce immortal think, equate to worshipping false that decaying soul. Other bodily signs “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed works of art, music and literature and idols, only to the lesser charge of idly are less discernible. That said, there is a his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” wrote then decadence will be your desert and worshipping falsehoods. Not idly wor- guy I know who keeps his room heated Browning - enough said. not your desire. There’s no such thing as shipping falsehoods comes at num- like a sauna and still sits there shivering. But what is the point of all this, and a free bender: you have to earn the right ber 19 in the Good News edition of But as soon as you get him in the least why should you care? Well, I think there to be rotten. the ‘Order of Importance.’ So it’s not that bad. Don’t miss the deadline to apply to be a Varsity section editor: the details are on page 8. Varsity will be back on January 20th

Editor James Dacre [email protected] Chief News Editor Amy Goodwin [email protected] Features Editor Jon Swaine [email protected] Varsity has been Cambridge’s Contact the outgoing section editors (left) to Arts Editor Ned Beauman [email protected] Sports Editor Joe Speight [email protected] Online Editor Jon Hewer [email protected] independent student newspaper since ask about the role, and apply to take their 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies place next term by emailing business@varsi- Business Manager Chris Adams [email protected] Production Ifti Qurashi, Michael Derringer [email protected] Associate Editors to every Cambridge college and ARU ty.co.uk Adam Edelshain, Jessica Holland, Mungo Woodifield [email protected] Arts Commissioning Editor Emma Paterson [email protected] weekly. Varsity is proud to be the holder Company Secretary Patricia Dalby [email protected] of numerous student media awards and a vast number of alumni now working in From everyone at Varsity, have a very Merry News Editors Rachel Divall, Joseph Gosden, Jude Townend, [email protected] Interviews Editor Emily Stokes [email protected] Christmas and a Happy New Year. Investigations Editor Zoe Pilger [email protected] Science and Analysis Editors Zoe Smeaton and Krystina Larkham [email protected] international media. Varsity also publishes BlueSci magazine, The Mays, and an Comment Editor Olaf Henricson-Bell [email protected] Opinion Editor Adam Swersky [email protected] Satire Editor Luke Roberts online edition at www.varsity.co.uk, and Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. [email protected] Web Content Douglas McMahon [email protected] Restaurants Anthony Marlowe and Joe Schutzer-Weissman broadcasts weekly on CUR1350. [email protected] Food and Drink Lionel Nierop and Wendy Tsang-Man Pun [email protected] Fashion Editors Tom True and Rosie and printed by Cambridge Evening News. All Ibbotson, Quentin Jones, Lucy Minyo and Aisha Speirs Fashion Content Benjamin Seidler [email protected] Varsity Publications Ltd. copyright is the exclusive property of Varsity Publications Ltd. No part of this publication is Literature Editors Tom Kingsley, Alison Pearce [email protected] Music Editors Mary Bowers, Sam Blatherwick [email protected] Theatre Board of Directors: Dr. Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Mr Tim to be reproduced, stored on a retrieval system Editors Laura Draper, Jenny Lee [email protected] Visual Arts Miriam Foster, Jonathan Yarker [email protected] Screen Editors Carly or submitted in any form or by any means, Farthing, Hanna Briggs [email protected] Harris, Ms Katy Long, Mr Tim Moreton, Mr Tom Wilkie, Mr Ifti Qurashi, Mr James without prior permission of the publisher. Photographer Jamie Marland, Hannah Fletcher [email protected] Chief Sub-editors David Marusza, Louise Williamson Sub-editors Rosalind Dacre (Varsoc President), Mr Tom Walters © Varsity Publications Ltd, 2005. Earis, Rebecca Greig, Tom Aizlewood Graphics Adam Welch, Tom Kingsley, Tom Windley [email protected] and Mr Jon Hewer 11-12 Trumpington St.,Cambridge CB2 2PH. Tel: (01223) 353422 Fax: (01223) 352913 25.11.05 Comment Varsity 15 Correspondence email us: [email protected]

Continued from the front page... or write to: Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA and Graham Virgo’s interpretation of the Charity Commission guidance, as “a load of bullshit”, perhaps indicative of the determination of some The Union Library: hour session without seeing Union, you are rather battered Letters within CUSU’s ranks to ride roughshod over the rules binding the posi- No tea in sight anyone else at all and, as a mat- over the head with the reality tions to which they were elected by fellow students. ter of interest, it was not even that the Tory-boy stereotype is goodwill in pursuing this. Some ordinary members of CUSU seem equally determined; in the possible to get a cup of tea. I, for far truer of it than of the Union next CUSU Council a motion will be brought by Josh Robinson of Dear Sir, one, would be very interested to here. Joe Devanny Queens’ College resolving that “CUSU work with the trade unions and know how £16,000 per annum I found the Union to be a Cambridge Union President Labour MPs to oppose New Labour’s assault on public services and the I read your article on the cur- is reckoned to be spent on the welcoming place which didn’t Lent 2002 welfare state”. This would again be in clear contravention of the Charity rent state of the Union Society Union Library. conform to the stereotypes; I Commission guidelines on CUSU’s role. However, when asked by Varsity with considerable interest as I wouldn’t have said the same in in this term’s first issue “what CUSU is, and what it does”, many was employed by the Society in Ann Keith Oxford. Also, the Oxford Union Totally Platonic Cambridge students were unable to answer. The same poll revealed that 2001-2 to attend to the day-to- Deputy College Librarian suffers less competition as a a majority of Cambridge students wanted CUSU to focus on small-scale day running of the Library. Christ’s College central venue for students from issues, such as the campaign for better lighting on Parker’s Piece. This Although the Library is “well- the smaller Oxford colleges Dear Sir, campaign has so far been running for three years without any discernible stocked” and, indeed, has fine col- Oxford’s Union has than is true in Cambridge with success. Students felt that wider political issues should be left to lections of, inter alia, biography, its own problems its much more lively college Breaking news! Philosophy fails autonomous organisations such as Roots and Shoots, CU Amnesty travel and history, much of the fic- environment. to provide "Meaning of Life"; International, People and Planet and the Education not for Sale network. ton stock in particular has been in As a competitive debating branded "irrelevant" to non- Laura Walsh campaigned in her own election manifesto to “bring CUSU a very poor state for many years Dear Sir, society Cambridge more than philosophers! Ethics abolished! back to Cambridge.” At present she appears curtailed in her efforts to do and it was largely this old and holds its own against Oxford; (Varsity Features, 18 November) so. We implore that she redouble her efforts to this end. decrepit material that was put into Your leader about the Union we were the best in Britain and I appreciate that there is an At the beginning of term, Walsh admitted that CUSU had been “crap a recent book sale. last week (Varsity News, 18 arguably the world last year. interesting debate about the at letting people know what they’re doing.” This seems still to be the case. It is very unfair to the present November) had some good And in the variety and quality interplay between the philoso- All eyes on CUSU seem focused on attempts by a minority to harness Senior Librarian, who works points and some bad points. of other entertainments and phy of science and general sci- CUSU’s structures for personal ends, giving an inaccurate image of time- hard for the Union Library However, in its comparison facilities, the Union truly has entific practice, but "philosophy wasting bureaucracy. Attention to the good work done by some members without any remuneration, to with the Oxford Union, your lots to offer. postulates problem of induc- of the Executive threatens to be overshadowed. Three important aware- imply otherwise. When I article omitted relevant facts: Long term planning is cer- tion; fails to solve it; science ness campaigns that CUSU have been running this year, concerning men- worked at the Union, the the Cambridge Union is often tainly most necessary but I have works anyway; entire field irrel- tal health, educational equality and women in sport have received very Library was ignored and neg- criticised for the significant cost every confidence in the present evant" isn't it. little promotion, even from CUSU-funded student newspaper TCS. lected by virtually the entire of its membership fee (£85) and Officers that they are good peo- Last week a motion called “Policy and the Law”, brought to CUSU membership, so it is ironic to the proliferation of Tory-boy, ple, who know what needs to Matt Woodward Council by Adam Colligan of Selwyn, requested that CUSU reaffirm its see it now held up as an asset public school types but the be done and will do everything Pembroke College commitment to preventing illegal motions being passed. The motion that is being unreasonably Oxford Union membership fee they can to effect it. It is nice to sought CUSU’s reaffirmation of its own Standing Orders; that the illegal- milked. is almost twice as expensive know that they can now also Letters may be edited for ity of a motion should be reason for its being struck down. This motion I frequently worked a five- and, if you visit the Oxford rely on Varsity’s support and space and style was rejected by CUSU Council. As Matt Clifford, President of the Union of Clare Students asked, “what does it say about CUSU Council that it The scandalous gratuitousness; scandal does not black where I read white.” or any other minority, as a taboo feels threatened enough by its own standing orders to reject a motion that Bible: a worthy read necessarily make good art and I subject. It can be spoken of with merely draws attention to them?” reserve the right to be offended. Andy Wimbush a sense of humour, but that The attempted politicisation and resulting ineffectiveness of CUSU has But nevertheless, I am not for Jesus College must be coupled with a proper already led to threats of disaffiliation from a handful of JCRs and MCRs. Dear Sir, closing myself off to the darker respect and sensitivity. (I would Downing MCR are voting on affiliation next week and Downing JCR side of human nature and the Insensitive remarks be writing the same letter if the intend to vote in the New Year with the hope of “sending a message to If we were to follow the advice universe that the Bible so clear- author was a Jew.) CUSU that something needs to change.” Magdalene MCR disaffiliated of Mark Hopkins (Varsity Arts, ly illustrates in its stories. Divine Mr McNestrie's words are not three years ago. 18th November) and realise that and mortal tyranny is shown to Dear Sir, excused by the hyperbolical Other JCRs are determined to try to work within CUSU’s existing the more notorious works of us a mirror image of infanticide context of the rest of his article. framework to rectify the situation. Three Selwyn students are bringing English literature (Coriolanus, - God does his part in Exodus, Adam McNestrie (Varsity Com- He appropriates the fascist per- motions to CUSU Council next week in direct response to recent per- Lolita, Lady Chatterley's Lover per- and Herod returns the favour in ment, November 18) speculates secution of Jews for one ceived CUSU failings. Emmanuel JCR President Peter Parkes told Varsity haps) are not fit topics for week- the gospels. flippantly that college authori- moment of throw-away rheto- “CUSU performs an incredibly useful job, but its focus needs to be ly essays, then we would also Every day the world seems a ties may be happier if students ric; this is both cheap and cheap- brought back to issues that affect students as students”. Emile Axelrad, have to cast out one of the most little bit closer to the catastroph- without scholarships “were ening. Downing JCR Treasurer, called for a complete reformation of CUSU and important texts of all. The Bible ic telos of Revelation when forced to display a symbol of The history of educational the cutting back of the “vast number of unnecessary things that CUSU is not just concerned with the humanity finds it necessary to their relative tripos ineptitude: a practice has its dark patches, but do”. These sentiments were echoed by JCR representatives at Gonville “lovely” but also the abom- fall back on the easy dualisms of Star of David perhaps or, less they are rarely as dark as the and Caius, Jesus, Clare, St Catharine’s, Peterhouse and Magdalene. One inable, the horrific and the wicked and righteous, drowned controversially, a dunce's hat.” history of the Jews in fascist Caius student told Varsity “it’s just not the job of CUSU to be trying to deal downright disturbing - and I'm and saved. And let's not forget Such frivolous reference to Europe, nor are they lamented with national political issues. It’s clearly not in its remit, and trying to do not just talking about the sins of the concubines, stonings and the history of Jewish persecu- so deeply and by so many. This so is a complete waste of time. No-one is going to take CUSU seriously human beings. It certainly has unexpected smitings. tion is demeaning to the memo- historical reality does not cease again until this is stopped”. its fair share of “sweat, blood So, if self-censorship is so ry of those who suffered that to matter just because one is The possibility of a streamlined CUSU and a separate Graduate Union and tears” (to say nothing of the important, then why didn't the persecution. It is insulting to writing for Varsity's comment was welcomed by Downing MCR Vice President Tom Larsen. He told Var- unfair tears). Divine Author lead by example? those yet living, who lost family pages. Mr McNestrie, an histori- sity “there is nothing that CUSU provides that the Graduate Union can’t, It is because of these things, as But then, I expect that Mark and and were forced to flee occupied an (and, lest we forget, a schol- and it often provides better”. He said “although in an ideal world there well as the pure, the good and would differ in our interpreta- Europe. It is insulting to their ar), should know this as well. would be one all-encompassing Union, it just isn’t working. It’s going to the lovely, that the Bible still tions and applications of scrip- grandchildren, one of whom is take JCRs and MCRs pulling out to actually make CUSU sit up and take matters, just as much as ture; as William Blake so astute- writing this letter. Tom Secretan notice.” Shakespeare . ly put it: “Both read the Bible I do not write this because I Sidney Sussex College CUSU President Laura Walsh told Varsity “CUSU hasn’t been politi- Now I've never been one for day and night, But thou readst see the persecution of the Jews, cised; it’s CUSU Council that has been politicised.” She said “CUSU is like the NHS – you might not always use it, but you’d miss it if it was gone”. However, Varsity agrees with students’ accusations of serious failings in The Opera. However, it seems lies in its power to moralise” - remains a common law the areas of HE Funding and Access. Helen Marks, Downing College your contributors had not suf- since any viewpoint on cen- offence. Jerry Springer is a Access Officer, told Varsity of the frustration that she felt over CUSU’s ficiently thought through the sorship, including that which blasphemous piece of contro- inability to adequately engage with the issue of access. She was critical of complex network of issues. advocates total free speech, is versy-baiting drivel that is the “inefficient Target Schools scheme, which has been running with a Firstly, attitudes towards essentially a moral one - it is offensive to those principles disappointing level of success” and said that “something needs to drasti- censorship are a mirror for about judging what is accept- on which our country is cally change” to make it effective again. Currently only 10 percent of mail changing social attitudes - able in our society, and what founded - it is perfectly rea- sent to schools by CUSU regarding Access issues ever receives a reply. At attitudes which taken togeth- should be done with those sonable to have it censored. the moment there is insufficient co-ordination between the different er are contradictory rather who choose to say unaccept- What surprises me is that branches of Access work that go on across the University. “The CUSU than coherent. Those who able things. such an argument, which Access Officer was invited to attend one of our meetings. At the moment clamour for freedom of speech Thirdly, since society has a would have been taken for there is little cross-over between the two…it’s been made clear to him actually tend to mean free- role to protect as well as granted by most educated that if he wants to work with us then we think it’s a very good idea.” She dom of speech on certain empower its members (eg people 50 years ago, is now so went on “there just has to be more co-ordination between the colleges issues, but not others - eg for prisons for criminals), censor- little aired. Well now it has and the CUSU Access Officer”. such an avowedly liberal ship is not in itself an illogical been. To the passive observer, CUSU have allowed themselves to be seen to body, CUSU is remarkably (or “bad”) thing - it is simply be pouring time, energy and money into the access problem whilst appar- quick to censor those it deems part of this duty to protect. Mark S Smith ently achieving little more than stasis. Our “Three weeks, Three threats: as holding “unacceptable” The problem comes, of course, Peterhouse College No Warnings” article, issue 625, highlighted the total lack of communica- opinions (ie racist, sexist or in deciding what to censor. It tion between colleges with regards to student safety and CUSU’s inablilty homophobic). seems logical that anything to inspire confidence in the student population regarding matters of stu- Letter of the Similarly, it is notable that which seeks to gratuitously dent safety. Vicki Mann, CUSU Welfare and Graduate Affairs Officer, the play Behzti, which angered and perniciously subvert what Letter of the responded that whilst is a system in place, she “doesn’t know what’s gone Week the Sikh community, was can- our society stands for should wrong this term.” Following three years’ effort and three high-profile celled, but Jerry Springer: The be treated with appropriate Week wins a campaigns, CUSU are still unable to bring lights to Parker’s Piece. They Opera, which angered many distain, and censored. specially select- still remain without a building despite contravening disability laws and Christians, survived tri- It follows from this that ed bottle from former CUSU President Wes Streeting’s admission that “We know our CENSORED umphantly. We must be wary blasphemy (ie gratuitous and building is crap, students know our building is crap, the University know (not really) of consecrating the transient scurrilous assault of the our friends at our building is crap”. CUSU student cards reached students almost a opinions of our own age as Christian God) should similar- Cambridge Wine month late this year, having been sent to Hong Kong. Dear Sir, eternal truths, for what is ly be censored - for it seeks to Merchants, Given this range of issues on which they seem in serious danger of now judged “unacceptable” destroy the foundations of our falling behind, Varsity strongly suggests that members of the CUSU exec- I read with interest your fea- may come to be seen as fair nation as a Christian country, King's Parade utive devote their time and energy to saving its students rather than sav- ture on the “pearls and perils game, and vice versa. ruled over by a Christian ing the world, and determinedly sideline any attempts – from inside or of artistic freedom”, and in It is therefore wrong to monarch, in the embrace of out – to achieve the contrary. particular its relation to the state, as Ms Paterson does, an established Christian controversial Jerry Springer: that the “hazard of censorship Church, where blasphemy 16 Varsity Features 25.11.05 JAMIE MARLAND TOM KINGSLEY/PHOTO BY

SHE IS A PROLIFIC, BEST-SELLING NOVELIST, A CONSERVATIVE BARONESS... AND A SERIAL MURDERER. JONATHAN YARKER CATCHES AN EXHIBITION AT THE FITZWILLIAM WITH PD JAMES, AND ALSO JOINS HER FOR LUNCH

D James looks like any on its head. She usually makes A physiological need to “be brutal” - she encourages, understanding is far from the other white-haired, you wait a good hundred write and a relish of control – and I suggest that her work is a prescriptive stereotype of those Pbespectacled pensioner, pages before the first body is even of controlled destruction form of egotism. She laughs, two organisations. but behind the smile and glass- discovered. “I nearly always – would indicate a domineer- “Oh of course, I am an egotist, Her voice is educated, not es lurks a serial killer. Her vic- let the reader know far more ing personality, but her books but then so are you.” Touché. heavily patrician but clear and tims might be fictional, but her than the detective: this makes are devoid of any overbearing My justification lies not inviting. PD James looks like relish at their demise is tangi- the final deduction much voice. “Well, my dear, voice is merely in the universal Mrs Tiggywinkle, or Margaret ble. Baroness James of Holland more satisfying.” difficult; I’m certainly not a writer’s belief that people will Rutherford playing Miss Prism Park is one of the countries The observations of the didactic writer,” she smiles. want to read what she writes, in The Importance of Being most respected novelists, and crime fighting hero are “When I’m writing a character but in her constant attempt to Earnest. Her approachable, at eighty-five she has just pub- replaced by a complex matrix I become that character, even place her writing in the domestic appearance means lished her nineteenth book, of connections, evocative land- if, like in The Lighthouse, he English canon through refer- we end up talking about food, The Lighthouse. scapes and fragments of con- turns out to be a homosexual ences to countless authors and central heating, her cats and “A crime fiction writer in versation, motifs are left half rock climber in his twenties.” texts – and her relentless pub- people we have known. James her eighties!” I hear you cry. explored, and facts semi- This sounds improbable lic appearances and perform- explains the loss of a pair of “Why is this article in Varsity exposed. Thus, when the mur- looking at the diminutive fig- ances. “I am a failed actress,” black trousers to a thief at and not Good Housekeeping?” der suddenly shakes the order- ure in an Alice Band, and we she laughs. “I love perform- M&S, “my dear, the whole Well, for the simple reason ly world James has carefully both laugh. But she adds: “of ance, but I only do things I thing is very annoying.” But that James is a truly great built, it becomes all the more course all literature is to some know I can do and do well.” there is an elegiac quality to writer. Her books are shocking. “I get great pleasure extent autobiographical – so I My bruised pride demands the story, not for the loss of the intelligent, beautifully crafted from placing a crime in a bring my personal experience her justification for labelling trousers, but for the loss of a and refreshing. Because she’s strongly institutional setting, to each character. Every me? “Dear, interviews are common decency and decline no Agatha Christie: her plots and contrasting the discipline woman knows the fear of nearly always more about the in morality. This is not fuelled aren’t ‘Colonel Mustard in the of the institution with the being followed at night, and I interviewer than the intervie- by nostalgia, but a fear for the Drawing room with the lead- undisciplined – anarchic, if use this everyday emotion to wee. In any case all the best future. Like Dalgliesh at the piping’: they’re full of an you like – nature of murder, describe the terror of being people have an ego.” end of The Lighthouse, PD insight and humanity that is and showing how it affects a raped.” But a gay rock climber Phill James is more than a James admits the last few missing in much modern cast of intelligent people.” Her in his twenties? “Well I can novelist. She is a mother and decades are “not one of our literature. neat hands echo this senti- imagine his sexual drive, the grandmother, a successful greatest successes.” It is too easy to point out ment, as she smooths out the awful prejudices and the hopes politician, retired civil servant, Is it possible that James, like the trite dichotomy between creases in her skirt only to fold and fears of someone young member of countless her agnostic creation the fastidious Anglican grand- her legs and crumple them and confused.” Perhaps I look committees and an extremely Dalgliesh, is a liberal human- mother and her plots. It is easy again suddenly. young and confused, because active broadcaster. ist? “Yes – I suppose I am a and lazy, because, to write PD Her piercing eyes survey the she smiles at me. Our discussion turns to poli- humanist, I believe in the utter James off as an eccentric, shabby grandeur of the “ tics over coffee. Since 1991, sanctity of the individual.” The modern Christie, misses the Fitzwilliam gallery and she I DON’T ames has empathy with she has sat as Baroness James question seems to interest point. In Devices and Desires, observes “I almost always all her characters. In A of Holland Park in the Lords, a James, and she smiles. “I the killer whistles hymns begin with a location. It helps THINK WE JTaste for Death, she even duty she relishes and takes believe in order over anarchy, while strangling his victims, to create atmosphere: the nec- makes the psychopathic killer very seriously. freedom over servitude.” I then stuffs their mouths with essary aura of suspense, men- COME INTO the object of sympathy: “if you Only the night before, she think that this is the voice, this pubic hair: hardly the stuff of ace and mystery.” remember, it is the murderer had voted against the govern- is the message, that James Miss Marple. Like Brontë’s moor, location THE WORLD who discovers the little boy is ment’s proposal for 24 hour communicates with every syl- Lady James, is not, as her appears as an extra character in ill, it is the murderer who licensing. “We are in an age lable of her work. It is the rea- title would suggest, grand. James’s books. It is possible to AS KIND saves the child’s life.” where if you question the son her novels are so popular. She insists I call her Phill. chart her autobiography These are the moments at received – question change, It is the reason they are so Small but not delicate, her face through these locations. The AND which James’s writing is so question progression – you are powerful. They offer “a small and hands are warn and Cambridge of her youth in An LOVING. I electrifying. None of her branded a right-wing extrem- affirmation that we live in a worked, her features are Unsuitable Job for a Woman, the crimes or criminals are clearly ist. But it is healthy to ques- rational and moral universe, a mobile and her whole figure inter-war decades of her THINK WE defined in traditional moral tion.” It was questioning, she small celebration of order in an moves with excitement as she teenage years and early terms; she forces us to ques- believes bought about the two increasingly disorderly world.” talks. “I never doubted that it marriage in the Dupayne COME IN AS tion good and evil constantly. most significant pieces of post- I think PD James’s novels are is what I could do and wanted museum of the Murder Room, James adds more seriously: “I war legislation, “the legalisa- more than a “small affirma- to do and psychologically the hospital in Shroud for a SELFISH don’t think we come into the tion of homosexuality and the tion”’: they are contemporary needed to do” she begins, Nightingale (mirroring her own world as unselfish, kind and reform of divorce laws.” parables. The Lighthouse is not enthusing about writing. time working as an LITTLE loving. I think we come in as James isn’t a reactionary, merely the assertion of good Her novels are murder mys- administrator for the NHS), her selfish little animals.” she believes in moderation; triumphing over evil; it is a teries, but she is in no way literary success in the ANIMALS Emboldened by Phill’s con- she might be a Conservative thundering declaration of the constricted by the formula of publishing house of Original Sin stant and endearing smile and peeress and vice-president of sanctity of the individual. her genre. James takes the and her cottage in Southwold her assertion that we are born the Prayer book Society, but Murder might exist, but so classic crime plot and turns it in Death in Holy Orders. ” selfish, I tentatively begin to her tolerance and does hope. 25.11.05 Arts Varsity 17 Venue Guide: the essential events of the next seven days Clown’s Café

Where is it? Tucked away on interesting besides, probably King Street, just down from the sporting either a giant afro or a Bun Shop and the Cambridge harmonica in their back pocket. Arms. The Italian theme might not be immediately evident, and What goes on? Sunday nights the walls are covered in entries alternate between Acoustic Soul for their annual clown-drawing Sunday and the inimitable Songs competition from six-year-olds in the Dark. Both boast the most theatre The Good Paper Flowers with pushy parents. But it all chilled of acoustic ballads and Doctor adds to the slightly incongruous, the most ethereal of poetry to though completely unique, place bring a tear to your eye ( but Chilean playwright Egon

Sweethearts eek Clown’s has in the hearts of all don’t worry – by the flicker of Recently graduated Wolff explores the gulf those in the third year and above. candlelight no one will see) and Cambridge comedy duo between “Los Rotos” as you settle down with a £5 bot- Gilbert and Sullivan combine science with (the broken ones) and Why Clown’s? Apart from doing tle of Clown’s red(ish) wine Society present this bit- humour in their tour the repetitive life of the a good bowl of pasta for under shared between plastic tumblers tersweet and poignant show. affluent middle classes. £4 and the best Tiramisu outside you can almost convince yourself drama. the Big Boot itself, Clown’s that your 9am Monday lecture boasts an ambience to rival doesn’t exist. There’s an optional Pembroke New Cellars, 11pm, Corpus Christi Playroom, ADC, 11pm, until Saturday 26th Friday 25th until Saturday 26th 7pm, Tuesday 29th November until Ronni Scott’s, and you’re guar- entry fee, but its all about the November, £3-5 November, £4 Saturday 3rd December, £6/4 W anteed to meet someone more love, maan. book now: of the

film & music State of Denial Sin City South African film explor- Another chance for Belle and Sebastian O go my man CU Chamber ing the personal and All of you who remember Celebrating 50 years of the comic book geeks and when indie used to mean Royal Court, this piece of new Orchestra political sides of the fans of Robert Rodriguez indie, book now to see the writing by Stella Feehily is set AIDS crisis, including to see this visually stun- Glaswegian indie-pop seven- ning, ultra-violent adap- piece on a rare tour in contemporary Dublin and Nigel W Brown Concerto issues surrounding the mixes raw emotion with surre- Prize Concert WTO-supported patent tation of Frank Miller’s al humour. Directed by Max graphic novels. Stafford-Clark laws. In conjunction with World AIDS Day. West Road Concert Hall, Corn Exchange Cambridge Arts Theatre 7.30pm, Sunday 26th November, Arts Picturehouse, 5.30pm, Christ’s College, 8.00pm & Tuesday 2nd February 2006 10.30pm, Sunday 27th November, £2 14th - 18th February £3 / £1 CUMC members Thursday 1st December Pick Martha & When I was 21 Antony Gormley Mathilda Artist A voyage round the dramatic In what year were you 21 and what were main…and late shows you doing? 1971, just finishing Cambridge and starting to travel seriously.

Allow us to escort you aboard heels of their elders, enter with gorillas, goats from Albee, Where did you live? I lived in Pampisford our figurative aquatic tour bus. floor polish – the cabin boys, the Shepherd’s horses – all sorts of near Cambridge and had a motorbike. I Breathing apparatus is required nautical novices in Our Town livestock. Amongst our pieces would travel about with my paints and paint – this metaphor contains water and Confusions quickly earning of eight lie some real gems; murals for £5 a square foot. in its hold. In true piratical their salt, an exciting lookout for from the beautiful melancho- fashion, Martha is swigging a the coming years. Along with lia of Tennessee Williams’ What was your favourite outfit? White parrot and wearing rum, the Edinburgh flagships and the Suddenly Last Summer and muslin shirt from India, white naval bell-bot- Mathilda is coaxing tapers into usual press-ganging of freshers, raw humanity of Harold tom trousers, and a full length white afghan her beard (each the models’ Pinter’s The Caretaker to the coat I had had made in Herat in 1969. own), and peering into the sumptuous and the erotic of briny deep of the past. Brecht’s Baal and the lyrical What were your illegal activities? The Consigned to Davy Jones’ longing of Kane’s Crave. great thing was that nothing seemed impos- archive are the theatrical Adding to the heap of bal- sible: legality was not an issue. treasures of the term, but if “AMONGST OUR loons, a veritable tea party in they have been buried, it is Edward Albee’s tragic The What were you afraid of? Getting old. only in order to return four, PIECES OF Goat and the jolly rogering of five, nay, even eight weeks on Dead Funny (here, good read- What made you angry? How small and disinter their lovely EIGHT LIE SOME er, you will notice a mix of Cambridge was. bones. Time to shake off the metaphor because Martha Who, Pink Floyd, Richie Havens, Jethro corpses (Playroom), and walk REAL GEMS likes to make metaphors about Who were your heroes? Rene Daumal, W. Tull, Crosby Stills and Nash. around the little ship we call a tea and balloons and Mathilda Burrows, Chomsky, Krishnamurti, Alan stage, the creaking of the prefers puns upon profane acts Watts, Evans-Wentz, Bruce Conner, Andy What did you hope to be? Liberated. boards recalling to mind the of sexuality). The sails of Warhol, Stockhausen, Bergman, Bowie, fifty and one hundred years these old battleships were Mao, Marcuse, R.D. Laing, Bertrand Russell, Where had you travelled to? India, Nepal, which have passed since the filled with a breath of fresh air Blake, Norman O. Brown, Robert Graves, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, ADC marked the spot. The this term was the birthday of as students fat and wide did Ghandi, Dostoevsky, R. Crumb, Anita Cyprus, Egypt, Greece, most of Europe. various craggy auditoriums of ”our most illustrious buccaneer – justice to the classics. And we Pallenberg, Fred Astaire, David Cohn-Bendit, Cambridge add to the tawdry the ADC. Ahoy celebrations for too delighted in our piratical Claude Levi-Strauss, Guy Debord etc. What did you believe in? That youth had finery, all stuffed with bounty one and all – the anniversary of (read Cambridge) traditions as found its voice and was going to change the of the dramatic kind. the corruption of the University the bi-monthly Smokers ebbed Where did you spend your evenings? way things worked from now on. Michaelmas is a swashbuck- to the life of the high seas. and flowed offering a constant Sitting in fields admiring natural structures ling adventure of a term, being Sailing through nights with the stream of weird and wonder- and in other people's rooms and beds What made you cry? My Lai [the mas- as it is the beginning of the honeys of the theatre world, ful sea creatures. The final nod admiring natural structures. sacre of Vietnamese citizens by American piratical (read Cantab) calendar. navigating sketches and mono- to the past goes to The Future soldiers in 1970]. Time has matured us all and logues of the ages, through as Jonny Sweet and Joe What did you eat? Brown rice. suddenly, last summer – full of Frayn’s wilder Chekhov and Thomas took the helm into What do you wish you had known then its Fringe exploits, Macbeth: the some of the luminous old new writing and new harbours What music did you listen to? Dylan, that you know now? That things work out Hour, Under the Blue Blue seadogs, including Captain of comedy. Jefferson Airplane, Janice Joplin, if you keep on going, keep on looking, keep Moon and Threepenny Opera Frayn himself. A week of grog And so to the sea-faring Country Joe & the Fish, King Crimson, on trying things, keep on engaging with peo- to name a few - is a September for all: “I wish I’d been to among you, congratulations. It Grateful Dead, Roy Harper, Henry Cow, ple, ideas, places, ways of living and of in the rain in Cambridge. A Cambridge” – Dame Judi Dench. will be plain sailing from here. Loudon Wainwright Wainwright, Mamas engaging with life. I wasted a lot of energy flurry of Festival goers, a twen- Life is good, dear gentlemen Avast!…Vista looms on the & Papas, Santana, The Incredible String then worrying about whether what I was ty-one gun salute to a talented sailors; our collective coffers horizon. Yo Ho Ho. Merry Band, Iron Butterfly, The Cream, The doing was worth it – it was. home coming. Quick on the are full of Tennessee cats, Christmas. Emily Stokes 18 Varsity Arts 25.11.05 25.11.05 Arts Varsity 19 “It’s behind you!” LOPEZ JON Millicent: I first Charting the saw her in Christmas is on its way, and with it the advent of Pantomime. my col- distinguished lege bar in Freshers’Week. history of Varsity takes a look at a national tradition both loved and despised I knew then Footlights t's that time of year again. Theatres Pantomime is, indeed, a British custom, embarrassing infliction of audience SHOW that she had to nationwide prepare themselves for the and has had little success elsewhere, except, participation rank highly amongst the be mine pantomime onslaught of the celebrity and its fan base. bizarrely, in Israel and Switzerland. In both sceptic's grumbles. But this, surely, is central I Come December, children will be lining locations the annual pantomime is consis- to its appeal. It is innocent festive fun for all up impatiently outside theatres, itching to tently performed to a full house. ages: the older generation indulge in the Me: but I was watch their favourite TV stars take to the nostalgia of it, whilst appreciating modern too shy even to stage: cross-dressing heroes, beautiful references within the comedy. And, contrary talk to her. How heroines, evil villains, transvestite dames, to widespread opinion, it demands an was I supposed dancing cows and singing geese. That's right, extensive amount of skill, for the timing and to communi- ladies and gentlemen, it's Pantomime. CROSS-DRESSING HEROES, physicality required of the actors is crucial to cate my love? One of Britain's most renowned theatrical the success of the humour. SOME “ My only hope traditions, the pantomime started out a fair BEAUTIFUL HEROINES, EVIL And this is why it is not only the Big distance from where it has ended up today. The Brother stars who partake in the merriment. was... original "pantomimus" was a performer in the VILLAINS, DANCING COWS This year will see the return of Cambridge Roman Empire, who would enact mythology alumni Ian McKellen to the Old Vic stage in ROBINSON CRUSOE (1975): through mime, with musical accompaniment. his second season as Widow Twankey in Griff Rhys-Jones, then AND SINGING GEESE Varsity: The British pantomime, as we know it, developed Aladdin, while Richard Wilson, Susan after two President of the ADC, co- from a combination of the Italian Commedia Hampshire and Simon Callow all have roles wrote this show and starred dell'Arte and British music hall. Influenced by elsewhere. A little closer to home, this fort- long as “Gertie” Crusoe, medieval morality plays, it still echoes some of night, the Cambridge Footlights offer a satir- years of Robinson’s mother. John their traditions, carrying with it the moral ical approach to pantomime in Spartacus at EMOTION eleven-hour Stroud, director of cult undertone of good invariably triumphing over It is a genre that invites both criticism and the ADC, while the Cambridge Arts Theatre proof-read- evil. Originating from the stage allocations of ”cynicism for its clichéd storylines and prepares to launch a more classic approach in ing shifts, the series Kiss me Kate, played Robinson himself. heaven and hell in the Middle Ages, heroes and seemingly crude character: relentless happy Dick Whittington and his Cat. Varsity aristoc- fairies traditionally enter from stage right, while endings, commonplace farce, cross-dressing, The Poet Laureate is the public face of poetry, but he also has a very quiet side. racy had finally let me the villains come from stage left. blatant gestures to the audience and the Laura Draper have a real job: writing EMILY STOKES visits ANDREW MOTION in his poet’s pad this column

Roman chavs and a horse called Stephen The plan: ndrew Motion’s second- This new book is about “places, ebrating Prince William’s twen- of Sylvia Plath – ‘like a well I knew Millicent Robyn Hill indulges in the Christmas spirit of Spartacus: The Pantomime at the ADC ary school teacher, he the countryside, animals, killing ty-first birthday. The ‘A-side’ done sum’. read Varsity. And Atells me, showed him that animals, feeling frightened”. He poem (it is structured like an Nevertheless, I feel a little through this column, I nce again, the end of Michaelmas is in sight, keep up the fast pace and provide much of the and will undoubtedly speed up as the run goes on. “writing and caring about writ- tells me about his first school LP) is “a kind of rap” and begins uneasy about all of this. He is ing poems wasn’t something which was “very frightening “Better stand back / Here’s an liberal-minded, well-meaning, could show her that I Osignalling the arrival of the annual comedy throughout. Particular credit should be The script overall was extremely funny and kept liked just the same Footlights/ADC pantomime. This year Spartacus: given to Thomas Eccleshare, Sam Kitchener and the audience laughing (sometimes groaning) you had to wear a cravat and and I think bad” where there age attack, / But the second in well-informed, inoffensive. Even ALADDIN: A RUSSIAN The Pantomime takes to the stage, under the direc- Dan Mansell, who are true chameleons through- throughout. However, it could have done with a live in an attic to do, but could was “a lot of beating and horri- line / Is dealing with it fine”. It the fact that he offended things that she did - I PANTOMIME (1978): tion of Zack Simons. True to form, this again is a out and don a multitude of wacky costumes, wigs, little editing as the production seemed rather long be something you could do in bleness – my brain just froze, as goes on: “It’s a day to celebrate, Downing Street over his poems could show her that we Emma Thompson made her thoroughly enjoyable evening. dresses, extremely short Roman centurion outfits and in places, the pace lagged. The main criticism real life”. it does when you’re fright- /A destiny, a fate”. A quick about Iraq makes him more were meant to be Footlights debut as Aladdin, Loosely based on the story of Spartacus (played and even dress up as first century BC chavs – I would make of the script is that the constant use Andrew Motion is not ened”. He later tells me that he glance confirms that there are normal and likeable – and his together alongside Hugh Laurie as by Helen Cripps), who was captured and enslaved who’d have thought adidas was around then? of puns (often verging on the unacceptable even wearing a cravat and he lives in has always been terrified that no rap CDs in his collection. poem ‘Causa Belli’ wasn’t near- the Emperor of China. by the Romans and then sold to become a gladia- Similarly, many of the leads excel themselves. The for pantomime standards and sometimes stepping a basement flat in Camden he will stop being able to write It’s part of Motion’s mission ly as radical as it might have tor, the panto follows his road to freedom and all comedy double act between the pantomime outrageously over the mark) threatened to dilute town, and seems to have man- poetry. He talks so softly that, to bring the role of Poet been. I wonder if I am being aged to combine ‘real life’ and listening back to the tape of our Laureate into the twenty-first very snobbish in my secret anx- the beginning: the incidents that happen along the way - dame, this time, Cleopatra (Simon Evans) and the the true comic value of many of the other pas- at first it was Egyptian night clubbing and the eruption of ver- barking mad Nero (Simon Bird) complete with sages. ‘poetry’ rather well in his set- conversation, I find that we are century, and he is clearly prac- iety that Poetry, with its public suvius to name a few. The panto bad guy is sup- tinsel wreath, compliment each other beautifully That said, the wonderful comic timing of the ting. It is ‘bachelor pad’ meets both nearly whispering, as if tised at explaining why this isn’t smiley faces of Simon Armitage, easy. I was lucky plied by Alastair Roberts as Nero’s crooked advi- and overshadow Spartacus and Varinia (Tammy cast doubled with an ambitious set, great cos- ‘humble garret’, with grey wool anxious not to disturb the tran- an anachronism. He is the first Carol Anne Duffy and the “P.L.” enough to run into sor. Nero’s other trusted companion is the tradi- Harvey). tumes and over the top dancing ensure that this is throws, dark wood surfaces and quil equilibrium of his creative poet, he says, to conceive the (as he calls it once or twice) Millicent quite often. tional pantomime horse – this time he’s called There were a few minor problems – notably the a great production. I thoroughly recommend it. a designer whistling kettle. The space, to allow the “horrible- Laureate as a job: he is happily might be becoming a little too On her way to lec- Stephen. set falling over during the somewhat lengthy Poet Laureate is pristine and ness” of the outside world to a public figure, half “laureating” inoffensive and easy to swallow. tures. Buying milk in The production is teeming with outstanding scene changes. This can in part be explained by ADC, 7.45pm, until Saturday 3rd December (except beautiful, and his clothes are enter. It seems that his poems, in schools – with writers, with I can’t imagine falling in love Sainsbury’s. Outside performances, particularly from the chorus who the fast costume changes required of the actors 27th), £5-9 flawlessly tasteful and well-cho- like himself, are fragile crea- government – and half writing. with poetry over the Internet sen; he balances the seriousness tures: “I thought that writing His new project, The Poetry and I am a little attached to the her room, late at of an ageing academic (grey my autobiography might have Archive, will use ‘state-of-the- Romantic poet figure who has night... I got an idea cardigan) with the understated, killed them”. art technology’ to make poems no social agenda, or at least not of her tastes. She THE SNOW QUEEN (1980): trendy eccentricity of a young There is, though, another, available to listen to on the such a very nice one. liked sweets and Written by a team of six, “While Dick’s away the dame will play it straight” poet (bright yellow V-neck, more flamboyant, side to internet, thereby restoring their He swears, however, that he music and so on. So I including Stephen Fry, Hugh straight leg jeans, stripy T-shirt). Andrew Motion. He is one of status as oral works rather than has never held back in his poet- filled Prescribed Laurie and Emma Thompson. Jenny Lee talks to Michael Fenton Stevens and Julie Buckfield, the stars His front door is tiny and green, those fathers who knows how written ones. “This is a boastful ry because of his public status: accordingly Hugh Laurie, then President down some stairs, connected to to keep up with the times and, thing to say,” says Andrew “Not a poem, not a line, not half of the Footlights, directed the of this year’s Art’s Theatre pantomime, Dick Whittington a leafy garden and, when he cleverly, does it without look- Motion oh so gently with excit- a line.” And then he goes on: show and played the antomime is a theatrical conundrum; it ly navigated her way round Cambridge they want to interrupt, you have to sit up and opens it and leads me into his ing too try-hard. The new Bob ed big eyes, “but I think that “but it’s interesting you should The end: Magician. is built backwards. Originally a silent clubbing scene along with the take notice.” Last year, during a performance flat, I am transported from the Dylan book, a birthday pres- this has the potential to funda- ask me that, because it suggests but the editor of performance of gesture and expres- younger members of the company. of Jack and the Beanstalk, a child in the audi- bustle of Camden Road into a ent, is propped up on his mentally change the way poetry that there are some people who P dim, quiet setting that is as bookshelf. His CD collection, is taught in schools”. think that I am frantically biting Varsity got no sion, it is now an incredibly vocal genre, Yet while Dick’s away, the Dame ence insisted on relaying the entire story meticulously tidy and ordered which he rifles through to my lip and holding back in my lovestruck inviting both audience and actors to will play it straight, and last year before the show had taken off. Ever the con- emails shout, shriek and sing out loud. Men Fenton-Stevens was so busy that summate professional, Fenton-Stevens digest- as a sonnet. show me, is admirable: e talks about his poetic poetry, which I’m not”. It seems dress up as women and women dress he failed to buy all his Christmas ed the interruption and built it into the fabric It is perfect apart from the Wagner, Bach, Armadou and mission like a politician strange to me that he should enquiring down to play boys, whilst stock-characters presents because he didn’t know the of the script, turning back to the boy repeat- fact that an intruder, a member Miriam (produced by Manu Hor an ambassador – feel so calm about having to after the and prescribed storylines are countered Grafton centre existed until the fes- edly to exclaim: “you were right!” of the band New Order, entered Chao), Joseph Arthur. He tells although he does cringe when explain that his poems are identity of with endless improvisation. There is a tive season was over. Nevertheless, In this respect, Pantomime is the vanguard his flat last week and broke his “POEMS me with pride that he “got he uses the word “initiative”. heartfelt. It bothers me, largely the writer of continual hunger “to keep the formulaic on stage it is Buckfield’s turn to of the white lie that drama is built on. perfect little armchair by shift- onto Antony and the Johnsons He wants to de-mystify poetry, because it does not bother him. this column. And I’d elements fresh,” argues Michael behave, carrying the plot whilst Anyone who goes to the theatre for the first ing about on it too much (there BEGIN WITH very early – long before they un-ghettoise it, to overcome But I am impressed and per- is now a hardback carefully won the Mercury Prize” and children’s (mostly boys’) objec- suaded and charmed, and this is run out of things to Fenton-Stevens who, along with the Dame runs around throwing time in Britain as a child will probably see a include that I knew Julie Buckfield of Hollyoaks fame, custard pies and stealing the pantomime. It is a tradition that perhaps positioned under a chair-leg). A SORT OF that his seventeen year old tions that it is “girly” or “irrele- why, of anyone who could take RUMPELSTILTSKIN (1982): “What did this band member daughter copies his music. vant”. It is hard to fault his pro- on the role of Poet Laureate Millicent liked. I got has returned to the Cambridge show. “If anybody’s going to inspired Buckfield’s own career: as an eleven desperate, started to Morwenna Banks, of The Arts Theatre to star in their look stupid it’s going to be year old girl in the chorus line of Dick Whit- want you to write?” I ask him as WOOZY, But he’s no second genera- fessed intentions or philosophy. today, he is the perfect choice: a Morwenna Banks Show and Christmas Pantomime, Dick Whit- us,” admits Fenton-Stevens. tington she decided, “one day I’ll be up at the he moves some books about tion Beat Poet. Most of his He is, of course, a royalist, but – beautiful public face of Poetry. pick at random. Marfa, Absolutely, played The Witch. tington. Yet it’s not just the actors front. I’ll be taking that curtain call.” Both and gives me a perfect cup of SWOONY, recent work has been written in he repeats as if to reassure me – However much I find his poems Texas? Prince Milan They are finding this year a lot who need to let go: “If you’re an actors also stress that Pantomime should be tea. “Some words,” says Motion a formal style, and the tone of “a royalist at the reforming end a little too agreeable, he himself Ibrenovic II of Serbia? easier than the last. “You have to adult and you’re coming to a respected because of the financial support it softly and a little ominously, as MUSICAL his poems is typically elegiac or of the spectrum”. He gets is unequivocally passionate And I got the sense get through a certain amount pantomime you have a can muster for venues such as the Cambridge if to explain. lyrical. For Motion, “It’s about around being hypocritical in about them, and this passion is that, in real life, before you can really let go,” responsibility to become a Arts Theatre which relies on its annual tak- In time I figure out that he THING – AS Keats, it’s always about Keats”, writing about the royals, who infectious. When I ask him has a habit of saying “words” and he slips lines of Eliot, he doesn’t know, by writing about his work habits, he turns Millicent was starting explains Fenton Stevens, who child for the day. You ings from the panto to fund other shows to avoid me. At least has taken on the role of the shouldn’t be embar- throughout the year. instead of ‘poetry’ or ‘verses’ – IF THE Larkin, Frost and Auden into poems that are broad in their the question into something this together with a tendency to our conversation like anecdotes outlook, as sympathetic and much more mystical: “Poems that meant she knew dame, “We’ve already looked rassed. My advice is, if Those who prefer to see Ibsen and Dorfman who I was so foolish in front of each you are, sit towards performed at the Arts Theatre may deride punctuate his sentences not WORLD HAS about old friends. He is a schol- non-judgemental as he is him- begin with a sort of woozy, other that we’re not afraid of the back.” The only Pantomime in the same way that Pantomime only with pregnant pauses, but ar, not a celeb, but believes that self. “Rightly or wrongly,” he swoony, musical thing – as if the anything.” Whilst they are people who are can mimic and mock the gravitas of other also vocally with the words SUDDENLY poetry must be made more says, “I must feel that I can call world has suddenly been eroti- quick to stress the amount allowed to take the theatrical forms, yet each is inextricably “parenthetically” or even, after available and attractive to whatever I write an authentic cised”. This mysticism is attrac- a deep breath, “full-stop-new- BEEN young people. This is a difficult poem”. I don’t like all his tive; in the shelter of his world I My last chance: of hard work required of the whole thing seriously are dependant upon the other. so now I’m just job it is clear that they the children in the audi- paragraph”. When talking task. As good as his intentions poems, but I think that there am persuaded. Which is why I ROBYN HOOD (1985): signed up because of the fun ence: “You have to include The Cambridge Arts Theatre, Friday 9th Decmber about his own experiences, he EROTICISED may have been, I can’t help was something impressive hate to leave his flat with its going to have to David Baddiel, of Baddiel and involved, both in and out of the children,” Fenton- until Sunday 15th January 2006, performance looks searchingly about him feeling that he suffered the fate about his poem celebrating woozy, swoony music (he has come out and say it. Skinner Unplanned, co-wrote the theatre - Buckfield, who’s play- Stevens continues, “If you’re in times vary, £10/£15/£20 like a worried infant. He has of all those grown-ups who Camilla and Charles’s wedding. just put on one of his new Latin Millicent, will you be this ‘panto’ and starred as the ing Dick Whittington, has swift- the middle of a scene and just finished an autobiography attempt to ‘get down with the It fulfils its purpose with consci- American CDs) and enter the mine? leading man. covering his difficult childhood. ” kidz’ in his Laureate poems cel- entious efficiency – in the words cynicism of “real life”. Varsity 25.11.05 Special Souvenir OXFORD VS CAMBRIDGE 06/12/05 2PM Pullout

Cambridge bid to regain MMC Trophy 2000

past are the occasions when one may wit- were unable to respond. The loss of Nic SIMS ANDY Joe Speight ness Rob Andrew of Cambridge lining up Alberts to injury in the first half was a against Stuart Barnes of Oxford. The pivotal moment in the match, and In little over a week’s time thousands of Varsity Match remains a throwback to Cambridge will be hoping to avoid simi- students from across Oxford and rugby’s amateur age, and in the days of lar misfortune this time around. Cambridge will join hoards of alumni to professionalism and mass media coverage “The Other Place” are looking strong converge on Twickenham to witness the its relevance in the rugby calendar has once again, and after a season of indiffer- Oxford 19-16 Cambridge 124th chapter of one of sport’s oldest fix- been challenged. However the despairing ence at Grange Road, it needs the experi- tures. Rather than head for home at the look on the faces of the Cambridge team enced campaigners such as Jonny Ufton end of an exhausting term and an intense when Ross Lavery’s injury-time try sealed and Rudolph Bosche to combine with the Dark Blues claim only their week of over-indulgence in Christmas fes- victory for Oxford last year revealed why flair of the likes of Nic Alberts and Dave 2nd win in 7 matches tivities, up to 40,000 shivering students the Varsity match is so special. It is the cul- Akinluyi to provide a winning formula to will brave the Siberian conditions of mination of an intense period of bonding halt the dark blues from Oxford. The South-West London and turn as blue as and preparation, and the fact that it is power of the forwards is a promising sign 2001 the team they are supporting. However amateur rugby maintains the empathy in though, according to former Lions coach outdated or unfashionable the Varsity our heart. These players cannot pick up a Ian McGeechan who, having seen both Match may appear in a national context, sizeable cheque as a consolation. They are sides in action, rates the light blue pack as The Blues do battle at the line-out for the loyal supporters and the 30 players playing for pride and victory alone. superior. History is also on the Cambridge who grace the turf at the home of English Oxford’s victory in 2004, their first in side, with 57 Varsity victories as opposed the past seven years, so such a moment of rugby, it remains a prestigious and tradi- three years, was ultimately deserved. The to Oxford’s 51 since the rivalry began in drama cannot be ruled out to decide a tional occasion which provides a climactic favourites on paper survived a few scares 1872. Varsity match. Let us hope that there will focal point to the term. And for the light but made their overall dominance pay. History also tells us that it was two be at least one Australian celebrating on blues of Cambridge, revenge is in the air. Cambridge led through Fergie years ago this week when Jonny this occasion though, with Cambridge Long gone are the days when crowds of Gladstone’s early try, but a converted Wilkinson kicked his way into rugby folk- captain and Aussie export Ed Carter Oxford 9-6 Cambridge almost 70,000 would watch the annual score from Oxford fullback Anthony lore with the winning drop-goal in the wrapping his hands around an MMC battle between two of the world’s finest Knox before half time shifted the balance World Cup Final in Sydney. No more than Trophy adorned in the light blue ribbons academic institutions, and firmly in the of power in the match and Cambridge one score has separated the two sides for once again. Third straight Oxford win in first try-less match for 20 years Bodgers steal a narrow victory 2002

Jamie Brockbank Thrilling Blues comeback from 31-0 down but fall just short made a 40 yard break before offloading stamina flagged, and Ufton’s quick tap- What may be of some concern to the for Irish winger John Bell to touchdown penalty sent Carter, who ran impressive Blues though was the withdrawal due to CAMBRIDGE 40 unopposed. To compound their faltering lines at inside-centre all afternoon, pow- to injury of both Desmond and scrum- STEELE-BODGERS 41 start, the shell-shocked Blues promptly ering through before offloading for half Rhys Evans. Desmond, who scored a Oxford 13-15 Cambridge conceded their 3rd try, a quite magnifi- openside Dave O’Brien to score. try in the 2003 Varsity match in particu- The Blues’ traditional pre-Varsity final cent length of the field effort combining Blindside flanker Bartholomew soon lar would be a huge loss after showing MMC Trophy returns to Grange home fixture organised by 1946 Blues eight visiting players and superb offload- snaffled himself an intercept try too, but his superb running skills before injury Road for first time since 1998 skipper and Barbarians supremo, Mickey ing in the tackle, to find themselves 19-0 Dormer’s close-range effort kept the forced his withdrawal. These two worries Steele-Bodger, has been lamented by in arrears after just the 7th minute. Steele-Bodger’s 36-21 ahead. already add to the groin strain of Nic pundits in recent years as a waning fix- In the spirit of the fixture, Steele- A frenetic final quarter saw the Steele- Alberts, who left the pitch injured in the ture, but Wednesday afternoon’s full Bodgers delighted the crowd with flam- Bodgers 7th and final try sandwiched by first half of last year’s Varsity match, and 2003 house were treated to a scintillating dis- boyant reverse passing and slick scissor a brace from the Blues centres, the first had to pull out of this match but still play of exhibition rugby in which the vis- manoeuvres as the Blues worryingly as replacement Steffan Thomas smashed looks set to be involved in some form in itors withstood a late Blues’ resurgence struggled to find any rhythm. Soon after through the Bodger’s defence followed the clash with Oxford. to prevail by the narrowest of margins. Ernshaw notched the visitors’ 4th try, by Carter’s well-deserved corner-flag Commenting on the Blues’ chances at Welcomed back amongst the invita- Desmond took a pummelling after lunge over the line. Another exhilarat- Twickenham a week on Tuesday, receiving a hospital pass from Ufton and ing masterclass in offloading in the tack- Howard, the former Wallabies’ and the Steele-Bodgers pounced to extend le and support running, this time by Tigers’ star, repeated the mantra that, their lead to 31-0 in the 28th minute. half-a-dozen Blues, sent Harfoot over for “form never matters - it’s all about rising Much-needed Blues pride and points the students’ 6th try, and more depend- to the occasion on the big day.” Oxford 11-11 Cambridge were only restored just before the inter- able conversions from Ufton clawed Following Saturday’s final fixture away val as Desmond sidestepped his touch- Cambridge tantalisingly within a point of to Loughborough, final selection for Desmond’s late try means A FULL HOUSE AT line markers with predictably lethal the visitors in a remarkable comeback. Twickenham will be decided, with “GRANGE ROAD WAS acceleration, but the 31-7 deficit seemed But, with the Steele-Bodgers’ hanging Carter due to individually break the Cambridge retain the trophy quite unassailable. on 41-40 deep into injury time, Howard news to his players during the tradition- TREATED TO A Cambridge looked far more commit- nonchalantly booted the ball out to end al captain’s cycle around the colleges at SCINTILLATING ted after the break whilst the visitors a highly entertaining encounter. dawn this Sunday. 2004 DISPLAY OF SIMS ANDY EXHIBITION RUGBY L-

SE

tional XV were former Blues scrum-half Oxford 18-11 Cambridge Ben Dormer (‘02-‘04), hooker Fergie Gladstone (’02 & ’04) and impressive Dominant Oxford seal victory flanker Russell Ernshaw (’95), as well as with clinching try from Lavery ”victorious 2004 Oxford captain David Lubans, whilst Pat Howard skippered the visitors again from fly-half. Howard excelled and spectators would have been listen to the forgiven for mistaking him for the great match... Carlos Spencer; his incisive running and deft kicking as playmaker helped pin the Blues on the back foot during a one- Live commentary sided first half. on the 2005 Within the opening minute, the Varsity Rugby Steele-Bodgers were 7-0 ahead after a Dormer try, and they stuck again Match from moments later after a Blues’ offensive 1.30pm - 4pm was turned over - an all too familiar first- half failing. Taking full advantage of ten- CUR 1350 tative first-time Blues tackling, Ernshaw Richard Bartholomew tries to break through a solid Steele Bodgers back line as Akinluyi watches on 2 Varsity Varsity Rugby 25.11.05 25.11.05 Varsity Rugby Varsity 3 BLUES PREPARE TO DO BATTLE Captain’s View Varsity Sport’s pullout guide to the 124th Varsity Rugby Match between Oxford and Cambridge at Twickenham Captain’s View

ED CARTER ANDY DALGLEISH Cambridge Oxford CURUFC is certainly a very spe- TOM As the days draw rapidly colder cial place which embraces KIRKMAN it is a reminder to us all that many long-standing traditions RICH Prop Varsity is drawing closer. For and unique individuals. Having Age - 23 some it has been a long time been elected Captain of the club MOLLER Height - 6’1” coming whilst for others for the 2005/2006 season in late JOSEPH Hooker Weight - 20’ Twickenham is a dream that January, one of the main pieces Age - 21 College - St. Edmund’s will have only emerged in of advice I was given was just CLARK Height - 5’9” recent weeks. With 18 days to Hooker how quickly the year will go. Weight - 15’ go excitement is building and Age - 22 “The Tank” has represented Now with only a few weeks College - Robinson experience tells those who Height - 6’1” Durham University and the until the 124th Varsity Match have been there before that the Weight - 16’5” Newcastle Falcons on December 6, it has certainly Having played for the U20s, academy. final whistle will be upon us been a role that has provided College - St. Edmund’s U21As and U21s this NatSci before we know it. many challenges, but more is looking become a Any Varsity campaign is a importantly a number of special Former Oxford U21 is set to Blue. challenging one: the pressure memories. win his first Cambridge Blue of academic work, the The team arrived back to this year. ADAM demands of rugby training and Cambridge in late September GILBERT of course social commitments after the completion of their all contribute to making the 3 RUDOLPH Second Row short pre season tour to Japan. Age - 22 month build up as special as it On the field, the results, whilst BOSCHE Height - 6’4” is. Fixtures against Premiership disappointing, held many posi- ‘A’ sides mean the players of CHARLIE Prop Weight - 17’ tives and the most pleasing ED both camps no longer face a DESMOND Age - 30 College - Fitz aspect of the tour was certainly KALMAN mix of youngsters and ‘has Wing Height - 5’10” the progression made by a Prop Weight - 17’11” beens’ pulled together for the DAVE Age - 22 Blues social secretary study- number of younger players Age - 22 College - Hughes Hall purpose of a one off mid week AKINLUYI Height - 5’11” within the squad. This has been Height - 6’1” ing land economy and won fixture, and as such the stan- Weight - 11’6” a growing trend throughout Wing Weight - 18’ his first Blue last year. dard of these sides has IAN College - Girton Returning to the side this CURUFC, which has seen a Age - 21 College - Fitz increased immensely. Whilst MCINROY year the front row is set to number of undergraduates Height - 6’1” the fixtures are tougher than Full back win his fourth Blue. pushing hard for selection in Weight - 15’12” ever before, the lessons learnt Age - 35 Scored match-saving try as a A graduate of Durham the ‘Blues’ side this year. College - Christ’s through playing against British Height - 6’ fresher in 2003 and warmed University is studying for an The ‘Varsity Term’ is always a Lions and other Internationals Weight - 14’13” the bench in 2004. MPhil in technology very difficult period for the Victorious U21 last year and NICOLAS is valuable experience as one College - Hughes Hall and policy. players as they attempt to bal- destined to win his first full ALBERTS looks towards that day in ance their studies with a very Blue in 2005. JOHN Flanker December. busy training schedule. There Returning 2003 Blue has Age - 27 This week Cambridge trav- was a conscious effort this year played for both Scotland 7s BLAIKIE Height - 6’2” elled to Oxford for the purpose to try and reduce the number of and U21s sides. PAUL Second Row Weight - 17’7” of the annual challenge. As last ANDY Age - 34 MAGEE College - Hughes Hall year’s losers, it was the task of CLEMENTS Height - 6’2” STEFFAN Centre Second Row Weight - 14’10” “WE HAVE BEEN Age - 27 Age - Has played Super 12 rugby THOMAS 22 College - Hughes Hall Height - 6’1” Height - 6’6” and represented Western “I AM SURE IT STRENGTHENE Centre Province. Blue in crick- JOE Weight - 16’ Weight - 17’7” Age - 21 Graduate from Otago et and golf. WILL BE D BY THE College - Hughes Hall College - St. Edmund’s ANSBRO Height - 6’ University, and has played for Centre ANOTHER RETURN OF Weight - 16’10” New Zealand “A”. Age - 20 Versatile former Irish schools College - Trinity Oxford graduate and Blues CLOSE SOME VERY Height - 6’ and Scottish students outside secretary this season. Hoping centre. Weight - 13’6” to win his first Blue. MIKE ENCOUNTER” EXPERIENCED College -Robinson Powerful centre who played a big role in the U21s Varsity HARFOOT PLAYERS” win last year. No. 8 RICH Ed Carter to challenge me for Rapid second year NatSci Age - 27 the MMC trophy. Luckily for likely to start from the bench BARTH- Height - 6’5” fixtures for the club, however the survival of the Varsity game as cover at wing and GRANT OLOMEW Weight - 16’ this is not always possible and DAVE I was more than happy to centre. CELLIERS Flanker College - St. Catz once again huge responsibility accept the challenge on behalf Fly half O’BRIEN Age - 20 was placed on the shoulders of Flanker of Oxford University Rugby JONNY Age - 26 Height - 6’ a number of U21’s such as LX’s Age - 23 Studying for PhD in Football Club. Professionalism UFTON Height - 6’2” Weight - 16’ secretary James Taylor, Pete Height - 6’ Chemistry and played for could have taken its toll on Fly half Weight - 15’6” College - Jesus Doncaster and Exeter. Archer and Ash Reddy. The atti- ED Weight - 15’6” Varsity rugby, but due to the Age - 31 College - Jesus 2nd year Engineering under- tude of these players has been College - Jesus hard work of the institutions CARTER Height - 6’1” graduate aiming to win his outstanding and they add great and much appreciated sponsor- Centre Weight - 13’8” first Blue. experience to a very strong Former Skellenbosch fly half ship of MMC the game is still Age - 27 College - St. Edmund’s Openside flanker who has U21’s side this year. provides cover for Ufton at played in front of 45,000 peo- Height - 6’2” played for the Ireland U21 The side is announced on the 10. ple at Twickenham. Weight - 15’8” side and Leinster Saturday night following the Chuffers has made over 100 Despite losses against NYSIMS ANDY Schools. ‘Blues’ match against College - St. Edmund’s appearances for Wasps and Leicester and Harlequins the Loughborough University and wins his third Blue. Oxford side is full of confi- the next morning as team CAPTAIN Former Australia 7s dence. Training has seen an Captain I cycle to each college captain appearing in the increased intensity and individ- to inform players of their fate. Varsity Match for the RHYS ual focus and levels of precision third time. This process usually starts at EVANS and execution are expected to 7am and takes the majority of THE SEASON SO FAR... increase. We now have Paul CARL Scrum half the day. The squad appears to Age - 21 06/09/05 Henley Hawks Away 19-30 Laffin available after a period be coming together well this BRADSHAW Height - 5’8” on the sidelines. To have a play- year and look physically the er of his quality back is a huge CHRIS Scrum half Weight - 12’9” 10/09/05 Kanto Gakuin Uni Away 17-21 11/09/05 Villagers RFC Away 62-5 best prepared they have in a Age - 23 College - Hughes Hall boost and will further strength- 14/06/05 Stellenbosch Uni Away 19-21 number of seasons, which is a WORSLEY Height - 5’7” 14/09/05 Hosei Uni Away 11-45 en an already dominant front testament to the work of our Scrum half row. In the back row, under- Weight - 12’4” Loughborough graduate 20/09/05 Uni of Cape Town Away 17-26

Age - 25 18/09/05 Waseda Uni Away 8-33 on 4 Lost 8 fitness trainer Ed Hallam. We College - Hughes Hall graduate Doug Abbott is in fine Height - 6’1” reading management and have certainly been strength- 01/10/05 Kanto Gakuin Uni Home 25-7 form and making life difficult Weight - 13’8” could win his first Blue. 04/10/05 Cambridge City Home 41-0 on 4 Lost 7 ened by the return of experi- Former rugby league Blue for his opposition. Behind this enced players such as front College - Hughes Hall and pushing for a starting role 10/10/05 Leinster Home 24-50 07/10/05 Uni of Limerick Home 5-26 the Oxford backline has many rower Rudolph Bosche (’00, in his first Varsity options and variations and it ’02-’03) and outside back Ian Represented England Students, match. 18/10/05 Bedford Home 18-8 10/10/05 Leicester Tigers Away 5-40 will not be until selection McInroy (’03) and these play- but is yet to represent the Blues Sunday that the final decision ers, along with Nic Alberts (’04), at Twickenham. 24/10/05 Harlequins Away 6-31 17/10/05 Pertemps Bees Home 33-21 and make up will be revealed. no. 10 Jon Ufton (’03-’04) and It is an exciting time and I 24/11/05 London Wasps Home 15-41 winger Charlie Desmond (’03- 01/11/05 London Welsh Home 29-10 am sure both camps are relish- ’04) are expected to feature ing the challenge. As history 07/11/05 London Wasps Home 19-17 31/11/05 NEC Harlequins Home 20-43 strongly on the day. As for my suggests, I am sure it will be a Overall: Played 12 W

prediction as to who will win 11/11/05 Leicester Home 15-37 Overall: Played 11 W 06/11/05 Tonga Home 14-34 close encounter with both the 124th Varsity Match – I will teams keen to make their own have a much better indication 23/11/05 Steele-Bodger XV Home 40-41 16/11/05 Major Stanley’s XV Home 24-22 bit of Varsity history. Oxford Results at 3.30pm on December 6. Cambridge Results 4 Varsity Varsity Match 25.11.05 From Grange Road to Twickenham The Varsity Sport meets the former Blue and England winger Tony Underwood

To understand the strength of but it was at Grange Road where he SPOR SFX Prelude Cambridge rugby during its 1980s to excelled; so much so, the club members early 1990s heyday one should look at recently nominated him for their best- the calibre of former Blues who starred ever Cambridge XV. TS in Calcutta Cup fixtures during much of Despite going on to represent the the 1990s Five Nations. Gavin Hastings, Lions and win numerous trophies with Rob Wainwright and Rob Andrew were Leicester and England, Underwood still all legends of their era, but for many speaks with immense pride about a neutrals, it was the breathtaking pace of Blues team which he describes as “prob- the Underwood brothers’ partnership on ably the closest and most enjoyable I’ve the wing for England that lit up many of been involved in.” The camaraderie of these fixtures. living and socialising together, and the Both brothers learnt the game at the “thrilling standard” of enterprising rugby stronghold of Barnard Castle entertaining rugby they played against School in County Durham before going top-class amateur club sides made it such on to represent Leicester Tigers. But a special spell in his career. whereas Rory progressed straight into In his 1990 Varsity debut, Cambridge, the international game, Tony’s route to the pre-match favourites, lost 21-12 to U21S VARSITY RUGBY stardom was slightly different. Born in an Oxford side including Underwood’s Malaysia in 1968 and the younger sib- ling by six years, Tony was called-up to ANDREW STEVENSON the England setup in 1989 whilst an “The only reason I undergraduate at Leicester, though his It is the most important game many of international ambitions were initially was at Cambridge us will ever play in our lives; one curtailed after breaking his jaw and tear- match, 80 minutes, which determines ing cruciate knee ligaments. was to play rugby” everything. It is not just about the After graduating from Leicester in team on the pitch – with tens of thou- 1990, Underwood came to Cambridge future England team-mates Phil de sands of spectators at Twickenham and St. Edmunds via what he describes Glanville and Victor Ubogu, but in 1991 every year, many of them former as the “infamous Land Economy route”. Underwood’s try helped ensure Blues themselves, you realise that you Underwood candidly explained how, Cambridge prevailed 17-11 in another are representing something far greater “there was no beating around the bush, typically nail biting encounter at than just yourself. Wearing the light no one trying to kid anyone: the only Twickenham. blue shirt with the red lion, you think reason I was at Cambridge was to play After graduating in 1992, Underwood about every Blue who has worn it rugby,” but he wasn’t going to “smack a won his England debut in October 1992 before you, whose names are all dis- gift horse in the mouth and say no against Canada. The next month, Rory played in the clubhouse at Grange thanks”. returned to the starting line-up against Road. You are representing one of the In his first term, Underwood earned the Spingboks and the Underwoods Underwood is one of the few Blues in recent years to represent England oldest and most prestigious rugby himself an athletics blue in the 100m became the first brothers to play for clubs in the country in an all-or-noth- and found time for a solitary “ringer” England together for 55 years, going on final in Cape Town when Jonah Lomu’s studying for the safety-net of a degree. ing match against their bitterest rivals, appearance for Caius in cuppers rugby, to amass 102 caps and 62 tries for 4-try blitz saw the All Blacks annihilate Tellingly in the post-1995 professional at the home of England rugby. It does England. 45-29 a “very naïve and loose” England. era, “a Tuesday night fixture against the not get better than this. Intriguingly, Tony argues this sibling Beforehand, coach Jack Rowell asked Blues isn’t going to be paramount in Cambridge University U21s are feat, “meant more to other people than Tony whether he was comfortable mark- most Premiership team’s preparations,” determined to uphold the tradition of fact file it meant for us,” and is adamant that his ing opposing winger Lomu. Underwood and the pressures of the modern game exciting and passionate rugby. Last brother was “just another guy in a Tigers recounts, “well what do you say? I was have meant that inevitably, Blues rugby year the crowd was treated to an Name: Tony Underwood or England shirt”. But to the adoring very confident – I’d scored a try in the has struggled to attract the same talent amazing display of courage by our Born: 1969 British public, Rory was arguably the quarter-final and when you’ve been that once flocked to play for or against players when, with the game all but Age: 36 icon of the amateur game, as he juggled asked to play for England in the semi- the University. over, they managed one last desperate Education: BSc (Economics) his Monday to Friday job as an RAF fast- final of the world cup you don’t reply Underwood retired in 1999 and attack to score the match winning try Leicester University 1990, BA (Land jet fighter pilot with his record-breaking with, ‘well honestly Jack, I don’t think besides a cameo appearance on the in the dying minutes. This year, we Economy) Cambridge 1992 try-scoring exploits for Leicester or I’m up to this.” But his subsequent self- BBC’s Superstars in 2003, he has been hope to live up to the very high stan- Career: Leicester RFC (1987- England at the weekends. Tony admitted deprecating Pizza Hut advert appearance fully occupied away from sport as an dards set by ourselves and our coach- 1995), Cambridge University (2 Rory was a “hard act to follow as when I with Mike Catt testifies to the humilia- Easyjet pilot, a profession he was Blues 1990-1992), Newcastle RFC came into the England ranks, he was tion suffered at Newlands. inspired to pursue after training under “The Varsity Match (1995-1999) breaking records left, right and centre,” Whilst no traditionalist, Underwood the Newcastle Airport flightpath with his International: 27 caps, 13 tries for but the younger Underwood certainly laments the passing of the “amateur days final club, the Falcons. Checking his will stay with us for England; England B (1989-1999); made his own mark, scoring an impres- of club rugby when there’d be team- diary for the 6th December, Underwood England Students (1988-1991); sive 13 tries in 27 appearances for mates ranging from a carpenter, a police- revealed that he’ll be flying that day, but the rest of our lives” England Schools (1986-1987); England. man, an RAF pilot and an investment fittingly, the former Blues legend prom- British and Irish Lions:1993 - New However despite his achievements, banker,” compared with today’s practi- ised to give a couple of tilts of the wing Zealand, 1997 - South Africa Underwood remains particularly frus- cally “one-dimensional” players who are in support of Cambridge if he happened es, and to emulate the success of our trated about the 1995 world cup semi- sucked into full-time rugby before first to be routed over Twickenham. predecessors by coming away with a win that would round off a brilliant season. With a good intake of freshers, and several second and third year under- A term in the life of a Blues star graduates now regularly representing the Blues, the U21s Varsity match is looking very promising indeed. Our Cambridge winger Dave Akinluyi looks back over a term of Varsity preparation squad has performed outstandingly well throughout the season, losing Tour an early stage in this term, only struggling Week 4 - London Welsh only one game, and that by a single We had the great privilege of being invit- deep into the second half. A 50-24 loss First appearances suggested that this was point to an Army team that we ed to play three Japanese universities, seemed rather misrepresentative of our the easiest fixture of the period we were deserved to beat. Since then we have though a 0-3 record was not what we had performance. Later in the week we had now entering. However, having lost con- ANDY SIMS fought back aggressively and won all planned for. To be fair to our opposition the privilege of our first defensive session siderably last year we did not take it of our four games; highlights were a they were very good players, but I have with Shaun Edwards (Rugby League leg- lightly. We ended up celebrating a 19 very solid performance against a phys- never played in such adverse conditions end and part of Wasps coaching staff). point victory but more so the fact that ical navy side and a last minute victo- before. Our performance against Hosei we were beginning to click. ry against Bedford in a game where we was perhaps the worst to date but that has Week 2 - Bedford had to work very hard to grind out the helped to move us forward. This tour also Our second win, this time against Week 5 - London Wasps result. helped to reveal a lot about some of our Bedford, helped to build further confi- We beat Wasps last year, and had to play Our team’s success is built on the squad members, but “what goes on tour, dence in our abilities as a team. Becoming very well to do so. This game was perhaps strength of our forwards – from tight- stays on tour”. notable was the strength of our defence just as important in terms of taking strong head through to No.8, they are physi- and the performance of our forwards. The steps forward towards Varsity. Another cal, fast and aggressive, working them- Back to Cambridge intensity of our programme does not mix hard fought win said a lot about where selves into the ground time after time Sobered by Japan we returned to much too easily with outings, but a few socials we were considering the quality of the to secure good attacking ball. Both in contemplation for one and all, including here and there were very welcome. opposition we were facing. Training was their set-pieces and loose play they team goal-setting sessions and individual Various guys went out with various girls light that week, with a pool recovery ses- have completely dominated all opposi- developmental meetings with our captain but, sure enough, we all ended up in sion thrown in to help preparation for the tion they have faced, and we expect and coaches. This was also when training Rumboogie. Of course, the early morning next game. the Varsity match to be no different. began in earnest. We have aimed to be fit- session was well attended. The backs pride themselves on strong ter and Ed Hallam’s (Fitness & Week 6 - Manu Samoa running and support play, and Conditioning Coach) warm-up is harder Week 3 - Harlequins and Leicester Tigers extremely solid defence. Throughout than any of us have ever seen. Our first Our only away game so far and Two rugby matches against pros in five the team the absolute desire to win has game of the term was against Cambridge Harlequins put out a very strong team, days is pretty taxing at the best of times. Dave Akinluyi impresses against Bodgers shone through, each player focussed City. Considering the tour results, we including a couple of former England Make one of them a country known for completely on the task at hand – victo- needed to win and we did. players. A poor start cost us dearly but a “smashing” people, who are preparing to an excuse. Our performance was below ry at Twickenham. It will not be easy. much better second half was something take on England etc., and things become the standard we have been setting recent- No Varsity match ever is, but come Week 1 - Leinster to hold on to. Friday’s Captain’s Cocktails a little harder. A huge crowd was at ly, and we were punished with a loss. We December 6th, at 11:30am, everything Leinster were a very good team. This is to were very eventful. This had been agreed Grange Road to see us take on Samoa. hope to make best use of this rugby lesson that we play for will be there for the say that, like many of the teams we play, as our last opportunity to drink heavily Once again we showed exciting signs of in the final two games before we take on winning, and we have one chance to they all get paid a lot of money to play before cutting down alcohol consump- clicking while going down 22-9. Tigers the “other place”. take it. The Varsity match will stay rugby well. In the time I’ve played for the tion, so at least a couple of us decided to were a young but talented side. Fatigue with us for the rest of our lives. Blues, we have never been so fit at such go down fighting. was expected but was not to be taken as 20 Varsity Arts 25.11.05 A LESSON IN LESSING TESS RILEY has tea and cakes with author and activist DORIS LESSING

lthough we’ve spoken she moved to London in 1949 it sion now that I look back” – her tre stage to read from one of her phrase to a tee. Her novels and indeed she was exiled in 1949 several times over the was Peter who she took with writing never ceased. Even dur- two books published in 2005, non-fiction demonstrate the fact from Rhodesia because of her Aphone, I’m not sure what her. “Being a single parent did- ing her first years in London she Time Bites and The Story of Gener- that she has never been afraid to opposition to the minority white to say to her when we meet. n’t exist in my day. It was hard was extremely productive. “I al Dann and Mara’s Daughter, make her views – often strongly government. How do you address an 86-year- but I just got on with it. You realised I had to sacrifice some- Griot and the Snow Dog. political – known. Having given me a glimpse old woman who is termed one cope when you have to.” thing. It was not going to be my Lessing’s moral in life Many of her novels into just a few of her experi- of the most important post-war Lessing has more than coped. son or my writing, so in the end is to “think wrongly, are partly an ences, her views on life, love, lit- writers in English? “Hi Doris” She has written over 50 novels, I gave up a social life. I don’t if you please, but in attack on the erature and politics, Lessing certainly is not right but then as well as essays, poems, short think children realise how much all cases think for behaviour of looks at me sternly; “don’t make “Ms Lessing” is rigid, and a bit stories and plays. Many know their parents do for them.” yourself.” Her white people me out to be something I’m not precocious? So, when we finally her as the author of The Golden When I ask her what inspires independent char- towards black when you write this up. I am no meet face to face at Cambridge Notebook, which, slightly to her acter fits this people, and wonder-woman. Talk to my son Station I splurt out a stilted “It’s dismay, was appropriated as a – when he was much younger so great to meet you at last Doris staple of the feminist movement he asked me just the sort of Lessing”. in the early sixties. question that you should be ask- Later on, in a teashop, Lessing “Of course I am a feminist – ing – ‘why can’t you write as takes me back to her early years. that does not mean I admire the “ well as The Iliad?’ THERE ARE TWO By the time she was my age, 20, way men have been damaged As I start to refute her, to tell she was married with two chil- by the sometimes very vindic- THINGS THAT her how I loved her first novel, dren on the way. Born in Persia, tive powers of women”. An LIBERATED WOMEN: The Grass Is Singing, how much I now Iran, she was raised in admirer of the Victorian suffra- am looking forward to reading Southern Rhodesia, now gettes, who “had a purpose”, THE PILL AND THE her latest Time Bites, how much Zimbabwe. Remarkably she left Lessing thinks the feminist WASHING MACHINE more that appeals to me than her convent school at the age of movement of the 1960s was a The Iliad at this point in my life, 13 and chose to teach herself lot of talk but not enough she stops me; “Wait and see instead. She firmly believes that action. “There are two things once you’ve read them. Don’t experiencing life is the best edu- that liberated women: the pill make false assumptions”, she cation possible. “I read profusely and the washing machine.” ” advises. Her motto comes back after I’d left school. What better Indeed, the fact that Lessing, as her it is unsurprising that she into my mind. teachers can you have?” she a single mother, felt scorned by responds immediately: “writ- As we stand to leave, donning asks with a wry smile. I see an the very people who claimed to ing”. Her family, of course, is hats, scarves and gloves to pro- early hint of her distrust of New be establishing women’s rights central and I discover she is a tect us from the harsh Labour policies which we dis- still clearly unsettles her. devoted cat lover, but writing Cambridge wind whistling cuss later. “At least Major and Lessing “became political” keeps her “sane”. What around outside, she shakes my Thatcher read. What does Tony when she was 24. She always astounds me is the fact that at hand warmly. As I say a slightly Blair read?” knew she wanted to be a writer 86 she is so active and remains awkward, “Thank you for your The author left her farmer and many of her novels are at so involved in the literary scene. time Doris…Lessing” she gives husband and their two children least partly autobiographical. Appearing at the Edinburgh one final laugh and walks out for Gottfried Lessing, a commu- Famed for her involvement with Book Festival 2005, a regular saying, “Really, you must call nist, who fathered Peter. When communism – a “neurotic deci- event for her, Lessing took cen- me Doris.”

Andy Wimbush reviews an under- Nicky Grant is electrified by Ghosts stated interpretation of Ibsen Grease this classic musical hen you think of Grease, atmosphere that penetrated the part to Adam Cole’s awkward you no doubt have a audience. However, this produc- stage presence as Doody, though Wpreconceived image of tion suffered from bouts of inter- this was redeemed by Cian what to expect. This is just what mittent lifelessness, especially with O’Luanaigh as Roger and Charlie you will get if you see Grease: The regard to some of the acting, Corn as Kenickie, who were both

CLAUDE SCHNEIDER Musical, a near re-enactment of meaning that the musical scenes excellent. the film. occasionally lacked coherence. Given the large cast and length Jen Rolfe, the director, was Special mention must go to the of the show, the directors were right to say that she couldn’t have live band, which was sensational, obviously constrained by time. done much to build on or alter the coming to the rescue at times The dance routines were stun- memorable, clichéd characters of when the stage lost its magnetism. ning, but the direction didn’t the original film. Unsurprisingly, The tempo did pick up: the classic seem entirely thought out in most looked as if they had been “Go Grease Lightning” scene was a some of the acting scenes. This, lifted from the 1960s set. Charlie joy and the finale was spectacular. unfortunately, let it down. Some Spring was outstanding, giving a Both Aileen Bintliff as Jan and of the opening scenes in particu- consistent performance, as the Lucy Buzzoni as Rizzo were lar were poor. brassy and bold Frenchy. As the enjoyable to watch throughout. Although there were weak- leading male, Danny, James But the undoubted star of the nesses, this was a good show: fun- Doherty’s earnest John Travolta show was the hilarious Graham filled, bright and energetic. If you impressions were a clever touch Johnson as Teen Angel. His rendi- loved Grease, you will no doubt that went down a treat with the tion of “Beauty School Dropout” enjoy this. audience. was nothing short of genius. The flamboyant costumes, The dynamic of the “Pink Robinson College Auditorium, combined with audacious dancing Ladies” gave them an extra edge 7.45pm, until Saturday 26th Novem- and singing, created an electric over the boys. This was due in ber, £7/5

aven’t we had our fair late husband’s history as she and sary level of anxiety. As Alving’s GRANT NICKY share of theatre-based Pastor Manders (Dan Martin) son, he has more than enough Hcontroversy this term? prepare his memorial. The two burdens to carry and, as the You’d be forgiven for looking sur- leads cope admirably with long, play unfolds, these burdens prised if a play didn’t include the difficult scenes that lay the only multiply. But we are words “bestial”, “venereal” or foundations of back-narrative denied any glimpses into the simply “contains nudity” some- for the revelations to follow. trauma of the broken son of a where in its publicity. The charac- Buckland-Hoby’s closed yet vul- broken father. Dan Martin’s ters of Henrik Ibsen’s Ghosts are nerable dignity makes her highly-strung clergyman is the equally preoccupied with their entirely convincing as a woman only character to provide the taboos, ever tip-toeing around with something to hide. It was a audience with the sense of the playwright’s keyword: “scan- great shame that her perform- unease appropriate for the era. dal”. But, saturated as we ance was marred by the occa- Catherine Spencer’s direction Cambridge audiences have been sional need for a prompt, dis- has concentrated on the under- with narcotics and sexual devian- tracting for an audience who are statement, perhaps at the cy, the old-fashioned scandals of expected to absorb a lot of infor- expense of our discomfort. There Ghosts are hard to drive home. I mation. Dave Walton, as the are some excellent individual mean, there is little that simple, lame old Engstrand, delivers a performances, but overall some- innocuous adultery can say to spark of tragicomic malevo- thing is missing. You’ll be told goat-shagging architects and blas- lence, lightening the sober tone about the scandal and the phemous, free-loving hippies. of the play. His daughter, played tragedy, but you’ll leave feeling Mentioning orgies seems almost by Vivienne Storry, was perfect- distinctly undisturbed. The cellist unnecessary. ly poised, capturing the delicate promised in the programme was Fortunately, this production and confused limbo in which strangely absent when I saw is blessed with some solid per- her character lives. Ghosts. Unlike Orgy’s string sec- formances. The scene is nine- But what about the scandal? tion, however, I’ll bet she keeps teenth-century Norway and the Well, that’s just it. Where is it? her clothes on. liberal-minded widow Mrs Most of the weight falls on Alving (Hermione Buckland- Krzys Honowski’s Oswald, who Pembroke New Cellars, 7.30pm, Hoby) is forced to confront her is unable to deliver the neces- until Saturday 26th November,£5 The cast of Grease impress with their “audacious dancing and singing” 25.11.05 Arts Varsity 21 From fifth week blues to Nick Drake remembered Few would argue with the fact Q: What sort of places did Nick that Nick Drake is Cambridge’s hang around in Cambridge? most inspirational musician, with IC: I tended to hear him in vari- delta blues artists as far a field as R.E.M., The ous students rooms. He was at Cambridge University is no Glasgow School of Art: we don’t produce many great musicians. Charlatans and Elton John citing Fitz but he had various friends in him as a major influence. His Caius - Paul Wheeler, Robert Atiyo Ghosh speaks to an old bandmate of Nick Drake (right), the greatest yet, while Mary indecipherable guitar parts and Kirby - he was a member of a Bowers speaks to the recent graduates who hope to follow in his footsteps (below) plaintive lyrics have established a Caius society called The Loafers - cult following. Nick’s career left Paul and Robert were members. an indelible, if posthumous mark The classic description of Nick Jeremy Warmsley Molly Beanland on British music during a life cut playing at Cambridge is in Ian tragically short in 1974 after his Macdonald's piece. Churchill College 2000-4 Queens’ College 2004/5 suspected suicide following a long battle with depression. He spent Q:Apart from Caius May Ball,did “I’m not terribly rock and roll as Transgressive he has left the dark Molly Beanland isn’t afraid to will leave her at the top of two years of his life in Fitzwilliam Nick perform a lot here? Was he a person,” claims Jeremy bricks of Churchill College far leave behind her Cambridge the WH Smith charts, A listed studying English, and writing as shy at performing back then Warmsley. As the NME has behind. roots; although, at the tender by Jonathan Ross. But don’t songs that would appear on later as he has become reputed to be? pointed out, his name’s Jeremy. age of 19, she seems to be be misled: this girl’s more albums, including the song River IC: He played at the Pitt club - he And he has a penchant for pink getting used to the idea of Kate Bush than Kate Rusby, Man, which describes his was effective playing in student's T-Shirts. He does, however, fame with a certain degree of and having been heralded as thoughts on Cambridge. He rooms - which is quite hard to do make this claim from the less- coyness. “I met Brian May the ‘female Tom McRae’, quickly found like-minded musi- in fact. than-geekish location of a www.jeremywarmsley.com the other night. I was like, there’s something more than cians in various Cambridge tourbus on the way to Liverpool ‘Hi, my God.” But don’t be a little chilling about the colleges, including Caius’ Robert Q: Can you remember any records that he was particularly from Bristol, where he is sup- fooled by the rocks that she whispering vocals on ballads Kirby who went on to write most of the orchestral scores on his fond of? porting Regina Spektor on a got: this time last year Molly such as ‘Snow on the Roses’ records. Nick set about plans to IC: That whole generation of three-date national minitour. was a tender(ish) young and ‘Nightingale’. Five min- leave and pursue his musical musicians was influenced by jazz Playlisted by Radio 1 and Xfm, English fresher at Queens’ utes of listening relinquishes career, which he did at the end of and blues. On the jazz front he lis- making remixes for Maximo before being whisked away control of spine and the hairs his second year. Atiyo Ghosh tened to Miles Davis and John Park: and to think only two by Universal to be labelmates on the back of your neck, and was lucky enough to track down Coltrane - he was influenced by years ago he was philosophising with the likes of The Killers, even though we’re British, Ian Cameron, a Selwyn the fantastic school of British gui- in the UL with the rest of us. PJ Harvey and, err, Mariah everyone loves a success Alumnus who has played the tarists who merged jazz and blues Now, with two EPs under his Carey. Molly may seem, at story: Molly is currently co- flute with Nick, and ask him some - Davy Graham, John Renbourn belt (the second completely sold first listen, like the kind of writing with Craig Armstrong questions: and Bert Jansch - also the US out) and a record deal with girl Xfm will at first love, and gigging through songwriter Jackson C Frank (who before a transfer of affections December in London. Her Q: Could you describe the music went out with Sandy Denny). from the cool kids to your debut album is due for release scene in Cambridge at the time Like everyone else, he was influ- mum and your Auntie Agnes next year. Nick was here? enced by Dylan and the Beatles. Sleepwalker IC: The thing about that gener- He was interested in the way that ation of Cambridge musicians song-form was being developed Queens’ College 2002- was that they were the first to particularly the way that biogra- Simon Mastrantone come up with some solid musi- phical elements were entering Queens’ five-piece Sleepwalker London gigs, including the cal experience in their year out song-writing. This was the era can’t get enough of playing Barfly and a headliner at the Churchill College 2000-4 -I had joined a band and when Joni Mitchell and Leonard live. And rightly so; they may Dublin Castle. They’ve even played on the underground Cohen released their debut not yet have a recording con- had to turn down a slot at the Ex-Philosophy student Simon tealights in Clown’s Café on scene and even got to perform albums. He heard lots of new tract, but it’s not for lack of Garage. Why, then, stick with Mastrantone is not morbid. He’s King Street, and now having at the Albert Hall. Richard music from his friends in Caius. offers. Instead, Ed Stone, Tom Cambridge? “The smallness of just spooky. And unlike many branched out to Farringdon in Jones had made a record with Nick also liked the British bands the Climax Chicago Blues that were mixing soul jazz and Staw, Tom Stern and Anil the place means you can play regulars on the Cambridge London. “I’m going to be a Band. Paul Wheeler had met blues like Graham Bond and Zoot Kamath have concentrated on small and big gigs at the same Acoustic Scene he’s moved on nightmare to work with” claims up with John Martyn; he was Money. the local scene since their for- time. You can build up a regu- from self-conscious Tim Buckley Simon, though in truth it might impressions to land a record be in his search for the pure friends with the US songwriter tuitous formation in freshers’ lar fan base and play eight gigs Q: How disciplined was he in his deal with Rekabet Records His rock and roll lifestyle that Robin Frederick who Nick had week over three years ago. a term. Yet you can play balls met during his year out in Aix. writing/practising of music? first EP Simon Mastrantone…and makes his brand of pedantry so Frontman Greg Cook is as and mix with the likes of the Paul Wheeler's girlfriend was IC: He had a very ordered happy-go-lucky as he is charis- Kaiser Chiefs.” They certainly the First Noise comes out in April appealing. Instead of spending John Lennon's personal secre- approach to song construction - matic, “The main aim is to be can’t be branded studio-her- next year, after various video the recording budget on a tary and later Nick got to hang his guitar technique was astonish- the best band that we can and mits, yet their first two EPs shootings and recording ses- London studio and engineers, out at John's house in Ascot. ing and people still struggle to see where we end up. In terms sold a thousand copies and sions. Together with Jeremy Simon has chosen a cottage by There was a Cambridge intel- copy it today. of getting signed, every band they’ve just produced their Warmsley (see above). Simon the sea in Wales, because he lectual side to the student aims for that.” Quite a modest first self-released studio album, was responsible for Songs in the likes the idea of sleeping on the music scene. King’s had a com- Nick Drake studied English at mission statement for a band Broken Town Tuesday “This Dark, still run on alternate floor…or the tourbus. “I like poser in residence - Tim Fitzwilliam College from 1967- that has played various our opus. We’re not just a stu- Sundays by the flicker of the idea of sleeping where I Souster and he was in touch 1969 before dropping out in dent band - we’re setting our work” he says. It’s a good thing with the New York scene - favour of a recording contract early minimalism, Terry Riley's with Island Rcords (now agenda with this album”. Let’s he never worked in the sewage “IN C”, for example, and he Universal). His debut album, Five hope Cambridge is only the industry. helped sow those ideas into the Leaves Left was released in 1969. first stop on their itinerary. student community. The most He then recorded Bryter Later and advanced band was Henry Pink Moon was released in 1974, Cow, who played in weird time shortly before his death. signatures. I wonder whether River Man (which is in 5/4) Nick Smart brings his jazz tribute to isn’t intended to show he can Nick Drake to the Fitzwilliam Audito- www.sleepwalkermusic.co.uk www.simonmastrantone.co.uk do that sophisticated stuff too. rium at 8pm on Sunday. Ticket are £5. You came to see a rockshow? Lowri Jenkins witnesses the unholy union of rock and dance nless you’ve been techno inform the electronic. tokenistic world of bootlegs, or From the dance-inspired grooves wearing industrial- The matchmaking Cilla to this the unforgiving sodomy of of the Long Blondes’ spring- Ustrength ear-muffs formerly unacquainted dance- machines that is trance. released Giddy Stratospheres, to since January, you have prob- rock pair comes in the form not Similarly, ‘rock’ bands such as the electro-screech of DFA ably noticed the seduction of of the musician, but the DJ. the Rakes are remixed and rein- 1979’s February album You’re A alternative music by ‘electrop- Taking their machines to guitars, terpreted by bands and DJs Woman, I’m a Machine: all con- unk’; the result of a dirty, innovators such as 2manydjs, DJ alike. The most exciting record nect, but cannot be defined. exhilarating love affair Yoda and DJ Dangermouse labels are neither dance, nor This music is glued together by between dance and rock, have shown rock bands what rock, but both: Modular, DFA, mind, not by matter: what which in 2005 finds itself in their instruments are capable of. 679, City Rocker. This is the bonds musicians is feeling and foot-stompingly, hair-swaying- Radio Soulwax mixes of Peaches sound of the humanisation of attitude, not content. Similar ly sleazy rude health. The and the Velvet Underground machines, of computers and ideas are applied in different sound is embodied by LCD reveal not only rock’s potential instruments and effects pedals ways: musicians become pro- Soundsystem’s January debut, in dance music, but the over- and bleeps and bangs moving ducers; DJs become musicians, a record which sweeps from looked dance potential in rock souls and (more importantly) with incredible results. lazy rock to throbbing electro music. The line between what’s soles. Countless times we have been to punk and back again. electronic and what’s instru- This music fuses the intensity, told that dance is dead, rock is Although frontman James mental has been erased. You insistence and orchestration of dead: but this year, the sneaky Murphy breaks new ground can’t tell what is making what dance music with the raw electropunk affair has culminat- with the best music of the sound and that’s why it’s excit- energy, careering momentum ed in a rejuvenation of both year, inspiration comes from ing: is that a machine sounding and impulsive infectiousness of genres. This art reflects our the past. The warm sparse- like a guitar? Or a guitar sound- punk to create the sexiest, most society: sleazy yet mechanised; ness of post-punk legends ing like a machine? In 2005, danceable of unions. Its poten- irresistible yet esoteric; cheap yet such as Public Image Ltd. and acts like Vitalic and Death From tial is so huge, and its effects so exclusive; derivative yet forward XTC informs the raw, taut gui- Above 1979 have taken music a irresistible that even Girls Aloud thinking; aggressive yet depend- tars; and disco, 80s pop and step further than the often desperately try to bastardise it. ent. This is the sound of 2005. Dance, sleaze and rock ‘n’ roll - DFA, 1979 22 Varsity Arts 25.11.05 VARSITY’S TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2005

The Arcade Fire Bloc Party Kano Funeral Silent Alarm 7 Home Sweet Home 1 4 Varsity says: Varsity said: Varsity said: “I’m wondering why if no-ones dancing, “The crux of Funeral’s force lies in “Bloc Party’s success in mixing song- his records still spin? Because it’s damn the raw, momentous passion seeping writing with sonic experimentation marks damn good - that’s why.” from its every bar. Any recommendation them out as a veritable diamond in the Sam Blatherwick more developed than ‘just incredible’ faeces-strewn rough of the current rock seems like unnecessary over-analysis.” scene.” Jon Swaine Was Yaqoob Ladytron Death from Above 1979 8 The Witching Hour Vitalic Varsity says: You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine “This album has charted far lower than it Ok Cowboy 5 deserves so go get this great record some credit.” 2 Varsity said: Alex Lambeth Varsity said: “It exemplifies the visceral, sexual “Vitalic is all about throbbing basslines, energy that splurges from each of this LCD Soundsystem soaring keyboard screams, thrashing gui- record’s orifices. This record makes you tars and wandering synths merging want to slam-dance and shoot people in together – an awesome soundscape of the face, but, for once, in a good way.” LCD Soundsystem Was Yaqoob 9 pure noise-pop bliss.” Varsity said: Sam Blatherwick “Finally it’s a danceable indie record M.I.A. that... likely presages LCD’s deserved Sufjan Stevens crossover world-domination.” Arular Tom Durno Come on Feel the Illinoise 6 Varsity says: 3 “Infectious rhythms, contagious Gorillaz Varsity says: rhymes; M.I.A. shook her way out of “Every offering from Sufjan Stevens’ London Art College and straight to Missy 10 Demon Days musical journey of the ‘dark side’, aka Elliot’s album. A pub singalong album in a the United States, is as earnest, lyrical- world ruled by ultra-hip Sri Lankans. All Varsity says: ly brilliant and musically rounded as together now: WHAT CAN I GET FOR TEN “While Gorillaz was a rather uncertain ‘Illinois’.” DOLLAR?” compilation of various styles Demon Days Jacqui Tedd Sam Blatherwick is far more substantial.” James Allnutt

Luis Tristán's monumental The long thin panel possibly Luis Tristan ‘Adoration of the Shepherds’ painted as one of four Pascuas is a representation of these for the convent of Hieronymite “The Adoration verses from Luke's Gospel. It nuns at Toledo known as La was painted in 1620 at the Reina, has a complicatedly of the height of the Counter arranged composition. The Reformation, in the wake of attenuated limbs and elongated Shepherds” the Council of Trent which bodies of the central figures 1620 demanded clarity of narrative. recall the work of El Greco,

THE FITZWILLIAM MUSEUM The whole composition is Tristán's teacher. The beautiful Fitzwilliam devised to be seen from a handling of the lamb's wool kneeling position, the viewer and incidental figures like the ound Museum follows the vertical access shepherd in the left foreground from the naked legs of the anticipate the work of the great "Glory to God in the highest, and devout Shepherd to the bound 17th century Spanish painter on earth peace, good will toward and trussed lamb in the fore- Velázquez. The whole work is a men. And it came to pass, as the ground below the manger, jubilant celebration of the angels were gone away from included to remind us that the Christmas message "on earth them into heaven, the shepherds sleeping baby will eventually peace, good will toward men." said one to another, Let us now be sacrificed Lamb of God, on go even unto Bethlehem, and the cross. Our gaze is then see this thing which is come to taken to the pensive Virgin, Each week we highlight an pass, which the Lord hath made through the arm of Joseph to object of aesthetic interest in known unto us. And they came the ray of celestial light and Cambridge. with haste, and found Mary, and the Putti holding up the jubi- Send suggestions to Joseph, and the babe lying in a lant verse "Glory to God in the manger." Luke II.14-17. Highest." [email protected] Art Ar Cambridge It’s a kind of magic Simon Evans shares his magic touch You will need: of Spades (or whichever card of cards. They will confidently A deck of cards. was originally on the bottom). shake hands, sealing both the A bit of nerve. bargain and his/her fate. Step Four: You could now Step One: All you need to do is confidently reveal the name of Step Six: Slowly place the remember the card on the bot- the card they’ve picked, prob- deck down and look through tom of the deck. Let us pre- ably with a suitable Derren the pre-dealt cards on the tend, for example, that it is the Brown frown. But this will table until you find their face Ace of Spades. win you minimal respect and up card (above the Ace of certainly no drinks. Instead, Spades). Flash them an “Oh- Step Two: Ask your victim to start to deal cards from the top dear-who’s-in-trouble” smile, select a card and remember it. of the deck face up onto a and smartly turn their card Make sure they do remember table. You will eventually face down. it. (Many a demonstration in come to the Ace of Spades, fol- the past has been in vain lowed immediately afterwards The next card you turned over when, at the climax, a specta- by their chosen card, but carry was indeed their card. They tor has confessed “I never on dealing. should fork over whatever looked at the card I picked.”) they gambled, and then, with a Step Five: Pause for a moment, bit of luck, they may invite a Step Three: Ask them to place then say to the poor punter, “I friend over. Drink and repeat, their card on the top of the bet you a that drink and repeat. deck. Cut the deck. Do not the next card I turn over is shuffle. If you were to look your card.” The aforemen- Simon Evans is fronting the New through the cards now you tioned punter has already seen Magic Show at the ADC, Wednes- would find that their chosen his/her card placed on the day 30th November until Sunday card is directly below the Ace table, now buried under a pile 3rd December, £4/£5 23 Varsity Arts 25.11.05 TOM

KINGSLEY Cinema: Ghost In the Shell II: Innocence ##### Innocence, from the Japanese cult EAST MEETS WEST animation director Mamoru Oshii, reaches the UK a full ten years after the film’s prequel, the original Ghost in the Shell, became a worldwide critical and commer- cial success, spawning a Japanese television series as well as heavily influencing the Wachowski brothers in their creation of the Matrix trilogy of films. Set in 2032, in a claustropho- bic noir-tinted incarnation of near-future Tokyo, the plot fol- lows the efforts of Batou, a sur- vivor of the original film and gruffly voiced by Akio Otsuka, and his partner, Togusa, to unravel the cause of a malfunc- tion occurring among androids that have been designed to look like women and are used as sex Ed King explores the best in recent Asian cinema dolls by their owners. Unfortunately, it appears that his month’s Masamura tor John Woo, who pioneered a vated Miramax to buy the distri- sequel, The Ring 2. The problem is Gere) loses his inhibitions whilst many of these “gynoids” have TYasuzo retrospective at the new brand of brash crowd-pleas- bution rights for Hero, that, although some argue that learning how to dance. However, taken to brutally murdering their Cambridge Arts Picture ing action film, which alerted Americanize it by changing the this attention to Asian cinema has placing the narrative out of the masters instead of accommodat- House is in many ways yet anoth- Hollywood's attention. The box- soundtrack, cutting scenes and to be positive because it is drawing context of the Japanese work ing their sexual fantasies. er familiar trend. Anybody who office success of Jackie Chan's having the film endorsed by audiences' attention to cinematic ethic, the film wildly missed the Beyond this, the plot can never has been to their local Rumble in the Bronx proved the Quentin Tarantino, and then re- traditions outside their own like point of the original. really be said to develop itself Blockbusters recently and seen deciding factor. It became clear release it. never before, the remakes tend to With high-profile remakes of any further, quickly becoming titles from Tartan Video's Asia Despite the integration of these be watered-down and bland com- Old Boy and Infernal Affairs in the mired in the rather peculiar Extreme series in amongst the lat- big Hong Kong directors into the pared to the originals. Whilst the pipe-line and more being invested manner in which the two con- est releases will know that Asian US industry, famed for their abili- transition from a Japanese to an in movie industries across Asia duct their investigation. cinema is no longer reserved for ty to make hard-hitting action American audience is relatively than ever before, prospects look Although there is no doubting the festivals. Yet, whilst exploiting movies on the cheap (usually star- smooth within the horror and positive for the Asian film market. THE MASAMURA the pair’s zeal for their work, this increase of interest in Asian “ ring Jean-Claude Van Damme), action genres, remakes of dramas, But perhaps the Masamura sea- they both have an alarming film, the Masamura season is a SEASON IS A TIMELY the Hollywood re-make has more embedded within the cul- son, which gives us an opportuni- propensity to engage their key timely antidote to a growing ANTIDOTE TO A proved the most contentious ture, have met with much less ty to see the work of a less known witnesses in an impenetrable Hollywoodization of Asia's film GROWING issue. Since John Sturges's The success. Of note is last year’s Shall contemporary of the more round of philosophical discourse industries. HOLLYWOODIZATION OF Magnificent Seven, a star-packed re- We Dance? based on the Japanese acclaimed Kurosawa and Ozu, on the nature of human exis- Since the early 80's with the ASIA’S FILM INDUSTRIES working of Kurosawa's The Seven film of the same name, in which should motivate us to go back to tence. Not only do these maze- emergence of the Chinese '5th Samurai, it has been recognised an up-tight business man (Richard the originals. like conversations make for Generation' movement, post-rev- that re-makes with recognisable unbearably dull viewing, they olutionary film in Iran and the actors and no subtitles tend to be completely snare up any oppor- Taiwanese 'new cinema', film crit- more profitable that a simple tunities for plot development ics and cinephiles on the look-out redistribution of the original for- and the token action scenes are for refreshing independent movies that it was in Hollywood's inter- eign films. too few and far between to inject have found their salvation in ests to start co-opting this talent, No trend has been more suc- any sense of entertainment into Asian film. However, it was not not” only for its commercial poten- cessful than the recent run of re- the experience. until the success of the Hong Kong tial within Hollywood's well- makes of East Asian films. The Though visually stunning, the 'New Wave' that Asian film established distribution networks, success of Dreamworks' remake of film’s plodding plot dwells upon attracted the attention of the big but also to exploit the built-in Hideo Nakata's Ringu sparked off a ideas which have been previously US-production companies and audience that came with big series of hugely profitable adapta- explored thoroughly in others, with them an international mass- names like Woo and Chow Yun- tions, including Nakata's Dark giving it the atmosphere of an market audience. Fat as a point of entry into the Water and Takashi Shimizu's The unnecessary anachronism. It was primarily the work of huge Chinese speaking market. It Grudge. Nakata even agreed to Dave Camp Jackie Chan and crime film direc- was this same strategy that moti- direct the re-make of his own The End of Cinema? Sasha Nicholl DVD: Jacob’s Ladder ##### investigates Prior to the release of Jacob's many special effects were Ladder in 1990, director needed for this). As for the Adrian Lynne had been best 'monsters', they are often he infusion of digitality and Probably not: hear me out… a phenomenal cultural symbol illegal or not - has more damage known for erotic thrillers like only hinted at, but when they Tnew media in the 21st cen- Cinema is a passive medium and institution - as simply archa- to its name than box-office losses. Fatal Attraction and 9 1/2 do reveal themselves they are tury seems set to sound the (unless it happens to be your sec- ic. Sociological factors aside, peo- Whilst blows to the movie indus- Weeks. Jacob's Ladder, a terrify- genuinely disturbing - most death knell for cinema as we ond date, somewhere in the back ple still like films, surely, even if try are mitigated in Hollywood by ingly disturbing horror movie resembling deformed know it. The visual and aural row). It might well have fulfilled their value now lies in something ridiculously soft financial cush- about the experiences of a humanoids rather than actual pleasure, the emotional intensity, many of the expectations of an other than excitement - (relax- ions, they hit rather harder on traumatised Vietnam veteran, beasts (or New Yorkers). the communal enjoyment of audience of our fathers and fore- ation? escapism?). In many ways, the so-called 'specialized cinema' is not one of these (granted, The film itself is allegory- high-quality film on the big fathers, prepared to sit back, we have to look more at the sector. With a higher risk factor of there is one "scene of a sexu- heaven, and raises a multi- screen - these are all beginning to watch illusions and suspend dis- decline of the “movie theatre” financial failure now shadowing al nature" in the film, but it tude of questions. Is Jacob's fade on a new generation torn belief, but today new technolo- than the “movie” itself. the film industry, companies are involves far too many tenta- nightmarish confusion a between an overload cultural gies have prepared and empow- Piracy has been heralded as a sticking to more mainstream for- cles to be erotic for anyone metaphor for how Vietnam stimuli. Self-indulgent actors, ered the human imagination in major parasitical culprit for the mulas, often even producing except the most committed of vets felt after returning video piracy, a relentless succes- new ways. There are, as we all demise of contemporary cinema. plots that have already been perverts.) The film may not home? Are the monsters sion of big-budget flops - all have well know, brand new audiences Having been defined as a "victim- tried-and-tested (Alfie, The Italian be erotic, but it is definitely a indicative of the dehumanisa- been blamed as Hollywood strug- out there who make up not just a less crime", the actual damages Job, Starsky and Hutch, to name a thriller, as the protagonist tion that war brings about? gles to explain a world-wide box television generation, but a post- induced out on the high sea seem few). Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins) And why isn't Tim Robbins office slump. But do such factors television generation where ideas pretty colossal: the UK film The overpowering pressure of attempts to find out why he is good anymore? Jacob's sufficiently account for our of excessive choice, personal industry estimates its losses at an structural economic forces on the being plagued by terrible hal- Ladder is probably best appre- divorce from cinema? Or is it sim- investigation, multilateral com- annual £500, and the figure rises execution of independent cinema lucinations. ciated firstly as an incredibly ply that, in today's impatient munication and sensorial interac- to £1.6 billion for the US. Of releases is easily underestimated. Whilst the plot is intriguing, effective horror-chiller, world of interactive games, cyber- tivity have become common- course, piracy exists for one rea- The unpalatable fact of the matter where Lynne triumphs is in although the film does have a relationships, laptops and video place. Things have come a long son; the very same reason film is that the current downturn in creating an atmosphere of strong emotional undercur- phones, we have surpassed the way since September 1983: inter- exhibitors and distributors oppose film revenue is indirectly leading nightmarish confusion and rent, and one which is surpris- passivity of the silver screen? activity and multimedia may well it: public demand. Films are still us down a path of market-driven oppression, where even the ingly not negated by the Cinema admissions started to be words that are too familiar popular, but more for a cheap and conformism, where diversity slips most mundane situations appearance of Macaulay go downhill towards the middle anymore to be truly attended to, quiet night in than an exciting away behind white flashy smiles contain a sense of dread. Caulkin (although it's a mer- of the 20th century- from an but they are certainly the major night out. From car-boot sales to and Universal Picture sunsets. Travelling on an under- cifully brief role). impressive 1.4 billion in 1951 to contemporary cultural stimulants online file sharing programs, the Today, the demise of cinema is ground rail network has It's most likely to be an all-time low of 53 million in of the 21st century. sources for acquiring pirated films qualitative as well as quantitative never seemed so scary - even enjoyed by fans of horror and 1984. No tortuous knowledge of If cinema intends to survive, are almost omnipresent. Go to - not only are cinema prices rising on the Northern line. The those who are interested in technological history is required maybe it will have to make a pact Jakarta or Bangkok, and DVDs - and DVD prices falling: the films way Lynne effectively switch- the Vietnam War and anyone to realize that this time span also and a relationship with concepts as well as cheap hash and coun- are crap as well. es between Jacob's reality who has ever played the accommodated a concomitant of interactivity, and it has to see terfeit Gucci's - are being stuffed So there you have it: the mul- and his nightmare without Silent Hill series of rise in alternative visual media, itself as only part of a multimedia into Western pockets at 30p a hit. tifaceted silver-screen story - warning creates a continuous videogames. However, due to namely the television and, later, cultural adventure. Needless to say, various measures complete with cultural innova- feeling of tension, and the one particularly disturbing the video recorder. The two So it could be argued that, after have been carried out to curtail tions, economic forces and a film's $25 million budget has scene, it's almost certainly not curves are unquestionably relat- over a century of activity, we piratical activity: the film author- heavy dose of anachronism - been effectively used to cre- to be appreciated by anyone ed. Coincidentally, on 31st have cinema that is too familiar ities' latest brainchild entailed the allfactors constantly reinforcing ate a nightmare world of who has an irrational fear of September 1983 - only one year and predictable, hopelessly issuing of night goggles for cine- one another in a downhill decay and isolation (though hospital trolleys… prior to an unprecedented silver weighed down by old conven- ma staff to prevent the illegal dialectic of filmic doom. But considering most of the film- screen slump - the zapper, or the tions and outworn verities, and recording of Harry Potter and the don't worry, there has to be a ing was done in New York its Ben Gough remote control, was introduced simply too passive for our fidgety Goblet of Fire at its release this happy ending - as long as probably questionable how into the living-rooms of the and restless generation to enjoy. year. Freaky. Hollywood's in charge. world. A tenuous connection? But we cannot dismiss film - such The rise of the DVD - whether 24 Varsity Listings 25.11.05

Cambridge Arts Theatre, various times and Top Girls Captain Corelli's prices, until Saturday 26th November Five women’s stories question what Mandolin it is to be a woman in a man’s world. Louis de Bernieres touching novel HMS Pinafore Corpus Christi Playroom, 7pm, £5.50/£4, until is brought to the stage. Another Gilbert & Sullivan staged Saturday 26th November ARU Mumford, 7.30pm, £10/8, Sunday 27th by Cambridge Operatic Society. November Cambridge Arts Theatre, various times and Lost for Words prices, Monday 28th November until Saturday The reflections of a defected writer. What the Butler Saw 3rd December Corpus Christi Playroom, 9.30pm, £5/4, until Saturday 26th November Joe Orton's classic farce Jason Byrne Spartacus Queen’s Fitzpatrick Hall Theatre, 7.30pm, Paper Flowers £6/4, until Saturday 26th November Ireland’s most exhilarating young The Footlights/ADC Pantomime. Fusion of magical realism, absur- comedian. ADC, 7.45pm, £6-£9, until Saturday 3rd dism and black comedy. The Junction, 7pm, £10/8, Thursday 1st stage December (except 27th November) Grease: The Musical Corpus Christi Playroom, 7pm, £6/4, Tuesday Sex, dance and Rock ‘n’ Roll in December Sweethearts 29th November until Saturday 3rd December this classic musical The Good Doctor A bittersweet and poignant drama Robinson College Auditorium, 7.45pm, £7/5, Ghosts until Saturday 26th November Comic, chemically fuelled explosion Dave King set in a Victorian garden. Powerful tragedy by Henrik Ibsen. by two recent Cambridge graduates ADC, 11pm, £3-£5, until Saturday 26th Pembroke New Cellars, 7.30pm, £5, until November Saturday 26th November The Pirates of Pembroke New Cellars, 11pm, until Saturday Penzance 26th November The last week of term is when Footlights Smoker Around the World in 80 everyone wants to act like Last stand-up of the term. Gilbert & Sullivan Society present Stags and Hens ADC, 11pm, Tuesday 29th November minutes this classic operetta. Willy Russell’s touching story set in Cambridge is a hedonistic, An action-packed adventure with Robinson College Auditorium, 7.45pm, £7/5, party-loving city of student The New Magic Show Wednesday 30th November until Saturday 3rd the toilets of a Liverpool club. the Sans Frontières detective December dreams like the cities all our Cambridge magician Simon Evans agency. Girton College Old Hall, 7pm, until Saturday friends at home seem to live presents a line-up of tricks and ARU Mumford, various times and prices, Friday Falstaff and Alcina 26th November, £5/3 in. Obviously it isn’t, but there illusions. 25th until Saturday 26th November Verdi and Handel’s operatic mas- ADC, 11pm, £3-5, Wednedsday 30th November Thyestes are some damn good nights until Saturday 3rd December terpieces on so you can pretend to be the binge-drinking music sophisticate you wanted to be. Kick it off with Pendulum at Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): 12:00, 18:50 Wednesday 30 November: Arts Picturehouse Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): Factotum (15): 11:00, 16:15, 20:50 Clare Cellars on Friday. They 13:00, 15:20, 18:00, 20:30 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire have had a great term down Friday 25 November Night Watch (15): 22:40 (12A): 14:00, 17:15, 20:30 Factotum (15): 12:00, 16:15, 20:50 Saw 2 (18): 23:00 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): there in the dark, and this Future Shorts - November (n/c): 23:00 11:00, 14:10, 18:45 night of funky drum n bass Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Sunday 27 November: Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): (12A): 12:15, 15:30, 18:45, 22:00 A Letter To The Prime Minister (15): 13:30, 16:00, 18:30, 21:00 should be a banger. Jazz at Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): 14:10, 18:30 11:00 John’s offers up some Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): (right) Factotum (15): 16:40, 20:50 Thursday 1 December:

een 13:00, 15:20, 18:00, 20:30 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire After Midnight (15): 19:30 ‘phunky’ bands, including Night Watch (15): 2:40 (12A): 13:30, 17:15, 20:30 Factotum (15): 13:10, 21:10 Jazztank. If nostalgia is your Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): 12:00, 18:50 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Mad Hot Ballroom (U): (left) (12A): 14:00, 17:15, 20:30 thing, go worship at the Free Screening 11:00 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): temple of Blondie (at the Corn Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): Silver Screen 15:20 13:00, 15:20, 18:00, 20:40 Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): Exchange on Saturday). When Red Angel (18): 15:00 13:30, 16:00, 18:30, 21:00 my dad heard Blondie were State Of Denial (15): 17:30 Monday 28 November: playing he begged me for a scr Factotum (15): 12:00, 16:15, 20:50 St John’s backstage pass to meet Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire War of the Worlds: 24h Nov 9pm Debbie Harry. If you don’t (12A): 14:00, 17:15, 20:30 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): 14:10, 18:45 27th Nov, 7pm & 10pm know who she is, then look Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): 13:30, 16:00, 18:30, 21:00 her up and understand what Christ’s your parents were doing when Tuesday 29 November: Factotum (15): 16:50 Sin City, 27th Nov, 8pm & 10.30pm you were in nappies. CUSU Saturday 26 November: Gaslight (PG): 13:30 finishes the term off in style A Wife Confesses (18): 15:00 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (12A): 14:00, 17:15, 20:30 with Distorted Minds (at the (PG): 11:00 Mrs. Henderson Presents (12A): Robinson Soul Tree on Sunday) featur- Factotum (15): 16:40, 20:50 13:30, 16:00, 18:30, 21:00 War of the Worlds: 27th Nov, 9pm Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Hitch: (above) 1st Dec, 9pm ing the Beat Vandals and their (12A): 12:15, 15:30, 18:45, 22:00 crazy cut-and-paste DJing. Also, pop starlet Jem (at the Junction) shows why she was nominated for Q’s ‘Best New Coveney: Island Cambridge Scott's expedition to the Antarctic Pictures Act’ award. The traditional Identity in the Fens Illuminations in 1910-1914 (right). From East Anglia, where he now end of term King’s Mingle Scott-Polar Research Institute, free entry, 1st lives, to the unlikeliest corners of and Currency in Africa The largest and most comprehen- September until 31st March 2006 should finish things off in style sive exhibition of illuminated Eastern Europe, Ian Jeffrey seeks Two of several small exhibitions in out art in the world about us. on December 2nd, with UK the Andrews exhibition gallery that manuscripts including ten cen- turies’ worth from Cambridge Life, ritual and ‘Photographs simply allow me to hip-hop legend Skinnyman explore the extensive reserve col- look at things longer and to reflect showing what it means to have lections of the museum. collections (right). immortality: Eating Fitzwilliam Museum, on them.' a Council Estate of Mind.I Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, free entry, until 30th and Drinking in China University Library Kettle’s Yard, 26 November 2005 - 15 January have really enjoyed writing free entry, 19th September Until 1st December December, and at the until Special display of Chinese bronze, 10th December 2006, free entry this column, and when people jade and ceramic vessels used for have told me they had a good The Real Madagascar rituals and daily life night on my recommendation Fitzwilliam Museum, 4th October - 3rd January An exploration of the flora and 2006, free entry it makes me feel all warm and fauna of the strange island of fuzzy. If you want to shape stu- Madagascar, from pre-history to Rembrandt’s dent nightlife habits step up the present day. Christmas to the plate and take over this Museum of Zoology, free entry, 19th July until Rembrandt’s etchings of the column next term, you get to 24th December Christmas story range from the go places for free which dramatic Angel appearing to the Sybille Berger: should sweeten the deal. Now The Antarctic Shepherds of 1634 to intimate Paintings Photographs of scenes of Christ’s nativity and The impact of Sybille Berger's where are those dancing childhood shoes… paintings is immediate with their Herbert Ponting Fitzwilliam Museum, until 19th February 2006, horizontal bands of strong colour.

exhibitions Photographs taken from the origi- free entry nal negatives of the intrepid Kettle’s Yard, 26 November 2005 - 15 January 2006, free entry photographer who accompanied Ian Jeffrey: Universal

Detonate This Modern Love Distorted Minds Nice Up The Jem Club Goo International Student with Australian d’n’b indie, electro, grime, mash-up sounds from Shakedown sedative song-writing indie, with the Protocol Night superstar Pendulum soul, and probably the Beat Vandals, and reggae, dancehall, 7pm £14 8-2 £5 na zdravje! 9-12:30 £4 some kissing some student bands funk, hip hop, d’n’b, The Junction The Soul Tree 9-2 £4 Clare Cellars 9:30-12:30 £2 8-2 £6 breaks Ballare King’s Cellars The Soul Tree 9-2 £1 before 11, £2.50 Truant Funk da Bar Devilish Presley after UK hip hop you love this Urbanite with support from Blondie Sunday Roast The Kambar 9-2 £3 8-12 £3 is killing Cambridge Screaming Banshee ‘wall to wall/people the weekend stops The Soul Tree Emmanuel bar 9-2 £3 Aircrew hypnotized’ here, and so does your Bad Timing The Soul Tree 7pm £5 7:30 sold out dignity with DJ Scotch Egg Top Banana The Video Club The Man on the Moon The Corn Exchange 9-1 £4 and Chav & Dave CUSU’s weekly eclectic wilderness The Living Room Life 8:30 £5 fruit-market 9-2 £4 acoustica Jazz at John’s Mistress The Soul Tree 9-2 £4 NUS The Kambar 8pm £4 with Acuphuncture, support from Army of Acoustic open mic Ballare CB2 Jazztank and Flying Robots and dubious Harvest Time The Furious Sleep Mingusology Trencher 9pm free with Fursaxa and Alex Unique with support from Uprizing 9-12 £4 8pm £4 CB2 Redfern LBG night Lights on the Highway reggae, dub and jungle St John’s The Portland Arms 8pm £5 9:30-1 8pm £4 8-11 £3.50 CB2 £4 The Man on the Moon The Man on the Moon King Mac One Love Inna ‘Cambridge’s exciting Dancehall Internationl Student new band’ reggae Night 8pm £3 9-2 £5 pohjanmaan kautta! The Locomotive Legends Bar 9:30-2 £5 Life fri sat sun mon tue wed thu YOUR WEEKLY GUIDE TO GOING OUT IN CAMBRIDGE 25.11.05 Advertisement Varsity 25 26 Varsity Advertisement 25.11.05

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CU Italian Society’s Festival of “Contemporary Cinema”

6 Films (Ital. & subt.) & CUITSOC’s Video Interviews with the director, novelist & critic (Ital. & subt.!)

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PIANO TEACHER The Heywood Society Presents WANTED Innocence and for two children, age 10 and 13 Tuesday or Thursday Experience The Fletcher Players and Shadwell are afternoons, ideally around An original adaptation. delighted to open applications to write SamSam SmileySmiley 4.30 - 6.30 and direct for “Smorgasbord”. Huntingdon Rd, £20 per hour Featuring the best new writing by 68 Trumpington Street Friday 25th - Monday 28th Cambridge students, this stalwart of No previous teaching the Corpus Playroom will be the week experience necessary November 6 early show in the Lent Term. Special Offer Just enthusiasm! Peterhouse Theatre, 7.30pm Writers are welcome to submit Call Helen on 563764 finished scripts, maximum 15-20 min- utes long, any time before the first day AUDITIONS of week 1 Lent term (19th January). To Baked potato with Varsity submit a script, express an interest in for "Shopping and Fucking" directing, or for general enquiries by Mark Ravenhill will be back on email Luke (lcag2) or Imogen (irp24) to be performed in Lent term, week 5, baked beans & 7 or 8 (date to be confirmed) January 20th, @ Corpus Christi Playroom 2006. grated cheese. Auditions held: Deadline for advert Saturday 26th November 10 - 5 bookings: January 16th Sunday 27th November 11 - 4 @ Queen's College (see porter's lodge E-mail for room details) [email protected] please email lp287 for questions or Only £1.50 for details. alternative audition times

Buy any takeaway for pizza at the Pizza Hut on the left from Monday 2CAMBRIDGE1 LEISURE to Thursday and PARK get two DVDs for Tel: (01223) the price of one 414488 at CHOICES Advertise on this page rental on the from just £20. E-mail Have a great NIGHT in ON US! Leisure Park [email protected] for information 25.11.05 Advertisement Varsity 31

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Our world at your feet

We have a global commitment to diversity, dignity and inclusiveness. 34 Varsity Quiz 25.11.05 A QUIZ BEFORE CHRISTMAS Following our expose of naked- ness in a Part II Maths lecture, we can go one stage further and reveal, that a Canadian fellow If the term hasn’t provided enough intellectual exercise already, here is was involved in a clotheslessness incident sometime last week. Our source at the dingy modern col- Varsity’s dastardly hard quiz. It wouldn’t be a cool Yule without one.. lege, of which she is a Junior Research Fellow, can reveal that an impressionable young fresher .. and check out the prizes! QUOTE ME HAPPY was walking up to his room in one of those wonderful, modular, Sixties accommodation blocks, Who said: often shared by students and fel- 25. “I have this image-the robot, the madman, the winner” lows, when he chanced upon a 26. “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job” looming figure only in an undone 27. “Wives are not for terrorising” lumberjack shirt. He raced to the 28. “I have eyes like those of a dead pig” nearest room, banged on the 29. “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp for Moab” door to be admitted, and 30. “I've not been to bed yet. Behind these sunglasses there's a thou- exclaimed to the gap-year sand stories” Orientalists therein: "Don't look, but there's a naked woman in a 31. “I love kids. I was a kid myself, once” lumberjack shirt in the corridor!" 32. “If god did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him” Naturally, the gang descended 33. “Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money” upon the unfortunate fellow, 34. “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, who, it transpired, had been but they are doing the same thing” drinking heavily and was locked 35. “People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, outside her room. The porter they know I'm rock and roll through and through” who let this declassé debauchee 36. “When you are a rich man you are proud to own a Rolls-Royce declined to comment but suspi- and when you are poor man you are proud to own a Renault” cions were aroused that his silence may have been bought when he was seen pouring maple syrup from his own oak cask onto WHAT’S IN A NAME ? BEEN READING CAREFULLY? canteen pancakes, eschewing the synthetic syrup provided by the college. 1. Who was the world’s first female prime minister? 37. Which young Tory politician was joint editor of the Oxford magazine, Isis? 2. Who stars as ‘McBain’ in a hit TV show? 38. What is the name of the house designed by David Adjaye for Tim It has come to light that a student 3. Who was the dog in Jerome K. Jerome’s ‘Three Men in a Boat’? Noble and Sue Webster? at a prominent Cambridge college 4. What do the initials JRR stand for in the author JRR Tolkien’s name? 39. Which artist has a thing for the muppets? (we will merely say that it is well- 5. Which Blair is a famous novelist? 40. Which independent columnist and bestselling author has an allot- known for its love of a certain 6. Who was the last prisoner in the Tower of London? ment? magic number) has been impli- cated in a 'monkey-spanking' 7. What connects Jean-Luc Besson with Sylvester Stallone? 41. What is High Maintenance Life? scandal of gut-churning explicit- 8. Which literary character has parents called Molly and Abel? 42. What did naughty students do to the Bridge of Sighs in June 1964? ness. Porters were alerted to the 9. Which filmstar recently watched his wife and brother kiss on stage in 43. Where is Reality Checkpoint? fact that loud ragga beats were a West End show? 44. What put student’s love of Chelsea Buns at risk in 1998? pounding through one hall of res- 10. Which two current tennis players have beaten and never lost to Roger 45. When is the Grand Arcade development due to completed? idence extremely late one night. Federer? 46. What happened to Varsity between May 1973 and October 1977? Porters hurried to the source of 11. What does the L stand for in Scientology founder L.Ron Hubbard’s name? 47. In which American state is the town of Marfa? this noise pollution only to find 12. Who has scored a hat-trick at every level of English football, the FA cup 48. Who is Gabriela di Carlo? that their repeated efforts to get and international level? the student to open the door of his room or turn down the music fell, unsurprisingly, on deaf ears. ONCE UPON A TIME... PLAYING THE NUMBERS GAME After twenty minutes or so, they resorted to breaking the door down. The scene before them 13. Who was inadvertently at war with Russia between 1854 and 1966? 49. How far away from the sea can you be while still staying in Britain? could only be described as a grue- 14. What brought people together in December 1869 and again in October 50. How much did Justin Hawkins pay for a copy of The Darkness’s leaked some priapic one-man wank-fest. 1962? new album on Ebay? The student in question, eyes 15. Who was crowned King Of England on Christmas Day? 51. How many films were screened at this year’s London film festival? rolled back into head, was lying 16. What caused the UK and Iceland to break off diplomatic relations in 52. What was the fewest points total of any team in he Premiership’s histo- on the floor of his room, gazing 1976? ry? into a full-length mirror in which 17. What was first seen in 240 B.C and last sighted in 1986? he saw reflected not only the par- 53. How long is Martian year? son he was pounding, but his 18. When was the last trial for witchcraft in the United Kingdom? 54. How much of the earth’s land surface is desert? whole sweating, quivering form. 19. Sunderland did it in 1979, Villa did it in 1981, who did it in 1980? 55. How many trees can an average beaver gnaw through in a single year? We at The Bish can only hope 20. Why did the music die on 3rd February 1959? 56. How quick is a jiffy? that he finds a more relaxing way 21. Why was 1759 a good year for Ireland? 57. What percentage of the world’s population are left-handed? to bang the Bishop: what's wrong 22. What do November 17th and January 6th share with Christmas Day? 58. Woman, on average, speak 7,000 words a day. How many do men say? with a nice bit of Palestrina, some 23. Which famous cartoon character made his debut in 1937? 59. How tall is a munro? votive candles and a lovely warm 24. If you went to sleep on 2nd September 1752, why would you have woken 60. How many Valkyries are there? bath? up 12 days later? Sudoku Kakuro POT BLACK

Instructions: Re-arrange the letters by rotating the The object is to insert the numbers in the Fill the grid so that each run of squares Complete the questions in order from red to black. The answer to the first discs to create six separate six-letter boxes to satisfy only one condition: each adds up to the total in the box above or question becomes the ‘redball’. This is then integral to the following question. words leading in to the centre. row, column and 3x3 box must contain to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and The answer to this becomes the yellowball and so on. the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. never use a number more than once per run. What is the top European football competition called?

8 6     Which Swiss side made their ‘Redball’ debut this year?  Which team is currently top of ‘Yellowball’s ‘Redball’ group? 9 4   9 3 4 6  ‘Greenball’ won which major trophy last year? S IA I TES     The ‘Brownball’ was won by which team in 2001? E N GLTAUAROM 6 2 4 8    Which ‘Blueball’ star missed a penalty in his last match? R MR R E W 5 1 How many goals has ‘Pinkball’ scored for England? EN   9 2 1 3 

NY   YPMU S 2 9 3 5   5 8   SUN © Adam Edelshain 7 9 © Daily Sudoku Ltd 2005 © www.dokakuro.com 25.11.05 Quiz Varsity 35

61. 63. 64. 65.

Channel Hopper

dvertising’s everywhere, and incredibly sneaky. (Buy an AAudi!) As a result, consumers are increasingly sophisticated these days – (Buy an Audi!) - a recent study suggest- ed that a typical Londoner sees 3,500 adverts a day and takes in about 1 in 250 – (BUY AN AUDI!) and the advent of Sky Plus has led to serious fears in the industry that viewers will just skip through conventional advertising. (Buy An Audi!) New solutions will have to be found, and fast. (Buy An Audi! Go on, buy one! They’re ace!) 62. 66. 67. 68. If you replay that paragraph in slow motion, what you’ll find is that even while you were reading it, you were being exposed to product placement. Now, my method was relatively primi- tive. Compared to The Audi Channel, though, it’s the height of sophistication. If Audi had paid me and I was following their approach, this column would be called Audi Hopper, and that first para- graph would have read: AUDIS are everywhere, and incredibly AUDI. AUDI an AUDI, AUDIS are increadingly AUDI these AUDIS – You get the idea. Check it out some time. You'll almost certainly find yourself watching an interview with Matt Dawson – I’ve tuned in three or four times and seen nothing else. It opens with some faintly pornograph- ic close-ups of sleek black metallic swoopy bits and wheels turning really fast and dazzly lights and so on. Then Jon Desborough (who really makes me think of Troy MacClure) comes on. PICTURE PERFECT “This guy isn’t just a sportsman,” he HOW TO ENTER: says. “He runs his own internet sport- Please email your answers to [email protected] by the twelfth ing memorabilia company and he’s a 61. What is the connection between (clockwise from top left) day of Christmas. Entrants must be 18 or over. The top prize will be an motivational speaker – and a host on Britain’s premier sports quiz show. Matt Edmund Ironside, Catherine the Great, George II and Elvis? MP3 player, 2 ADC tickets to any play next term, a litre bottle of spirits, 62. Who is the odd one out between the people pictured Dawson knows success.” The last bit 4 Mays anthologies and each of the DVD titles. 3 Runners-up will each said as Jon gets into the monstrously in the grid? win a DVD, a litre bottle of spirits and 4 Mays anthologies. Good luck! large car in front of him. Nice, Jon. 63-68. Identify these buildings in Cambridge. Subtle. Link AUDIS with SUCCESS. DVDs were kindly provided by Warner Home Video and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. Shelter from the Anyway, Jon picks up Matt. Hi, Jon, Storm is available to buy on the 5th December 2005 and QI Interactive is out now. says Matt. Nice motor. You look com- fortable. This is the concept: interview Matt Dawson IN AN AUDI. TAKE HIM Across Down SOMEWHERE, whilst interviewing him, IN AN AUDI. That way, the viewer gets 1. Did in visual representation of 1. Taking of human form in motor coun- to see Matt Dawson, AND AN AUDI, Jumbo Crossword single specimens (11) try (11) and also gets to see that AUDIS ARE 7. Some time later (5,1,5) 2. Drugs sap energy from speedo REALLY GOOD WAYS OF GETTING 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13. Beheading, say, or a dent in model (5) PLACES. one's assets? (7,10) 3. Supplement a short time after six So, they talk rugby for a bit. It’s a bit 14. Little devil the Spanish drive (5) reservists (7) perfunctory, to say the least, and Jon is 15. Go back to work on CV (6) 4. Lacklustre (4) not what you’d call a Detail Man. “I’m 13 14 16. Tiny diet restored sense of self 5. In large number (10) not a big rugby fan,” he tells Matt, (8) 6. Research colleague works thus? (14) charmingly. “I didn’t see the World Cup 17. Source of venision with caviar? 7. One who promotes disbelief (8) final. Heard it on the radio though.” 15 16 17 (3,4) 8. Small American city on peg (5) Probably in his AUDI. “So, why do you 19. Concentration (9) 9. Hold back worker, preventing fire (9) think you’ve been such a success? I 18 21. Of a frame in which Newton's 10. He carries liquid around one (6) mean, Question of Sport, now that’s a 1st Law holds (8) 11. Susceptibility to new experiences or Gig.” “Dream Gig, I thoroughly enjoy it,” 19 20 21 22 23 23. Land where leis are strewn ideas (17) says Matt. “Dream Gig,” says Jon. around (4) 12. Blow-up big guys in specialist ward “Now that’s a Gig,” says Matt. 24 25. Bothered to annoy journalist (5) (11) This drivel goes on for two or three min- 27. Composer known as the 18. Separate (8) utes, interspersed with shots of the 25 26 27 28 'father of English church music' (6) 20 & 40A. Headshaker ought to ring monstrous vehicle sweeping round 28. Machine for recording speech 1050 - otherwise acts self-righteously sharp corners and scaring pensioners. 29 (9) (5,3,5,4,6) Then they get down to business. “So, 30 31 32 30. Young bird settling in (8) 22. Bitterly mourn loss of alien in hat (6) Matt, what do you think of the motor?” 31. Audible programme from wire- 24. Saga about half of prevalent dis- asks Jon. “Like it, like it,” Matt replies. 33 less with diverse actors (5,9) ease (8) “Very nice, very comfy.” “You’ve got 34. Get skill from parents - or the 26. Do look! Italian sister returns, griev- one yourself, haven’t you?” Jon says, 34 35 36 possibility of this happening (14) ing (8) displaying a touching faith that the 35. Blab about accountant with 29. Dots the trailer spills to sully the viewer hasn’t yet snagged that Matt millions got from swindling (8) streets (6,3,5) Dawson is sponsored by Audi, and cer- 38. Dour and without natural fluids 32. Headless mistake onto nothing in tainly isn’t doing this for the good of his 38 39 40 41 (10) the West (8) health. “Yeah, an S4 Cab,” Matt says. 40. See 20D (6) 33. Sailors with employment for per- “I cruise around, get the roof down, 42 41. Waymark I can run around (5) verts (6) yeah. It’s the attention to detail that gets 43. Dwell upon an instrument (4) 34. Fish lizard (11) me. The leather trim.” Jon purrs appre- 43 44 45 46 44. Farrier's after pistol from this 36. Through DNA (11) ciatively. “I dreamed about having sex 47 man (8) 37. Mixed pint within tureen for paint- with an Audi once,” he doesn’t say, but 45. Village council (9) stripper (10) you can tell he’s thinking it. Matt would 48 49 50 51 48. Blueprint for 39 city? (7) 39. Scotsman penetrates girl in the understand. 49. Open-minded to the French Deep South (9) The programme ends with Jon and 52 tirade (8) 42. 'I told you I was dead' comedian (8) Matt in close up, taking it in turns to say 50. One of two signs (6) 46. Hound cross-country runner (7) AUDI, while they wank each other off. 53 54 53. Farewell! Aide turns bend (5) 47. Highly thought of (6) No, it doesn’t really, it ends with Jon 54. Uplifting? (17) 49. All singing (5) dropping Matt at the pub. But it Audi 55. Replenishment of water (11) 51. Display picture of attractive person well should. 56. Han! (11) (3,2) The Audi Channel, channel 259, 6am- 55 56 52. Shakespearean villain (4) 3am daily © Mathmo Varsity 25.11.05 MEN’S RUGBY BOXING WOMEN’S FOOTBALL ROWING

Cambridge 40-41 Steele Bodgers Gown outpunches town St. Catz 2-3 Jesus Rowers impress indoors sport See more details in our Lambert victory the highlight Goals from Mugord, Minikin Cambridge outperform Oxford Varsity Rugby preview pullout as University conquer City and Comberti seal the win at British Ergo Championships MICHAEL

TONY LEMONS DERRINGER

Director of Cambridge Sport

What is so special about Cambridge that you would want to spend 22 years work- ing to develop sport at that University? I am frequently asked this question by col- leagues working in national centres of excellence or governing bodies of sport. Why wouldn’t one enjoy working at Cambridge? Cambridge University is exciting - A combination of bright multi- talented students and academics at the cutting edge, and a challenge to sustain Cambridge’s reputation for offering an all-round education extending beyond the pure discipline of academic study. The University’s Mission Statement acknowledges that cultural and sporting activities must play an integral part in University life, but with higher education becoming a global market place, Cambridge must move in order to remain competitive, both in its academic disci- plines and in other areas in order to attract the best available students. The publicity attracted by the national Varsity matches, in particular, the Boat Race and the Varsity Rugby match, coupled with the wonderful College playing fields, shields major deficiencies in the provision for sport as compared with many other “SPORT MUST RETAIN ITS VALUED Fitz revenge threatens Jesus title bid PLACE IN Jesus come back from 2 - 0 down but can’t find a winner UNIVERSITY LIFE” Adam Bracey delightfully simple. John Chesire worked of their own penalty area. They were sub- half. We’re just looking to climb the table universities. A number of sports are rela- the ball to the right, where Mark Kofler jected to fierce pressure by Jesus, but their now and have a good run in Cuppers.” tively well catered for at elite University FITZWILLIAM 2 drove for the byline and cut the ball back defending lacked the gusto demanded for Jesus captain Laurence Brenig-Jones: “We team level - cricket, rowing, rugby and JESUS 2 for Alex Lott to guide the ball home via a combating such an onslaught. Jesus found could easily have won today, even after athletics have made significant progress post. These three were dominating the their route back into the game on the hour going two down. But there’ll be twists and through investment in their facilities in A stirring second-half comeback in match, combining poise with industry, as the embattled home defence looked turns to come this season, you can guar- recent years, although all University Saturday’s morning kick-off kept Jesus and Fitz fully deserved a second goal. hopefully for offside against substitute Paul antee that.” The championship trophy Sports Clubs struggle for funds. Indoor firmly in the title picture. The away side Kofler skipped away from a challenge 30 Avery, who lashed in a low volley from will pass to a new winner at the end of the sports have consistently missed out on were given a stern examination by cham- yards from goal, and hit a right-footed inside the box. Jesus’ pressure was unre- season. The race becomes more University and College funding.The pions Fitz looked keen to avenge the shot which swirled majestically in off the lenting, as they worked the ball around enthralling with each passing weekend as absence of a University sports hall and a Cuppers semi-final defeat last season but cross bar (see the photo sequence below). with a fluency and patience that further John’s secured another narrow 3-2 win swimming pool are two glaring examples their failure to secure victory in this piv- Jesus were a frustrated outfit, with too exasperated their hosts. They levelled with over St Catz and Churchill took Caius of facilities that are found in almost all otal game was final confirmation that many passes going astray. ten minutes remaining, as Avery headed apart, winning 4-0. universities who would consider them- their hegemony of last season will not be The change-round brought a total in Andrew Caines’ cross at the near post. selves world leaders. Almost 80% of the repeated. transformation. A two-goal advantage is The absence of Blues striker Brendan MEN’S FOOTBALL DIVISION 1 University’s sports clubs have no training Jesus greatly enhanced their title not to be trusted, yet within minutes of the Threlfall has forced Fitz captain Cheshire or competition venues. prospects here, although their credentials interval Fitz had surrendered their territo- to readjust expectations for this season, P W D L F A GD PTS The competitive structure provided by looked decidedly flimsy at the interval, rial dominance like a retreating army and he seemed resigned after this latest ST JOHN’S 5 4 1 0 12 7 5 13 the Colleges, combined with the strong when the leaders were two goals down abandoning weapons and seeking the blow. “We were the better team in the first historic base of University clubs, remains and facing comprehensive defeat. Their safety of the hills. They seemed to view half, but I was looking for a big reaction JESUS 5 3 2 0 10 3 7 11 Cambridge’s strength. We now have a opponents had produced 45 minutes of their advantage as unimpeachable, but after the break because we knew that CHURCHILL 5 3 1 1 9 3 6 10 great opportunity with the inclusion of powerful, disciplined and skilful football, hesitancy and indecision spread alarming- Jesus would come on strongly. We didn’t CAIUS 5 2 1 2 6 10 0 7 the West Cambridge Sports Centre in the and scored two fine goals. The opener was ly, as they were pinned back on the edge get that and we were poor in the second Cambridge 800th Anniversary Campaign HOMERTON 4 2 0 2 6 5 1 6 to take sport a quantum step forward. But CHRIST’S 5 1 1 3 5 9 -4 4 as many Cambridge captains will be saying to their players over the next few ST CATZ 4 1 0 3 6 7 -1 3 weeks, the time for talking is over; we TRINITY 4 1 0 3 7 10 -3 3 must now go out and do the job if sport is DARWIN 3 0 1 2 3 7 -4 3 to retain its important and valued place in University life. FITZ 4 0 2 2 4 7 -3 2 The Jesus defence look on as Mark Kofler’s shot loops over goalkeeper James Loxam and nestles into the back of the net

2 5 8 1 Next Term Quick Kakuro     Quick Sudoku Medium  Easy 5 3  9 3 5   3 4 6 2 Varsity 100:   5 8 6 9 Who should Fill the grid so that each run of  squares adds up to the total in   7 9 8 1 the box above or to the left. Use  The object is to insert the num- make the list? only numbers 1-9, and never use  bers in the boxes to satisfy only 1 2 6 a number more than once per one condition: each row, column Email: [email protected] run (a number may reoccur in the and 3x3 box must contain the 6 9  same row in a separate run). digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 6 5 1 4 Solution and solving aids at www.dokakuro.com What could be simpler? © www.dokakuro.com © Daily Sudoku Ltd 2005